02x07 - Beast-Day Party

[bunniefuu]

Sh. I'm not supposed to be in the attic.

Mom and Dad said it's off limits.

And no kids allowed

means it's the perfect place
to try my new invention.

A virtual reality helmet!

And I do not need
my siblings knowing about it,

because with them around,
nothing lasts long.

I had that pogo stick for three weeks.

Video game, two days.

(glass shattering)

Dead on arrival.

This helmet may not look like much,

but when I put it on...

there's nowhere I can't go.

Precision is everything.

One false move, and my next trip

will be to a virtual hospital.

BEAST: Who's up here?

What are you doing?

Uh, playing a new game called

take big steps and knock things down.

That's not new. We've been
playing it for years.

You know you're not
supposed to be up here.

- Neither are you.
- We heard noises.

We thought the house had rats.

To be honest, I'm
disappointed it doesn't.

If you want rats,
you know where you should play?

The old skunk den under the house.

(gasps)

Lewie and Beast's baby book.

Why is our baby book a shoebox?

Mom and Dad were pretty b*rned out

by the time you guys came along.

Be glad you have a shoebox.

All Daphne has is
a sticky note that says

"take pictures of Daphne."

Cool. Our birth certificates.

Check it. I was born at : p.m.

I was born at : a.m.

Mom and Dad's names are both on here.

Bummer. I'm not half dragon.

Hang on.

If I was born just before midnight,

and you were born just after,

that means we were
born on separate days.

Wait, you guys have different birthdays?

Mom and Dad never told us. So they lied?

What else have they been lying about?

If I make this face,
will it really get stuck?

No!

Come on.

Mom and Dad owe us an explanation.

They're lucky you're not half dragon,

or they'd be in for quite the crisping.

Guys, no, you can't tell Mom and Dad.

They'll know you were up here.

They'll know I was up here.

Virtual reality...

so much better than real reality.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like
things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out
your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin,
let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado,
rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

Guys, I promise you,
we weren't hiding anything.

This is news to us, too.

We never really looked
at the birth certificates,

which frankly,
I'm impressed we still have.

And to be fair, it was eight hours

of horrible pain, followed by
eight years of craziness.

What were you guys
doing in the attic anyway?

You know it's off limits.

I'm sorry, but this place
is drowning in Diazes.

I needed some air.

Besides, we were only
up there the one time.

Not a lie. I've been up there a bunch,

but we've only been up there one time.

Let's not give them too long
to think about this.

Lewie, Beast, different birthdays.

Let's move on to a more
exciting topic, like groceries.

Who wants to finish
unloading the car? I do!

For our whole lives, we've had
our party on my birthday.

That doesn't seem fair to Beast.

Thanks, almost twin.

Okay, this year, when you turn nine,

you'll each get your own party.

And there goes the only benefit

of having two kids at once.

We'll do Lewie's party on the th,

and Beast's on the st.

Yes, got the dates right!

We're really sorry, guys.
We can't change the past,

but we can fix it in the future.

And since your birthday's
not for a while,

take this as an early present.

We know you're buying our love.

And it's working.

Yes!

That was close.

Just another example of
why whipped cream

is one of nature's super foods.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

That's good. Eight years
of missed birthdays,

and you're happy with
a can of whipped cream.

You're handling this
better than I would.

- Especially you, Beast.
- Why?

Go on.

Why can't I focus?

If A equals B, and B equals C,

then C equals...

...me blowing the SAT
for the third time.

You can do this.
Think about the problem,

not the picture of Liam
Hemsworth on your phone.

I can't help it. He has surf hair.

It's been days
since he had surf hair.

He was wearing red board shorts

and three rope bracelets on Bondi Beach.

Okay, so retaining
information, not a problem.

I know, right?

It's like I know the answers,
but when I'm taking the test,

there's all these cute boys
I've never seen before,

- and I can't concen...
- (phone chimes)

Oh, Tatum alert.

And this time, he's rocking glasses.

I like smart Channing.

On the other hand, higher
education isn't for everyone.

No, I have to do well on
this test to get into college.

I need out of here.

I can't live with you people anymore.
No offense.

I'm not offended, 'cause I'm
taking over your side of the room.

Oh, calm down.
It's a corner, not a side.

Look, we're taking
the test together this time.

And now you can benefit
from the incredible focus

I've learned in sports.

It hasn't helped me score,
but it did win me

every staring contest I had on the bus.

(phone chimes)

You wanna look at surf hair, or live
with Mom and Dad until you're ?

Don't give this back to me,
no matter how much I beg.

Mm-hmm.

Ooh.

You can't just tap someone
on the shoulder

like a normal person?

Taps don't make people fall.

We have to talk about
a very important birthday.

And by the way, what is that?

This is what I'm wearing
for the SAT tomorrow.

- How do I look?
- Great. Now go change.

You need to wear an outfit you
wouldn't want to talk to guys in.

I tried. This is me dressing down.

You need to dress downer.

I'm sorry, but I don't own
any horrible clothes.

Ooh, I'll need something
from your closet.

What? You want my fashion advice?

Sure. You pick out bad outfits
for yourself every day.

Thanks.

See, in my head, that was a compliment.

Positive thinking.
That's our next lesson.

What do you guys want?

Beast's half birthday is this Sunday.
He needs a party.

Mom and Dad are not going to
throw a half birthday party.

- I know, but you will.
- Why?

Because if you don't, we'll tell
Mom and Dad about this spot,

and all the other kids will know about

your virtual reality helmet.

Nice things don't do well here.

Oh, come on.

This thing is awesome.

It's not even on.

An hour ago, you guys were fine.

Now you want me to throw you a party?

What happened?

We talked to Ethan.

So you sold me out.

No, all I said was...

Eight years of missed birthdays,

and you're happy with
a can of whipped cream.

That's not the way I remember it.

Eight years of missed birthdays,

and you're happy with
a can of whipped cream?!

No, I just said...

You always had the party
on Lewie's birthday.

Technically, Beast has never
even had a birthday party.

You did not. You said...

(voice echoing) Beast has
never had a birthday party

in his entire life!!

(evil laughter)

Wait, wait, all I said was...

I really admire your patience,

waiting six months for that party.

I'm gonna get a sandwich.

No, it was more like...

(demonic voice) This family has
always been out to get you.

You've been robbed!

Robbed, I say!

Beast needs a party now!

(Ethan's voice)
I'm gonna get a sandwich.

Oh, so it's the sandwich part
you get right.

However it went down,
you opened your big mouth.

So now you're on
the party planning train.

We look forward to hearing your plans.

And no trains. Been there, done that.

(bell rings)

Wow. A boy hasn't looked
at me once in this outfit.

This is a real insight into your world.

You are really testing
this positive thinking thing.

"Hey, purple top, you're cute."

And begin.

Rachel. Rachel!

Sh. I'm in the zone.

We have cotton candy, a hot dog
cart with all the fixin's,

- and a clown.
- And don't worry, I asked.

You can slap him with a fish.

You guys get me.

They get you?

With all due respect,
Beast, I think not.

This boy...

this sweet, innocent boy,

has been wronged.

He has been denied his right to eight,

count them, eight birthday parties,

and you think tubed meat

and a guy in comically large shoes

will remedy this injustice?

Shame on you.

Shame on this entire family.

You get my point.

That is good poster board.

I have made a list of demands
to make this man whole again.

Dancing monkeys? Are you kidding me?

Beast, you said you were fine
with hot dogs and a clown.

That was before.

I want whatever Lewie says I want.

Deliver on this, or you know what.

I want to go virtual shopping in France.

I want to do the Tour de France.

What are you doing up here?

Don't get mad at us;
this is Harley's secret spot.

Harley!!

I look forward to hearing from you.

We will now take our leave
to watch Man vs. Dumpster.

Dumpster Jack will be drinking the juice

from the bottom of a trash bag.

Beast would've been fine
with our party plans.

Lewie's the problem.

We've gotta get him out of Beast's ear.

Look at this.

Somebody who can't spell
submarine shouldn't ask for one.

Pencils down.

They say love is all you need.

I'm really hoping that's true.

Rachel, the craziest thing happened.

I know. I totally focused.

I did what you told me to,
and the whole class fell away.

No. Look.

Right before the test started,

a boy threw me this note.

And after that, I couldn't concentrate.

During the math section,
all I could think about

is what angle the note came from.

There were two boys sitting at
a perfect isosceles triangle...

- two sides of equal length.
- Yes, nailed that one.

This is perfect.

The first boy who ever liked me,

and I'm never going to know his name.

Calm down.
We're playing in my court now.

I'll find out who wrote that note.
Positive thinking, right?

You have really turned a corner.

Hmm.

What a coincidence finding you in here.

Alone. In your room.

Since I'm here, what kind of
frosting do you want on your cake?

Chocolate or vanilla?

I like both,

but let's see what Lewie thinks.

He's in the bathroom. He'll be back

in either one or eight minutes.

You know, that's funny.

It seems like Lewie's making
all the decisions for you.

And not just about the party.

Makes you wonder.

If you don't stop this
now, will it ever end?

We could have pudding or fruit cups.

Pudding.

You'll be up all night.
Have a fruit cup.

When I grow up,
no one is going to tell me

how much pudding I can eat.

I don't know what that means,
but I agree.

Time for you to start
making decisions for yourself.

- Yeah.
- So, what do you want at your party?

Um...

Give me a minute.

I'm not used to doing this.

HARLEY: Happy Beast Day is a go!

Yep, just the right amount of cling.

Gotta say, great party.

I'm not sure why you're doing it.

Don't really wanna know, because
then I might have to do something,

and right now, I'm having a good day.

I think that's a smart choice.

How did you pay for all this?

I told abuela we're
celebrating half birthdays now.

Lucky for us,
she's on a hot bingo streak.

Well, what you did was so nice,

we're gonna do something nice for you.

We know you've been looking
for a little quiet space.

Don't tell the kids.

We're giving you permission
to use the attic.

I thought it wasn't safe.

Yeah, that was mostly
about us not wanting

- to climb more steps to yell at people.
- Speaking of safety,

we should grab hot dogs
before the fixin's

get touched by about kids.

My first party. This is amazing.

Happy Beast Day, Beast.

The hot dog cart is fired up,

and the clown will be here soon.

How many fish slaps?

I talked him up to three.

- But nothing frozen.
- I can work with that.

Hot dogs and a clown?!

What are we, animals?

What happened to
the things we decided on?

It's my party. Why should
you pick everything?

'Cause I make the best decisions.

Well, I don't think so.

See, that's a bad decision.

Who wants to stick on a wall?

You don't always know better than me.

You make me have fruit cup

when you know I want pudding.

What are you talking about?

Harley told me I should
start making my own decisions.

And she was right.

Oh. Harley told you.

That's not what I said.

Maybe it's time you start
making decisions for yourself.

Yeah, that one's hard to spin.

If Lewie tattles to Mom and Dad,

I'll lose the hideout I just got.

Oh, yes!

- Ethan.
- Hey.

How can you be enjoying
yourself at a time like this?

I thought it was a party.

I have to find Lewie before
he talks to Mom and Dad.

So what do you want me to do?

Beast is used to having
Lewie to do stuff with.

Cover for me until I can get him back.

And I couldn't have done that
with cotton candy in my hand?

Lewie, I'm begging you.

- Please don't tell Mom and Dad.
- Why shouldn't I?

Look, I'm sorry I got
in between you and Beast.

But I had to do something.

You gave me an impossible list.

I mean, abuela didn't make
enough at bingo

to pay for a submarine,

which, by the way,
has an "e" at the end.

Nice talking to you. Mom!

Wait. Wasn't the whole point
of this for Beast to have fun?

He's having the time
of his life out there.

You gotta give him credit.

He planned a really good party.

But he did it all without me.

Yeah, and everything turned out great.

You're right. It did.

I guess Beast doesn't need me anymore.

Listen, I'm sorry I wasn't
able to find that boy.

Oh, no biggie.

I can't believe I messed up
on an important test

because of a boy. I learned my lesson.

I am done chasing guys.

That's too bad, because I was gonna say

I'm sorry that I didn't
find him right away,

but I did find him, and he's
coming to Beast's party.

What?! Who? When?

I thought you were done chasing guys.

Oh, don't tell me what I said.
How did you do it?

When you dress that badly,
you're basically invisible.

I got the names of
all the guys who took the test,

and invited them to Beast's party.

Wait, wait, but if they all show up,
how will we know who wrote the note?

It's a party for a kid
turning eight and a half.

Whoever shows up
is the one who wrote it.

Hm.

What is all this?

Pie-eating contest.

First team to eat five wins.

No hands.

- We got this.
- We do?

Harley!

Whoo hoo!

Awesome stick.

We really should've done this
before the pies.

Harley.

We're doing the three-legged race next.

That doesn't sound so bad.

It's great.

We put mud pies down our pants first.

Start stretching, partner.

Finally. Please tell me
Lewie is coming back.

Or ratted you out.

I don't care at this point.

Okay, everybody, gather round.

Come on, come on,
bring it in, bring it in.

Okay, come on. Bring it in.

We have a surprise guest.

Someone having a half birthday?

Dumpster Jack!

Here, in my dumpster?!

You must be Beast.

I heard you and your brother
are my biggest fans.

He called me and said
you deserved to have

the best birthday ever.

Lewie said that?

Yep. Now which one is he?

He's... he's not here.

That's too bad.

'Cause I brought you guys something.

Just so you know,

I absolutely cannot fit in those.

All right, kids, who wants to see me

chug spoiled eggnog?

(knocking)

What do you mean, don't come in?

I'd like to be alone with my thoughts.

You sure? 'Cause the party's pretty fun.

Yeah. I know. It turned out great,

and I had nothing to do with it.

I guess you don't need
me around anymore.

I wouldn't say that.

Because without you, how
would Dumpster Jack be here?

What?!

Dumpster Jack came?

Yep. He brought us these.

Wow!

I can't believe you got him
to come to my party.

How did you do it?

You know how he has that tip line.

"If there's a disgusting
trash bin making you wanna hurl,

call me now"

I called times.

Seventy-two were about your party.

One was about our trash bin.

I threw a good party,
but you made it great.

We may have different birthdays,

but we're still better together.

I'd tell you how much
this all means to me,

but I don't wanna get
emotional in front of Santa.

Mystery boy's not here yet.
I wonder if he'll come.

We've got a Velcro wall
and a guy in a dumpster.

I'd be more worried if he'll stay.

Is that him?

Yes. He was seated at
the hypotenuse of the triangle.

Thank you for doing this.

You helped me with the test.

It's the least I could do.

It's also the most I was going to do.

Hi. I'm Wyatt.

I'm Georgie. I got your hair note.

Oh, I'm glad. I was aiming
for your desk, but missed.

I thought it might be
weeks before you found it.

You're just lucky it wasn't a humid day.

♪ Today's the day ♪

♪ I've been waiting for ♪

♪ Waiting for... ♪

Glad you made it, Lewie.

He said my name. I think I may pass out.

Speaking of passing out,

will you drink some more
of that spoiled eggnog?

I really shouldn't.

But I will!

Yeah!!

Well, it all worked out.

The boys are back together,
and my attic space is safe.

And my VR helmet is mine alone.

Hey, so we went up to the attic

to clear some space for you.

I'm halfway up the ice wall.

I'll tell you where it ends.

Punishment Peak.