01x09 - A Seat at the Table

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hey. I didn't see you there.

I'm Lex Luthor, and I'm here to tell you a little bit about the Legion of Doom.

The LOD is a supportive community of elite supervillains dedicated to making the world a worse place.

We've been behind some of the most evil plots of the 21st century.

Hey, Black Manta.

What's that?

They're waiting for the new recruits right next door?

Looks like you better get in there.

And make sure you bad guys bring a good attitude.

Hey, that's you!

What did you say to Black Manta to elicit such rage?

Nothing r*cist.

Guys, pull it together.

We are about to join...

The Legion of Doom.

Welcome home, Harley.

And that's all the time we have.

Oh, and my apologies to Bane who wanted to do some magic.

It was going to be a spectacle.

I'd like to say something.

Oh, my God!

When I heard we were letting in Harley Quinn, I thought...

No one deserves this opportunity more than she does.

Oh this guy. I'm sorry.

But didn't he try to k*ll you multiple times?

I know, I know.

I tried to k*ll you multiple times, but frankly, Harley, now you're the one k*lling it.

Wow...

Oh, I've seen this before.

It's just like the time my ex, Sandra, called me up after I lost 20 pounds.

Where were you when I was still 2,750, Sandra?

Where were you?

I needed love then.

Promise us you will not make us the Jen Aniston to your Bradley Pitt's feverish pursuit of co-star Ann-halina Yo-lee.

Wow, that's a lot to unpack.

Guys, guys, come on! Give me a little credit here.

Joker saying a few nice things about me ain't gonna make me see him any different, okay?

Pick a card.

When my mind's set, it is set.

Hell, they blew out three electric shock machines at Arkham trying to get through to me.

I am done giving that clown second chances.

Is your card the three of hearts?

No. f*ck!

Okay, look. I know the last time we talked, it was... Shitty.

But, you know, I feel like maybe we have an opportunity to start over here.

Hmm.

Okay. We can build off "hmm."

I also, obviously, would like to apologize for saying you're jealous of me and that you got no friends and that--

All right, thank you. I remember what you said.

I know you were just trying to protect me, and...

Listen, I am gonna do the same for you, okay?

Just 'cause I'm a card carryin' member of the Legion of Doom now--

f*ck that place in the ass.

Yes. For sure. Although, listen...

I am working there and I hope it doesn't affect our friendship.

I would be dead without you.

Like, a lot.

I do not disagree with that.

I mean, I'm glad you're not dead, but...

I don't know, it just...

It felt like you were so ready to abandon me.

I would never do that.

I will always be there for ya.

I will always smash things you might need smashed, Ive.

Wait, I know that look.

Is there something you need smashed?

Come on, Ive, there's gotta be something you need smashed.

There is... There is something actually, I've been working on.

I knew it! You're gonna do something evil.

That is great!

Yeah. You know, I mean, if we're still categorizing fighting to protect the environment as "evil," then sure.

At our new state-of-the-art manufacturing plant in Gotham, we're building the machines to revolutionize the development of our beautiful city.

Join us in paving the way together to a better Gotham.

I'm gonna destroy it.

Ooh, you're still fired up, Ive.

You are glowing.

Count me in on destroying this new factory.

Really? Great.

Okay. Let's meet up on Friday night and go over a plan.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I got this.

The Legion gave me a corporate card and said I can expense any meal where I talk about doing something evil.

Yeah, once again, it's just... We're saving plants, we're not actually doing something evil...

You know what?

Thanks, Harls.

We added a little something we thought you might enjoy.

Oh, it's beautiful!

What's the thread count? Oh, my God.

It's under the sheet, you dry turd!

Oh, my God!

So thoughtful.

You got mahogany, oak, pine...

And... Just one chair.

Where are the rest of us supposed to sit?

Oh, we have special offices for all of you.

My assistant cultural attache, Esteban, will take you.

Why, hello, Esteban!

And from what exotic pueblito on the Iberian Peninsula might you derive?

It's Steve, and I'm from Tulsa.

I don't know why Mr. Luthor calls me that, but he always does.

Follow me.

Okay. Come on.

I know where I'm going.

I remember where my old office is.

Yeah, that's been filled.

We have something else for you.

Why did you hit down on the elevator?

And here we are.

No, no. No, no, I know this place.

This is where they keep the g*ons and the henchmen.

Right. Like you.

We're not g*ons.

We're not henchmen.

We have powers.

That's right. I am an actor!

You are not an actor.

You are a huge pile of clay that can turn into anything you want.

He is a giant half-shark man.

And I am a telepath.

We have actual powers!

Uh, calm down, Dr. Guy.

This is where you're supposed to be, and you're lucky.

Touch whatever you want. Everything's broken.

g*ons, you're with me.

The hell we are!

We work for Harley.

And now, for me, too.

I've signed you out for a very important mission.

I got a razzy zazzy for "Bang."

It's Bane!

You know it's Bane.

I'm here everyday, Todd.

g*dd*mn millennials.

Whatever, Bang!

So, we're blowing up Todd after dinner.

Don't eat so much you get lethargic, but eat enough that you don't get fainty

'cause I do not bring snacks.

The streets will run with razzy zazzy.

And thanks to Black Manta for the bagels.

There's only cinnamon raisins!

You know I hate raisins!

Oh! Wait. Here's an everything.

So, Harley, every week we meet to pitch our evil ideas.

This is where we get approval for the use of Legion resources like g*ons and getaway cars.

And s'plosions!

I have no idea what the f*ck "s'plosions" are, Bane, but we do have expl*sives.

So this is the place to get creative feedback on ideas.

Exactly.

We modeled it after the way they do things at Pixar.

I wish they would make another Up movie.

They can't.

The story was over at the end of the first.

Unless, the kid is the old man in the sequel.

Oh, that's fun!

That's a good one.

Can we stop with the nonsense, please?

Who wants to start? Okay!

So, I want to build a giant tower with my face on it.

Loving this.

My quote unquote "mouth" opens up...

Boom! Reveals a giant TV.

What's on it? Me!

I open with a joke, thr*aten Gotham, you get the rest.

I need 800 million, but I can do it for six.

Six hundred million! I mean, that's a bargain.

I... I'm still trying to get a chair.

Shall we move to approve?

Harley? I don't get it.

You don't... Get it?

Well, for starters, why do you need a tower?

Right? If you want to get on TV, why don't you just take over the airwaves like everybody else?

Because everyone else has already done it.

f*cking Bane's done it. Yeah, I done it.

Okay, well then, why not just take over an existing tower?

Why are we building a new tower?

Because a regular tower doesn't have a fire pole that goes from top to the bottom, that's why.

That's a bit garish, innit? Why do you need that?

Because I'm the Joker!

Hmm.

Feels a little like you came up with the frosting...

Before you baked the cake. Exactly.

Thank you, Harley.

You haven't baked the cake.

Why don't you come back to us after you bake the cake, huh, Joker?

Fine.

I'll bake the f*cking cake.

You know, it's not... It's refreshing.

I am glad that someone finally stood up to that clown.

Oh! Hey, Joker.

I was just telling Harley how uncool she was.

Being in the meeting earlier and having the gall--

It's leaking everywhere.

About that meeting, I wanted to say--

Look, if you came here to yell at me then-- Thank you!

Uh, what? That plan needed work.

I'm going to put the time in, and really make it something special.

But I'm happy I finally have someone here with the guts to stand up to me.

Maybe we could grab a drink so I could pick your brain with this whole giant-tower- with-my-face-on-it thing.

Yeah, I don't think so.

A work drink.

I could give you the lowdown on how to game the system here.

Really? And not have sex with each other?

Harley, please! I'm blushing.

We're colleagues now.

You don't see me having sex with Scarecrow or Bane.

The answer's, no, I don't...

Do that with them.

Just a work drink. Think about it.

Harley, we have a problem.

They put us in the goon poo-el.

Ooh, that sounds fun. Fun?

It's not the fun kind of pool.

They're treating us like we're common henchmen and we have to work for anyone who asks.

Including Bane. Bane!

What?

Bane? Ugh! We only work together.

Well, they're saying something entirely different.

Don't worry. You won't be working for Bane, I promise.

Ugh, I just gotta figure out how to game the system here.

And how, pray tell, will you do that?

I'll pray tell a colleague about it.

So...

I've been paying this smoothie kid to keep writing "Bang" on all his orders.

Oh, my God, that's the guy Bane wants to blow up.

Oh! That's fantastic.

You know, everyone remembers me for the big crimes, the murders, the cripplings, but it's the little ones that keep me going.

That's hilarious.

If it was hilarious, you'd be laughing.

You can't just say something's hilarious.

That's the worst kind of audience.

Sorry, I got a lot on my mind.

You know, Bane wants to use my crew to blow up that smoothie kid, and they're pissed.

Who do I talk to to get them out of that?

Um, me.

I'll talk to Lex.

He wants to keep you happy. You're an asset.

Really? He thinks that? Everyone thinks that.

You're a big deal. You're Harley Quinn!

Wow, I...

Wow! Holy sh*t!

Thanks.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So your ass is gonna take down that place by yourself?

There's not a plant around it.

First of all, I am a capable metahuman who doesn't always need the plants.

And also, Harley's gonna show up and, like, smash some people with her bat, too.

Harley? I don't see Harley around here.

You know who I see?

Frank. I'm ready to f*ck some sh*t up.

You're in a pot, Frank. I'd have to carry you.

So what? I carry you emotionally.

We all carry sh*t.

You bring me in there and I'll show you some damage.

How, Frank? What am I gonna, like, throw you at people and you're gonna eat them?

Boom! Look at that. We just figured it out.

Thanks, but I think Harley and I can take care of this.

Like the way you took care of that outfit?

Why? What's wrong with it?

You see fabulous, I see fugly.

You got to diversify your color palette, woman!

Spice that sh*t up!

Add a fun hat.

Maybe a little blush on your cheeks and sh*t.

See? See, see, I don't just eat people.

Hurtful words are another w*apon in my arsenal.

And you just got a verbal ass whooping.

So, how have you been?

Oh, you know, same old, same old.

Murdering, hijacking, WMDs, arson.

Ooh, I've been rewatching a lot of Scrubs.

What happened to Zach Braff?

Wait, wait. Didn't we k*ll him when we took that movie studio hostage?

Remember, we were trying to force him to remake classic movies, but with cats?

Ha! I'm telling you, "Cats-ablanca" would have blown the original out of the water.

Anyway, I think Zach Braff is alive.

Oh. Just not working.

Ah!. Oh, Harley...

We had some fun back in the day, didn't we?

Oh, we sure did.

Mmm.

All right, you know, I really better get going.

Sorry to interrupt, but I, like, totally ship you guys.

Seriously.

You're, like, my favorite evil couple in Gotham.

These are on the house.

Oh, thank you.

Come on, you can stay for five more minutes?

There, she is, over there.

The green one with the fun hat on.

Uh, Frank, who is this person?

You said I couldn't do nothin' 'cause I was in this pot.

Meet Chaz. This is really getting heavy, man.

He's my pot guy.

Carries my pot around wherever I need to go.

He sells marijuana, Frank.

He misread his ad.

That is also true.

Yet, here we are.

Okay. Well, I'm leaving.

So why don't you have him bring you back to the apartment.

Wait, I thought you were meeting Harley here.

Oh, sh*t!

She stood your ass up.

No, no, no. She just had to reschedule.

You know, she ended her text in "ugh."

So I know that she just, you know, she didn't wanna reschedule but she had to.

You know, things come up. It's fine.

Nah, she's changed.

Thinks she's a bigshot now.

Hell, I know this pear tree, survived 9/11, now he's planted front and center at the Freedom Tower and that m*therf*cker won't even call me back.

Harley is nothing like your 9/11 pear tree friend.

And, by the way, I know that tree, okay?

He was a d*ck before 9/11, he's a d*ck now.

That assh*le changed and so has Harley.

Trust me, you're on your own.

Oh, man!

They only have potato chips with the weird Korean flavor.

"Cheddar and octopus ranch"?

Could be delicious!

I would give it a whirl.

Put down those snacks, you dumb g*ons.

It's time to go.

We're not going anywhere with you, S&M Sally!

Harley took care of it.

I filed all the proper paperwork.

I even got the green light from HR, so...

Your move.

How disappointing!

Right? But don't worry.

I'll call Harley and we'll sort this out.

I meant these chips.

They're disappointing.

I'm not tasting the... Oh, wait!

There's the octopus!

Damn! It went to voicemail. That's that then.

Saddle up, muchachos.

We have a juicery to es'plode!

I missed this.

This isn't... Come on...

Now, this is just an extension of the business conversation from earlier.

Oh, for sure. Cool.

Cool. Cool. We're just cool.

Yeah. Monsters!

She's eating the beef tenderloin with a fish fork.

Okay, I did miss this.

Now, this is living.

Yeah. Hey, you know, I had a thought about that tower with your face on it you pitched at the meeting?

Oh, my face tower?

That... That would be the one.

I was thinking you could build it underground and when you wanna unveil it, it can sh**t above the surface and scare the sh*t out of people.

Ooh, like a Jack in the box! Exactly!

Love that.

It's very on brand for me, I mean.

Wow, really?

I don't think you've ever taken one of my ideas before.

The student becomes another master.

Uh, I think the phrase is, "The student becomes the master."

No, I believe it's, "The student becomes a master

"equal to the original master, "but not with more mastery than that master."

So you're not upset I decided to go off on my own?

If this is the Harley Quinn solo act, I just have one thing to say...

I wish it'd had happened sooner.

Bravo!

Oh!

Up to your old tricks again.

Well, you're gonna be spending a lifetime together in Arkham.

You know, I'd love to take you, puddin'...

You know, I'd love to take you, puddin', but I'd never deny you the pleasure of buying me time to escape.

So get the hell on, you knucklehead!

Oh!

What you grinning at?

You comin' or what?

Us, escaping together?

I used to dream about this moment.

Oh, Harley!

I couldn't leave you on the boat.

I need you.

For this.

Mmm.

And this!

Some things never change, Quinn.

Has Harley called back yet?

Yeah! And she said she fixed everything, and I just didn't tell you.

Fantastic!

What's taking your shark friend so long to plant the b*mb?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's because he's a shark and not a demolitions expert.

Todd must pay for what he's done.

Let's see whose name is Bang now, Todd.

Ah! Good Lord!

Oh!

Hey, Shark guy, did we k*ll Todd?

Todd...

Doesn't work Wednesdays.

Oh, he must have changed the schedule.

Why, Lord?

Why take him when you could have me instead?

I am a perfectly delicious substitute.

What the hell are you talking about?

He's still alive.

Huh? Oh, I was rehearsing.

I have an audition for a margarine commercial.

Well, it was very moving.

Although, that could be the morphine talking.

I love everybody right now.

I came as soon as I heard. How's he doing?

Oh, my God!

I think he's going into cardiac arrest.

Someone? Nurse? Somebody!

No, that's actually a pretty standard shark heartbeat.

I'm fine. Oh, no sh*t?

So where's Harley?

She said she got help up with some Legion sh*t, but I figured she'd come running as soon as she heard.

Patrick Swayze's ghost!

It appears we've been deceived.

Ooh!

It looks like Jo-Quinn is back together.

Less than an hour ago, former lovebirds Harley Quinn and Joker were spotted tonguing each other down.

Hey, everyone!

Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't get here sooner.

I got held up at a crazy Legion board meeting and then--

Oh! It is one thing when I thought you ditched me for the Legion, but him?

I thought you were better than that, man.

No, I am. And I see that now.

Too late.

You promised you'd extricate us from having to join Bane, but you didn't, and now, look!

Some of us got our fins blown off.

I'll tell you one thing.

A Japanese chef offered a large sum of money for it and you weren't even there to tell me to not consider it!

Because you were canoodling with the Joker instead.

I know, but the whole reason I even met with Joker was to figure out how to get you guys out of doing that.

I mean-- Oh, please.

Drivel! Ive, you, you...

You got to understand.

No! Not this time, Harley.

I have done everything in my power to keep you away from that ass clown because I truly believe that you deserve better.

But you know what? I am done believing in someone who just doesn't believe in herself.

I'm... I'm sorry, Ive...

I made a mistake.

I know I did.

It won't happen again.

Bullshit! Poppycock!

It's true, Harley.

You're like the fish that cried Orca.

It's a story remarkably similar to that boy who cried Wolf, except that instead of a boy, it's a fish, and instead of a wolf-- It's an orca.

No! It's a wolf named Orca, but it can swim, which is terrifying.

And also morphine induced, but the point he's trying to make is, we are out of the crew!

Clayface!

I'm sorry, but I have a regional margarine commercial audition that starts in seven hours.

King? I have a catheter inside me, so I can't currently leave, but please note that as soon as I'm able to urinate in a normal fashion, I am also out of the crew.

Please, don't go.

Sorry, I... I have my own plan to focus on, but you probably don't remember that anyway.

No, I do and I still wanna help you with it.

I think I'd rather go solo on this one.

I need people I can count on.

Yeah, boss.

We got her.