02x01 - New Gotham

[bunniefuu]

My fellow Americans, it's been decades since Gotham City once exemplified American prosperity.

But one week ago, it hit the point of no return when the Joker seized control and instituted martial law.

Last night, his base of operations, the Joker Tower, came crashing to the ground, triggering an 8.6 earthquake that leveled the city.

Sadly, Gotham is beyond saving.

So it is with a heavy heart that I hereby declare that Gotham City is no longer part of the United States.

It is civitas non grata.

God bless the United States of America, and God help Gotham City.

f*ck yeah!

Honk honk, m*therf*ckers!

Home, sweet home.

Good job, my little baby drivers.

I got a treat for ya.

Now, Bud and Lou, don't you fight.

There's one for each of ya.

And for my big babies, I brought dinner!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Those beasts get steak and we gotta eat this guy?

Are we living in a mall or a zoo?

I like to think of it as both now.

No, we're not eating him.

This is Takashi, a sushi chef.

He's got a Michelin star!

I gotta admit, I was excited to eat a person, especially since I already had sushi, but I guess it's fine.

Come here!

Takashi, would it be gauche to ask for a spider roll, or are you strictly omakase?

Ive, are you not jazzed about sushi?

No, no. I mean, I like Takashi's hand rolls as much as the next gal, but don't you think it's time to kinda like wrap up this party up?

You know, it's been three weeks since you took down Joker.

There's no Legion of Doom.

No Batman.

Gotham is yours for the taking.

I am having a blast!

This is what I've always wanted, Ive.

Anarchy and sushi!

Yeah, I mean, you definitely could've had better sushi when Gotham had refrigeration and free trade with the rest of America, but...

Is this a bird?

Trust me. Seriously, you're gonna be kicking yourself if you don't take charge.

Ive, the best part of living in an apocalyptic wasteland is no one's in charge.

Whoo!

It's chaos, baby!

It's like 'Nam after the U.S. pulled out.

I don't think it's exactly like that.

But it is pretty awesome.

Hey! You're on Penguin turf.

Get the hell outta here.

The hell ya talking 'bout?

Penguin called dibs on the mall.

Uh, we've been chilling at the mall for, like, ever!

And dibs? There's no dibs.

The city's in ruins, idiot.

It's a post-dibs world.

Nobody owns nothing.

Except for me!

I own this mall.

It's chaos, baby!

It's like 'Nam after the U.S. pulled out.

Stop, stop, stop!

No flashbacks.

So you go back to the Penguin and tell him to go screw himself.

Hey, Takashi.

Can you incorporate this into a rainbow roll?

Light on the rice.

I'm watching my figure.

Harley, this is what's going to happen if you don't take control.

Every one of these assholes has an army of g*ons that they're just gonna keep sending until they take over the city.

I think you may be catastrophizing.

Hey! You're on Two-Face's turf.

Don't make that face at me.

Fine, I'll deal with it.

Listen up, g*ons!

Excuse me, I identify as a hench.

Listen up, g*ons and henches, the world we know has ended.

The Justice League is kaput, the Legion of Doom is doomed, and Joker's had his last laugh.

This is our chance to even the playing field.

You! Who do you work for?

The Riddler. Obviously.

Seriously? Two-Face. Come on.

But why?

What have those assholes ever done for you?

Joker treated me like sh*t, until I decided I'd had enough and took him down.

And look at me now.

It is time to rise up!

Everyone should be their own villain.

Don't work for the Penguin, be the Penguin.

Over here, the hench...

I've got a two part question for ya.

Are you saying we should become the Penguin, or that we should do stuff like him?

Up to you, goo...

...hench.

This is New Gotham.

The power isn't held by the few, it's up for grabs.

So everyone should go get some.

Everybody on the floor!

No, yous get on the floor.

Phil, the f*ck is going on?

Hi. Hey, I'm Steven, I'm the shift manager.

Uh, are we being robbed, or are you?

Plus also, the bank was just robbed 15 minutes ago by someone who said he was, quote, "Penguin like."

Two-Face double crossed by his own goo--

Citizens of New Gotham, riddle me this...

Citizens of New Gotham...

Craig? What the hell are you doing?

Who is this Craig you speak of?

I am the Inquizitor-or-or--

Craig, get off the air!

Here's a quizzy quiz.

Who's not my boss anymore?

You!

We're cutting in live from Penguin's casino and looks like I'm the big winner today.

Come and get it, New Gotham!

Are we all here?

We're missing one.

Your door is inoperable.

It's a pull!

Uh... My bad.

This guy... Gentlemen, thank you for coming.

Let me cut to the chase.

Harley Quinn's goon rebellion

...is destroying our way of life.

Stupid coffee machine!

It's impossible to figure out!

We need g*ons!

Well... well, I loosened it up.

Can I ask you a serious question?

Why are you so stupid?

Incredibly, Bane is right.

Not about the coffee maker, but we need g*ons!

Now they all think they're us.

If everyone's a villain, then no one is.

And we need to get them back in line.

We need structure. Right fellas?

We can't run organized crime...

Uh... I'm not in organized crime.

I'm actually trying to find a cure for my wife's terminal illness.

And how are you funding that?

Uh. Through organized crime.

Exactly... which we can't do with Harley leading this insurrection!

We need to get her on board and get our g*ons back!

Uh... one note, one small note.

Maybe we should have invited her to this?

What? Shut it, Bane.

Come on, come on. I know you're out there, buddy.

Robin?

No! This is the Bat-Signal, not the Robin-Signal.

Get out of here! Shoo, shoo!

Will you stop shooing me!

Batman is missing.

What?

He was in the Joker Tower when it fell...

And I haven't heard from him since.

Oh, my God!

Did you try texting him?

Of course I tried texting him.

What am I, 40?

Course! Could... you share that contact info with me?

Yeah. He wouldn't like that.

Plus that would mean you have my info, too.

C'mon! The city's falling apart!

We need Batman, damn it! Whoa, whoa...

He's gone.

Which is why I'm here.

'Cause I'm ready to take up the mantle.

I'm Batman.

Ow! That's thick plastic!

Slipped.

Can you just toss that back?

There's a little left in it.

Where are you, Batman?

Oh, come on. Let me pet you!

I want to teach you love.

Hey Takashi, you're gonna freak!

I got the last fresh ginger in Gotham just like you asked!

Ginger!

Hip, hip, hooray!

Holy sh*t!

It's about time, what took you so long?

Hey, you know, it's pretty rough out there, okay?

I had to fight five new question-based villains.

Uh...

Harley, a word.

Is it "congratulations"?

I stopped all the villains by liberating the g*ons.

Harls, this was your chance to control the city, but now instead of like five big assholes trying to run Gotham, we've got a thousand little assholes to deal with.

Ugh, you worry too much, Ive.

Um...

You know, I think I'm worrying like the perfect amount, to be honest.

Thanks, Lou. What'd ya bring me?

Harley Quinn, you are cordially invited to attend the inaugural meeting of the Injustice League."

What is the Injustice League?

I believe it is a play on "Justice League."

Boy, will they have a juicy lawsuit on their hands.

Wonder woman is very litigious. Trust me.

This is bullshit.

The city's supposed to be chaos!

You know, I'm trying to be less of a know-it-all, so I'm just gonna go read.

I can't, it's k*lling me, I told you so! Okay, Whoo!

Now I'm going to go read.

Hey m*therf*ckers.

Look at that, g*ng's all here.

Freeze, been a minute.

Bane, good to see you on your feet after the Legion went boom.

Luckily I was away, dog sitting for my Aunt Linda's girlfriend.

We're very supportive.

Aw, that's nice.

So, what's the deal?

You guys get invites to this Injustice League dealio too?

Actually, Harley...

Tada!

Wait, wait. You guys are the Injustice League?

We had time to get a banner made, but not enough to find one more executive chair?

Oh, again with the swivel chair.

Your recklessness forced us to band together to restore order in the criminal underworld.

There's gotta be a hierarchy.

Exactly!

It goes supervillains, sidekicks, g*ons that went to Harvard, and then g*ons.

Okay. That's just the same old sh*t.

I mean. This is a chance to do something new.

Much gratitude for the segue.

Feast your eyes on new...

New Gotham.

Hmm?

Not. Interested.

Whoa. Hey!

Where did this map come from?

I'm still on a g*dd*mn folding chair.

Jesus, Bane. we all thought it would be funny if we gave you a folding chair...

...and we were right!

Oh, I see your joke now.

Your... jest will be avenged.

Anyway... we've divided up Gotham.

Each of us will control a territory where we make our own rules.

Which you could have seen if we still had the map.

Guess which part was gonna yours?

Hint, the bad part.

I took out Joker, so I make the rules.

And this sh*t won't fly.

It ain't happening. Told ya.

Ivy, are you there?

Can you hear me?

Where am I?

Riddle me this...

Who's the biggest fool of all?

You! For wasting your only chance to rule Gotham.

If you'd just played the game, you wouldn't have ended up like this.

You did this to yourself.

You'll never be one of us.

You're just a sad, pathetic clown.

We're getting destroyed out there, men!

And Cheryl.

I know it seems like the bad guys have won, but I'm here to tell you they haven't.

Batman's still out there.

Somewhere.

I know things seem bleak.

We're being hunted by villains and citizens alike.

No food, no power.

I mean, my God, there's only coconut flavored sparkling water in the vending machines.

Oh, Cheryl!

I kind of like it.

America may have turned its back on us, and chaos fills the streets... we're still Gotham's finest.

We have a job to do, and God damn it, we're gonna do it!

Now you get out there and you take back your town...

Our town--

I'm taking over this police department.

Like cheeseballs you are! You don't have the authority!

Anyone else itching to get sh*t in their privates?

Hey... guys...

All right, Gordon, I'm a fair guy.

Heads you live and we'll call it time served.

Tails and we'll--

You won't get away with this, Dent.

I already have.

Give my love to Barb.

I'll be back.

And I'm bringing the Batman with me!

Ugh. Jesus Christ, coconut.

♪ You're a cop, You're damn good cop ♪

♪ Saving the city With Batman ya ♪

♪ Ain't gonna stop ♪

♪ You're a cop, cop, cop ♪

♪ You're a damn-good-cop! ♪ Bah, bah, bah!

Come on and get me, you crazy fucks!

Ben? And Cheryl?

On your knees, Jimbo!

The hell do you think you're...

Why would you do this?

You're cops.

There ain't no cops no more, old man.

We're Bane boys now.

Things change quick on these mean streets.

Let's jet!

You're a damn good...

...nothing.

Hey, Mr. Penguin!

Good to see you, Mr. Penguin!

How ya doing tonight, Mr. Penguin?

Fine, fine.

Hey. Sex upstairs later?

Oh. It's good to be the Penguin.

Mr. Penguin, good to see yo--

Okay, that's too many people saying hello to me. It feels disingenuous.

Ahhh...

I actually meant it...

Why so blue, Harley?

It's a party for Christ's sake!

Monsieur Penguin, uh, what can I get for you?

Where's Jeffrey?

You kil... k*lled him?

Oh, that does sound like me.

Would you like some champagne?

To celebrate your taking back the city?

Perhaps make a little toast to your magnificent self?

Mmm, why not!

The bird has taken the worm.

Tweet, tweet. Tweet, tweet.

I'm here. And?

And I'm not saying "tweet, tweet."

She said it!

But one birdie left...

Tweet, tweet, baby.

We're ready.

Let's hatch this egg.

Ladies and gentlemen!

We're k*lling it.

We put down the goon rebellion and they're thanking us for it.

We carved up the city and they're thanking us for it.

Sy, smoke, smoke!

Right! On it.

So I'd just like to raise a glass and...

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

You back there, sit down. I'm talking.

Stall Sy, stall.

As I was saying... Eh... Uh...

Hey, excuse me!

We got a birthday boy tonight. What?

And a one... And a two.

Happy birthday to you! ♪ Okay Psycho, nice and easy.

Easy! Careful. Careful!

♪ Happy birthday dear... ♪

♪ ...Penguin! ♪ Can I call you Penguin?

♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪ All right guys, let's go.

It's not my birthday.

♪ And many more! ♪ I said it's not my birthday.

And can we lighten up on the damn smoke?

As I was saying... thanks to me, and of course everyone's favorite ice sculpture, Harley Quinn.

Stop them!

All right, we gotta make this extraction as gentle as possible.

Okay. We can't rattle her because her life is in the balance, okay.

Ahhh!

Look what you made me do.

Okay, this is not a good start.

Oh, hey, Ive.

Harls! Hi. You okay?

How are you feeling?

Get me the f*ck outta this!

Everybody stand back!

Hit it, Sy.

Have at me!

Somebody free my swinging arm!

Fire finger, flame begin!

Ha!

Sweep the leg Johnny!

Harley...

I always thought you were a sidekick.

A goon with a name.

But I was wrong.

assh*le.

You're a mistake.

A mutation.

Thankfully, nature has graced us with a solution to the Harley Quinn problem, survival of the fittest.

My beautiful nose!

Without your bat, you're just a defrosted gymnast!

Eat grenades, Harley!

Take that!

I knew we should have k*lled you from the start...

Yeah, you really blew it.

Over here.

No stupid, over here!

Oh, sorry you missed me, f*cking idiot.

Over here.

No. Oops!

No. Wrong way.

Oh, you're so f*cking stupid.

Hey Harley, are you--

Ooh, yikes.

It's about to get way more "yikes."

Ahhh!

Yeah, that was definitely more "yikes."

Can we go get coffee?

Oh. Uh...

I let the emotions get the best of me earlier.

This is a minor setback.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Go to your brother's house, get his old scuba gear, we fish my badge out of Gotham Harbor.

Then, this right here... the new GCPD headquarters.

That's right.

I'm still commissioner. I'll start a new department.

I can deputize you right now, Barbara.

We'll clean up this city together... husband and wife cops. An unbreakable bond.

I want a divorce.

It's all hopeless.

Where are you, Batman?

They put me on ice and an hour later the g*ons crawl back to the bosses?

Harley, this might come as a shock to you, so I wanna... I want to say it as delicately as I can--

You've been iced for two months!

Two months? Nice work, Clay.

Um... Well, we've been we've been trying to break you out the whole time.

And hell, I got sh*t twice.

I never got sh*t, but I did put a lot of personal projects aside trying to save you.

I never realized how much we relied on your leadership before.

I mean, I don't want to say things were a disaster in your absence, but they weren't not a disaster.

In fact, things got so dire we finally got desperate enough to try the talking block of mud's stupid plan.

Which was a rousing success!

Thank you very much.

You see, usually penguin only hires the most distinguished waiters.

Which is why I had to develop my Francois character.

He was born... to a scullery maid--

Okay, thank you!

So, in the last two months, did I miss anything other than Clayface's long-winded backstories?

Harley, just come with me.

511 00:21:25,919 --> 00:21:28,555 So after the g*ons fell back in line,

the Injustice League carved up the city.

They call it new New Gotham.

Which is... I mean, I can't even...

If you just played the game you wouldn't have ended up like this.

You did this to yourself.

Who's the biggest fool of all?

You!

You were right all along, Ive.

I shoulda taken control from the start.

Riddler, Two-Face, Freeze, Bane.

I'm taking 'em all down.

And when I'm done, Gotham is gonna be... mine!

Cool.

Yeah. We pulled him from the Joker Tower rubble months ago.

He's been in a coma ever since.

The swelling should've gone down.

Let me just...

Oh, my God.

It's... Bruce Wayne.