02x06 - All the Best Inmates Have Daddy Issues

[bunniefuu]

Okay. Marry, f*ck, k*ll.

Kite Man, Mr. Freeze, Joker.

Yeah, I mean, the first one is my fiancee, so, duh.

And then, the other two are dead, and one of them is your dead ex-boyfriend. So, gross and duh.

All right, last one. Two-Face, k*ller Croc, Joker.

Again, he's dead, so let's just--

No. No, it's Joker.

Holy sh*t. It's...

A totally unremarkable looking white guy.

Ive, I am telling you that is him, just without his puke green hair and bleached white skin.

And maniacal laugh, blood lust in his eyes, and fire engine red lips?

No, that was lipstick. He always stole mine.

Ugh! He was so annoying.

Like, hello, you can m*rder a family, but you're afraid to buy makeup on your own?

Harls, this guy does not look like he was flattened by a thousand tons of steel and concrete when a tower of his own image crushed him to death, which is what happened to Joker, so...

Uh, his body was never found.

Haven't you seen those conspiracy videos on WayneTube?

Yeah, the one with the song raises some decent points.

But still, it's impossible that that guy is him.

Joker tried to throw me in that acid to undo me.

What if that's him undone?

Yeah, I think you're done.

Babe, I'm telling you it's not him.

Oh, f*ck, it's him!

Do you think he saw us? Oh, I hope he saw us, because I want him to see the face of his m*rder*r.

Hey!

Ivy, no! I just wanna leave without causing a scene, for the first time in my life.

Whoa!

I'm so sorry.

Oh. Totally my fault.

It's not often we have bar patrons on the floor.

I should not have been daydreaming.

Uh, about world domination?

Skintight purple suits?

Heavens, no! Purple clothes?

I wish I was that bold.

No, I was just thinking about my kids.

Kids? Say what?

Well, you know, they're my girlfriend's kids technically, but they feel like they're my kids.

Here. Here's a picture.

Harley. You, you know who I am?

No. Just, it says "Harley" on your bat here.

You almost left it. Thanks.

Well, if you need extra napkins or water, you know where to find me. Bye.

Joker always told me he hated kids.

You bought that whole act?

He is f*cking with you.

I don't know what his game is, but seriously, we should just k*ll him.

Yeah, I'm k*lling him.

We can't k*ll a normie.

Maybe that acid changed him, you know, for reals.

Last time you thought he changed, he pushed you out of a helicopter.

This is totally different. We are not in a helicopter.

People can't change. I did.

Remember when I used to be a psychologist, and I wore my hair up all the time?

Even then I could tell deep down you were a crazy bitch.

Aw. Thanks.

You are who you are at your core, now and forever.

You're wrong, and I can prove it.

Ninety-nine, one hundred. Damn it.

Better luck next time, boy-o.

Two out of three, squats.

You're on!

Well, you must be Dr. Quinzel.

Pleasure to meet you. I'm--

Harvey Dent, of course.

You're only the best district attorney Gotham's ever had.

And let's keep it that way at the polls tomorrow.

Can I count on your vote?

It's important young people like you vote.

Well, I may be young, but you did call me in to be the Joker's psychologist because, you know, I studied his pathology more than anyone else.

Wrote my entire thesis paper on him, but, hey, you know that.

We never read your paper. Hell, we didn't even know you wrote one.

Oh, then... Then why did you hire me?

Because you're cheap and you've got a pulse, skirt.

Joker's chewed up every other shrink in Gotham.

Which is why this election is so important.

Take an extra for your mom. She'll love it.

I believe in you.

I won't let you down, sir. I'm sure in no time, I can--

We have no time.

That psychopath's planted a b*mb somewhere in the city.

We need you to find out where before it goes kaboom!

We've only got 24 hours before the polls close.

Or the b*mb goes off.

What did I say, the polls? No, the b*mb. The b*mb.

Yes. No, I'm talking about the b*mb.

Of course, I'm thinking about the b*mb.

Damn it!

What happened? Why does it look like a salad bar exploded?

Sir, the cafeteria accidentally ordered living lettuce, sir.

Mr. Dent, you can't burn inmates.

Not yet. But prop 17 gives an exciting, new definition to prisoners' rights.

What are you gawking at?

Get to the Joker and find that b*mb.

Remember, tomorrow at the polls, yes on 17!

Riddle me this.

Who's in over her head and should've majored in communication?

Joke's on you. That was my minor.

Joke was on me.

I'm so sorry.

They shouldn't have done that.

f*ck off, narc.

You ready, sugar?

Hello, puddin'.

Puddin'? Oh, sh*t.

I thought you brought my lunch.

Who's hungry for pudding?

Joker, you're gonna eat the dessert first?

Ah ha! You know it, pal.

Word to the wise, Dr. Quinzel, never end up in maximum security, no matter how fun the crime is.

Eating alone is a real drag.

So, you know who I am?

I read your thesis. I thought it was pretty good.

Oh.

For fan fic.

Darling, if you want to get the story right, you have to go straight to the source.

That's why I'm here.

An opportunity to set the record straight.

Well, that's very good.

But you're here because you want me to dish about the b*mb, which is gonna go kaboom in two freckles past a hair.

Ooh, that's soon.

Okay, you caught me.

So, if you're not gonna tell me where, maybe you'd like to tell me why?

What? Look at this!

It's, like, five peas.

Seriously, what kind of nutrients am I going to get from five peas?

How about we take a step back and talk about your obsession with the bat?

What's that? I'm sorry. The speakers are getting a little fuzzy.

Where's Dr. Quinn's...

Peas... Puddin'?

Let me in the cell. I need to get on his level.

That's tough to do with bars between us.

You mean the glass? Whatever, Cheryl. Just do it.

Your funeral, sug.

There, the speakers aren't a problem anymore.

It's just you and me, with nothing in between us.

What? Hey!

What do we have here? Let me see.

Mighty fine penmanship. Hmm.

Blah, blah, blah. "Insane."

Oh, yes. Blah, blah, blah. "Egomaniac."

Blah, blah. "Cute."

I would never write that. But I know you thought it.

People are afraid of you, but I'm not.

Somewhere inside that big clown is a human being.

One that can be helped. You're so right.

People are scared of me.

And for good reason.

No.

Just to be clear about the b*mb, I'm not telling you sh*t.

Do not touch me.

Hey!

Ah!

You've got spunk.

I hate spunk.

An athlete and a scholar.

You're far too good for this dump.

Ah, well, I win.

Come back anytime, Harley.

Any idea how stupid that was?

It's a miracle he didn't k*ll you.

But he didn't. Joker wasn't trying to k*ll me, he was testing me.

He's screwing with you, Quinzel.

Oh, what's the u--

You're done. Turn in your badge and g*n.

I don't have those things.

Ah, right. Well, turn in your clipboard and glasses.

I know I can get through to him.

Give me one more chance.

Well, what other option do we have? Me.

Jesus! Was he here the whole time?

I'll make Joker talk.

Where's the b*mb?

Why don't you ask Robin?

Oh, wait. Jason Todd is dead, that's right, because I k*lled him.

Too soon?

Licorice? Oh, I could go for a red snack.

Oh, last one.

Leaving so soon, Batsy?

We were just revving up.

He's a lost cause.

We need to evacuate the city while there's still time.

No, we can't panic the voters.

Uh, the citizens.

You still think you can get to him?

You bet I can. Just give me a minute.

So, got any plans for tonight, Batman?

Uh, stop Joker from blowing up Gotham.

Yeah, of course.

I meant, like, after that.

I want to ask you about Joker.

Just k*ll him already.

But then the b*mb will go off.

People aren't worth saving.

k*ll joker, k*ll people, k*ll yourself.

Your file says you were in group therapy with Joker, but all the notes are missing. What happened?

Tough to take notes when you're getting m*rder*d.

Joker k*lled the psychologist?

Yeah, he really didn't want to talk about his family.

Hmm. And you know what? I don't wanna talk to you, so get out! Thanks for the help.

Back for more, Harley?

It's Dr. Quinzel.

Well, Doc, you've got guts.

I'll give you that. But that's all you get.

I don't wanna hear about the b*mb.

I wanna hear about what makes you tick.

That's good.

And it's almost a joke.

Tell me about growing up. sOh, look who passed their freshman psychology class.

We're in an insane asylum.

Not a single person in here came from a happy home.

People around here seem to think you have real daddy issues.

Ha! Who told you that?

Was it Penguin?

That mutant orphan's the one with daddy issues.

Well, I can see this is just too painful for you.

We can stop for today. Painful?

You think you can hurt me, sweetheart?

I've been hurt by the best.

Oh, please. Everyone's scarred by their childhood.

Not worse than me!

Fine. You wanna know how I got these emotional scars?

I'm listening.

All right.

I'll admit my parents weren't too fond of me.

What makes you think that?

Let me see. Quote.

"Son, we're not fond of you."

My parents were wealthy, but they never gave me much, especially not their attention.

So, you must have spent a lot of time alone.

Well, I had Mr. Ferris.

Was he a role model for you?

He was a ferret, a beautiful beast.

With gorgeous ringed fur, Mr. Ferris, the ferret.

Being an only neglected child, the pet was a brother to me.

We were inseparable.

Until one night, while Mummy was away, I made the mistake of wandering into my father's study.

There I found dear, old Dad with our maid, naked.

He roared at me, so I rushed out, went straight to bed.

I hadn't even had supper.

After all, the maid was busy.

The next morning, I found Ferris's cage empty, and Daddy above it with the widest smile I'd ever seen.

That day, my father took away the one thing I'd ever loved.

Then he b*at the sh*t out of me.

I just remember him standing over me, punching and laughing, laughing and punching, and punching.

Personally, I never got what was so funny.

But that's the thing about comedy.

Not everyone gets the joke.

You're not defined by your father.

You don't have to destroy the world.

I can help you if you help me.

All right. I'll 'fess up about the b*mb.

But promise me one thing. Of course.

I want to eat a normal meal like a normal person in a normal insane asylum at the cafeteria and all.

Done. Next week, you can eat whatever you want.

No, no. No, it has to be tonight, because I don't trust those assholes to keep your word.

Licorice, Batman? You said you were out.

I found more. Shut it.

Tell me where the b*mb is, and you'll have that meal tonight.

I promise.

I believe you.

The b*mb is in the heart of Little Italy.

Holy hell! She did it!

Yeah, that's beginners' luck.

That's the last time I'll underestimate a skirt with a PhD.

I'm gonna win the election.

Men in prison, get everyone over to Little Italy.

Pronto! That's Italian.

We can carpool, right? Global warming, it's an issue.

I, of course, can't go.

Me around an armed b*mb? Bad photo op.

But do anything it takes to stop that b*mb.

The voters thank you.

You still alive?

Guess I owe Riddler a 20.

Joker 'fessed up, thanks to you.

I didn't do anything. You told me about his family.

That was nothing. And I wouldn't have even told you about it if I knew you were gonna be so smug about it.

Like it or not, you helped me.

Everyone needs a friend.

And since you want humans wiped from the face of the earth...

Right. So, you cut a plant for me?

I could k*ll you with this. Yeah, you could.

You know, if I dip my shoulder, I could just squeeze right into that little space up front.

No. No? Yeah, dumb idea. Dumb.

Yoo-hoo!

Hey, I think that child lock is on.

Yeah, we're here.

The heart of Little Italy, you son of a bitch.

There's nothing here, Jim. There's no b*mb.

Damn it.

As long as we're here, you want to try the fresh mozz, or some brajoot, as they say?

Hey, so I was thinking, if you're interested, maybe I'll turn that thesis of mine into a full novel.

There it is.

You play naive, but you're better than that.

You never cared about the b*mb, did you?

You just wanted your story.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

You're naughty, Dr. Quinzel.

What happened to Harley? Well, Harley, I'm game.

That is, if I can call this our first date.

-What's with the Italian? -Oh, that's Luigi.

His food's the reason I keep coming back to Arkham.

I mean, him and Batman.

See, Luigi's got a bit of a nickname around here.

Little Italy.

It feels no good.

The flavor, really, just explodes in your mouth.

Paint my toenails.

You're not gonna believe this.

The b*mb was in a guy named Little Italy.

Luigi. Wait.

Where are you going, Dark Knight?

Why don't we dine al fresco?

Where is he?

You lying assh*le!

I told everyone exactly where the b*mb was, but you were the only one who got the joke.

Oh, my God! You're insane.

Please, I gave you what you wanted, a story.

The story.

Clown price of crime kidnaps hotshot psychologist.

Her tell-all sells millions.

Baby, I'm about to make you a star.

Not if they k*ll us first.

They're not going to k*ll me, because they won't k*ll you.

Honestly, you're safer here than back at that looney bin.

Take the sh*t. Sir, I can't without hitting her.

Who gives a f*ck? I can't win this g*dd*mn election if Joker escapes on my watch!

Ivy, you saved me! Say what?

I always knew you had a special place in your heart for the Joker.

Not you, assh*le.

Not bad for a first date, eh, puddin'?

Are, are you okay, or whatever?

Why did you save me?

No one's ever given me a gift before, I mean, not to mention a plant. So, that was nice.

k*ll them all!

Uh... I surrender.

Ow!

So, Doc, I was thinking of seeing a new therapist, if you could recommend, uh--

I'd love to. Cool.

Dr. Quinzel, thank God you're all right.

Phew!

Crazy night, huh?

But it's a happy ending.

Joker's captured, I'll win re-election, and you've earned yourself a promotion. Congrats.

We good?

f*ck off, Two-Face.

Bullshit. You came up with Two-Face?

And not a single royalty.

Ugh. Ive, you said humanity wasn't worth saving, but then you saved me, a human.

Even though it meant another year in Arkham. I mean, thusly--

Don't say thusly. I changed you, which proves your core can change.

Harley wins again.

God, you're so smug.

Harley, you didn't change me.

You helped me, sure, you know, but I didn't always hate people.

It wasn't until Mr. Ferris d*ed.

Mr. Ferris? You mean Joker's Ferris?

No, I mean Mr. Ferris, the ficus.

He was my first plant. I don't understand.

Harls, that was my story. I told it in group therapy.

Joker probably just stole it and weirdly changed it into a ferret.

What? I spent so much money on ferret paraphernalia over the years.

His custom Christmas stocking was a ferret.

Well, as always, Joker lied, surprising no one but you.

The first time my father hit me, that's when I gave up on humans.

Until I met you.

You never told me, Ive. I'm sorry.

Yeah, it was a long time ago.

So, what are we gonna do about him?

We call in a tie-breaker.

Oh, nice unit. Uh, can I help you?

Hmm. Sugar, sugar, sugar.

Nope. Oh, why not? I'll splurge.

Oh, boy. This is way too stylish.

Okay. There. Ah, that's normal.

Where's my new, old lucky sock?

There you are, buddy.

Ho!

What just happened?

Ugh!

He really loves those kids.

That is disgusting. Ugh! I hated seeing it.

And case closed.

He's got zero memories from before the tower collapsed.

You're welcome. All right, all right.

I was wrong. The old Joker is gone.

I guess the acid really did change him.

Which is why I just smoke joints.

f*ck you. That was a good one.

Papa needs his nap.

I guess this is goodbye.

Oh, jeez. sh**t.

Okay, enough.

Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy.

Good news, I'm the DA again.

Bad news, you're under arrest.

Oh.