02x09 - Bachelorette

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

- [AIRPLANE WHOOSHING]

- [BIRD SQUAWKING]

[PILOT]

Thank you for flying Apollonian Airlines.

We are beginning our final descent into Themyscira.

Please make sure your baggage is properly stowed.

A friendly reminder that any man who dares enter the island will be k*lled on arrival.

- [HARLEY]

Ah!

- [PILOT]

Enjoy your visit.

Here's your crown, here's your sash.

Here's a reusable penis straw made of recycled metals, and its cleaning wand and a carrying pouch.

Look at you, makin' your list, checkin' it twice.

You only get bachelorette weekend-ed once!

I'm gonna check on the other girls.

Mrs.

Freeze in da house!

You ready for the best weekend of your life?

Don't waste your breath.

I know I'm just a pity invite because you k*lled my husband.

Technically he k*lled himself.

But you still came.

That means you're open to having a good time.

Well, not really.

But I've never been to an all-female island before.

Seems like it'll be great for crying.

Hey, Jen!

[CHUCKLES]

It's Jennifer.

Ah, so glad you could make it from Michigan.

Must be hard leaving your four kids.

Would've been easier if I was the maid of honor.

You know, Ivy and I went to kindergarten together and we always said we'd be each other's maids of honor.

- [CHUCKLES]

- So cool.

So special.

[GASPS]

Wow, gross, that must happen a lot.

[GASPS]

[JENNIFER]

Ah.

- This is free, right?

- Yep, cheers.

Ugh.

Why did I pay for first class if you're just gonna - burst in here.

- The curtain's invisible.

I'm just makin' sure you have everything you need.

Can I show you how to wash your reusable straw?

You have two minutes until my Ambien kicks in.

But we're about to land.

Mmm-hmm, I'm trying to catnap through as much of this weekend as possible.

Everyone's ready to party!

[WHOOPING]

I'm so excited for you to marry Kite Man.

Me, too.

I mean, I love him, you know.

And I love him!

Ugh!

I mean, if you didn't marry Kite Man, I would!

- Oh, okay.

- Yeah, 1,000%.

I'm gonna set you up for the best marriage ever by making your bachelorette party the best weekend of your life!

- [HARLEY SNIFFS]

- [POISON IVY CLEARS THROAT]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

_ [POISON IVY]

Wow.

This is the most beautiful place I've ever seen.

Themyscira Resort works with the natural landscape.

It's so you.

Okay!

We're here.

Everyone out of the invisible van!

[YAWNS]

Harley!

I'm Eris, the resort manager.

We spoke on the phone.

I hope you ladies are ready for the VIP treatment.

This all feels like oddly corporate for the Amazons.

I mean, they don't seem like the type to offer soap concierge.

Oh, Svetlana knows her suds.

The economy has been booming since Wonder Woman disappeared, and Queen Hippolyta brought me on to keep that momentum going.

Hope and Mercy here will escort you to your suites.

Take lots of pics and don't forget to tag us.

Itineraries are in your rooms.

Everyone meet in the lobby in 20 for our spa treatments.

I have never seen you with a clipboard.

I mean, I'm...

I'm like impressed with it, but it's also kinda freaking me out.

It's all for you, Poison Bridey.

[CHUCKLES]

How excited are you to party with all your besties?

Uh, look, I know this isn't like a friend group so much as, like, a disparate collection of strange women I glommed on to during the most difficult stages of my life, so...

You deserve a fun girls' trip.

And so do they.

I already took the safe out of Catwoman's room, I had Mrs.

Freeze's AC turned way up, and I know Jen doesn't like fish, so...

I said don't call me Jen.

[JENNIFER CHUCKLES]

Harley, you have obviously put a lot of planning into this trip, which just doesn't seem like you.

Is everything okay?

Of course it is.

I'm the maid of honor to the hottest bride on Earth.

Thanks.

For everything.

[SIGHS]

I'm truly embarrassed for you.

- What?

- This whole sweaty maid of honor routine, too many thoughtful details.

You two hooked up.

What?

No!

Me?

Her?

No, never.

Stop denying it.

[GROANS]

Fine, yes!

We kissed.

Okay?

[SIGHS]

Feels so great to say that out loud.

It's really been weighing on me.

Thanks for saying something.

I really need a confidante.

I am not here to support you.

I do not want to talk about this again.

Sure, sure, I may have feelings, but I'm not gonna act on them.

I mean, neither of us wants that.

They'll fade over time.

That's what feelings are known for doing.

Neither of us wants that!

Why don't you say it one more time to be sure?

[CLAYFACE]

Oh!

I have almost finished the border.

Hey!

That's part of the other cloud.

Do not force puzzle pieces.

Look at the cover of the f*cking box.

King, what are you doing in the cabin?

I thought the open sea was your home.

It was my home, but I left for unspecified reasons, the origins of which I choose not to get into right now.

Well, hey, this is a bachelor party.

The Wi-Fi's a little slow, but I think I have some tunes downloaded on my phone here.

No.

Just the score to Big Momma's House 2.

Heavens to Betsy.

A rogue lobster just scuttled aboard.

[YELPS]

Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no!

I'm not ready for this.

Nanaue!

I have searched the seven seas for you.

No!

No, no, no!

It's a talking lobster.

Have you ever seen anything as crazy as a lobster talking?

Who is this Nanaue?

King, you okay?

Do you owe this lobster money?

[KING SHARK]

I wish that's all I owed him.

I told you guys I didn't want to leave the marina.

[SAMSON]

I and I been looking for you for months.

Your father needs you.

The Hammerheads, they won't sign the trade deal.

If the Federation crumbles, it will start a w*r.

You must come home and marry Tabitha, for the safety and livelihood of your entire kingdom.

What about what I want?

What are you saying?

You are Nanaue.

Is this an elaborate prelude to mermaid strippers?

I said I did not want strippers.

No.

[GROANS]

My father is king of the Shark Kingdom and I was heir to the throne, but I didn't want an arranged marriage.

So I ran.

And now it's time for you to shark up.

- Come, quickly!

- He's with us now.

So you can go back to Shark Kingdom.

[CLAYFACE GASPS AND GROANS]

You should listen to the lobster.

I'll come with you, Samson, but only to tell off my father once and for all.

Don't finish the puzzle without me, guys.

It would be a betrayal.

That was weird.

How was your snorkeling lesson, Mrs.

Freeze?

[MRS.

FREEZE]

I'm starving.

When's our table gonna be ready?

Ugh.

These patio heaters don't work.

Ugh.

Small talk makes me claustrophobic.

Tell Ivy I said happy...

[SCREECHES]

[HARLEY]

Listen up, you picky b*tches!

This weekend isn't about what you want to do or not do!

Get off it, Harley.

You suck at this.

f*ck you, Jennifer!

This is about having the time of our lives to prove to Ivy that we are excited - for her marriage!

- [JENNIFER GROANING]

So, when our bride comes back from changing her tampon, you better participate, you better smile, and you better start drinking like your life depends on it!

- I don't drink.

- I don't care!

This vegan golden apple pate is divine.

[WOODENLY]

I don't miss the meat.

Me too, totally the best.

I haven't even thought about my dead husband once.

Only my happiness for Ivy.

Yay.

Cheers to Ivy.

And to Harley, for making this whole weekend possible, I guess.

To having fun on our girls' trip.

Wow.

Every one of my awful friends are having fun.

You have done the impossible.

Oh, can you toast again for the camera?

I want to post it to our sosh meed.

Really?

I thought this whole thing was like a secret island.

Oh, it was.

But now it will be a premier resort destination for A-Listers only.

Hadids and above.

Right, right.

And, Your Majesty, how do you feel about that?

I am very onboard with this.

Um, what the f*ck is wrong with the Queen?

Meh!

Cultures change.

Who wants to look at a dessert menu?

Is there anything to do around here besides relax?

Oh, of course.

There's a restorative waterfall, a wilderness hike, and just a ferry ride away there's a tiny island called Hedonikka.

- It has men and they...

- We're doing that.

Look, I'm only here to tell my dad no.

And maybe pick up some lunch.

Nanaue, I've known you since the day you was born in the bosom of the ocean.

Down here is your home.

Mmm-mmm.

I'm a land shark now.

I have land friends, and a land life.

There are so many rules on land.

Nothing beats deep-sea living.

Oh, really?

Name one thing that's better.

Just one?

I can think of many.

♪ The sea plants are always brighter ♪

♪ 'Cause they're fertilized with sh*t ♪

♪ A land life constrained by toilets ♪

- ♪ Now that really is the pits ♪

- It's not bad.

♪ But when you got the ocean floor ♪

♪ You don't have to wipe no more ♪

- Ugh!

- ♪ Don't fuss with TP ♪

♪ When you go peepee ♪

♪ Beneath the sea ♪

♪ Beneath the sea ♪

♪ You've never had a cleaner ass ♪

♪ Than when you're pooping like a bass ♪

Oh, hey, Franklin.

♪ Octopus ink all day ♪

♪ The blots they float away ♪

♪ Look at the seahorse he feels no recourse ♪

♪ Beneath the sea ♪

Dave, I haven't seen you in years.

♪ Check out this grouper ♪

♪ Poops like a trouper ♪

♪ And this pink flounder ♪

♪ Using the ground here ♪

Are there other parts of your argument besides being able to defecate wherever you want?

♪ No one will notice ♪

♪ Not that sea lotus ♪

♪ It is all chill here ♪

♪ We all eat krill here ♪

I love krill.

♪ Beneath the sea ♪

♪ Beneath the sea ♪

♪ No need to wash your hands ♪

♪ You can just run them in the sands ♪

- [LAUGHS]

- ♪ There are no bathrooms ♪

♪ It's all a bathroom beneath the sea ♪

Okay!

I get it!

There's poop everywhere!

Look.

That was a very compelling argument, with impressive choreography, but I remain unconvinced.

Well, how about this?

If you don't get married, hundreds of thousands will die, and most likely lead to the extinction of two proud shark bloodlines.

Okay, see, that feels like what the song should've been about.

Mmm.

It's more difficult to find rhyming patterns with that subject matter.

Okay, I'll consider marrying Tabitha, but only to stop the two families from warring.

Not because I can sh*t anywhere in the ocean.

Call the Federation.

The wedding is on!

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTING]

That's what I'm talkin' about.

- _ - [ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOMEN CHEERING]

Ladies of the Aeagean Islands!

Put your hands together and welcome the God of w*r to the stage!

[WHOOPING]

Yeah, baby!

Oh, my God!

I can see the outline of his penis!

[WHOOPING]

This is the best night of my life!

[YELLS]

[MRS.

FREEZE MOANING]

Oh, sh*t!

Cobb Squad reunion!

Remember when you two met?

Let's get "Cobb Squad" tattoos.

Oh, my God, let's do that.

- We're all getting matching tattoos!

- [CATWOMAN GROANS]

I know you made everyone pretend to get along at the restaurant, you know, but, like, now they actually are.

You did that.

You always go the extra mile for me.

I'm your best friend.

You are my best friend.

[SNORING]

Oh, sh*t.

Piss cakes of a d*ck.

[GROANS]

All right, listen to me.

We shouldn't have done this.

We should not have done this.

The mind-blowing orgasmic sex or the staying over?

[POISON IVY]

The all of it.

- The all of it.

- Right, of course.

And, you know, we don't want it to happen again...

No!

No!

No, we do not.

Never.

Obviously.

That would be awkward and derail future plans.

Plus, you know, - there's no room in the itinerary for...

- [DOOR OPENS]

We made another mistake.

No big deal, we were drunk.

We're friends!

We have a working relationship.

We can get past this.

- It's gonna be fine.

- Oh, good morning, Poison...

- I need to get out of here.

- She needs to get out of here.

Wait, what?

Are you...

Are you sure?

So sorry, but there's no way off the island today.

The invisible plane is out picking up some investors.

Well, is there an invisible boat?

Or a visible boat?

Is there a f*cking fisherman?

- A trawler?

- Yes, look for boats.

Oh, unfortunately, no.

[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

[SIGHS]

Harley, I f*cked up, okay?

I will be in my room until this weekend is over.

[KING SHARK HUMMING]

Huh?

You wouldn't happen to be Tabitha?

Yup.

You must be my betrothed.

I didn't think you'd show.

Yeah, they came and found me.

Then they sang me the song.

Did they sing you the song?

- I live the song.

- Wait.

I'm picking up some vibes that maybe you don't want to get married to me.

What gave it away?

The fact that I've managed to chain-smoke even though I'm underwater?

[FANFARE PLAYING]

Son, you've finally come home.

Hi, King Daddy.

Now, let's get this show on the road.

Where's the bride?

Daddy, I have some bad news.

She doesn't wanna get married.

And neither do I.

- What?

- [CROWD GASPS]

Hmm.

Wild night, huh?

Oh.

Nothing gets by your cat instincts.

Or through paper-thin walls.

I messed up.

The feelings didn't go away, now Ivy's upset.

You've known her the longest.

What should I do?

Don't look at me.

- Jennifer's known her the longest.

- [JENNIFER GROANING]

See you at brunch, Harls.

[POISON IVY]

I...

I need to be alone right now.

Ivy, look.

You're here, you're q*eer, get used to it.

Let's enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Harley, that was a huge mistake, okay?

And nothing like that can ever happen again.

Totally.

Look, the first time we'd just escaped jail.

The second time we were drunk.

It's a two-time thing.

Well, a four-time thing within a two-time thing.

[SIGHS]

Look, your friends came all this way to spend time with you.

Plus, I still have a very fun surprise planned.

The Crown Jewel of the weekend!

Come on, Ive.

The weekend can't end like this.

I wanted it to be perfect for you.

We'll forget last night ever happened.

Yeah, I...

I'll come out.

Let me just...

Let me put on a bra.

Here, it...

it was in my room.

[JENNIFER]

Ugh.

I'm so hungover.

I need another mimosa, I think.

All right, ladies, I have a big surprise.

Are we going back to the strip club?

I left my fanny pack.

No, someone stole it.

Anyway, Eris, the hotel manager, is actually an enemy of the Amazons.

She possessed the Queen, and is using her to sell Themyscira to Lex Luthor so he can put on an upscale lifestyle and music festival.

He's already shipping the port-a-potties.

- And we're gonna k*ll Eris.

- Yes!

Which will save this beautiful island and its natural resources.

You know, environment sh*t.

I've been scoping this out for weeks.

- Yep.

I love it.

- Really?

Yes, obviously!

Why didn't you tell us sooner, woman?

I wanted you to enjoy the spa facilities first.

Yeah, night one we enjoy the resort, and night two we destroy it.

Oh, my God.

Harley, this is so thoughtful of you.

Like, it's exactly my taste.

It's like my thing.

m*rder?

I don't know.

I work in life insurance.

These are bottomless, right?

Okay, let's k*ll her.

What are you doing?

What I should've done when I left...

Finally standing up to my father.

Dad, I've made a good life for myself.

I have friends that I'm so important to they won't even finish a puzzle they're working on until I get back.

Do you understand that type of bond?

So I will marry when I'm in love.

No shark of mine marries for love.

I can't share a clamshell with someone who doesn't even know me.

No offense, Tabitha.

Uh, I don't wanna share one with your ass either.

Nanaue, if you leave my kingdom again, you can never return.

Then this is goodbye, Father.

[GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION]

And one last thing.

I like pooping in the toilet!

[CROWD GASPS]

The shame of it.

Ready to officially unite Themyscira and LexCorp?

Well, it's not like Wonder Woman's gonna come and save them.

I wish I could be there to consummate this marriage in person, but...

[GROANS]

Little Lexi's sick.

[LEXI COUGHS]

Sign here, Queen, and we'll all get rich.

Well, everyone except you.

[CHUCKLES]

Aw, sad.

- [POISON IVY]

Hey!

- [ERIS]

What the...

Selling out the Amazons to Luthor?

You're gonna have to take that sh*t up with... The Cobb Squad!

Wait, are you...

Did no one else get one?

- Jennifer?

- Uh...

[YELLS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

You hit me in the tit.

Sign here, date here.

It's the 16th.

- [JENNIFER GRUNTS]

- [SCREAMS]

Eris, get the contract!

[HARLEY GRUNTS]

Harley on your right!

No, no, your other right!

My right!

How do I close this window?

Ah!

It's in full-screen mode.

sh*t.

[GROANS]

Which HDMI port did you use?

- [HARLEY GRUNTS]

- [JENNIFER PANTING]

- [JENNIFER GRUNTS]

- [ERIS GROANS]

This is for selling out nature and women and...

Not having bottomless mimosas.

[PANTS]

What happened?

You were possessed by Eris.

She turned your island into a resort.

This is Themyscira?

Yeah.

And Harley Quinn saved the day.

With the rest of the Cobb Squad.

Very well.

We shall celebrate the Cobb Squad's victory in the ancient tradition of the Amazons.

We're gonna have a f*cking rager?

We're going to have a f*cking rager.

- [WOMEN CHEERING]

- [JENNIFER WHOOPING]

[BOTH GROAN]

Are you having fun?

I'm just glad you talked me into coming back out.

You know, it's like, aside from the horrible mistake that we made earlier, this has been my dream vacation.

I mean, relaxation, partying, m*rder.

I mean, man, you know me better than anyone.

You're easy to celebrate.

And you're fun to celebrate with.

[SNORING]

- Oh, sh*t, f*ck!

- Oh, double f*ck.

Oh, for the ding of f*ck nuts!

I can't...

What is wro...

How can I f*ckin'...

Oh, my God.

We have talked about this.

We cannot do this again.

We just said that we weren't gonna do it and then we did it again.

You're right.

You're totally right.

We can't do this.

We can't...

Wait, why can't we do this?

Because you're my best friend, and I can't stand the idea of losing you.

- You know?

I...

- You don't have to.

We'd be closer than we've ever been before.

Well, not closer than last night, - I mean, that was crazy.

- Yeah, that was f*cking crazy.

Don't you want to feel this way all the time?

Our whole lives could be going around the world saving nature, freeing all-female armies, partying, getting free stuff.

It would be so fun!

I love you.

Just think about it, okay?

[CLAYFACE]

Ooh, one hour till we dock.

I bet we can finish the puzzle.

- Hey!

- No one touches another piece until King Shark gets back!

Nobody.

I mean it!

I can't wait to see Ivy.

Ah, I wonder what she'll complain about first.

Probably the airplane food.

God, she is one in a million.

Wow.

You certainly share a unique connection.

[KING SHARK ROARS]

The King hath returned!

So you stood up to your dad?

That rules.

I looked him right in the eye and I said, "Daddy, I'm not marrying Tabitha".

Good for you.

A man is nothing without his convictions.

Exactly.

And then, a couple minutes after that I came back and got married.

What?

I can't say no to King Daddy.

But at least now he knows I'm not happy about it.

Wait.

You got married to someone you just met?

She didn't reject you over and over?

How many times did you propose?

I think...

none?

- What?

- Tabitha and I worked it out.

We'll stay married publicly, but we're each allowed to have secret relationships.

I mean, sure, we could probably get along and have a very milquetoast marriage, but I don't want that.

I wanna be with someone who excites me.

Where love isn't safe, the kind of love that doesn't have limits.

I want a soulmate.

Just like me and Ivy.

[CLAYFACE]

Mmm.

[HARLEY]

Bye!

Jennifer!

Welcome home, honey.

[SHUSHES]

Stop.

I'm going by Jen now, okay?

Okay.

[STAMMERS]

What...

What happened on that trip?

[MRS.

FREEZE]

I can't wait to get you home.

[CHUCKLES]

Ooh!

Stop.

[CAR SQUEAKING]

[EXHALES]

Okay, I've thought about what you said.

And this weekend was so special.

Amazing, really.

And you're right, that we have had these high highs together.

But...

[SIGHS]

Harley, you run from one thing to the next, and at some point that's gonna be me.

And the truth is, I trust you with my life, but I don't trust you with my heart.

So, I...

I'm marrying Kite Man.

Hey, girl.

How was the trip?

It...

it was good.

Hey, you wanna go make some chili, sit on the couch watching TV for four to six hours?

[CRIES]