02x11 - A Fight Worth Fighting For

[bunniefuu]

Lotta sh*t happened this season, people.

Lotta sh*t.

So much sh*t, I'm compelled to recap that sh*t for you.

Also, I tested very well as a character, so the producer would like to shoehorn me into the show whenever possible.

Okay. Oh, man.

This season's been compellin' as f*ck.

Lots of twists and turns.

Cable ACE Award-winnin' stuff.

When we last left off, that tiny rat bastard, Dr. Psycho, had betrayed Harley.

Turns out, that tricky m*therf*cker

was in cahoots with the Riddler.

And, with the help of some bullshit technology

straight out of a comic book,

they now control a army of blood-sucking parademons,

courtesy of Darkseid.

Dark-side? I don't know how to pronounce that sh*t.

So, now, the only way Harley can stop Psycho is with the help of the Justice League.

[GULPS] But wouldn't you f*cking know, they're trapped in the Queen of Fables' storybook.

Remember that sh*t from Season ?

Look at how intricately woven this storytellin' sh*t is.

Peabody Award-level sh*t here.

Further complicating matters is, the only m*therf*cker who knows where that book is,

- is the Joker.
- [COUGHS]

But, that dude's a khaki-wearin' amnesiac,

who's somehow whiter now

than when he was the color of paint primer.

And now, our heroine,

Ms. Harley Quinn, has gone against her better judgement,

and has dumped the Joker back into acid

to jog that m*therf*cker's memory, so he can find the storybook,free the Justice League, and take down Psycho and his f*ckin' army.

[WHOOPS] This is some George R.R. Martin,

Emmy Award-winnin' sh*t.

Now, get yourself some popcorn, and let's watch.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[GURGLING SOFTLY]

[HISSING]

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[GROANING]

[HARLEY GRUNTING]

[SHOUTING] Where's the f*cking book?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[DR. PSYCHO LAUGHING]

Begin the taking of Gotham City!

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREECHES]

- [WHIMPERING]
- [SCREECHING]

[WHIMPERING]

[SCREAMS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[SNARLS]

[SCREECHING]

[RIDDLER] Riddle me this...

[INHALES] Oh.

What's the next move?

- Not a riddle.
- [GASPS]

This whole, uh, sidekick thing has made me real rusty with my rids.

God! Get me Darkseid.

Oh. You want me to get him.

Oh. Sorry.

My phone doesn't have an inter-dimensional data plan.

Good lord!

[SARCASTICALLY] Some assistant you are.

Give me my phone.

Okay, Ds.

Deadshot, Deathstroke, Dee Dee, Doctor Aesop,

Doctor Death, Doctor Hurt, Doctor Trapp,

Doctor Rabinowitz...

What is Doctor Rabinowitz's super power?

Skin care. He's my dermatologist.

I get adult acne.

Here it is. Oh! [CHUCKLES]

- I put him under The Darkseid. That's what's wrong.
- [PHONE BEEPS]

[RINGING]

[JOKER] What the f*ck is your problem, Harley?

I should k*ll you for that.

Good. You're back.

Now, where's the Queen of Fables' book?

You had it in the tower, the tower collapsed.

What happened to it?

What happened to it?

What happened to me?

Oh, God! Oh, no.

Oh, sh*t.

What are you doing?

[NERVOUSLY] I'm starting to remember.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[MONITOR BEEPING]

[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

[PUPPY WHIMPERING]

[PUPPY BARKING]

[PUPPY BARKING]

- [TIRES SCREECHING]
- [CRASHES]

[CRACKS KNUCKLES]

What did I become?

A suburban dad. Who gives a sh*t?

Where's the f*cking book?

I'm not helping you!

You're the whole reason

I ended up spending six months of my life in khaki shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and a cell phone clipped to my belt!

Yeah. Thought you might say somethin' like that, which is why I'm not giving you a choice.

You can't tell me what to do!

I'm the Joker,

Gotham's clown prince of crime.

I'm gonna...

Blow up if you don't help me find the book.

Before you came to, I put a b*mb in your head, and I got the clicker right here.

Hey! That's my bit.

[BEEPING]

[GROWLS] Fine.

I guess we're going to Bethany's house.

[BATMAN] I lost communication with the Batplane around Wayne Tower.

Master Wayne, you know you don't have to narrate for me.

I'm quite adept at context clue.

If I can just get a glimpse of it.

I can use the city surveillance systems and track it.

- There! No.
- [CLICKING]

No. No. No. No.

[CLICKING]

Computer. Enhance.

[ALFRED] We have a new OS.

All you have to do is say, "Hey, Batcomputer", and then whatever you want it to do.

Hey, Batcomputer.

Zoom in on picture.

Joker's back, and Harley's with him.

They must be behind this.

It's time for Batman to... return.

[STERNLY] No, Master Wayne.

Come on, Alfred. I am ready.

Oh, I'm not worried about you.

I just haven't had a chance to disinfect the Batsuit.

Fine. Okay. Clean the suit...

[SOFTLY] then Batman begins.

Again.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREECHING]

All right. This all looks perfect to me.

Can we go to the dress fitting now?

Babe, let's at least have Debbie show us around.

What's the rush?

[NERVOUSLY] What? There's no rush.
There's no rush. I'm chillin'.

So, I heard one of you loves to fondue.

Fon-do I ever!

Fon-damn it!

Oh. We'll figure out a fix for that.

Babe, are you sure you don't wanna postpone the nupties?

You know, just until we get the whole

"unpredictable flying demons" sitch figured out?

Like, I'm not even sure I can kite down the aisle

- in these conditions.
- No! Absolutely not.

I'm ready to move forward with my life and leave some things behind.

And, if we don't do it right now, those things might catch up with us, and we can't have that.

[HESITATINGLY] And... also, like...

I wanna marr...

You know, like, love and marr...

I wanna do that thing with you.

[CRYING] That was really touching.

Thank you for saying that.

I don't care what Psycho does, this wedding is happening.

So, this, of course, is where we'll put the... [GASPS]

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[DEBBIE ON PHONE] ... the photo booth.

We'll have all kinds of silly props like a sign that says "YOLO".

It'll be hilarious.

See, honey? We're in great hands.

[JOKER] I can't believe I spent six months being some loser suburban stepdad.

God damn it!

I'm watering the whole neighborhood.

Get the f*ck back!

Hold on! It's not what it looks like.

Well, it looks like he's the Joker, you're Harley Quinn, and you're here to rob me.

Two out of three. Not bad.

We're not here to rob you.

There's a book.

A big, fairytale book.

It's hers. She needs it back.

You're gonna have to elaborate, clown.

[GROANS]

You found me in the rubble of Wayne Tower.

We fell in love.

I read your kids stories out of what I thought was just a regular fairytale book, but it was really an evil fairytale book.

And it turns out I was actually the Joker, but I lost my memory, then she threw me back in acid.

Now, I'm the Joker again.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

I dated the Joker for six months?

That's f*ckin' ridiculous.

Is it any more ridiculous than pointing that g*n at my face?

The g*n you think little Sofia and Benicio don't know about?

The g*n you've never loaded or sh*t in your life?

[GROWLS]

Soy yo, pudding.

Mi corazon.

[LOCK CLICKING]

- [GROANS]
- [INSULTING JOKER IN SPANISH]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Give me the book, or I'll k*ll you.

You're not killin' anybody.

So, nothing we had was real?

The trip we took to the mountains, the walks we took at night after the kids were asleep,

The Sopranos rewatch we did?

I guess. I mean, I did kind of enjoy those.

But, I didn't know who I was!

I'm the Joker!

Obviously, I'm not going to date some suburban mom!

That was a little harsh.

I'm the f*cking Joker!

[CHUCKLES] I mean, come on! I mean, seriously.

I thought we had something.

But, if you're too much of a coward to try, then here's your book.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREECHING]

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

- [HARLEY] sh*t!
- No sh*t.

[CALL WAITING MUSIC PLAYING]

[GIGGLES] What's he saying?

[SHUSHES] I'm still on hold.

[ON PHONE] Who interrupts Darkseid's quest

for the anti-life equation?

Uh, it's... [CLEARS THROAT]

[IN DEEP VOICE] ... Dr. Psycho.

Ah. The dwarf who called Wonder Woman a slur

that even I dare not utter.

God! That was, like, two years ago!

Also, "dwarf" is considered a slur.

Just FYI. This isn't Wizard of Oz.

[DARKSEID] Darkseid does not care.

[SARCASTICALLY] Yeah. Why would you?

Okay, so, Mr. Darkseid, sir, I have recently taken over Gotham City after organizing all your parademons, and...

What is your request?

Okay, I'd like that deal that you made with Harley Quinn.

The one that said if she took over Gotham, you'd help her take over the world.

Darkseid is... late for a meeting.

All right. I'm gonna make this quick.

When I was a little boy,

my mother brought me to the county fair.

There was a Ferris wheel.

A big, beautiful thing,

and you had to be a certain height to ride it.

And, of course, I was too short.

But, my mother would always say,

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] "Patience, Eddie.

I'm sure next year you're gonna be big enough".

Let me tell you right now.

The next year rolled around, and I hadn't gotten any taller.

Years went by.

I hung upside down from my ankles for hours.

I took growth hormones.

Anything to ride that big wheel in the sky.

I never did get there.

But, then, one day,

somethin' very unexpected happened.

[GIGGLING] All those people

fell to their death!

[ALL SCREAMING]

[GROWLING] And it was a rush!

I thought it was so satisfying to watch all those people die!

And, that's when I decided to hate women.

I'm not sure that tracks.

But, you get where I'm comin' from.

[DARKSEID] I will end this transmission now.

[SOFTLY] Wait! Wait! Wait!

Most insomniacs who stay up all hours of the night doing deep dives on Wikipedia would tell you that % of apocalyptian business transactions are fueled by revenge.

So, I was thinking...

- [LAUGHING]
- What?

Why are you looking at me all weird?

I just read your mind.

What? That's creepy, man.

Sir, what if I bring you the head of Harley Quinn?

I mean, she did break the terms of her original agreement with you, and it seems like a good reason to want her dead.

[DARKSEID] You would vanquish the woman

who betrayed me?

[CHUCKLES] Yeah! Of course.

I mean, we're already in the process of that.

We're mid-vanquish.

Bring me the head of Harley Quinn,

and the Earth...

is yours.

[EXCITEDLY] Yes! f*ckin' sweet!

- I mean, it will be done.
- [CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Oh. Soon, the whole world is gonna bow before me.

Bring me Harley Quinn!

[SCREECHES]

God, your calves are huge!

[SQUEAKING]

[SCREECHING]

[MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKER]

[POISON IVY] What do you think?

I think this is highly against protocol.

If my mother saw me seeing you in that dress before the wedding, she would say something very passive-aggressive that would bring me to tears.

Where is Harley?

She should be here. Not me.

What? Forget about Harley. She was busy, and I don't have any other friends, so you're up.

Babe, did you and Harley get into a fight or something at the ol' bach partay?

It just feels like you've been different since then.

What? No. We're, like, totally fine.

[STAMMERING] We just... She...

She's just got her things, and I've got mine.

It's a classic case of, like, people just, you know, havin' things that they do away from people.

Plus, she's like not good at this stuff.

You know, it's like, you are.

You are good at this kind of thing.

You are right about that.

[INHALES] Okay. Um... [CLICKS TONGUE]

Are you totally set on cream?

What? What do you mean?

- The... Isn't this just white?
- Nope.

- [SCREECHING]
- Oh, sh*t!

[GRUNTS]

[SCREECHING]

[SPEAKING SLOWLY] We don't speak your language.

Is there another way we can communicate?

You do know that speaking louder will not help them understand you.

It... might.

What the f*ck?

sh*t nuts with a can! Oh, my God!

I wasn't even sure I wanted a backless dress, and now I'm stuck with it.

Yeah. I was gonna say, a backless halter... is a little rural.

[GROWLS]

[GROWLING] I've had it!

I didn't care when they were taking giant dumps all over the f*ckin' city, but this is a $ , Vera Wang!

[NERVOUSLY] Uh... Okay. Thirteen...

So, you know, are we doin' the traditional thing where the bride's parents pay for the wedding?

Dr. Psycho's dead.

Hold my hair.

Yeah. Sure, honey.

[MENACING MUSIC PLAYING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[HARLEY SHOUTS] Get down!

[SCREECHING]

We're not going to find this book.

Ugh. This sucks!

Why don't you just blow my head up right now?

[ANGRILY] It's your fault we're here.

If you hadn't been an assh*le to your ex, she wouldn't have chucked the book into the jaws of a parademon.

She chucked the book because she's loca.

She's got it tattooed on her lower back next to a Tweety Bird.

Although, we did have some good times.

Great. Uh, I don't give a sh*t.

Let's find the book.

- [SQUELCHING]
- I might actually say it was the most fulfilling relationship I've been in.

Jesus Christ! Are you gettin' sentimental?

Where was that when we were dating?

You fell in love with me when I was famous.

When I looked like this. [CHUCKLES]

Bethany fell in love with me when I was just a square-looking barback with not a lot of prospects.

Uh, that wasn't the real you!

[SHOUTING] You had forgotten what a piece of sh*t you are!

I can't believe you were ever a therapist.

I'm starting to wonder, did I screw something up good with me and Bethany?

Probably not.

Just seeing you toss away your chance at Ivy has...

Has got me thinking about my own love life.

I mean, I don't wanna biff it like you did.

Hey! I told Ivy how I felt, and she didn't feel that way.
[SHOUTING] And end of story!

Water under the bridge!

Right. Right.

[SARCASTICALLY] The screaming about it at the mere mention of her name certainly backs that up.

[SCREECHING IN DISTANCE]

f*ck, yeah!

[SNORING]

Look at these hideous monsters.

Oh, Bethany and I used to cuddle just like that.

God, we could just sit on the couch

and talk about nothing for hours.

We just got each other.

She always had my back.

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Good God!

That's true love.

Then you can't just give up.

Love's a risk.

It may not always go in your favor, but if it's true love, you have to fight for it.

[BELCHES]

That is foul.

Ugh! Let's get the hell outta here.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[GROWLING]

Maybe it's T. rex rules.

If we don't move, they can't see us.

[SCREECHING] _

Yeah. I'm pretty sure they can see us.

[GROWLING AND SCREECHING]

[GRUNTS]

I can't run in f*cking wingtips.

[SCREECHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[SHRIEKS]

[JOKER YELPS]

[SHRIEKS]

[SCREECHING]

[JOKER GRUNTS]

[BOTH PANTING]

[SCREECHING]

Nice knowin' ya, Mistah J.

[SCREECHING]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

So, you're all in league with Psycho, and you've gotten back with Joker.

Oh for two, idiot.

Jesus, Bats.

Your time out of the game has really made your detective skills go to sh*t.

[BATMAN] I doubt that.

[HARLEY] We're trying to save the city.

Psycho's mind-controlled my crew and all the parademons.

And, in order to stop him, we're trying to free the Justice League

- from Queen of Fables' book.
- Oh.

[GROWLS] Oh! That is not the book.

What? Then the actual book is...

[SHOUTING] Still at Bethany's!

Looks like we're takin' a detour to suburbia.

Bats, tell Zatanna to meet us there, and bring her wand.

- Who's Bethany?
- My girlfriend.

- What?
- My ex-girlfriend!

I'll explain on the way.

[SCREECHING]

Okay. You're tellin' me that Harley and Joker were in the g*dd*mn nest, but escaped with Batman?

[SCREECHING]

And, they're headed east in the f*ckin' Batplane?

- [SCREECHES]
- Northeast. Whatever.

sh*t! What the hell are we gonna do?

- Batman was supposed to be out of commission!
- [CRASHING]

Hey, Psycho!

You tiny-dicked assh*le.

I was tryin' to just sit this one out, but you screwed with my g*dd*mn wedding.

So, either ground your g*dd*mn parademons until the "I do's" are done,

- or so help me...
- Oh!

Actually, I'm so happy you came, Ivy.

I was really in need of a friend.

[WHIRRING]

[BATMAN] So, you, the Joker, were in a relationship with a nurse practitioner.

Technically, she was in nursing school.

And you professed your love to Ivy.

Ugh! Still don't know why you brought that up.

Oh, my God! It came up organically.

It would've been awkward if I didn't say anything.

Look, we need to get that book before Psycho kills us all.

No. This is mine to do.

[KNOCKING]

Didn't I tell you to f*ck off and get lost?

Yes. Yes, you most definitely said both of those things, but, um...

I just can't stay away, Beth.

You know, I thought I had the perfect life before I met you.

Maiming, k*lling, causing general chaos.

I thought I had it all.

But, now, I realize...

I was missing something.

Love is what makes life worth living.

So, Joker went through some changes over the last few months.

I don't wanna blow what could be a great thing.

Like a friend of mine did.

I still have the remote to blow up your f*ckin' head.

I wanna give this a sh*t.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[GASPS] Oh, baby!

We need that book.

Jesus! Read the f*cking room!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTH GASP]

[WEAKLY] Thank Hera!

That place was hell.

[SOFTLY] They made us listen to the same songs

[BREATH SHUDDERS] over and over again.

[TREMBLING] Too soft. Too hard. Never just right.

Never just right.

So, in summary, we have to take down the parademon army and get to Dr. Psycho.

No time to waste!

[GRUNTING AND GROANING] Sorry! It's been a minute.

I should probably get back to Central City.

[GROANS]

I'll go make some coffee.

So, is this your new life?

You're gonna go coach a little league team and get ice cream after the game?

[CHUCKLES] No!

Little Benicio's lactose-intolerant.

Look, lots of dads are serial K*llers.

I'm not gonna change who I am.

I just have a better reason to k*ll.

I am in love! [LAUGHING]

Now, it's your turn.

I told you, I tried. It didn't work.

Ivy said no.

Are you prepared to live with that?

I'm prepared for anything.

Ivy! What're you doing here?

I've got something to tell you.

I am going to k*ll you.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

- Damn! That sh*t was tense.
- [GROANS]

See, now, this show is a comedy that combines both humor and dramatic tension.

- Can I get a Chiron?
- [BUZZER SOUNDS]

See you all next week.

Same Frank time, same Frank channel.

I'm gonna get some popcorn in anticipation.

Hey, Chaz. Hook a brother up!

- [LAUGHS]
- [SLURPING]

[SPITS] There's butter on this!

[SHOUTING] What the f*ck, Chaz?

I'm watchin' my cholesterol.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]