04x26 - Squatters' Fights

[bunniefuu]

Destiny, hurry up in there.

I have to go really bad.

I'm still getting ready for the campfire.

I don't want to be known as the girl who only has one fabulous look a day.

And I don't want to be known as the girl who exploded.

Stop rushing me.

(EXCLAIMS) I almost curled my eyelid.

(GROANS)

Our bathroom is tiny and you're always hogging it.

I hog it?

You sing your entire campfire set in the shower.

I mean, you sound angelic, but enough already.

(WATER RUNNING)

Did you just turn on the water?

That is evil.

Oh, Ava, would you mind leading the campfire tonight?

I need to replace this broken board before somebody falls through it.

Sorry, Lou. I can't do anything till I use the bathroom.

Oh, not the one in the mess hall.
It's out of order.

Much like a lot of things at this camp.

The kitchen drain pipe burst, the Bunny Cabin roof has a leak...

(GROANS) Please don't say burst or leak.

I'll just use the Grizzly bathroom.

Okay, but when you go in there, make sure you don't look directly at it.

At what?

You'll know when you see it.

But then it'll be too late.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Hey, Gwen, would you mind getting the campfire started?

There's a butane lighter in my toolbox.

A lighter?

In the woods, you know what we call someone who needs one of those to start a fire?

Let me guess, dead?

No, cold. Geez, Lou. Dark.

You know what else is dark?

The things the campers call me when they don't get their s'mores.

Savages.

Don't worry, I'll get that fire going.

My way.

That's weird. It's not working.

Need some help?

No, I've got this.

I was starting fires before I could walk.

I learned to walk to get away from fires.

Don't worry, Gwen.

They're probably just damp.

Nope! Dry as a bone.

Then it must be the wind.

Not even a breeze.

Also, my finger tastes super weird tonight.

Why isn't this working?

Gwen, it's okay.

Fire hard.

Not for me.

You guys are making me look bad in front of my friends.

(WHISPERS) Destiny.

Have you seen Grizzly Cabin's bathroom?

It's huge.

They have a countertop you could play hockey on, and the toilet and shower have their own rooms.

I know, right?

Their toilet is luckier than we are.

If we had a bathroom like that in our cabin, we could all be in there at once and still have privacy.

You and Gwen would be so much less annoying.

Remember when we talked about only letting the nice words out?

How come you knew about this and never told me?

Because it's their cabin.

What can we do about it?

What we can do is get their cabin.

My tiny bladder and your endless hair routine demand it.

Hey, why is there no fire?

Because fire hard, okay?

Hi, Lou!

It's me, Jerry!

Little Jerry Collins from Gopher Cabin?

I haven't seen you since we were campers here.

Remember that time you fell off that Jet Ski and it dragged you by your braces all the way across the lake?

(LAUGHS) The good news was,

I didn't have to worry about getting my teeth straight anymore, because they got ripped out.

(LAUGHS)

These are made of toilet-grade porcelain.

Oh, I almost couldn't tell.

You will.

Now when I swallow, it sounds like a flush.

Okay.

I didn't know you still lived in Moose Rump.

I take it you came with your dad?

He's supposed to be fixing a few things around here today.

Well, when he told me that you hired him,

I begged him to let me do the job instead, and he said yes.

Oh, so you're a handyman, too?

I sure am.

Starting today, my dad says

I'm no longer an apprentice.

I'm an unsupervised apprentice.

Well, here is a list of things that need to be fixed.

Why don't you start with this wobbly table?

I can do this. (CHUCKLES)

I can do this.

Are you telling me or trying to convince yourself?

Uh, little of both. (CHUCKLES)

Hopefully you're buying it, 'cause I'm not.

Hi, boys.

How are you doin'?

Awesome!

I just found out what the new handyman's teeth are made of.

Just when I thought I knew everything you could do with a toilet.

I wish we were doing awesome.

(BOTH SIGH DRAMATICALLY)

Well, what's wrong?

It's our cabin.

What's wrong with your cabin?

Well, for some reason, rare birds always land on our windowsill.

And I'm like, come on, if you're so rare, why are you always around?

Rare birds?

I love rare birds.

You do?

And since we're downwind of the mess hall, every morning our cabin just reeks of, ugh, bacon.

I love the smell of bacon!

But you don't eat meat.

So?

My nose still has needs.

And the worst thing is, every morning this big, obnoxious beam of sunlight shines through our window.

And it makes this giant bright spot right in the middle of our room. (SIGHS)

Wait.

So your cabin has a natural spotlight?

That's not a worst thing, that's a best thing!

Easy for you to say.

You're not living in it.

Well, we might be willing to take that problem cabin off your hands.

Would you be open to switching?

Whoa.

I mean, give me a minute to process.

This idea has never occurred to us until this very moment.

Right, Destiny?

What?

Uh, yeah, yeah, total shocker.

I mean, I guess that would be okay with us.

So it's a deal?

Deal.

ALL: Suckers.

ALL: What?

ALL: Nothing.

ALL: Suckers.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Finn, are you trying to split wood with safety scissors?

I don't know why they call them that.

I've cut my fingers three times.

Well, step aside.

These hand hatchets will have this done in a jiffy.

Hi-yah!

Ow!

Hi-yah! Ow!

Safety scissors?

What is happening to me?

I couldn't start a fire, and I can't chop this wood, and earlier today I was so chilly I put on a...

Cardigan.

Do you know what that means?

I think it means sweater, but Matteo's the fashionista.

It means I'm going soft.

I've lost my skills.

I've become one of you people.

You sweater-loving people.

Hey! Unless that was a compliment, then, hey.

The girls' cabin.

Who knows what dark and mysterious things happen within these walls?

Uh, sleep?

Yes.

Girl sleep.

Well, I'm going to line up my shampoos in order of increasing pH level.

Yeah, I have issues.

(MATTEO SCREAMS)

Again?

I keep telling him to switch to button-fly jeans.

This is it?

It's so small.

No bench? I have to stand?

There has to be more.

Okay, good.

There's a walk-in closet with beds and dressers.

That's the bedroom.

Dang it!

I can't believe I didn't ask for a floorplan.

(SIGHS) I was just another boy, blinded by his unquenchable thirst for birds.

I guess you didn't do your doo-doo diligence.

(LAUGHS)

Anyway, maybe we shouldn't be so upset.

Remember all the great qualities this cabin has?

You're right.
It will all be worth it tomorrow morning when you smell your frying bacon, and you wake up to your rare birds, and I step into the spotlight I so deserve.

You guys got that doo-doo joke, right?

Hey, Lou, how's the handyman working out?

Uh, I don't know yet.

All I know is that he has no experience, and he doesn't drive a car because he's "not good with his hands."

That does not sound promising.

Yeah. But he's a really nice guy.

And besides, I owe him.

I was the one driving the Jet Ski that gave him toilet teeth.

I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Table's fixed!

Having any doubts?

All of them.

See? Your problem was that one leg was shorter than the others.

So I cut the other three down, but then they were too short,

- so I cut the first one again...
- We get it, Jer.

Staring at the end of the story.

Oh, no! You hate it.

Oh, my dad will be so mad.

He's definitely going to make me move out of his spare car.

You're blowin' it, Jerry, you're blowin' it!

Oh. You didn't let me finish.

It is short, but it is perfect for our smaller campers'...

Dolls.

Really?

Oh, phew!

You were wrong about me, Dad!

Well, off to the next job on the list.

"Make people like me."

Oops!

Wrong list. (LAUGHS)

What am I gonna do?

Fire the doof!

But I've never fired any doofs before!

Or any non-doofs.

Besides, I feel sorry for the guy.

(RATTLING) Look at him.

Ugh! I think your door's broken, too!

Give it a push, Jerry.

Fixed it.

That one's on the house.

Gwen? Something's different.

Did you always have wheels?

Since the old woodsy Gwen is gone,

I've decided to completely embrace the new modern Gwen.

I'm just like everyone else now, a meme-loving sheep who wears super-cool sunglasses.

Those are virtual-reality goggles.

That explains the flying squid.

Gwen, you'll get your old powers back eventually.

You're just in a confidence slump.

Trust me, I've been there.

You have?

It happened in third grade.

I was at the peak of my burping-on-command powers.

Then, one day at lunch, the popular kids called me over to do it.

You know, the big show.

I inhaled, squeezed, and nothing.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Then I was at a school assembly, there was this super-quiet moment.

The paramedics were wheeling out a cheerleader after she did a back flip into the bleachers.

The perfect time to let out a real corker.

Then my instincts kicked in.

And then I ripped one for the history books.

It was so beautiful, the boy next to me cried.

I don't think that's why he cried.

The point is, when the time is right, your instincts will come back to you.

I appreciate that you're trying to help me, but I think the old Gwen is gone for good.

(SCREAMS)

Squid!

You lied to us.

Nothing you promised about the Woodchuck Cabin is true.

There was no smell of bacon, no spotlight...

And I didn't see a single rare bird.

Just Chef Jeff in a European swimsuit.

Which I can't unsee.

And the bathroom is a shoebox with plumbing!

We demand you give us our cabin back.

No way.

We tricked you fair and square.

Yup. This is our cabin now.

And as long as we're in it, you can't take it.

It's called squatters' rights.

You've been here one night.

That legal argument would never hold up in court.

You would never hold up in court.

(GASPS)

I told you I didn't pass the Bar in confidence.

Now if you'll excuse us, I have to use our bathroom.

And since it's so big, Destiny, care to join me?

DESTINY: Sure.

I don't even have to go.

I might just take a nap on that giant counter.

Well, that's a ridiculous thing to say.

The whirlpool tub is so much more comfortable.

Jerry, are you about finished with that...

Ceiling fan?

Almost! (CHUCKLES)

Any reason why you installed it to the wall?

Uh, you...

You noticed, huh?

It's just I'm not good with ladders, so I figured a fan is a fan no matter where it is, right?

Yeah. Unless it's on the wall, Jerry, then it's a kid-chipper!

You know what, Jerry, we really need to talk.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Yes, sir.

(WHISPERS) It's my dad.

What?

You are?

He's really proud of me for keeping this job!

I love you, too, sir.

I can?

Okay.

I love you, too...

Dad.

No, you're right.
It felt weird on my end, too, sir.

(SNIFFS)

Uh, so, what did you want to talk about?

Oh.

I, um, just wanted to say how perfect the wall fan is.

You know, I always thought there were too many places in this room where people could just walk safely. So...

Happy to help.

Here's the fan remote.

Off to the next task.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

At least it's not on the wall anymore.

So now how's everything with Jerry?
Any better?

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

JERRY: (GROANS) Ow! Who put that there?

Oh, I did.

Yeah.

That pretty much sums it up.

Okay.

You've got to put on your big-girl coveralls and fire him.

It's what I would do.

JERRY: (GROANS) Ouch!

And on my birthday!

Come on, Lou.

Be the Ava I know you can be.

You know what? You're right. Hmm.

I'm going to be exactly like you would be.

Heartless, ruthless,

- cruel...
- Stop!

I'm blushing.

(COUGHING)

What the heck happened?

I don't know, but good news is your toaster now works the lights.

The bad news is, your lights don't make toast.

Okay, you know what, Jerry?

I'm so sorry to say this,

- but you are...
- Fire!

Well, I wasn't going to yell it, but...

Oh, fire!

Push, Jerry.

Are you sure the girls are going on a night hike?

Yep, I overheard Ava talking about it, and then she told me to leave, and I said, "Okey-doke."

It was classic Ava-Noah.

They claim that whoever's in the cabin has squatters' rights.

So we wait for them to leave and then we squat.

Still not sure how legally sound that is, but...

I'll go with it to get my heated toilet seat back.

Matty likes his tushy toasty.

Oh. Here they come!

Do we have to go on this hike?

The batteries are going to run out on my shoes.

We've been planning this for days.

And you love night hikes.

That was the old me.

This me just wants to use our new steam shower, and listen to Taylor Swift, and drink things with pumpkin spice.

Okay, this has got to stop.

I miss old Gwen.

- New Gwen is dreary and basic and...
- Shh!

Stop talking.

And kinda rude.

What's wrong?

There's something foul in the air.

I'm sensing danger.

Guys! I'm sensing danger! Isn't that great?

Kinda depends on the danger.

You two go without me.

Mama's back, and she's goin' huntin'.

(WHISPERS) I am the night.

Hey, Night, we can still see your shoes!

(CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTS)

We did it!

Boys, time to pop a squat!

(SHRIEKS)

Noah, are you hurt?

No. Who did that?

You can take Noah, just let us go!

Well, now I'm hurt.

(MOANS)

(SCREAMING)

A web of ropes!

You mean a net?

No. That doesn't sound right.

Who are you, you monster?

Hello, boys.

What is going on?

Sleep.

Gwen! You got your old self back!

It's just like you said.

When the time was right, my instincts kicked in.

Told you.

You've been a good friend to me.

So I'll give you a -second head start.

Good one, Gwen.

Ten, nine...

Oh, okay, we're doing this.

Three, two, one.

Jerry, we really need to talk.

Yes, we do.

There's something important I need to tell you.

- Me, too.
- BOTH: It's going to be hard to hear.

- I quit.
- You're fired.

BOTH: What?

Oh, no, you go first.

Your thing sounds more important than my thing.

I'm gonna have to leave you.

I got hired by a different camp.

Oh, no.

You didn't.

Actually, a better camp. Camp Champion.

Oh, no, you didn't.

I'm sorry, but working at a more prestigious place like Camp Champion will look better on my resume.

- No offense.
- Uh, offense taken.

You'd be lucky to keep fixing things here.

And besides, nothing ever breaks at Camp Champion anyway.

Except maybe the diaper dispenser for those spoiled little babies!

And also, without my support, you would have never gotten your father's unlisted number.

You know, you're right.

That's right, I'm right.

And also, may I suggest family counseling?

The last couple of days,

I have had a great time at Camp Kikiwaka.

I owe it all to you.

Thank you.

That makes me really happy to hear you say that.

- I wish you nothing but the best...
- I'll stay!

Whoa, what's that now?

To show you my appreciation.

I'm going to keep working here.

And I'll start by installing a new gas line.

Right by that lightning rod! (CHUCKLES)

Oh, don't worry, Lou.

You're never getting rid of me!

Hey. We need to tell you something.

Don't even think about asking for this cabin back.

(CHUCKLES) No, of course not.

We just came by to say that you win.

Grizzly Cabin is yours.

Well, that's good, because Gwen set traps for you all over the cabin. Just in case.

She didn't even tell us where they are.

Which I now realize is a problem.

Look, it all worked out.

Lou just told us she's going to build us a bigger bathroom.

Wait, our old cabin is getting a new, bigger bathroom?

That's all we wanted in the first place.

It's gonna have heated floors.

Matty likes his tootsies toasty.

Okay, I'm gonna have to put my foot down on this "Matty" stuff.

It'll also have something called a bidet.

I looked it up.

It's weird.

But French.

Now we Woodchucks will have a great bathroom, too!

Hold on. You think you're Woodchucks now?

Well, that's what the sign on our cabin says.

Of course, being Woodchucks means we'll be Lou's favorites from now on.

But don't worry, we'll do her proud.

We'll get it.

They can't do this.

We love being Woodchucks!

So let's just trade back.

Yes! Then we can be Woodchucks with a new bathroom.

One without such a troubled history.

Okay. Let's switch back.

Hmm.

I don't know.

We'll do your chores for a week.

Deal!

Oh, and when you're doing my laundry, make sure you use fabric softener.

- Matty likes his trousers...
- No.

Home sweet home.

I can't wait to have our bigger bathroom!

Thanks for helping us move back, Lou.

It's the least I could do after you gave me all that advice about Jerry.

So you finally stepped up and fired him?

No, he quit.

Well, that makes it easy.

And then I hired him back.

Thought it was too easy.

But then I decided to put on my big-girl coveralls and just be honest with him.

Tell him what he was doing wrong, and offer to help him improve.

Give him a practice project.

Wow. Well, that's nice of you.

So, what's his practice project?

Funny you should ask.

(DOOR OPENS)

(GASPS)

Hey, friendos!

Whoa, fancy!

You hired Jerry to remodel our bathroom?

Oh, quick question.

You girls married to the idea of walls?

Or flushing?

'Cause if not, I'm done!

You can use my bathroom if you want.

- You think?
- Yep.