06x04 - Leo's Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

Leo, what do you want for lunch today?

You can have beef ribs or pork ribs.

I want a sensible salad
with dressing on the side.

Ugh, the things your father teaches you.

- [door opens]
- Annette, you're early.

Hey, can you please go make
small talk with your grandma?

I'll be out in a bit.

DANNY: It's not Ma, it's me.

And minutes early, is early.

minutes early is on time.

- On time is late.
- That's really great, Danny.

Nice to see you.
Hey, what're you doing here?

It's not Saturday.

Well, Ma wasn't feeling well,

so I thought I'd take Leo to school

because you got so much going on

with your divorce and everything.

I'm sorry, Danny, I couldn't hear you

through the walls of your glass house.

You were married for, like,
two seconds longer than me.

I'm not getting a divorce.
I'm getting an annulment.

Totally different. God's little eraser.

But you, there was Casey, me,
and now nurse hair gel.

- What's his name?
- His name is Bun.

Ben. His name is Ben.

And that was my only divorce.

If I wasn't such a low-key nice person,

I would point out
that you've been divorced

from basically every
blonde woman in Manhattan.

- It was two.
- Okay.

Okay, enough. I gotta get Leo to school.

- Is he wearing red?
- No, why would he wear red?

You know that hot colors wash him out.

The kids are doing
their unit on gay pride.

Leo's the red in the rainbow.
Top billing. Come on.

Do you not read your Bleecker
Friends' weekly emails?

It's just that they send a day

and they're all the same.
You know, like,

"Blah, blah, blah, give money,

something, something, Yom Kippur, lice."

Yeah, last week we almost
had to shave Leo's head.

For Yom Kippur? When will it end?

Okay, look, Min, I know
you and I are really busy,

but I gotta tell you,

Ma spends more time at school
than you do.

People are starting to think
she and I are Leo's parents.

Like I could ever score
a beauty like that, mm.

Please don't bite your lip like that

- about your own mother.
- I didn't bite my lip.

You did. And I'll tell you

who participates a hell of
a lot in that school.

My checkbook. It participates so much

they should be asking it
to speak at graduation.

Okay, I can see you're
getting real agitated.

Probably because of your
current romantic situation.

I am getting agitated

because of my former romantic situation.

- Me?
- Yeah, you.

Leo, let's go.

- Let me find him a red shirt.
- Please.

[theme music]

[light music]

Guys, I think my son
might be a genius artist.

- Move over, Banksy.
- Who told you?

I'm not Banksy.

Look at this incredibly cute
drawing he did at school.

- I'm gonna put it on the fridge.
- So when Leo makes a drawing,

it gets prime fridge placement, okay,

but when I try to hang my art,

everyone says it's p*rn?

- Come on, guys.
- Blond hair, blue eyes,

no calzone in her hands.

That's definitely not
a drawing of you, Mindy.

- Hmm?
- In the...

Okay, that's Leo's girlfriend, Daisy.

Have you met this Daisy yet?

I mean, does she come
from a compatible family?

You know, new money? Shouty?

I don't know her.

Maybe I should be spending
more time at Leo's school.

I wouldn't worry about it.

My father was always away
having his affairs

and Mother stayed in her room

talking to her mirror
with the shades drawn,

and I turned out great.

How much of that mug is bourbon?

A mug never tells.

[laughs]

♪ ♪

All right, Morgan,

this has been fun,

but we should get back out there.

I feel like people are gonna
start wondering where we are.

Or at least where I am.

Well, maybe we could get some lunch?

My treat. Blood bank called.

They are accepting my donations
once again.

I guess I'm not sick anymore.

Ooh, I don't know about all that.

I feel like us
going out to lunch together

would be too much of, like, a date.

And why can't we go on a date?

I really appreciate you helping me

with my fertility treatments
and helping me grow,

but I think I respect you too much

to continue having sex with you.

Come on! Ugh!

Why does everyone have
to respect me so much?

And if you don't mind,
please don't tell anyone

about any of this.
You know I hate bossip.

Just as much as I love wossip.

All right, real quick.
I get it. I hear you.

Can we still hook up
once in a while on the side?

No, no, that's what I just said.

I don't wanna hook up no more.

Here. Got your lunch.

I ate the fries.

Ooh, my McCafe caramel macchiato.

- Come to mama.
- I mean, do I get one or...?

Well, they were supposed to just be...

- Well, just... okay, thank you.
- Oh, by the way,

there's a hysterical Catholic
woman on the phone for you.

Oh. It's Annette.

Hey, Min, Dot got into
a fight at Cardio Strut.

She thinks she's good enough
to be in the front row,

- but she's not.
- You're just jealous

'cause the teacher gave me
an adjustment.

You're just trying too hard
to look sexy.

- It's not an effort.
- Look.

I am gonna be late for picking up Leo.

You know what, Annette,
I'm gonna pick Leo up today.

I wanna meet this Daisy and make sure

she's not after his money.

Are you sure you know where it is?

Yeah, Annette,
I know the name and address

of my only son's school.
ANNETTE: All right.

Bleecker Friends
Quaker School for Toddlers.

Astor Place.

Thank you, and I pick him up at, what,

like, : or : tonight?

: . My God.

[playful music]

And we now have a new line
of genetically modified sperm.

We call it Frankensperm.
Not to be confused

with Al Franken's sperm,
which we have a ton of.

I'm actually more interested
in health, college education,

and, if possible, telekinesis ability.

Hmm, I noticed you didn't
say, "Has a big heart"

- or "gap in teeth."
- Shh.

Now, Miss Webb,
would you like for the child

to be able to contact the donor?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't wanna confuse him or her.

Also, I want them to be able to make

a documentary about this one day.

You don't want the kid to meet his dad?

Do you want him to end up like me?

Nah, man, the exact opposite. Shut up.

I don't have time for this.

I have a : appointment
with a very famous donor.

Robert Durst.

Louis ain't got no time
to deal with this, Morgan.

He's New York's best spermmolier.

I am never doing anything
nice for you ever again.

MINDY: Just go pick up my laundry.

Nothing would give me more pleasure.

Robert Durst, huh?

I've seen Limp Bizkit
three times in concert.

She means Fred Durst.

♪ ♪

Morgan, I know
what's gonna cheer you up.

Folding our briefs. Yeah?

Oh, we are gonna need
more bleach on these.

- That's for sure.
- I don't wanna be cheered up,

Colette. I wanna be sad and left alone.

Anyway. I was doing a load of laundry

and I found this little
gold necklace that says "Diva."

Did some girl you bring over
leave it here?

- It looks familiar.
- Uh, no.

It's a birthday gift for you from me.

Really? I found it in your bedsheets.

I didn't think you were gonna like it,

and I'm gonna return it and
get you something much better.

- Oh, no.
- Okay, okay.

I love it.

I've never thought of myself as a diva,

but now it's the only way I see myself.

♪ I'm a diva,
I'm a diva, I'm a diva... ♪

- [dogs barking]
- Shh, stop.

Hey, hey, they hate it. They hate it.

[light music]

♪ ♪

Oh, hey, Dr. Ledreau.
What're you doing here?

I'm picking up my son, Sergio.

Your son? Say what?

Oh, did you not know?

I Schwarzenegger'd my cleaning woman.

You have a little kid.
That's so gro... great.

- That's so great.
- Yep.

Best court ordered thing
I've ever had to do.

Sergio, va-ma-nos.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey, Leo. Hi, sweetheart.

- How was school today?
- Good.

Good. I wanna meet Daisy.

I wanna see if the girl
lives up to the drawing.

Daisy, Daisy.

Oh, there's my favorite guy!

Coming back for another hug?

How are you?

You're getting so big.

[gasps] Oh. Oh, hi.

Wait, you're a mom?

You must be Dr. Lahiri's nanny.

I'm Daisy.

♪ ♪

Leo, why don't you go get your backpack.

- Thank you.
- Bye.

- Exsqueeze me.
- Mm?

Why does my son refer to you,
an adult woman,

- as his girlfriend?
- I'm so sorry.

Our kids are in the same class here,

and I just... I felt a need
to take Leo under my wing.

I would see him standing there all alone

while all the other kids were
with their parents,

and I... really, it's...
it's been a pleasure.

- He's a very sweet little boy.
- Yeah, I know he's sweet.

I had gestational diabetes
my entire pregnancy.

- Hmm.
- Oh, my God.

- Are you Leo's mom?
- Mm-hmm.

Hi, I'm Ronald,

a stay-at-home father by choice.

I'm Eunice Rhee.

I can't believe you're real.

I know, right?

You are like our Loch Ness Monster.

[laughs] I am nothing like

the Loch Ness Monster. First of all,

I can't swim. Second of all,

my neck is sort of short and thick.

Although, I have been known
to be blurry in photographs.

I'm... I'm so sorry, Dr. Lahiri.

It's just you're never here
at all, ever.

You're actually the only
parent who hasn't volunteered.

For anything.

Okay, well, you will see me
at the next event.

What is it? Bernie Sanders' birthday?

Navajo Christmas? Sign me up.

Actually, our Japanese sister school,

the Sliding Screen Shinto
School for Pre-Businessmen,

has sent us a beautiful
cherry blossom tree

to plant on the grounds.

I'm sorry... and people
actually wanna come to that?

Oh, yeah.

Because I definitely want to.

I'm sure I'll gain in memories with Leo

what I lose in lucrative billable hours.

That is wonderful.

The ceremony is tomorrow at : ,

and you need to bring a homemade snack

- for the whole school.
- Yeah, now some of the kids

can't eat peanuts,
but they can eat tree nuts.

But none of the kids can eat tree nuts

if it's mixed with gluten.

However, one kid, Joey,

- must have gluten or he'll die.
- Great.

Well, I love that
Leo goes to school here,

it was great meeting the three of you,

I'm a good mom, I will see you tomorrow.

♪ ♪

Where is my son?

[light music]

[door opens]

[whispering] ♪ To the
ah tick tock get up stop ♪

♪ To the ah tick tock get up stop ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ I'm gonna knock you up ♪

Did I wait here for minutes

while you thought that up?

Tamra, today is your insemination day.

Get ready for nine whole months
of total strangers

feeling entitled to rub your stomach.

Now all we have to do
is one last ultrasound,

to make sure that your eggs

are ripe and juicy for the plucking.

You better stop.
You're being hella noony

and I don't like it.

If my child grows up
to pronounce "sensual"

sen-su-al, I'm gonna sue you.

Of course.

Tamra, you have a gorgeous uterus.

Oh, no.

Looks like there's a sesame
seed on the screen.

I had a bagel earlier.

It must have flown off in the ravaging.

That's not a sesame seed.

That's a baby.

Tamra, you're already pregnant.

[playful dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Hello, Tamra. My women's rugby team

is selling these candy bars

to help send us
to the Tokyo Olympics.

Not to play. Just to hook up.

[laughs]

Tamra, can you answer me?
I'm a human being.

Can't you see I'm reeling right now?

My poke bowl is untouched.

Ugh, everyone's
in such a bad mood these days.

Morgan, you, Sean Hannity,
the entire gay community.

Sorry, Colette,
I just have a lot on my mind.

Well, do you wanna talk about it?

I wanna talk about why you're wearing

my diva necklace.

Huh? This is mine.

Morgan gave it to me for my birthday.

I found it in his bedsheets.

♪ ♪

You know, maybe I didn't find it

in the... his sheets.

No. Maybe I found 'em in, like...

[stammers] The streets.

Anyway, uh, good luck

with your football thing or whatever.

Bye.

Bossip.

Hey, Jeremy, I have to go to

that stupid tree event at Leo's school,

so can you please bring in
the homemade snacks?

And please, please let them be good.

[door opens]

Now, for all the food restrictions,

I think I rather outdid myself.

They are meringues
in the exact same color

as the famed Japanese cherry blossom.

Oishi.

egg whites, my right hand
has gone to gnarl,

but to see the looks
on those children's faces, oh...

Jeremy, you can't come.

I'm sorry, but today is about me

and taking credit for your work.

Unless, of course, one of those
cookies gets a kid sick.

In which case,
you will probably go to jail.

[light music]

♪ ♪

[cell phone ringing]

[sighs]

Hey, Daisy, what's up?

We are so looking forward
to seeing you today.

Leo just said, "I hope she shows up"

with the cutest little worried look.

Well, you can tell him
that I will be there.

I don't wanna tell him something

- that might not be true.
- I will be there!

Oh, my God, Dr. L. I need to see you.

- It's an emergency.
- No, no, no.

I have something at my kid's school.

No, it's a medical emergency

that we need to deal with right now.

Okay, okay, let's go,
let's go, let's go.

♪ ♪

- What is it?
- I need you to act like

you're going along
with the insemination.

What? Why? You're already pregnant.

Oh, you can't get twins this way.

That only works for cats and the Irish.

I don't want twins.
Beyoncé owns that now.

I need plausible deniability.

I don't want the dad to know.
He is not father material.

Look, one day, you might be happy

that the father is involved.

Danny and I certainly have our issues,

but I'm glad he's around.
He's the only reason Leo knows

- how to toss pizza dough.
- Please, Dr. L.

You just have to trust me

that it's best for me and my baby

if the dad doesn't know.

Is it Marco Rubio?

Terrence Howard? Ron Howard?

Just stop. You'll never guess.

I'll never guess.

- It's not Rumpelstiltskin.
- It's not Rumpelstiltskin.

Okay, well, I promise you.
I will keep your secret.

Oh, thank you.

Now I gotta go to
a schoolyard and plant a tree.

Is that a euphemism
for going to the bathroom?

For once, no.

[playful dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Oh, Dr. Ledreau! Dr. Ledreau!

Is it over? Did I miss it?

Oh, yeah, everything,
and I've never seen

a more beautiful tree.

Sergio, we're out of here, bro.

[quietly] Oh, God.

Look who decided to finally show up.

You know, the kids were
starving without their snacks.

We lied and told them it was
Ramadan and we were fasting

so at least it could be
a teachable moment.

- Is that your snack?
- It is.

It's actually traditional
curly Indian bread.

That's very important

because it is both delicious
and religious.

This is a soft pretzel from
the cart on the street corner.

And it looks like
the salt has been licked off.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Hey, why are all the kids
dressed up like trees?

You were supposed to dress Leo up.

- It was in the email.
- The email?

Okay, so was a , -word
remembrance of August Wilson.

- I don't have time to read that.
- "Fences" changed my life.

Not only did you not
do a costume for your child,

you put him in a T-shirt featuring

the mortal enemy of the tree.
The beaver.

♪ ♪

- That's bad. That's awful.
- Mm-hmm.

And I am very sorry.
Just, guys, please forgive me.

I just got caught up at work.

Something really important came up.

We get it. We all have jobs.

My job is to not have a job

so that I can be there for my child,

but recently, a lot of my work

has been raising your child for you.

Exsqueeze me, bish?

I'm sorry that you're
so obsessed with my son.

Maybe it's 'cause your stupid kid

isn't giving you what you need at home.

I'm talking hugs, son.

♪ ♪

Oh, no you did not.

No. You know what? You're not worth it.

Hmm.

[all murmuring]

- Whoa!
- Look out, the tree!

[all yelp]

I wanted you to get
more involved in school,

not punch a lady and destroy a tree.

Okay, to be fair,
you never explicitly said that.

Also, I was provoked,

but you know what, she's blonde,

so you would have loved her,
probably married her,

- then divorced her.
- Annulled her,

and I wouldn't, okay?
I don't date women with kids.

- I don't need the hassle.
- Dr. Lahiri,

to be honest, I am not surprised

by seeing you in my office again.

You know, Dr. Green,
I find it interesting

that you singled out the parent of color

simply because she hits people.

I just got off the phone
with the Japanese Embassy.

They feel so dishonored
by our actions today,

they cut down the tree that we sent them

- with a sword.
- Ah, not the syrup maple.

The syrup maple? I picked that out

- at the Garden Center.
- Okay, I agree.

This is horrible.
You know what else is horrible?

Getting shoved by Daisy Anderson

- after she bullied my snacks.
- Dr. Lahiri,

we all know that you're going through

some very personal problems lately.

Is this my divorce? He's going through

- the same thing.
- Yes, and yet, Dr. Castellano

is handling it quite beautifully.

He's even found time to chaperone

our Central Park Acorn Cleanup.

Okay, yes, Danny has
been handling it very well.

He's a model parent.

You could learn from his example.

I guess it's possible
I've let my personal issues

- affect my child's life.
- The good news is

that children are resilient.

They can overcome anything.
Even absentee mothers.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's...
that's a lot.

Okay, I think you're being unfair here.

Now, Mindy and I,
we're both doctors, okay.

- Real doctors.
- I have a PhD

in interior design from RISD.

Great. That's great. Good for you.

But this woman here,
she still makes time

to make breakfast for her son
every morning

or sing him to sleep every night.

I mean, how many preschoolers
do you know

that know all the words
to Taylor Swift's "Red" album?

Mindy is a great role model to our son.

And being a good mother, it means more

than just volunteering at school,

and by the way, the parents do
an awful lot around here.

- What're we paying you to do?
- I do a lot.

Fundraising, composing newsletters.

Okay, I think we're done here.

I gotta get back to work,
and so does she.

[light music]

Hey, today was
your insemination day, right?

Sure was, and it went great.

I can already feel things
heating up down there.

- Mmm.
- Well, I got you these flowers

- to say congratulations.
- Thank you, Morgan.

This is so sweet.

You know, Sheena only got me
a copy of "Rosemary's Baby"

with a note saying, "This is
the best-case scenario."

Tam, I'm sorry about
the way I acted before.

I was just jealous of whoever

gets to share something
so special with you.

I shouldn't have said anything.

It's your business. [chuckles nervously]

Any kid would be lucky
to have you as a mom.

Morgan, I have to tell you something.

♪ ♪

That means a lot.

♪ ♪

- Should I close the door?
- both: No.

- Morgan, no.
- Happy Thursday.

- Happy Thursday.
- Yeah.

[chuckles]

♪ ♪

Bossip.

[quirky music]

Aah! Please don't hit me.

Or if you do, just hit me on the lips,

'cause they're already numb
from injectables.

Calm down, Mindy.

I'm not here to hit you.

I'm here... to apologize.

- Apologize to me?
- Mm.

Daisy, you know that
I left an acrylic in your cheek

from when I clawed you?

Yes, I... [sighs]

I'm very sorry

that I snapped at you earlier.

It's just, sometimes the pressure

of being a perfect parent
is just so great.

You know, we can't all be Ivanka Tr*mp.

I know, I'd be way in
over my head at G .

That's a video game conference, right?

Anyway...

I'm... I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too.

And I should thank you
for taking such good care

of my son when I'm not able to.

Thank you.

I think sometimes I'm just jealous

of the working moms.

I used to love my job so much.

I was a lawyer
for the Justice Department.

- What? Oh, my God.
- Mm-hmm.

Is that as cool as it is in the movies?

I mostly just helped
the Bush Administration

justify their t*rture policies.

Oh, my God. " " is my favorite show.

Did you see "Zero Dark Thirty"?

- Yeah.
- Jessica Chastain played me.

Oh, my God. She's amazing.

She blocked me on Twitter.

♪ ♪

MINDY: I'm so behind on my reality TV.

I can't remember which one
of these b*tches I hate.

- [door opens]
- Oh, thank God, Task Rabbit,

you're finally here.

Can you please get me a soda
from the fridge?

I'm too lazy to stand.

Soda's bad for you.

You should only drink alkaline water.

Danny. [gasps]

Is that a pizza from Vincenzo's
in Staten Island?

I've always wanted to try it,

but they only serve white people.

Just figured, after a stressful day

you might want some pizza.

I wanted to say that I really appreciate

what you said to Dr. Green today.

You know, it's kind of nice knowing that

you think I'm the greatest mom
in the history of the world.

I didn't say that.

But I did mean what I did say.

I don't like that Dr. Green guy.

I don't think
his glasses are prescription.

Hm. But hey.

Now that I'm going through a divorce,

can I just say? It sucks.

I'm really sorry.

Yeah, well, I thought the second time

would be easier, but nope.

Just more expensive.

Maybe I should have been a priest

like that career test said.

You do love talking to old ladies.

Butter, ketchup...

and a bra?

How am I supposed to
make a salad with this?

What? Why would you ruin

a perfectly good pizza with a salad?

How are you still alive?

I am very healthy.

This is only the second time
I've had pizza today.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, man, those racists make
a good slice of pizza.

They're not r*cist.
They're old-fashioned.

Same thing.

Mmm.

[Rayland Baxter's "Yellow Eyes"]

♪ ♪

BAXTER: ♪ There's a paperclip ♪

♪ Resting on my countertop ♪

♪ Sunday morning I forgot ♪

♪ What it's like to lose a friend ♪

♪ Yesterday how it seemed so far away ♪

♪ And I've said all I can say ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Now it's time I get to going ♪