06x06 - The Midwife's Tale

[bunniefuu]

Dr. L, I know you don't like
to talk during our commute.

It's not that I don't like to talk.

It's just that
your breath is... is very hot.

Okay, this is an urgent
professional matter.

I'm in love with someone who
does not love me back.

- How is that professional?
- Because it's affecting me

- at work?
- Okay, Morgan, a year ago,

I would have told you
to follow your heart

and to never give up, but,
honestly, since my divorce,

I have realized that romance
is a huge waste of time.

We're all gonna just
end up alone anyway.

Hey, that is not the Dr. L that I know

and love and sketch.

Well, look, the silver lining is

I haven't been with someone in a while,

and I'm perfectly content.

I think you're using
that word the wrong way.

- "Content"?
- Yeah, "content" is,

like, stuff that's in other stuff.

Like in a book.
It's the table of "contents."

No, that's "cahn-tent."

This is "content." It's a feeling.

No, that's "contempt."
That's what people feel

- for me.
- This is why

I don't like talking
to you in the morning.

I don't... Oh, my God, that man!

He's gonna jump on the tracks! Sir, sir!

- Don't do it!
- Morgan, stop!

No!

- [pants]
- Morgan, no!

I do not consent to being saved.

This is a hate crime.

Brendan Deslaurier?

Hi, Mindy.

[gasps]

[theme music]

♪ ♪

"Dear hateful world,

"I would like all my money to be b*rned,

"because capitalism is tearing us apart.

"But please reserve $ ,
for my eco-funeral,

"atop Cho-mo-lung-ma..."

- Chomolungma.
- "Known to racists

"as Mount Everest.

Regrettably white, Brendan Deslaurier."

Hey, this note sucks, dude.

I actually thought it was pretty great.

Um, what was it that finally
put you over the edge?

Was it that you realized
you're a midwife

and that's a huge scam?

Hey, look, at least you're not a doula.

Hey, doulas are
more important than firemen.

They should be paid
more than movie stars.

You think a doula should
make more than Ryan Reynolds?

- Who's Ryan Reynolds?
- "Who's Ryan Reynolds"?

- Yeah.
- "Van Wilder," "Deadpool,"

"Just Friends"!

Just put it in perspective, okay?

Morgan has literally
no reason to live, okay?

He doesn't make any money.

He doesn't have a girlfriend. He's still

- going through puberty.
- It's true.

- Every day is a struggle.
- And yet, he persists.

You really don't know Ryan Reynolds?

- Who?
- He's married to Blake Lively!

He's married to Blake Lively.
Say, "Who's Blake Lively?"

- Just... I dare you to say...
- Say, "Who's Blake Lively?"

Say it, go ahead.

It was just a cry for help, guys.

I'm depressed because
my brother's trying

to kick me out of the practice
and doesn't want

- to work with me anymore.
- Oh, God, that is horrible.

Maybe I shouldn't have stopped you.

It's just he's corporate, and he's...

he doesn't even wear underwear anymore.

He's got a bank account.

Guys, he's hooked on the white stuff.

- Cocaine?
- No, sugar.

Look, hey.

- We're gonna fix this.
- You are?

- Yeah.
- We are? Why?

Because we work in the same building,

and there is no bond stronger than that.

I thought we helped him

by not letting him k*ll himself.

He's a sick person. Come on, come on.

Fine. It's not like I have
a job or anything I have to do.

[groans] Just come on.

Ooh. There you are.

Oh, did you get coffee for all of us?

Nope, just Tamra. We have a system.

- I buy her coffee, she takes it.
- Thank you, Dr. K.

[clears throat]
Uh, can we begin, please?

Yes. Ah, I'm sorry, Melville.
I guess we should start

without Mindy. The elevator's broken.

She probably turned around
and went home.

Very well. Folks, I was alarmed to see

your expenses have skyrocketed.

- Rent alone is up %.
- Yes, well, the neighborhood

has gone through the traditional

gentrification cycle...

from Chinese immigrants to gays

to families to Chinese billionaires.

Insurance reimbursements
for your services

have gone down across the board.

Well, I guess I can't
blame Obama anymore,

so I choose to blame the media.

Well, you need to find ways
of bringing in new business.

Yeah, but how?

We make money by women having babies,

yet we're the ones
to give them birth control.

It's a terrible business model.

ANNA: Hello, Mary. How are you?

Actually, I've been meaning
to talk to you.

- You work with Jody, right?
- Mm-hmm.

What's his deal?

Well, he's a skilled doctor,
a devoted brother,

and the highest-functioning
alcoholic I've ever met.

[chuckles] So do you think...

that he would be interested in me?

- Oh! Wow, you're into Jody.
- I don't know.

Perhaps I could help to set you two up,

like a real yenta.

I've been taking a night class
in conversational Jewish.

- Oh.
- Apparently, I'm a real shiksa.

- Oy vey.
- [laughs]

What's that?

[inhales sharply]

♪ ♪

Brendan, I'm sure we can solve this.

Your brother is so sweet.
In five minutes,

you'll be hugging and kissing
like normal.

We haven't kissed in weeks.

♪ ♪

DUNCAN: What are you doing
here, Brendan?

Come to clean out your office?
Don't bother.

- I already threw everything out.
- Even my African masks?

Especially your African masks.

Duncan! You look amazing, man.

You look like a banker from the... Aah!

Hey! Don't vape in his face.

Hey, man, why do you got to be so rude?

I had an epiphany recently
after watching

a very eye-opening film.

It's called "Frozen."

The central message of "Frozen"

is that love between siblings
conquers all...

just like "Game of Thrones."

No, the point of "Frozen"
is that one sibling gets

all the attention, Brendan.

But that's all in the past.

I'm the Elsa now, bitch.

- Oh, my God!
- Hey, man,

that was inappropriate,
what you just did.

Okay, you need to apologize
to your brother,

'cause he's in a lot of pain.
Also, you need him.

Who else will tolerate your nonsense?

- Yeah.
- I'd prefer not to take advice

from a single mom
who has frosting on her neck.

How dare you? That's goat cheese.

- No, no, no, no, no!
- You're a monster!

- Don't do it.
- Let it go!

Everybody here needs to leave.

This holistic mid-whiff-ery practice

is for alpha-males only.

[scoffs] You blew it, dude.

And you're wrong, by the way.

The central message of "Frozen"

is that reindeers are
better than people!

JODY: "The whole party rose
and flung themselves on him.

"'Seize him!' they cried.
'Seize the Toad

who stole our motorcar.'"
Oh, hello, Anna.

I was just reading Colette
her afternoon story,

but "The Wind in the Willows" can wait.

Sorry to interrupt, but, Jody.

my friend Mary Hernandez...
much to my surprise...

is interested in dating you.

Dr. Hernandez?

[laughs] She is muy caliente, bro.

Hands off, Colette. This one's mine.

And I must say I'm intrigued.

Please tell her that
the feeling is mutual.

Hmm, I guess I'm quite the matchmaker.

[gasps] I can't wait to tell
my social-skills coach.

[chuckles]

Who would have thought?

Me dating a woman of my generation.

Hey, man, I'm happy for you.

But I am really worried about Toad.

Right.

"'Bind him, chain him'"...

[sighs] That accountant's meeting

has got me really worried.

How did our expenses get so high?

Well, did we really need
a $ , bread maker?

Are you kidding?
If I make one loaf of bread

every day for the next ten years,

- we're quids in, baby.
- It's time to press pause

on this Caucasian nonsense.
Sheena's in the house.

Oh, Anna, this is Sheena,
Tamra's cousin.

May I offer you some olive loaf?

I'm not here to break bread.
I'm here to spill tea.

It has come to my attention
that my Tamra's pregnant,

and she's planning
on raising it by herself.

- What?
- Mm-hmm.

Are you sure? How did you find this out?

I saw her turn down
a Bellini for brunch,

and I was like, "Hold up!

Wait a minute. This girl's preggo."

Then she told me.

Wow. This is huge.

I can't believe how much
I love office gossip.

She told me the father works here,

so I'll be going room to room
yelling at people

till I find out who!

Heavens, I think I might know who it is.

A while back,

I was on my weekly flour run
for the bread maker.

Now, midway home, with visions
of dough rising in my head,

I came upon a charming movie theater,

and there I saw Tamra approaching Jody.

"Perfectly innocent," you might think.

Wrong! They were holding hands.

Then they went into the movie
theater together

to watch Tyler Perry's
"A Very Madea Independence Day."

[gasps, shouts]

And you both know
the catchphrase from that movie.

BOTH: "Happy Furth of Jurler, Americur"?

- Mm-hmm.
- Wow, Tamra and Jody.

[gasps] It makes sense!

Remember how he brings her
coffee every morning?

- We were fools not to see it!
- Yes!

Jody did this to my Tamra. Where is he?

I'm just gonna make him
do the honorable thing

and give her all his money

and then buy me a Birkin
for my trouble. Where is he?

Sheena, let us talk to him first.

I think this might be better

coming from coworkers
than an enraged cousin.

Hmm. You better set him straight.

Otherwise, I'm coming for him.

And to quote
"A Very Madea Independence Day,"

"You play with fireworks,
you gonna get burnt!

Hallelujer!"

Hmm!

[cheerful music]

Morgan, are you really doing this?

I have no choice. We're all Brendan has.

You don't want another death
on your conscience.

Okay, just leave me out of it.

Lovely to see you all.

And you know what? I am excited
to start my morning.

- It's : p. m.
- That's right.

Everyone, I have an announcement.

We have hired Brendan Deslaurier

to be Shulman's in-house midwife.

Uh, I don't know, Morgan.
That sounds like a bad idea.

But you already announced it,
so I guess that it's settled.

[door closes]

♪ ♪

JODY: Mindy, you can't just make

decisions for the entire office...

like when you decided the theme
of the Christmas party

would be "Mindy through the years"?

Brendan Deslaurier flies in the face

of everything we stand for
in this office...

Western medicine
delivered firmly and coldly.

Guys, maybe some of our patients

will respond to his new-age BS.

And for the record, insurance
doesn't cover any of that.

So, look, I solved
our money problems, too.

- You're welcome.
- No way.

We're gonna put a stop this, missy.

You've acted very irresponsibly.

- [Anna and Jeremy scoff]
- JEREMY: Please.

I hardly think you're in a position

to give lectures on responsibility.

Yes, maybe you should consider

some of problems you've fathered.

Yes, you made the office rather pregnant

with your own drama. [clears throat]

Okay, I give up.
Welcome to the practice,

Brendan Deslaurier, 'cause apparently

what we need around here
is another weirdo.

- Jody!
- I want to thank you all

for the job.
I plan on helping you all out

more than you could possibly imagine.

See? He's a nice man.

Oh, good. We can start now...

by placing these do-nots
right where they belong.

[screams] My babies!

This is gonna be fun.

[breathlessly] Oh, my God.

What have I done?

BRENDAN: Good morning, everyone.

Dr. Reed has been kind enough to let me

- run today's morning meeting.
- Where are the chairs?

I had them recycled. They're k*lling us.

Chairs are the new cigarettes.

This is so uncomfortable.
Who even sits like this?

Really? It's called "Indian style."

- Hey.
- I actually like

sitting like this.
This is good for your core.

- Thanks, Dr. Deslaurier.
- He's not a doctor.

- [snoring]
- Wake up.

I'm sorry, but Brendan threw away

- all of my energy drinks.
- Let me cut to the chase.

I need to take over the supply closet.

I've been signing your patients up

for my Herbal Materna-tea Cleanse.

- [laughs]
- Hey, sorry, that's where

we keep our snow cone machine, so, no.

- It's not gonna happen.
- The cleanse is $ a box.

You have all the space you need.

- What?
- That's what I thought.

Meeting adjourned.

- What?
- How did he do that?

He's got to go, man.

% of my diet is sugary snacks.

Yeah, my hair got tangled
in his dream catcher.

- It gave me nightmares.
- Guys, I'm sorry.

Brendan brings in too much money,

and as you know, money talks.

This is Tr*mp's America,
and we're just living in it...

- [sighs]
- And normalizing it.

- Help me out.
- [snoring]

- Hey, wake up.
- [grunts]

JEREMY: Mindy, turn off "Family Guy."

You've seen them all.
We have something to tell you.

- Hey!
- Cousin Sheena came to

the office and told us...

- that Tamra's pregnant.
- Well...

as Tamra's doctor, I can neither confirm

nor deny that for HIPPO reasons.

You mean HIPAA?

Uh, I'm pretty sure it's HIPPO,

because everyone's hungry-hungry

- for medical secrets.
- Well, we don't need

your confirmation,
because I found this book

on Tamra's desk... "Family Affair:

The Mary J. Blige Guide
to a No-Drama Pregnancy"!

Okay, well, I won't dispute it.

That is an amazing book.
It teaches you how

to stop your baby from holler-ating.

- Oh, cool.
- So it's true.

- She really is pregnant.
- Ah.

Okay, this is none of your business.

It is our business
because Jody's the father.

- [giggles]
- And I'm their supervisor.

Wait, what? Jody's the father?

I thought STDs had
left him sterile years ago.

We have evidence. Tell her, Jeremy.

It was the hottest day of summer.

I was carrying pounds of flour.

No, skip that part, babe.

I saw Jody and Tamra on a date together,

holding hands. They must be having

- a clandestine affair.
- [chuckles smugly]

Okay, well, even if that's
true, Tamra is an adult woman,

and if she wants
to raise a baby on her own,

she can raise a baby on her own, okay?

I don't have a man in my life,
and Leo is thriving.

He knows the alphabet better than me.

Well, Jody should at least
contribute financially.

He's so rich. Didn't he just commission

a portrait of himself
standing over a treasure chest?

Yes, I think the painter

really captured the feeling I had

when I found
that treasure chest... happiness.

I was supposed to be
in the painting, too,

but I'm too squirmy, and
the painter asked me to leave.

To me, the best art is just

a woman breastfeeding in public.

ANNA: Jody...

we know what you did,
and we are not okay with it.

We know you're the father
of Tamra's child.

- What?
- What? Tamra's pregnant?

I never slept with Tamra.

You guys, I really don't think
it's Jody. Trust me.

JEREMY: Well, there's only
one way to find out then.

[snaps fingers] To phlebotomy!

One second. It seemed you wanted

to say something but held back.

What are you guys all doing in here?

Tamra, we've heard a pretty
shocking rumor about you,

and we would like you
to confirm if it's true.

Okay, fine.

In my "no makeup" Instagram posts,

I secretly have on hella makeup.

- MINDY: [gasps]
- What?

#NaturalBeauty?

No, not that.

No, we're referring to
something more... personal.

Okay, Tamra, as your doctor,

you do not need to tell them anything.

You know what?
I'm not gonna tell them either,

- because of HIPPO.
- We think Jody's the father

- of your baby!
- [stammers]

What? No, no, no, no, no.

Dr. K didn't impregnate me. Ew.

Well, don't say "ew." I'm handsome.

Yeah, you can say that again.

But I saw you two going on a date

to that Madea movie.
You were holding hands.

- Whoa, what?
- No, no, that wasn't a date.

Dr. K loves Madea movies,
and when he goes

to see them alone, everyone
just thinks he's a cop.

I want the rest of the audience

to feel comfortable laughing
at the evil white villain.

Now, we were just there
enjoying the work

of Georgia's own Tyler Perry
and that wonderful actress

- who plays Madea.
- Yeah, and at the end

of the movie, she taught us all
that the true meaning

of America is going to church
with your family.

Wait, so, if Jody's not the father,

- then who is?
- Anna, you're such a gossip.

- Get off her jock.
- It's okay, Dr. L.

It's really no one's business,

but since everyone's so curious,

- yeah, I'm pregnant.
- [gasps]

And... I used a sperm donor.

Thank you. I'm sure I have many children

out there somewhere,
but this is not one of them.

That's wonderful.
We're so happy for you.

Me too. [whispering] I was hoping

- for better gossip.
- Yeah, didn't we all?

- You're really pregnant?
- Yeah.

[both chuckle happily]

I'm so happy for you.

Oh, you see, Colette? Don't worry.

Tamra just told Morgan he's the father.

No, I didn't.

[dramatic music]

Am I the father?

- Kind of.
- [all gasp]

♪ ♪

- Oh, my God!
- [all shouting]

And then when I d*ed,

an angel came up to me, and he said...

that Tamra and I had sired a child...

and that he would be king of the world.

Oh, please. You bonked your head

for, like, ten seconds.
You were barely out long enough

for us to go through your pockets.

I'm sorry about
not telling you, Morgan...

not because you have
a right to know as a man...

#MyBodyMyRules...

but because you're a good guy

who could make a sort of okay dad.

A lot of unplanned pregnancies

- for an OB-GYN clinic.
- It happens!

Here we go.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

[touching music]

Tamra, I don't have a lot of money

or a formal education

or a casual education...

and I have feet that smell so bad,

my podiatrist quit the business.

But the one thing
that I know that works...

is my heart.

And it beats for you
and that unborn child,

and I will always love both of you.

♪ ♪

Will you marry me?

Wow. That was hella heartfelt.

I know, I know.

But this is all happening a little fast.

I need some time to think.

Yes. Oh, definitely.

Think about it, think about it. Yes!

- In your face!
- Why?

She didn't say no. I have never been

- more cahn-tent.
- [laughs]

Did you hear?

Dr. Kimball-Kinney got Tamra pregnant.

Can you even? No, you can't.

Oh, no, she's gonna gain so much weight.

Someone else might win
"Skinniest Nurse" this year.

Wait, are you two talking
about Jody Kimball-Kinney?

I'm sorry, Dr. Hernandez.
This is a private conversation

spoken very loudly... but, yes.
Tell everyone.

[whimsical music]

Thank you, everyone, for joining me

in the courtyard.
This is a huge decision,

so I want to make as a big
of a production of it

- as possible.
- Can we please do this inside?

My shoes are very expensive,

and there is rat feces everywhere.

So I talked to my family
last night about Morgan,

and they all unanimously said,
"Hell, no, he's a Shrek."

But they don't know him
like you guys do,

so what do y'all think?

I think you should make
whatever decision

produces the least carbon.

I say you should be with Morgan.

He'll be obsessed with you forever,

just like my high-school drama teacher.

He still writes me letters from prison.

Look, Tamra, this whole thing started

because you told me you wanted
to have a kid by yourself.

We all love Morgan, but you
don't have to be with him

just because he offered.

It's very easy for us to tell you

to do the romantic thing.

It is way, way harder for you

to live with the consequences
of that decision.

- Yeah.
- Oh!

- There you all are.
- Morgan...

- I don't have an answer yet.
- I know you haven't.

And that's because I did not
give you the proposal

that you deserve, but now...

I got something special.
It's Grandmother's.

And I went to her, and I said,

"I have met the future
Mrs. Morgan Tookers."

And she looked at me and said,

[harsh voice] "Shut up!

I'm watching 'Hannity'!"

Tamra Brandy Monica Webb...

will you make me the happ... ah!

[all screaming]

[playful music]

And when I d*ed...

I was in this special place...
and you were there.

JEREMY: Mm. - And you were there.

- Oh, that's nice.
- And you were there.

We were having group sex.

- Come on. No.
- What? Whoa.

We were. We recorded it.

- Yeah, well...
- That's my Jell-o.

Nope, I brought it from home.

It says "Luke Presbyterian."

Morgan, I tried on the ring.

And I like the way it fits.

[uplifting music]

But more importantly,
I like the way it feels.

Does that mean you're gonna say yes?

- Yes. [laughs]
- [gasps]

But if we're at a really cool party,

I reserve the right to pretend
like I don't know you.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

♪ ♪

Hello, Mary. A few days ago,

a little bird told me that
you were interested

in me romantically.

But I haven't heard anything since.

I just... I heard about you
and Tamra's baby.

Oh, well, that was just a rumor.

Morgan the nurse is the father.

Well, I know that now,

but before I knew the truth
about you and Tamra,

I asked around about you.

- Asked men?
- Asked women.

- Oh, no.
- You've slept

with half the women in this hospital,

and the advice they gave me... run.

Well, I have changed.

I wouldn't have even wanted to date

a woman your age before.

I am instinctively
taking off my earrings...

[New York accent] And you are
gonna want to be gone

by the time I'm done.

♪ ♪

- Aah!
- What are you doing?

Uh... this is not my cheesesteak.

I think it belongs to the cleaning lady.

And you know what?
I'm gonna fire her right now.

Okay, you know what? It's okay.

You're too far gone anyway.

Listen, I just came to tell you that...

- I'm leaving the practice.
- Honestly, I think

- that's for the best.
- Well, this is an incredibly

dysfunctional and close-minded office.

It represents everything that Jill Stein

and Jill Soloway fought against.

But before I depart, I...

I want to express my gratitude.

- Huh?
- Oddly, as toxic

as this work situation was,

it did give me the strength
to strike out on my own

without my brother.

Turns out, I'm not Elsa after all.

- I am Moana.
- Okay, well, see you!

There is something else
I wanted to discuss with you.

I was pleasantly surprised

by the levelheaded advice
you gave to Tamra.

You've grown since we were
lovers, but at the same time,

your practicality made me a little sad.

The Mindy that I knew and loved
had such a romantic spirit,

and I hope you don't let that die out.

I did get you something.

This is an Ayurvedic love crystal,

and it's for keeping
the romantic spirit alive.

So, even as you grow older

and clearly march towards diabetes,

let that be a reminder
to keep your heart open

to the possibility of love,

no matter how remote the chance may be.

That was mildly insulting
throughout, but... thank you.

And for what it's worth, I'm
glad you didn't k*ll yourself,

which is more than I can say

for % of the men that I've dated.

Well, it didn't work out
for us in this one, but...

hopefully I'll see you in the next life.

Until then, I'll just say...

namaste.

[peaceful piano music]

[Beyoncé's "Sandcastles"]

MINDY: And so,
as Brendan Deslaurier left

my office, presumably forever,

I wondered, "Was he worth knowing?"

The thing with people is, you never know

who's going to make
a lasting impact on you.

♪ ♪

BEYONCE: ♪ We built sandcastles ♪

MINDY: The most annoying person
you've ever met

could end up changing your life forever.

♪ ♪

Someone you've known for a long time,

you could've misjudged.

BEYONCE: ♪ Don't work out that way ♪

MINDY: So, for now,
I guess I'll say... yes.

BEYONCE: ♪ And your heart is broken ♪

♪ 'Cause I walked away ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

- ♪ And I know I promised ♪
- CHORUS: ♪ Promised ♪

♪ That I couldn't stay, baby ♪

♪ Every promise ♪

♪ Don't work out that way ♪

♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ Every promise ♪

♪ Don't work out that way ♪