11x02 - Worms of In-rear-ment

[bunniefuu]

GENE: Oh, look!

There's a string of pasta hanging out of my mouth.

Anybody want to meet in the middle of this thing?

No! Gene, I can't keep meeting you in the middle of spaghetti.

We got to get through dinner.

We're going to the symphony tonight.

- TINA: Yay.
- (Bob groans)

I-I mean, uh, I'm excited to go.

Hey, it's their one free concert night.

If we miss it, we'd have to pay to go, and we're not doing that.

I still don't understand why we're doing this at all.

The symphony? Us?

It's like giving a monkey a monocle.

Yeah, we're more like those monkeys that wear sunglasses and ride motorcycles and give people the finger.

We are not those types of monkeys, and we are going to the symphony.

I told you, I was at the vag*na-cologist, in the waiting room, reading that parenting magazine,

Modern Swaddlin', and it said you're supposed to play classical music for babies to stimulate their brains and stuff.

We never exposed you to any classical music when you were babies.

Just a bunch of Billy Joel.

You have baby Billy Joel brains.

But you did expose us to a lot of your "uptown girls."

- Bosoms.
- Also, we're not babies anymore.

And by the way, I turned out perfect.

And then there's Gene and Tina, who are doing their best.

Hi. Wait, what?

Oh, really? May I remind you all

of your report cards from last week?

No, you may not. Sorry, you can.

Cs and Ds. A lot of Cs and Ds in there. I don't like it.

Well, how are we supposed to concentrate at school anyway?

We're in the middle of a pinworm epidemic.

There are pinworms crawling through kids' stomachs, laying eggs in their anuses, and I'm supposed to be able to think about what two plus two equals?!

Wait, is that what you're being taught in math right now?

Butt worms, Dad!

That's what I'm being taught!

And it's itchy, and kids start scratching and spread the eggs everywhere!

- Gross.
- Yeah.

I mean, children are basically disgusting.

I know! Why did you have any?

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Well, hopefully everyone paid attention to Mr. Frond's fun and informative and slightly provocative hand-washing assembly.

Hello, Right Hand.

Would you like to take a shower with me?

(high-pitched): I would love to, Left Hand, but my cousin is in town visiting.

Can I bring him? His name is Soap.

(normal voice): He's more than welcome.

I think we're all gonna get along just fine.

- It was hot.
- So, let's get to it, kids.

Come on, wash them if you got them.

No worms are hitching a ride in these cabooses.

It's not "cabooses," it's "cabeese."

Okay, after the hand-washing, everybody go get ready real fast.

Symphony attire.

That means no exposed midriffs.

- Gene, I'm talking to you.
- Damn it.

Wheels up in minutes, people!

I don't know what that means, but I heard it on TV, and I like the sound of it. Holy moly!

Did this get even bigger while I was making dinner?

Yeah, TV will be less fun now that we can't see it anymore.

What happened? Did you mess it up?

Kids, you know you can't leave this thing here forever, right?

This is our living room.

But was this room really living, hmm?

- What is it again?
- Um, it's a hamster slide, obviously.

But we don't have a hamster.

Well, we didn't really need one before the slide.

I mean, I don't think hamsters are supposed to go down slides.

- Especially like that.
- Oh, excuse us, Jane Goodall.

Couldn't you just, like, roll a marble down it?

That would still be fun, right?

- He really just doesn't get it.
- I know.

Also, it's not even finished yet.

Our loop de loop needs more loop.

- Don't we all.
- Let's get loopy!

No! No more hamster slide!

- Go get ready, move!
- (kids grumbling)

(singsongy): Symphony!

Hmm, what are we after here?

Something nice but not too flashy.

No need for Glamor Tina.

Unless... what if there's a handsome -year-old prodigy up on stage?

And our eyes meet, and he says, "I sure could use some help warming up my lips to play this oboe."

And I go up there and warm up his lips, and the audience is like, "Oboe, you didn't." (chuckles)

Ooh, this is perfect.

Hmm, looks a little small.

Boy, I am growing like a weed.

Hey, what do you think of my symphony voice?

(bad British accent):
Hello, pardon me, good man, but can you point me towards the nearest hot dog?

Who said that? Where did Gene go?

Hey, come hold this while I tape.

So, that's your symphony attire?

Yeah, everyone wears a bolo tie to the symphony. cr*ck a book.

- Bob, you look fine, come on.
- BOB: No!

We can't keep looking for your dress shoes.

- We got to go.
- But these clogs look stupid.

And the whole symphony's gonna laugh at me.

Maybe the trombone player will just make a sad trombone sound.

That's what I'm worried about.

Tina, you ready? We got to get going soon.

TINA: Cool, cool, cool.

Um... so...

I may have outgrown this dress.

Or the dress fits great and it's just that your arm fell off and your boobs got weird.

- (all grunting)
- TINA: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow!

- You know what, I think it's fine.
- It is?

Yeah, you-you-you... you can barely notice.

I honestly didn't notice until you pointed it out.

Yeah, and it makes my clogs seem normal.

- What?
- Um, nothing.

Okay, let's rock. We're gonna be early.

Nothing's gonna stop us now, baby.

(grunts) Itchy.

(singsongy): Going to the symphony.

It's really happening.

Do you guys already feel a little stimulated?

My arm is tingling a bit.

- (grunts) Itchy!
- Gene, what is it?

(dramatic symphony music playing)

(distorted): Gene?

♪ ♪

No... !

Pinworms... !

You know what, I'm gonna just...

(grunting)

Ah.

LINDA: So we really think

Gene got the pinwheels?

Um, I think it's pinworms.

Right, right, pinworms, yeah.

He has all the signs, Mom...

The itching, the crazy look in his eye, like a boy whose butt is possessed.

But I thought you guys were washing your hands, like, all the time.

It's Gene, Dad.

He's not a clean child.

Remember that week we thought he had a sunburn, but it was really hot wing sauce all over the back of his neck?

- Mm.
- For three days.

GENE: Guys! Are you coming back?

Or should I come there or... ?

- BOB AND TINA: No! - LINDA: No, baby, it's okay. - LOUISE: No! No! No!

You just sit tight, buddy, you're doing great!

I say we leave out of the fire escape.

Find a new house, find a new Gene, never look back.

- Yeah, maybe.
- Bob!

Sorry. I mean, poor Gene.

Uh, I'm gonna look up what to do.

Oh, God, do you think Gene touched the laptop with his pinworm fingers?

- Or just put his bare butt on it?
- What?

You think he put his bare butt on it?

Dad, it's best to start with where Gene hasn't put his bare butt.

- The ceiling?
- I wouldn't rule it out.

(gasps) Oh, no.

Our hamster slide... You touched our hamster slide

- with your butt fingers!
- Damn it, Gene!

Oh, my God, uh, forget the hamster slide.

What about the fact that we work in a restaurant?

Dad, can we please stay focused on what's important right now?

For once in your life!

(sighs) Oh, okay, I'm gonna go online.

There won't be any horrible images when I type in "pinworms," right?

GENE: I'm sorry! I don't know how it happened. I washed my hands a lot.

Even though it went against everything I believe in.

It's okay, the slide will be okay.

Dad will get medicine, and we'll just... we'll crush it into a powder, and we'll make a mist and spray it on the slide, right?!

Louise, calm down.

Also, for the record, the hamster slide is not a permanent fixture in our house.

KIDS: Yes, it is!

(Gene grunting)

Okay, uh, I-I saw some things, um...

I am not the same person I used to be, and I washed my hands in the hottest water I've ever washed them in.

And it really hurt.

But the good news is it looks like I can go pick up some over-the-counter medicine at the pharmacy.

Does-does anyone want to trade eyes with me?

Wait, you're going now?
But we'll be late for the symphony.

Linda, we can't go to the symphony.

Yeah, Mom, didn't you hear? Gene has butt worms.

In his butt!

I mean, we don't know for sure that it's pinworms.

Maybe Gene just needs to wipe better.

Better or with more passion?

- Both.
- Though, if I had pinworms, it would explain the pinworms I saw in my poop the other day.

- BOB AND LINDA: Oh, Gene!
- TINA AND LOUISE: Gene!

What? I thought it was rice, but now I'm like, does rice wiggle?

- (Bob groans)
- Mom, we need to forget about the symphony and just start burning everything

Gene's touched... his clothes, his sheets, his room.

The whole house to be safe, honestly.

No! Not tonight!

We're going out!

We're going to see the symphony!

ALL: Whoa.

Look, we'll just get some big mittens and tape them to Gene's hands so he can't scratch and spread it everywhere, that's all.

It sort of changes the silhouette

I was going for with my outfit, but okay.

But, uh, Linda, uh, he'll, he'll be doing that, right, at-at the symphony.

He'll just, uh, he'll look like he's excited.

- Excited for music.
- Okay, look, we-we still have, like, minutes before we really have to leave, right?

Barely, yeah.

So I'll run around the corner, pick up some medicine real quick, and be back in time to try and talk you out of this.

Fine, go. I'm gonna go look for mittens.

Hopefully find some that say "I don't have worms, and also my mom is a great mom."

Ugh. I'm gonna go take, like, eight showers.

Gene, don't touch anything, and if you have to scratch,

- just do it over the clothes, okay?
- Yes, Father. Before you leave, can you just scatter some Legos on the rug? (grunts)

No, that wouldn't be fair to the Legos.

Also, maybe don't leave this room or general area at all?

- Stay, boy, stay.
- I'm a human being!

Don't leave me alone with him! I-I mean, hey, fella.

- Tina?
- Yeah?

- Can you do me a favor?
- What?

Will you go to the kitchen for me?

I need something to scratch my butt with.

The rug's not pointy enough, and my cute little chubby fingers aren't cutting it.

And I'm not supposed to move.

Uh... okay.

Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh.

Aah, worms!

Oh, okay, no, that's spaghetti.

- (grunts)
- Uh, here.

Thank you. (grunts)

- Uh...
- (Gene grunting)

- Tina, just hand it to me!
- Here!

- Ow!
- Sorry.

(grunts) Ah.

You know, I think I remember how it happened.

Oh, yeah? How?

It was a sunny day, not too long ago.

I was washing my hands like a good little boy, and then out of my pocket falls a tater tot from the cafeteria.

I must've had a hole in my shorts.

- I have questions, but okay.
- So I go to pick it up

- to eat it.
- To throw it away, yeah.

- Oh, okay.
- And who comes out of the stall but one Peter Pescadero.

And he leans over, picks up my tater tot and says...

This your tater tot, Gene?

And before I know it, I've popped it into my mouth.

And it was delicious!

Oh, Gene, no.

Peter was trying to be nice, but he was fresh off the pot and got worms on my tot!

Wait, Gene, was that the day you were coming out of the boys' bathroom right as I was going into the girls' bathroom, and we said "bathroom buddies" and high-fived?

I think it was.

That was such a great moment for us.

Tell me you washed your hand after you touched that tater tot, Gene!

Why would I ever wash tater tot off of me?

No! Aah!

Oh, God, I think I feel them!

What, you already feel them?

I don't know how it works, Gene!

Just g-give me that thing!

(grunts) Ah, ah, ah.

That's the stuff.

Pinworm medicine and gum, huh?

Uh, yep.

What's the gum for?

Um... chewing?

Okay, just as long as you're not gonna stick it down there in your situation, trying to catch those worms, you know?

What? No. Oh, no. God, no.

Well, full disclosure, sir, you wouldn't be the first.

I'm... gonna go.

Okay, then.

Okay, I got the medicine.

W-Wait. What-What's... what's happening?

It's not good, Dad.

- The worms got Tina.
- (Linda grunts)

- Oh, no. They did?
- We don't know that.

It's probably just her brain thinking she has 'em and being all spycho-spaztastic.

Psychosomatic?

- What?
- It's real!

They're having a field day down there, man!

Why is our spaghetti server thingy in here?

Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to, Dad.

Oh, come on. I like that thing.

- I'm gonna miss it.
- It has a greater purpose now.

Anyway, it's time to go to the symphony!

We can do the medicine in the car.

Here we go, everybody!

- Linda, no.
- It's fine, it's fine.

Shush, shush, shush, shush, shush, shush.

Hey, Dad, on the bright side,

I saw your dress shoes in the bathroom.

Really? Wh-Wh-What were they doing in there?

Maybe they needed to poop, Dad! I don't know!

- Okay.
- (grunting) Damn it!

Mom, can you tape the spaghetti spoon to my mitten, please?

Don't you think that would look a little silly?

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Aah!

They... they were behind the tub.

- That's so weird.
- Wait!

Dad, drop those shoes!

Why? W-W-W-Why? Why?
Why are you saying that?

I may have been playing Bottomless Businessman after a shower the other day.

You know, no pants, making deals, mergers, acquisitions.

BOB: Okay, okay, I got it.

Which I call mergies and acquizoozies.

Gene, what does this have to do with my shoes?

I wear your dress shoes when I'm playing Bottomless Businessman.

That's the "businessman" part.

And also, I might have scratched some stuff.

Oh, God. I touched my mustache!

I touched the shoes, and then I touched my mustache,

'cause I thought there was stuff in it 'cause there always is, and I-I-I... I think I touched my mouth, too. Ugh!

- Ugh!
- Well, that's great.

That's just great. Now you all have pinworms.

I don't have any pinworms.

Really? You don't think there's any chance

Gene gave you pinworms?

- ♪
♪
- (both munching)

(both making kissing sounds)

- No, I love you more.
- No, I love you more.

- No, I love you more.
- No, I love you more.

I love you.

Okay, Gene probably gave me worms.

Louise, where are you going?

-Nowhere.
-Louise, come on. We got to leave.

Not me. Not in a car, trapped, with all of you... and your worms.

Louise, symphony!

(screams)

(panting) Stay away from me, worm woman!

I'm not gonna give you worms!

I just want to give you... culture!

- Damn it!
- I am exposing you kids to classical music if it's the last thing I do before these butt worms eat my whole body!

Bob, Tina, Gene, block the stairs in case she gets past me and tries to go outside.

BOB: Oh, God, I feel itchy.

Do I already have them?
It feels like I do.

- I don't like this!
- TINA: Grow up, Dad!

Yeah, grow up, Bob, and block the stairs!

- (Linda straining)
- Okay, fine!

(Bob whimpers)

Here's Mommy! Huh?

(singsongy): Louise?

Where are you, baby?

My little Louisey Peasy Over Easy?

Where are you, sweetie?

Gene, you're grounded.

I-I know I shouldn't ground you for getting sick, but I want to.

Uh-huh. Hey, can you take those sweet little fingers of yours and just give me a quick scratch?

- No!
- Well, then untape us, you monster!

- Uh, I don't know.
- Come on, Dad.

We have the right to scratch our butts like every other citizen.

But your mom's really scary right now, and if I untape you,

I-I don't know what she'll do to me.

- (Gene grunts)
- I hope your worms are hungry.

- Tina!
- Oh, too much? Sorry.

(singsongy): Louise?

It's okay. You don't need to be scared.

You under here? Where are ya?

- (Louise yells)
- Oh, my face!

Oh, stupid blanket! Louise?!

W-Where'd Louise go?

- Oh, I-I... I don't know.
- You didn't see her?!

We've got a lot going on, Mom.

- Oh, calm down, Tina.
- You calm down.

Louise always talked about wanting to see Machu Picchu.

- Maybe check there?
- Aah!

Where are you, Louise? Mama needs this.

♪ One thing I've always wanted since I was very small ♪

♪ Was to be the best damn mommy ♪

♪ The bestest of 'em all ♪

♪ I'd be loving, I'd be kind, but also fair and firm ♪

♪ But now their report cards are full of Ds ♪

♪ And their butts are full of worms! ♪

♪ Oh, I'm a bad, bad mom, and it was my favorite job ♪

♪ And I'm gonna scratch my bottom right now ♪

♪ What if we all scratched our butts ♪

♪ Against each other's butts? ♪

♪ No, that's stupid, okay, maybe not ♪

♪ If only I had taken them to the symphony ♪

♪ When they were still young ♪

♪ They'd be getting all straight As ♪

♪ And be so clean between their buns ♪

♪ Oh, I'm a bad, bad mom, and it was my favorite job ♪

♪ And I'm gonna scratch my bottom right now. ♪

What? Ah, boy.

Louise? You out there?

Louise? What the... ?

- What the hell's this?
- Ugh!

I couldn't get the fire escape ladder to work because of my tiny arms, so I made a rope out of paper towel.

Okay.

You were supposed to think I used it to climb down, and then you'd totally freak out and probably faint, like, "Wha-uh," and I'd have time to jump in the window and run out the front door.

But it's so short, and it's paper towel.

- It was a good plan!
- Come on.

We still have time to see the second half of the show

- if we hurry.
- (sighs) Fine. Fine!

Just give me some space, Wonder Wormon.

Okay, okay.

That's a girl.

Now we're all gonna go to the symphony and have a good time and soak it up into our brains. Right?

You know, you're right. It'll be fun.

And maybe pinworms aren't so bad.

I mean, they're probably more scared of our butts than our butts are scared of them, right?

(laughs) Oh, my God, raccoons.

Are they having a... dance-off?

What? Where?

- (grunting)
- Damn it, Louise!

(both screaming)

Crap, crap, crap.

Hello, there. (grunts)

You're trapped, Louise.
There's nowhere to run.

(grunting)

- No. No!
- Just give in, Louise.

You don't want to be the one weirdo in the family who doesn't have worms, do you?

It helps to pretend they're not worms, they're butterflies.

It-it... I don't know, it's just my process.

Butt-er-flies.

Oh, yeah, I didn't even think of that.

Uh, Linda, I have to say,

- you look really athletic right now.
- Thanks.

There's some pee coming out.

Okay, a lot of pee. Oh, God.

Uh-huh. Also, maybe, uh, we should think about

- everybody taking the medicine.
- Not now, Bob!

- Right, sorry.
- Oh... so dizzy. Ah.

Not me. I could run in tiny circles like this forever and don't need to throw up at all.

Whoa!

KIDS: No!

Is the hamster okay?!
Is the hamster okay?!

Oh, right. We don't have a hamster.

You k*lled it! You k*lled our beautiful hamster slide, the only thing I've ever loved.

You were so jealous of it, you had to destroy it.

Isn't that right, Mother?!

Kids, shush. Linda, are you okay?

Linda? Lin?

Oh, my God, the slide's dead and Mom's dead?

And I've got butt worms? What the hell?!

I'm not dead. I'm just sad.

(sighs): Linda, it's okay.

It's... sorry, kids... just a bunch of toilet paper rolls.

- (kids gasp)
- Dad, come here.

Mm-mm.

Okay, I'm gonna slap your leg.

- Ow.
- Yeah.

Lin, are you... are you gonna get off the floor?

- No.
- Okay.

I'm a bad mom. And I'm tired.

And I think I pulled my boob muscle.

And my butt itches.

You're not a bad mom, Lin.

- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.

Kids, tell your mom that she's a good mom.

Yeah, maybe ask me later when my life's work isn't laying shattered before my eyes.

I love you, Mom, but I'm still pressing charges.

You're going away for a long time!

I'm gonna miss you so damn much!

Maybe Mom didn't do this.

Maybe the worms were controlling her.

God, what are my worms gonna make me do?

- Get rid of your bangs?
- Oh, no.

Okay, we're-we're getting off topic here.

Why don't we just all take the medicine and then go to the symphony?

Even though I still think that's a really terrible idea.

Not-not the medicine.

The medicine we should've done, like, right away.

Not-not that you're a bad mom for chasing Louise like a crazy person around the house instead of... taking the medi-medicine.

If... It doesn't matter.

LINDA: We're not gonna make it to the symphony.

I failed you kids.

If you grow up dumb, it's my fault.

I mean, it's not like Dad brought a ton to the table.

A distinct odor?

Okay, thank you.

Lin, our kids are mean. To me right now.

But they turned out pretty good.

We're not saying they didn't turn out pretty good, right?

LINDA: They're still young.
It could go either way.

Well, I just don't think you should feel so bad.

Look at this weird, elaborate thing they made out of toilet paper rolls.

It's a hamster slide.
We've said it, like, a thousand times.

Shush. Normal, dumb, unstimulated kids wouldn't build something like this, would they?

We've got the brains and the looks.

- And the body.
- And the worms.

Not to mention, we're wonderful. Just in general.

LINDA: You are wonderful.
The best three kids I know.

Better than Hanson? Wow.

Yeah. And we made them this way, parenting them really, eh, pretty well.

And, yes, two out of three of 'em probably have pinworms right now, but so do we, probably.

I mean, I know I do.

'Cause look at the way I'm clenching my butt.

Yeah, I guess it was a pretty cool toilet paper thingy, huh?

- Hamster slide.
- That you crushed.

Sorry. Ah, maybe something we're doing is working, I guess. Right?

You know, it's almost like the report cards are the idiots, huh? (laughs) Yeah?

Yeah. You're right.

Just 'cause we don't do our homework or study for tests or pay attention, that's our fault?

Exactly what I used to say about me.

Okay, now I'm starting to worry we are bad parents.

Shh, shh, shh, Dad, we're helping Mom.

Aw, come here, guys. Family hug.

Ew, no. You all have worms.

- Don't touch me.
- Right, right, right.

Okay, okay. Wormy Belchers, get in here.

(all moaning)

LINDA: Gotcha. I love yous.

Oh, God, that's so nasty.

Okay, down the hatch, everybody.

(coughs): Oh, yeah, if you punks gave me worms, those worms are definitely not gonna like this.

Wait, this doesn't k*ll k*ll them, does it?

It's just a strong warning for them

- to clean up their act, right?
- No, yeah, yeah.

Hey, guys, guess what we have in the basement.

- A dark secret?
- No. Better.

A bunch of cardboard.

Maybe we can bring that up and rebuild the hamster slide, bigger than ever?

Ooh, and we could make a hamster office park next door to the slide, and maybe the hamster's boss is a fun-loving bottomless businessman who works hard and plays harder.

We're gonna need more hamsters.

We're not getting hamsters.

Uh, I'm gonna buy a marble, and you guys are gonna be

- really surprised at how fun it is.
- Ah.

Marble would be a great name for one of the hamsters.

- Or Tiffany.
- I'm going to the symphony.

- Bye.
- OTHERS: Bye.

Bring back a hamster.

- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh ♪

♪ Butt worms ♪

♪ Doodley-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

LINDA: Oh, it's itchy.

- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh ♪

♪ Butt worms ♪

♪ Doodley-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Scratchin' and you're tushin', a tushie and a scratchy ♪

♪ A wormy in your tushie, sent your tushies in a-scratchin' ♪

♪ Scratch-Scratch-Scratcha ♪

♪ Itchy, itchy, itchy ♪

Who invited you worms into my butt, anyway?

- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh ♪

- ♪ Butt worms ♪
- ♪ Doodley-ooh. ♪