32x02 - I, Carumbus

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪


BART: Mm. Hmm.

So Ionic.

(YAWNS)

If I wanted to be bored on a Saturday, I would have signed up for that management training program at work.

At least there I know where the good toilets are.

Wait, what training program?

Oh, it's some dumb career development thing at the plant, so you can become a manager and have more responsibility. (LAUGHS)

Who needs that trap?

But we could really use more money.

You've had the same entry-level job your whole career.

Hey, don't knock entry level, Marge.

At least I don't have to wear long-sleeve shirts, go to webinars and supervise a bunch of entry-level losers, with their short-sleeve shirts.

Homer, I can't be the only one in this family who wants more for us.

(GASPS) I want more.

I just don't want to do anything to earn it.

For once in your life, would it k*ll you to show a little ambition?

- (HUFFS)
- (HUFFS)

Ah, ambition is indeed a timeless source of conflict.

(GASPS) A lost senior.

(ENUNCIATING): Where is your family?

As a matter of fact, I just curated an exhibit about a Roman family torn asunder by the hunger for more.

The life of Obeseus the Wide.

Ooh, maybe an historical allegory could help us work out our issues.

Once again, bickering in public gets us free therapy from strangers.

Bickering most tragic.

For ambition was the force that built the Roman empire and that which tore it apart.

Obeseus was born to a poor farmer

with much land, but no ox to plow it.

So he improvised.

Life on the farm was cruel.

But it chiseled young Obeseus into quite

the Italian beefcake.

Good news, plow son.

We finally got enough money to buy us an ox.

Woo-hoo! How'd you do that, father?

I sold you into sl*very.

- Arrivederci, sucker.
- (GRUNTS)

CURATOR: A frightened Obeseus

and his new work friends

were taken to Rome.

The boys had never seen anything like it... the crowds,

the noise, the grand scale

of the p*rn graffiti.

But the worst was yet to come.

Gentlemen, today you have the honor of being hacked to death on the field of battle.

Us? But we're not gladiators.

Not with that attitude.

Remember, there are no small wounds, only small victims.

(WHIMPERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Hailing from Germania, he's the Saxon who's always axe-in'...

Wolfus rein!

(CHEERING)

And in the shaking tunic, hailing from who knows, nobody cares... that guy.

(BOOING)

- (WHIMPERING)
- (GROWLING)

Someone's in here.

(GRUNTS)

Aah!

CURATOR: Obeseus didn't know much,

but he knew how to be an ox.

(OBESEUS BELLOWS)

- (GRUNTING)
- (GROANING)

Juno, mother of Apollo.

All right, pal, should we call it a tie?

A-aah!

(CHEERING)

All hail our new champion, Mr. Plow himself, Obeseus!

- Yeah!
- (CHEERING)

Oh...

That chiseled bumpkin just k*lled my prized psychopath.

Feed him to the hippos.

No, father, look how the crowd loves him.

That hunky rube could put a lot of togas in the seats.

Majora, you have quite the mind for the family business.

The man-ox will live to fight another day.

(LOWING)

Mm.

CURATOR: Obeseus' fame grew

as he rose through the gladiatorial ranks.

Women wanted him

and men wanted to be k*lled by him.

(CHEERING)

But still he yearned for that

which he longed for.

MAJORA: Eye... Heart... U!

Oh...

(SIGHS) You guys think we'll ever be free again?

(SCOFFS) The only way we're leaving this place is carried out in chunks.

Uh, don't mind me, fellas.

Another clog in the chunk chute.
(CHUCKLES)

They got to start cutting you guys into smaller pieces.

Let us make a sacred pact before the gods.

If one of us ever gets free, he'll do everything he can to free the rest of us.

To freedom.

ALL: To freedom!

Yeah, to freedom. (CHUCKLES)

Eh, you chunks are no fun.

Well, if it isn't the champion of Rome himself.

(GASPS) Lady Majora.

What are you doing here?

I have to keep an eye on my father's investments.

Plus, I like the way your pecs dance after you k*ll a guy.

(GIGGLES) These old things?

Blip, blip, bla-bla, blip, blip, bla-bla, blip.

(GROWLS, LAUGHS)

Mm-hmm.

(SING-SONGY): Swish and slash and spin and kick and slice that belly and hello, guts.

It would appear that one of you lowly gladiators has impregnated my daughter.

Tell me who laid with her, and the rest of you will be spared the lash.

Mm...

I had sexicus.

- I had sexicus.
- I had sexicus.

I had sexicus.

- I had sexicus.
- I had sexicus.

I had sexicus.

You jerks!

You knew I liked her.

We were covering for you, jackass.

Oh, right.

Sir, I'm in love with your daughter.

If you must punish someone, punish me.

Place his head on the beheading block.

(GASPS)

Which is also the unlocking block.

Rise, for you are now free...

Woo-hoo!

- ...to marry my daughter.
- D'oh!

(CHUCKLING): I-I mean, great.

What could be more liberating than marriage?

CURATOR: The young lovers were wed for all the gods to see.

And plans were made for their future.

So that you may build a life together,

I give you the deed to one of my many businesses.

Oh, thank you, daddy.

I have so many great ideas.

Oh, my little vestal non-virgin,

leave the business talk to the men.

(SIGHS)

Now, Obeseus, to get things started, please, take some slaves on the house.

Aw, slaves? You shouldn't ha...

(GASPS) I can't own my friends.

I swore a sacred oath to free them.

CURATOR: Majora then understood:

For a woman to have any voice in this world,

it would have to come out of her husband's stupid mouth.

My love, you are so noble to take on the backbreaking work of four men, day in, day out, no matter how poor and hungry

- it shall leave you.
- (WEAK CHUCKLE)

Look, fellas, no one honors oaths more than me. No one.

Just give me a little time till we get on our feet, then I'll totally free you.

Management thanks you for your patience.

CURATOR: And, so, in choosing greed over loyalty,

the young couple began their rise to power...

And their fall from grace.

Well, now I feel stupid getting them a wedding gift.

(WHINES)

- CURATOR: Obeseus entered the second act of his life

running the dirty, bloody business

given to him by his father-in-law...

A laundromat.

(YAWNS)

CURATOR: Fun fact: In ancient Rome, clothes were washed

with ammonia, which is derived from human urine.

What's up, dad?

How's the whiz biz?

- Mellow and yellow.
- (LAUGHS)

Why is the store closed?

It's only noon.

Me and the fellas are all peed out.

How am I supposed to make things clean without human waste?

This business has been failing for years because you've been phoning it in.

Figure it out.

Hey, uh, "boss"? (GROANS)

We came up with an idea that could increase ammonia production.

All you got to do is put these jugs outside of taverns, and you'll get your urinus gratis.

Crowdsourcing a streaming service, eh?

- I'm a genius!
- (ALL HUFF)

♪ ♪

CURATOR: Stealing the idea of his indentured friends,

Obeseus was soon flush

- in liquid assets.
- (SLOSHING)

And he was able to move his family

to the more prosperous side of town.

("MOVIN' ON UP" PLAYING IN LATIN)

Lennus, I'm fatigued.

Yawn for me?

(YAWNS LOUDLY)

Obeseus, we gave you the idea that made you rich.

How about making good on your promise, and freeing us now?

Guys, guys, guys, thank you so much for bringing this up.

I'm really lucky to own friends like you.

Tell you what, I'll have my accountant crunch the letters, and we'll circle back.

The important thing is we started a conversation.

(ALL GRUMBLE)

♪ ♪

And now let us thank lord Jupiter for a bountiful harvest by draining the blood of this baby goat.

- (BLEATS)
- (GRUNTS)

Aw, these seats suck.

Can't even see the entrails from here.

Well, they save all the best seats for the senators.

(HOMER WHINES)

Hmm.

What if you became a senator?

Think about how much more respected we'd be.

I don't know.
It sounds like a lot of work.

Sitting there all day, listening, voting on stuff with my thumb.

But think of the perks.

You'll get invited to fancier orgies.

- The kinds with women.
- They have those?

CURATOR: And with that, Obeseus marched down the Appian way

to plead his case to the emperor,

confident that he would be welcomed into the senate.

(LAUGHS) The pee guy, a senator?

That would be an insult to the dignity of this office.

Now if you'll excuse me, Senator Horse and I are going shopping for lewd pottery.

Oh...

Stupid emperor.

Thinks he's great 'cause his bangs are so curly.

Oh, Majora's gonna be so mad.

I'd do anything to be a senator.

Anything, eh?

You know, as the emperor's politically adopted son,

I am next in line to the throne should anything happen to...

(CHUCKLES) daddy.

Like, say, him slipping and falling back-first onto a Kn*fe.

Oh, that happened to me once. Sucked.

(GROANS) k*ll the emperor and I'll make you a senator.

(GASPS) k*ll the emperor to become senator?

But what's in it for me?

CURATOR: Jacta alea est.

The die was cast.

♪ when in Rome you do as the Romans do ♪

♪ you play as the Romans play together. ♪

Hey, get out of here, you.

This is my private vomitorium and I've got a belly full of hot figs.
(HEAVES)

- (GROANS)
- Come on, you figs. (HEAVES)

(GRUNTING)

Et... tu... pee guy?

- (GRUNTS)
- (WHIMPERS)

(LAUGHS) History rules!

(GRUNTS)

Poor Majora.

She wanted her husband to be more ambitious, but not like this.

Well, actually...

Mm-hmm. (EXCLAIMS)

Give me a kiss, you big, stabby go-getter.

- Ooh.
- (MOANING)

(MAJORA CHUCKLES)

I love my job.

- CURATOR: Over the next ten years,

senator Obeseus' power grew vastly,

as did his toga size.

And Majora reveled in the high status,

hosting the town's elite

at her lavish Saturnalia party.

(LAUGHS) I love your holiday decorations.

It lets those pesky Christians know they aren't going to win the w*r on Saturnalia.

So, noble slaves, what gift do you desire from your benevolent master?

Uh... Our friggin' freedom.

Yeah, well, the thing about that is...

Why do we even bother asking anymore?

He's never gonna free us.

This has been building up for a while:

You give sl*ve owners a bad name.

(GASPS) What?

- (SIGHS) What a giant jerk.
- Ugh, he's the worst.

Dad, Bartigula's out of control.

Look what he's doing to Ptolemaic book guy.

- Ow.
- Why are you flaying yourself?

- Ow!
- Why are you flaying yourself?

An interesting paradox.

For does free will truly exist or... Ow!

Growing up rich and spoiled has turned your son into a monster.

It's not my fault.

I never spend any time with him.

(GRUMBLES)

w.

My son's a maniac.
My daughter's not a son.

My slaves hate me for some reason.

(SIGHS) Heavy lies the head that wears the wig of curly bangs.

Mm.

I'm spent.

Just gonna take a bath in warm donkey milk and go to sleep.

I can't believe the emperor didn't even come to my party.

He wouldn't even be emperor if not for you.

Yeah, well, what do you want me to do about it... k*ll the emperor?

Well, if that's what you want.

You can even use the present I got you.

Sweet jumpin' Jupiter!

What more do you want?

We started at the bottom and now we're one rung from the top.

It's a natural stopping point.

Will you never be satisfied?

Pardon me, senator.

I'm sorry you find my ambition so distasteful.

Just remember:

Power comes to those who take it.

Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

Aw, yeah. Yeah.

Milk, milk, milk.

- ♪
♪
- (CHEERING)

To the Roman empire.

May it last forever, in some strange form or another.

Ooh.

Can't be too careful these days.

Oh, taster.

- (GRUNTING)
- Poison.

Someone has tried to k*ll me.

(GASPS) You didn't?

You wouldn't.

When I find whoever did this, I will crush them like a...

(GRUNTS)

(SNIFFS)

- (ALL GASP)
- The emperor is dead!

Who will nominate his successor?

Friends, Romans, countrymen.

That's me.

We deserve an emperor who can boldly lead us into the future.

My son, Bartigula.

Wha?!

He was born rich, so he got to be good at business.

(CHANTING): Bartigula!

Bartigula! Bartigula!

Bartigula!

CURATOR: And so began the reign of Bartigula the Jerk.

Eager to expand the empire, he declared w*r

on Neptune, god of the sea.

Despite some early victories,

thousands drowned.

Bartigula blamed the troubles of Rome

on foreign invaders.

So he built a large and expensive wall to keep them out.

Awk, who needs ya?

Ya carthage-sacking aqueduct guzzlers.

CURATOR: And finally, to silence his critics,

Bartigula dissolved the senate.

Aah!

CURATOR: The young emperor had gone mad with power.

And syphilis.

Listen up, Rome-wads.

The empire's in crisis, the economy's in the crapatorium, and Neptune's kicking our butts, somehow.

I now realize...

I can no longer be your emperor.

Oh. Phew.

Because I am now your god!

(CROWD CLAMORING)

That's it. I'm taking a stand.

(GRUNTING)

My son isn't a god.

He's just an entitled little psycho.

Society must come to its senses and overthrow this madman!

- Uh... Uh...
- Hmm. I don't know.

Blasphemy! Seize him!

For your heresy, father, I sentence you to be eaten by the lions.

(GASPS)

Hmm. We're gonna need more lions.

Why are we here?

They said I could bring a couple of belongings.

Hey, this is where we made our freedom pact, remember?

The one you refused to honor for years.

(SIGHS) Not freeing you guys was the first worst thing I ever did, but I hereby decree you to be emancipated.

Now face the dawn as free men.

- We're in a jail cell, you dope.
- (WHINES)

Father, we have to get you out of the city.

Hurry, and you can still escape.

No, I'm not going to run.

Because you physically can't?

Yes, mostly, but also because we have to stop Bartigula and save the republic.

Are you fellas with me?

Uh... No.

(GROANS)

Oh.

CURATOR: Though he had lost everything,

Obeseus still had the heart of a warrior.

(LAUGHING)

Looks like Hannibal's missing an elephant.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, yeah.

All hail the living god.

We who are about to die

salute you.

- Oh!
- (CROWD LAUGHING)

(GROANS)

You dare show me your moon flaps?

I will teach this old fool who is the true Gluteus Maximus.

Bartigula, no!

CURATOR: There, in front of all Rome,

father and son engaged in bloody battle.

(WHIMPERS)

CURATOR: Bartigula was fast,

but Obeseus was fatter.

(GRUNTS)

(GROWLING)

CROWD (CHANTING): k*ll the god! k*ll the god!

Obe, please spare our boy.

What?

(CHUCKLES) Sic semper this, you fat load.

Why, you littleus...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

No!

(PANTING) My life is over.

I failed Rome, was a less-than-perfect father.

Worst of all, I really screwed over my friends.

May the... Gods... forgive me.

(GRUNTS)

I poisoned everything I loved with my boundless ambition.

My family is no more.

(SIGHS)

Mom, what about me?

We never really... clicked.

CURATOR: With that, the match was lit

that would burn Rome to the ground...

years later.

Haw-haw!

Who knew history could be so sad?

The moral of that story is clear:

Marge is wrong and ambition is terrible.

No, no, no.
The lesson is that the unchecked lust for money and power can bring a once-great nation to ruin.

Does anyone think it was weird that dad k*lled me?

Don't blame me. Blame your mother.

I just wanted you to go to one lousy training seminar.

Did you not even listen to the old guy's story about...

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- (CURATOR GROANS)

When will humanity ever learn...to stop letting stupid people into museums?

- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- They're missing the whole point.

If Rome had kept worshipping us, everything would have been fine.

Get over it, Dad.

You always get so worked up whenever you watch the mortals.

Can we change the channel?

This show sucks now.

Yeah, it's totally gone off the rails since season .

I know, but I want to see how it ends.

Definitely feels like they're wrapping it up.

Any day now.

♪ when in Rome you do like the Romans do ♪

♪ you play like the Romans play together ♪

♪ you're all invited, so right this way ♪

♪ you're gonna meet the Roman holidays. ♪