04x02 - She's Fifty

[bunniefuu]

Thank you.

Jesus.

What's good, Shannon?

Oh, Sam. Hey, hey.

Hey. Did you got my message?

So, so sorry about this.

What? Something else wrong with the van?

Yeah, so, um, we're still looking into things, but it seems like someone made off pretty clean with a couple vehicles last night.

It was stolen?

Yeah. But don't worry.

You're completely covered by our insurance.

And I-I know you got that tracker LoJack thing in there, so... might turn up.

No, no. That's okay.

It's probably totally gone forever.

C-Can you sign this, though, for the insurance?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Sorry, Sam. Yeah.

We did fix that vibrating in the steering wheel, so, you know, if it does turn up... Mm.

Not cool, Shannon.

Yeah, not... not cool. Sorry, Sam.

Not cool. Yes!

I was fine, you know?

And then he comes over to tuck the kids in.

And just having him back in the house...

I practically begged him to stay.

Mm. I am such a loser.

Uh, uh, uh. Don't say that.

Ooh.

Um, honey?

I am. I'm one of those people now.

I'm my mama. No, you're not.

Is that a diaper bag?

It's like I just keep punching myself in the face right in front of him. Like, "Ain't I cute?

Don't you want all this mess?"

And then he comes home for 15 minutes at the end of the day to tuck the kids in, and it's Captain Daddy Bedtime Champion.

He can't do that.

Oh, uh, you know what, though?

He actually can.

Because you don't have a mediator or a schedule or an attorney, so he can do whatever he wants.

You have no boundaries for him.

Sorry, broken record, but I will continue to be a broken record until you get professional help.

I'm sorry. I know that you're right.

I know you're right. It's just this waiting that's k*lling me.

Waiting for?

I just want things to go back to normal.

Oh!

Ooh!

These are g... This isn't gonna hold.

No, no, no. I need a backup.

That's so nasty. I'm not...

Everybody should have diapers in the car.

Girl, that's not... Whether you have kids or not.

That's so nasty. I'm not... It may look weird, but...

Oh. Ooh!

Okay.

Ready to go. Here comes gym.

That's some white people sh*t.

Oh, buddy.

Guess why I'm smiling right now.

Because I'm ridiculous?

No.

Because I see what's on the other side for you.

In this case, the journey is not the reward.

The reward is being on the other side and being free of this pain and knowing that he did you a favor.

You could have used less of a blindside, but... garbage into gold.

Let's go.

Oh, hi.

Do you want to know why she's crying?

Is that why you're looking?

Well, she's 49.

Her husband just left her.

She's got macular degeneration.

She's got a six-year-old and a semi-new baby.

Oh, no.

And, uh, she's gonna be 50.

So...

She's 50!

I never did that when I was pregnant, and I have three.

Hmm.

And now I wish I had done more sit-ups.

This is my fifth.

I said, "I'm not doing this for you.

I'm doing this for the man that I'm leaving you for."

Amen.

I mean "A-women."

Oh. He knows I love his fat ass.

I just don't love mine.

Sam? Sam!

I love seeing you here. It's Toussaint, President's mom.

We worked on the bake sale together all those years.

And I made those super strawberry scones, and you were like, "These are the best things I've ever had."

Yup. It's so good to see you.

I didn't know you go here. Yeah. I go here.

President told me that Frankie skipped a grade.

How did you pull that one off?

I bet you had to really do some backflips for that one.

And boy, oh, boy, that is... I don't want to scare you, but that is social su1c1de to the max element degree.

I mean, don't freak out... It's not like she has to go to the hospital or anything... But you skip someone ahead, and they could... Who knows?

How do I get my kids to give a two clown sh*t about school?

What's your magic? I mean, all my kids want to do is eat toast and masturbate.

I can't believe what you do.

You're like an adolescent freak whisperer.

You come to my house, I'll make you spaghetti.

I'll do anything you want. I f*cking love you, Sam Fox.

And you're popular. But you've got roots.

Jessica. We worked together on The Prowler.

Yes. I'm sorry. Baby Jess.

You were the... Demon hell child.

How many times did they make you do that vomit sunflower?

No, no, don't.

Because I still can't go anywhere near clam chowder.

Right? How are you?

I heard you just signed with Mal.

Oh.

And the thing about you is, you are so brave in your work.

And I love that you have real thighs and you aren't afraid to show them.

My wife is gonna die. She loves you.

Huh. This is really gonna work.

He is the best.

He just got me a three-show deal at Yougooglelu.

Oh, sh*t.

I was eavesdropping before on the machines.

You are effing hilarious.

Oh, well, her pain is pretty funny.

Men are sh*t.

I want to do something with you.

I've got some ideas. I'm gonna call Mal.

Are you in town for a while?

Um, sure. Yeah.

So, here is the best part.

We get to go home now.

Longest time ever before more gym.

I'm proud of you.

It does feel pretty good.

Yes!

The endorphins live!

Now we drink.

Just me.

Hi. Hi.

U-Untether me, please.

Why? Are you showering?

I don't track your grooming habits, do I?

Well, you're not supposed to take it off unless you're showering. Ugh.

Please.

Okay. Mm-hmm, well... And the straps.

Hey, Mom, I need you to sign this for me for school.

Nice tits, Gran.

Thank you, dear.

Is that a new stained glass?

It's pretty.

No, it's been there for 20 years, Phil.

Bye. Bye.

Okay.

Uh...

Okay, what is it... for? Thank you.

What did I sign?

Hello. - Not your manager, but I have very crazy professional news for you.

Tasco's rebooting Ching of the Mill.

What?! Donnie wants to meet with you out in Simi Valley tomorrow.

I will send you all the details.

Oh, my God.

It's gonna be huge. Everyone wants in on this show.

So I personally suggest you do it.

This is so good! Maybe I can fix my roof.

I'm almost poor. Did I tell you I'm poor now?

Sorry to hear that. Regardless, I'm taking 15% if this thing is a go.

Also, I'm not your manager.

Also, I will see you Saturday with the kids.

Love you! See you Saturday. Love you.

Oh!

Yes! Yes!

We must cover the ribs so as not to burn them.

Hi. Hi.

Do you have a lady dealer available?

I'm sorry, all of our sales associates are busy at the moment.

Did you make an appointment online?

Oh, I didn't know that...

Uh, I thought this was just, like, a car dealership and you could walk in and look at a car.

We don't take walk-ins.

Hey. Sorry I'm late. I told you.

Nobody will help me.

Are you looking for a new car experience today?

I think it's my wife here that needs your help. Come here, Pooh.

Oh.

She's such a different person since she went through the change last year.

Do you need your fan?

Do you need some water?

So, what's the story?

You want to look at the Pacifica?

I'm not getting another van.

But you have a lot of people.

I really don't. Max drives herself, and I'm usually alone now.

You're never alone.

So that's it? I'm just neutered.

I used to drive an eight-cylinder '88 Fox-body which was absorbed into the dealership when I traded it in for the mommy van.

You're a mommy.

I want something cool.

Why do you get to drive this truck?

You have kids. You have kids.

It's different for guys.

I know.

Jesus.

Look how f*cking low I am.

I need, like, ten pillows.

I feel like I'm driving my dad's car.

Do you have anything with a stick? Like, anything fun?

Pretty much everything's a*t*matic these days.

Mm... Can you even drive a stick?

What are you talking about? Zombie escape plan.

I tell all the girls that they have to learn to drive a stick.

Because in the apocalypse, there's gonna be one lone prospector with a gas pump, a slash of rope and a landline, and he's gonna fix the end of the world.

She actually tells them this. Sounds like a good plan.

Just maybe I should do the responsibly thing and get an electric job.

Oh, we got the i3 over here.

Whoa.

That car is ugly as sh*t.

Some people really like it. It's good for the environment.

You should take it for a couple days and try it out.

I don't have a charger thingy.

Just go to the mall or any parking lot.

They've got them everywhere.

"Almost Nude Maids"? What the hell?

That's how I met my wife.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Hey, hey.

Oh. Hey, Brad.

Hey, Sam. What happened to the minivan?

Oh, this is a loaner.

So, you know, we really like your mom.

Oh, God. But she's been swimming in our pool.

A-Actually, that's not even the issue.

I mean, we don't mind if she wants to swim, but... if she could just... cover herself up?

It's just, we got young boys, and, well, y-your mother doesn't exactly have the body of a woman her age.

God. Brad, I'm so sorry.

We-we really don't want to make this into a thing, you know?

Actually, you know, we're thrilled that she dropped the lawsuit against our dogs.

If she could wear a swimsuit or something, we'd be really grateful. Yeah.

No. I know. Say anything, just...

Can you...? Bye. Oh. Oh.

Sorry.

Say hi to your wife. Okay.

Laura? Laura, I think. Lisa. It's Lisa.

♪ Paradise, feeling's nice ♪

♪ When you turn out the lights ♪

♪ La, la, la... ♪ Okay, what's the point?

So good to see you. My God, how cool is this?

Huh? Oh, my God, it's amazing.

How are the girls doing? They're great, they're great.

I mean, they're all older than me now, but...

Well, yeah. I mean, uh, Milo just graduated from Cal Poly.

Jack's studying to be a vet. Wow.

I know. I hear it's harder to be a vet than to be a human-people doctor. That's true.

That's ac... Yeah, 'cause you got to master all the, uh, all the, uh, you know, additional, uh, anatomies...

...and stuff like that. Oh, my God. This is so great.

I can't believe... Yeah, so listen, uh, thanks for doing this.

I know it's just like... When do we start?

...it's crazy awkward, and...

Oh, God. Your manager didn't explain the, uh, the situation.

Oh, sh*t. Well, what?

I'm kind of in between managers right now.

What-what situation?

It's just a formality, okay?

But, uh, we need you to read for the part.

Oh, that's fine.

Which part? Uh, Rooster.

Look, w-we don't know, we don't know if we're gonna, uh, age him up, age him down or do something completely, you know, different.

Oh... Listen, listen, listen.

I know what you can do. Okay? Mm-hmm.

I mean, you know that. It's not me.

It's just these new... exquisite corpse corps.

Yeah. They want me to read for my part?

The part that I did for ten years.

The part I won a Genie Golden Halo Award for?

And well-deserved.

I mean, I mean, well-deserved, right?

There she is.

Hey. Hey.

What's up? How are you?

How are the girls? Good. They're great. They're great.

How are your girls? Uh, the girls are great. Yeah.

And then I got-got other kids, too. They're good.

Oh. You do? Um, yeah. Long story short, I-I had a vasectomy and... didn't work, and so basically, I've got six kids... They're all 13.

Ah. Not sextuplets.

13, yeah. Um... Wow. Yeah.

And that's why we're doing the reboot.

Yeah, you got to get that orthodontia money.

Yeah. But, uh, hey. Okay, well...

k*ll the people, Sammy.

Cool. Yeah. You're gonna crush it.

Amazing. Okay. Come on. All righty.

Good luck. Or...

You don't need it. We'll see you. Thanks.

Thanks, boss. All righty. - Close... Mike.

Close the f*cking door, dude. Come on. Oh, yeah.

This is just a formality, all right? Everyone is doing it.

Okay. Yeah. Okay? You know?

I mean, Maddie, Brittany, Carlos, Henry...

Oh, they all...? Yeah.

That makes me feel better. Yeah.

And you're, you know, you're Rooster, for God's sakes.

Just give me a little, would you? Okay.

Poop-poop, pop, purple, people, pretzel. Good.

Pencil. Good. All right, listen, I'm gonna turn my back on you.

All right? So, I know you know that doesn't mean I'm being rude or anything, okay? Right? Oh, no.

You did this at my original audition, and...

All right. All right. Ain't no... Okay.

Okay, so, whenever you're ready. Action. Okay.

A bee stung my head.

Okay, good. Uh, just try, just try pitching it up a little bit, Sam.

Okay, sure.

A bee stung my head.

Teacher said my toaster was pandiculated.

Santa can't bring me an uninfect...

All right, fine. Good, stop.

Jesus, God.

God, you're brilliant. You are.

I mean, you were always so good off the page. Right?

Yeah. I'm serious. Huh?

Thanks. You gonna be in town for a while?

Yeah, sure, I'm in town.

Where am I going? Yeah, right?

Yeah. Hey, hey.

Hey. Wait.

It's Curly. You remember, you remember Curly.

Yes! Yes. Yeah.

You're the P.A. who would stock the green room with all our favorite snacks.

Slim Jims and wasabi peanuts.

Still my favorite. Amazing.

I want to get some for the road, if you don't mind.

Oh, uh, I'm-I'm actually not a P.A. anymore.

I'm one of the executive producers now.

I-I'm happy to-to get you some Slim... Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

You said Slim Jims? No, no, no, no, no. You know what?

There's a 7-Eleven down the street anyway.

Congratula... That's great. Yeah... Thank you.

Okay. Mm-hmm. Thank you.

I love you. I adore you. Love, yes.

So, I'm gonna see you soon, eh?

Gee, I hope I get my own part.

Peace.

How'd it go?

Awkward as f*ck.

♪ I'll be a sky so full of empty now ♪

♪ That little falcons dive into, lover ♪

♪ So when I'm restless they can lead somehow ♪

♪ What in the world I'm gonna do out here ♪

♪ I feel that I'm a little lost most of the time ♪

♪ But I don't really mind. ♪

Serious?

Yes.

Oh.

Hi.

Need something?

Uh, yeah.

Can you help me?

Depends how you mean it.

That your golf cart?

Uh, ha! Yeah.

I need a tow truck.

Or an extension cord.

And my cell phone's being stupid, so...

There's not very good reception around here at the end of the world.

Mm.

Feel free to use my landline.

Oh.

Bango.

What do you got under there?

You want me to take it out?

Oh, no. No, that's cool.

No. Any excuse to get her out.

I love looking at this car.

Yeah. Whoa.

Yes!

Chromey beauty.

Run your fingers along these edges.

Like here and underneath.

You feel that?

Yeah, there's no rough spots on this car anywhere.

When I was a kid, my neighbor had a car like this, and it had this weird back thing.

What is this called?

They call it a truck bed. Mm.

Get in. Oh, no.

I couldn't. I don't want to hurt it.

A lot of people will tell you a car like this, you should just bring it to auto shows on Sunday.

It's shameful. Mm.

This is a driving car.

I feel like a getaway driver.

Not with your hands off the wheel.

Ooh.

And it's wood.

How bad is it for the environment?

Really bad.

Mmm.

Har-loo!

Hello. I have something very life-changing to share with you.

Or change of life-ing. Hmm.

Mom. Mom, Mom. What?

Can you make me a grilled cheese sandwich with the Cheshire cheese you bought?

What? Can you make me, uh, the...

With the Cheshire cheese that...

Excuse me.

Hello. Hi.

Hi. How are you?

Could you please... move... to the side?

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

What?! No!

What is that?!

Oh, you got to get out.

Can you please get out? Get out.

Please, go to your own homes.

Or to a parking lot. I don't care.

But just... don't be in my house right now.

Mom.

Mom, Mom, look at me. Mom. Ooh!

Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

Ugh. It's-it's a chinchilla.

It's like a giant furry mouse.

Ooh!

Oh, so, how did this get here?

Did somebody close a zoo? Who paid for this?

Did somebody pay for this?

We didn't do it on purpose.

We went to the store to get boneys for the dogs.

And Duke fell in love with it.

She hasn't had a pet like this since Mandy Patinkin d*ed.

Mm-hmm. Okay, so I'm just curious, though.

So you guys went to a store.

So that means that you paid money for this.

So I'm just wondering how you got the money.

I paid for it.

Oh. On your credit card.

Oh, that's awesome.

Max, pick the box up with that thing, and bring it outside.

Now. Now. Mom, Mom, its name is Priscilla.

Priscilla the Chinchilla.

Pick up Priscilla, and bring her outside to my new car, which I was gonna celebrate, but you thunder-stealing chinchilla...

Wait, when did you get a new car, Mom? New car?

Did you say new car?

Mom, you promised me the minivan.

You're full of sh*t, Mom.

No, I am not.

Did this thing even pass smog check?

I don't know. I highly doubt it would.

Mom, this car doesn't fit all of us.

I know. Max, get in.

No fair!

Too bad, sucka. That's what you get for buying a chinchilla behind my back.

Go inside.

Yeah, baby!

Unfortunately, there's no return on pets, only store credit.

I'm not trying to spend $300 on dog food and bones.

We have a very fine selection of pets that you can choose from.

I don't want another pet. I want my money back.

You're the one who sold this dog mouse to a minor without parental consent.

No, I didn't. I sold it to her.

Anyway, he's been returned too many times.

They'll probably put him down.

Oh, sh*t. Oh...

Huh, fella? Jesus.

I'll be right back.

Hello. I just would like to start this phone call by saying I'm not your manager.

Stop saying that. Well, it's true.

And, okay, so they're going with all the original cast...

That's great!

...except for Rooster.

What?

They're getting Lazlo Barber.

Lazlo Barber is dead.

I know.

So, what are you talking about?

Th-They're doing something, a new technology called Vocology Sernagraphio.

They piece together his voice.

I mean they have, like, over 10,000 hours of recordings of him.

Okay, so you're telling me that an actually dead person is getting a part over me, which is my actual part?

Ugh, I hate being the bearer of bad news. Jesus.

It's nothing personal, Sam.

They just wanted to go in a different direction.

It just wasn't the right fit.

It was the right fit... for a decade.

The guys said they love you and they will keep you in mind for incidental characters.

Oh, well.

f*ck 'em if they can't take a joke.

Exactly.

Oof.

Mom. Mom.

She's nice.

Whoa.

It's a girl? Yeah, it's a girl.

Look. Huh.

Okay.

Mom?

What the f*ck?

Welcome to my midlife crisis!

Can I drive your new whip?

Hmm.

Okay.

I have to tend to the livestock anyway.

Let's go home, baby.

Let's go, snakey.

Oh, cool, it's raining again.

It's so cool.

Be careful.

You got the windshield wipers?

I think we should call her Betty White.

Betty White?