04x06 - New Orleans

[bunniefuu]

Bonjour, laissez les bons temps... whatever.

Hi! How are you? Hi.

I'm good. You look so handsome. Oh, my God.

Yes, yes, yes! You're here.

You made it!

Oh, my God. We're so happy you came.

Yes. I can't believe I'm here.

I mean, I do get invited to so many gay Bolly-Billy weddings that I finally had to cave and accept one invitation.

Are you hungry? We're hungry. Yes, I'm starving.

And thirsty. Okay, good.

'Cause we are having brunch at a very "no sh*t"

N'awlins legendary place.

The only catch is you'll have to eat with some of my batshit Southern family.

I love batshit Southern families.

Uh, and my crazy Indian family.

I love crazy Indian families.

Great. Even better peanut butter cup.

Two great tastes that taste great together.

Perfect.

How are you today?

Okay.

Is this you folks' first time in New Orleans?

No, I'm from here. My family lives here.

I never been here before.

And now my family lives here, too.

They're getting married.

Who's getting married?

He and I are.

Oh.

Okay. Hey, man, I'm all for the gays getting married and making families.

'Cause you gonna be a whole lot better spouses than my ex-husbands.

How old are your kids?

25, 19 and 10.

They're my whole world.

Sweet.

You got kids? Three girls.

Where's the daddy? You tell me.

I know that's right.

m*therf*cker.

Yo, my man.

Yo, go tell this f*ck n*gga cab driver she can't drive.

Hey, man, what's the holdup?

Come on!

He say you a "f*ck n*gga."

Oh, yeah?

You tell him his mammy is a f*ck n*gga!

d*ck-sucking-ass bitch!

The f*ck... He don't know who he playing with.

He better go ask some damn body.

He messing with the wrong one today, that's for damn sure.

Unfortunately, we can't seat you dressed like this.

Oh, come on. Really? Like what?

We require gentlemen to wear a collared shirt.

I want you to know... Oh, God.

... this is a cashmere knit top. Mm-hmm.

Is there any way you could make an exception?

No.

Wow. Oh, damn.

Really? Well, because, you see, these two gentlemen, they're getting married, and this is their wedding brunch, so... Congratulations, gentlemen.

However, we've been in business since 1893.

Our traditions are integral to our identity.

And this includes our dress code.

Our apologies for any inconvenience.

Wow. Okay.

So...

Okay. Whatever, let's just go.

Our families... Let's go. Maneesh.

You know what?

I understand.

It's not him.

This is ridiculous.

I'm offended. You know, he only did that because we're gay.

No, he didn't. Did you see him? He's totally gay.

Uh... Really?

I mean, w-we can't brunch with our family because of some antebellum dress code?

They only want you to wear a collared shirt and a sports coat.

We accept your challenge!

It's okay, it'll be fun. Let's go shopping.

Okay.

Oh. This isn't bad.

Okay. This is nice.

Hey, guys. You know what?

I want to drink alcohol on the streets.

That's what you do in New Orleans, right?

Yeah. You, like, drink beer on the streets?

Go ahead, I don't care. Whatever.

Find something cute. I'm just gonna go Have fun. All right.

I think, right here.

Okay.

This place is somewhere around here...

It's, like, one more block. I mean, I came here... Oh!

Jesus Chr... Oh! Oh, my God!

Whoa... Okay. Oh, I'm sorry.

That's okay. Oh... Sorry. Use these.

I have napkins. Oh, I think it's beer.

This is beer, right? It smells like beer.

Right? It smells like beer.

Thank you for the napkins. Yeah, it's beer.

It'll come out. Except the smell.

All right, uh...

Why did you thank her?

She gave me napkins.

Hi.

Hey. Hi.

You like? Is it me? Oh, my god. So cute.

Yeah. You guys look so good. Let's go eat.

Mm-hmm. Who was that?

Uh, nobody.

Nobody. Y-You want some beer? I...

You came back. Mm-hmm.

I'll be damned.

Rarely do patrons come back with another set of clothes.

I can't tell you how impressed I am.

Thank you for being respectful.

Horace, get these lovely folks a bottle of Bichot Burgundy on the house.

Right this way, folks. That's very nice.

All right.

Should make it two. This tie was frigging expensive.

Hello!

This is Sam.

Hi. Heard about you...

Finally, finally. Hi.

I'm very honored to be here.

Welcome to New Orleans. Thank you.

So, you start drinking early here?

Well, there's breakfast drinking, there's brunch drinking, there's afternoon drinking and there's dinner drinking.

Sometimes there's a little bedtime nip.

I love a nip.

"This is a cashmere knit top."

I know. Don't get me started.

Is she the one that everybody...

She's the one everyone thinks we look alike.

We used to look like twins growing up.

Well, that's just 'cause I wore your clothes all the time. And then you... Well...

Maneesh. Cheers.

Daddy, like, a little... Oh.

He loves. Daddy lovey.

My son is only gonna get married once. You know?

And I want to enjoy every second of it.

Dad, we're not at the wedding yet.

You can never start early enough.

He sounded a little Irish there.

"You can never start early enough."

Well, this is an arranged marriage. It is.

Thank you, Mom and Dad. What a good job.

A woman of great taste. Thank you. So far, it's working out.

First wedding, I think...

We'll see how it goes. Aw.

You're gonna be with me forever.

With that face. I need... I need more wine.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I know you. I know you! I know you... I knew it.

You're from TV and the movies.

And I-I... you're the, uh, I saw you... you know what? I know you, though.

I know you. I know who you are.

Yeah, I think you have me mistaken for somebody else.

I get that a lot. Okay. Right, sure, uh, listen. I'm-a say something, and don't take you this the wrong way, okay?

Okay.

I masturbated to you...

... more than once. Whoa, whoa.

Get him out of here. What? What? Okay.

Have some manners. What? What?

Just back off. All right.

Okay, I'm the bad guy. Okay. Yes. Yeah.

You try to say something nice...

Wow. "Try to say something nice"?

My God. What the hell was that?

I'm so sorry. It's okay, Miss Louise.

Uh-uh. Somebody should teach that man a lesson.

He's just drunk.

That is no excuse.

And he never even took off his hat while he was addressing you.

No. Twice, he has disrespected my alma mater.

And... did he say "masturbate"?

Um... yes.

He did say that. Yes.

Well, nope.

I'm gonna set that boy straight. Oh, no, no, no, no.

Miss Louise, Miss Louise, it's not worth it.

Just stay right here.

You're gonna wake up some scary ghost in him.

That is incredible that you want to defend my honor like that. Darling, no, no...

I don't even know that anybody...

Hey, hey, okay. Come on, man. I just, no, I just... It's okay.

It's okay, look. Uh, I just want to say, uh...

I-I'm sorry for what happened before when I was sitting here... You!

Ow! Whoa!

Back up. You... What the hell's going on?

Don't poke me with your stick! Step away from this woman right now! Get off me with that stick!

Right this minute. Do you hear me?

Back off! Don't poke me.

You are not welcome here.

I was apologizing when you...

Ladies and gentlemen...

I told you. She's everything. Honey.

I...

Grandma Louise! Grandma!

Andrew started doing my hair back in L.A. in like, I think it was like mid-2000s?

But now I fly him back here mostly just to do my color.

But it's not just about the hair with Andy.

I just love him so much. Me too.

He's actually the only thing I miss about L.A.

Really? He's the only thing you miss?

Mmm, I miss Tacos Tu Madre.

I miss the Hollywood Bowl on a cool night.

But I'm just so happy here, Sam.

Do you know that I bought this whole house for half the cost of my house in Bel Air?

Really? Mm-hmm.

This place is unbelievable. I know.

I love it. And it's not just the house, Sam.

It's, like, the whole feeling of this city.

It's added years to my life.

The culture. The food.

The sex I'm having.

Oh, yes.

It has improved. It's actually, like, restored.

This place is a romantic, sexy f*ck city.

Whoa. Yeah.

Let me ask you a question. In Los Angeles, did men stop talking to you somewhere in, like, your mid-40s?

Um, yep.

Well, it's a whole different song here.

All sorts of men hit on me, every day.

Young men, old men.

So, young men hit on you here? Yes.

NOLA men ain't looking for shallow water.

They are looking for full lives.

And that is why I'm getting d*ck all the time.

How "all" is "all the time"?

I'm literally picking d*ck out of my p*ssy, Sam.

Whew. You got to sell your house and move out here.

You, of all people, would love it.

I want to pick d*ck out of my p*ssy, too.

I'm moving to New Orleans.

Cheers. Wow.

Maneesh and I went to college together.

I think he wrote all my English lit papers.

He was the brilliant one that lived down the hall from me.

I never left him alone.

I'm sorry. Please excuse me for a second.

I need to kiss my wife.

Yeah, of course.

Oh, sorry. Ow.

I'm sorry.

Oh.

Hi. Ha... Hi.

Hello, yes. Hi. Hello.

Hi. Yes, hello. Hi.

Oh, my God.

So, uh...

You know Maneesh and Andrew?

She knows Andrew, right? She works with Andrew.

Oh.

Wait, you were the... on the street?

Yeah. You two know each other?

Uh, Lainie, this is Sam. Sam, Lainie.

Uh, hi.

Nice to meet you, Lainie.

Nice to meet you.

Wait, I'm so confused.

Why didn't you two say hi to each other on the street?

Yeah, that was... kind of weird.

Yeah...

Yeah.

I... Um, yeah.

Anyway, it's very nice...

Yes, so...

I'll see you around this... See you around the, uh...

I-I think we're over there. Yeah.

Yes. Right. We'll see you. Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the newlyweds, Mr. Maneesh Pyati, and Mr. Andrew W. Pyati.

Congratulations!

Mm... Ooh.

Gamma, do you have something for me?

Well, I think maybe this belongs to you, darling.

Thank you. Mm.

Okay, everybody, uh, thank you all for being here.

I love all of you so much I can't stand it.

Um, this is for... my husband.

Aw.

♪ Operator, number, please ♪

♪ It's been so many years ♪

♪ Will she remember my old voice ♪

♪ While I fight the tears? ♪

♪ Hello, hello there, is this Martha? ♪

♪ This is old Tom Frost ♪

♪ And I am calling long-distance ♪

♪ Don't worry 'bout the cost ♪

♪ 'Cause it's been 40 years or more ♪

♪ Now, Martha, please recall ♪

♪ Meet me out for coffee ♪

♪ Where we'll talk about it all ♪

♪ And... ♪

♪ Those were the days of roses ♪

♪ Poetry and prose and, Martha ♪

♪ All I had was you ♪

♪ And all you had was me ♪

♪ And I feel so much older now ♪

♪ And you're much older, too ♪

♪ How's your husband? How's your kids? ♪

♪ You know that I got married, too ♪

♪ Lucky that you found someone ♪

♪ To make you feel secure ♪

♪ 'Cause we were all so young and foolish ♪

♪ Now we are mature ♪

♪ And those were the days of roses ♪

♪ Poetry and prose and, Martha ♪

♪ All I had was you ♪

♪ And all you had was me ♪

♪ There was no tomorrows ♪

♪ We'd packed away our sorrows ♪

♪ And we saved them for a rainy day ♪

♪ I was always so impulsive ♪

♪ I guess that I still am ♪

♪ And all that really mattered then ♪

♪ Was that I was a man ♪

♪ I guess that our being together ♪

♪ Was never meant to be ♪

♪ Martha ♪

♪ Martha ♪

♪ I love you, can't you see? ♪

♪ And those were the days of roses ♪

♪ Poetry and prose and, Martha ♪

♪ All I had was you ♪

♪ And all you had was me ♪

♪ There was no tomorrows ♪

♪ We'd packed away our sorrows ♪

♪ And we saved them for a rainy day ♪

♪ And I remember quiet evenings ♪

♪ Trembling close to you ♪

Many of you may not know this, but, uh...

I met Maneesh on a burning airplane.

It's true, true story.

Shout out to Flight 27 in the crowd!

Survivors!

That cockpit in flames feels like it happened to someone else.

Like, um, I was a curious onlooker, or, uh, in some kind of a fever dream, quite frankly.

But despite that scare, I look back on that day with great warmth.

My fellow passengers and I did some trauma bonding, and because of that, I met this amazing human being, Maneesh, and later, his wonderful Andrew.

And for that I am eternally grateful.

So, to Maneesh and Andrew, I wish you a lifetime of intimacy, companionship and love.

But most of all, great gay sex.

I need to ask you: no date?

No. No date.

It's just me dancing alone here with you, and that is very okay with me.

Well, I've attended a lot of weddings alone myself.

My husband passed away, what, 22 years ago.

Prostate cancer.

Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that.

Well, don't be. He was an assh*le.

I kind of knew you were gonna say that.

♪ I should not want... ♪ Oh, Miss Louise...

♪ Nor should you want to be around me ♪

♪ It's all because... ♪ You know what? Can I get...? You may. Enjoy.

Thank you. Okay.

I get to dance with both of you. I know.

♪ First time we met ♪

♪ If you knew ♪

♪ Knew how blue ♪

♪ How lonely I have come to be ♪ Friends, family, I would now like to present the entertainment.

One of the town's greatest cultural artifacts, the Bayou Bon Bon, also known as the Flirty Martini with a twist...

New Orleans' very own, and my dear friend, Ms. Sharon Greenstein.

Come on out, Sharon.

Yes!

Ever since I was a young woman, I saved every sari I owned.

I told myself I was saving it for our future daughter.

A daughter which we never had.

Instead, we had a magnificent son.

Our sweet Maneesh, who, from a very young age, made it clear that he would not have a traditional wife.

We got around to the idea, and so today he has married a wonderful man named Andrew.

We are so proud of both of you.

So, I have placed a dowry chest in your hotel room.

In it, you will find all my old saris.

You can do whatever you want to with them.

We love you both very much.

And now I have two sons.

Which is great, but it's also, you know, crazy.

Because in Mumbai, where I'm from, they hate to be a gay.

Thank God my brother's not here.

And my terrible sister-in-law... who runs a sweatshop in Gujarat.

Hey, Dad... That woman stole from the family, you know. And she stole my gold tooth.

I know that. Andrew should know about your family.

Oh, no.

Sharon!

Hi. Good evening.

I mean... Oh.

Good morning. Yes.

Um, just curious.

Is my room available for one more night?

Uh, yes, I would.

Great.

Yeah, let's do it.

Hi.

Um, I'm actually looking to buy a potion today.

What you looking for? Something medicinal?

No. Not that. Love?

What? No. Ew.

Okay, so, what do you want to do?

You want to anoint something? Conjure something?

You want to bless something or thwart something?

No. I think that...

I just want something for me, for today.

To experience the city.

Oh.

I got you.

This is a potion made by our in-house high priest, Jean-Baptiste.

Oh. Is that his real name?

Yes, that's the chef's name. Jean-Baptiste.

Oh, okay. Well, it just sounded like, kind of made up, like a Pirates of the Caribbean thing.

And he made this potion... exclusively for us.

It's for newcomers to New Orleans.

To help them to see the city through mystic eyes.

Oh.

I want that one.

I'll take... Okay.

So, you just drink this?

You just drink it.

Okay. It...

Is it sanitary?

Well...

Mm-hmm.

Thank you. I think I'm gonna stay here and wait, see if it kicks in a little bit.

You got anything for hands?

Ready to order, miss? Uh, yeah.

I really want the crawfish, but I can't eat a pound.

Is that really the smallest amount that I can order?

A pound of crawfish ain't that much meat, miss, 'cause we weigh them shells and all.

Once you cr*ck them open with your fingers and dig around, it comes out much less than a pound.

Oh, wow. That's a lot of hands, sounds like.

I'm not sure if my hand's up to that.

Well, maybe you should order crab cakes.

But that's lame. Coming to crawfish boil and not ordering the crawfish?

I'll help you out with those.

You will? Sure, why not?

Let's pinch them tails and suck them heads.

Okay. Come on.

Folks. Ah...

Suck away. Thank you.

Can we get two plates?

Oh, it's not that hard. Nah.

Mmm. This is where all the flavor's at.

In here? You hold the body, twist the tail.

Just put it in your mouth, crunch it and suck... just crunch it. Bite down.

It's salty...

Tell me about yourself. Stormin' Norman, the one and only, shucking oysters 42 years.

I'm Michael Broadway.

They call me "Hollywood" for short. I'm a bad mother-shucker.

This is my moneymaker.

Look at that hand. Big.

I shuck and jive all day long.

They're good. Spicy.

You can peel the claws off, too.

That one is dead. Yep.

Just eat the potato like this? Mmm.

Personal favorite is the corn. Yum.

Anybody asks you how you like your oysters, you tell them clean and cold.

'Cause they taste better.

Breakfast of champions.

Breakfast of champions.

You need another beer. That's true.

Cheers, you guys.

I love the Big Easy.

Welcome to the Big Easy. Thank you.

Get up, boy!

You can't do that here.

Get your ass out my door.

Look at this crown moldings and the high ceilings. Mm.

This place is only this much?

You guys are giving it away. You're crazy.

A house like that is a small fortune for us locals.

Oh. I didn't mean to sound like that.

Oh, no, that's all right, honey. I'm-I'm used to it.

You see, we are survivors in this city, so whatever it takes to get through what we got to get through, we just do it.

Yes, ma'am.

Is this place sold?

Yeah.

That went into escrow this week.

Chinese fella bought it.

Oh.

Okay.

Well, you have my info, you know what I like, so if you see something, give me a call.

I got you, baby. I know your taste.

You like a big kitchen and bathrooms, good room flow and great toilets.

That's the one.

♪ No one to walk with ♪

♪ All by myself ♪

♪ No one to talk with ♪

♪ I'm happy on the shelf ♪

♪ Ain't misbehavin' ♪

♪ Saving all my love for you ♪

♪ Oh, babe ♪

♪ Like Jack Horner, I'm in a corner ♪

♪ I don't swing enough, well, what should I care? ♪

♪ All your loving ♪

♪ Waiting for me, babe... ♪

♪ We're all going crazy ♪

♪ While jammin' and... ♪

♪ I said, hangin' in the Tremé ♪

♪ Watchin' people sashay ♪

♪ Past my step... ♪

♪ Once knew a girl named Judy ♪

♪ Judy! ♪ ♪ She had the nicest booty ♪

♪ Booty! ♪ ♪ And all the guys in town ♪

♪ Would gather around to see Judy twerk her booty... ♪ Hey, Selwyn, how you doing tonight, baby?

What's going on, man? What you got?

Uh, let me get a double of Jameson straight, no chaser.

You got it.

Hi. I'm so sorry to bother you, I just, I love your set, I love your music, I'm a big fan.

Well, thank you very much, love.

Um, what's your name?

I'm Sam. Well, it's nice to meet you, Sam.

Nice to meet you.

Where you from? I'm from L.A.

Oh, L.A. I love L.A.

You mind if I buy you a drink?

Oh, sure. Yeah.

Hey, Selwyn, can I get another double Jameson straight-up?

Coming right up.

Um, I got a show actually coming up in L.A. in August.

Oh. That is such great news.

You are so talented. Damn it. Yes.

That's why when I met him two years ago, I knew I had to have him.

And now he's mine. Oh.

Irina. Hello. Sam.

Yes. Of course.

You know, you're pretty talented your own self.

I've been following your work for a long time now.

I really enjoy it. Oh, thank you.

By the way, that show in L.A. is on August 23rd.

Okay. Great. I'm getting tickets.

I'm gonna bring my... Good. We'll, uh, we'll see you there, then.

Okay. Yes. Well, nice to meet you.

Thanks for the drink. Mm.

Oh... Sorry.

Wow.

Yeah, another Sam body slam.

How'd I get so lucky?

Hi.

Hi. What?

What?

What? What?

Aren't you... missing something?

Someone?

No. I don't think so.

She could tell I wanted to be someplace else, so, uh, she went back to the hotel.

Oh. Hmm. And I came here.

That makes you not a very good date.

It was her idea.

Oh.

Okay. Where are we going?

Come on. All right.

Sam, it's Mae, your New Orleans Realtor.

You will not believe this, but that house that you loved...

The one that was in escrow to the Chinese guy?

Well, the deal fell through and it is back on the market.

So this could really work out perfect for you.

So let me know when you want to see it. I will set it up.

Okay. Call me.

Bye.

Sara!

That's you?

Oh... You rememb... you remember me?

We was eating crawdaddies.

Yes. Thank you for helping me with those.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Have a good night.

Call me.

He's my best friend. You never told me your name was Sara.

Well...

I have lots of secrets, too.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

You want to tell one?

Well, you just found out.

My name is Sara.