06x18 - And the Dad Day Afternoon

[bunniefuu]

( upbeat music )

Oh, my God, the customers are nakey.

Thank God you're seeing it too.

I thought my X-ray vision was back.

God bless the annual naked bike ride.

And where's Oleg?

This is the first lunch rush in years.

Uh, the guy at table three needs some water and has an ass mole that should really get looked at, but not by me.

Oleg, you're doing the naked bike ride too?

The naked what?

Okay, g*ng.

Let's hit the road.

( gasps )

Ugh, oh!

Ooh, ah!

I don't know where to look now.

Nothing's good.

Well, now we have to burn this place down.

( Peter Bjorn and John ) ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

( cash register bell dings )

Don't try and stop me.

I'll Mountain Dew it.

You know I'm crazy when I'm all Coked up.

So I heard a lot of noise coming from your room last night.

And since I know that bat is dead, because it had a heart att*ck on my pillow, I assume you had a gentleman caller?

He wasn't a gentleman, but he did wear a monocle while we did it.

Well, you had a much more exciting night than I did.

Both of my legs fell asleep on the toilet.

Then so did I.

So you aren't gonna see him again?

Well, we know every time Earl walks away, there's a chance of that.

I have an announcement.

Whoever keeps putting peanut butter in my desk, stop.

I'm allergic.

And I'm closing the diner Sunday.

Well, we had a good run.

No, we didn't.

Let's scavenge, people!

Bye, y'all!

Where do we keep the money at?

( paper shredder whirring )

What?

I don't want our meat order to fall into the wrong hands.

No, you pile of felons.

I'm closing the diner for Sunday only.

Well, I'm keeping this stuff anyway.

And I really hate it.

My new therapist, Gary, says that I need to take a day off to focus on myself.

Did he give you a magnifying glass for that?

Max, Gary says you use your toxic, mean-spirited jokes to keep people like me at a distance.

You know what else works?

Putting my hand on your forehead.

Max, Gary also says you have a fear of intimacy stemming from your father abandoning you.

To put it simply, you have daddy issues.

The only daddy issues I have are of Rod Magazine.

And there's no such thing as daddy issues.

If there was, why would my daughter be married to a forgetful older man named Burl?

What did Gary say about me, Han?

Were the words "Eliza Doolittle" used?

Well, you certainly do little, but actually, you didn't come up.

You don't come up to my knees.

See? That's the kind of material you need to get a shout-out.

Hey, everybody!

Barbara just smiled politely at her first ugly baby.

Oh, I could learn some manners from her.

Sophie, it's really not nice to call a baby "ugly."

Shut up!

Oh, I mean...

( cheerfully ) Shut up!

Good news, Sophie.

I don't have to work here or Bubzie's Hideaway this Sunday.

We can get a babysitter and spend the whole day together.

Well, if you're suggesting that we have s*x at the dog track again, then I'm gonna tell you what I said at the dog track.

( barking )

Well, now we all need therapy.

Oh, Bobby, I'm so sorry you have to go to your great aunt's funeral on Sunday.

I really wanted to get lunch and some towels at Ikea.

Ooh, if you're going to Ikea, can you get me a snars-vaten-woggen?

I need a place to put my book light.

Okay, I understand.

I guess the real lesson is, don't lie about your weight on a hot-air balloon.

I am so, so sorry... that I had to listen to that horrible phone conversation.

You know, Max, it's actually a good thing that Bobby's aunt d*ed tragically.

Now we can do inventory here and get ahead on our books on Sunday.

Only you could turn a death into something depressing.

( chuckles ) Speaking of something depressing.

I just came by to let you know you're late for the diner, and you know, Max, I had a working brunch with Gary, and he made a good point as he pretended to reach for the check.

He said it was unfair of me to bring up your problems without offering a solution.

You need to talk to your father.

Han, you are really overstepping your boundaries, which is really rude, because that's my job.

Uh, it's fine.

Yeah, go ahead, Han.

Try and find my father.

I don't know his name, where he lives, or where he gets dialysis, I'm assuming.

So good luck with that.

Here's his name and number.

He lives in Rhode Island, America's least exciting state.

How did you find that?

That is way over the line, and I really wish it was me who had done it.

Unlike Max in high school, it wasn't easy.

I called the hospital for her birth certificate, which led me to the hall of records, which then led me to some forced necking with a clerk named Shelley.

Sadly, it was a dead end.

So Gary got it for me.

His sister's a psychic for the police.

So are you gonna call your dad after all that hard work Han and I did to find his number?

I don't know.

This is a huge decision, and I really want to think this through.

Max, I think that's a really smart and mature decis...

Thought about it.

Okay, we're missing two bottles of tequila, but I did find a bloody Kn*fe, so that's a wrap on inventory.

Oh, thank God.

I've been k*lling myself with all this paperwork.

It took me 30 minutes to make this hat.

Max, I know what's really going on here.

You're trying to hide it by doing origami, but you're really thinking about contacting your dad.

Uh, actually, I was thinking about where I left my bloody Kn*fe, but you solved that mystery.

So now I'm thinking about wrestling.

Wrestling with your emotions?

No, with Jeremy Piven.

Short arms. I can take him.

Well, in the off-chance you do want to contact your father, I used my amazing jigsaw puzzle talents to put his number back together.

I was runner-up in Jigsaw Palooza 2003.

Oh, thank God.

Thank you, Caroline... for letting me rip this up again.

You know, I hate to say this, but Han's not wrong.

How dare you?

Let me finish.

Maybe you do have some intimacy issues.

I mean, you haven't really dated anyone since Randy, and I still don't have a key to our apartment.

I gave you that screwdriver. It works.

You're not even a little curious to meet him?

I guess maybe a little.

Maybe it'll explain some of the more disturbing things about me, like how I prefer Cocoa Pebbles over Fruity Pebbles.

Yes! You can finally get those answers.

I say we go now, before you change your mind.

Should we steal some snacks from the diner before we steal Han's car?

Max: Earl, what are you doing here?

You know you're off today, right?

Uh, I forgot my weed here.

Then I smoked it.

And now it doesn't matter where I am.

♪ Squee, diddly-Doo ♪

I'm not working on my Gary-prescribed day off.

I just swung by to... to meet a friend... named Friendo.

He's Italian.

What are you doing here?

We're going to meet Max's dad.

Because of me.

It's my thing now.

So you're giving up your other thing?

Complimenting yourself while the customers starve?

Earl, why don't you come with?

I want my real dad to meet my birth dad.

Sure. Which one am I again?

Can I come too?

Gary would love to hear about the man responsible for my misery.

Isn't that the cartoonist who erased half your body?

Ugh, great.

Other looters got here first.

This is what happens when you stop for snacks on your way to stop for more snacks.

We're going for a romantic ride in the country.

We're looking for a farm where we can do it.

We were just gonna ask Han to drive us to Rhode Island, but this is better.

With your minivan, we can sit much further from the driver.

Rhode Island?

Are we gonna bury a dead body?

No, but I am coming, so don't get any ideas.

Well, I haven't been in a van with this many weirdos since the second time I got kidnapped.

All right, your dad just confirmed.

We're meeting him at 4:00 at the Rhode Island Diner.

Max's reunion with her father is really humming along since I took the reins from Han.

Don't kid yourself.

I laid the groundwork.

Don't kid yourself.

You've never laid anything.

Oleg, shouldn't we be getting off at the next exit?

Do you think we should exit at 33B, Misty?

Female electronic voice: Ooh, that exit is closed for construction, naughty boy.

Since we're having a day off from Barbara, I put the GPS on XXX.

Can't a woman just talk to you?

This is why we march.

How about a fun car game?

I spy with my little eye something that is black.

You better watch yourself, son.

No, I was referring to... pass.

Max, are you nervous?

You have that nervous metallic smell you get when you find out 7-Eleven's out of hot dogs.

No.

I keep a lot of nickels in these pants.

( screaming )

Sophie, are you okay?

Yeah, that's just how I wake up.

Are you okay?

Female electronic voice: Ooh, ah!

Bear right at the next exit.

Just like that.

Don't stop!

Okay, Misty.

I think I went to hair school with your GPS.

Female electronic voice: Object ahead. Slow down, big boy.

( muffled thump )

Uh-oh, I hit a squirrel or John Travolta's toupee.

Either way, its legs are still moving.

( screaming )

Oh, gosh.

I must have fallen asleep again.

♪

Hey, Han?

How do you say "hang in there" in squirrel?

( chittering )

I learned it on Zoboomafoo.

Sophie, next time you scoop up a wounded animal with a donut box, make sure everyone's had one first.

Aww, he's resting comfortably on a cruller.

Living my dream, buddy.

He won't die, right?

It's illegal to k*ll squirrels in the Ukraine.

Ever since Putin had them trained as spies.

There's an animal hospital nearby.

Put the address in the sexy GPS lady.

I don't care where we go, I just want to hear what she does when we arrive at our destination.

Not to be that person, but I'm in charge now, and this trip is about Max meeting her dad, not saving a squirrel's life.

( gasps )

Squirrel hater!

( all shouting )

Let's just take him with us.

If this diner's anything like ours, there'd be tons of other rodents for him to play with.

Female electronic voice: Your destination is in 4,800 inches.

I had her convert everything to inches.

Makes our trip sound bigger, doesn't it?

We should plan a march.

( upbeat music )

Table for, uh... for two.

And the cast of American Horror Story: Minivan will be in a separate booth.

Ooh, do you mind?

I'm pretty hungry.

My donut is covered in squirrel slobber.

You can't bring outside food in here.

It's not food.

It's a severely injured squirrel.

All right, well, sit wherever.

Just don't let it out of the box.

Do you see that, Earl?

He's firm but fair.

You look like a young Earl.

No, I'm Steve.

That was young Earl's name!

Hey, everybody!

Uh, I'm just going in.

I told your dad to look for a pretty blonde girl whose hair is a little longer than a bob but shorter than shoulder-length.

Oh, I forgot to tell him what you look like.

Well, I have no idea what he looks like.

I always imagined Louis CK, but not as hot.

Maybe you do have daddy issues.

On the plus side, we will never like the same guy.

Gary says when Max sees her dad, she's going to get very emotional.

She could get happy, then sad.

Basically, hide your forks.

( squirrel chattering )

Oh.

He peed again.

Oh, Lord, am I peeing?

But these are my best pants.

He peed so much, he turned this donut box into a pool.

He's really putting the "ew" in cruller.

Max, if you want privacy when your dad gets here, I can go sit in that other booth.

Can you do that now?

Look alive, everyone!

It's the moment we've always been waiting for.

At least since Tuesday, when Gary suggested it.

Then I took over.

Max, make sure you look at me when you hug him.

Oh, that guy? I hope not.

No daddy, no daddy, no daddy.

What was wrong with him?

( sighs ) Besides his jeans, arms, legs, face, and overall vibe?

You know it would be bad if you were attracted to him, right?

♪

You know, I was a cashier when I was your age.

Yeah? What do you do now?

Cashier.

( laughs )

But this is just temporary.

Temporary.

No, I have actual dreams.

Dreams.

No, seriously, man.

I play saxophone.

Saxophone.

I quit.

Attaboy.

You know, Han, you should get your chef to make flapjacks like this.

He does enough flapping and jacking on his own.

I think this squirrel's asleep.

He's snoring and clutching his nuts.

Aww, just like you do.

Han, will you watch the squirrel so we can just have one minute to ourselves?

No, I'm watching the door for Max's... how do I put this nicely?

"Monster who left her as a child."

He's gonna be here.

Why am I so positive?

The only reason I know where my dad is is 'cause he's in prison.

Ooh, live one coming in.

This guy looks like he's missed a few soccer games.

If that jabroni is him, tell him I'm not here.

Max, one of these losers is gonna be your dad.

I mean, we're in Rhode Island.

I'm gonna get a quick refill.

I got it, hon. I'm in the industry.

Caroline, I'm starting to think he's not going to show.

You really screwed the pooch this time.

Me?

Yeah, this is your thing now.

You took the reins, remember?

You're Trevor Noah, and I'm Jon Stewart.

I've got my Emmys.

I'm done now.

Well, you started this.

And after I finally got her over Randy.

The night terrors just stopped.

I was terrified of her at night.

You can sleep with a cheap Taser now.

I already do.

For the same reason!

Quiet!

The squirrel is sleeping.

We just got him down.

And we'd like to make out.

I spilled a lot of syrup on myself.

Let's just wake Earl up and get out of here.

My dad's not coming.

( snoring )

Maybe your dad's still on his way.

I heard traffic's building up on all the expressways.

Kind of an ironic name, wouldn't you say?

"Expressway"?

More like "slow-way."

This is Caroline's thing.

Let's just go.

I want to get back before Cinnabon gives away their day-olds.

You know we own a dessert bar, right?

Maybe he's still gonna come.

If I know one thing about the man I know nothing about, he is not coming.

Are you disappointed?

No.

A little.

But maybe it's for the best he didn't come.

This is why I didn't want to meet him, because whoever comes through that door is just gonna disappoint me.

And this way, I get to imagine he's someone cool, like Burt Reynolds or Captain Crunch.

So you're really okay?

Yeah.

We had a great day.

Road trip, met a cool squirrel.

I don't need another loser in my life.

I have you guys.

Gary!

Max's father didn't show.

How does that make me feel?

Terrible!

I don't think Han's handling it as well as I am.

Honestly, if it were my thing, I would want to k*ll myself right now.

She's hurt, and she's family to me.

How does that make me feel?

Like I should have gone to an out-of-network doctor!

God, I made Han have a meltdown on my day off.

You calm down, Gary!

I won't count to ten.

You count to ten, you b*st*rd!

Hey, welcome to the, uh... hey, uh, what the hell is this place called, anyway?

Oh, my God.

Dad!

Hold on, Gary.

A vagrant that could very well be Max's father just walked in.

Pretend you're my dad, and I'll give you 40 bucks.

Throw in a joint, and we have a deal.

Maybe you are my dad.

Oh, no, I don't have kids.

Too much pot.

( laughs )

Guys, this is my dad.

I'm the hot girl's dad.

Was anyone else expecting a cop?

I mean, you know, for the irony.

I'm Caroline.

See, it's, like, not a bob, but it's not shoulder-length.

I'm responsible for this reunion.

Um, he's not really my dad.

I'm doing this for Han.

All right, everybody.

Uh, my dad and I have had a heartwarming reunion, and now he has to get to a secret mission.

In an exotic locale.

Sure.

But I can't leave the county.

Sure. Local secret mission.

Hey, you seem like a nice kid.

Your father should be proud.

Thanks.

Sorry about the outburst, Gary.

You know it stems from my mother's expectations.

( exhales ) Thanks for doing this, Han.

Anyone in the hug business?

I didn't even flinch.

We are making progress.

You coming, Earl?

Sure am.

Don't want to get stuck being a cashier my whole life.

Sophie: Oleg, you forgot the damn squirrel.

Come on, little guy.

We don't abandon anybody.

( cash register bell dings )