03x09 - Golden Globes Party

[bunniefuu]

Five bucks says Best Actor or Actress dedicates their Golden Globe to the troops.

I'll bet you ten someone rolls their R too hard talking about a foreign film.

Five bucks says they cut to the wrong person of color at least twice.

Where are we watching this year?

Jerusha's ovulating, so we'll probably just have it on in the background on a TV on a dresser.

( all groan )

If anyone wants to come to the hospital, I'll be watching with Jerry.

Pass.

Guys, what are you talking about?

We're going to do it at my place, like always.

Mm...

You're doing it this year?

Uh, yeah, why wouldn't I?

( All stammer )

You don't have to.

That's unnecessary.

I think everybody just thought you weren't going to have the party this year, you know, with your marriage croaking and all.

What? I am perfectly capable of throwing a party by myself.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

I am!

You guys, it's going to be great.

I'm going to barbecue.

You know, Adam was kind of the barbecue guy, right?

I mean, that brisket?

So smoky.

That sauce?

I know where to get the sauce... that's easy.

You really don't have to do this.

You can host a party next year, when your life isn't in shambles.

You guys, my life is not in shambles.

He didn't mean shambles.

He meant your life has fallen to pieces.

What do you think shambles are? They're pieces.

Shambles implies more of a disaster-wreckage situation.

Um, I'll tell you who deserves an award for "Life Least in Shambles".

Oh, Rooney Mara.

Yes.

She is k*lling it.

Yes, love her. Also, me.

Guys, Rooney Mara's family owns two NFL teams.

She was born on third base.

That's baseball.

I know sports!

I've got it! Tatters. Amy's life is in tatters.

( upbeat music )

( doorbell rings )

Oh, Dina. You're three hours early.

Yeah. I came to help you set up.

It's what best friends do.

Oh! We're best friends.

Yeah!

Well, I mean, I'm yours. You're my number four.

And technically, I count twins as one person.

Come on in.

Oof, guess we are going to have to prioritize this.

Why don't you tackle the walls?

And I'll try to do something about that smell.

Where's the white vinegar and ammonia kept?

There's no smell. It smells like a regular house.

This is classic us.

I try to improve you, you fight it.

Ultimately, you submit and are better for it.

I also wouldn't wear this.

Yeah, no, I'm not wearing sweats to my party.

Great! We are going to make a swan out of you yet.

( pats back )

Okay, why don't you go change?

And I will do a quick vibrator sweep.

Ugh, I'm overdressed.

I thought going to a Golden Globes party was like, you dress for the Golden Globes.

I think you look nice.

I'm just nervous, you know?

I mean, I feel like I'm still not part of the group.

No, no, you're part of the group.

It's like if this was the Scooby Doo g*ng, you would be Scrappy Doo... a late addition, but everybody loved him.

Everyone hated Scrappy Doo.

He only got to hang out with them because he was related to Scooby.

Whoa, somebody's overdressed.

I've seen less sparkles at a pride parade.

Did you notice?

( whispering ) All the photos of Adam are gone.

Yeah, creepy.

Everyone enjoying themselves?

Party pretty shambles-free so far?

( chuckles ) It's fine.

Yeah, it's cool.

What are you drinking?

I'm having a rum and coke.

Ah-ah! I don't think that's what it's called.

I'm having a Master of Rum.

There you go! Master of Rum! Ha!

I'm going to go fill up my Handmaid's Ale.

( laughs ) That's a clever name.

( rap music playing over car stereo )

♪

( crash, car alarm blaring )

Oh!

Ooh!

Amy!

Glenn! Jerusha! I'm so glad...

Amy, so sorry to hear about Adam.

Oh, it's okay. It's fine. It's great, actually.

You know, sometimes when you aren't happy, it's better to be divorced than to stay in the marriage.

Yeah, that's why we...

A lot of people are happier after they get divorced than when they were married.

Yeah, no, I know...

Like Jennifer Lopez.

I read an article.

I read it, too.

I read it, then he read it.

Totally.

Yeah, that's very interesting.

Oh, I made you... a hummingbird.

Wow.

Jerusha has a knack for finding the perfect animal for anybody's personality.

I do, I do.

I'm a Labrador.

Well, thank you. Thanks.

I am going to put that where people put things like this.

Unfortunately, we can't stay long, 'cause we have to go home early to... make a baby.

Well, we're going to try, Together, the two of us, with his, in my...

Jerusha.

♪ Let's get real, let's get heavy ♪
♪ Till the water breaks the levy, let's get loose. ♪

Oh, my God, you know who I saw at the gas station the other day?

Who?

Mustard man.

No!

( snooty voice ) How was he?

( snooty voice ) Yes, was he pumping petrol?

( snooty voice ) Where might I find the ah-loo-minium?

( snooty voice ) Right next to the vit-ah-mins.

( laughing ) Who is this?

Uh, it was from before you started.

It was this guy that used to come in all the time.

And... and he liked mustard?

( mockingly ) And he liked mustard?

Are you making fun of us?

Oh, no.

No, he was just, like, um, this, like, old, fancy guy.

You know, like from the Grey Poupon commercials.

( snooty voice ) Uh, pardon me, but do you have any bags of mulch?

He sounded exactly like that.

I don't think I've seen that commercial.

Yeah, yeah, you have. It's from the '90s.

The Grey Poupon commercial.

Mm-mm.

How have you never seen the Grey Poupon commercial?

I don't know. But it sounds funny.

( laughs awkwardly )

It wasn't.

( sighs )

It wasn't.

( exhales sharply )

Oh, no.

No.

So it took all three frogs to say "Budweiser"?

The sounds they made together was "Budweiser."

It wasn't that they were saying it.

Those were just the sounds that they made as frogs.

I-I don't know how to explain any more, okay?

But people in America thought it was pretty darn impressive, so...

It was, like, a really big commercial.

Is this like a "Mannequin" situation?

Um, hey. Jonah, could I get your help for a minute?

Uh, yeah, sure. Um, I'll be right back.

( wacky voice ) Whassup?

Whassup?

Whassup?

You remember that one.

Oh, yeah.

Right?

So I put the food on the grill three hours ago.

Turns out there was nothing in the propane t*nk, so...

Mm. We could present it as tartare?

Okay, relax. You're putting too much pressure on the food.

People aren't here to eat barbecue.

They're here to hang out and watch the Globes.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, you're right.

Amy, um, your TV's not working.

No.

No.

I don't get it.

Why do you have all these remotes that do absolutely nothing?

I mean, this is a straight-up calculator.

Oh!

You have another calculator.

You have a third calculator in here.

I mean, they're useful.

Hey, have you tried unplugging it and then plugging it back in?

That always worked on my aunt's breathing machine.

Why don't you just call Adam?

I'm not going to call up my ex and ask him, "How do I turn on the TV?" That would be weird.

It could be the thing that brings you back together.

Men love a woman in need.

When Glenn and I were dating, I faked a lot of heart att*cks.

( laughs ) "Oh, my God, don't die, don't die."

That's how we got to first base.

Oh, my God, I can't even with this.

Okay, I'm going to go watch it at home.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Please stay.

Emma knows how to fix the TV. I'll just call her real quick.

Nobody go anywhere.

Oh, Amy, you remember Jerry.

Uh, yeah. Jerry, hi. You made it.

It's his first time out since the coma, so...

Say hi, Jerry.

Just give him one second. He's got it.

Hi, Jerry.

( Sandra laughs )

Oh.

I heard "Amy."

( giggles ) Good job!

Great.

That's really good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's doing good. That was really good.

( car alarm blaring )

We're doing this.

We can park this car.

Yes. Crank it... Oh.

Okay, one more time, one more time.

People are getting antsy.

Maybe we should just order pizza...

No, we're not ordering pizza.

I can't have the TV not work and not do the barbecue.

That plays right into this "shambles" narrative.

And we're just pretending your life is fine?

Yes. I mean, it is.

That was good, I believed that.

Okay, I'm just going to microwave it.

Oh, no, no, no, no I don't think that's...

That's probably not going to be very appetizing.

It's fine, we'll just put sauce on it.

How thick is the sauce?

Who are you wearing?

Oh, I don't know. ( Chuckles )

I can check the label.

It doesn't matter. I don't know designers.

I'm Jerusha.

Kelly.

I feel like I overdressed.

When I saw you across the room, I thought you were a prost*tute.

That's a compliment.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

I'm going to make you... a squirrel.

Some people think squirrels are just rats, but they're not.

Ok...

It was nice talking to you.

The reception in this area is horrible.

Must be the old magnet factory.

Oh, okay.

I hope everyone's hungry, 'cause the meat looks real meaty.

Hey, Amy, what's your Wi-Fi password?

Oh, um, I don't know it.

You don't know your own password?

No, because Adam made the password, and I can't remember it, and you have to have a password to get online to change the password, and I don't have the password, so I can't do that.

Ugh, you know what?

We should just all go to P.F. Chang's and watch it there.

No, no, no!

No, then you're going to miss all my snarky comments about the dresses.

Oh, you mean when you say the person just looks like whatever fruit the color of the dress is?

Remember, last time, when Natalie Portman looked like a sexy banana, and I was like, "Girl, go on with your banana self"?

( laughs )

( laughs ) Let's go.

♪ You can do it, put your back into it. ♪
♪ You can do it, put your ( smack ) into it. ♪
♪ You can do it, put your back in to it. ♪

Wait. What... No, what is that?

Hmm?

What are you doing?

We got to go... right now. Sorry.

No, no, no, dinner's almost ready.

Oh, yeah, no, it's a great Golden Globes party.

Thank you. And it's going to be even better when you get the food and the Golden Globes on.

No, but once you leave, then everyone else is going to think it's okay to leave.

Yeah, I know, but Jerusha is ovulating right now.

Amy, I don't know how many good eggs she has left, you know, what, with her age and all that line dancing.

I'm sorry.

No.

Do it here.

What?

Do it here.

I-I couldn't.

Yes, you can. Why not?

Please, Glenn, please.

If you've ever cared about me ever, then go have s*x on my bed...

As many times as you want.

( breathes heavily )

How about a game, huh?

Who wants to play Crazy Scabies?

Floor Shorts?

I guess there is enough of us, we could play Hassle the Fishmonger, but we'd have to move the couch.

Yeah, no one's ever heard of any of those games.

Seriously? None of you?

Well, what did you do as kids when your mom was out with the men from the bank?

Hey, guys, Kelly knows a game that she can teach everybody.

What we played at your sister's.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. ( Chuckles )

All right, so the game is called Answers.

And you can only ask questions, or you can only reply with questions.

Now, if you answer a question or you question an answer, then you lose points.

And you can only make it to the next round once everybody has put in their bid or an overture...

You know what?

Actually, we could just maybe start playing the game, and everybody will get it as we go.

I'm already annoyed. Is that part of the game?

Two points! ( Chuckles )

Oh, boy, and now Elias gets three points because he located the conductor!

I thought I was the conductor.

No, no! Ahh! You gave it away.

Oh, that was a secret?

Does anyone understand this game?

Two questions in a row, I call Founder. Triple Bridge.

Jerry gets it.

Okay, but why am I holding hands with Brett?

I don't know. I didn't ask you to do that.

This is fun. This game is fun.

This party is fun. Fun game, fun party.

Fun everything! Everything is fun now.

It's still fun, because it was fun before.

We could still play Floor Shorts.

All I need is 14 pairs of shorts and a 12-sided die.

Okay, I came here to watch the Globes, not sit around starving in some sad, divorced woman's house.

Brett, let go of my hand!

Guys, if we take off right now, we can still get spots at the Chang's bar before the dads on dates get there.

Thank you.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

Emma's going to be here in, like, five minutes.

She's going to fix the TV.

And also, the food's almost ready.

And the food is going to be, like, so good.

Like, P.F. Chang's "get out of here" good.

Chang's level? Come on, girl.

Nobody move!

Sit the ( bleep ) down!

Garrett, wheel it back in!

Now, we all committed to coming here and having fun!

So we are going to have fun!

Stop complaining, and start enjoying yourselves right now!

It's a great time.

( thumping )

( rap music playing over car stereo )

( horn honks )

( crying ) Just go around!

I'm trying to park my car.

I don't even care. I didn't want to go to the party.

This is like a hostage situation.

I mean, we can't leave. They're denying us food.

Not allowed to watch the Golden Globes.

I hope they're done before Emma gets here.

Emma's not coming! She never was.

We're on our own.

Can someone please just start talking?

I don't care what it is... it could be literally anything, just as long as it's at a raised volume.

That would be ideal.

( thumping )

I met God.

Okay.

Black guy.

( objects clattering )

Okay.

Okay, that looks good, right?

( shuddering ) Oh, yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, yeah.

Voilà.

Pulls it all together.

Yeah, that's what it needed.

( Jerusha giggling )

Hey, g*ng. With Jerusha's help, I was able to fix the broken table in, um, the bedroom there.

It was broken. It was the front left leg.

Yeah. It was a two-person job, so the two... the two of us did it.

We did it, together.

It was a big solid oak leg.

So...

( upbeat rock music playing )

Father God, we thank You for this meal we're about to enjoy.

We ask You to bless it with Your light.

Father God, we pray that all our efforts are rewarded and that this food replenishes our spent and tired bodies.

Amen Amen.

Father God.

That was beautiful, Jerusha!

Yeah, nice and tight.

Okay, great. Well, who is ready for some B-B-Q?

All: Yeah... oh.

Don't be shy. I know you guys are starving.

So dig in. Garrett?

Uh, what, me? Wow, thank you.

Um, I am so hungry, I am.

But I am going to start with the bread.

This coleslaw looks yummy.

Yeah, coleslaw, me too!

Great. Uh, meat, anyone? Sandra, would you like a rib?

Um, brisket? Some... bawk-bawk... chicken?

I filled up on water before I came.

Ugh, always do that.

Well, I can't wait, because this is the best sauce in all of St. Louis.

I was surprised they had any, usually they're sold out, so...

Mmm!

That sauce is...

The more you chew, the better it is.

Anybody want any meat?

Nobody? Really? Nobody?

Nobody wants meat?

I'll take some.

Aren't you vegan?

Uh, yeah, just for, like, 20 years.

But when I see meat that looks that delicious, I have to make an exception.

No, Dina, you don't have to eat that.

Ugh.

Oh, yeah.

I guess this is what he used to stand on.

They just took off the little foot.

I'm going to eat a bird now.

I'm going to eat a bird now.

I'm gonna...

( all groan )

Wow, but is it worth it for that taste!

( pained laughter ) Yum!

( toilet flushing )

Dina?

Are you okay in there?

I'm fine!

Just, um, save some of that sinewy meat, 'cause I'm going to want round two.

( sighs )

( sighs ) Guys, look, this party is a bust.

You guys were right. My... my life is... is in shambles.

Aw, sweetie.

Of course it is.

Hey, come on, y-you're overreacting.

So dinner was a little messed up, and the TV doesn't work.

At a party where the two things you're supposed to do is eat dinner and watch TV.

Okay, yeah, but, you know, it's not like somebody d*ed or something.

That's how you judge the success of a party... no fatalities.

Two people d*ed at my prom. We had it on a boat.

It was really sad.

And yet you kept the dress.

( exhales sharply )

Just give yourself a break.

You've never been on your own before.

It takes some getting used to.

Yeah, it's like, Jerry basically had to relearn everything.

He thought it would never get any better, but he already knows the difference between wet and dry.

( gasps ) See? You're going to be just fine.

A woman from my church got divorced because she married a man from Facebook.

It turns out he was already married to several other women and one man from Singapore.

Took all her money. It was on "Dateline."

At least you're not on "Dateline."

( sighs ) Yeah.

Hey, Amy.

I'd say something supportive 'cause you're my friend, but that's not what I do.

I understand.

Bye.

Bye.

Sorry about the... everything.

It's...

Thank you for having us.

We're going to wash your sheets.

It's just something we like to do after parties.

Keep them.

( giggles )

( sighs ) Do you want to go to Chang's?

We can watch the losers give drunken interviews at the after-parties.

Mm. Want to come?

Kelly, you want to come?

Oh, I thought you were... Am I invited?

Yeah, that's why I said, "Kelly, you want to come?"

I would love that. Thanks.

Uh, hey...

( clears throat ) You guys want to hit up Chang's?

The whole g*ng's going. You feel like coming?

Oh, um, no, I-I got a lot of meat to eat, and, I, um... I got to clean up and...

You sure?

Yeah.

Um, pro tip... throw the microwave away.

Yeah, I'm thinking I'm just going to move.

( laughs ) We should do this more often.

Yeah, next weekend, same chicken.

Hey.

Hi.

Garrett was like, "Kelly, you coming?"

Oh, see? Scrappy Doo!

( laughs )

♪ Love hurts, love scars ♪
♪ Love wounds...♪

The Globes may be over, but the party is just getting started.

Yes!

From the snubs to the OMG moments, we've got you covered.

Stay tuned for exclusive interviews...

Hey, you're still here.

Yeah.

Did you take a shower?

Oh, trust me, you would not have wanted me to take a bath.

With some people tweeting # r*cist.

Hey, you fixed it! Look who's crawling out of rock bottom.

Let's see what she has to say about taking home a trophy.

Hey, thank you for trying to help me.

It's what I do.

How did it feel to be up on that stage there tonight?

I'm going to need to borrow some bottoms... also some tops.