03x21 - Aftermath

[bunniefuu]

I'm pregnant.

You're... pregnant?

With... a baby?

Sorry, obviously that's... um.

Uh, who...

Uh, it's Adam.

Oh, yeah, Adam. Adam.

It was just a... it was a one-time thing.

How's... how's Adam doing?

He's... he's good.

Great, great. That's... tell him I said hi.

Um.

( stammering )

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that.

I don't know.

Why did you kiss me?

I just... I wanted to.

Before everything changed.

( scoffs ) I can't even...

You know what?

No. Forget it.

Nope.

Uh-uh.

( upbeat music )

( gentle music )

Just a reminder that it's still Haitian Heritage Month.

So if you have a customer and you think they might be Haitian, feel free to offer them a sticker.

Also, it is Mother's Day this weekend, and corporate says mothers are in this year.

So we're gonna be hitting that hard.

Well, that's it for the prepared announcements.

Now I'll open it up to the room, in case anyone has something they'd like to say.

Maybe about Mother's Day?

Well, my mom broke parole, so I think that this is gonna be the last...

No, Cheyenne.

Amy has the floor.

Oh.

Okay, I see.

Hey guys, I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God.

What?

Wow.

What?

Oh, my God, out of nowhere.

I know what you're thinking, but I only told, like, three people, so this is not on me.

It's fine. Everybody would have been able to tell soon anyway.

I guessed last week when you plowed through that pile of taquitos.

It wasn't a pile of taquitos.

It was a couple taquitos.

Don't worry. I couldn't tell.

Did you know?

No.

Mm-mm. No, I didn't know until just now.

( as Johnny Carson ) That is wild, and wacky stuff.

I did not know that. ( chuckles )

Well, I could tell already. I compared the pictures.

What pictures...

What pictures?

Oh! That explains why you didn't wanna come on my "Gossip Girl" bar crawl.

Uh-huh. That was why.

We have a lot of work to do, so let's just burn through all of this. Amy is pregnant.

The baby is Adam's. I was the first to know because I am her best friend, and, Justine, no one went to your bar crawl because you are unpleasant to be around.

Unpleasant in bed.

( all groan )

( chuckles )

Lame.

I'm gonna give it to her.

Nice one.

Thank you.

( Simple Plan's "Welcome to my Life" )

♪ To be like me ♪
♪ To be hurt, to feel ♪

Attention Cloud 9 shoppers. This weekend is Mother's Day.

I don't know your mother, but given what women have gone through this past year I think it's pretty safe to say, she needs this.

Hey.

Hey.

So, um, we should probably talk.

Honestly, it's fine.

I'm all good, really. Nothing to talk about.

( clears throat ) Okay.

Um, but, you know, if we were gonna talk, I might say something like, "Ah, I was in a weird place emotionally and..."

But we're not gonna talk, right?

So no need to do this.

( strained breathing )

There, that looks right.

( sighs ) I'm gonna go help Kelly.

Hey, you.

And something else you might want to know is, ( imitates trumpet fanfare ) Amy's pregnant!

Um, "quarterly reports" really mainly just refers to the financials.

I don't know who Amy is.

The floor manager.

I'm her best friend.

So.

Okay.

Uh, few things on our end: we're figuring out which store will host the next CEO Town Hall meeting, and with your story of rebuilding after the tornado, you guys are on the short list.

Oh. So, the CEO may come to this store that we're in right now?

That's... interesting.

If he needs a place to stay, he can have my master bedroom.

Jerusha and I could share Timur's trundle bed.

My place is quieter.

Do you know what kind of shampoo he uses?

I usually make my own.

My guess is that he would stay at a hotel, but for now, if you could send us a photo of your team, that would help with promotional materials.

We'll get you 100 photos.

1,000!

One's good.

Attention Cloud 9 shoppers, we have a bit of an emergency...

Garrett! Garrett! We need to make an announcement.

I'm in the middle of something right now.

This is urgent! Attention, employees.

We need you to assemble in the front of the store for a group photo in ten minutes.

Give me that.

And look sharp!

We... no! We have a chance to have CEO, Neil Penderson, in our store!

This is not a prank.

Neil! Penderson!

As I was saying, there's a missing child.

His name is Caden. He has brown hair, is eight years old, and is wearing overalls.

So, uh, I guess those two things.

Group photo. Missing kid.

Hey, yo, Amy!

Heard you got a baby all up in them guts.

Yeah, congrats.

Thank you.

Mad props on not getting scooped out.

Choose life y'all, what's up? ( imitates horn )

Okay.

We brought you some of Harmonica's old baby stuff we were gonna give to Goodwill.

Then we were like, why deal with the middle man when we can just do the charity right onto you?

Oh, okay. Thank you.

But I'm not a charity case.

Oh, there's some good stuff in here.

Oh, that baby. That's a good baby.

Oh, it's clean.

It's clean.

Oh!

Look, so cute.

Aw, that's sweet.

Little bitch. Oh.

But what if it's a boy then?

It's like a pretty funny slam on him.

( laughs ) Little bitch.

All right.

Yeah.

( Devo's "Working in a Coal Mine" )

♪ I've been working in a coal mine ♪
♪ Goin' down, down ♪

Okay, everyone, I need your shirts tucked and your guts sucked.

Pretty people up front. Uggos in the back.

Um, Glenn.

Hm?

Could I be in the picture?

Oh, I wish that you could, Sandra, but somebody's got to take the picture.

Maybe next year.

Okay, it's just that I was the one who took it last year and the year before that.

Did you change for this?

I want to shine.

Is it a crime to shine?

I like it. You look like a car freshener.

Thank you.

Okay, Heather.

Sweetie, get some self-esteem.

Come up to the front. Amanda, way back.

Like you're going for a fly ball.

Jonah, you're gonna show off your tight little bod right here.

This is more uncomfortable than flattering.

Half-pint, right there.

Oh, how big of a smile do you want?

It hurts a little, but I can show all of my teeth.

Let's go with all the teeth.

Single mother, Rodriguez. Here we go.

They can't tell I'm single in a photo, Dina.

Sure.

Okay, now let's look like a family.

Okay, everyone put your arms around each other.

Okay.

Yeah.

Jonah, both arms. Pregnancy's not contagious.

Have you two never taken a picture?

Some of us have to pee.

Okay, we're ready! Let's do this!

That's the spirit.

Okay, everyone. Big smiles.

There's a spot open in the middle.

I could set a timer and run in and...

Nope! I got it!

Oh, okay.

I guess that works too.

Okay, here we go.

That is a group photo. Of our group.

Yeah, doesn't exactly scream "CEO."

It seems fine to me.

Exactly.

It's just fine. That's a good way of putting it.

That's not what I meant.

You know what?

I just don't feel anything when I look at it.

I want to see tornado survivors.

Right! Like on "CNN Heroes," you get a sense of the struggle.

This doesn't feel like "CNN Heroes."

Well, this is a still image, and that's a television show.

You know, I agree with Garrett.

We should be doing a TV show.

Not what I said.

Oh, my God.

I bet none of the other stores are doing a TV show.

That seems excessive.

Excess leads to success.

Well, that rhymes.

Well, drop your concerns, Ken Burns. Let's do this!

Nice.

( laughter )

Oh, hey, Amy.

Did you drop that $20 bill?

Uh, nope, that's not mine.

Oh.

Well, I mean, you saw it first, so finders keepers.

No, I didn't. You found it.

Why don't you just keep it.

Mateo, thank you. That's very kind of you.

But I don't really need handouts.

Handouts? I don't even know what you're talking about.

Someone dropped that there. I don't know who.

Oh, damn. Lucky day!

No, that's mine!

What? No, it's mine now.

It's mine! It's mine!

I just found it. It's mine.

I put it there for Amy to find, Bo.

Amy doesn't need charity.

( both yelling )

I licked it! It's mine.

No, I'll lick it.

Where did that come from?

I just wanted to kiss you.

I might do it again sometime.

I'll considered myself warned.

Excuse me.

Where can I find the dog food?

Oh, I'll show you.

We'll show you together.

Hm.

Oh, um, th... we're...

Okay.

Cheyenne, tell us what you remember about the day the tornado hit.

Um.

Okay, I remember I had Chipotle for breakfast.

And the guy who made my burrito was like really creepy, but kind of in a hot way.

He was like, ( deep voice ) "What kind of protein do you want?"

( giggling ) And I was like, "Carnitas."

No, more... what was it like here?

At work. In the store.

Did you think you were going to die?

Yeah, totally.

Could you say that as a complete sentence?

Uh, sure.

( clears throat ) I thought I was gonna die.

Cheyenne, we're getting nothing.

Okay? If you thought you were gonna die, maybe act like it.

Oh, okay, yeah, I can act like that, okay.

I remember coming... ( coughs )

( strained voice ) Sorry.

I remember coming into... ( coughs ) to work.

Are you okay?

( coughing )

Ah. I'm sorry. I just...

Oh, my God, it feels like my throat is closing up.

( coughing ) Oh, God.

I think someone poisoned my drink.

Oh, my skin is on fire.

( pained yelling )

I think we got it.

It's not like I walked in planning to kiss you.

Can we not do this now? I'm working.

I can take you over here.

Sorry, ma'am, he's closed.

You can't just not talk to me.

I'm not not talking to you.

I just don't want to talk about yesterday.

We can talk about anything else.

You want to talk about SpaceX, I'm in.

Uh, okay.

I think it's really gross that only rich people get to go to space, and also it's like, focus on Earth problems before we set up shop on Mars.

Interesting. Counterpoint.

Okay, I don't really want to talk about this.

I want to talk about yesterday.

Well I don't, okay? Ma'am.

It's fine.

No, still closed, ma'am.

Thanks.

Okay ( groans ) fine.

I got two minutes until my break. Go.

Um, uh, okay well um, obviously there are... feelings... I mean, not obviously.

I guess seemingly.

I just really didn't think this would be a one-sided conversation.

Look, what I want to say...

Hey Ames.

Hi, Adam.

Adam's here.

I see that.

Hey, Adam. Uh, congratulations.

Thanks, man.

Congratulations on what?

♪

Uh. So what are you doing here?

You left a message saying we needed to talk in person.

I meant, like, after work.

You said it was urgent. I needed batteries anyways.

So I thought since you get a discount.

Well, I can't really use my discount on friends, so...

Bigger fish to fry. Look, Adam.

Can we talk about this later? It's kind of a long story.

Yo, Amy. I left that baby stuff by your locker.

Now that you're pregnant, it's no time to be stingy.

That guy's got great timing.

You're pregnant?!

I'm sor... who is?

No, not...

( Both ) No, no, no, no, no.

Of course not.

No, not with Jonah.

No, don't worry. It's... it's yours.

Okay, good. What?

Yep. Surprise.

I'm sorry. How did this even...

I mean, I know how it... wow.

I know. It's a lot to take in.

It just... this is not how I planned on telling you that I'm pregnant.

Who's pregnant?

Damn it.

I think we should invest in some dividers or something.

What's going on?

Who is this guy?

Um.

This is... this is Alex, our beverage rep.

Or I mean, and other things, but we just haven't really discussed labels.

Well, I'll let you guys all talk.

No, no, no, no. You're fine where you are.

I will move back in with you if you want.

What?

Wow.

Hold up. Who is this guy?

Are you dating him too?

No, no.

No, this is my ex-husband.

And we're having a baby together.

And maybe getting remarried.

Oh, my God.

Well, you've got your hands full.

So I'm gonna take my break now.

No, I just really want to finish our talk.

We can talk about SpaceX another time.

No, we can't.

Not at the rate that they're burning through capital.

Um, I can't find my mommy.

Grownups are talking.

Hey, I'll help you find your mommy.

What kind of beverages?

It runs the gamut.

I love beverages.

( voice breaking ) We were all so scared.

And I made a promise to myself that day that if I survived, I would let the people that I love know how much they mean to me.

Every. Day.

( sobbing )

Okay, Mateo, you seem to be hitting the drama a little hard.

Oh ( scoffs ) okay.

You said you wanted emotion. I gave you emotion.

Well, maybe less emotion.

All right, got it. No problem.

( deep voice ) It was chaos. People screaming.

Debris flying everywhere like locusts.

I started my shift a boy.

But I clocked out a man...

Okay, that's good.

That's good. I think we've seen enough.

Moving on.

Gonna move on.

Wait, I'm sorry.

Okay? I'm trying to do it normal, but it's...

It was crazy when I think about that tornado.

You know, it's...

You think you know what it's like to be scared.

But then when you feel true fear for the first time, it envelopes you and crushes you.

But then it sort of comforts you.

Like a hug, and I... I don't know, it's hard to explain, but it...

Ugh.

( voice breaking ) Sorry.

( sniffling )

Aw.

Are you kidding me right now?!

( giggles ) Hey. What's happening?

Mm, sorry I can't talk right now.

I'm a blanket.

Oh. Hm, okay.

Can you maybe be a blanket that helps me stock body scrub?

Mm, blankets don't have hands.

( giggling ) Stop.

I, uh... I want to meet your parents.

Oh. Um...

I mean, it feels like we're getting serious, right?

Yeah. Well, I mean, yeah.

Okay, um, how about a Mother's Day brunch?

We doing brunch? I'm always down for brunch.

Oh, uh, it's just us.

Oh, okay. Well we should meet up afterwards.

I'm supposed to meet my mom later that day, but I can blow it off, so it's totally fine.

Hey, Alex, it's Carol from Cloud 9.

I got your number off of the vendor list.

I was the one that was vaping by the Dumpster last Thursday, and you said, "Are you vaping?"

And I said, "Yeah."

Anyway, I heard about the breakup, and I just wanted to say sorry.

So let me know if you ever want to go grab drinks or you can just come by for a massage or whatever.

So how did Alex take it?

Relatively well, I guess.

I mean, I don't know how you're supposed to take it when you find out the woman you're dating is pregnant with another man's child.

Oh, you should've asked me.

I've had that conversation multiple times.

Well, now that you're single again, you and I should start hanging out more.

We can call each other "slut" in like, the fun way.

Yeah, maybe.

I mean, Adam did offer to get back together, so we'll see.

You're back with Adam. Yay, Amy.

Well, no. Not really.

I mean, yes, he offered, but I'm not gonna do it.

I'm sorry. The father of your baby wants to step up?

Do you watch any daytime talk shows?

That never happens.

There's clearly still an attraction.

You did go back for seconds.

I wouldn't say no to a man offering to support me and my baby.

He can't support me.

He works part time at a PetSmart.

Which PetSmart?

The one on Balson.

Oh, that's the good one.

Oh, wow.

I bet with his discount you can get a lizard for like nothing.

I'm willing to pay full price for a lizard if it means I don't have to get back with my ex-husband.

I mean, I know it's not ideal, but given the choice between Adam and no one?

Okay, I don't really want to talk about this anymore.

So, uh, let's find something else to talk about.

Just one more thing.

Ames.

I thought a lot about this, and you being pregnant is not a deal breaker for me.

I may not be that baby's father, but I'm willing to step up and be its dad.

( exhales )

Thank you, Marcus. I'll let you know.

Okay, now two men are willing to be the father.

You are running out of sympathy points, girl.

♪

Can't you feel the electricity in the air?

It's like we're at a big movie premiere, and all the stars are here.

Dina Fox, who are you wearing?

Oh, this? Not sure, probably a nine-year-old Malaysian kid.

Do you want me to come up with a name?

Please don't.

Bong. It was Bong.

She did.

Show the movie.

Oh, okay.

( inspirational music )

♪

Okay, is this a movie or a book?

( chuckles )

I thought I was gonna die.

( echoing "die" )

Hey.

Hey.

You're missing the big movie premiere.

Yeah, I guess I'll just have to Netflix it.

( chuckles )

Look, I'm sorry if I reacted poorly yesterday.

I think I was just caught by surprise...

Look, could we maybe not do this right now?

I'm sorry. I just... it's been a really rough day.

And I don't know how much more I can take.

Okay.

What is that supposed to mean?

What? I said okay.

No. You said "o-kayyyy."

Well, it's just... it's a little annoying, you know.

You waited to talk to me all day, and when I'm ready, it's just like, "Nah."

It's what you want when you want it.

All right, well I don't know if you've noticed, Jonah, but I'm sort of going through some things.

Yeah, I get that. You know, I guess I'm just saying everybody has problems...

Oh, really?

What are your problems, Jonah?

Did the farmers market run out of your yogurt?

Or... oh, your "New Yorker" came late this month.

"The New Yorker" is weekly, and yeah, fine, okay.

Maybe you have a little more stuff than I do...

A little more stuff?

But that doesn't mean that you get to just dismiss anything I say.

This is what I'm talking about!

You love playing the martyr, but nobody gets to criticize you on your crap.

Are you really that pissed off that I kissed you?

No, I'm pissed off that I waited around for you for two years, and you waited until I was in a relationship and you were pregnant to kiss me.

Who asked you to wait around?

I don't even know what you're still doing here, Jonah.

You can leave whenever you want.

So could you, but we all know that's never gonna happen.

Here at Store 1217, we're a family, and we got through that day like a family.

Like a family.

Both: Like a family.

( Céline Dion's "Because You Loved Me" )

Yeah, totally.

♪

( applause )

( dinosaur roars )

That was so good.

That could seriously be on YouTube.

Guys, I would watch a show about us.

Me too. I want to show Bo.

He's never seen me in a video with clothes on.

After watching it, I got to say, a lot of the key choices were mine, so.

( Blondie's "Heart of Glass" )

♪
♪ Soon found out I was losing my mind ♪
♪

Oh, um, so my parents are in.

Cheesecake Factory on Sunday.

Or they like Buca Di Beppo too.

I don't know. What do you think?

I say we do both.

Throw in Panera, and it's a brunch crawl.

Perfect! ( Giggles )

I love you.

I think we should break up.