03x20 - Gender Reveal

[bunniefuu]

That's the face, nose, and that's the mouth.

It has a mouth! Oh, great.

Nobody does a fail video quite like a Russian.

Dina, take a look. It's perfect.

Yeah, it's fine.

Do you want to see it in 4-D?

Really?

Okay.

( both gasp )

What the ( bleep )?

Oh, it's a miracle.

Uh-huh.

( upbeat music )

The doctor says it's normal for the head to be so much bigger than the rest of the body.

I've heard that successful people have unusually large heads. Look at the Burger King.

Hmm.

Could they tell the s*x?

Well, the doctor wrote it down and put it in this envelope, so here goes nothing.

( clamoring )

Wait. You're gonna just do that right here?

You guys should do something special.

Jerry's whole family came to the hospital for his catheter removal.

The doctor even let his mom hold his pen1s while the nurse pulled out the tube.

Oh.

Or, we could get a cake, and then, when you slice into it, it's either pink or blue.

Or we could all get paintball g*ns, and sh**t each other, and the paint could either be blue or pink.

So we'd all be like, ah, ooh, it hurts, but you guys would like, ha ha.

( imitates g*nf*re )

It's a girl, bitch.

Funny to think that it has genitals, right?

It's like, I could have a stranger's tiny pen1s just whipping around inside me.

Sounds like my Saturday night.

( chuckles )

( all groan )

So what do you think? Is it gonna be a Glenn or a Glenda?

Ugh, Glenda would be rough.

If I was a boy, I was gonna be Donald.

( laughs ) Donald?

Yeah.

It just sounds like, I'm Don Sosa, and have I got a car for you.

Um, more like, and up next, batting for the Cardinals, number 34, Don Sosa!

Oh, no, no way.

( Italian accent ) I'm-a Don-a Sosa.

Please come to my villa so I may make-a love to you.

( Italian accent ) But I work at the Cloud 9.

Yes.

So we go to my tiny apartment, we make the love...

You come visit me, do not worry, do not you worry, you sit-a on-a my twin bed.

I'm-a make-a my roommate go away, he don't even looking.

Makea the love many times on the coupons.

I give you half off the love making.

( Both laugh )

All right, I should get back to...

I should go find Kelly.

You guys doing funny accents?

( as Nixon ) I am not a crook.

Ronald Reagan.

Uh, excuse me? Are you pregnant or just fat?

Pregnant.

Okay, good.

Uh, quick question, do you have any feelings of, I don't know, overwhelming panic and a desire to flee?

Is that your first?

Yeah.

Well, technically it's not mine.

It's my boss's.

Uh, okay.

Uh, little advice. Get the C-section.

With my first, I was in labor for 36 hours.

Finally, I bit off part of my tongue, I passed out...

Sorry, didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I had a C-section. Not great.

They couldn't get my uterus back in after, and they had to just keep shoving and punching it in like an overstuffed duffel.

I had to have twins.

Breech birth, in the back of an Altima.

Some EMT cut me from hole to hole.

Nope. Nope. Absolutely not.

Justine, we need pink and blue balloons.

Heather, you're on mason jars.

And Sandra, I need you to make a melon baby.

What's a melon baby?

You know, a melon baby.

I can do it if Sandra can't.

No, no, I can do it.

I'll do it.

Great. Any questions?

Okay, break.

Guess who?

Oh, hey, Jeff.

Ah, well, Jonah ruined it.

( grunts ) Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm on a break from Target.

Thought I would stop by and say hi.

How's your new job?

Oh, at Target?

Well, it's Target. It's the big leagues.

Well, uh, thank you for visiting.

It was good seeing you, but these carts aren't gonna put themselves away, so.

Oh, uh, okay, well, then I'm going to do a little shopping for supper. Don't tell the folks at Target.

I'm kidding, they don't need my business, they're Target.

Everything okay with you guys?

Yep, yeah, just spending a lot of time together.

Really? I feel like managing a Target would take a lot of time...

He doesn't work at Target.

Okay, he didn't even make it past the phone interview.

Wait, he's been lying?

He's been too embarrassed to admit he's unemployed. Just because Kathy, no, I can't come in early.

Just handle it yourself or consult the Target handbook.

( whispers ) It's work.

They cut off his cell phone service a month ago, so.

No, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing that.

We're not doing that. We're not doing that.

We're not doing that.

Take this, it's just sitting there, tempting me like a redhead.

Uh, sure.

Under no circumstances let me see what's inside that envelope.

This is a terrible, wonderful responsibility.

Can I see what's in that envelope?

No.

Wow, you're good.

It's been a difficult birth.

The mother has lost a lot of blood.

( grunts )

And the pain is unbearable.

The farmer moves in to put her down.

Jesus.

Dina, some of the customers are asking if we can change the channel.

( g*nsh*t )

Oh.

The farmer is unsuccessful on his first try.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Hey, Glenn, need to talk to you when you have a minute.

Is something wrong?

No, no, no.

They just sent us the wrong receipt paper again, and I also decided I no longer want to carry your baby, so we'll just go over all that.

The baby's in a sack anyway. I'm just suggesting we take out that sack, and stuff it into someone else.

Maybe Sandra.

Yeah, I don't think that technology exists.

What technology?

I'm talking about moving a bag of garbage from the kitchen to the side of the house.

Bag of garbage?

You can't just move it.

( stammers ) It's attached to things.

Fine, fine, that's just one idea.

We can come up with something else.

What is going on?

It's okay.

Dina, I know this is scary...

Okay, okay, how about this?

We induce a coma, okay? In five months, I wake up empty and happy and everybody wins.

( laughs )

All right, don't just say no, all right?

We can find a solution. We just have to keep talking until we figure something out.

( wheezing laugh )

Hey, Garrett. We need the envelope.

Glenn said he gave it to you.

We're gonna fill this piñata with either pink or blue candy.

So people are gonna b*at that baby with a stick till it bursts open and spews candy guts everywhere?

Yep, that's what I said too.

Do whatever you want. I don't care.

Did you lose it?

No.

Why do you sound nervous?

Why do you sound like a cartoon mouse?

( laughs ) It's funny.

Hey, is this the only gumbo mix you have?

I think so.

Mmm.

You know, at Target, the selection is just, ( imitates expl*si*n ) Mind blowing.

I mean, that's why we call it Target.

That's what everybody's aiming for.

It's a nice store.

There's this guy I work with named Gordon, who reminds me so much of you. The other day, I was like, "Hey, Jordan", like I combined your name and his name.

God, did we laugh, oh.

That's funny.

Um, you know, you don't have to talk about the job so much.

Why would you tell Jeff what I said?

I didn't, he's just really good at reading people.

Like, not psychic, but he's operating on a very high level.

Well, now he feels even worse about himself.

So why don't you just encourage him to get back out there?

Okay, he quit his job for me.

I can't be the one who criticizes him for not working.

I guess I could try talking to him, if you want.

Oh, well, I mean, he does respect you.

But you can't sleep with him.

Yeah, no, I will try and control myself.

Okay.

The name is Glenn and Jerusha Sturgis.

I need to know the gender of their baby.

Okay, sure, one second.

( exhales )

( imitating Glenn ) Hello, it's me, Glenn Sturgis.

I seem to have lost the envelope the doctor wrote the gender of my little angel in and...

( normal voice ) What?

That's exactly how he sounds.

You have no idea how spot on I was.

I did not think this through.

And now, I have a horrible parasite just eating and pissing inside me.

My friend Corona swallowed a tape worm to lose weight, and it ate one of her organs.

She looked really good at prom, though.

Look, Dina, it's just for a few more months.

Yeah, and then I get to endure the most gruesome pain imaginable.

The phrase "cut from hole to hole" was said to me.

You know, it really didn't hurt that much.

I remember thinking, like, big whoop.

Way to over-hype it, women.

Really? 'Cause for me, it was like...

It was... it was like nothing.

Yeah, it was like bad cramps.

Yeah, or like pooping, with blood and screaming and then a face comes out of you.

It's like, what else are you telling people about me?

Hey, guys. Hey, Jeff.

You don't have to say my name that way.

I know what I am.

I wasn't saying it like anything.

And besides, you just need to get back out there, you know?

Get back on the horse. Giddy-up!

Cowboy.

Yes, but, I mean...

I've never asked myself what I want to do with my life.

And I just thought, you know, now that I have this opportunity, maybe I could figure that out instead of just jumping into the first job that comes along.

Is that so wrong? To just once ask what makes Jeffrey happy?

No. ( Sighs )

You shouldn't rush into anything. You should... follow your bliss.

Yeah, defin... definitely. You'll find another job.

You just... you need to figure out you first.

You were supposed to tell him to get a job.

But then he said all that stuff, and you told him to follow his bliss.

Because I'm not supposed to be the bad cop.

That was your job.

I'm sorry.

You seemed on board. It's called acting.

Okay, when you watch "Terms of Endearment," Debra Winger doesn't actually have cancer.

I haven't seen it yet. It's on my list. But I still have a lot of TV to get through. We're in a golden age of television.

Look, last month, I thought I might be pregnant. I had missed a few periods, and I was gaining some weight...

Oh, no way, you were gaining weight?

( nervous laughing ) I didn't even notice.

What, are you blind? Look at her.

Anyway, I took the test, and while I was waiting, I kind of realized I kind of wanted to be pregnant again.

Oh, yeah, 'cause Emma's a dud.

No. What?

Right, no, JK, she's my fave.

Because I remembered how amazing it felt. It's like, you're carrying this life.

You're a god. I don't know, I was kind of sad when I got just the one cloud.

You took a Supercloud test?

Yeah.

Did you not read the memo? They recalled all the Supercloud tests after a bunch of false negatives. The Midwest is drowning in blooper babies.

Excuse me.

Probably trying to get her money back.

I know it's probably not the best timing, but... this is why you need to read the memos. Look at it this way, you said you wanted to be pregnant again.

I was obviously lying. No one wants to be pregnant. It's terrible.

Okay, first things first, let's figure out who the father is.

All right, let's make a list of all the people you've had s*x with over the last few months.

Oh, Alex, Tate, write small, there could be dozens.

It's not either one of them.

I was taking it slow with Alex, and I almost had s*x with Tate. He started doing one-armed pushups, and he fell and got embarrassed, and so he left. He said he had a meeting, but it was like 2:00 a.m.

So then, who?

It was Adam.

Dubanowski?

Isn't he dating someone?

Yeah, they broke up a couple months ago.

She broke up with him, though, right?

It's the only scenario where it makes sense.

He came over to pick up some stuff, and we were both feeling a little lonely, so, we started drinking. Then we started laughing and talking about the good old days, and he was wearing an Obama T-shirt, and I just miss Obama so much.

Wow, it's like, thanks, Obama.

Funny to think I was the one who was freaking out before.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

Guys, come on, it's just an envelope.

It's got to be somewhere.

Oh, look.

I found my retainer.

Oh.

Ah, it doesn't fit.

My teeth must have shifted.

Again, let's stop looking for treasure, and find the envelope.

What is he wearing?

Looks like hiking gear.

I'll say something to him.

Yes, but remember.

Bad cop, good cop.

I've done plays.

What do you think, huh?

Hey, check out how light these are.

Carbon fiber... sorry, they're probably a little sweaty.

Nice, uh, are we outside people now?

Investing in gear?

Yeah, treat myself.

Hey, here's a question: how are you gonna pay for all that without a job?

Uh, I have savings.

Well, he's a grown man.

He can spend his money how he wants.

Yeah, well, he's just gonna blow through all those savings before you know it, and then what, huh?

You just gonna be a bum?

Uh, I don't think I'm gonna be a bum...

Okay, you know what?

I think it's time I drop a little truth b*mb on you, okay?

You're a grown man. You're too young to retire, and you're way too old to start mountain climbing, or whatever this is, so snap out of it, okay, bub?

Grow up, get a job, and be a man.

Kapow! Truth b*mb!

Who the hell are you to talk to him that way?

He is more man than you'll ever be.

What?

If we're talking about truth bombs, well, take shelter, 'cause I'm about to make it rain.

Hey, Adam, it's Amy. Um, give me a call.

I have a story to tell you. It's kind of a long story.

That ends with a baby. Our baby.

Nope, re-record.

Hey Adam, who has two thumbs and your baby inside of her?

Nope.

Hey, baby! No.

If you want to split Emma's tap shoes with me, you can just Venmo me the cash, but again, the pregnancy was the main point of the call.

So remember that phrase, just once for old times' sake?

Ugh, what are you doing?

Just call me, okay? We need to talk.

I have to tell you that it is...

Cinco de Mayo Eve. Arriba.

Hey, Amy, which of these looks most like a baby?

Um, they're all bad.

Or how about we talk about your girl, Kelly, for a sec?

With her fortune teller sleeves and her Dallas eye shadow?

Okay, I think we've gotten a little off topic.

Guys, Jonah's right. This is stupid.

I'm not gonna go hiking, all right?

I take the elevator to the second floor.

Let me just... I'm gonna put this stuff back.

No, wait, you don't have to.

It's fine, okay?

I'll take the first job that comes along.

I hear Spud City's hiring a peeler.

That seems about right.

There you go.

It's about time you started facing reality.

Jonah, stop, seriously. Just look at him.

Don't work at Spud City, or wherever.

Just... ( sighs ) We'll be all right.

Yeah, Mateo's right. I crossed a line.

You shouldn't take any job that doesn't make you truly happy.

How do you not get how this works?

He was finally gonna get a job.

I'm sorry, it's confusing. You're a very good actor.

I've also done plays.

( "Absolutely ( Story of a Gir)" by Nine Days )

♪ This is the story of a girl ♪
♪ Who cried a river and drowned the whole world ♪
♪ While she looks so sad in photo... ♪

Oh, hey, Amy. I need your advice.

Yeah, right now's not the best time...

Yeah, I want to surprise Jerusha with some baby stuff at the party that can work for a boy or girl.

Are bottles too wiener-shaped?

I... yeah, I don't know, maybe, sure.

Okay. God, there's so much stuff, it's overwhelming.

Yeah, it's a lot. It's very overwhelming.

You got your wub-a-nub, cribs, a infant carrier, wipe warmers... what is this kid, the Queen of England?

I can't be here right now.

Excuse me.

Hey...

( machine beeps )

Come on.

( machine beeps )

Hey, where you going?

Look, Dina, I know I'm supposed to be working, okay?

But I just... I can't be here right now.

I need to go somewhere, just anywhere away from here.

And I can't get this stupid ( bleep ) timecard to ( bleep ) work in the ( bleep ) thing!

Hey, hey, hey. Let's get out of here.

( exhales ) Okay, thank you.

( upbeat music )

Sorry, I just feel weird about not clocking out.

( upbeat music )

( indistinct chatter )

Of course, the eventual plan would be to hike the Appalachian Trail, but for now, I'm just gonna walk around the reservoir.

Cool.

Bo and I did it there once.

Oh.

I've gone from expense accounts and hotel dinners to having to figure out what "squat and bury" means.

I don't know, I think he's kind of pulling off that hat.

Are you kidding?

He looks like if Freddie Mercury was going fly fishing.

Attention, ladies and germs.

Sorry, I've always wanted to say that.

( laughs )

Wait, where's Dina?

Oh, no, she's not here.

I guess we'll have to reschedule.

No, we can... we'll wait.

Oh.

So are we talking broken condom, or a pull and pray situation?

Can we not talk about that?

Sure.

Sure, sure.

What do you think Alex is gonna say when he finds out you're pregnant with Adam's baby?

Let's not talk about that either.

Okay, all right.

Are you gonna get an abortion?

How about we just listen to the radio?

Oh, right, no radio.

Look, we can ride in silence. That is fine by me.

I just needed to know if I should head towards the clinic.

The abortion clinic.

For an abortion.

No.

Let's not head to the abortion clinic.

You're sure?

Yeah.

Hey, Siri, cancel route.

Okay, I've stopped navigating.

Enough waiting! ( Excited grunting )

It's white. What does that mean?

Maybe you guys are having a white baby.

That's awesome. Congratulations!

Garrett said that he was gonna take care of the gender reveal, so we just got a regular cake.

I made the melon baby.

Garrett, what is it?

Uh, I don't know.

What?

I mean, I... I mean, I don't know.

You don't know. The doctor doesn't even know.

I mean, what is gender, anyway, right?

It's just a construct. I mean, look around.

We got a football, you got ballet.

You guys are writing this baby's code before it even comes out!

You're perpetuating gender stereotypes!

How about we let this kid figure out its own gender?

( scoffs )

You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.

It's just that things were finally back on track.

You know?

Like, I was dating someone nice.

Emma's almost out of the house, and I was gonna get out there and have fun.

You know, I was gonna take skydiving lessons.

Well, you have an excuse not to do it now.

What are you talking about? I was gonna do it.

Mm-hmm.

I visited the website like five times.

Yeah, what's the name of the place?

( stammers ) Captain Rick's...

Skydiving...

Bonanza.

Mm-hmm.

Fine, the point is, I wanted the option to take the skydiving lessons, you know?

I wanted to be able to be spontaneous and do what I wanted to do for once, you know?

All of the stuff that I'd... ( groans )

Who cares, doesn't matter anymore.

Listen, if you ask me, you can always find a reason not to do anything.

And if there is stuff you want to do, do that stuff.

Yeah.

Maybe. I don't know.

Have you ever played laser tag?

Oh, it is awesome.

They tell you not to run, but you can run.

You can.

( classic rock music playing )

Hey.

Hey.

What happened here?

Oh, you know how crazy gender reveal parties get.

Yeah.

( Italian accent ) There was so much Chianti, and the mozzarell' and the unlimited bread-a sticks.

( chuckles )

( "Rebel Rebel" by David Bowie )

♪ We like dancing and we look divine ♪
♪ You love bands when they're playing hard ♪
♪ You want more and you want it torn ♪
♪ They put you down, they say I'm wrong ♪
♪ You tacky thing, you put them on ♪
♪ Rebel rebel, you've torn your dress ♪
♪ Rebel rebel, your face is a mess ♪

I, uh... I'm pregnant.

♪ Hot tramp, I love you so ♪