03x15 - Amnesty

[bunniefuu]

- This never gets old.

- Why are you doing this?

Because this job is incredibly boring.

So, Kelly, do you, like, hate Amy now?

What?

No.

This was before I even started working here...

- Yes.

- And...

and it was just a kiss.

Yes, exactly.

Thank you, Kelly.

Uh-oh...

looks like we got ourselves a catfight.

Amy frenched her man, and now they're gonna throw down.

How did you get there from...

So, then I go, "I'm undocumented," and then Jeff goes, "That's why you dumped me?" And I go, "Yeah," and he goes, "Whoa," and I go, "Mm-hmm." - And what'd he go?

- He was... weird.

He said he didn't know what to do and he just left.

I mean, what if he hates me?

- He doesn't hate you.

- He might.

For all I know, he's reported me by now.

I'm sure he didn't.

If he did, then, you know, a bunch of guys in uniform would've busted in here by now all like, "Everyone, down on the ground!

Black-bag that guy and throw him in the van." Soldiers would pop out of the ceiling, and just start pounding on you, like, knee to the face, knee to the head, crotch-punch, crotch-punch!

And then, you'd probably get sent to Guantanamo.

Uh-huh.

Probably.

Man, how weird are sponges?

You guys looking for condoms?

- They're right here.

- Shut up, Corey.

You know I have the power to fire you.

- Do you?

- I don't know.

I'm just so annoyed with everybody and this stupid video.

It'll pass.

You remember Robin with that whole sexting thing?

Nobody even mentions it anymore.

Robin k*lled himself.

Oh...

- Still, though.

- Uh-oh.

Back to the scene of the crime, you guys.

That's p*rn music, it's not "Seinfeld." We get it.

Point taken.

- Yeah, you really zinged us.

- You really zinged each other.

You should write for Craig Ferguson.

- Just ignore it.

- That's what I'm doing.

You guys looking for the condoms?

Corey already said that.

Hey, Corey, you stole my condom joke.

♪ ♪ I just keep thinking about Jonah and Amy kissing each other.

Okay...

are you imagining that you're the Jonah or you're the Amy?

What?

No.

I mean, Amy was married.

I thought they were both good people, and then... and then they...

they still wound up committing adultery.

I don't know why you're so shocked.

People are basically just monsters hiding behind the thin veneer of social convention.

Oh, come on.

I mean, uh, yeah, sure, there's a few Naughty Nathans out there, but most people are basically good.

I watch security footage of people who don't know they're on camera.

Do you have any idea how many customers have taken poops on the floor of the store because they think they're alone?

I don't wanna know!

- Is it zero?

- 17.

Well, that's on me for asking.

People are monsters.

Take away the thr*at of punishment, and you'd be horrified by what people admitted to doing.

One of you has committed a serious malfeasance, and I'm not talking about Amy's adultery.

All right, "adultery" is a strong word.

Heck yeah it is.

What I'm talking about is something else.

This is a fireable offense.

However, we're giving that person one chance.

You come forward today, admit what you did, and we will forget everything.

Okay, but how do we know if the thing that we did is the thing you're talking about?

That's why anyone who comes to us today and admits to doing something wrong will be granted full amnesty.

How do we know if you tell you something, you're not gonna, you know, call Corporate - or the government or something?

- Yeah, sounds like a trap.

No, I promise, you will not be punished, I swear on the...

on the grave of my father.

I swear on my birds.

- Okay.

- Oh, wow.

- She does love birds.

- Yeah.

♪ You don't belong ♪ ♪ We're not gonna take it ♪ ♪ No, we ain't gonna take... ♪ What do you think someone did?

- I don't know.

- Who do you think did it?

- Still don't know.

- When do you think it even...

I don't have any more information than you do.

Man, I just wish I had known that they were giving out amnesty.

I would've broken a rule.

Hold on a second...

we have till the end of the day to confess, right?

Yeah.

I think we may have stumbled onto a "Purge" type situation.

We can break one rule today with no consequences.

Oh...

like, we could wear hats.

That's against dress code.

Okay, so you could do anything you want, and you wanna waste it on a hat?

Okay, um... how 'bout we steal a boat?

Well, we don't sell boats, but I like that you're thinking bigger.

Right.

Also, I just remembered, I get kinda seasick, so the boat thing is definitely a no-go.

Okay, well, we were never gonna do the boat thing, - but cool.

- Okay.

Hey, Jeff, um, third call.

Just still really wanting to see how you were feeling about the whole undocumented thing, or if you're mad at me or not, of if you told anyone or didn't, or would or wouldn't.

I...

Sorry, this weird lady's looking at me.

Well, it's been over an hour and not one employee has confessed, and I found a dollar on the floor, - so eat peas.

- Ooh, an American dollar?

It's all cryptocurrency now, ya dino.

Can someone please open a register?

I have kind of a shrimp emergency.

All the registers should be open.

Well, I'm not being dramatic.

My wife is gonna m*rder me.

Where is everyone?

All right, let's all take a number.

We're gonna get to everyone.

There's just so many of you.

So, um, I might have done something wrong, but, um, I'm not sure if it's the same thing you guys are talking about.

Well, why don't you just tell us what it is?

Then we'll tell you if your thing is the same thing we're talking about.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, or, uh...

why don't you tell me your thing first, then I'll say if it's the same thing as... my thing?

I mean, that sounds better to me.

How 'bout this, you tell us the first letter of your thing, and then we'll know if we're on the same page.

Okay, fine.

- Um, the letter "U"?

- Yes, "U." The thing we know about also starts with "U." Okay, now give me the second letter, and then we can just go back and forth.

- Just tell us what you know!

- You tell me what you know!

Utah!

Hey.

What are you doing?

Eating my lunch.

Trying to stay away from all the looks - and the comments and...

- Yeah.

Kinda tired of telling people to mind their own business.

So, I know this may come as a surprise, but I actually got teased a lot in middle school.

No.

Yeah, I don't know if it was the rattail or the eighth grade talent show where I did a Bossa Nova rendition of "Material Girl" on alto sax...

That.

It was that.

But the moment I stopped fighting it and... and actually just laughed along with them, - it wasn't fun for them anymore.

- Mm.

They started teasing this fat kid instead, which, long story short, he's a male model now.

Wow.

You're really the hero of that story.

I guess so.

Uh-oh, hope I'm not interrupting anything.

What is that?

Sex.

No, it's not.

I think you mean this.

- Oh, like this?

- Yeah, there you go.

Oh...

This is nice.

Okay, so, I'm the one who's been stealing the shopping carts, uh, but they're not for me.

I give 'em to the homeless.

- Tha...

that's not too bad!

- I just give 'em the carts.

They do the battling on their own.

What?

Battling?

I've been smoking weed in the stock room - on Wednesdays and Fridays.

- What?

Right under our noses.

How awful.

And on Mondays and Thursdays, I just drink.

And on Saturdays, I go to the Cinnabon and go nuts.

It's so good.

I stole a pack of Sour Cherry Bubblicious.

- Well, that's not too bad.

- I liked the Sour Cherry, because it reminded me of a Jollytime Zabra-Dabra.

My uncle Frank worked for the Jollytime Factory.

It's this new web series thing I'm working on.

The elevator pitch is bum fights on cr*ck.

So, you know how me and Carol hate each other...

well, I hate her.

Actually, she looks up to me.

Anyway, I paid four different guys to come into the store and ask her out and then never show up.

Nice.

I've been doing things to Sandra's lunch.

An electrical spark at the factory ignited the corn starch, causing a big expl*si*n on the third floor...

maybe it was the fourth floor.

What floor did Uncle Frank work on?

- The fourth floor!

- No!

- Oh, gosh.

- Yes.

So, you film homeless people smashing each other with our carts?

Sometimes, I'll just give one of 'em a cart and the other a stick or a trashcan lid.

It's barbaric.

What is happening in this store?

Aw, it's not just this store, it's the whole world.

Now, you just keep that same face right there...

Huh?

That is going on my wall right next to the picture of me with the guy who played Balki.

Bronson Pinchot.

I don't know what you're saying to me.

"not allowed." Okay, we're not just hatting this.

There has to be something in-between maiming someone and putting on a fedora.

"Employees should avoid discussing racial issues, including positive comments such as, "I for one am proud of this Mexican's achievements."" Most of this stuff is stuff I don't wanna do or doesn't even apply.

"A female employee's skirt shall start below the knee, and her bosom shall be fully covered"?

- That's a rule?

- Yeah.

Most days, I don't even wear underwear, mainly 'cause mentioning that gets me free donuts from whoever's working café.

Couldn't you just lie about that?

They would know.

I would know.

Hey, you okay?

Guy trouble is not fun.

Oh, uh, yeah, thanks, but Jonah and I are...

we're totally fine.

Oh, that's great.

Well, I just want you to know I have your back.

That's really sweet.

Should we do something to Amy's car?

What?

Or wait...

she has a daughter, right?

Oh, she loves that daughter.

Yeah, I...

I like her daughter too.

It's always gonna be people like us against the Amy's and the Sandra's of the world.

We're the same.

You and I are the same.

Yep.

- Careful.

- Oh...

Oh, hey.

Do you guys want us to leave you alone with this bed?

Yeah?

Um, you know what, Corey, yes.

Could you hit the lights on your way out?

'Cause we were just about to have a nooner.

Yeah, unless, you know, anybody wants to stick around and...

and film all the banging that we're gonna do.

- That's a good idea.

- Oh, did you hear that?

- They said they were gonna bang.

- Admitted it.

Oh, yeah, bangin' and proud of it.

Watch out, Cloud 9's about to get real hot up in here!

- Uh-oh!

- Uh-oh!

It's not fun when you're into it.

Come on, you guys, you're being annoying now.

You know, what's annoying is being around this hottie all day long and just not getting to make out.

You know, it's like our lips are magnets.

Every time we see each other, it's like, "Hi, Jonah..." "Whoa-oh-oh, oh, my God, can't control my lips.

- Uh-oh"...

- "Uh-oh!

Watch out!" That... that was an accident...

- We didn't mean to do that.

- But you... yeah.

Yeah, because you were going in...

Guys, something just happened!

♪ ♪ - I thought you were going...

- Uh, yeah...

no, I...

we were...

Except we didn't actually kiss.

The whole thing just got blown out of proportion.

But your lips were touching her lips...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it...

it's...

it's like CPR, you know?

If...

if...

if you're giving someone CPR, - are you kissing them?

- Were you giving her CPR?

No, no, look, we were just pretending we wanted to kiss, okay, so that people would stop saying we wanted to kiss.

That sounds stupid.

I mean...

seriously?

This is all Sandra.

I'm taking a Learning Annex course.

♪ ♪ It's impressive.

♪ ♪ Thank you all for coming on such short notice.

Uh, Glenn, before we get started, I just wanted to say that I'm wearing a hat, which I know is against the rules.

- And boom!

Amnesty.

- Ok...

okay.

Uh, as you all know, from time to time, we have a guest speaker...

We've literally never done that.

So...

I would like to introduce you to Pastor Craig.

You know the rules about religion at work.

And I get amnesty today, so why don't you go kiss a table?

There is something wrong with the souls - of the people who work here...

- Amen.

And I am not just gonna stand back and let this place become Times Square, New York City!

- Hallelujah.

- Yeah.

- Pastor Craig?

- Mm.

- They're all yours.

- All right.

Hmm...

All right, man, what is this?

What are you doing to us?

- Stop it!

- What's your name, Miss?

Justine.

Well, Justine...

I love you.

- I love you too.

- I love all of you, all right?

And I don't care what you've done.

God hates the sin, but he loves the sinner.

Sandra...

Who is Sandra?

Where is, uh...

All right.

Now, Sandra, it...

it says here that you wanna k*ll a coworker named Carol.

Ye Oh.

Oh, Sandra, I understand.

When I'm frustrated, I wanna wring someone's neck.

Exactly.

Wring it hard.

So, what do you do?

What do you do when that feeling comes over you?

Well, I...

put on a hoodie that covers my face.

Then I take the 47 bus line to a library in a far-away town.

Then I open a private browser on one of their computers, and Google how I'm thinking of k*lling her to see what mistakes people usually make.

Jesus.

♪ ♪ All right, everybody blow it out.

Come on, blow it out.

Blow out the sin!

Blow it on out.

Blow it on out.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

you feel that?

I think it just got a little lighter in here.

I felt it, big time.

Hallelujah.

So, keep breathing, blow out those sins, and forgive yourself.

All right, Amen.

All right, so, I think, we're good here.

Uh, do you guys sell those tire air-pressure tester...

- what do you call those things, - No, no, that's it?

- The small...

- Tire gauge.

Yes, thank you.

I need a tire gauge.

I told ya, you take away the punishment, you find out what people really are.

Wait, what?

What are you talking about?

There was no fireable offense.

Dina said that people were monsters, and as a Christian, I wanted to prove that they weren't.

Actually, we Christians believe that all people are sinners.

It's, uh...

it's kind of our whole thing.

So, wait, Jeff didn't say anything?

Why?

What would Jeff have said?

I don't know, he's a liar.

I mean, he's always lying about stuff, so...

But Dina was right.

We are all monsters, who love to watch bum fights or put gross stuff in each other's lunches.

Oh, I know that Carol messes with my lunch.

That's why I always make a decoy lunch.

You don't think I know about the decoy lunch?

And even Amy and Jonah...

you had an affair.

Glenn, it wasn't an affair, it was one kiss, and it happened because we thought we were about to die.

We all thought we were gonna die.

You didn't see me smooching the first lady person I could find.

Weren't you praying to Allah the whole time?

- Yes.

- Oh.

- What... no, I didn't...

- Glenn...

I am not the one on trial here.

You know what, nobody's on trial, okay?

- Nobody.

- We all make mistakes.

We all have lust in our hearts.

- That wasn't lust.

- I wouldn't say lust.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't know you guys that well.

Maybe you're in love then.

- No.

We're not in love.

- No, definitely not love.

So you say, but Lord, I'm sensing something going on right here.

- Y'all feel that?

- Ooh!

Right up there.

Y'all feel that?

Something good...

Great, this again.

Woohoo.

No, uh, actually, we're... we're dating, so...

Oh, uh, tire gauge girl.

Okay.

So, what is it, guys?

Is it love or lust?

All right, guys, enough is enough.

It doesn't matter.

Even if they were soul mates, it doesn't make it okay.

Look, Amy is not my soul mate, okay?

Yes, fine, uh, when I first started working here years ago, I...

I had a little crush on Amy.

There, I said it.

Okay?

Are you happy?

Exactly.

And at one point, I had a crush on Jonah, and that's all in the past.

Exactly.

Wait, what did...

you...

when did you...

did...

what...

you...

yeah...

no.

Never mind.

Doesn't matter, doesn't matter, because if...

even if we...

because it...

with the timing and everything, it's...

yeah, so, you get it.

So...

stop.

- He didn't know.

- Do you still love each other?

- Wh...

What?

- No!

We never...

we've moved on.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

And, you know...

and......

anyway, it...

it...

it doesn't matter, bec...

we've...

we've all, you know...

and...

and...

and besides, you know, I've......

I'm with...

I've got...

I'm with, um...

- Kelly.

- I'm with Kelly.

Yeah, no, I...

I...

I know your name, obviously.

- Guys, this is amazing.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I'm generally a cynic, but this?

Wow.

She didn't know that he didn't know, and now he knows that she knows...

We get it, Sandra.

So, do you guys think he should be with Kelly or Amy?

- I'm kind of Team Amy now.

- Yeah.

I'm with you.

I'm fully shipping them.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey, Ame.

'Sup?

Oh, hey, guys.

What's up?

We're...

we're just having normal workplace conversations.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Sure.

Yep.

How are you doing with everything?

There it is.

You know me.

Struggling to keep it in my pants.

With Jonah roaming around here somewhere, I'm just like, "Give it to me, Jonah." That's a good one.

Mm-hmm.

Yep, gonna go find him now and just, like, do him, you know?

Soft lines?

More like hard lines.

Get it?

Watching your world view get shattered has been the highlight of my year, and that includes meeting that Balki guy.

- Bronson Pinchot.

- What does that mean?

Hey, guys, I'm taking off.

Garrett......

let's get this over with.

- Get what over with?

- What did you do?

Did you make two nuns fight a prost*tute?

- Broil a child?

- Nah, I didn't do anything.

I'm very, very sorry to say, but, uh, I haven't broken any rules.

Really?

So, you've never gotten stoned at work or...

or hit golf balls off the checkout?

You've never taken a video game home, played it, repackaged it, and put it back on the shelf?

No.

I mean, those are all things I probably could've done, but did not.

♪ ♪ Garrett...

you little rule follower.

♪ ♪ I found a good one!

♪ ♪ His ability to delude himself is the only impressive thing about him.

I think I was just disoriented in the moment, but I am not cool with him kissing my head.

Hey.

- Kelly.

- Uh...

yes, I know your...

Look, uh, I was just flustered, you know, back there.

Yeah, sure.

Well, it's very flustering when you find out that the girl you like likes you back.

No, no, I just......

everything just got blown out of proportion.

Let me ask you this, if...

if your crush had timed out with Amy's crush, - would we be together right now?

- Yes.

- Really?

- Really.

Look, I don't want this whole Amy thing to set us back.

I wanna...

I wanna move forward with you.

Like move in together?

Yeah.

Why not?

I mean, if...

if you want to.

Do...

do you want to?

Do...

well, sure, yeah.

I mean, I would...

yeah.

Yeah, great, okay.

Cool, then we're doing it.

We're...

we're living together.

- Oh.

Uh...

- All right.

♪ ♪ Chad, it's Mateo.

Do...

I know I've said some horrible things about you in the comments of your Instagram, but, you know, I can't find Jeff, and I've been calling the office...

I quit my job.

Uh, Chad, I'm gonna call you back.

Uh, probably not, actually.

- Jeff...

- You wanna get a drink?

♪ ♪ Sure.

- Nice shirt.

- You think?

It's the one Matt Damon wore at the end of "The Bourne Identity." That's so cool.

Right on.

I can return it, if you don't like it.