04x14 - Minor Crimes

[bunniefuu]

Attention Cloud 9 shoppers and employees.

I, uh... I just wanted to take this moment to, uh...

Uh, to... to say goodbye.

This is my last day as manager here.

I am stepping down to spend more time with my family.

Pretty emotional for a guy who only demoted himself to floor worker.

Yeah, you'd think he'd mention that part.

No, he's getting to it.

He's been doing the same speech every hour.

He wants to cover as many customers as possible.

I've heard it five times.

He's getting really good at it.

My second family.

While you've been helping people find light bulbs and paper towels, you've also been helping me find myself.

( upbeat music )

And guys, I say this a lot, but we really need to wet down those raccoon droppings before we sweep.

Dry sweeping is the reason why those roundworm eggs go airborne.

God, I just realized this is the last time I'm going to tell you guys to spray your droppings.

Aww.

And I finally get to stop sucking up to this guy. Right?

That's what you've been doing?

Yeah.

So now that you're becoming a floor worker, what do we call you?

Glenn's fine.

Glenn?

Mm-hmm.

Feels weird.

Does this mean Dina's gonna be manager?

No, thank you.

Though I will outrank Glenn, who will be right below Marcus and just above Jonah.

You rank us?

And I'm below Marcus?

That's crazy. I'm the worst.

It's that kind of self-awareness that keeps you a notch above Jonah.

So who's taking over?

Well, I'm hoping it's Amy.

( all gasping )

What?

Cool!

I mean, I doubt it.

I have to get Laurie to interview me, and she hates me.

Oh, I'm sure she doesn't hate you.

Eh, she's made some comments.

( Hootie & the Blowfish's "Only Wanna Be With You" plays )

♪ Well, there's nothing I can do ♪
♪ I only want to be with you ♪

( clanging )

Oh, here he does. Here he goes.

Okay, chowder's headed down south.

Oh, my God!

Eww!

( both chuckling )

( man yelling in pain )

Oh, God! I hate this!

Excuse me.

One second. It's almost done.

Oh, I think it's done now.

Oh, hey. Hi, Laurie.

It's, uh... uh, been a minute.

Um, is your hair the same?

Yes.

Sorry, we were just watching HotNuts.

What's HotNuts?

YouTube guy pours hot liquids on his genitals.

Beverages, soups.

Hmm, sounds brilliant.

So where should our phones be during work hours?

Um, in our pockets.

In your lockers.

In our lockers, right. Yeah.

So why don't you go do that now, okay?

Nice to see you guys.

Man, I really wanted to show you the Thanksgiving one he did.

Ah, does he pour hot gravy down his pants?

Yeah, but he does it with his dad.

It's really nice.

Gosh, you know, everything in here has a story, like this hole punch.

Okay, it's only supposed to be able to do 18 pages, but one day, I got it to do 25.

I went straight home and made love to Jerusha that day.

Well, that's a story I'll remember.

Oh yeah. You like it?

You should have it.

Oh, uh, no, I... I...

Oh no, come on, please. You love it. Take it.

Um, if he gets a hole punch, can I get this bag full of cash?

Whoa!

Oh, that's my rainy day fund.

Corporate sets aside a certain amount of the budget for miscellaneous maintenance, so whenever we don't use it, I just take out in cash and set it aside.

You know, just in case.

But they think you spent this on maintenance.

Yeah, and I would have if I needed to, but I didn't.

So just leave it there for the next manager.

Wait, so... so you told them you spent money you didn't spend.

Mm-hmm.

Then you... took the money and kept it in a bag hidden in your office.

Yeah.

Isn't that embezzlement?

( scoffs ) No, embezzlement is when you put jewels on your jacket.

I think you mean bedazzling.

Which is also a crime.

( middle of the road music )

Oh, hey! Laurie! What's up, girl?

It's been, like, forever.

How's the district manager world?

#DMLife, right?

Uh, I'm still doing some physical therapy from when you ran me over with the golf cart.

Yup, yeah.

Um, well, anyway, since Glenn is stepping down, I was wondering if, maybe, I could interview for the job.

You want to be manager?

Yeah, um, well, I've been here for 15 years, and I did really well in the Cloud 9 Academy.

Oh, wow. Okay.

You did the one day, uh, training session near the airport?

I'm not sure what it being near an airport has to do with anything.

I'm sorry. I would really love to interview you, but I actually have another candidate in mind, so...

Oh. Okay. Great.

Yeah.

Well, um, if that guy falls through or, you know, if anything else opens up, I... I would love to throw my hat in the ring.

Shwoop!

Sorry, I just touched your boob.

( sighs )

( exasperated sigh )

Hey guys, you won't be hearing from me for the next five hours, but don't worry, I haven't been kidnapped.

I just can't use my phone.

But if you don't hear from me after that, I probably have been kidnapped, and it was probably my uncle.

He's really nice, but just statistically...

Stay strong.

You'll be out before you know it.

( both sigh )

Oh, sh**t. I forgot my phone.

Cheyenne.

Oh, yeah.

( sobbing )

Glenn, it's... it's going to be okay.

Just... just breathe and drink your juice.

( coughing )

Well, not at the same time, obviously.

Maybe they won't even realize it's gone.

They do an audit every time there's a management change at the store. I think they're going to notice $27,000 missing.

You can't just return it?

No, 'cause I already told them that I spent it.

Okay, maybe this helps.

I found this jacket online.

It's beaded, it's exactly $27,000.

So add to cart?

Spending it isn't going to help.

Actually, it might.

What?

Yes!

Glenn, can I borrow $2,000 for sales tax?

Sure.

No, not on the coat... that's bananas... but if you need to spend it on maintenance, why don't we just spend it on maintenance?

How am I supposed to find $27,000 worth of stuff to repair in one day?

There's just not that much stuff that's broken!

Well, there would be if we broke it.

Ugh, I can't wait to have a manager that's not a paunchy idiot with elf hair.

Well, it's not gonna be me.

Laurie won't even let me interview for the job.

She's already decided who she's hiring.

Whoa. It sounds like you need to go take a big, fat 17-B on her desk.

Eww. What are you talking about?

Rule 17-B. 17-B?

Come on, you know 17-B. 17-B.

B as in boy. Rule 17-B.

You can't just keep saying it...

Any employee who completes the Cloud 9 Academy should be granted an interview if... if a management position becomes available at their...

Dina, just say it.

At their store.

Okay?

She literally has to let you interview.

She's already decided who she's hiring, so what's the point?

The point is you should get to make your case.

Look, if you feel awkward asking her, I'm happy to come back you up.

Laurie Neustadt, you are in violation of rule 17-B of Cloud 9 hiring policy.

So you either interview Amy, or I file a 31-J with Kyle Robichot, and you do not want me filing a 31-J with Kyle Robichot.

So that's your move?

You're forcing me to interview you.

I... I... I...

Fine.

Whatever, let's just get this over with.

Knock 'em dead.

( jazz music )

So, should I start with my qualifications?

So I don't really think that you are qualified, but, you know, it is your interview, so...

Okay, all right, um, well, I've been at Cloud 9 for 15 years.

I have strong relationships with the staff, and over time, we have really built a mutual respect and trust.

Um, sorry, do you need a minute?

No, I'm fine. No. Keep going.

Okay, uh, well, as far as specifics go...

Yo, yo, yo, it's HotNuts here.

I've undertaken a number of initiatives.

( loud ) Uh, for starters, I streamlined our go-backs process so that we waste less time in restock, and also I reorganized the women's wear section so that basics like camisoles and strapless bras were easier to find during wedding season.

Oh, God! They look really bad!

I'm not getting this job, am I?

No.

( tranquil store music )

Um, are you scrolling a block of cheese?

Ugh, I miss my phone!

Yeah, I know. Look, it's only a couple more hours. It's the length of a movie.

If I can sit through "The Hitman's Bodyguard,"

I can make it through this.

"The Hitman's Bodyguard"?

Yeah.

You didn't see that? Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, and uh, the other guy. He always plays a bad dude.

Uh, he's British.

David Beckham.

No.

He's British.

Yeah, I know, but that's not who I'm... it's, uh... oh!

Okay, you know who I'm talking about.

He's in everything.

He was in Harry Potter.

Oh, Daniel Radcliffe!

No.

Daniel Radcliffe is British.

Yeah, I know. Okay?

All right, I got a real grab bag!

I've got hammers and wrenches, crowbars.

What do we need a bow and arrow for?

I don't know. It felt... of the world.

Okay, well, where... where... where do we begin?

I figure we'd knock a few holes through this wall here.

What, no! This... this wall?

This... this is the wall that Cody pinned me against when he was learning to drive the forklift.

Glenn, Glenn.

Come on!

If you don't want to go to jail, we're gonna have to do some damage.

Yeah.

All right.

Go get 'em.

( tap )

I... I think, uh, I think you wanna... you wanna put your back into it a little more.

There you go.

Ow!

Oh, oh.

So apparently, I'm just not qualified enough for the job.

You're more qualified than Glenn ever was.

Do you want me to seduce her for you?

( sighs ) No. Thank you, though.

Have you ever heard of something called HotNuts?

Oh yeah, that guy's great.

He's worth, like, 10 million dollars.

Excuse me, folks, can everyone gather up?

Um, I'd like to introduce you all to someone.

This is, uh, Blaine Neustadt, and he's going to be taking over for Glenn as manager.

You... you... uh, excuse me, Neustadt?

As in, like, your last name?

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Not that it's any of your business, but yes, Blaine is my son, but that has nothing to do with why he got hired here.

Wow, you do not look old enough to be her son.

That's an odd thing to say.

Ah, I just want to say hey everyone!

Uh, I'm so excited to be here.

This is so cool to be part of this great team.

Uh, mostly I am very excited to be done doing Postmates.

( chuckles ) Oh, my car reeks.

This is a good choice if you're looking for graphics and raw processing power.

Um, for example, I'll just pull up my Instagram account.

Oh, I'm just looking for a "get well" gift for my mother-in-law.

She doesn't use a computer.

What? Corona and Stacy S.

Are hanging out at Chili's?

( scoffs ) I hate them!

Like.

Okay, so I heard that if you look directly into the scanner light, you instantly go blind.

This weirdly makes me feel better, 'cause it wasn't about me being unqualified.

She just wanted to hire her son.

Yeah, but you can't let her do that.

You need to go back up to her and tell her that she needs to either give you a real sh*t at this job, or you'll go to corporate and tell them about her little nepotism hire.

No, I'm not gonna go tell on her like I'm 12.

Besides, corporate doesn't care.

It would be a waste of my time.

Hey, um, you're the floor supervisor, right?

Uh-huh.

Great, awesome, um.

Can you tell me where inventory is?

Uh, yeah, it's sort of all around us.

Yes, yes, thank you.

I will... I will go look into that. Thank you.

Can we talk?

( nasally ) No!

Oh, God.

I'm sorry. You're busy.

Get out! Go!

Never mind.

( upbeat music )

Amy! The Aiming of the Shrew.

Hey, Laurie.

I have been meaning to talk to you.

I want to make you a manager.

Um, what?

What, uh, me? What about Blaine?

He... Blaine's great. Um, it's just... you know, I've been thinking about it, and I looked through your file, and clearly, you're the most qualified person here, so...

Um, wow.

That is a lot to take in all of a sudden.

Big, big opportunity.

I know, um, just before I say yes or no, I just want to be clear.

Um, if you're offering it to me because I'm the best person for the job, then yes!

I will take and I will be kick-ass.

But if you're offering it to me because of...

( sniff )

Then, uh, you know, you don't have to do that.

It's not like I'm going to go tell anyone.

Really? Wow.

Okay. I appreciate that.

Not too many people would do that.

( clicks tongue ) Thank you.

Sorry, wait, I'm sorry.

Uh, so where did we land exactly?

What do you mean?

Do I have the job?

But I thought you just turned it down.

Well, no, I mean, that just... only if you were offering it to me because of the drug thing, but if you were offering it to me because of my abilities, then...

Hmm.

So this is awkward.

( N.W.A.'s "Gangsta Gangsta" plays )

♪ Here's a little something about a brother like me ♪
♪ Never should've been let out the penitentiary ♪
♪ Ice Cube will like to say ♪
♪ That I'm a crazy mother from around the way ♪
♪ Since I was a youth, I smoked weed out ♪
♪ Now I'm the type of punk that you read about ♪
♪ Doing the crime or two, that's what the hell I do ♪
♪ You don't like how I'm living, well... ♪
♪ This is a crew and I'm in it ♪
♪ My man Dre'll knock you out in a minute ♪
♪ With a right left, right left you're toothless ♪
♪ And then you say, damn they ruthless ♪
♪ We'll make you say it again ♪
♪ N.W.A's messing up the program ♪
♪ And then you realize we don't care ♪

( toilet flushes )

Go, go, go.

♪ About drinking straight out the eight bottle ♪
♪ Tell the truth, do I look like a role model? ♪
♪ To a kid looking up to me ♪
♪ But I don't give a damn cause I keep bailing ♪
♪ Yo, tell them what they're yelling ♪

Okay, no. You know this guy.

He's a British actor, he's older, he likes being weird, he's always doing stuff with his hair.

Sometimes it's long, sometimes it's short.

He was in Batman. Oh, uh, Christian Bale.

No, no, no. He wasn't Batman.

Like I said, he's older.

Just... just look it up on your phone.

Michael Caine.

No, it's not Michael... just pull up IMDB!

Dude, it's Michael Caine! He plays the butler.

Yeah, I know he plays the butler.

The Joker?

Yeah, the older British actor I'm thinking of is the Joker.

Thank you.

I like movies.

And then she just offered me the job.

This is awesome! You and me, manager, assistant manager?

Oh, it's going to be like we're Bush and Cheney.

You know, I'm the brains pulling all the strings behind the scenes, and you're the super sexy puppet.

What... I'm... I'm... I didn't take the job.

What? Why?

Because that's not how I wanna get the job.

If they're going to hire me, I want it to be because I'm the most qualified person.

( sighs )

Hey, so I guess we're just out of green beans.

Should I get somebody to go buy more from another Cloud 9?

Is that really what you think you should do?

I guess. Right?

I just hope they're not selling them for more than we are, or else we're losing money on this.

Okay.

There is a lot of damage around here.

Yeah, I know.

It was a g*ng of teenaged hoodlums.

You know, slicked hair, leather jackets, combs in their back pockets.

Uh, total, I'd say you're looking at $18,000 for repairs.

$18,000?

Yeah, there's a lot to do around here.

I thought it would be more like $27,000.

You never charge me this little.

The truth is...

I've been overbilling you for years, but I recently quit drinking and I'm trying to be a better person.

I can do it for $15,000, but that's final.

$15,000, but that's crazy!

No, it's not crazy.

It's... it's me trying to be a better person.

Can you go with me on this one?

Yeah, okay.

( country music )

♪
♪ Falls through the sky like a stone ♪

I'm just gonna say it.

Blaine is sexy, but he is not a good manager.

He keeps pointing at me and goes, "This guy gets it," and I don't. I don't get it.

Well, none of us would have to deal with Blaine if someone had taken the management job when Laurie offered it to her.

What?

Uh, wait.

She gave you the job?

No. No.

I mean, technically yes, she did, but only because I walked in on her doing something embarrassing.

Let's just say it involved her nose and cocaine.

( all gasping )

What?

Oh, my God!

So you could've had the job, but you turned it down?

Guys, I'm not going to blackmail my way into being the manager.

I should get it because I earned it.

Right, just like Blaine earned it by coming out of the district manager.

He was born into power like Prince Charles.

At least you're working for it like Meghan Markle.

Anyway, your blackmail cancels out his nepotism.

And it'd be a lot better for us.

I mean I rather work for you than a guy my own age.

Oh, honey.

You got to do what's for the greater good.

If you could cure cancer, but you had to blow up a bus full of children, wouldn't you do it?

I mean, I guess?

Just take the job.

You're not just doing it for you.

You're doing it for all of us.

I mean, I guess I would be better than Blaine.

Yeah.

Hey Amy, guess what?

One of the kids on that bus had the cure.

( crunch )

Twist ending.

Okay, well, maybe prison won't be too bad.

You know, maybe I can be the guy that tells the warden that the other guys are doing bad things and I'll just work my way up.

Glenn, you're not going to go to prison, okay?

It's fine. We... we just need to do about... what, 12 grand worth of damage in... in the next hour.

Oh.

We have fertilizer in the garden center.

We can make a b*mb.

I feel like going from embezzlement to domestic terrorism is the wrong direction.

We could hire termites to eat the store.

How do you hire termites?

I don't know, with wood?

Guys, no. No more.

She's been through enough.

( middle of the road music )

♪

Gary Oldman.

Gary Oldman!

Yes, it's Gary Oldman!

Oh!

I don't know who that is.

♪

( keys clacking )

Hey, Laur of the Rings. ( Chuckles )

Hello, Amy.

Um, I was thinking a little bit more about... about what you said before, uh, regarding, you know, who is a better fit here.

Oh, right.

Yes, except I already told corporate that I gave the job to Blaine, so...

Oh, okay.

Uh, well, um... speaking of... of telling things to corporate, just wanted to let you know that I...

I haven't said anything to them yet about the, um...

( keys clacking )

Cocaína.

That's cocaine.

Right.

Um, thank you.

Uh, you are a very good person.

Well, I mean, am I? ( Chuckles )

( chuckles )

( whispering ) I don't know.

I would just really hate for corporate to ever find out, because that would be bad, Laurie-wise.

Are you blackmailing me?

( chuckles ) No. No.

God, no. No. Sorry.

Okay.

( keys clacking )

( whispering ) Okay, yes, I am blackmailing you!

If you don't give me the job, I will call corporate and tell them that you are a huge ( bleep ) cokehead.

( sliding )

Really? That's the picture you chose?

I had to blow up the staff photo.

I couldn't find any other photos of you other than the one from Cheyenne's wedding, but with all the hair and makeup, it looked like you were trying to be a supermodel.

Yeah. Good call.

I think it looks good, Boss.

( middle of the road music )

Well, I'm sorry we couldn't get you all the way.

Yeah, but you tried your best, and I really appreciate that.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yup, don't worry about me.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

I can't believe he's not freaking out.

Yeah, well, I mean, once you finally decide to tell the truth... wait, what's he...

Whoa, no, stop!

No, no, no, no, no!

( crashing )

Both: Oh!

( all gasping )

Glenn!

Oh, my God, Glenn!

Are you okay?

( panting )

That ought to cover it, right?

Yeah, pretty much.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah, I thought so.