04x12 - Blizzard

[bunniefuu]

( wind howling )

Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers.

It's really comin' down out there.

Now, I'm not a licensed meteorologist, but I believe the technical term is snowy AF.

For anyone stocking up, we are limiting all water purchases to one case per person, and that does include coconut water, watermelon water, cucumber water, aloe water, probiotic water, and electric water, which is something I just made up but you probably got all excited about.

And if anybody lost a blue hair thingie, please come pick it up at customer service.

Oh, that's mine!

What?

( overlapping chatter )

( upbeat music )

( quirky music )

♪

The snow is already at my knees and shows no signs of slowing.

I know it doesn't look very high, but, once again, I'm 6'7", so it would be above the waist of a normal size person.

So much for global warming.

Actually, this... this is direct proof of the... nope, I'm not gonna take the bait.

I knew this blizzard was coming a week ago 'cause my macaw started having diarrhea.

Don't all birds diarrhea all the time?

Not like this.

Hey, Glenn?

Mm-hmm?

Um, it's really bad out there.

Do you think maybe we could all go home early?

Well, we're supposed to stay open till 11:00.

Come on, the only people left in the store are us and a few sample suckers.

Okay, you know what, yeah, I could give corporate a call, sure.

So much for global warming, huh?

It's not... it's not global warming.

It's climate change.

Shh.

No, but, if anything, this is proof...

Shh.

This...

( shivering )

Jerry.

Sandra, hi.

Hi. What are you...

Oh, you are a lifesaver.

Mmm. ( Kisses )

I ran out of vape juice.

It's really bad out there.

I hit some ice and almost skidded into a pet cem...

Oh, this is cotton candy.

I asked you for candy cane.

Oh, sorry.

( sighs ) Whatever.

I guess I don't matter.

Bye.

Bye.

Oh, you look so sad right now.

It's, like, haunting.

Can I take your picture?

Okay.

Oh, now you just look like a sad clown.

I can do it.

No, it's fine. The moment's passed.

It is really coming down out there, and I'm worried about people making it home safely.

Oh, of course, the most important thing is the safety of our employees.

Exactly, so, uh, I was hoping I could let everyone go a little early?

Oh, wouldn't that be such a sweet gesture?

Uh-huh, it... it would be, yes.

Well, if you need anything at all, we're here for you and, uh, we will be right up until closing time.

So you're saying we can't leave?

I'm saying we appreciate your commitment to stay.

Thank you.

♪ I didn't know nobody ♪
♪ And then I saw you coming my way ♪

( wind howling )

Attention, all remaining customers.

The governor has declared a state of emergency.

Customers are advised to get home before conditions worsen, which begs the question, what about employees who also drive cars and also have families and/or video games to get home to?

Yeah, I... I checked on that, and corporate would like us to stay until closing so...

( scoffs )

Glenn, this is crazy.

It's really bad out there.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe it's starting to lighten up a bit.

No, actually, it's getting worse.

Uh, they're calling it the snow-poca-blizz.

Oh, wait, nope, that's just some guy on Twitter trying to get it going.

Okay, well, you know, I'll try 'em again.

( phone beeping over PA )

Oh, no, no, no, Glenn, no, that's... you're still using the intercom phone.

( beeping and feedback over PA )

Ow!

Put it down.

Oh, phooey to corporate.

Let's just get outta here.

You heard the man, go, go!

Okay, before you go, can you unlock the razor case?

I don't know why you guys lock up the razor blades.

They're actually one of the most shoplifted items, high-ticket and easy to pocket.

People also steal name-brand detergent, condoms, baby formula.

You wouldn't think it, but they sell it and buy heroin.

Pretty grim. Anyway, happy to help.

Holy moly!

It is the snow-poca-blizz!

It is colder than the critical reception of Drake's last album!

That's what you said when we came out here last night!

Shut up. None of them heard it!

You guys think the bus is running on its regular schedule?

I doubt it!

But maybe we can split an Uber!

I can't see my car!

I lost one of my shoes!

Maybe we should go back inside!

No, we just have to get to our cars!

Oh, there's surge pricing!

I lost my other shoe!

It costs $1,400!

Okay, we have to go back inside!

We're gonna die out here!

It is colder than the critical reception of Justin Timberlake's last album!

We heard you the first time!

Well, I just heard an update on KFR-AM 520 with Bill Mudd, the Weather Stud... who, by the way, if you go to their website, is far from studly.

Oh, his eyes are on the side of his head.

I know.

Yeah.

Anyway, it looks as though we are stuck here tonight.

Oh!

What?

What?

Come on.

So because corporate couldn't let us home a tad bit earlier, now I can't get home to my children?

I thought Adam has the kids tonight.

He does. I'm just trying to make a point.

I was gonna host chili night tonight.

We were gonna host chili night tonight.

Well, it's my apartment.

You're just bringing the chili.

The chili's the whole point.

So we're just supposed to spend the night here like homeless people.

Yes, this is the exact sleeping situation homeless people have.

They wouldn't sleep here.

This place is crawling with raccoons.

I let a homeless guy use my bathroom once.

Now he just does it when I'm not even home.

Okay, we have no idea how long we're gonna be stuck here, so we need to ration our food.

The less we eat up front, the longer we can go before we start eating each other later.

Um, I have a child here.

That is an amazing offer, but why don't we just try and get out of here alive before we start eating the children, huh?

I... I don't think it'll come to that.

Let's just help ourselves to whatever we need: bedding, food, pajamas, you know.

Mi casa is sues mos, wazzas.

Cell phones are out.

Do you have a landline I can call my family from?

Oh, sure, yeah, you can use the phone at customer service.

And can I also use it to call my mistress?

Is... is... is... is she nice?

She's okay.

Well, that's good.

( Janet Jackson's "Nasty" playing )

♪ Oh, you nasty boys ♪
♪ I don't like no nasty car ♪
♪ I don't like nasty... ♪

So how have you been?

Good.

Carol doesn't let me eat sugar.

Oh, cool.

You look good.

Thanks.

You look nice too.

Thanks.

I was thinking about getting bangs, but I didn't.

Hmm.

Where should I set up my stuff?

Oh, anywhere is fine.

Are you crazy?

You know that we're liable for any assaults that take place tonight, right?

I...

Now, you need to set up in the very center of the floor, okay?

We need to keep the hotties in the middle, make them harder to get to.

That's how wolves protect their hottest wolves.

Okay.

Listen, I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure you make it through the night alive, okay?

Oh, all right, thanks, Dina.

You know, we should really tie bells to some of the creeps so we can hear them coming.

No, I'm not gonna make it tonight.

Just enjoy the hotel room. Watch some HBO.

Use all the blankets. Take 'em in the shower.

( chuckling ) Doesn't cost nothin'.

Just nothing from the minibar.

( wind howling )

See, this isn't so bad.

It's like we're all having a big slumber party.

Ooh, we should do a Ouija board.

Nah, the only dead guy here is Sal, and I don't want to talk to that dude.

Oh, we could play Spin the Bottle.

I'm awesome at Spin the Bottle.

I can make it spin forever.

It's like a wrist thing.

All right, let's go around and each of us say how we lost our virginity.

Oh, no, we don't need to do that.

Okay, for me, it was Mark Benthis.

He was this jock in high school, and I was tutoring him in English.

So one day, he comes to my house to study after basketball practice and he's all sweaty and one thing leads to another.

Alley-oop.

Swish.

That's awesome.

Did you guys date after that?

No, he pretended not to know me, so I started tutoring him wrong.

If he thought he was dyslexic before... ( laughs )

Oh.

Mine was a French foreign exchange student my family hosted when I was 16.

After a couple weeks, it was avoir la petit mort.

Please tell me that means s*x.

Uh, yes.

Yes, awesome. Lucky girl.

Jasmine Mendoza.

Oh?

Wow.

I know. I was so freaked out afterwards, she had to take me to the emergency room.

Aww.

I'm crying.

For me, it was Adam, duh.

It was the night before his state wrestling championship, and he begged me because he didn't want to pop a boner during his match.

So how'd he do?

He broke his foot and lost his scholarship.

Ouch.

At least he didn't get a boner.

No, he still did, actually.

To this day, he still calls that the week of boners that ruined his life.

Hmm.

All right, who's next?

Sandra, you go.

Um, what do we do if the person we did it with is here?

( clears throat )

( wind howling )

Jesus, your feet are freezing.

Come on. How 'bout now?

No, I... they're like blocks of ice.

Come on, that's your job.

It's not my job.

Yes.

Then I quit.

Stop.

It's freezing.

Oh, so you guys are sharing a bed.

That's so husband and wife.

Yeah, well, there... there weren't many mattresses.

Oh, never mind, cool. Cool.

It just... you know, could you not maybe...

If you could avoid...

Having s*x on an air mattress surrounded by our coworkers?

We will try to contain ourselves.

Oh, okay, great, thank you.

Good night.

Good night.

Huh?

Jesus!

Good night, Marcus.

Ah.

( snoring )

No, Glenn, we're okay.

We don't...

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah, that's cozy.

There we go.

That is... that is comfortable.

( quirky music )

♪

Is this good?

No, Jerry.

Sorry.

Don't apologize. Just be better.

Sandra, where are you going?

I'm gonna sleep in the break room.

Nobody moves after light's out.

It's for Cheyenne's security.

Oh, okay.

Don't move your arms so much.

Just lie there.

( quirky music )

♪

( groans )

Hey.

( groans )

Cheyenne, wake up.

( groans )

Rise and Cheyenne.

( groans )

Girl, wake up.

( groans )

Jesus, wake up, you ox!

( groans )

I think our mattress deflated.

Oh, is that what that sound was?

I thought you were just continuously farting all night, which I thought was cute.

( groans ) Mornin'.

You guys want coffee?

Um, no, that's...

No, I'm... pen1s.

We're okay.

Thanks.

All right.

Oh, hey, do you guys wanna come for breakfast?

It's Thursday, so we're having waffle sticks and pancake rollovers and French toast poppers.

Yeah, I think we've spent enough time with each other for a while.

( doors whirring )

That is a lot of snow.

Yes! I told you!

I said we need to ration our food because we may be stuck in there for a while, but did any of you listen to me?

Nope, and now we very well may starve to death.

( laughs ) In your faces!

Boom! Always right.

Another one for the good guys.

( wind howling )

Sorry, baby, I'm just gonna be a few more hours.

Um, hey, uh, don't eat the free breakfast and see if they'll credit it to the room.

And, uh, you didn't do laundry, did you?

Okay, mention that.

Would you mention that you didn't do any laundry?

Okay, um, how about what is the most embarrassing way you've ever injured yourself?

Go.

Uh, about ten years ago, I tried to run a marathon, and I made it almost the entire way, but three feet before the finish line, I passed out from dehydration.

Wait, how is that embarrassing?

That's just bragging that you finished most of a marathon.

I chipped my tooth biting a chocolate coin that turned out to just be a quarter.

And then another time, I fell up an escalator when I was taking a selfie.

I got my pen1s caught in my friend Russell's zipper.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I just gotta... where was Russell's pen1s?

For a while, neither of us knew.

I slipped in the shower once.

That's not that embarrassing.

Oh, yeah?

'Cause I slipped on my own poop.

What?

Why?

I had just deuced in the shower.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Why?

Okay, right, when you guys are in the shower and you have to go, you just hold it.

Yes. Yeah.

That's what you do when it's a number two.

Sure, so you don't poop in the shower every morning and stamp it down the drain with your feet?

( gags )

Oh, my God.

Oh, my...

No.

Okay, whatever. Screw you, snowflakes.

Bunch of princesses.

( scooter whirring )

All right, we've narrowed it down to two choices:

"Game of Thrones" season one or "Friends" season nine.

Is that the season with Paul Rudd?

Uh, I believe so, yeah.

Pass.

My son's six.

"Game of Thrones" has too much nudity.

I feel like both those shows have way too many white people.

Yeah, I got to agree.

I watch TV as an escape, not to see more white people.

Well, I could watch something with a little more diversity.

How about "Empire"?

( inhales )

Gonna start right in the deep end, huh?

Guys, there are two DVDs:

"Game of Thrones" season one, "Friends" season nine.

That's it.

It has to be one of those choices.

You know, I've always wanted to watch "Orange Is the New Black."

I'd watch that.

I thought you said your son couldn't watch nudity.

He likes strong female leads.

Just a little more color on your cheeks.

There.

How do I look?

You look good.

Really?

I think he looks like his whore sister.

( out-of-tune guitar chord )

( scooter beeping )

( Slinky zinging )

Ah!

Can you stop doing that?

What?

That "ah" you do every time you move.

It bugs.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize I did that.

Let me know if I'm doing anything else that "bugs."

Um, those bunny ears with your hands when you talk are annoying.

Um, noted.

Um, I'll try not to do anything else, um, annoying when I, um, talk.

Thank you.

He's making fun of you, Cheyenne, because he thinks he's better than everyone else here.

Oh, I'm sorry, he thinks he's better than everyone?

You're the one who walks into the break room every morning and says, "Good morning, turd people."

It wasn't funny the first time.

It's not supposed to be funny.

It's supposed to make you feel bad for being turd people.

Okay, guys, come on.

Let's be nice to each other, you know.

Spending all this time together can make us a little bit bonkers.

It's true.

Do you know how many murders happen on submarines?

Okay, great.

Well, then let's all stop annoying each other and nobody has to get hurt.

What if we don't know what we're doing that's annoying?

Paradox.

Maybe we should go around and each say something about someone that annoys us.

Mm, that sounds like a real bad idea.

"That sounds like a real bad idea."

Who am I?

Oh! Amy. Easy.

Okay, fine, let's do this.

Uh, Mateo, when you say "touché," you sound like a douché.

Who's next?

♪ I don't mind if there's not much to say ♪
♪ Sometimes the silence guides a mind ♪
♪ To move to a place so far away ♪

You don't know how to tell a story, Glenn.

You get lost in the details, like whatever people were having for lunch.

I am trying to paint a picture.

Nobody cares if it doesn't impact the story.

I hate Mateo's anticlimactic sneezes.

It's a lot of build-up for a tiny, little "achoo."

Yeah, and it's always, like, three or four of them in a row.

He just likes the attention.

Isaac, you need to stop calling me brother.

I don't do that.

You do. I've heard it.

Okay, maybe, but I don't do it to sound cool.

I do it 'cause you're black.

Garrett, your breath smells like farts, and your farts smell like food.

You need to see a doctor.

And, Marcus, why do you smell like sour milk?

I eat cereal while I drive to work, and most of the time, it spills.

Dina, your voice is a smidge loud.

Well, I'm so sorry that I have an unusually large diaphragm!

That makes two of us! Up top!

Get your ( bleep )ing hand out of my face!

Speaking of loud, when Amy chews chips, it sounds like she's eating a microphone.

Aren't you just, like, a customer?

Yeah, I'm Terry.

Hi, Terry.

Shut the hell up.

Yeah, you're not a part of this.

This is Cloud 9.

We don't give a damn what customers think.

Yeah, why don't you go stew in softlines?

Bye-bye.

Yeah, get out of here.

Bye.

Okay, okay.

Bye.

Can you believe that guy, barging in here like he's part of the family?

Guys, guys, who am I?

"I'm Terry."

Yeah, that's exactly what he sounds like.

( laughter )

So good.

( laughs )

Nailed it.

Okay, so if I had to eat someone here, it would be... Glenn 'cause he eats a lot of sugar, so he'd be the sweetest.

Aw, thank you.

My blood sugar is really high.

I'm prediabetic.

Personally, I wouldn't eat anyone over the age of 35.

I know there's no expiration date on people, but that's when they start to turn.

Oh, Jenga!

Yes!

Jenga!

That's a Jenga.

Yas, Jenga.

Cheers.

That's a Jenga.

Nice.

( slurps )

( sniffs )

Okay, okay, well, it's a cherry cola.

The acidity is too intense for Coca-Cola Cherry, and it's not quite full-bodied enough to be Cloud 9 Cherry Splash.

RC Cherry Cola.

It's Bud Light Lime.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm getting that.

Yes!

How are you so good?

You never golfed before, like, a year ago.

I never big golfed, but I used to mini golf all the time.

Big golfed?

Yeah.

If we make it out of here alive, I might take you to my favorite mini golf place.

You're not sick of me yet?

No. Are you sick of me?

Nah.

What about now? Are you sick of me now?

Um.

Is this making you sick of me?

Well.

Breath smells like farts.

I'm sure my breath doesn't smell like farts.

Oh, hey, excuse me, man. Is this place open?

How'd you get in here?

Just through the doors.

Did they plow the parking lot?

I guess so.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, it's kind of cold outside.

You might want to put on... No, I'm good. I'm good.

Whoo!

( Harvey Danger's "Flagpole Sitta" playing )

♪ I'm not sick, but I'm not well ♪
♪ And I'm so hot ♪

The trick is to take a box out without knocking over the rest of the tower.

Whoa.

Yep, that's the trick.

Cool.

We're out of orange juice.

I got a secret stash in my office.

On it.

Dina.

Hi, Dina.

I was just coming to get some juice, but, um, think I'll just drink it straight.

Okay.