04x10 - Cloud 9 Academy

[bunniefuu]

Why don't we go around the room and everyone tell us your name and, uh, what brings you here.

Why don't we start with, uh, you?

Uh, okay. Yeah, hi.

Uh, I'm Amy Sosa.

Um, sorry, am I supposed to be standing?

Should I...

It doesn't matter.

Well, then I'll just roll with standing, since I'm already up here.

Hope the rest of you stand so I don't look like such a weirdo.

Okay, all right.

Um, well, so, I have been at Cloud 9 for 16 years.

And I have always heard of the management training program, and I finally thought to myself, "Forget that blue vest, you better get that cloud tie, girl."

So I'm very excited.

Um, I think...

I'm Cheyenne.

I work with Amy.

Um, she suggested I come to the program, so I just thought, "Why not"?

So long as she'd give me a ride.

I can't drive right now, 'cause I have bees in my car.

Um, okay thanks.

Ladies, this is the embalming conference.

( projector whirring )

Oh.

Okay, yeah.

I think we're in the wrong room.

We should... we'll just go.

( upbeat music )

♪ ♪

To make the process easier, we've broken down...

Hi.

Is this the Cloud 9 Academy?

Yeah, shh, mmhmm.

Okay.

( door slams )

Ooh, that was loud.

The first "L" of Leadership is loyalty.

Leaders are loyal...

Um, whoa, sorry, would you sit over there so I could sit next to my friend?

Oh, no, Cheyenne, it's okay.

Why don't you just take that chair?

Oh. Um, okay.

Leaders never stop learning.

Failure can be scary, but it's not something to fear...

( thudding )

You learn from every mistake you make along the way.

Ooh.

There goes my jacket.

( scraping and clanking )

We were given two ears and one mouth for a reason.

We should all try to spend more time listening...

Could you just, um, scoot over a little bit?

Then I'll... I'll have enough room to sit here too.

'Cause I'm in the aisle right now, so...

Because we don't have to hold the specific position to be leaders.

Thank you.

I don't understand why they make it so hard to apply for asylum.

Applying to be a refugee was even worse.

Really?

No wonder we have so few refugees.

I don't understand how you could apply for asylum.

( scoffs ) It's not easy.

"List your extended family." ( chuckles )

I'm Filipino, that'll take years.

Says you need to show that if you were sent back, you might be persecuted based on your, "race, religion, nationality, political opinion, or membership in a particular social group."

Well, I was in an a cappella group once in school.

I mean, we weren't persecuted, but people were really judge-y.

I think they mean more like if you thought you might be arrested because you were, like, a prominent Duterte critic or something.

Do you think they'd believe Duterte would have me k*lled for being in an a capella group?

'Cause we were really bad.

Well, not me, I was good, but one guy was off-key all the time.

Okay, Rose, say hi to everyone.

Say hi. Say hi, come on.

Say hi. Say hi.

That's it, say hi.

Okay, do we have to wait till she develops speech, or can we just move on?

It's Jerusha's day to clean our pastor's gutters, so I get to bring her in.

Dina, can you hold her for a bit while I set up her things in my office?

Ooh, yeah, I'm really not a baby person.

And for future reference, I'm also not a wool sock person or a reptile person.

But she's not just some random baby.

She lived in you for nine months.

Yeah, I guess it's like if you're shopping at Goodwill, and you see an old shirt of yours you donated, and you go, "Hey, that was my shirt."

And for a second it feels meaningful, but then you realize it's not.

Fine.

Uncle Garrett, looks like you're up.

Oh, no I don't think that's a good idea.

I'm not good with kids.

Just don't shake her.

Okay, so this is happening.

Oh, my Gosh.

Okay. Okay.

You're a natural.

Daddy loves you, Rose.

( cooing )

Yeah, if Daddy loved you, he would have gotten you a babysitter.

Why don't you think about that?

( babbles )

It seems like a good spread, but it was an even better spread last year.

They had cereal.

Mmm.

So, if you were here last year, why are you taking the class again?

'Cause I didn't pass the first time.

Thanks for making me say it.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I really didn't mean to...

( indistinct chatter )

Excuse me, hi.

Quick question: Is this a class that people fail often?

Well, I mean, I wouldn't like to call it "failing," but yeah, people fail.

Oh.

I thought this was just sort of like a introductory seminar.

If you don't mind, this is a short break, and I'm trying to eat my breakfast.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, sorry.

Danish away.

I'm just gonna...

It's just, I'm a little bit concerned, because I've waited so long to do the manager thing and to kind of find out all of a sudden that I could potentially fail out on the first day...

We only get so many breaks, so I'm gonna hit this.

Yeah, no, you should hit it. Yeah, okay.

Just wanna make sure that the interrupting thing isn't gonna affect the pass/fail...

You know what, ( bleep ), let's just start.

Let's just start!

So I was just folding pants, and I had the best idea: I should take down Duterte.

And you got that from pants?

It's just so I qualify for asylum, but here, check out my Facebook page "Ermagherd, Duterte."

Mm-hmm.

"Rodrigo Duterte doesn't respect human rights, but that's none of my business," over a picture of Kermit the Frog sipping tea.

That one's got a lot of likes.

Yeah, I don't know that reposting a bunch of memes qualifies you as a political dissident.

Well, then what would?

I don't know, uh...

Actually being the leader of an actual activist group that actually opposes Duterte.

Ugh, okay, fine.

Marcus, I'm starting a group, you in?

Definitely.

Revolution begins.

Now in the warehouse, if your non-con feeders are doing full pallet pick...

Amy, hey. What's a "non-con"?

Non-conveyable, it's in the book.

Amy, could you focus up, please?

Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

I was just, um... I'm sorry.

Anyway, it's called a warehouse, but don't let it wear you out.

( laughs )

Sorry, I... I'm just... I'm laughing because I was listening... to you.

It's not my joke. It's part of the lesson plan.

You delivered it funny.

So the next thing I would do is say, "Well, you better listen to me or else I'm gonna go in the break room and sprinkle a little bit of pee on your food every day until all you're eating is pee."

Uh-huh.

Uh, preferred answer would be find someone else to work the holiday.

But, uh, thank you for sharing. That was horrifying.

All right, so, now you guys are going to design a program to improve customer satisfaction.

Everyone pick a partner, and choose wisely, the wrong partner can literally ruin your life.

Oh, you...

Wanna work together?

Uh, well, um... I... I don't...

Gary, uh, probably not a great idea to work with someone we already know, right?

Oh, I don't care.

Oh, well, Gary doesn't care, so, yeah.

Baller.

I was afraid I was gonna get stuck with some dunce.

Mm-hmm. That would suck.

Okay, how 'bout the International Anti-Duterte Society?

I-A-D-S.

No, wait, that's too close to AIDS.

People don't wanna join something that reminds them of AIDS.

Right, right.

( sighs )

Okay.

Outraged People...

Rallying Against Hate.

Are you just working backwards from Oprah?

I was, that's exactly what I was doing.

I like it.

You get asylum, you get asylum.

It's what she does.

Yeah, I know. I... I got it.

Okay.

Ow. ( Thud )

Really, this is how you care for a baby?

You just throw it in a cart like a sack of margarine.

"Sack of margarine"?

Fine, bag of butter.

Look, she's perfectly safe in there.

You wanna take care of her?

( scoffs ) God, no.

All right.

( indistinct chatter )

Nope, uh-uh.

I'm not gonna let you treat a baby this way.

Not even Glenn's baby.

It's not your fault your daddy's an idiot.

( crying )

Oh, okay.

We'll go play some checkers or chess or Trivial Pursuit, huh?

( crying )

Wasn't crying in the cart.

Okay, so, what if we tried something like allowing our frequent customers to double up on their rewards points?

Okay, or we could have, like, a Cloud 9 gnome, and sometimes he would give people, like, a hundred bucks, but other times we would, like, squirt them with ink.

And it's like, "Am I gonna risk getting gnomed"?

I like that area.

Um, building on it, what if we had complimentary coffee for customers the first hour of every morning?

Hmm, that sounds a little boring.

Really? 'Cause I think it sounds cool.

Morning coffee, we are on a roll.

Amy, we're partners. We can't just do your ideas.

Yeah, no, I know. I know that.

I'm sorry.

Okay, what if every Tuesday is Mardi Gras day, and the less you wear, the less you pay?

Mardi Gras Tuesdays, okay. I'm gonna write that down.

And I also wanna re-pitch my gnome idea.

What do we think about this frog?

It's very soft, but anatomically, they took a lot of liberties.

This seems like a lot of work for a baby you don't have feelings about.

No, I mean, it's a human child, I don't wish it ill will.

I'm not a psychopath.

I just don't particularly care more about this baby than I do about that one.

Who the hell is that baby?

Uh, thanks. I'll be right back.

I just gotta grab a few things.

Oh, no this isn't child care.

Oh, no, we don't provide this service.

See, that's what it looks like when you don't care about a baby.

Okay.

Good.

Come on, no.

No. No.

No.

( phone ringing )

Hello.

Oh, hey, Janet.

Oh, yay. Hey, it's Glenn.

Who?

Glenn, Glenn Sturgis.

I'll connect you.

No, no, no, Janet, don't hang up.

Don't... ( phone ringing )

Glenn Sturgis.

Stop Rodrigo Duterte.

He's ruthless, he's anti-free speech.

He's also brown if any racists are interested.

Hey, Sandra, are you busy later?

Actually, yeah.

We're pulling the plug on my grandmother tonight.

She was doing better for a while, then after her last stroke, she just never bounced back.

Well, that... that sounds terrible.

I... I... we were just gonna ask you to come to a meeting, but obviously you don't need...

I can come.

I just made that up to sound like I had plans.

Ooh, see you there.

All right. Whoo.

She's really fallen apart since that whole Jerry/Carol thing.

She is not okay.

Yeah.

Because by working together we can achieve sat...

Iss...

Faction.

Faction.

Wow, okay, a real mix of ideas there.

Some good, some a bit more terrible.

But they tell us to start with the good, so free coffee in the mornings, I like that.

Thank you, we were really proud of that one.

Yeah, that was... that was a team effort.

And I actually really love follow-up calls after large purchases.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks. Thank you.

Okay, now for the bad.

Back-to-school belly button piercings, awful.

Cardi B appreciation days, terrible.

And I can't comment on this 'cause I don't know what it is.

What's... what's an aisle maze?

I was a little bit confused about some of those ideas too, but I believe they were Cheyenne's ideas, so Cheyenne could probably explain it better.

Um, w... what did you mean by an aisle maze?

An aisle maze is... when you move the aisles around to make a maze.

That was the idea.

Yeah, it's one of those situations where the explanation doesn't make the idea any better.

Yeah.

So, up next we're gonna do a little role-play.

Amy, why don't you be the manager, and you're gonna talk to Cheyenne about her repeated absences.

Your job is to communicate your expectations without making her feel like she's being att*cked.

Okay?

And... go.

Um, hey, Cheyenne, you've been missing quite a bit of work lately.

Um, I'm sorry, can we, um, time out?

'Cause I'm starting to feel att*cked right now.

How was I attacking you?

Well, it wasn't so much the words, but the way that she is looking at me right now just makes it seem like she is really angry.

No, I... I wasn't.

Hey, Amy, if that's what you're giving off, try to accept it and correct it.

Okay.

Hey, sweetie.

( belching )

Harrison, stop burping into the intercom.

( belches )

( sighs ) Thank you so much.

Okay, Piper, Peppa, be good.

Oh, wait, no, this isn't a daycare.

Our mailman's now our dad.

Cool. Have a seat on the rug.

Thank you all for coming to the inaugural meeting of, uh, St. Louis Society Against Duterte.

( applause )

SLSAD.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

So, what kind of stuff are we gonna be doing?

That is a good question.

Jonah, wanna handle this one?

Um, we could... start with a letter-writing campaign.

Yes.

Who would we write letters to?

I guess Duterte.

So does anyone know his address?

Duterte imprisoned a lot of my family.

I'd rather not be pen pals with him.

Guys, we should march on something.

What could we march on?

How 'bout Washington?

I was just gonna say Washington.

Yeah.

Okay, how do we do a march?

There's, like, eight of us, that's more of a walk.

I wouldn't mind taking a walk.

Yeah, I like a good walk.

Yeah.

Right?

Please work, please work, please work.

( grunts )

( groans )

Kylie, we can't use our taekwondo moves on someone else's body, okay?

Leo, I don't care if your father's a police officer.

This is my jurisdiction.

Your butt smells.

That's not a burn, it's true of everyone.

I think Glenn's kid is getting hungry.

Do we have any more of that formula?

She doesn't drink formula, she's still on breast-milk.

I've been pumping and selling it to Glenn for a dollar an ounce.

It's Iranian saffron prices.

I guess I could go pump.

What? No. That... that'll take too long.

Just do it right here. No, that's weird.

Come on, go for it. Do it.

( crying )

All right, hey, listen to me.

You're out of control, okay?

You're a baby, your life is not that hard.

You're embarrassing yourself.

( crying )

All right, fine.

It's just that when you b*at up that dog, it really traumatized those deaf kids.

I will try not to do that again.

Um... can we circle back to your absences?

Well, I only skip work because you're always telling r*cist jokes and always making me sit on your lap during performance reviews.

Okay.

And I'm not the only one.

Sheila told me that you're always making her give you back rubs.

Right, Sheila?

Um... yeah.

Sheila.

She did the same thing to me.

Then she put her fingers in my mouth.

Look, if we can just make up whatever we want about everyone, well, then Sheila, you put a b*mb in your locker.

Boom.

And Terrence, you stole $40 billion from the cash register.

And Cheyenne, you're going to jail, because you poisoned the Danishes, and now Gary's gonna die.

Boo-hoo. You're fired.

What about a fundraiser? We could do a bake sale.

What would we do with the money?

I guess we pay off the supplies and then split anything that was leftover.

So wouldn't that just be starting a baked goods company?

Okay, how 'bout we do a rally?

( sighs )

Put up some banners, maybe get a band to play or something?

I know someone at the local news.

I bet they would do a story on it.

No, guys, I say we get some rafts, and we get some paddles and we take this guy down Bay of Pigs style.

You know Bay of Pigs ended badly, right?

For the pigs, maybe.

All: Hey, hey, ho, ho, Duterte's gotta go.

Hey, hey...

Wow, you guys got the news to show up.

Doesn't that make you nervous?

Not really.

I'm just one of those people that shines through the lens.

If it were me, I'd probably be thinking, "Sayid, don't criticize the government on camera, because if it doesn't work and you do get deported, you're definitely getting tortured and m*rder*d over there."

Anyway, I'm gonna go play Pokémon Go.

I hear there's a Snorlax near the loading dock.

All: Gotta go.

Hey, hey, ho, ho, Duterte...

When I clean a window, I use Windex.

When I clean the tiles, I use Tilex.

But when I clean the floors...

Oh.

( grunting )

( panting )

Janet, Sarah.

( panting )

Oh, um, I think a large bird may have pooped in my office wastebasket, so if someone could clean that up.

He has lost his mind.

That man ( bleep ) in his office.

All right, everybody, you did it, give yourselves a hand.

( applause )

Don't forget on your way out to pick up a diploma.

There's a blank spot where you can write in your name.

Or if you really want, I can try to figure out how to do it on the printer.

Let's go, come on.

( indistinct chatter )

So, I kinda got in my own head today and probably could have been cooler.

Yeah, you sucked.

For the record, you did imply I was a pill-popping workplace predator.

I did, that was awesome.

Hey, ladies.

The guys from the embalming seminar invited us out for drinks.

They said they could show us the dead bodies.

I mean, I could get a drink.

Dead bodies? Hell yeah.

I haven't been to a dead body party since high school.

Oh.

The Philippines may be 8,000 miles away, but that isn't stopping this protest against its controversial president.

Mateo Liwanag is leading the rally.

Mateo, tell us, why do you oppose Duterte?

Um, well, "oppose" is, uh, kind of a strong word.

Uh, I wouldn't say that we "oppose" him.

Right, right.

Yeah, we're... we're just, uh, spreading awareness, uh, and information without judgment.

What?

Yes.

So the group you started, the St. Louis Society Against Duterte, is not actually against Duterte?

It's a big tent, you know?

Some of us are pro, some of us are against.

Uh, and some are in the middle.

Yeah, it's complicated, you know?

There's good people on both... on both sides.

Yeah.

What are you guys talking about?

The guy's a monster.

No, that's... I don't know...

I never said "monster."

I mean, that is your opinion. Yeah, he-he...

Hey, you better watch out, Duterte.

You're a dead man.

When you wake up tomorrow, you're gonna be in a world of hurt, 'cause this guy right here, he's a comin' for ya.

Mateo Liwanag.

And you remember that name...

Don't...

Mateo Liwanag.

That's not my name.

Ma-te-o.

And cut.

♪ Arroro mi nino ♪
♪ Arroro mi sol ♪

You like the baby, you like the baby.

I wouldn't say "like."

Hey, guys.

I'm so sorry I'm late.

I... I got stuck, but I can take Rose back now.

Come on, baby.

Come on.

Oh.

Oh, thank you for watching her.

Daddy had a big day.

You mean this is...

A crime? Yeah.