04x15 - Salary

[bunniefuu]

First order of business... another foot was found in the parking lot.

Wow. It's so weird seeing you as the manager.

It's like that one time my math teacher became my stepdad for a little bit.

Like, what?

It's a big change. Must be weird.

Anyway, this foot had the number eight written on it, which is concerning because we've only found two other feet, so keep your eyes open.

Sorry. Sorry I'm late.

The baby was throwing up all night, t the doctor said it's probably 'cause I just gave her part of my buffalo chicken wrap, you know?

Okay, uh, let's get down to business.

Uh, Glenn?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. You're not manager anymore.

Oh. Oh, my gosh! I'm so sorry.

After 30 years, it's just... it's muscle memory.

Of course. Yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna go take my seat and...

Oh, you can read my announcements.

Oh, no, I wrote up my own announcements... I'm good.

There's some real goodies in here.

They're gonna eat it up. Trust me.

Go ahead. Read.

"So I bet you're wondering why there are so many cops in the parking lot."

"Let's just say there's a mystery afoot."

( all groan )

( upbeat music )

♪

Hey boss.

Hey.

Little office-warming gift. Got it in the Garden Center.

I'm not sure what it is.

The tag just said, "Medium Plant."

It's a large plant that didn't grow.

How cool is this?

It's very cool.

That's it? You have your own office now.

You've made it. How are you not ecstatic?

I'm happy. What do you want me to do?

I don't know.

Spin around in your chair, feel the power.

Is this good for you?

Feels pretty powerful to me.

I feel like you're mocking me.

No. I would never.

If someone held a g*n to your head and asked you, "Who would be the best person to replace Amy as floor supervisor," who would you say?

Probably the guy with the g*n.

Okay. No, he doesn't want the job.

Oh, well, then what's up with the g*n?

Forget the g*n. Who would you pick?

Okay, if I had to pick someone here, it would probably be...

Actually, you would be good for it.

I know. That's what everyone is saying.

But I don't think Amy sees me as a leader.

In her eyes, I'd always be the wide-eyed ingenue... new to the city, naive but hopeful, someone who can eat whatever he wants and never put on any weight.

Maybe you just need to step up and start acting like a leader.

Fake it 'till you make it.

What does that even mean?

Like, I should just start telling people what to do?

It worked for Bo.

One day he walked into a drugstore wearing a white coat, and now he's a pharmacist tech.

Really?

We don't have to buy street dr*gs anymore.

But why would Paul Walker's ghost single you out?

I'm just saying... sometimes the car speeds up even when I'm not pressing on the gas.

Good morning, fellow floor workers?

Floor worker Glenn Sturgis, at your service.

What's with the shirt?

Oh, this is a little bit of history... the original Cloud 9 uniform.

One size fits all, and it still fits.

Oh, well, looks like you're ready for work.

You got your shirt, you got your giant orthopedic shoes.

And customized insoles from The Walking Company.

And also, Jerusha and I are splitting a pair of clogs, 'cause we're the same size... women's 15.

Yeah. Your wife has beautiful feet.

Thank you. Anyway, so where do we begin?

Someone diarrhea'd in the toy aisle.

Oh, dibs! If... if you don't mind.

That's all you, dude.

You got it.

Enjoy.

Okay.

Off to mop the slop.

Ah, man, he made it sound fun.

No, he didn't.

Yeah, he did.

Your dad is getting good.

Right?

He's in this whole Brat Pack phase.

16-year-old Amy is very excited.

Oh, were you in the middle of s*x?

I wasn't. Were you?

No.

Weird.

It really smells like s*x in here.

( sniffs ) Probably smelling myself.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about our security system.

Uh, what's wrong with it?

It's crap.

Glenn never let me upgrade it because of the cost, which is why I am so excited that you're in charge.

Uh, well, what does it cost?

Honestly, not that much. It's just, like, a... just a tiny bit north of $600,000.

$800,000, to be precise.

Oh, yeah, well, that sounds like a bargain.

Um, Jonah, what do you think?

Um, we...

Well, um, technology is always changing, so I'd probably wait a minute before investing in something new.

Hmm. That... that's a really good point.

Maybe we should revisit this.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Thank you, Jonah, for your input.

So glad you were here to chime in with your... valuable perspective.

I feel like she didn't mean that.

( Muzak playing )

( exhales deeply )

Now, that is a nice-looking display.

Thanks. I sorted them by order of smells I encountered growing up.

Well, um, since you're done here, why don't you go, um, straighten out the linen section?

Oh, um... did someone say I should?

I mean... who...

Who... ( clears throat )

What?

♪

Nothing.

Hmm.

♪

( scoffs )

( exhales sharply )

How is Fig Newton the first thing you ever smelled?

And I just want to confirm, are you gonna want an assistant?

Uh, oh, do I get an assistant?

Glenn never had one.

Yeah, he always thought it would come out of his salary, but it doesn't.

Speaking of, um, I...

I don't even really know what my salary is.

Would you... would you happen to have it?

Oh, it's, um, $109,000.

( stammering )

Hello? Are you still there?

Uh, yes. Uh... ( stammers )

Yeah. Uh, uh-huh. Sorry, sorry. Um...

Did you, uh...

You said $100,000?

And $9,000, plus a yearly bonus, usually around $10,000.

$10,000? Oh, excuse me.

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry.

Hello? Hello? Hi, hi, hi.

You still there?

Yeah.

Um, okay, so... so when you say $10,000, you mean, like, on top of the previously mentioned $9,000, or is it, like, a part of the $9,000 so it's really just, like, $1,000?

I don't know what that means, but it's a total of $119,000.

And those are real, firm, rock-hard numbers?

That's... I'm sorry if that sounded over-sexual.

I'm just looking for confirmation.

Uh-huh. So I'll just fax over the contract, and you can sign it at your convenience.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's convenient right now.

Uh, I could... I could do that right now. Uh-huh.

Do you want to hear about your perks?

Holy ( bleep )!

Yes, I would like to, um, hear about those, please.

( upbeat funk music )

♪

Good morning, Sarah.

Looking great!

Good hustle, Brett!

♪

Hey, Sayid, you can go on a break.

I already had my break.

Well, then it's a double-break day for you, my friend.

You're in a good mood.

♪ Somebody got laid ♪

No, actually, I, um...

I'm just very happy.

I like my new job.

Oh, also, hey, everyone?

There are doughnuts in the break room.

( gasps )

Ooh, who forgot their doughnuts?

No, I bought them.

Okay.

Nobody eat the doughnuts. They're Amy's.

No, that's not... I...

Doesn't matter. Good job, everyone.

She's so weird about her doughnuts.

Hey, so I'm restocking this cereal, and there's something moving inside.

It's definitely alive, because I can hear it scratching.

I don't care about a cereal roach.

What I care about is you keeping your big nose... that's not a slur, just an expression... out of my business.

What are you talking about?

The way you ( bleep ) me out of that security system.

Let's keep something straight. You're the boyfriend.

I'm the assistant manager.

You get this, and you get this, maybe this... that's between you guys, I don't want to know.

Dina...

I said I don't want to know.

But this... everything north of the fun park... this is my domain.

So, basically, you're asking me to keep my opinions to myself and limit my relationship with Amy to wordless, mindless s*x.

Exactly.

Huh. I thought this was going to be a harder conversation.

I'm not saying no, but if I did, just out of curiosity, what would happen?

Help me out, man. Don't make me make her dump you.

Don't make me do that.

I think I'm gonna make you do it.

( sighs ) Fine.

You had your chance.

And, again, the nose thing wasn't...

You get it. I love everyone.

( Muzak playing )

Marcus, I'm gonna need you to fill in for Brett 'cause he raged out on someone's baby again.

Sayid, clean the pharmacy counter.

The kids have been inhaling the pill dust.

Why are you telling us what to do?

You're not floor supervisor.

Yeah, you're right.

I just went to Office Supplies, picked up a clipboard, filled it with blank paper, and started giving people orders, without any authority whatsoever.

( laughing ) I mean, come on.

Come on, get with the program, Sayid.

Look, Jonah's a bimbo. You're management now.

You don't see Dale Federman from the Clayton store walking around with some floozy on his arm.

Okay? Keep him at the kids' table.

Yeah, no, those... you make some really great points.

I'll keep them in mind.

Well, just think about it.

And if you need to have some rebound s*x, I'm happy to call my guy.

He's great. Croatian.

Myrtle, hey.

How are you?

Oh, okay.

You eating some ketchup there?

They give me these packets for free.

If you leave it in your mouth, it gets warm and tastes just like... tomato soup.

( chuckles )

Um... uh... you know, if you're still in between jobs, they just promoted me to manager.

Of the Cardinals?

No, of the store.

( gasps )

And... and they told me that I could hire an assistant, but I don't really need and assistant, so...

Why don't I just hire you?

Oh, really?

I'll be the best assistant you've ever had.

No, no, no, you don't... you don't have to come in.

( whispering ) You can just take the money.

I used to work for Mr. Nelson of Pan-American Airlines.

I'll be here bright and early every morning with your racing forms and pipe tobacco.

Great. Yeah, well, welcome aboard.

♪ Grab a couple cans, stack 'em like blocks ♪
♪ Grab another can, start a new row ♪
♪ Having so much fun, watch me as I go ♪

Sorry.

That sucks.

Welcome to that floor-worker life.

I wanted to rebuild it anyway, 'cause I think if I make the base wider, I can go even higher.

Glenn, you know, it's okay to complain.

I do it all the time.

Well, I know you do.

What's that supposed to mean?

There's no such thing as a bad job.

If you have a good attitude, every job is fun.

It's not my attitude. This is a terrible job.

Well, okay. Whatever you say.

♪ Stacking up the canned foods ♪

Come on, now. Let's see it. Wave those hands.

♪ Stacking up the canned foods ♪

Come on! You know you want to.

Oh, hey, Myrtle. What are you doing here?

I just finished eating all the jelly beans she asked me to.

( chuckles )

Myrtle is my new assistant.

Oh.

Yes.

What should I do next?

Um, why don't you take the sales announcements to Garrett?

Oh, Garrett. Is he the...

What do they like to be called these days?

No, no, no, no. Let's not get into that.

Just take it over to customer service.

Aye, aye, Captain.

You get an assistant... and it's Myrtle?

Well, I just wanted to help the lady out.

Besides, I am in a good mood.

Ooh-hoo-hoo. What's going on?

I just found out my salary.

( gasps ) It's good?

I shouldn't say.

You are dying to tell me.

Yes, of course I'm dying to tell you.

Okay, I'm not gonna tell you my salary, but will you please hand me the contract that's sitting on my desk while I check out something on my wall and I trust you not to look?

( chuckles )

"Attention Cloud 9 customers, do you have a pet fish you love?"

No, that's... this is the sale announcements.

The sale announcements that Myrtle just took to Garrett?

Get her! Myrtle!

"Section 5, paragraph K... salary.

"Employee shall be paid at the rate of $109,000 annually."

Not sure why Amy wants you all to know she makes 109K, but, uh, good for her.

"Section 6... nondisclosure agreement."

I fear that ship has sailed.

I'm very sorry.

Obviously, I didn't intend to tell everyone how much I was making.

And, honestly, I'm quite surprised that anyone receiving that information from a clearly confused and elderly woman would make that announcement.

I'm a good soldier. I do what I'm told.

Well, I just want to say, it's awesome to see another floor supervisor doing so well.

I think I speak for all floor supervisors when I say you are an inspiration.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

It's probably tough on Jonah, though.

Can't imagine where this is going.

I'm just saying... making so much less money than your girlfriend, it's got to be emasculating.

Probably makes it tough to get an erection.

My erections are fine, thank you.

Fine? ( Chuckles ) Lucky lady.

I'm actually shocked you're not making more.

I mean, I thought a manager would at least make more than we do.

She does.

Uh, I don't think so.

How much do you make?

Same thing we all make...

$134,000 a year.

( all clamoring )

How do you make that much a year?

52 weeks times 30 hours a week times minimum wage...

86 bucks an hour.

No, no, no, no. Minimum wage is $8.60 an hour.

( gasp ) I must have missed a decimal point.

So no part of you thought to question why you were making $86 an hour to work retail?

I thought that's what we all made.

( sighs )

How do you guys live on under $134,000 a year?

I cut the budget. I let people go.

You're gonna have to pay that back.

Oh, now you're taking his money?

The rich get richer.

No, it goes back to corporate, not to me.

And who pays you? Corporate.

Funny how that works. Follow the money, people.

I can't pay that money back.

I'm living hand to mouth as it is.

I always say, "Mo' money, mo' problems."

That's what you say? You say that?

♪ I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell ♪
♪ I know right now you can't tell ♪
♪ But stay awhile and maybe... ♪

( Muzak playing )

Oop! Does anyone need any extra mayonnaise?

'Cause it's on me.

( laughs ) Good one.

It's nice that you can find the humor in all this.

Well, full disclosure...

I stole that from "Hi and Lois."

Hey, you know, if I was in your shoes, I'd just be thinking about that $90,000 a year that I walked away from.

You know, over the next 20 years, that's $1.8 million?

So I don't think anybody would blame you if you were a little upset.

No, I'm fine.

Hey, but do you feel like a BLT?

I do, 'cause I'm covered in mayonnaise!

( laughs ) BLT!

Oh, my God. I am literally dead.

No, Justine, it's not funny!

He's a miserable man, and it's a terrible job.

Clean that up, dork.

Uh-oh.

Clean up on aisle have-what-she's-having.

( laughing ) Stop!

I'm gonna pee my pants.

Well, if you do, I'll clean that up, too.

Stop! Oh, it's happening!

Oh, God! Yeah, yeah.

( laughing ) Not again.

Floor Supervisor Mateo Liwanag to Customer Service, please.

Floor Supervisor Mateo Liwanag to customer service.

( panting ) Oh.

That's me. Got to take it. ( Laughs )

Whoo!

You know who you should date is that hot guy that you came in with last week.

Oh, maybe.

Two problems... he's gay, and he's my brother.

Mm, I don't know. You guys had good chemistry.

Oh, what happened here?

I think it's slushie vomit.

And there's a whole sandwich in the middle, but I'm pretty sure someone just dropped it in after.

Yeah, probably.

People don't usually eat those whole.

( grunting )

Are you okay?

Oh.

My knees are just acting up.

I'm trying not to go to the doctor 'cause I'm saving up for a bike.

The bus driver keeps trying to drive me to his house.

Well, why don't you go take a break?

I'll clean this up. I can do this.

What are you doing? You're the manager... not some vomit girl like Sandra.

It's fine.

Some of it is mine, actually, you know, 'cause of the smell.

Look, guys, it's not like I'm above cleaning up vomit now.

I'm still, "Amy from the block, girl."

Thank you.

Amy, corporate just sent you a welcome basket with champagne.

Where should I put it?

Just anywhere.

Anywhere is fine.

Okay, I'll put it in your Lexus.

Whoa. You have a Lexus?

No, of course not.

There's also a man outside waiting for you with your company car.

It's a Lexus.

Oh, uh, well...

I guess I should probably go sign for it, then.

Um, sorry.

Next time. Can I just...

Sorry. Thank you.

Ow. Ow.

( tense music )

Yeah, you're gonna need to get all of that.

I don't know how I'm gonna pay back corporate. I'm broke.

How? You live with your mother.

Your car doesn't have any doors.

And you've been making $134,000 every year for the last six years.

Where does all the money go?

I don't know.

I get the guacamole from Chipotle every time.

Excuse me, do you sell any books by David Foster Wallace?

Uh, no, sorry.

I keep suggesting it, but the employees all just make "Infinite Jest" of me.

( laughter )

You're so funny.

Do you want to go outside and do it in your car?

Uh...

This young lady says she was paid to seduce me, record it on tape, and then give that tape to the store manager.

I requested a nerdy girl-next-door type.

You're just a bad girl they stuck a pair of glasses on.

Look, I'm sorry you're not getting your security system, but Amy and I are not gonna break up.

I can't believe you hired a prost*tute.

Sorry, s*x worker. You have agency.

So should I go?

I paid for two hours. You may as well help Justine re-price towels to match the new EDLPs.

Follow me.

Come on.

Oh, hey, Amy, this lady wants to use her EBT card to pay for diapers.

Yeah, we can't do that. They won't let us.

Do you know how expensive diapers are?

Yeah, I do, actually. I also have a baby.

Well, you also make $109,000 a year, so you're not exactly in the same boat.

Well, I wasn't saying that I was in the same boat.

I was just saying that I understand the cost of diapers.

I mean, obviously, I can... I can pay for diapers.

Really? Thank you.

That's generous of you.

Oh, no, no. No.

Sorry, I wasn't saying that I could pay for your diapers.

Oh.

I mean, I would.

It's just that if I went around buying everyone's diapers who's on food stamps, I'd be broke in, like, a day.

Sure, it's fine. I'll buy them myself.

God bless America.

I know, right?

I'm sorry. I just... I don't... I don't understand why it's my responsibility to buy your diapers.

You know what? Fine. Okay, cool.

Yeah, I can... I can buy these diapers.

Run the card.

But I'm... I'm not paying for the candy.

Oh! So, because you're rich, you know what's best for me, and I'm just too fat for candy?

No, that is not what I said.

I will pay for the candy, obviously.

Garrett, I just found the funniest thing while I was cleaning.

It was a rat inside a used condom.

I was like, "How did you get in there, little fella?"

This is a bad job, okay?

This is a soul-crushing, miserable place to work.

I know that. I know that in my heart.

Nothing you say will ever, ever take that away from me.

( Muzak playing )

Okay.

See you later.

♪

Hi! Welcome to Cloud 9.

Oh, why, thank you!

Do you like cool savings?

Yes, I do.

Why not check out our frozen treats in Grocery?

Oh, I will. Thank you so much.

Frozen treats.

♪

Hey, Mateo, after I do go-backs, I'm gonna take 15?

Thanks, Joelle.

♪

Hmm. ( Clears throat )

♪

Everything okay?

( sighs ) Rough day.

Yeah, I heard.

If it makes you feel any better, I turned down s*x with a hooker for you.

Oh! That does make me feel better.

I can't wait for this day to be over.

I need a drink.

So let's go get a drink!

It's the middle of the day.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

You don't want to get in trouble with your boss.

Oh, wait.

I'm the boss.

Yeah, that's where I was going with that.

Let's go get a drink.

All right.

But you're paying.

You won't stop bragging about how much money you make.

$109,000.

All right, all right.

Plus perks.

What?