[Children] Should auld acquaintance be forgot And never brought to mind Should auld acquaintance-- [Elderly Man] We used to have 50 on staff here. Fifty.
I'm the only one left.
All comes down to one schmuck: me, the night shift bellhop.
What the hell is that? A bellhop? Huh? What is he?
Y-You know where the name comes from?
Huh? [Chuckles] lt's so simple, it's stupid.
Some schmuck rings a bell and ya hop.
Ya hop front and center.
[Younger Man] Did you ever meet any of the old stars, then?
What, are you kiddin'? I took Rin Tin Tin out for a sh*t, for Christ's sakes.
Ah, hey, you talk about stars, uh--
Hey, kid, put this on.
Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on.
Let me see. Let me see.
You know, and to think that I wore that stupid thing for 50 years.
[Chuckling] To think l did that. Ah, sh*t, yeah.
Yeah, well-- Well, kid, I'm gettin' my ass outta here.
Yep.
Yep, kid, gotta go.
Listen, kid, stay clear of... night clerks, kids, hookers and married arguments.
Come on, stand up. Come on. l wanna say good-bye.
Now, uh--
Let me see. You-- You wanna get a tip?
Hold your hand out. That's right. Now, uh, smile.
Give me a smile. Give me a smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Now, if the cocksucker doesn't pay ya, you say to yourself, uh, "f*ck you, Jack."
You know what I mean? You never miss.
Tell you something else:
Keep your cock in your pants.
[Singing Nonsense Syllables]
[Bell Dings]
[Bell Dings]
[Bell Dings]
[Hisses]
[Hissing Laughter]
[Hissing]
[Bell Rings]
[Vacuum Rushes]
[Bell Rings]
[Bell Rings]
[Whip Cracks]
[Women Laughing]
[Ship's Horn Blows]
[Whistling]
[Singing Nonsense Syllables]
[Clicks]
[Bell Rings]
[Pinball Machine Dings]
[Pinball Machine Continues]
[Bell Ringing]
[Pinball Machine Dings]
May I help you?
I have a reservation.
ln the honeymoon suite.
Kiva. [Woman] Wait up.
What'd I tell you about smoking?
You smoke. That's right, I do, and I'm addicted.
So, welcome to this week's edition of "Who is a Hypocrite?"
This is my first guest. That's enough, Kiva.
You're not my mother. Yes, I am.
Then why are we sleeping together?
Ahh.
Mmm.
Yes.
[Hisses]
[Clears Throat] Thank you.
Oh, you little stinker Oh, you sweet little muffin Yes, Mama loves the baby.
[Chuckling] [Meows]
Hello.
I'm lookin' for the room f or makin' love.
Oh, right. You must mean the honeymoon suite.
Well, it's straight that way. Can't miss it. Uh-huh. I know where it is.
I just wanted you to know that I know where I'm goin', so you needn't bother with me.
[Elevator Bell Dings] Well, no problem. Where's your luggage?
I travel light.
[Bell Dings]
[Bell Dings]
Tell me, how long have the others been here?
About an hour.
One hour.
[Door Opens]
[Exhales] You're very late, Eva.
I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a birth. The placenta was late in coming.
Which birth is more important to you, Eva: that of a mortal, or that of a goddess?
Will there be anything else, ladies?
Wait. We do need some things.
We need... fresh rosemary from the kitchen.
Mostly what we need is from the kitchen.
Hey. Are you listening?
Rosemary.
We need sea salt, a little bit of sea salt.
Or kosher salt, if you have no sea salt.
A bottle of spring water-- French, not that ltalian sh*t.
Um, yes, and could I have some French fries? [Blonde] Shut up, Kiva.
Some ginger and some raw meat.
Liver, if you have it. I want fries, you stupid jerks with your dumb f*cking ritual.
Shut up, you little sh*t!
[Blonde] Hey.
Don't talk to her that way. Uh, if there's nothing else--
[b*ating Drum]
Thank you.
[Bird Cawing ln Distance] [Water Trickling]
[Woman Vocalizing]
We're communing here on New Year's Eve... to bring to lif e the great goddess Diana, who was turned into stone in this very room...
40 years ago today.
Diana, O Great Beautiful One, we make these off erings to you... so that we may undo the wicked spell which deprived you... of the seed of your lover... of your virginal blood... of your very lif e.
We now f orm the symbolic rock... with our bodies.
On this night, in this hour, we call upon the ancient power.
O Goddess Bride, we off er thee... milk from a mother's sweet titty.
To reverse this evil which has been done, I make this off ering... to the Divine One.
A whore not, an innocent was, f or whom I seized a virgin's blood.
[Women Moaning]
Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust, to undo this awful spell is a real must.
To bring you lif e and get you high, I off er the sweat of five men's thighs.
[Sighs] [Women Sighing]
O Diana, O Great One, we live without sun... until this wicked curse is undone. ln hope that you appear, I have collected a year's worth of tears.
[Women Crying, Moaning]
Goddess Diana, f ail you, I will.
I was to bring you fresh sperm from my Bill. [All Moaning]
I had him erect, and his semen would f ollow, but alas, I was hot, so hot that I swallowed.
[All Screaming, Gasping]
You stupid witch!
You swallowed the sperm? You did? Why didn't you use your hands?
Well, it just goes to show you what an amazing lack of control you have, Eva.
[Topless Blonde] Didn't your mama teach you not to put them things in your mouth?
I understand, though. [Athena] Eva, you got one hour to find me some sperm, one hour to show me... [Sobbing] what kind of witch you can be.
You hear me? Uh-huh.
[Knocking At Door] [Man] Ted, the bellhop.
Mr. Bellboy, come right in.
Okay, mister.
Here is your $50 tip, only you have to do one more thing.
You have to make our little Eva smile.
[Sniffling] [Athena] We'll leave you alone.
[Growls]
[Whispers] Don't use your mouth.
Oh.
[Squeaking]
[Whimpers, Squeaks]
Help me out here. I've got to earn this 50 bucks.
Look, they don't care if I smile or not.
They just want--
You wouldn't understand.
Try me.
I've been around a bit, you know.
Well, the five of us--
Athena, Jezebel, Raven, Elspeth and me-- are a coven.
Like a coven of witches. Yes.
Oh. You see, f or 40 years we've been trying to... reverse an evil spell that was placed on our goddess Diana.
She was a beautiful virgin, an entertainer by trade but a great sorceress by design. lt was here in this very room on her wedding night... that a jealous rival placed this curse on Diana.
Her husband was turned into a pink fish, while our dear goddess... a stone in her honeymoon bed.
This was Diana.
[Eva] She's the blonde. Ah. Right.
[Ted] Hmm.
Well. [Chuckles]
Ooh. [Chuckles]
Say. [Chuckling]
Oh.
Well.
Hate to tell you this, but, uh, I kinda doubt she was a virgin.
[Eva] She had lovers, but she saved that for marriage. lf she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes, I'm gonna go in there and get it myself.
[Chuckles] That'd be a first for you.
[Gasps]
You mean, you were supposed to bring, uh--
And you-- [Gulps]
Eewhh.
And now... you're my last chance.
W-Whoa.
Uh-uh.
No way.
Nope.
Besides, it's against hotel policy.
I was warned.
"No sex with the clientele."
Oh.
See, what I really wanna do is be a midwif e.
I've attended f our births already.
I can prevent vaginal tears and everything.
Really? That's good.
Yes. A f ella doesn't like too many surprises down there.
I joined the coven to obtain greater understanding of my f eminine powers.
Oh, really?
Seems to be working. You really think so?
Oh. Yeah.
Oh, God.
Betty's gonna k*ll me.
Who's Betty?
The boss. Oh, good.
Oh, God.
My number in Topanga.
Call me?
Sure, baby. I'll call you.
What's that used f or? This is, um-- lt's a birch branch. lt symbolizes eternal lif e.
I'm a woman now. Marvelous.
I use this bark for a tea which assists in astral travel.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. l wanna be a witch.
Great. Okay. You are.
We did it right there in the big cauldron.
Great. Great.
Athena.
Goddess Diana, l off er to you... the jism of the one l wooed for you, so you may live and know such bliss... as getting laid by a guy like this.
[Women Moaning]
So mote it be.
[All] Three times three times three.
Ah.
[Chuckling]
[Chuckling]
[Ethereal Breathing, Moaning]
[Buzzing] [Man On Phone] Just a minute! Yeah!
Room service. Wait. W-W-What room is this?
[Disco] This is the front desk, sir.
W-What room we in? I don't know, man. I just got here.
404. lt's room 404, l think.
Look, I thought we were on the fifth floor. All right! 409. Yeah.
[Ted] Hmm, sir?
Hey, is he talkin' to me?
Look, 404. We're in room 404. Yeah.
What do you need, sir? What do we need? What do we need? lce. lce. lce. lce? lce. Yeah, ice!
Right, sir. 404, sir. lce, sir.
I'll be with you momentarily.
Ooh. Disco.
[Knocks On Door] Hello.
[Door Creaks Shut] Anybody there?
[Man] What'd you expect, Theodore, a f*ckin' floor show?
[p*stol Cocks] Aah!
Um, is this room 404?
[Chomping Pills] Obviously I've come at a very bad time.
Let's not beleaguer the f act that you have no sense of timing.
The f act is, you're here, and I couldn't think of a better time for you... to introduce me to your beau than on New Year's Eve.
There's obviously been a big mistake.
My name is Theodore. Yes.
I'm the bellhop. [Smack]
[Baby Crying]
[Crying Continues]
Yoo-hoo. Lover boy.
Let's cut to the chase, okay?
ls this about another man or something?
[Choking] Let's get our ABC's right here, Theodore.
Theodore, right? [Chokes]
[Croaking] Ted's better.
Ted. Okay.
Are you saying my wif e cheats on me?
[Wheezes]
Come here.
Theodore.
This is about as intimate a situation as you can get: you, me, Angela here.
Pretty cozy, isn't it?
Now, I demand an apology.
[Phone Rings] Oh, sh*t!
[Rings]
What?
[Muffled Muttering]
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. We ain't got no needles here, kid, just a big f*ckin' g*n.
How's that grab ya? Shh.
Ciao, bambino. [Hangs Up Phone]
Now... where was l?
Ah. Ah, yeah.
I remember.
[Man Clears Throat]
Now... this--
Gimme that. Gimme that.
No. Bad idea. Say the f ollowing.
Come here. Come here.
"l--"
"l, l, "Theodore, Theodore, must humbly-- humbleh...
Humbly! Humbly! Humbleh. Humbly.
"And sincerely... And sincerely... apologize-- polgize...
Apologize! Polgi--
Apologize. Apologize. Apologize.
"For saying-- Saying-- saying that I f*cked another man.
That-- Saying that I f*cked another man!
Saying that I f*cked another man.
Great.
Satisfied?
Uh, do you accept the f*ckin' apology?
[Sighs] Oh.
You always have to have the last word, Angela.
Aw, it's just one way with you.
May l--
sh*t, yeah. Come on, come on. Spit it out.
[Clears Throat] I don't mean to upset you further, sir, but I do think she was trying to say yes.
Are you... condescending to me, Theodore?
Absolutely not, sir.
Don't you think I noticed there's a gag in the woman's mouth?
[Chuckling] You know why I know that?
How, sir? Because I put that gag in her mouth!
Don't move a nose hair.
[Grunting]
Whoa!
Don't be a stranger, Teddy! Take off your jacket and relax!
[Muffled Shouting] [Water Running ln Bathroom]
[Squeals] What?
[Muffled Scream] [Water Continues]
We don't have time to play charades here, you assh*le. Untie me.
Listen! [Man] Jesus, honey!
I would appreciate it... Where'd you put the Percodan? if you would tell that nut case in there... he's making a big f*cking mistake.
Look, whether you like it or not, you are in the middle of a situation here you cannot just wish your way out of.
But I've never met you people bef ore!
You're complete strangers!
Everybody starts out as strangers. lt's where we end up that counts.
[Man] You being a good boy, Theodore? Quick. He's coming back.
Put the gag back in my mouth. We play this game all the time.
Play by the rules and you won't get hurt. Quick.
Come on, put the gag back in my mouth. Quick! Quick! Quick.
Remember, don't make him mad. [Man] I hope you're being a good boy, Teddy.
Oh! Teddy! Whoops!
Oh!
I was just beginning to think...
I could trust you, Theodore.
Just trying to help her breathe a little.
Well, don't let me stop you, Teddy.
You don't mind my calling you Teddy, do you?
No, it's fine.
[lmitating British Accent] You know, once upon a time...
I had a little bunny rabbit.
His name was Teddy. He looked real cute nibblin' on Angela's ear.
But you're no bunny rabbit, and picturing you do it... really f*ckin' razzes me.
But don't let me stop you.
Nibble, Teddy. lf this is some kind of... weird voodoo thing... and you want me to have sex with your wif e, there's absolutely no way.
Start nibblin', m*therf*cker!
Now! Now! [Metal Crashes]
Oh. [Chuckles]
That's it. Hop like a bunny.
[Clears Throat]
Don't be shy.
Good boy.
What's the problem, Sparky?
No whiz left in the cheese?
Look, I'm not playing this game anymore. [Man Exhales] lt'll be over soon.
Then you can go home to Mommy, Theodore. Ted!
The name's Ted.
Yes, my mother did me the disservice of naming me Theodore, and I haven't a clue as to how you know that, because everybody who knows that... is thousands of f*cking miles away.
Have you any idea, the f aintest idea, what it's like to arrive at school and find yourself surrounded by the maladjusted?
And there you stand.
Little Lord Fauntleroy.
Ever worn a bonnet? Give it a try sometime.
So sh**t me now, because no one is ever... going to call me... Theodore again, let alone...
Theo... the Thumper.
Wow.
[Hands Clasp]
Sigfried.
What?
That's my name.
Sigfried. Sigfried?
Nice to meet ya.
Very impressive, Ted.
Thank you. lt's a deal, kid.
Ted it will be.
Whew.
[Muffled Squealing]
Hmm?
[Gasping]
My heart! Aah!
[Muffled Screaming]
My... nitro pills in the bathroom! Quick!
[Muffled Shouting]
[Groaning]
[Sigfried] Hurry!
Next to the condoms! They may be in my medicine bag!
This is it!
Oh, this is the big one, Angie!
Dear God!
Someone turn on the lights!
Nitro. Nitro. Nitro. Oh, baby, I got the chills!
I can't f eel my leg! lt's f*cked up!
[Moaning]
Nitro! Where's the f*ckin' white lightning?
Can't live without my--
Ooh! [Grunts]
[Flushes] Help me!
[Sigfried] No time to take a leak! I'm dyin', here! Help! Help!
Help me!
Help me!
[Humming]
[Chuckling]
Good evening.
Ah. [Clears Throat]
[Grunting]
[Exhales]
I'm stuck in a situation here... which I couldn't possibly begin to explain.
What I was wondering: Do you think you could, uh, call the police, sir?
Are you all right, sir? Sir?
[Grunts] lce.
[Vomits] [Toilet Flushes]
[Ted] Yoo-hoo. Sigfried.
Oh, my God! Sigfried! [Muffled Shouting]
[Ted] Angela!
[Muffled Shouting]
[Grunting]
[Muffled] Ohh! Ohh!
[Panting]
Where is the f*cking nitro?
Couldn't find it. What do you mean, you couldn't find it?
Untie me! I'll find it! lt's your f ault he's so upset! Now he's dying!
I'll get some help!
Aah!
I tie a pretty good knot, don't l, Ted?
Sigfried! [Chuckling]
[Gasps] Thank God, you're okay!
You bastard. [Both Gasp]
Aw, honey.
Don't get mad. lt was just a little test, and I'm glad that l did it, because now I know... you love me f orever, truly... and deeply. lf the simple f act that I didn't want your bloated, dead body... lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder we find ourselves as we are at this very moment.
Oh, no. I heard genuine care in your voice. Can't be denied, can it, Ted?
I think you're right, and if you just keep this kind of open dialogue going, I think you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding.
You'd be surprised what happens if people just listen... without succumbing to all that pain and anger.
You heard sh*t, monkey boy. Easy for you to say after you f*ck another man's wif e.
[Gasps] You should at least have the guts to stand behind... your convictions.
She's lying, Sigfried. l swear to God.
You know, when I think of all the times you were inside me... promising me a better lif e, it makes me wanna puke.
[Whimpers]
[Ted] Why are you doing this to me?
What have I ever done to you people?
What didn't you do, stick man?
Unf ortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock.
No, no, no. [Chuckling Nervously]
He's got a huge cock? [Chuckles]
[Chuckling] Oh, no, no, no, no.
Show it to me. lt's not that big. [Chuckling]
Put it this way: God made up for what he did to Gumby with Teddy here.
Show it to me!
[Whimpers] Show him your cock, Theodore.
[Squeaks] Please stop talking about his cock!
Well, it's hard to stop talking about something that's so huge.
I mean, I could go on and on about his cock, his bone, his knob, Shh.
[Gasping] his bishop, wang, thang, rod, hot rod, humpmobile, Oscar, dong, dagger, banana, [Muffled] cucumber, salami, sausage, kielbasa, schlong, dink, tool, Big Ben, Mr. Happy, peter, [Moaning] pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, p*stol, joint, hose, horn, middle leg, third leg, meat, [Muffled] stick, joystick, dipstick, one-eyed wonder, Junior, little head, [Bell Rings] little guy, Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie Roll, love muscle, skin flute, [Sigfried Moaning] Roto-Rooter, snake--
[Sigfried] Please don't go!
[Door Slams]
[Sigfried Sobbing] [Angela] Hammer, rammer, Spammer, bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby.
Hey, do you know where room 404 is, man, 'cause I was up at this party, and--
I have absolutely no idea!
[Sputtering] Oh.
[Angela] Schmeck, schmuck, schvantz, ying-yang, yang--
[Man] Whoa! I'm Theodore. [Sigfried] What?
[Angela] Well, you're right on time, Theodore.
[Sigfried] Let's not beleaguer the f act... that you have no sense of timing.
The f act is...
[p*stol Cocks] you're here.
[Buzzing]
[Buzzing Continues]
Front desk.
Bottle of champagne. Fast.
Stand still.
I said stand still. You're gonna ruin your suit.
Come here. Come here.
Gimme that.
Let me see.
There. There, you see? You see?
Huh? You look good with your hair back like this.
Like me. Like me.
Not down and to the side, all stupid... like your mother likes to comb it.
No. No.
Like this. [Grunts] [Whispers] Ow.
[Grunts] [Winces]
[Growling]
Gimme this.
[Grunts] lmpossible.
You've got your mother's hair. You can't do anything with it.
There. Go. Go.
[Wincing]
How did you get your hair in such a tangled mess, huh?
There. Go. Finished.
[TV Clicks On]
Are we gonna have fun tonight?
I didn't think so.
Hey.
What about leaving the kids here?
Hmm? Here in the room, all by themselves?
No, with the television.
Hmm?
You wanna have fun tonight, don't you?
Yes.
Give it to me. Give it to me.
Give it to me.
[Sirens Wailing ln Distance]
Hey.
You kids are gonna stay here watching TV.
I want you to be in bed and asleep bef ore 12:00.
[Whispers] Twelve. Your mother and l will be back later on, maybe.
Don't misbehave.
[Door Closes] [Exhales]
Why did we have to get all dressed up if we're not going with them?
I don't know.
What are you doing? I'm escaping. lt stinks in here anyway.
What did I say?
Behave.
Yes, Papa.
The champagne you ordered, sir.
Too late. Leave it on ice.
But I want some now.
There'll be plenty for you at the party, baby.
You can b*mb yourself all you want at the party.
Put it down. Put it down.
All right.
You want 500 bucks? Sure.
How about three? Three hundred dollars?
Yeah. Three's fine.
Good. My children are staying here tonight watching TV.
I want you to check up on them every 30 minutes.
Check up on them? Yeah, make sure they're all right.
Make sure they're f ed. Make sure they go to bed. You know, these things.
Sir, I can send out f or a baby-sitting service.
No. I don't trust baby-sitters.
My children are saf er alone... than with some f*cked-up pedophile baby-sitter...
I don't know from the man in the f*cking moon.
What about him? What makes you think you can trust him?
Tell me that's not a f ace you can trust.
I'd love to help you with your problem, sir, but unf ortunately I'm here alone tonight.
Hmm.
One hundred, two hundred, three hundred.
Here you are.
I thought you said 500. No, I said 300.
No, sir. I distinctly heard you say 500.
Are you calling me a liar? No, sir.
What I'm saying is that you accidentally f orgot that the first thing you said--
But what I last said was 300, and what you say last is what counts.
Well, then, if you say 500 one last time, we have a deal. You f*cking with me, pendejo?
No, sir, but I'm by myself, and looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need.
[Whispers] Are you calling my kids a pain in the ass?
Why, no, sir, not the kids. lt's the situation that is a pain in the ass.
No, you were right the first time. They're a pain in the ass.
All right. You win, tough guy. Five hundred.
You kids are getting expensive.
What's your name?
Ted. lf you need anything, just dial zero and ask for Ted.
And make sure they're in bed bef ore midnight. Bef ore midnight?
Then should I wake them up f or the countdown to the New Year?
[Both] No. lf something happens to my children...
[Chuckling] [Chuckling]
I wouldn't want to be you.
Don't misbehave.
Let's get out of here.
[Elevator Bell Dings]
[Bell Dings]
Okay.
These are the rules.
Don't break the rules and I won't break your necks.
I always wanted to say that.
Someone said that to me when I was a kid.
Only they weren't joking.
The rules are simple:
Don't do anything you wouldn't do if your parents were here. lf there's an emergency, call me on the phone like your dad said. Thank you.
That's not what he said. He said to call you if we need anything.
Well, I have a lot of work to do, and I can't have you calling me... every time you want a glass of water, so please, try and limit your calls to emergencies only.
Thank you. We paid you $500.
We'll call you if we need anything.
You don't wanna get my dad mad.
Oh. Well, try and call only when necessary.
Watch TV, and if you're good, I'll bring you up some milk and cookies.
Bye, now.
[Sniffing]
Your f eet stink.
[Sniff s] They don't stink.
[Clicking, Static Hisses]
Check it out! T and A!
Change it. You're not supposed to watch this.
We're supposed to watch TV. Not this kind of TV.
Change it.
Leave me alone. Ouch.
Ouch.
[Speaking Spanish]
[Buzzing]
Front desk.
Ted? What did I tell you?
Don't bother me and you'll get milk and cookies. Now, do you want them or do you not?
I want you to turn off the nudie station in our room.
I cannot turn on an adult station without the express permission of your parents.
No, not turn it on. Turn it off. lt's already on. Whoa.
[Beeps] That's not what the machine tells me.
Well, stop listening to the machine and listen to me.
There's naked ladies dancing on my TV, and I want 'em off.
Like I said, I'll be up later to put you both to sleep.
Bye.
Change the channel now!
[Sniffing]
Man, you're the one with the stinking f eet.
They don't stink.
Yeah, they do. No, they don't.
Here, smell for yourself.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
[Sniffing]
Get a bottle opener. [Laughter On TV]
[TV Clicks Off]
Don't shake it.
[Buzzing]
Front desk. Ted? Hi, it's me, Sarah.
Who d*ed? No one? Good. Then don't call me.
I just thought I'd tell you that your cleaning ladies are doing a bum job.
There's all kinds of leftover stuff here: needles and things.
We're not supposed to have needles, are we?
I mean, they don't come with the room, do they?
Send someone up here to clean this place up right.
I told you not to shake it!
I gotta go. My dumb brother just exploded the champagne all over the room.
Oh, and bring us up a couple of toothbrushes.
There's a card in the bathroom that says you'll bring us free toothbrushes if we ask for them.
I'm calling a room. Give me three numbers.
Four... zero... nine. [Dialing Phone]
Hello? [Sigfried] What?
Hi. You don't know me, and I don't know you either, but do you have any needles?
We have needles here, and I was wondering if they come with the room or not.
[Sigfried] We ain't got no needles here, kid.
No? Just a big f*ckin' g*n.
Just checking.
This is the bulI's-eye. lt's worth 100 points.
This is worth ten points. This is worth 20 points.
This is worth-- Hey, wait 'til l get out of the way!
This is how an expert throws it.
Hello, kiddie-winkies. l brought your milk and cookies.
You're going to have to eat them now, because... you're going to sleep.
We have to go to sleep now?
Your parents said to put you to bed bef ore midnight.
Well-- Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Maybe this way you'll leave me alone.
Those aren't milk and cookies.
Well, we ran out of cookies, so I brought you milk and saltines.
Now, don't complain. Hurry up and eat. You're going to bed.
[Spits] They're old.
Dip them in the milk. The milk will make them soft.
[Spits]
No crackers?
Sleepy time. Now, I don't want you wandering around, so if you need the rest room--
[Water Running, Children Brushing Teeth]
[Sniff s]
[Sniff s]
What about our pajamas?
You wanna look nice in case there's an earthquake, don't you?
[Both] Yeah. Well, then, stay in those clothes.
This is some Mentholatum ointment.
Now, under the covers and close your eyes, and I'll tell you a story.
Your dad says he hates baby-sitters, doesn't trust 'em.
Well, can't say l blame him, really.
You know what my baby-sitter did to me when I was a kid?
I used to hate going to sleep.
You know, when it's late, you wanna get up, run around, go crazy.
Well, what my baby-sitter used to do to me... to make sure I'd stay in bed, not be tempted to get up, was she'd take some of this vapor rub ointment...
[Coughing] [Sniff s] and she'd dab a little on each eyelid... just to make sure I'd stay put.
There. Now you have some too.
Don't open your eyes or it'll burn, burn, burn.
What about in the morning? Well, if you keep... your eyes shut tight all night, it'll wear off by morning, but don't open them bef ore then.
Did you ever open your eyes?
Yes, I did, and look at me now.
[Both] We can't. Exactly. Good.
You'll do fine.
Sleep tight all night... and I won't tell your parents about the champagne.
Good night.
[Skyrockets Whistling, Crowd Cheering]
[Fireworks Continue]
Are you watching TV?
Yep. lf you wanna watch, you better go wash your f ace.
[Fireworks Continue, Dogs Barking On TV]
Unh! Be careful.
[Cartoon Character On TV] Gimme that!
[Water Running]
[Sniff s]
[Sniff s]
[Fireworks Continue]
Ah.
Hey, what are you doing? [Sniff s]
[Screaming]
[Screaming Continues]
[Buzzing] [Whispering] Shut up.
You! Shut up! Shut up!
Ted! What do you want now, f or Christ sakes? Who d*ed?
I don't know, but she's in my bed.
What? There's a dead body in my bed.
Nonsense! That's just your brother sound asleep!
No! There's a woman's dead body inside the bed in the mattress.
You saw the body? Yes! lmpossible! You've got the ointment on your eyes.
Ya can't see sh*t! Now go to sleep!
[Buzzing]
Go to sleep! I washed it off.
The Mentholatum? Yeah. Didn't you ever think to do that?
Get your ass up here and call the police, because there's a dead body in my bed, and it smells like sh*t, and it looks even worse. lf you don't help us, my dad is going to lay you down right next to her, I swear to f*cking God!
I am coming up there right this minute! [Dial Tone] lf there is no dead body in that room by the time I get up there, I'm gonna make one!
You-- [Dial Tone]
Little bitch.
Ah, sh*t!
[Humming]
[Elevator Bell Dings]
Cover it up. Cover it up.
Thank you.
[Whimpering]
Jesus Christ! What the f*ck is going on here?
Your parents are on their way up here.
And I am not taking responsibility f or this mess!
Check under the mattress. For what?
For the body. Can't you smell it? lt's your f eet.
f*cking Christ! What the f*ck is that?
Police! lt's an emergency!
[Elevator Bell Dings]
Police! Get someone over here right f*cking now.
There's a dead whore stuff ed in the mattress! Don't call her that.
Shut up! I'm dead f*cking serious.
There's a dead f*cking whore stuff ed... Stop calling her that! in the f*cking bed!
f*ck!
[Whimpering]
[Whimpering Continues]
[Whimpering Continues]
lf your pad is a wax museum
[Ted Screaming]
The young and exotic Following a millionaire A glass and a shaker Our host is a real scene maker The millionaire's holiday
The millionaire's holiday
The millionaire's holiday
Did they misbehave?
[Fireworks Crackling]
[Elevator Bell Dings]
[Muttering] Emergency?
[Muttering Continues] Just--
[a*t*matic g*nf*re On TV]
[Beeping On TV]
[Phone Ringing]
Happy New Year.
Let me speak to Betty. Uh, party's over. She probably went home.
She lives there! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her.
Well, then get her on the phone. Tell her it's an emergency.
Who-- Who should l say is calling?
You tell her it's Teddy from work on the phone.
I got some major f*cking emergency.
Hi, Ted. I'm Margaret.
You sound down. Has this not been the happiest of New Years?
No, Margaret. This hasn't been my happiest New Year.
This one's starting off pretty f*cking badly.
Aw, how come? Well, Betty... leaves me here all by myself, and first thing right off the bat, I'm f*cked by a coven of witches.
You were f*cked by an oven full of witches?
A coven of witches! Not an oven!
Well, one witch in particular.
Was she an old hag with a mole on her f ace with hair growing out of it?
No, no, she was very beautiful.
[Gasps] Ted? What's the problem?
Well, admittedly, that was the best part of the evening. lt was pretty bloody good actually.
But it's still a pretty unnerving way to start off the night.
Sounds like a pretty great way to start off the night to me.
Why don't we just skip over the witches? Skipping the witches.
Right. Later, in another room, some crazy f*cking maniac sticks a g*n in my f ace... and f orces me to play out some psychosexual drama with his wif e.
He made you have psycho sex with his wif e?
No, he didn't make me f*ck his wif e. He thought I f*cked his wif e.
He held me at gunpoint with a loaded g*n! What kind of g*n was it?
I don't know. I'm not a g*n guy. lt was big.
Was it like Dirty Harry's g*n? Yeah, sort of like that, yeah.
Did it have a real long barrel or a short barrel?
What diff erence does it make?
Well, for one thing, it's a diff erence between a. 44 Magnum and a Magnum. 357.
Who the f*ck cares whether it was a . 44 or a. 392? lt was a big f*cking g*n! lt was loaded! And it was pointed right at my f*cking head!
You wanna skip this part too? I want you to get Betty on the phone right f*cking now.
Hold on. Anybody live here named--
What's her name again?
Betty. Betty!
Whatcha screaming about?
You're Betty? Yeah, I'm Betty. lt's my f*cking place.
Who the f*ck are you? I'm Margaret. And this is Ted.
[Video Game Continues]
You guys, wanna go to breakf ast? No.
Let's go to Denny's. Later.
Okay, Ted, what's the problem? Hello, Betty.
"What's the problem?" l haven't got a problem.
I've got f*cking problems. Plural. Wanna hear? Sure.
Well, most recently, there's room 309.
There's this scary Mexican gangster dude pokin' his finger in my chest.
There's his hooligan kids snapping their fingers at me.
There's a putrid, rotting corpse of a dead whore stuff ed in the springs of the bed.
There's rooms blazing afire.
There's a big f at needle from God knows where, stuck in my leg, inf ecting me with God knows what.
And finally, there's me, walkin' out the door right f*ckin' now.
Buenas noches. [Buzzing] ls that the penthouse? [Buzzing] Yes, it is. lt's the Chester Rush party. They want something.
Well, tough titty. They're just gonna have to whistle, because I'm off.
Now, Ted, wait a minute. l know you're freaked.
I know you're stressed. You had a real bad night.
Oh, yes, Betty. I've had a real bad night. [Buzzing Continues]
The only thing I ask is that you take care of Chester Rush, and then you can leave.
I don't f eel like it! Ted, he's a very important guest of the hotel. ln f act, he's the most important guest of the hotel.
The Mon Signor used to be a haven for movie stars.
Through the Thirties, Forties and first half of the Fifties, more movie stars, if you break it down on a night-by-night basis, stayed at the Mon Signor than any other hotel in Hollywood.
Now, we had some hard times in the Eighties, even though we were the official hotel of Cannon Pictures, but we're comin' back strong in the Nineties.
And a movie star clientele is important to that comeback.
Now, you look here-- He probably just wants some champagne.
You can do that, can't you? Ted. Just take care of him.
The entire staff of the Mon Signor is begging you.
Okay. But you get your ass down here pronto! [Buzzing Continues]
You're a good man, Ted. Thanks. [Phone Slams Onto Receiver]
[Buzzing Continues]
Hello, Mr. Rush. Sorry for the delay.
How can I help you?
[Elevator Bell Dings]
[Man] Get your skanky asses the f*ck outta here!
[Elevator Bell Dings]
[Murmurs]
Room service.
Hello, Theodore.
What the f-f*ck are you doing here? Havin' a drink. ls Sigfried here?
Are you kidding? He'll probably be asleep 'til Christmas.
Hey, everybody. The bellboy is here.
[Man] The bellboy's here! [Man] Oh, my God! sh*t!
Happy New Year! Entra! Entra!
Hey, bellboy!
[Sighs] [Man Laughing]
Mr. Rush, I'm sorry I'm late.
But l, I think you'll find l have everything you need.
No problema, el bellboy. No problema.
His name is Theodore. Actually, it's not Theodore. lt's Ted. lt's Ted, sir. So, Ted, the bellboy, would you care for some champagne as I was saying?
All right, that wasn't what I was saying.
But would you care for some champagne? Um, I'm on duty, sir.
Duty, smooty, come on. lt's like Cristal. lt's the very best they make.
I didn't like champagne 'til I had Cristal. Now I love it.
Come on! lf I must, sir.
Yes. As I was saying, chin-chin. Chin-chin.
For our purposes, promptness is f ar behind thoroughness.
Drink up, lad.
[Sighs] What do you say? Ah, thank you, sir.
No, not thank you. What do you say about the tasty beverage?
Um, oh, it's very good. lt's f*cking good, Ted. f*cking good!
Let's try it again, shall we? Got a light?
Okay, so, Ted, what do you think about that tasty beverage?
[Clears Throat] lt's f*cking good! lt's f*cking Cristal. Everything else is piss.
[Man] Bellboy. Bellboy. Bellboy!
Shut up. Shut up! Shh! Shut up! You're makin' my friend Ted nervous.
Chill out, dude. Pay no attention to Norman here.
He's just-- That's from Quadrophenia. He's just f*ckin' with you.
Now me, personally, when I think of bellboy, I think of The Bellboy with Jerry Lewis.
Did you ever see that film, Ted? Um... no, sir.
Oh, you should. lt's one of Jerry's better movies.
He doesn't say a word through the entire film. lt's a completely silent perf ormance.
Now how many actors can pull that off?
I gotta tell you, that guy, he's gotta go to France to get respect.
That says it all about America right there.
Just that one little sentence says it all about America right there.
The minute Jerry Lewis dies, every newspaper in this f*ckin' country... is gonna be writin' articles callin' the man a genius. lt's not right. lt's not right and it's not f*ckin' f air!
But why should that surprise anybody? When the hell has America ever been f air?
We might be right every once in awhile, but we're very rarely f air.
Oh. Um... where shall I put this, sir?
You in a hurry there, Ted?
Uh, well, um-- Not particularly.
Good there! Okay, then gotta stop playin' "b*at the Clock."
Okay. Let me introduce you to everybody. Now, see that girl over there?
All right, that's our friend from downstairs.
We just met her at the pool. You seem to be acquainted.
Yeah, Theodore and I go way back, don't we, Theodore?
[Clears Throat] Actually, the name's Ted, Angela.
I only let people with loaded g*ns pointed at my head call me Theodore.
The man sittin' in this chair with the Jim Beam in his hand, yellin' "Bellboy" at you is Norman.
Norman, say hello to Ted. [Blowing Party Favor]
What's up, Ted? What's up, sir?
And the sociable son of a bitch in that room over there is Leo.
And the person on the other end of the phone is his lovely wif e Ellen.
Leo! What?
Say hello to Ted the bellboy. Hold on a second. What?
Say hello to Ted the bellboy. Here. Come here.
[Chuckles] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Leo, Leo, Leo, L-Leo, L-Leo!
Leo, that is Ted the bellboy. That's me.
The bellboy we called about 20,25 minutes ago.
Oh, Ted the bellboy. Well, my goodness.
Glad you could make it, chum. Glad I could be here.
[All Chuckling] Ellen, what does punctuality have to do with love?
Which brings me to me. Could you explain that to me, please?
Chester Rush, Ted. Pleased to meet ya.
I'm pleased to meet you, sir. Oh, Chester.
Not "sir." Chester.
Chester? Oh, Chester. [Chuckles]
Um, terribly sorry I haven't seen the movie yet, sir, but--
No worries. No worries at all.
Don't worry. Don't be sorry about that.
You know, it's just, that's why God invented video. No problem.
You got a point, sir. But you know what?
A lot of people did see it. Whole lot of m*therf*ckers saw that movie.
Didn't they? Didn't they? A whole lot--
Lot of m*therf*ckers saw The Wacky Detective. [Blows Party Favor]
The Wacky Detective, sir.
Who drank out of this bottle last? Uh?
I said, "Who drank out of this bottle last?"
What the f*ck's wrong? lt's f*ckin' flat, man. That's what's f*ckin' wrong.
g*dd*mn Cristal is f*ckin' flat. There ain't a g*dd*mn bubble left in the f*ckin' bottle, man.
Jesus Christ! What the f*ck is goin' on here? Chill out, man.
Who f*ckin'-- Who-- f*ck-- Who didn't put the cork in the bottle?
All right? Somebody! l didn't do this!
I was drinkin' out of that other bottle there.
Somebody didn't put the f*ckin' cork in the bottle. Who didn't put it in?
Chester, do you want me to open another bottle of champ-- Who didn't put it in?
Do you want me to open another bottle of champagne?
No, don't you f*ckin' open another bottle! l-l-l got enough right here. f*cking sh*t, man.
God, we've opened enough f*cking bottles!
Do you know how much this sh*t costs? No! You don't. Yes, I do.
No! You don't! No! You don't!
'Cause it's f*cking free, man. lt's just f*cking free to you f*cking assholes.
sh*t. I give and I give and I give and I give and I give.
[Laughing] [Sighs] What was I talkin' about?
[Party Favor Blows] Um, you were saying that The Wacky Detective... was a very popular movie.
Yes, it was. And it was popular-- very, very popular-- bef ore video. lt was popular bef ore f oreign! lt was popular bef ore p-pay TV.
And bef ore free TV. Bef ore all that sh*t!
The Wacky Detective was making-- Ellen, I'm sorry, okay?
Leo! Leo. What was the final take on domestic?
$72.1million.
$72.1million. Ellen, I'm sorry.
That's f*cking asses in f*cking seats.
You know, it's not your f ault. l mean, they hit you both barrels.
But you know, f*ck, you know, I just would like a little consideration.
And my new one, The Dog Catcher, which, by the way, is testing right through the ceiling, all right, is projected to gross a hundred.
The Dog Catcher. The Dog Catcher, Chester.
Oh, thank you, sir. That's the good stuff.
Now, take a look at some of these goodies you brought us, okay?
Um, f-f ar be it-- Far be it for me, uh, Chester-- Uh-huh.
But I was just wondering if you could tell me, what is all that stuff f or?
Hey, one thing at a time, man. I'm not a frog, and you're not a bunny.
So let's not jump ahead. Very good, sir.
Norman, Norman, Norman, come on, come on. I think you might want to look at some of this sh*t.
Hey, you damn skimpy. All right, men.
[Ted Laughs]
All right, man. Tell it.
A block of wood.
Continue.
Three nails. Why three nails?
That's how many Peter Lorre asked f or. Continue, Ted.
A ball of twine.
Well, that is definitely a ball of twine. Continue!
A bucket... of ice. [lce Clattering]
You into it? I'm into it.
All right. Go on!
A doughnut. That's for me.
[Mumbles]
A club sandwich. That is mine.
[Clears Throat]
And... a hatchet!
"A hatchet as sharp as the devil himself," is what I asked f or.
Well, sir-- Chester-- you be the judge.
No, no, no, no, no. I'll be the judge.
Careful, sir. What do you think? lt's a sharp m*therf*cker.
Forget the nails and the twine. Bring all this other bullshit over to the bar. Come on.
Let's go. Pronto, man. You heard him, Ted. Go ahead.
Right you are, sir. Norman? Yeah?
[Leo] Yes, it's my job. Yes, it's my f*cking job. You know that.
He wanted to stay out late. I can't-- l went to the Monkey Bar, all right?
[Chester, Norman, lndistinct] [Leo] Don't yell-- I'm not yelling!
Hey! I'm not yellin'! You're the one that's f*ckin' yellin'!
f*ck-- Don't hang up on me! Ellen, please don't hang up on me. Please don't hang up on me.
g*dd*mn it! I swear to f*cking God, if you hang up on me--
You cock-f*cking New York bitch. f*ckin' call better be genuine, 'cause I'm gonna get a divorce!
[Norman] Yo, Leo? f*ck!
Another f*cking Honeymooners goin' on in there. f*ckin', f*ckin' sh*t, man!
What the f*ck is wrong-- What the f*ck is wrong with the f*ckin' bitch, man?
I'm gonna take the f*ckin' car. I'm gonna drive up to f*ckin' Mulholland.
I am gonna f*ckin' drag her f*ckin' ass and throw her down Benedict f*ckin' Canyon, man!
You're still married, man? Yeah. I don't f*cking know anymore.
I swear to Christ, Norman. l f*ckin' swear to God, man.
What the f*ck is wrong-- l treat this f*ckin' bitch like a queen! You know that, man.
I know that. So I had a little f*ckin' too much to drink! lt's f*ckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. I can't f*ckin' drive home.
Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry. I'm f*ckin' sorry about that.
What do you want me to do? Get in a f*ckin' car, and go run over six or seven f*ckin' kids?
That'd be real f*ckin' nice.
Man, what the f*ck is the matter with this bitch? [Sighs]
f*ck!
What the f*ck is all this?
Block of wood, bucket of ice and a hatchet, sir.
Get the f*ck outta here. Chester, talk to me. Norman?
We now return you to The Man From Rio already in progress.
Oh, my f*cking d*ck is hard already.
Tell me, Norman, you're gonna do this sh*t! [Norman Laughing]
[Norman] I am gonna do it. Oh, you are my f*ckin' hero.
They better, after talkin' about it all night. I wanna see a show.
[Norman] Come here. Give me your motherfuckin'-- All right then.
Well, if that's everything. [Leo] I got Cedars lined up, man.
I got a doctor waitin' in the f*ckin' emergency.
[Norman] f*ck the emergency, man. I'm gonna grab his m*therf*cking car from him.
Just in case. Hey, just in f*cking case.
I'll just be off back downstairs, sir. Not so f ast.
f*ckin' treat that bitch like a queen, man. We're gonna walk back... to this little bar here. I told you to dump her, didn't l?
We're gonna sit down,'cause we ain't quite through yet.
Leo. Sit on this little red stool. Sit down on this little red stool, while I explain the f estivities of the evening to you.
All right. Um, sir?
Uh-huh. A word in your ear, sir.
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Excusez-moi.
I treat that bitch like a queen, man. Chester.
That sh*t don't help, treating a woman like a queen.
I'm f*ckin' working. As long as you don't break up the furniture, I don't give a f*ck what you do.
Took all your money. Gonna take your kids and house. As f ar as I'm concerned, go ahead, trash the place!
Oh, but, look, let me explain what we're talkin' about.
Sir, sir, you don't have to explain anything to me.
Whatever constitutes a good time, as f ar as you guys are concerned, that's your business.
Well, no, it's your business too, Ted, because we want you to take part.
[Tooting] Take part in what, sir?
Chester, your way of breakin' the news to him gently is scarin' the f*ck outta him.
Think so? Just spit it out.
Okay, okay, here we go. Okay.
Thing is, Ted, first off, there's nothing h*m* about what we want you to do.
I mean, I was thinkin' you might be thinkin'... that we want you to do somethin' like weird sex thing, you know, like, suck us off, pee on us, sh*t like that.
Nothing, nothing could be further from the truth.
Can I just jump in here for a second? No. No.
My kind of way of telling him is kind of going all around the world.
But it's the journey that's worth it. Yeah, well, I see that.
But he's been here for 15 minutes and you have, you know, talked about everything but--
What do you care? Why don't you just shut the f*ck up, bitch?
"Bitch"? Bitch!
Uh, excuse me, aren't you the one who's being paid to suck his cock, cork boy?
Whoa! Cork boy, man! Business card!
I see a new business card. [Spoon Tapping Glass]
Excuse me, if it please the court.
Allow me to present our intentions to Theodore.
I second the nomination. I move that nomination be closed!
Thank you. The court is yours, Leo.
Thank you very much, Chester.
Ted, you ever seen any of them old Alfred Hitchcock episodes? Yes, sir.
You ever see the one called The Man From Rio with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen?
Uh-- Ah, if you saw it, you'd remember it. lt's called The Man From Rio with Peter Lorre, Steve McQueen.
Anyway, Peter Lorre makes a bet with Steve McQueen... that Steve McQueen can't light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row.
Now, if Steve McQueen lights his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, he wins Peter Lorre's new car.
But if he does not light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, Peter Lorre gets to chop off Steve McQueen's little pinky.
Norman and Chester here just made that same bet.
Norman has bet his pinky... that he can light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row. lf he does, he wins Chester's 1964 Chevy Chevelle... red, f*ckin', beautiful car. lf he doesn't, chop off his f*ckin' pinky. What do you say?
You guys are drunk.
Yes! Of course! Of course we're drunk!
Teddy, that's why we're here, but that does not mean... that we don't know what the f*ck we're talking about.
I'm gonna tell you what the f*ck I'm talkin' about.
I'm gonna tell you what the f*ck I'm talkin' about.
I drive a m*therf*cking Honda that my sister sold me.
You hear what I'm saying? A little white motherfuckin' Honda Civic!
You see this sh*t?
"Hollywood's hottest new star-- That's me. next to America's hottest old car.
That's the car I own. Are you listenin' to me? Are you?
g*dd*mn sh*t! Are you listening to me?
Now you take a good long look at that there machine... that this m*therf*cker over here's standin' next to.
That's a 1964 n*gg*r-red, ragtop Chevy Chevelle.
And I love that car more than l love hips, lips or fingertips.
Cut to: We're sittin' here celebratin', gettin' high, drinking champagne-- Drinking Cristal.
When you're drinking champagne, you're drinking champagne.
When you're drinking Cristal, you say you're drinking Cristal.
Whatever that pissity-ass thing is, we are drinking it, you know.
And we are watching TV. [Murmurs]
What, what? Hey, hey, hey. When all of a sudden, [Tongue Clicks] we flip on Steve McQueen, Peter Lorre being f*ckin' badasses.
Badass! Badasses!
And I look over at this funny-looking m*therf*cker over here, and I say, "I'd do that f or the Chevelle."
I'm funny. And that's when Chester says--
"Oh, really?"
Well, you guys wouldn't be doing something this stupid unless you were really f*cking drunk.
We already told you we were drunk, Ted.
That goes without m*therf*cking saying.
'Cause if we wasn't drunk, we'd probably chicken out.
When you're f*cked up, you don't lie.
Man, you tell the f*ckin' truth.
You want to know what the f*ckin' truth is?
The f*ckin' truth is, my lucky Zippo is gonna win me...
Chester's f*cking car.
Which brings us to your part in this little wager, Ted.
I don't have a part, sir.
[Norman, Chester Laughing]
That's it. Like my old granddaddy used to always say, "The less a man makes declarative statements, the less apt he is to look f oolish in retrospect.
That's quite brilliant, sir. Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thing is, there are some inherent obstacles in this undertaking.
Aside from the obvious.
First of which is being the f act that I'm not like Peter Lorre on that TV show.
I'm not some sick f*ck travelin' the countryside collecting fingers.
All right, you know, we're all buddies here.
No one wants Norman to lose his finger. We just want to chop it off.
You know, if f ate doesn't smile on old Norman, we'll put that fucker on ice, whisk it right to the hospital, where in all likelihood they'll be able to sew it right back on.
Well, hopefully, sir.
Yeah, well, they sewed that guy's d*ck back on. They can sew Norman's pinky back on.
Yeah, how hard can it be? Yeah, good point.
So, Norman, he's, he's taken care of, you know.
His interests have been looked after.
My interests, on the other hand, have not.
I am as emotionally attached to my car as Norman is physically to his finger.
That's a very f*ckin' piece of expensive machinery I'm putting on this wager.
And, you know, if I lose, I lose. That's fine. That's no problem.
I have no problem with that. I'm a big boy. I knew exactly what the hell I was doing.
But if I win, l wanna win. All right? lf Norman lights his cigarette lighter ten times in a f*ckin' row, he's gonna have no emotional problems whatsoever about taking my car keys.
[Murmurs] But if I win, well, it's not inconceivable that at the last minute... maybe neither Leo or l... will be able to... wield the axe.
A hatchet, sir. Wield the hatchet.
Which brings us full circle to you, Ted.
[Glass Clatters On Bar] Clear-eyed Ted. Sober Ted.
Complete-stranger Ted. lmpartial Ted.
Just-met-us-and-couldn't- give-a-f*ck-about-us Ted.
We want you to be the dice man.
Hell of a night, huh, Ted?
I've got to get out of here.
Money!
Ted, I got a $100 bill here with your name on it, whether you do what we ask or not.
Just to sit back down in that chair for one minute more.
I am not gonna cut off Norman's little pinky!
Well, maybe you will and maybe you won't.
But that has nothin' to do with this $100 bill in my hand. ln f act, you can tell us all to go f*ck off and walk right out that g*dd*mn door.
But if you wait 60 seconds bef ore you do it, you're gonna be $100 richer.
Ted, you're gonna do whatever you wanna do.
All we're askin' is that you indulge us for one minute more.
My friend Chester here is willing to pay you for that minute.
Ted, take the money.
Now, let me get this straight.
I sit on that stool, listen to what you have to say for 60 seconds, and I get $100? [Chester] Correct.
And afterwards I can walk out that door, no hard f eelings?
None whatsoever.
You got a deal.
Yes! Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes,!
Ted, good answer. Sit right down.
All right. Leo, you be the timekeeper.
Norman, give me your watch.
Let me know when a minute ends and when it begins.
You got it. Ah.
Okay. Gentlemen, start your engines.
Begin. Okay, Ted, pay attention here.
I'm gonna make two piles here on the bar. One pile which is yours.
And another pile which could be yours.
And what you have to realize is we're gonna do this thing... one way or the other.
Whether it's you who holds the axe or a Mexican maid... or some bum we yank off the street.
You can buy a whole lot of soup with that pile. Shh! I'm the closer here.
All right. I'm a little me-- Um, I've lost count.
How much is on the bar here? [Group] Six hundred.
Okay. Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to 600?
[Angela] lt's a rhetorical question, Ted. No, sir.
About one minute less than it takes to count to 700.
Now, Ted, a person's lif e is filled with a zillion little experiences.
Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you f orget them.
Others which you remember f or the rest of your natural lif e.
Now, since what we're proposing here is so unusual, so outside the norm, that this is a good bet that this is going to be one of those incidents that sticks.
So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this f or the rest of your lif e, you have to decide what that memory will be.
So, Ted, are you going to remember for the next 40 years, give or take a decade, that you refused $1,000 f or one second's worth of work?
Or that you made $1,000 f or one second's worth of work?
[Leo] Time!
So, Ted, what's it gonna be?
Okay. [Group] Yes!
[Chester, Leo] Always be closing!
Whoo! Right here, right now! Bef ore I change my mind!
Hear, hear. Go. Let's go.
Get this sh*t over and done with. Ahh!
Perf ect, perf ect, perf ect. This is one of those moments in time... none of us are ever gonna f orget.
Norman, are you ready? I'm ready.
Ted, are you ready? Ready.
Okeydokey. Norman... begin.
Aaah!
[Norman] My finger! My f*ckin' finger!
Chester, my f*ckin' finger, man!
He cut off my f*ckin' finger!
Oh! lt hurts! [Groans]
[Singing Nonsense Syllables]
My f*ckin' finger, Chester! He cut off my f*ckin' finger!
Aaah! Oh, Leo!
[All Shouting]
[Chester] Call Cedars, man! Call f*ckin' Cedars!
[Norman] Wrap it up! Wrap it up!
[Leo] Uh, yes, hi. Could I talk to Don Levine, please?
[Norman Groaning] Why'd you let me do this? Why'd you let me do this?
[Groans]
[Leo] What? What do you mean he's in surgery?
He was expecting my call. He was supposed to be there.
What? Who the f*ck has plastic surgery at 6:30 in the morning on New Year's Eve?
[Singing Nonsense Syllables]
Leo! Leo! I need you to stand still! I'll be right back! Hold it!
Oh, f*ck! Oh, f*ck! Oh, f*ck! All right!
Oh! Leo!
[All Shouting]
[Elevator Bell Dings] I f orgot the finger! l gotta get the-- lt's the finger!
[Norman Groaning]
[Elevator Bell Dings]
I got the finger! l got it! I got it!
[Leo] Here! I got the finger right here! You're on it!
Come on, come on! The f*ckin' door's closin'!
Here. Just put some f*ckin' ice in it.
All right, let's go. Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! Come on! Get up, get up!
I'm gonna go back to my room. Are you comin' or not?
No, it's been fun. I'll see ya. [Group] Oh!
[Norman] Close the f*ckin' door!
[Singing Nonsense Syllables]
[Singing Nonsense Syllables]
[Singing Nonsense Syllables]