04x02 - If I Was an Elf, I Would Tell You

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪(PLAYING GENTLE MELODY)

Hey, listen.

- (MELODY PLAYS IN DISTANCE)

- I've been out there watching, and none of them have anything on you, either in technique or interpretation.

- (PLAYING STOPS)

- So go out there, show the judges

- your best thing you got.

- (APPLAUSE)

?

You're up.

You have your music?

You're gonna do great.

I've already seen the future, okay?

WOMAN: Number , Hailey Rutledge.

(UP-TEMPO MELODY PLAYING)

(MUSIC CONTINUING)

(HAILEY STOPS PLAYING)

♪ ♪

- Hailey?

Geez!

- (HONKS)

Jesus, Hailey, what is wrong with you?

What are you thinking?

♪ ♪

♪ To the heart ♪

♪ Of youth ♪

♪ The world ♪

♪ Is a ♪

♪ Highway side ♪

♪ Passing ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ He fares... ♪ How can you recognize your street?

What do you mean?

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

It's the same?

Not to me.

- Not to you?

- No, they all look different to me.

What are you reading about?

- Black holes.

- Hmm.

How should I ask her?

Just let her come to you a little bit.

You always push her.

I don't push her, she...

she's never around to push.

Huh.

There's a man in the tree.

What?

There's a-a man climbing the Japanese maple.

Should we call someone?

Hey, hang on.

- Rodrigo DeSousa?

- Yes, hello.

It's Hailey's conductor.

What an honor.

- Hi.

- Hi.

How come you're in our tree?

It's pretty incredible, this tree.

So I just went up.

Are you here to teach the master class with Hailey, or...

'Cause I'm sure the school would be overjoyed.

No, no, no.

No, she's the master this weekend.

I'm just the boyfriend.

- Wow.

- Hey, guys.

(GASPS)

Oh, my God!

- Hi.

- Your hair!

- RODRIGO: I did it.

I cut the hair.

- Oh, yeah.

Hi, Mom.

(LAUGHS)

- Hi.

Hi, Dad.

- You're finally home.

I hope you like it.

Yeah.

Hey, can you do me a favor, uh, about my parents, please?

I already love your parents.

Uh, you won't.

But that's not what I'm worried about.

Can you, um, not mention the audition?

Which audition?

The one where I didn't get into the orchestra.

Also, can you not mention that I'm conducting, and just say that I'm still subbing with the orchestra and everything's on track.

Oh, yeah, you should do more subbing, you know?

Because the orchestra really misses you.

Yeah, but that wouldn't be good for me or for you.

You know, we don't have to leave each other's orbit, you know?

We could orbit each other's orbit.

Mmm, someday, yes.

But right now people see you as, like, a star, and me as a piece of space debris.

That's what stars are made of.

- (OBOE PLAYS ON TAPE)

- KEITH: It sometimes takes kids a bit to produce a constant tone, but she did it in her first lesson.

All-State is usually and up.

When she was ten they requested that she join.

When she was , her, uh, teacher, Ms. Kolb, told me that she has what the greats have... she has a sound.

Yes.

Yes, you know, when I heard her play for the first time, I felt birds in my stomach.

Butterflies, you mean.

- No, birds.

- Ah.

I used to play a little, too.

Oh, really?

Well, we got to have a father and daughter concerto.

In college I realized that there was engineering and there was music, and I could not

- be the best at both.

- (PLAYING A SOFT MELODY)

You do engineering?

What-what engineering do you do?

My company sends satellites into deep space,

- monitor electronic signals and waves.

- Ah.

Wow.

So is it true that dark matter is superfluid...

- that it changes form all the time?

- That would explain how galaxies keep from spinning apart.

- Oh.

- Hey.

- Are you ready for that class tomorrow?

- Yup.

- Me, too.

- Hey.

- He gets to come, but I don't?

- Yup.

(PLAYING STOPS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, um...

how long have you two been together?

- Like a few months.

- A few years.

(SHORT CHUCKLE)

So, uh, Rodrigo, where in New York do you live?

I live in Hai Lai.

- Huh?

- No.

He doesn't live in me.

He has his own apartment that's, like, a place where he keeps all his stuff, but then

- sometimes he'll just stay with me.

- I don't have a place.

- Neither I have stuff.

- We're not together in, like, a normal way.

- What does that mean?

- Yeah.

Well, we're not together like you guys are.

Actually, despite being unspeakably normal...

- (CHUCKLES)

- we do have a little news.

Yes.

We are going to renew our vows on Sunday.

- years.

(CHUCKLES)

- Great!

Oh, that's excellent, congratulations.

- Really?

- It's a small ceremony, - down by the dock.

- (RODRIGO CHUCKLES)

I was hoping you could play something.

Uh...

I-I would love to do that, but I have to get home... that day.

You can stay a couple extra hours.

RODRIGO: Yeah.

Come on, let's stay.

- Uh, no.

- Yeah, we get the next bus, yeah.

I-I...

No, because I have this rehearsal that I have to do, and it just wouldn't really work out.

I can't.

Sorry.

How is your practice?

It's good.

Are you subbing in a lot?

Yeah, she's subbing all the time.

Whenever we need a sub, she comes in for the oboe, of course.

She's like a family for the orchestra.

Well, that sounds like an endorsement.

So, are there any slots opening up soon?

- Uh, it's... not that predictable.

- Yeah.

No, they have to die.

But you think she has a sh*t?

She has a sh*t, a very good sh*t.

If she wants that, yeah, she can, yeah.

It would be great, you know, because, you know, the orchestra would love to have her back - as-as a... as-as more...

- Thank you so much.

- More.

- Well, good.

- Yeah.

- Cheers.

- Oh.

(LAUGHING)

- Ah.

It means a lot to us to hear you say that.

- Yeah?

- Thank you.

Cheers.

Cheers.

You know, now I know where the, "You're the best or you f*cking suck" thing comes from.

(HAILEY INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY)

Are you sure you don't want to go to the ceremony?

- (STRANGE MOANING)

- Yeah.

I don't want to support their weird relationship.

He's not nice to her.

It's uncomfortable.

(STRANGE MOANING)

Is that an animal?

Yeah.

It's an animal that is very sad and lonely.

(RHYTHMIC THUMPING, MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)

Oh, my God.

Okay, come on.

- Come on, let's go right now.

- (MOANING AND THUMPING CONTINUE)

- Come on, come on.

- Is that your mom?

- (DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

- (CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(WHISPERING): Is it over?

(LOUD THUMPING)

No, they're still going really hard at it.

Ew.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, I think they're living their second spring.

- Or their first one.

- No, their second.

- (BOAT HORN BLOWS)

- Yeah.

It's what they call it in Japan, you know, when you're a bit older and you feel foolish and childish again.

They call it the second spring.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(WHISPERING): Listen to the quiet.

You know, it'd be really funny if you and I end up living here.

Right?

With kids.

I don't think that's gonna happen.

No, just imagine.

I mean, just, uh, no?

I mean, anything can happen.

Yeah, but I just don't think that's gonna happen.

Besides, in two months, you're gonna meet some super famous opera singer or some, like, bipolar painter.

And then a year from now, we'll end up making out in a closet somewhere, and that will be that, 'cause that's just what we do.

I'm not like that right now.

Yeah, right now, but you're not like a normal person.

You're like a...

musical, magical... elf.

If I was an elf, I would tell you.

Are you sure?

I'm a person, Hai Lai.

I'm a human.

- I know you're a person.

- Yeah?

You're the best person.

I'm glad you're here.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah.

Me, too.

Elf.

(HAILEY GIGGLES, RODRIGO LAUGHS)

GLORIA: Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Oh.

Well, who's giving you such a great time?

The Pope!

We got the Pope!

(GLORIA YELLS)

He'll bring all of his followers.

Catholics?

Instagram.

He wants to hear Verdi's Force of Destiny.

Couldn't I step in for that piece?

Oh, my God.

Rodrigo?

He'll send the poor man to sleep!

Well, The New York Times doesn't agree with you,

- so stop being so nasty.

- I'm just saying.

And you're prancing around because the Pope is coming for dinner, and, you know, the cook is in the kitchen preparing a sh*t pot pie!

WOMAN: Hey, Gloria!

- I saw the great reviews!

- Thank you!

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

- What about...?

- Taxi!

(WHISTLES)

What about the evening I want to put together?

I have all of these ideas in my head.

I need somewhere to put them.

Oh, if it's that important to you, we'll find you an opening next year.

Mmm.

Read the papers!

We'll all be dead by then.

You know how the schedule works.

- All right.

Oh.

- Yes, the Pope...

- sh*t.

Bye.

- I love you.

- That's interesting.

- Thank you.

You sure you don't want to let your dad come today?

It'd mean a lot to him.

What's up with you and dad?

What do you mean?

I don't know.

Like the...

acknowledging each other's existence and... renewing your vows.

(LAUGHS)

Marriages change.

We're good.

That haircut is growing on me.

Mm-hmm.

- (THE NUTCRACKER OP.

PLAYS)

- Do you miss...

do you miss growing up here?

- No, I don't.

- Don't miss here?

No?

- Mm-mm.

- (WHISTLES)

♪ Chippy chippy chip. ♪

I can't believe this thing still works, though.

You know, I can't decide if it's creepier here than it was when I was younger.

- Hmm.

- Or if it's less creepy now.

I understand why you say it's creepy, yeah.

But why do you... but why do you say it?

Because, I don't know, everything's very, uh...

Like, it looks like a... like a storybook or something.

- And I don't know if that storybook...

- Is a horror story?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Ah.

♪ ♪ (DOORBELL TINKLES)

Wow!

They used to let me practice in here when I had to get out of the house.

Wow.

Hai Lai?

Yes?

Howdy.

Howdy.

Mighty...

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Little, little ditty.

Little ditty.

Okay.

(PLAYING BACH'S CELLO SUITE NO. )

Have you ever even played the banjo before?

No.

Elf.

Human.

(COUGHING IN THE DISTANCE)

(RASPY COUGHING)

(COUGHING CONTINUES)

- Hey, Wolfgang.

- (COUGHING)

Man, that cough is terrible, man.

(MOZART SIGHS)

Essa Pekka is wonderful.

Michael Tilson Thomas... his work is always so physical.

Muti has the charisma.

- (COUGHING)

- Yeah, they're great conductors.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I could have appeared to any of them, but I chose you.

And you fail me over and over.

- What?

- What are you doing?

Because of...

No, I... come...

I'm just being a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

- That's, uh, uh, you know, normal.

- Traitor!

(COUGHING)

Why are you wasting time?

Wasting time.

Don't-don't tell me about wasting time, because I've been doing this since I was a little kid, you know?

I'm done, Mozart.

Just leave me alone for a while.

Okay.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Rodrigo, are you ready for Music Lost to Time and Space?

Yeah, yeah, I am.

I am.

Are you okay?

Yes, I am.

Yes.

How-how do you say...

call this thing that, uh... for the throat?

Like, for a cough?

Like...

- Like Robitussin?

- Robitussin?

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Robitussin.

Ro-bi-tuss-in.

Come.

(INSTRUMENTS WARMING UP)

KOLB: I have never seen anyone practice so hard.

When she was , I literally had to bribe her to take a day off and learn to ride a bike.

She promised me extra lessons.

Taught a billion of you.

I'm just gonna say right now,

- she's my favorite.

- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

And I am just so proud of all that she's accomplished.

You all are lucky.

You get to play for her, and you get to ask her questions.

So who's gonna go first?

(OBOE SOLO PLAYS)

♪ ♪ (QUIETLY): Wow.

(LAUGHING): I love the way that you used your breath to whisper that "C."

- I think I'm gonna steal that.

- GIRL: Thanks.

So, I've been Google-stalking you.

Oh.

(LAUGHS)

Okay.

And I found out that you have an ensemble now, and you premiered a piece by Thomas Pembridge.

Wait.

Really?

When did you do that?

Uh, recently.

- GIRL: Why did you change focus?

- HAILEY: Um, I think I began to see things, uh, I didn't really like about orchestras and, uh, in particular, about some of the men involved.

Well, really one guy in particular who was kind of a jerk.

Like him?

- Um...

- (AUDIENCE MURMURING)

I-I have a question for Miss Rutledge.

How did you first pick up your oboe?

Or did the oboe pick you up?

Um, well, my dad actually picked it for me.

He actually even tested it on someone with similar-sized hands.

And he gave it to me for my birthday, even though I'd asked for a puppy, because I didn't think that we'd ever be able to afford a professional instrument.

And then I cried for my entire birthday party, but I really fell in love with it.

All right, who's next?

CYNTHIA: Thanks.

Thanks for meeting me.

GLORIA: Of course.

It's been a while.

How have you been?

I'm ready to come back, and I'd like to play for the Pope.

Oh, that's wonderful.

So the wrist is better?

It's been a few months.

I'm ready.

- And your doctor?

- He's supportive.

Great.

Have him send me a waiver and I'll cancel the sub.

Okay.

What?

My doctor's not entirely supportive.

He told me the tendons aren't growing back in the way he hoped, and I should rest for another three months.

He's not supportive at all then.

Gloria, I'm losing my mind working with the kids.

I need to be playing.

And I can't bring you back without a waiver.

I mean, if you hurt yourself again, the liability would be...

I will sign anything you want.

Cynthia, you know the rules.

In fact, you negotiated for them last year.

When I get the waiver from your doctor, we'd be delighted to have you back.

Until then, you're on payroll.

You should be where your musical director tells you to be.

Well, the doctor also told me that even when I can play again, I might only have a couple years.

Have a good one, Gloria.

Maybe it was the sleep deprivation, or maybe the LSD.

Or perhaps it was the whispering siren that we call inspiration, but I carefully folded my kimono, and followed Yoko up the craggy path to the crest of the volcano.

Maestro?

What?

(SCOFFS)

Wh-what is it?

Who are you?

I'm Alan Lawford.

(GASPS)

Wow.

I can't believe I'm even talking to you.

You know those moments where you feel like you're outside your body?

- Mm-hmm.

- Is it okay if I sit down?

I-I don't think so.

Wh-what the f*ck do you want?

- My name is Alan Lawford.

- You said, yes.

I know you're Alan Lawford, yes.

I went to the symphony and they told me to come here, so...

now I'm here.

- Is this a bad time?

- It is.

I'm just working very hard on my unauthorized autobiography.

Of course.

I'll go.

- Yeah.

- I can't wait to read the book.

Oh, thank you.

No disrespect to Maestro DeSousa, but you're my favorite living conductor.

Oh.

Uh, well, um...

let's see.

Yeah, okay.

Come on in.

- I don't want to...

- Please.

No, no, no.

It's all right.

Sit down a minute.

- Okay.

- I've got a few minutes.

- Oh, great.

- Won't take long, right?

- No, no.

Just-just a minute.

- Good, good.

I've recently taken over the Queens Philharmonic.

You mean the Royal Philharmonic, right?

No.

I mean, Queens.

It's right above Brooklyn.

Queens, yes.

The area.

- I-I've heard of it.

- Yeah.

I don't think I've ever been.

We've been part-time for a number of years.

- Mm-hmm.

- But I've raised a little money, and I'm trying to bring it back to life.

And I was thinking you might be able to point me towards a music director.

We can offer complete creative control.

(SCOFFS)

Yeah, well, we all know how long the air will stay in that balloon, don't we?

I'm absolutely serious.

- Ah.

- We don't have a, an audience or capital, or talent.

So we need someone with a vision.

Have you come across anyone who might... fit the bill?

Maybe I should go.

Sit.

I know someone.

Yeah, five, five.

Five times I've been married...

to the same person.

- No.

- Yeah.

No kids, no pets.

It was, you know, just faithful stuff.

Yeah.

- (AMY LAUGHS)

- Yeah.

And she's a nun now.

- A nun?

(LAUGHS)

- Yeah.

Oh, my word.

(CHUCKLES)

Your life's like a nonfiction novel.

I will play for the ceremony if you want me to, Dad.

So you're not practicing?

Uh, no.

I am practicing, just not as much.

What does that mean, "not as much"?

It just means that I'm also practicing something else.

How much does she practice?

Talk to me, Dad.

You always do this.

You get right up to the finish line, and then you fall apart.

- I don't fall apart.

- When she was , she entered all these competitions, bigger and bigger, and then she just ran off the stage and didn't play

- for another six months.

- I needed to find a reason to play that wasn't about you.

- Dad.

- Let's just all take a breath...

Hey, I'm talking right now.

It is a little bit about us, Hailey, because we sold the van so you could have the oboe.

- (SIGHS)

- We moved here, so we could be close to the school.

- I didn't ask you to do that.

- KEITH: You didn't have to because we wanted to provide whatever was necessary to realize your potential.

Now, you're right on the cusp of getting into one of the best orchestras in the world, and you can't follow through.

I auditioned for the symphony, Dad.

A spot opened up.

I tried out.

I didn't get in.

(CHAIR SCRAPES)

What happened?

Why don't you ask him?

RODRIGO: Are you feeling better, Hai Lai?

I'm feeling drunker.

You know, I'm a big fan, the way you make your reeds, you know?

- It's perfect.

- Yeah, well, they have to be perfect.

Because if they're not perfect, then you blow the entire performance, like I did with you the first time I ever played for you.

Don't you think I threw you in too fast?

- (BLOWS NOTE)

- No, you didn't.

Will you sit with me?

Mm-hmm.

You know, when I was a kid, he'd stand outside my door and listen so that I wouldn't stop practicing until the fifth hour was up.

The thing is that I still love it so much.

Mm.

I love the music so much.

I just choke.

He's right.

I just choke.

I understand the choking thing.

- I feel like I'm choking also.

- You never choke.

No, no, really, I've been choking recently.

I don't know why I feel that, but...

Asphyxiating, you know?

Like I want to run away or something.

I mean, it's too much.

I-I don't know.

Is it really boring, being here with my parents?

Oh, no, no.

Nothing to do with your parents.

No.

No, on the contrary.

No, it's quite fascinating to be with them.

Your father, your mother, the way that they...

You know?

And the dinner table, they-they say these things that are... nice, but a bit poisonous.

They lift you and they trap you.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

They trap you.

I have other traps.

Many, actually.

But I-I don't have that one.

I'm curious to see when you...

I don't know... when you break away from it, what's underneath.

Human.

Me?

Hmm?

Both.

I'm telling you.

(SIGHS)

Did I scare you?

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

I'm just gonna go find my dad.

What are you looking at?

Shoemaker-Levy .

It's a comet.

Is it rare?

No.

HAILEY: Wow.

(CHUCKLES)

I think the reason that I didn't get into the orchestra is because I have to try this.

Why does everybody have to become the boss?

Isn't it enough just to be a great instrumentalist?

You always said that the difference between the best and the second best is how bad you want it.

Right now, this is the thing that I could k*ll myself for.

You're not following through.

I am.

It's just not in a straight line.

It should be.

It's easier.

And there's so few female conductors.

Yeah, well, that's a problem.

You don't understand what it's gonna be like for me if I have to watch you fail.

Well, hopefully, you won't have to.

Things don't...

always work out.

You've got a big chance now.

You might not get another one.

I know.

(SNIFFLES)

(EXHALES)

Well, thanks for getting me here.

- Listen, Squirrel...

- (CHUCKLES)

Good night.

Hailey.

♪ ♪ RODRIGO: What are you thinking?

I want to play for something.

And right now I don't know what I'm playing for.

Well, why don't you play for the-the way that parents raise their kids into crazy people.

- That's a little dark, isn't it?

- It is, but...

- (GRUNTS)

- (ROCK SPLASHES)

I was thinking that, maybe, if it wasn't for those type of parents, then there would be no artists.

You know?

Nothing to oppose.

(SEABIRDS SQUAWKING)

- I don't know.

- (ROCK SPLASHES)

Okay.

Let's go.

- How did... how did you get a violin?

- I borrowed it.

- (GIGGLES)

- 'Cause I'm gonna play with you.

I can't believe that you're here.

OFFICIANT: Keith, do you take Amy for your wife yesterday,

- today, and tomorrow?

- I do.

OFFICIANT: And, Amy, do you take Keith for your husband yesterday, today, and tomorrow?

I do.

OFFICIANT: You may kiss the bride.

(SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ ♪

I think you need to start paying rent.

But I thought I wasn't allowed to pay the rent.

No, I mean, like, I think that you should move in.

Like, bring your stuff, if you even have any stuff.

Yeah, it would be nice to be in a place that's...

is not someone else's place.

Okay, then it's our place.

And Sebastian and Shawn.

- And Fred,

- Fred?

- the guy who sleeps on the couch...

- ...on Tuesdays, sometimes Thursdays.

- Ah, yeah.

Mm.

So let's go have sex in our place.

- (LAUGHS)

- Yeah?

Ay, Hai Lai.

- It's too heavy?

- Yeah, but it's okay, it's okay.

("SONGS OF TRAVEL " BY BRYN TERFEL PLAYING)

♪ To the heart ♪

♪ Of youth ♪

♪ The world ♪

♪ Is a highwayside ♪

♪ Passing ♪

♪ For ever ♪

♪ He fares ♪

♪ And on either ♪

♪ Hand ♪

♪ Deep in the gardens ♪

♪ Golden pavilions hide ♪

♪ Nestle in orchard bloom ♪

♪ And far ♪

♪ On the level ♪

♪ Land ♪

♪ Call him ♪

♪ With lighted lamp ♪

♪ In the ♪

♪ Eventide. ♪