04x19 - Scanners

[bunniefuu]

Amy: The customer can type in what they're looking for. This will tell them where in the store to find it. They can scan it themselves, swipe their credit card, and leave the store.

Garrett: So basically, these scanners are gonna make us obsolete.

Glenn: This is it! The robots are coming for our jobs.

Sandra: Are the scanners gonna be listening to everything we say like our phones do?

Cheyenne: Our phones do that?

Marcus: Absolutely. Last week, I was talking a lot about penis enlargement. Now it's like, every ad I see.

Dina: Listen, technology has been taking jobs for years. Think about what happened with bank tellers and ATM machines.

Jonah: It's just ATMs.

Dina: Exactly. It's only ATM machines now.

Jonah: No, you don't need the "machines."

Dina: Nobody needs the machines, but it makes our lives easier.

Myrtle: This is just the beginning. What kind of job will be left for me 30 years from now?

Garrett: Powerlifter? Zumba instructor?

Dina: Okay, everyone relax, all right? It's just a fancy price g*n. It's not a thr*at, no one's getting replaced.

Amy: Yeah, yeah. Uh, also, um, lastly...corporate is asking us to cut back on some hours, so maybe check the schedule? Okay, have a nice day!

Garrett: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?



Garrett: I just don't think anybody's gonna use these. Do you really think our customers are gonna take the time to figure out how to make this thing work?

Mateo: What was that?

Garrett: It just scanned that toaster.

Jonah: From here?

Mateo: Ooh, try aiming for the Breton three-quarter sleeve.

Garrett: The what?

Mateo: The Breton? The boat neck poly blend?

Garrett: Come on, man.

Mateo: Sorry, straight men. The black and white shirt over there.

Garrett: Oh. Got it.

Jonah: That's unbelievable.

Garrett: Hey Cheyenne, hold up that bag of chips up above your head.

Cheyenne: Oh. Okay.

Garrett: Flamin' Hot Funyuns.

Cheyenne: Yeah!

Garrett: Now spin around.

Cheyenne: Okay.

Jonah: Well, I know what we'll be doing today.

Garrett: Got it! Flamin' Hot Funyuns.

Cheyenne: Whoo.



Janet: So how many hours are we all going to lose?

Amy: Um, you know, I can't say exactly right now. I'm still working on the schedule.

Dina: We do know we'll have at least one tall and one skinny per shift. That way, we retain access to high shelves and crawl spaces.

Janet: Well I need all the hours I can get. I just signed my son up for some STEM program, I can barely afford.

Dina: STEM?

Janet: Science, technology, um, energy. I don't know. Nerd stuff. I would hate having to take that away from him. It would break his little heart.

Amy: Hmm. Yeah.

Janet: Please don't make me break his little heart.

Dina: Woof.

Amy: Well, this sucks. Corporate's the one reducing hours. I'm just the one making the schedule.

Dina: Well, you can't really blame them for trying to cut costs in this world of online retail. Have you been to FashionThreads.com? They sell everything we do, but at half the price.

Dress Customer: Really?

Amy: Okay, we have to stop talking about online retail in the store.

Dina: Look, if people here are pissed at you, that's their problem. Just shrug it off.

Amy: Well, that's easy for you to say, Dina. You're not the one that they're going to be blaming for taking away their pay.

Dina: Hell, if you want, tell everyone I made the schedule. I don't care if people hate me. In some sexual situations, I prefer it.

Dress Customer: Excuse me, what is that website again?

Dina: FashionThreads.com, but if you want, I can send you a link, and then we'll both get a code that gets us 10% off our next purchase.

Dress Customer: Yes, please.

Dina: Okay, what's your email?



Jonah: One, two, three, four, five and turn!

Mateo: Me first! Me first!

Cheyenne: Oh, I got you, bitch!

Garrett: All right, it says "Gold Bond" "Medicated Foot Powder" was first.

Jonah: Which means the winner is Cheyenne "Sensodyne Rapid Relief" Lee!

Cheyenne: Oh, yeah! Sens-o-dyne!

Glenn: What is going on over here?

Cheyenne: We're playing scanner duel. Two people each get a scanner, and then Mateo loses.

Glenn: That sounds like fun. Can I play?

Jonah: You wanna play?

Glenn: Yeah. Guys, I'm not the boss anymore. If you guys are having a little secret, naughty fun time, I'm into it.

Mateo: Unfortunate wording.



Sandra: Hey Amy? I saw I only have 30 hours next week.

Amy: Yeah. Um, look, Sandra, everyone's hours have been cut.

Sandra: It's just a bad time for me. An identity thief stole my identity from the guy who stole it first, and the charges are racking up.

Amy: Oh, wow.

Sandra: And then, remember that Brazilian model who emailed me about opening a joint bank account? Well, that also went sideways.

Amy: Look, Sandra, um, I would help you if I could, but um, Dina made the schedule. Hey Dina, um, do you think maybe you could throw Sandra some hours? It seems like maybe you cut too many.

Dina: Oh, yeah. No, sorry. The schedule I made is the schedule I made.

Amy: Come on, really? I mean, she's going through a lot right now.

Sandra: Yeah, I mean, my credit is only 60 and my Brazilian credit is two.

Dina: Um, yeah, everybody has problems. Don't care. Not making any changes.

Amy: Ugh! I mean, I'm sorry. I really do wish that I could help you, Sandra, but it's, it's out of my hands.

Sandra: Yeah, well, thank you for trying at least.

Amy: Thank you.

Dina: Listen, like I said, it doesn't bother me. And, you know, people dislike you enough. We don't need to add any fuel to that fire.

Amy: What fire?



Garrett: All right, so everybody's got a UPC sticker. You're gonna put that on your shirt or vest.

Glenn: Stickers on the vests!

Jonah: Okay, there's two teams...

Glenn: Two teams. One versus the other.

Jonah: Okay, Glenn, thank you so much for the energy, but let's get through this. Uh, if you picked "soup," you are with me. If you picked "yogurt," you are with Garrett.

Sandra: I got peach yogurt, can I switch? 'Cause peaches make the inside of my mouth itch.

Jonah: Okay, to be clear, nobody is eating the product. This is just a way...

Glenn: Don't eat the products!

Jonah: ...for us to divide up into teams.

Cheyenne: Um, mine says "plain." Which team am I on?

Garrett: That's yogurt because there's no such thing as plain soup.

Myrtle: There was during the Depression.

Garrett: Good point. All right, guys, it's dodgeball rules, which means if you're hit, you're eliminated. First team to eliminate the other team wins. Any questions?

Cheyenne: Uh yeah, did Jonah put all the white people on one team on purpose?

Jonah: Oh, um, no. That was just an accident.

Mateo: Oh, a happy accident?

Jonah: I never said happy.

Earl: I heard you say happy.

Sandra: I think these teams are fine.

Carol: No one asked what you think, Sandra.

Cheyenne: Oh, my God. Can we just play?

Jonah: Yes, thank you. Okay, two minute grace period to disperse, and then the game begins. Good luck.

Myrtle: Let's go, white people!



Marcus: Hey Amy, I've only worked two hours today, and now I'm supposed to go home? How is that fair?

Amy: Um, I don't know. I didn't make the schedule. Dina did. Dina, um, is there anything you could do for Marcus?

Marcus: I really need the money. My finances are a little complicated right now.

Dina: Afraid not. My hands are tied. Sorry, I just realized "frayed knot" super solid rope pun. I've got to use that on purpose some time.

Marcus: Unbelievable.

Janet: She cut my hours, too. So much for Jackson's STEM program.

Marcus: What's a STEM program?

Janet: I don't know. Would everyone please stop asking me that?

Amy: Guys, I'm really sorry.

Marcus: Hey, don't blame yourself. You gave her a chance. She's the one who whiffed it.

Amy: Yeah, she totally whiffed it. Ugh! Why did I have to let her do it?



Carol: Ah, Kim, you suck! "American sn*per," baby!

Mateo: Why does she scream "American sn*per" every time she hits somebody? It makes it so much worse.

Cheyenne: How are we supposed to get her in there?

Garrett: If this was the real world, I'd just chuck a grenade in there.

Mateo: And by real world, you're talking about?

Garrett: "Call of Duty."

Cheyenne: Oh, we can throw a raccoon in there, except they're never around when you need them.

Garrett: If there was just a way that we could sneak up behind her.

Mateo: Oh, what about the service tunnel behind the walls?

Garrett: You know, that's a great idea. Why don't you do that and we'll distract her?

Mateo: Cover me.

Cheyenne: Why do we need to distract her?

Garrett: I don't know. I guess we don't.

Cheyenne: Yeah, it just seems unnecessary, you know, if she's already facing out. It's, like, what would be the point?

Garrett: Okay, are we just going to be picking things apart? Is that what you want to spend the rest of the day doing? I mean, I come up with an idea, like...

Cheyenne: Yeah, well, you know I'm right, so whatever.



Glenn: Sandra! Got you! Got you! Oh yeah! Yeah, I was waiting for you for hours!

Sandra: Yeah.

Glenn: Oh, that was fun.

Sandra: Can I get you...help you out?

Glenn: Oh, thank you. Okay, let's, I, thank you.



Dina: Hey, is this your kid?

Man: No. I mean, yes.

Dina: Eh, you already said no. b*at it. So what's your deal? You waiting for someone to buy you liquor or something?

Jackson: No, I'm waiting for my Mom. She works here.

Dina: Who's your Mom?

Jackson: Janet Woods.

Dina: You didn't hear? She d*ed, like a month ago.

Jackson: What?

Dina: Woods! Sorry, I was thinking Rogers. No, no, your Mom's not dead. She's very alive. Cool science kit.

Jackson: Thanks?

Dina: I'm sorry you're not going to be able to go to that STEM science program thing. It's just a tough economy right now, you know?

Jackson: Wait, I can't go to the program?

Dina: I don't know. I mean, maybe, maybe not. You should talk to your mom. I mean, she, she knows you better than I do. Oh, you're really Droopy Dog about this, aren't you? Ah.



Marcus: Oh, God. Oh, man!

Mateo: Marcus?

Marcus: Whoa! Hey, Mateo.

Mateo: What are you doing here?

Marcus: Oh, just got, uh, sent home early.

Mateo: Are you living here?

Marcus: What, like some homeless person? No, no! God, no. I, I, I sleep here. I live in my car.

Mateo: Oh.



Mother's Day Customer: I want to get her something really special. They don't know if she'll make it through the surgery, so this could be our last Mother's Day together, and I...

Sayid: Got you, Earl!

Earl: Damn it! [bleep] this game!



Marcus: Uh, just for a little bit, you know, until I get back on my feet. Please don't tell anyone. I, I'd offer to give you money, but...

Mateo: It's okay. Well, I'm just gonna...

Marcus: Hey, wait, wait! No, wait. Uh, why don't you just stay and hang out? Do you like sushi? 'Cause I make a mean shrimp ramen.

Mateo: That's not sushi. Um, you know, I'm actually trying to...

Marcus: Please stay.



Dina: Hey boss, quick question. Do we have any wiggle room on hours?

Amy: Uh, well, I don't know. You made the schedule!

Dina: Ha-ha. Yeah. I was just hoping to give a few extra to Janet. Just met her son, cute kid, and I, uh, feel kind of bad.

Amy: Yeah, I mean, I wish we could, but they were really strict about cutbacks, and if we give her more, we're gonna have to take them from someone else and then that's just gonna start a whole thing, so...

Dina: Mm-hmm, yeah. No, absolutely. I get it. Don't even worry about it. I was, uh, just wanting to ask.

Amy: You okay?

Dina: You know what's funny? I've uh, never had a problem hearing people's sob stories. It's, like, that's just words, but when you when you see them, the people actually hurting, it's, uh it's kind of a bummer.

Amy: Yeah, um Look, Dina, if this is all just too much, we could just stop telling people that you made the schedule.

Dina: Yeah? 'Cause if it's all the same to you, maybe we should.

Amy: Yeah. Although, you know, I mean, I would hate for people to think that I demoted you.

Dina: They wouldn't.

Amy: They might.

Dina: Oh, it wouldn't bother me if they did.

Amy: Yeah, but you also thought this wouldn't bother you, and now we're here, so...

Dina: Yeah. You're probably right. Well, back out there.

Amy: I mean, I guess I could...

Dina: Huh? Huh?

Amy: I didn't say anything. Um, pipes.

Dina: Oh.

Amy: Bye.

Dina: What?

Amy: Just bye. I was just saying bye.

Dina: Oh. Bye.



Cheyenne: First the baby wipes were in Baby, then they moved them to Pharmacy, and now they're back in Baby again.

Wipes Customer: Uh, isn't the Baby section that way?

Cheyenne: Yeah, but we're taking the long way. There's a bunch of white people over there and I don't want to get sh*t.

Wipes Customer: Oh. Okay.



Amy: It's awful. I've been telling everyone that Dina's the one who made the schedule, and she says that she's fine with it, but I feel weird. What are you looking at?

Jonah: Nothing. I'm listening. Keep going.

Amy: It just feels like I'm asking her to take the blame for something I did, although, you know, it's not my fault corporate decided to cut the payroll.

Jonah: Hmm, hmm! Hmm!

Amy: Jonah, what are you doing?

Jonah: Just hugging you. Hugging you tightly.

Amy: Okay, well, thank you. Thanks. I feel better now. You can stop.

Jonah: Hmm, oh, you know what? Have you seen the new SodaStream display?

Amy: Jonah, what are you doing? I can walk! Jonah, put me down!



Preeti: It's just not a good time for me. My husband just got laid off from his job, and the bank wants to foreclose on our house.

Dina: Yeah, yup, yup.

Preeti: And I just found out I'm pregnant and I know it's going to be triplets again.

Dina: Don't care. Can't help you. I make the schedule.

Preeti: Do you want to see a picture of my dog?

Dina: Mm-mm!

Preeti: He's very sick and he has alopecia.

Dina: No, shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Oh! Oh, he's so ugly. Oh, you should put him out of his misery.

Preeti: No!

Dina: That's no way to live.

Marcus: Mmm. Mmm. Sorry it's so crunchy. I can't get water to boil down here, so it just comes out a little al dente.

Mateo: That's fine.

Marcus: God, out of all the people that work here, I can't believe I'm the homeless one. It's so embarrassing.

Mateo: Everybody's got something. Myrtle's super old, Isaac's got anger issues, Jonah wears a wig, probably.

Marcus: Well, I'll tell you one thing, buddy. It ain't easy. You would cr*ck in a day.

Mateo; Well, that seems needlessly antagonistic.

Marcus: It's true. You couldn't handle it. Always worrying if you're gonna get caught, wondering what people would think if they knew.

Mateo: Oh, I think I could handle it.

Marcus: Come on. Your cushy little life?

Mateo: You don't know my life, and it's not that cushy.

Marcus: Dude, I'm homeless!

Mateo: Dude, I'm undocumented.

Marcus: Seriously?

Mateo: Yeah, so suck it.

Marcus: Oh. Hey, thanks for telling me. We have each other's secrets now. Let's make a pact. I won't say anything about your thing unless my thing comes out, and vice versa.

Mateo: Um, you can't say anything about my thing.

Marcus: And I totally won't, unless my thing gets out. Ride together, die together.

Mateo: Oh, God.



Garrett (P.A.): Jonah Simms, please come to Health and Beauty. Jonah Simms, you're needed in Health and Beauty.

Jonah (P.A.): This is Jonah Simms. What exactly am I needed for?

Garrett (P.A.): Uh, customer has a question about Wet n Wild dry shampoo.

Jonah (P.A.): I'm sure someone over there can help the customer.

Garrett (P.A.): You know what? He asked for you specifically. They said you had great hair.

Jonah (P.A.): Please tell the customer thank you, but it's genetic.

Garrett (P.A.): I think, uh, they would prefer to hear that from you in person, and also, he wants to talk about the "This American Life" podcast.

Jonah (P.A.): Uh, and I'd love to do just that, so perhaps you could bring the customer over here.

Garrett (P.A.): Glenn Sturgis, please come to Health and Beauty. Glenn Sturgis, please come to Health and Beauty.

Glenn: I'm on my way!

Jonah: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Glenn, Glenn, no, no, no, no.



Myrtle: It's just that if I lose my hours, I can't afford my arthritis medication, and without my arthritis medication, I can't open the bottle for my heart medication, and then it just spirals after that and then I die.

Dina: You know what? I'm, I'm gonna see what I can do, all right?

Janet: You're giving her more hours? My son is crying in the café right now because he can't go to Nerd Camp.

Dina: Fine, I'll give you both more hours, okay?

Amy: Uh, Dina? Uh, you're just giving people their hours back?

Sandra: You are? Can I get mine back too?

Dina: Sure, what the hell?

Amy: No, I don't think she...

Sandra: Thank you! Thank you.

Amy: Oh, you're just giving them out left and right, huh? You're like Oprah, if she didn't stop to think things through.

Preeti: I'll take some hours.

Dina: Done.

Amy: Hey Dina...

Dina: Now go put down your dog.

Amy: Um, Dina, I just wanna make sure you're not promising hours that don't exist.

Dina: Well, we're in it now, aren't we? All right, who else wants some hours, huh? Come and get 'em while they're hot!



Amy: Dina, we don't have the hours to give people! You can't just go around giving them out like you're Ebenezer Scrooge!

Dina: What?

Amy: In the end, once he's nice.

Dina: Look, if you want to go out there and look those people in their sad little faces and take back the hours, be my guest.

Amy: Me? No! You're the one who decided to play Hour Fairy! Dina, this is very hard to do while you're on the floor. Can you please just get up for just a second?

Dina: Nope. I'm down for the count. You can grab some floor if you want. It's nice, right?

Amy: I guess. What are you...

Dina: Could you just just give me a little pull? Okay!



Odd Customer: Excuse me, I need to return a plastic tarp. When I opened it up, it had blood on it.

Glenn: Do you have a receipt?

Cheyyenne: Ow!

Jonah: Oh, oh! Are you okay?

Cheyenne: Something bit me! Something [bleep] bit me!

Jonah: What, I what? What is...

Cheyenne: Ow! Get it off of me!

Jonah: I don't see it. I don't see it.

Cheyenne: Get it off! You have to get the suckers out!

Glenn: I don't see any suckers!

Cheyenne: That's 'cause you're the suckers.

Garrett: Beep, beep. You dead, fools.

Cheyenne: Oh, how do you like me now?

Garrett: Team Yogurt wins.

Glenn: You, no. No, no, no, no. Come on, guys! That is not fair!

Garrett: That's what losers always say.

Jonah: No, no, no. Glenn, Glenn. They got us fair and square, okay? Or or did you get yourselves?

Cheyenne and Garrett: What?

Jonah: Well, it's just that if you look at your scanner, you'll see that I replaced my price tag with blueberry yogurt, which is you, so it looks like you're the suckers.

Glenn: Ah, it's a switcheroo!

Garrett: No, no, no, no. No switcheroo. That's just cheating.

Jonah: We never said we couldn't switch tags.

Garrett: Yeah, whatever, dude. We won. Team Yogurt for life.

Cheyenne: Mm-hmm.

Jonah: No.

Garrett: Mm-hmm.

Cheyenne: Yogurt, yogurt, yogurt

Glenn: Is it?

Jonah: No, no. Not yogurt, no. Soup.

Cheyenne and Garrett: Yogurt, yogurt, yogurt.

Glenn and Jonah: Soup! Soup!

Garrett: Yogurt.

Glenn: Yum.



Sandra: Jerry?

Jerry: Hey, Sandy Bear.

Sandra: What what are you doing here?

Jerry: I'm picking up Carol. She's making me get a haircut. She says I look like a hippie.

Sandra: Oh. Well, don't take too much off. I like your hair.

Jerry: Really?

Sandra: Yeah. I always thought that you'd look great with a Mohawk.

Jerry: See? You're the only one who gets me.



Dina: You know what's weird to think about? That the default Newton was fig. I mean, why would you start there?

Amy: Yeah, I guess that is random. You'd think they start with something more basic, like strawberry.

Dina: Exactly, and then after many years, and trying many different fruits, maybe you take a chance on fig.

Amy: But, it's not a cookie, it's a straw-Newton? That doesn't have the same ring.

Dina: I guess. Well, I guess at some point, we should discuss the new schedule and figure out where those hours are going to come from.

Amy: Yeah. Hey, what are you watching these days?

Dina: Mostly Kn*fe trick tutorials on YouTube. I can do a double rollout with a five-inch butterfly.

Amy: Grownups watch YouTube?

Dina: That's all I watch. What else do I need? It has everything you ever want to see in one place.



Amy: Hey, I thought everyone left.

Jonah: They did but, you know, you drove me, so...

Amy: Ah, yes. I forgot. Sorry. Oh, it's been a rough day.

Jonah: It has. Hey, why am I on the schedule only three hours next week?

Amy: Um, so we had to do some reallocating of hours, so I just took them off from you. I hope that's all right.

Jonah: This is not what I intended when I started sleeping with the boss.

Amy: Big miscalculation on your part.

Jonah: You know, if I get evicted, I'm gonna come stay with you.

Amy: All right, I could empty some drawers. I mean, you are over all the time anyways, so you could just, like, stay over or whatever.

Jonah: I'm sorry, are you asking me to move in with you?

Amy: I'm, I'm saying that you can move in with me if you feel like that's what you need.

Jonah: Oh, you're, you're allowing me to move in with you.

Amy: You're, you're allowed, yes.

Jonah: Okay, sure. Why not?

Amy: Okay. Cool.

Jonah: Cool.

Myrtle: Hey, the white people are going out for wings. You coming?

Jonah: Oh, no thanks. Have fun, though. No idea what that was about.