03x02 - I Said Make Up

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

You did this, Em.

I said I love it, and I love you.

Sorry, I'm just a little overwhelmed.

Is it possible that the amount of "whelm" that you're feeling is due in part to the magazine thing?

You think you could call it "the magazine" and not "the magazine thing"?

WOMAN: Have you guys talked about some version of childcare?

We're more talking about talking about it.

Men suck.

That's my thesis.

Mm-hmm, okay.

Jot this one down...

uh, we're confused.

The vexing plight of the millennial male.

It is our two-month anniversary.

The things I'm gonna to do to you when we get home.

Oh, what a shame.

I don't sleep with married women.

Uh, so this is a bit awkward, but you postponed the last two scheduled signings, and I just wanna make sure that we're still on for Monday.

Cool.

Cool, cool, coolio.

You seriously need to stop worrying about the Trakarskies and start sorting your own sh*t.

- You saw your dad?

How was that?

- Hey there, peanut.

Go the f*ck away.

I texted Emma that Jack and I would be out of the loft all day so she can come deal with all the sh*t that we've been storing.

- Hey.

- Hey.

♪ Izzy said you wouldn't be here.

Oh, you talked to Izzy?

Yeah, she texted me, said you'd both be gone so I could deal with all my sh*t you've been storing.

See, she, uh...

she left a key.

Okay, could you guys give us some, uh...

When did they leave?

[CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES]

- Well, I have a question.

- Oh, good, 'cause another seconds of this excruciating silence, and I was gonna fake an aneurysm.

[LAUGHS]

Ah.

Um, did Izzy not know you'd be here?

Of course she knew I'd be here.

I...

Oh.

Did we just get "Parent Trapped"?

Apparently.

Why would she do that?

I think she wants us to scream and throws things at each other, like I need that to move on.

Well, do you need that?

'Cause you can lob something right at my head.

No.

I'm good.

We're good.

Me and Izzy.

Um, I actually have a pretty packed schedule.

I got a lot of errands to run, just so you know.

What?

On a Saturday?

After watching basketball and drinking beer?

Well, that's new.

Mm, it's all-new, Em.

Everything.

Hm.

So you really are good, the two of you?

You're happy?

I love her more than I ever thought possible.

Aww.

That's awesome.

That really makes me happy.

♪ Augh!

Well, what am I supposed to do?

You won't answer my calls.

Uh, maybe stop calling?

Aw, come on, peanut.

I told you not to call me that.

- Let's not...

- How did you find me?

Your mom.

- Mom?

- Yeah.

Mom told you where I live?

Yeah, she did.

She thinks we should talk.

Isabelle.

[SIGHS]

Did I invite you to my side of the street?

No, I didn't.

Go away!

Well, I'm not gonna...

[SIGHS]

I'm sober.

Can't say the same.

Just downed a couple medicinal bloodies to even out.

You know what I'm saying?

Never mind.

I know you do.

No.

I don't mean right now.

I mean I'm sober.

[SIGHS]

Really?

Yep.

How long?

Little over a year.

Wow.

Only years too late.

[SIGHS]

- Traffic okay?

- Uh, yeah, I used this app.

Left at precisely the optimal time to minimize both departure and arrival, so...

Wow.

I know.

Amazing.

What's it called?

Um, I don't know off the top of my head, but I could get my phone.

Actually, I couldn't care less.

[CHUCKLES]

Just couldn't think of anything else to say.

So, how's everything else going with you?

I mean, aside from being more in love than you ever thought possible.

Well, it'd be easier for me to make a list of the parts of my body that don't ache from all the dancing I've been doing.

Like, my hair and... that's about it actually.

You...

You dance now?

Oh, yeah.

Publicly.

And we're on the highly-unrecommended vodka, pot, and delivery food diet.

[CHUCKLES]

But I get to wake up every morning, look at her, and fall in love all over again, so there's that.

Huh.

Mm-hmm.

So, how's, uh, things with what's-her-name?

Smiley?

- Wiley?

- Kylie.

- Kylie.

- [CHUCKLES]

She is awesome.

Mm.

"Smiley," really?

- That's a name.

- Yeah?

Totally gonna name my first-born daughter "Smiley Jane Trakarksy." Yeah, assuming you want her to grow up to be a deformed comic-book villain.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ So, the lesbian thing is working out for you?

Um, it is... it is... it is going very well.

Thank you for asking.

Can we take a second just to acknowledge how weird this conversation is?

- I mean, did you ever imagine that...

- No, Em.

This is not what I imagined.

- At all.

- Yeah.

Can you give me five minutes without storming off?

[SIGHS]

Okay, four?

I'm getting my sh*t together, Isabelle.

I'm here for a pretty major construction project.

I'm managing a bigger crew than I ever have before.

It's "Izzy." Don't call me "Isabelle." Right, Izzy.

I'm not bragging.

I'm just saying I've changed.

Here's a thought... what if you gave up the bottle too late and you just suddenly die right in front of me - and that's why you're here... karmic justice?

- [LAUGHS]

I'm imagining you dropping dead.

Why are you laughing?

Because you're funny when you try to be mean.

Oh, my God.

- Uh, it's mid-Swedish modernalism.

- Mm, nope.

"Mid-Swedish" isn't a thing, and "modernalism" isn't a word.

Mm, my original Jorgen Erikson...

the first furniture acquisition I could honestly refer to as a piece.

It was way more than we could afford.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, we had to sleep on a mattress on the floor for six months so you could buy that.

No, we slept on a mattress for six months because you couldn't figure out how to build the IKEA bed frame.

As I recall, neither could the architect.

Pretty sure the Swedes are f*cking with us.

I haven't looked through this stuff.

Are you sure this is all yours?

♪ ALEX: Okay, so, I stuck my widget in your launch pad.

Whoa!

He stuck your what in my what?

Buy a girl a drink first.

I...

you...

the...

[CLEARS THROAT]

The, uh...

Oh, that's great.

You broke Alex.

Well, you gotta flex the muscles, babe.

Use 'em or lose 'em.

It's, uh, cloud-based, and, uh, mm...

whew!

[CHUCKLES]

And now he's reverted to puberty.

So we can all access the files, and we can see the layout in progress, get notes on the page like...

this.

Oh, God, Alex, you're amazing.

Th...

thank you so much.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, uh, hey, Carmen.

When did...

when did you get here?

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Unbelievable.

Hey, Carm.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Hey, Hannah.

Oh, you got a little, uh... adolescent male on your shirt there.

Oh, Alex works for the printing company.

He's .

- Great.

- People are still ?

And you're doing earmuffs on him like he's some sort of child.

That's great.

Do you guys have an HR department yet, or... ?

- Mnh-mnh.

- I don't mind.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, so, what's wrong?

What's going on?

Thing's kinda went south pretty fast over there.

Like, Deep South.

Like Alabama.

Things went Alabama over there.

I left the house minutes ago.

I know.

It was all very sudden.

I'm gonna go ahead and blame the uprising on hunger, because we are literally out of everything.

Hey.

Why don't you and I take a break?

Give this two some space.

For sure.

Absolutely.

[CHUCKLES]

- Bye.

- Bye...

Alex.

He only intermittently knows I exist, but he melts into a puddle every time Hannah speaks.

Can we get back to the Amari famine of please?

Right.

Right, okay, well, listen close, because this is incredibly useful information.

There are these large, regulated establishments filled with every type of food you can possibly imagine, and if you can't find something, kindly Samaritans with name tags will guide you.

That's very clever.

Now, if I go to this magical place, can I leave the kids here?

- Absolutely not!

Okay, so then, how does that work?

[GROANING]

Oh, you're doing the thing where you...

wanna say something, but your mouth is sealed shut, and your eyebrows are dancing.

I mean, you've taken the kids to the store countless times, right?

Somehow we all keep coming back alive!

You think I like coming over here like some hapless Neanderthal?

I am very disappointed with myself right now!

This is hard.

Well, that's a start.

Yeah?

Well, what's going on here?

Are you coming home soon-ish?

I will come home when I'm done-ish, just like you.

Okay.

Mm.

Go to the store with your children.

Women will swoon.

Intriguing.

Trust me.

Super-f*cking hot.

All right, go.

Hop to.

Back to work, people!

♪ Are you gonna do your ceremonial breath cleaning of a single glass, or is now a bad time?

Okay, so the experiment's definitely gonna need what we call controls.

Yeah, no, I'm familiar with the concept.

That means we need to keep a lot of things the same so that we can accurately measure the differences between my test subjects.

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Did you just womansplain me?

- Is that too soon?

- Way too f*ckin' soon.

So, I'm thinking that I should meet all of my dates the same way and go to the same place with them.

I was thinking a dating app and right here, not too late, not too early.

Those are the controls.

Right here?

Yeah, you got a problem with that?

No, no.

Date on, Garth.

Date like nobody's watching', huh?

Date...

Date till the cows come home.

Date like...

Did you hit your head on that same shelf again?

♪ Boom!

First date's gonna be tomorrow night.

Okay, well, someone's a little sure of themselves.

So, one cleavage sh*t, and all the men of Portland are instantly reduced to horny, right-swiping zombies?

Come on.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

- Well, that's just...

- [CELLPHONE CHIMING]

- Well, co...

- [CHIMING CONTINUES]

I'm sorry.

What did you say?

I...

I can't hear you over the teeming horde of lustful suitors.

- Okay...

The...

- [CHIMING CONTINUES]

The point is...

- How about you...

- [CHIMING CONTINUES]

Never mind.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, my God, this guy's dressed like a wizard.

Shaun, look.

Shaun?

Shaun?

Hmm.

Maybe.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

I don't know about you, but I could eat.

Um...

yeah, I don't think...

We don't have anything here, but...

- That's fine.

- ... we could get delivery or something?

I'm sorry.

That was a bad idea.

It's not a party.

Let's just, um...

Oh, my God.

Why do we have perfectly-good sets of ear buds?

And half-b*rned holiday candles.

You'd think just once we would look for leftovers.

Can I please light all the pumpkin spice candles for Izzy?

Best or worst idea ever?

- [SCOFFS]

- It's kinda...

Wh...

what does that mean?

Huff?

I mean, what the f*ck is that?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Izzy set this up.

It's what she wanted.

You think this is what she wanted...

for us to continue not talking about it?

Trade quips about ear buds and f*cking holiday candles?

- I was just...

trying to...

- You know what?

We can just have the movers take the rest of this stuff.

You should go.

♪ Okay.

♪ Make your amends and go away already.

Okay, well, I...

I called you when I got my one-month chip and then my three-month chip and then my one-year...

I heard the messages.

I just assumed you were lying.

Uh, n...

no.

Not to rub it in or anything.

It's kinda hard to work construction if you can't handle the concept of other people drinking.

Cool, 'cause those bloodies are starting to wear off, and this surprise visit of yours is accelerating my headache.

Guess it's : somewhere.

Are you suggesting that I'm an alcoholic like you?

No.

You know, you can't just drop back into my adult life and parent me.

Okay, fine.

Fine.

Understood.

I just want a chance to be...

- What?

- [SIGHS]

I don't know.

Whatever you'll let me be, I guess.

Well, here's a tip...

Don't do the annoying -step thing where everybody has to get into the same rickety, joyless boat as you.

- You're right.

- What?

I said you're right.

I won't.

Good!

♪ You know what?

No.

"No" what?

I'm not leaving.

Oh, and this?

This is mine.

What is that?

That is the kind of mix a guy makes when he's trying to prove that he's too cool to listen to music anyone else has ever heard of.

Okay, 'cause I originally got that from a philosophy grad assistant who I dated for like five minutes.

So, you remixed me, and you never came clean about it?

Yeah.

That was my big secret.

Right.

I'm sorry, Jack.

I really am sorry.

You know that was the only baby gift we got before the miscarriage?

First time I...

I thought the universe was trying to tell me something.

Izzy's right.

We need to talk.

Yeah.

Could you clear something up for me?

I mean, it's not big deal.

Just a vexing mystery of my entire existence.

Yeah, piece of cake.

sh**t.

If you and Mom hated each other so much, why did you get married?

We didn't start out hating each other.

Things got dark after I lost my job.

That's your excuse?

It had nothing to do with the excessive drinking or the affairs?

I'm an alcoholic, and I was a shitty father.

And while I'm laying it all out there, your mother and I were never really in love,

- so when things got a little rough...

- That's nice.

... we took it out on each other.

I only stayed for you.

Well, I guess you got over me.

Was it the braces?

Zits?

Something I said?

When I left, I...

I told myself that it was the best thing for you.

But now I realize that I was just doing what drunks do when things get hard.

I ran away.

And I know they're just words, but I need to say them.

I'm sorry.

[VOICE BREAKING]

And you will never know how much, Izzy.

♪ There's one more stop.

♪ Hey.

Hi, hi.

Hello.

Um, this, what you're doing...

It's against FDA rules, okay?

Something about saliva and the fact that it's f*cking annoying.

Yeah, so if you guys don't stop immediately, I'm gonna have to punch you both in the face, and I don't wanna.

Sorry.

It's the law, so...

Sorry.

Shaun, what do you want?

I'm not in the mood to be berated about how little I work.

Okay, for the record, you basically get paid to hang around at a bar that you already hung around at.

Which, saying it out loud, makes me think that it's a pretty cool idea.

Hey, and you and your bestie have v*olence issues!

Deal with it.

Get a Groupon.

What's wrong?

Fucker keeps posting these weird pictures of him and his dad somewhere in the woods, smiling all over themselves.

Why the hell are they in the woods all the time?!

Right, I...

I'm thinking it's not so much the woods as it is the excessive smiling.

Am I right?

I mean, how dare he be so happy?

Ow!

You gotta stop doing that!

You got these bony, little knuckles.

- p*ssy.

- Psycho.

Okay.

My best, most logical guess is that...

clearly a zombie outbreak has happened somewhere near Salem, Oregon, and they've taken to the woods to survive.

And it's all shits and giggles for, you know, dad and son here, and they're just sh1tting and... and giggling and building lean-tos until someone's face gets eaten off, which...

clearly hasn't happened yet, and that's why they're there, so...

Mystery solved.

Occam's razor.

You're welcome.

Next.

[CHUCKLES]

You are so f*ckin' weird.

♪ [CHUCKLES]

- It's cute.

- Mm.

If you'd ask me a year ago where would we be right now, I would've said, "On your favorite rug in our perfect Hawthorne Heights home, staring at our baby, interpreting every burp or sh*t as a sure sign of future greatness."

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

We would've been that couple posting a hundred indistinguishable baby photos on Instagram when really one would be just boring enough.

[CHUCKLES]

When did you stop wanting kids?

There wasn't one moment.

It just kinda happened gradually over the years.

Ever consider talking to me about it?

I did.

You just never heard me.

So that's how you sleep at night.

I've wondered.

Yeah, and how do you sleep at night ever since Izzy's high-functioning uterus became the center of your world?

[SIGHS]

Please tell me I did not just f*cking hear that.

Hold on a sec.

I don't get a side to this story?

No.

You absolutely, % do not.

Jack, admit it...it was just a matter of time before you and Izzy thought of me as the barren first wife who forgot to leave.

No, you do not get to be the wounded one.

You f*cking imposter.

"Imposter"?

"Imposter"... this from the guy who hands out mixes of songs he's never heard of.

You hired an escort to get your groove back, and then you got down on your f*cking knees and begged her to have your baby right in front of your g*dd*mn f*cking wife.

Bravo.

Author, author.

Oh, my God, at least see an actual play before you toss around the jargon.

What about our marriage?

Huh?

I had a f*cking front-row seat to that bullshit piece of theatre.

Kudos on the surprise ending, by the way.

Corporate jet and a six-line text?

That's f*ckin' nice.

Jesus, Emma, how could you do that to me?

I can't do this with you right now.

If you won't leave, I will.

Jack.

Jack!

Just tell me what to do, what to say, how to fix it.

- I want to fix this.

- What do you want to do?

You want to be f*cking friends?

You want to double date, go to each other's weddings?

Are you f*cking kidding me?

You are a delusional psychopath who only builds things to compensate for everything she destroys.

f*ck you and your diagnosis of me.

f*ck me?

You owe me f*cking years.

f*ck you!

f*ck you!

f*ck!

[WINCES]

- I'm sorry.

- Jesus.

Oh, here.

Here, let me take a look.

[CHUCKLES]

[GROANS]

Are you...

Yeah, I don't know.

That's like some real

"w*r of the Roses" type sh*t, except...

- It was...

It was soft.

- Softer.

Yeah.

Sorry.

♪ [CHUCKLES]

♪ So, you're having people over?

Nope.

I'm consuming an extra-large pizza, a case of beer, and bucks worth of candy all by myself.

- I call it "Saturday."

- Ah.

So, what now, a...

a hug?

A shake?

A high five?

Uh, I'm good, but thanks.

Ah.

Thank you.

Well, it's been a... been a slice, Ben.

S...

sorry.

You sure you don't need a hand with that?

No, I got it.

It's not my first rodeo.

Isabelle...

Please don't say something stupid and ruin it.

"Don't ruin it"?

So, you mean you thought this went well?

See?

Like...

Like that.

Okay.

You seriously still do that?

[CHUCKLES]

I gave you one for school, remember?

- Yeah.

- Well, I guess it worked.

You didn't get kicked out like I did.

Actually, I did.

Junior year.

I didn't know that.

There's a lot you don't know.

Yeah.

When do you have classes?

I'm getting my PhD.

I don't really have classes.

Right.

But, uh...

Monday I have a : with my advisor.

Why?

Why?

[DOOR CLOSES]

♪

What the f*ck?

♪ I tried to meet you there, halfway ♪

♪ I had to go such a long, long way ♪

♪ Now, is it, is it a "yes" today? ♪

♪ Now, I'm gonna keep moving on and on and ♪

♪ Well, maybe you won't be... ♪

♪ Oh, maybe you were phenom-enoma... ♪

♪ I tried to meet you there, halfway ♪

♪ Only to find that you were M.I.A. ♪

♪ No reason why, no way ♪

♪ No running into me on my way ♪