03x03 - Tourist Lesbians and Millennial Twats

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

I need a plan.

- Yeah, no sh*t.

- Some way to get the two of them alone in an enclosed space.

- Is that your dad?

- I'm sober.

- How long?

- A little over a year.

Wow.

Only years too late.

The state of the millennial man.

That's my thesis.

So, I'm thinking that I should meet all of my dates the same way.

Right here, not too late, not too early.

When did you stop wanting kids?

It just kind of happened gradually over the years.

Have you guys talked about some version of child care?

We're more talking about talking about it.

We can't publish almost-finished theater reviews.

- Yeah.

- Divorce signing thing still on for Monday?

Oh, buddy, is that what this is about?

I just want to make sure that we're still on for Monday.

Yeah.

We are totally a go.

When do you have classes?

Monday, I have a : .

Why?

EMMA: You hired an escort to get your groove back, and then you got down on your f*cking knees and begged her to have your baby.

You owe me f*cking years.

f*ck you!

[DOOR CLOSES]

What the f*ck?

♪ Uh...

Babe, I don't know how it happened, okay?

One minute she was leaving, and the next minute we were all...

well, I guess you saw.

Iz.

Izzy, look at me.

You cannot break up with him over this.

Do not tell me who I can or cannot break up with for whatever f*cking reason.

No, I'm not telling you.

I'm begging you.

Look, nothing's changed.

I'm still in a committed relationship in Seattle.

You two are...

Oh, this day has really taken a turn.

♪ Starting without me...

♪ ♪

[CELLPHONE BUZZING]

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, f*ck.

[BUZZING CONTINUES]

Hi, babe.

[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE]

[MOANS]

So, that happened.

Oh, you're mad now?

I thought this is exactly what you wanted when you parent trapped us.

I was hoping to find you guys making nice, not making out.

You sure that's all you were hoping for?

Quit mining my subconscious motivations, doctor dickhead.

Does your subconscious buy the beer, pizza, and candy?

Oh, you think you're very funny.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Em, are you okay?

Was that Kylie?

Yeah.

Was she super pissed?

No, because I just lied my f*cking ass off.

Something I was really hoping to eliminate as a defining character trait.

[CELLPHONE CLANKS]

Why would you lie to her?

Why don't you just tell her what happened?

Because she's going back.

Uh, what?

No, you're not.

I told you, Izzy, this was a mistake.

Whether it was the two of us or the three of us, this never should have happened.

Emma, could you just slow down, okay?

It's not like we're gonna throw a net over you.

Wait, wait.

What the three of us did here was special, and you're just gonna bounce?

Are you kidding me?

I'm happy in Seattle at Pinnacle with Kylie.

You guys make sense.

I'm the piece that doesn't fit.

♪ We did this together, all three of us.

Not just you.

But you're right.

It was a mistake.

See you Monday.

Yeah.

♪ Izzy?

If you walk out that door, don't call, don't text, and sure as f*ck don't think about dropping by.

You are dead to me.

♪

♪ Won't you tell me what's taking over? ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm trying to save and start a life ♪

♪ And I should be starting ♪

♪ But instead I'm going blind ♪

♪ But where we go again, running ♪

♪ Around this spinning globe ♪

[SOBBING]

♪ Emma?

Hey, Carm.

[SNIFFLES]

What exactly are you doing on my front porch?

Not much.

Crying, mostly.

Um...

- Jack and Izzy are...

- Oh, no.

No, no, no.

You do not get to show up here after four f*cking months and just pick this bullshit up like you never left.

Oh, Carm, I am begging you.

I am a disaster.

Please.

Uh, okay.

I'm gonna count to five, and then I'm gonna call the cops and say there's a skinny white woman kneeling on the porch of my mixed-race house.

Yeah, well, let's just wait for them to get here, and then we'll tell them I'm your best friend because cops love that.

Oh, didn't you hear?

I have a new best friend now, and she's way cooler than the old one.

Oh, is this Emma?

[GASPS]

Hi, Emma!

So, why is she kneeling?

Oh, yikes.

Never seen her like that.

Who... who are you?

Oh, I'm Hannah.

So, Carmen tells me that you were a late-onset lesbian.

That is so cool.

- I can't...

- It's... it's just so brave.

Carm!

Oh.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You weren't % sure it was over.

No.

But now I am.

Are we doing the thing?

The telepathy thing?

I believe so.

Here, try it.

What am I thinking?

How much you love me.

Oh.

[LAUGHS]

You're turn.

The same, I hope.

No.

I was thinking you should go get us some Indian food.

[LAUGHTER]

I'm kidding.

I was thinking the same thing.

Although now that I've said it, the Indian food concept seems pretty good.

Mm.

Thank you.

Are you serious?

I don't get any?

What is this, junior high?

Oh, no.

I'm sure we can give you a...

No, this is for work.

Hannah and I are reviewing a very nice Willamette Valley Syrah for "The Heights."

Okay, well, there is so little in that sentence

- that made sense to me.

- Gee, I wonder why.

Okay, ladies.

I am sensing some seriously complicated relationship dynamics here.

Emma, I need you to know I am not trying to poach your bestie.

Who is she?

Who are you again?

I'm Hannah.

H...

Hannah.

Paul got transferred to Dallas.

The Matherfields moved, and Hannah came into my life

- just when I needed her most.

- Aww.

And now we're starting a magazine together.

I mean, with my Internet following and Carmen's writing experience, the idea kinda came up with itself.

[LAUGHS]

Well, okay, that's right up in my personal space.

Carmen Mae Amari, from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul, I am so, so sorry for crawling so far up my own ass that all I could see was...

Your colon?

Look, I never should have pulled away like that, but everything here reminded me of everything else here.

Okay, just for scheduling purposes, how much longer are you gonna be holding my face?

Until you begin the process of forgiving me.

I can't stand it when you're mad at me.

I mean, I physically cannot stand it.

You're a d*ck.

Yeah, I'm a ginormous d*ck.

And I know it's gonna take you a while to forgive me, but...

Okay.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Oh, thank you.

I love you.

Oh.

Oh!

Okay.

So, this is happening.

Just let it happen.

She's a world-class hugger.

Mm.

When I spent a summer living in a lavra

- with Romanian hermits, I'd learned so...

- Hannah, I'm sure Carm's right and you are really cool and everything, but I'm gonna need you to disengage and give us a minute.

And by "give us a minute," I mean you got to go.

No offense.

I totally understand.

Oh.

Okay.

I love you.

Well, I'm very lovable.

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

What's wrong?

Remember when you said that I can't just drop in and dump throuple bullshit on you.

Yeah, you mean like minutes ago?

It seems longer.

So here's the thing.

I threw an octopus at Jack's head.

I had sex with him and Izzy.

Izzy said if I walked out the door, I was dead to her.

Which I obviously did because I am now standing here with you drinking wine like a huge d*ck.

But enough about me.

How are you?

Tell me about "The Heights."

Do you really get paid to drink wine?

Because that is awesome.

♪ Okay, so I'm still struggling, I don't know why, to understand.

You guys hadn't spoken in months, but then you pulled a quickie ménage, and why did anybody think that was a good idea?

Okay, you know that ridiculous movie thing where two people wake up staring at the ceiling like, how the hell did this happen?

You know, like they just got sucked up into a giant sex tornado?

Okay.

Yeah, okay, it is so real, even with three people.

But you're still getting divorced Monday and driving back to Seattle?

Yes.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey.

Look, Dave speaks to Jack all the time, right, so he'd know.

Jack and Izzy really are happy?

Yeah.

I mean, they're... they're good.

If that crazy throuple sh*t just woke you up in a life you didn't want anymore, then dragging it out would have only made things worse.

Are you sure that you left for the right reasons, and not just because you felt like Jack left you first?

[DOOR OPENS]

Wash that around for a little bit because I'm gonna have some words with Mr. Amari.

Hey, hon.

So, I start a business and ask for some support, and suddenly you're working on a Saturday, and you come home after the girls are fed and in bed?

I'm working on a pitch.

You know what that's like, right?

You guys, you know what?

I'm gonna take a tour around the old 'hood, see if everything really seems smaller, like they say.

Good to see you.

Sorry, Emma.

I can't talk to you.

Team Jack, no offense.

I get it.

[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]

So you seriously think I stayed at work late on a Saturday to piss you off?

Okay.

I seriously think that nobody leaves this room until we agree on a plan for the girls.

Well, it's a good thing we came up with a plan two years and nine months ago.

Wow.

That is some freaky ass sh*t.

What, that I know my daughter's age to the month?

How much you sound like your dad.

[LAUGHS]

That's not cool, okay?

I'm not like my dad.

Just in case I wasn't clear, I'm talking about your wildly misogynistic, but otherwise charming, Turkish father.

I am not like my father.

I am progressive and evolved and feminist A.F.

which I was recently told stands for "as f*ck."

Okay, here's the thing.

I'm not asking for permission.

Okay, I think I get what's happening here, all right?

Hannah's life seems all shiny and perfect with her after-school care and her imaginary husband, but I'm standing here all three-dimensional with actual opinions on my daughter's upbringing.

Now, I was under the impression that that's the way you liked it.

Nobody twisted your arm.

We came up with this together.

You think this has to do with Hannah?

This has nothing to do with Hannah, and I resent you being so reductive about my feelings.

Now, me and this amazing Syrah are gonna take a bath together, and you're gonna clean the kitchen.

[BABY CRYING]

Oh, bummer.

Good luck with that.

[CRYING CONTINUES]

♪ The hands we hold someday will turn to dust ♪

♪ Blow away when there's a chuckle with a gust ♪

♪ They can't touch the patterns of ♪

♪ The footprints that we leave ♪

♪ So in the moon sways waves, they crash ♪

♪ Your breath will waver, your memories will flash ♪

♪ All that ties will blanket you ♪

♪ Like mountains in the sea ♪

♪

♪ And your tears will disappear ♪

♪ Someday ♪

♪ Your tears will disappear ♪

♪ And your tears will disappear ♪

♪ Someday ♪

♪ Your tears will disappear ♪

♪

[ENGINE STARTS]

♪

I didn't know how you took it, so I brought you cream and sugar.

What's the idea here?

I'm walking you to school.

Well, I am walking myself to a meeting.

What you do is your call.

Free country and all that.

God, this is so weird.

♪

I'm sure you know why I wanted to see you today.

Yeah.

As you are my thesis advisor, I would assume that it has to...

Please tell me that you're making progress.

Oliver, how do I put this?

Um, I am in the "ironing out the details" phase.

I'm just, like, hacking through the tall grass of the, um...

I've had a lot going on lately.

Like last semester when you more or less went AWOL?

No, no, no.

This is... this is different.

My dad, who was dead, came back to life...

like Jesus.

Except my dad wasn't so much dead as he was "dead to me." Izzy, I know having a resurrection in the family must be very distracting.

See?

Thank you.

Yes, of course.

But writing and defending a thesis is grueling work.

You're behind on your TA duties recently, and you haven't even started community placement.

Are you sure this is still what you want?

It is.

It really, really is.

Great.

Well, no time like the present.

Let's reach out to a few of my contacts who might have a slot for you.

I mean, that's so cool and proactive, Oliver.

I mean, you're so good at your job.

But the thing is, is I had like a previous thing, and I'm gonna sit until you're done.

[SIGHS]

NINA: How was the meeting with Oliver?

Well, he went off on me.

Just like, no thesis topic, no community placement, worst TA ever, blah, blah, blah.

He's such a ball buster.

What have you been doing?

Okay, you really need to get your head out of your ass, sister.

Before you know it, you're gonna be , married with kids, and every time you have that second glass of Chard, you're gonna bore the living sh*t out of the neighbor chicks - with vows of some day finishing your PhD.

- I know, I know.

I'm actually on my way to my first meeting at Directions Youth Services.

It's a center for homeless teenagers.

You working at a soup kitchen for street kids?

I said youth center, not soup kitchen.

What's your point?

- f*ck soup.

They are gonna eat you alive.

- [SIGHS]

Jack and Emma signed the papers today.

It only took me six months, but I finally destroyed their marriage.

Bull f*ck.

Please use the more conventional "bullshit." Bull f*ck belongs in that sex dictionary with Cleveland steamer and dirty Sanchez.

Okay, look.

Here's the true postmortem on the Trakarsky marriage.

Desperate suburban married couple brings a young, mediocre-looking escort into their marriage only to discover that the real problem with their shitty sex life is that wifey's actually gay and doesn't want kids.

You were never the villain in this picture.

In the end, you guys all made your own choices.

Nobody got bull f*cked.

See?

That works.

Hmm, thanks.

♪ So let me tell you, I had a good idea ♪

♪ I was jacking around with my friend's guitar, and he was, all, "Bro, that's f*cking amazing."

Which is weird because, like, I've never taken a single lesson.

Um, check it.

[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING ON CELLPHONE]

Dude, that's something special right there.

Huh?

You know?

Don't let anyone tell you different.

Hmm?

See?

Crazy, right?

Yeah, crazy.

Anyway, um, after you swiped right and said you were "way up into my ass," you left everything else up to me.

Date, time, place, all of it.

Why is that?

What's your point, Nana?

It's Nina, you imbecile.

Nana means grandma.

Why would anybody name their child Nana?

[LAUGHS]

Nana, that's awesome.

God, what is wrong with your entire generation of men?

Should I just date grateful widowers and leave you goofy twats to your vintage bicycles, multimedia projects, and ridiculous hats?

Mm, mm, mm.

What the f*ck was that?

Oh, I know.

Maybe some fleeting curiosity about me, like what I do or what I'm into or anything about me.

Well, actually, I just wrote an entire song about this experience.

Let's get you out of here before...

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Whoa, wow.

... before something worse happens.

- Wow.

- Yeah, okay, off you go.

Wow.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, take care.

Don't deprive the world.

Oh, he's Snapchatting.

And here is where they check their e-mail, Facebook, et cetera.

We help them with résumés, job applications, doctors appointments, that kind of thing.

If anyone's looking for an open shelter bed, or you ever have a question, just grab one of us.

Okay.

Actually, I do just have one question.

What do I do in the meantime?

Hang out.

Get to know them.

You'll be fine.

[LAUGHTER]

GIRL: Check it out.

New counselor, comin' in hot!

Hey!

White guilt.

How's it going?

What are you even doing?

I'm hiding.

[DOOR OPENS, SHUTS]

Hey.

- Okay.

- What?

You don't want to?

Oh, I definitely want to.

But first we're gonna talk about what you just went through because that's what people do when they're in a loving, committed relationship, yeah?

Yeah.

Scotch?

Big yeah.

What?

- What?

- Nothing.

So that's three consecutive guys that left cartoon vapor trails trying to get away from me.

Well, you did basically call them all pointless d*ck bags, so I mean...

If I have to listen to one more millennial talk about the things that he's barely doing, I'm gonna...

[IMITATES g*nsh*t]

Okay, you know, they're just...

They're rifling through things that they're into, hoping that maybe something interests you, too.

And expect you to dive in whenever, you know, not wait for an invitation.

Dudes, they get... they get crazy anxious when they're sitting across from a beautiful woman.

Are you anxious right now?

I'm always anxious around you.

I don't know.

Maybe Andy was right, what he said to me when we broke up.

Why, what'd he say?

"It's not me, it's you."

- f*ck.

- Yeah.

- That had to leave a mark.

- Yeah.

Things were...

they were really shitty the last couple of weeks.

Huh.

Well, I will say this about you, Nana.

You are...

uniquely and completely you.

How is that not just a nicer version of what the fucker said?

It's different because...

because I wouldn't change a thing.

♪ Way to k*ll a conversation.

Yeah, it's a gift of mine.

Hi.

Hey.

I'm digging the morning 'do.

Pretty sure a team of deranged psycho stylists sneaks in and fucks with my hair every night.

What's wrong?

I recently got divorced.

I heard.

So, why do I still feel like the luckiest guy on the planet?

[LAUGHS]

I can get used to being looked at like that every morning.

Okay.

Izzy.

Hmm?

From the moment I opened that hotel room door and saw you for the very first time...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you about to propose to me right now?

What?

No.

I just got divorced a few days ago.

Okay.

- But if I...

- Just, just don't.

- Just don't?

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, maybe I'm not the luckiest guy in the world.

I'm a cautionary tale about the dangers of polyamory.

No, no, no.

You are the luckiest man in the world.

[LAUGHS]

We just need to...

slow the f*ck down, just a little bit.

Yeah?

Just give it some air before we start sprinting down aisles, popping out babies.

Both of which I am totally into.

And you.

- I'm very into you.

- Oh?

You even know how babies are made?

Mm.

I think I might have missed that class.

Will you teach me, Doctor?

[LAUGHS]

Pay very close attention.

Ooh, Doctor.

Well, congratulations.

You're pregnant.

You have got to be f*cking kidding me.

♪ I try to stick around ♪

♪ I want to multiply ♪

♪ The only reason why I won't go stagnant ♪

♪ Shaken left and right, growing inside ♪

♪ To the b*at, to the love, to the crush ♪

♪ So it's time to say goodbye ♪

♪ How we never stuck anyway ♪

♪ Was a good try, good try ♪

♪ But not to myself ♪

♪ Fill my head ♪

♪ Mmm, mm, mm ♪

♪ Changing, changing, changing ♪