03x06 - Fool Me Once? Shame on You. Fool Me Twice? Blow Me

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Well, congratulations.

You're pregnant.

You've gotta be f*cking kidding me.

- You have a right to know.

- "The Myth of Polyfidelity."

- Great premise.

- Don't have an abortion.

Can you at least... think about it?

Why is she here again?

She was at a meeting.

So why is my spidey sense screaming that something weird's going down?

- [EXHALES]

- IZZY: No family at all?

No.

Well, other than my grandma, but we haven't talked in years,

- And she is nuts.

- I think we've come up with the real question of your thesis.

What's the real question of my thesis?

"What is wrong with me?"

f*ck you and your latest annoying attempt at bartender wisdom.

You can't talk to me like that.

Uh, okay.

So however it's gonna be between us is not gonna be like that.

- Wait, you're serious?

- Yeah, I'm serious.

Wanna meet my dad?

Em, what really matters is, what do you want?

I want this baby.

And I want my husband and Izzy.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

Yellow roses, the official flower of apology.

Iz, would you please just hear me out?

- Who was that?

- It was just some lost chick.

♪ I'm keeping it.

IZZY: Hey, Jack?

Hey.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

- What the f*ck?

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

Iz, take a breath, okay?

I mean, lots of people are cordial with their exes, right?

- Can't we just be friends?

- Mm, hard pass.

Fool me once, shame on me.

Fool me twice...

blow me.

Iz, Izzy, if you could give me just five minutes of your time, possibly with eye contact, I swear, I'll walk out that door and you will never see me again, if that's what you want.

I say we hear her out.

[BOTTLE CAP POPS]

[OPENER CLANKS]

[BOTTLE CAP CLATTERS]

You can talk until I finish this beer.

Thank you.

Um...

It's a good beer.

Talk fast.

Okay, I, um...

Um...

I just...

Jack could you possibly put on some pants?

- It's...

it's a bit distracting.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

No.

Don't listen to her.

This is your home.

Okay, but what if I actually wanna put on pants?

- Well, then that's fine.

- [WHISPERS]

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Izzy, I am so, so sorry.

- Boring.

- No, you're right.

You're right.

It's lazy just repeating myself over and over again.

- I'm living the lesbian dream up there, okay?

- That's nice.

We've got a th floor view of the Space Needle.

One call gets us into any restaurant with a -month waiting list.

I mean, I am not bragging, but Kylie and I are pretty much the Portia and Ellen of Seattle.

- [COUGHS]

- How is that not bragging?

Having any second thoughts about letting her in?

No, no, no, no, no.

Guys, that was just the set up.

Here's the payoff.

It was so much easier than this, than us.

But that doesn't make it real.

I'm in love with the two of you.

Jack, Izzy...

I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy,

- and another girl...

- Dear god, make it stop.

Look, if I had a time machine, I would go back and I would just ask for a b*at so I could get my head around this concept of us

- having a baby together, but I just...

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry.

Is your ex standing in our home, blaming us for pushing her?

That's her pitch?

Buh-bye, golden nectar.

- Ahh.

- [BOTTLE THUDS]

That was very brave, Em.

- Thank you.

- I mean, I only heard parts of it 'cause I got super bored during the braggy bits.

But we really need to get going, so...

- Jack.

- Yes?

Could you please let your ex-wife out?

That beer went right through me.

So when did you come to this?

When did I come to this?

When did I grow the balls to admit it to myself?

'Cause they're separated by roughly five months.

♪ ♪

[INHALES DEEPLY, EXHALES SLOWLY]

I... got the girls fed.

Thank you.

You know, I...

I don't wanna get a divorce and move to Seattle to be a lesbian.

Neither do I.

o we have that in common.

- But...

- Damn your "buts." This is happening, Dave.

I'm gonna be putting more time in the magazine, and we need to come up with a plan.

Okay, now promise you won't get mad?

- Okay?

- Okay, now, see the point of the initial plan was...

Hang on.

Just give it a second, okay?

The point of the initial plan was for our girls to have at least three years before they were living their lives on someone else's schedule.

- That's true.

But...

- All right?

Now, I made a little bit more money than you.

Because you have a penis.

I think it was about seniority more than genitalia.

- But I'm just a man.

What do I know?

- It's a little bit of both.

Go on.

Right.

So, you wanted to stay at home.

- This was a...

a mutual decision.

- Yes.

That's right.

Now that I've gotten to know the tiny women that we made, I am terrified of even the slightest f*ck up leading them down a path to becoming assh*le mean girls who post their brunches on Instagram with the peace sign and the duck lips and the #blessed.

"#blessed"?

God doesn't care about brunch.

I just saw it in my head.

They are assholes wearing gigantic sunglasses.

But...

but for what it's worth, they are very pretty, so there's that.

Yeah, this is...

My parents were strict and very old-fashioned.

But I knew that I mattered more to them than anything in the world.

I would like our girls to know that, too.

[TRENT DABBS AND AMY STROUP'S "LOVE YOU GOOD" PLAYING]

♪ ♪ One look ♪

What?

♪ Was all it took ♪

Mm.

♪ Mmm.

♪ One look ♪

You're an incredible man.

And our girls are gonna have a hard time finding somebody because they'll be measuring everybody to you.

♪ And you are the dopest mom.

♪ Yeah.

And they're gonna know that, too.

They're gonna know all about that, your dopeness.

Yeah, see, that's the thing.

I want them to know about my dopeness, but I want them to see that I'm...

I'm winning at life., that I'm f*ring on all cylinders.

And I...

I want them to know that they can be the dopest moms and be the dopest women all at the same time.

And I guess I just...

I...

I really...

need to show myself that, too.

♪ That we need is here ♪

♪ Then tell me how to love you good ♪

♪ - No.

- Izzy, come on.

Just so you know, I am officially way past believing that Emma's mysterious return was ever about a sudden business meeting.

What makes you say that?

She was wearing the same yoga pants and slippers, Sherlock.

- Was she?

I didn't even notice that.

That's weird.

- Come here.

Look at me in the eye.

[SIGHS]

No, that is a random spot over my shoulder.

There you go.

Did you know that she wanted back in?

Was that what you were talking about on campus?

No.

I found out the exact same time you did.

I swear.

Okay.

Well, now that you do know, where do you stand?

I'm with you.

Okay?

On this and everything else.

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

Not bad.

So what about you?

I know it's a lot to digest all at once,

- but she seemed really...

- I could never trust her.

And I would be beyond disappointed if you could.

I feel you.

- You feel me?

- Yeah.

Yes, I mean, like, I...

heard you, I acknowledge it, I understand what you said.

Okay.

Way to go out on the limb.

Come on.

We're gonna be late.

There.

♪ Okay, will you please stop that?

- Stop what?

- Stop not being goofy.

Oh.

I'm sorry, Neen.

How can I amuse you, as that's my sole purpose in this life?

I already apologized.

Did you?

♪ Hey, look.

I'm sorry for the way that I spoke to you.

♪ And I wanna hear you say that...

- I'm your superior.

- [LAUGHS]

I'm not...

♪ Oh.

[SIGHS]

Oh, f*ck.

Fine.

f*ck, f*ck.

[SIGHS]

And you're my...

♪ [CLENCHED TEETH]

superior.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Ha ha ha.

I'm gonna leave before this gets fun.

No.

For the record, I'm also your "Mr. Right There in Front of You."

[BOTTLES CLINKING]

What the f*ck is that?

Like in rom-coms.

The one who's always there if you just take the time to notice.

[FORCED LAUGH]

Yeah, no, but nice try.

- Well, no.

It's...

it's true.

- Okay, look, you're a lot of things, including ginger-ish and intermittently ruddy,

- but you are definitely not my...

- Mr. Right There in Front of You.

And here's the beautiful twist...

the more that you deny it, the more that you're just proving my point.

What's that?

Was there something you wanted to...

to add to that?

You wanna say something?

No?

Cool, then I'm gonna take that as a tacit agreement.

- Mm.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Mm.

- Mm.

Huh?

Come on.

I've earned it.

Don't leave me hanging.

Just...

You just ruined the moment.

Ah!

♪ So, Ben,

- been sober for a year now?

- Mm-hmm.

How often do you go to meetings?

[LAUGHS]

Okay, I get it.

I'm the one under

- the swinging bulb here.

- No.

I...

I go to at least three meetings a week.

Lately, I've been going to more.

Why is that?

Well, it's been an especially emotional time.

♪ What made you finally stop drinking?

Uh, well, I came really close to drowning in my own vomit.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, and, uh, when I...

when I finally, uh, when I finally dragged myself up off the linoleum, I looked in the mirror and I realized that I didn't have a single reason left to stay alive.

♪ So I decided to find one.

♪ My turn.

So, uh, you're...

you're divorced, yeah?

It's all legal and everything?

There's no, uh, little threads left between you two?

Is it just me or is it getting, like, weirdly possessive and patriarchal in here?

- Why don't we just, um...

- I can honestly say that...

- Okay.

- ... Emma and I are entirely, completely, and legally divorced.

Why are you talking like you're on the wrong side of a Senate hearing?

I'm not.

- You love her?

- Emma?

- My daughter.

- Oh, uh...

[CHUCKLES]

Well...

[SIGHS]

when Emma and I met...

Oh, hey, remember seconds ago when my dad clarified

- that he was asking about me?

- ... I felt the Earth move.

Okay, not loving this story.

Honey hear me out.

[CHUCKLES]

And I thought it was the type of thing

- that was only gonna happen once in a lifetime.

- Mm.

Until I met your daughter.

And I'll be damned if it didn't happen again.

Except this time, it was more like an earthquake.

[LAUGHS]

When I opened that hotel room door for the first time...

- E...

excuse me?

- Pardon?

Hmm?

Yeah, you...

you said you fell for Izzy the first time you saw her, when you opened the hotel room door?

- Maybe a little clarification on...

- Yeah, no,

- I'm realizing now it sounded like I meant...

- Mnh-mnh.

I saw her for the first time when I opened the hotel room door.

- [LAUGHS]

- Yeah, no, that's...

- [LAUGHS]

Yeah, no, it did...

- Yeah.

it did sound like that because that's exactly what you said.

True.

Yes, um...

Well, that's because...

- Tell him.

Yeah.

- Yeah, should I?

I mean, you don't know every detail, right?

I know them all.

But I...

Yeah.

Um, I'm at a hotel.

- Mm-hmm.

- Right?

- Yeah.

- Like I said, open the door, right, to start my day, like as one does.

- Mm-hmm.

- Right?

Lo and behold...

Uh, Izzy is there.

- 'Cause...

because...

- Izzy was...

... a housekeeper.

- A what?

- I was...

I was a...

I was a housekeeper.

- Housekeeper, yes.

- Yeah.

- You weren't.

- Tell the story, honey.

- Right.

Cool.

- Mm-hmm.

Uh, I was a housekeeper...

- Yeah.

- ... for, like, a hot minute at the Carlyle.

- The hotel.

- The Carlyle.

- Carlyle Hotel.

Mm-hmm.

- Mm.

Um...

She tells the story better than I do.

So go ahead, honey.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

Uh, yeah, so, I'm...

I knocked on room - ...

- .

- to offer...

- We'll never forget that.

To offer turndown service.

- And...

- Yeah.

She was wearing, like, a cute little outfit.

- I wasn't.

I wasn't.

- No?

- No.

- [GRUNTS]

- My dad.

- Well, who was that then?

- [LAUGHS]

I'm joking.

- He's kidding.

No, there was no outfit at...

Well, you were wearing something.

Yeah.

And, uh, that's our story.

- Mm-hmm.

- You know, classic...

- Mm-hmm.

- ... classic, uh, tale.

Yeah.

I mean, we're gonna be telling that story

- for the rest of our lives.

Mm.

- Can't wait.

♪ One of you cowboys gonna blink soon, or should I just wait at the bar?

Thanks for dinner, Jack.

You didn't have to do that.

Your money's no good in my town.

[CHUCKLES]

I've always wanted to say that.

I'm sure it's perfectly good both here and abroad.

Okay, why don't we just move on so...

they can mop up the testosterone, okay?

- Mmm.

- IZZY: Bye.

- You did good.

- Thank you.

♪ - Bye.

- Bye.

♪ - [DOOR CLOSES]

- [SIGHS DEEPLY]

♪ Hey.

Oh!

Hey!

What's up, girl?

"Hey"?

You seriously had the balls to lead with "Hey"?

I had to tell him.

He had a right to know after everything we've been through.

Great.

You told him.

So why aren't you at home with me?

Why are you still...

Where are you?

I'm at my friend Carmen's house.

Why?

Emma, what the f*ck is going on?

I'm keeping the baby, Kylie.

Please say something.

Say something?

Oh, absolutely.

Here it is.

- f*ck you.

- Ky...

- [CALL DISCONNECTS]

- f*ck!

- [SIGHS]

Oh, my god.

- CARMEN: So, hey, hi.

- EMMA: Hi.

- Here's the thing.

We're working super hard to not say that word anywhere near Callie, who's already devised an alarming variety of every day public application.

Okay.

Was that Kylie?

[SIGHS]

It's hard to say who hates me more, her or Izzy.

I mean, but that's what happens to horrible people, right?

Everyone hates them, and they die alone?

You're not horrible, Em.

Thanks, but, I think...

Sharks are scary as sh*t, right?

But are they really horrible?

Doesn't that imply malicious intent?

Sharks just swim around, living their lives, and a bloody trail of horrific carnage is collateral damage.

They didn't mean to do anything.

It just happened.

[LAUGHING]

Stop it.

[SNORTS]

[SIGHS]

I have f*cked up my life so badly.

I know, hon.

I've watched most of it from my bedroom window.

What should I do?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

I don't know.

All I got is this.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Remember when Jack and I were only weird because we didn't have kids?

Not really.

Oh!

♪ You did what?

I spoke to your grandmother's counselor, and she's been on her meds and stable for a few years now.

I did not say that you could do that.

I don't give a f*ck about her.

But she gives a major f*ck about you.

You talked to her?

What happened to not playing savior?

I hear you, but what's done is done.

So if you could just ease it back a little and let me talk for one minute, and then, if you still wanna break a pool cue over my head, I will hold perfectly still.

Okay?

[JAI FREEDOM LEWIS AND KEVIN SKAGGS' "WHISPERS" PLAYING]

♪ [SIGHS]

She works at PetSmart.

She...

[SIGHS]

She has a nice little apartment on Jervis.

And her eyes lit up like a -watt bulb when I said your name.

And look, I don't claim to know the woman.

But if what her doctor said is true, then maybe she really has changed.

She asked if you'd want to go for coffee with her.

- That's easy...

- No.

Just no?

[INHALES DEEPLY]

The woman b*rned my f*cking clothes.

What?

Why?

She was concerned they might be flammable.

[LAUGHS]

That's not funny.

Okay.

How 'bout I go with you?

minutes, just check it out?

Please?

♪ - [INHALES DEEPLY]

God, fine.

- [EXHALES DEEPLY]

Yay.

Okay, but you seriously have to be there.

I will, I promise.

And you have to let me do the acrylics, any design I want.

Okay.

♪ [SIGHS]

You're gonna make me look really stupid, aren't you?

Oh, yeah.

- Ooh.

- Wow.

- CARMEN: Oh, oh, oh, oh!

- Wow!

Look at that!

Look how it just dissolves

- to the entertainment section?

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Uh, come in, Alex!

No, right.

He can only hear your voice.

- Come in, Alex!

- [DOOR OPENS]

- [DOOR CLOSES]

- CARMEN: Wow.

I was joking.

Mm.

- [THUD]

- HANNAH: Whoa!

I mean, I could tell that was heavy by the way your pecs...

by the sound it made when it landed.

[HANNAH CLEARS THROAT]

[HUMS]

He has a jackknife.

He's a -year-old man who carries a jackknife.

[SIGHS]

My favorite part of the job.

[CHUCKLES]

- There you go.

- Ohh.

And that's for you.

Oh, this is beautiful.

There it is.

That's the look.

Oh, you did good, Alex.

Mmm.

- You did good, Alex.

- Thanks.

Un-f*cking-real!

- HANNAH: [CHUCKLES]

Mmm.

- [SNAPS FINGERS]

Damn.

And then he did that.

- [DOOR OPENS]

- [LAUGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

So is this crush going both ways now or what?

Oh, I'm just playing, just pawing him back and forth a little.

- Mm.

- What?

Seriously, how much longer is Rob gonna be gone?

[LAUGHS, CLEARS THROAT]

Mm.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

- Is everything okay?

- Yeah.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

What are you doing?

What?

We have to celebrate.

You, me, Emma, who else?

♪ What?

What's that look?

Oh, you want strippers.

Yeah, I'm cool with strippers.

I'll just send the boys off to a sleepover.

Better than strippers.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Hookers.

Ooh.

You're a bad, bad mama, Carmen Amari.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Just two seconds.

Homework?

It's not actually called that after high school.

It's my thesis.

Yeah, and what's the title again?

- I know you told me, but...

- "The Myth of Polyfidelity." ♪

[SIGHS]

What?

Write what you know?

Is that why you wanted to meet?

'Cause you think you're on to something?

You were never a housekeeper at the Carlyle.

How would you know?

Wait, did you actually call them?

Don't need to now.

Oh, my God.

You...

you chose the...

the thesis subject of polyamory, which admittedly, I had to look up.

That is circumstantial at best.

And then, last night, the two of you were both lying your asses off about how you met.

- N...

no.

- No, you...

All right, you don't need to tell me if you don't want to.

You were straight with me.

[CLEARS THROAT]

We were together.

Me, Jack, and Emma.

♪ And I loved them both very much, and they loved me.

And I know this sounds crazy, but nothing in my life had ever felt that right.

And I had never been happier, or...

f*cking sadder.

But then she left us 'cause that's how these things always end, so...

At least I got a thesis out of it, right?

♪

[SIGHS]

♪

That's it?

You're just gonna, like, nod like this?

Jack did this.

What?

No.

Yeah, he made you their plaything.

And then he decided that he preferred the newer model and chased his wife away.

[LAUGHS]

That's not even true.

If any one of us started it, it was me.

I met him, and then I met her, and then I showed up at their house.

Oh, god.

Then this is my fault, just like the drinking.

I am not you.

Okay?

I am a fully formed free-standing adult.

That's bullshit.

You are exactly me before I got straight.

Which means I know what you need to do.

I swear to god, if you finish that f*cking sentence...

- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES]

- Just...

[TOUCHSCREEN CLICKS]

[SIGHS]

What is it?

Apparently, I'm going to an impromptu soirée in Hawthorne Heights.

Good times.

Where I'm gonna propose to Jack.

Oh, Jesus, Izzy.

- Don't do something stupid just...

- No, honestly, all you have to worry about is whether or not you can handle it.

If you wanna f*cking bail, f*cking bail 'cause I know what that looks like.

[LIMBLIFTER'S "ARIEL VS. LOTUS" PLAYING]

IZZY: You're absolutely sure that Emma left, right?

%.

[CHUCKLES]

That's what Carmen said so, no reason for me to question it.

I didn't put a GPS tracker on her, so...

No, not absolutely sure, but...

Yeah.

She's going, going, gone-zo.

♪ ♪ While it's eating ♪

What?

- Why are you acting weird?

- I'm not.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪ This is the cure ♪

Maybe I'm just repressing.

[SIGHS]

- You're repressing?

- Yeah.

It means when you, like, kind of push things down.

No, I know.

I know what it means.

- Yeah.

- So what feelings are you repressing?

All of them.

- All of them?

- Yeah.

♪ Now ♪ Honey, what kind of seeds are these?

- What am I looking at here?

- CARMEN: Uh, caraway.

Caraway?

Why are you buying this stuff?

- It tastes good.

- Hello, hello.

Hello.

- DAVE: Hey, hey.

There they are.

- IZZY: Hello.

- Hi.

- There they are!

- Why did you say it like that?

- Hi, I'm Izzy.

- Hi, I'm Hannah.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Jack.

- IZZY: Congrats on the...

- JACK: Yeah.

- Oh.

Thank...

thank you.

Hey, sweetie, come on.

Come on.

Ah.

There's another neighborhood function h*jacked by polygamists.

- My god, what is Emma doing...

- You were in on this?

Yeah.

So the runaway wife returns again and again.

- I was wondering if...

- Which way's north?

♪ Look, can we do this somewhere private?

Mm, better yet.

How 'bout we just take this outside?

And just to be clear, I am threatening to kick your ass.

- Oh, my god.

- Ow.

- I'm sorry.

- [GLASS THUDS]

- Good start.

Want a drink?

- Uh, yes.

Thanks.

DAVE: So can you eat...

can you eat this food that comes...

It's very, uh...

♪

- IZZY: Okay.

- Bring back any memories?

You and me in a bathroom, music playing?

Uh, no.

Doesn't ring a bell.

What part of "stay the f*ck away" do you not understand?

You're angry.

You're angry, which means you care.

I am painfully aware that I am using rage to suppress feelings of heartbreak and abandonment, okay, but it's working.

Oh, uh, I'm proposing to Jack tonight.

- Izzy.

Iz!

- So I'm happy that you...

- What?!

- I'm pregnant.

♪ And I'm keeping it.

♪ ♪ So much more than that ♪

Six weeks, so...

♪ He knows, doesn't he?

♪ I don't know if I'd say that he...

- Fine, he...

- IZZY: Jack!

Oh, god.

♪ Yeah!

♪ ♪ Expect the unexpected ♪

♪ Yeah!

♪ ♪ Anticipated ♪

♪ Anticipated greater things ♪

♪ Yeah!

♪ ♪ Greater things ♪

♪ Greater things ♪

♪ Greater things ♪ ♪