03x09 - assh*le, Other assh*le, and the Depressive Muppet

[bunniefuu]

What if you really are Mr.

Right There in Front of Me?

Previously on You Me Her...

Hey.

Can I talk to you privately?

Uhh!

- Emma, what the f*ck is going on?

- I'm keeping the baby, Kylie.

- f*ck you.

- I just want you to know what I said that night...

- "It's not me, it's you?" - Yeah.

There's nothing wrong with you.

You are perfectly Nina Martone.

I already work insane hours at Pinnacle, and if I make partner, it's gonna be even worse, so...

I was assuming you were coming home, not coming to get us.

My rate is $ an hour, minimum five hours per day, five days per week.

- We can start looking at daycares.

- Thank you.

- f*ck!

- What?

[SIGHS]

I forgot about my meeting with Sasha and her grandma.

It is only a matter of time before those two gravitate back to the world that they know.

How long are you gonna live their life instead of your own?

Hey, the Wilbergs are putting their place on the market.

- [CARMEN]

You wanna check it out?

- What's the harm in that?

- Are you looking for the party?

- I'm looking for my girlfriend.

[JACK]

God, I love that house.

[DAVE]

What's not to love?

I'd move there.

Well, f*ck.

How long do you think they can keep this up?

I hate that I still find this sh*t show so damn riveting.

I've surrendered to the shame.

I want to walk away, but my body is just not listening to my brain.

Well, here they are, the Trakarskys, back on the block.

- No, I...

I wouldn't...

- No, no, no.

We're not back on the block.

We were just next door, visiting...

So I didn't just catch you guys house shopping?

[EMMA]

What?

No!

You're gonna laugh 'cause this is a real, like, uh...

- Funny story.

- ... you know, Hawthorne Heights story.

We were at Helen Wilberg's house.

Turns out she's a virtuoso baker...

- [CHUCKLES]

- Uh, yeah.

... who is opening her own shop, and wanted us...

- ... to try her... cupcakes.

- We test them.

- Remember?

- Yes.

- Yes.

- Yes, I remember.

It just happened, of course you remember.

And it was...

They were delicious, right?

- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

- Tell her.

I mean, they were like...

Mwah.

They were...

It's hard to explain.

- Are you kidding?

- Props for the weird specificity and going all in with the "mwah." But you lie just as bad as your ex.

Sometimes they're so bad at lying, it's adorable.

Other times, not so much.

- No, seriously, they were delicious.

- Really...

Highly inventive use of the, uh, cranberry and the Brandy.

- I was gonna mention that, yes.

- Brandy.

And...

Well!

Look at...

Oh, my God!

- They're selling the house.

- Babe.

Babe.

Just...

Why didn't Helen mention that to us when she was baking the cupcakes?

Just let it go.

Let it go.

So it's official.

[KYLIE]

Greg Kinnear's weird little brother knocks you up, - and I'm history?

- Okay, that is offensive...

and flattering.

Kylie, I...

I don't know where to start. I'd recommend starting like this: "My name is Emma, and I'm a tourist lesbian assh*le who just wasted five months of your life." - Kylie, we created the most...

- [WHISPERS]

Shaun, come on.

... amazing life together and it really almost felt like it could be real.

But if I'm completely honest with myself, I am in love with these two.

- I really hope...

- Oh, stop.

Please, just stop.

Way deep down, I knew that you were just dragging me through your elaborate mental breakdown.

Kylie, you're right.

And I'm really sorry.

I didn't just come here to fight for you, Em.

You becoming managing partner just stopped being a "someday" kinda thing, babe.

Carlin's announcing his retirement and his successor sooner than expected.

- Like how much sooner?

- Like Tuesday.

Only way you don't get it is if you're not there.

I have no clue why, but I don't wanna see that happen.

Whoops!

[CHUCKLES]

Things just got a little more complicated, huh?

So...

Andy.

- Yep.

He's back.

- Crazy.

- Bananas.

- All the...

fruits.

[SOFT ROCK SONG PLAYING]

Are you gonna keep seeing him?

Or...

I...

I...

I don't know.

Well, he did go crazy over me.

[SHAUN SCOFFS]

I mean, he got drunk and then he moved to the woods for a couple weeks.

I could go way crazier than that.

Certifiable, you know.

I'm not an idiot, Nin.

I mean, I...

I know I'm not your dream guy.

That's not true.

Actually, I had a sex dream about you.

- Is that right?

- Mm-hmm.

Oh, well... do tell.

All I remember is, um, waking up screaming in a cold sweat.

Yeah, that's called a nightmare.

- Oh, right.

Sorry.

- Yeah...

[MUTTERS]

Whenever I'm with you, I always end up smiling.

And...

I'm...

I'm starting to think that maybe that's more important than it sounds.

That being said, I need a minute.

Oh.

Totally.

I understand.

Yeah, that... that's fair.

- ...

- [SIGHS]

...

...

...

[LID CLATTERS]

[DISH THUDS]

Shall we sum up?

Uh, could I have some coffee first?

Okay.

So Emma left us to start a new life in Seattle, came back, and the three of us had...

objectively transcendent sex.

Would you agree?

- Yes, it was very nice sex.

- Agreed.

And then she left again.

Would you like some strawberries?

Yes, please.

Six weeks later, she finds out she's miraculously pregnant, comes all the way back to Seattle on the midnight train, and then has an epiphany that she still loves us and does indeed want to have a baby.

Okay, just to be clear, I'm the prick in this story?

- Just this chapter.

Seems to rotate.

- Oh.

And then I catch the two of you, blissful and beaming after checking out a house that is so quintessentially Hawthorne Heights, it somehow smells like pumpkin spice from the f*ckin' street.

Iz, what's your point?

Here it comes.

Look at me...

in the eye.

Have you already made up your mind about raising that baby in this loft?

Me?

Yeah, you.

For the record, I never voted yes on this place, so...

So you hate it?

No, I love it.

Are you kidding me?

I've always dreamt of living in a...

- industrial loft like this.

- Really?

Yeah, and then I got pregnant and realized there was no way in hell this brick racquetball court makes any sense for a baby.

[SCOFFS]

I mean, f*ck, you're right.

We'd have to learn sign language just to have a conversation while the gnocchi's sleeping.

Here's the thing.

If we just...

If you just gave the Wilberg house a chance, if you saw the inside of it, it's, like, it's pretty...

Look, guys, there's no denying this is complicated, but we'll figure it out, okay?

Together.

We'll figure it out together.

- Whatever.

Fine.

- Like everything else.

- Okay?

- Okay?

- Bring it in.

- [LAUGHS]

- [KISSES]

- Okay.

- Get your big Trakarsky lips off my face.

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES, BEEPS]

What is it?

- [CELLPHONE THUDS]

- Just my dad.

[EMMA]

And...

He keeps trying to give me the boots he doesn't remember giving me for my th birthday.

Seems like it really means something to him.

They were Wittner.

- Probably super f*cking fly, right?

- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

I'll go talk to him.

Enjoy your breakfast.

- Bye, babes.

- Bye.

[FRONT DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

You know what sounds good?

A pineapple and salmon pizza.

- Ugh.

- Mm-hmm.

- For breakfast?

- Mm-hmm.

We really are pregnant, Em.

Yes, we are.

♪ So let's take tonight ♪

♪ Ooh, my little one ♪

[LILY COOS]

Hey!

There you are!

Our young girls are off to first day of daycare.

And it's all good.

It's...

it's no big deal.

- It's... it's totally fine.

- Are you sure?

Aren't these little backpacks adorable?

They make these teensy, tiny, little backpacks to give to parents who rush their teensy, tiny kids off to...

the care of complete strangers.

Carmen.

It just seems like yesterday that we were finally wiping the last of the baby goop off of Lily.

And Callie...

I mean, she says the F word better and more frequently than either of us.

And they're just...

...

super weird in their...

[EXHALES]

... amazing incredible ways that nobody else could possibly understand.

And I thought that you were dropping them off.

Why are you wearing pajamas?

I was just lying down upstairs, having a little think...

Oh, Jesus, you were upstairs masturbating while I'm down here losing my sh*t?

No, I was literally in bed, having a think this time.

About?

Well, my boss certainly didn't seem supportive when I said I wanted to take a month off to write a children's book.

I didn't know you wanted to write a children's book.

I don't.

I can barely stand to read them, but that's kind of the point.

You know, I don't wanna be thinking that I should've done more.

- I heard that's a thing.

- No, Dave...

you couldn't be a better father, trust me.

Yeah, but I could be a father more, and that's what I want.

So while I was upstairs not masturbating, I called work and I said I'm either taking a month off or I'm quitting.

- And?

- Well...

Looks like I'll be spending a month's sabbatical diligently not writing a children's book.

And then what?

I don't know.

And that's surprisingly exciting.

[KIDS COOING AND GIGGLING]

Whenever I think I know all there is to know about you, you show me more.

And I love it all.

[CALLIE GIGGLING]

I realize I could've cleaned myself up a little bit before I came down here to tell you this exciting news.

But, um, I'm definitely...

I've got sleep crusties, for sure.

I mean, I'm in my jimjams, for Pete's sake.

♪ Oh, airborne eyes ♪

[CALLIE]

f*ck!

♪ Yeah, will see black storms ♪

- Yeah, that's much worse in this context.

- I didn't hear anything.

Yeah, I think it was the wind.

[CALLIE GIGGLING]

- Mmm.

- Mmm.

[SEABIRDS CALLING]

[PAPER CRINKLING]

- If you don't like the color or...

- They're perfect.

They're just boots.

Happy birthday, Peanut.

What is it?

Emma's about to get a huge promotion at her firm in Seattle.

It's, like, her dream job.

The money's crazy.

And we just got back together, but she has to consider it, right?

It's fine.

Go...

go ahead.

Well, you're right.

She does have to consider it.

And she will.

And they'll invite you to Seattle to live in their house with their baby and keep living their life.

[BIRDS CALLING]

Any advice or...

Say no.

They're not gonna do it, Iz.

This is on you.

But I have a confession.

Oh, God.

What else did you do during your -year lost weekend?

[LAUGHS]

I have a line on a good job here in Portland, so, uh...

I'm not entirely impartial about where you live.

[PAPER CRINKLES]

[SIGHS]

I get it.

Change is scary.

I mean, this is new for all of us, right?

Myself included.

I mean, stakes are gonna be part of the process.

I shouldn't have raised my voice.

I shouldn't have yelled.

That is a sign of weakness and not a sign of strength.

I can't demand your respect.

I have to earn it with calm and confidence.

Also, if you could refrain from throwing food in Daddy's hair, that would be really nice, because a bit of that went in my eye, and that is a legitimate safety hazard.

Daddy's head is made of poop.

What?

Uh, no.

No, for...

for Lily's sake, honey, Daddy's head is made of skull and bone and hair and teeth, right?

- Not poop.

There's no poop.

- [CALLIE]

Poop!

- [GIGGLING]

- Say my head's not made of poop!

Say my head's not made of poop!

Say it!

Say it!

Say it!

[HANNAH SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, DOOR CLOSES]

[THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH]

People are here.

- Wasn't expecting people yet.

- Me neither.

They're looking at us.

What do we do now?

Be calm and be confident.

Cool.

And how do we fake that?

Uh, talk low, make 'em strain to listen.

[LOWERED VOICE]

Cool.

So I appreciate you all coming here - on this first day, and...

- Maybe not.

Good morning, everyone!

Welcome to your first day at

The Heights!

Hi!

I'm, uh...

- Carmen.

- Right.

Carmen.

Weird, 'cause it's been my name since I was born.

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to meeting each of you.

But first, I have to avail...

[IMITATES BRITISH ACCENT]

myself of the facilities, as it were.

[NORMAL VOICE]

I...

Oh, I...

I have to pee.

Uh...

As do I.

So...

just...

- Um...

- [CHATTER RESUMES]

[SIGHS]

What do you need?

Uh, do you want some water?

You want me to slap you in the face, like they do in the movies?

If you don't say "no" by the time I count to five, - I'm just gonna give you a good, hard slap.

- f*ck was I thinking?!

I have no clue how to operate a f*cking magazine or let alone supervise anybody over three feet tall.

Okay, give me your phone.

Your phone.

[TOUCHSCREEN CLICKING]

[LINE RINGS]

Darling, what's up?

Oh, there's just a lot of people out there.

Dave, Dave, I...

I did the accent.

What do you mean?

The...

the not-quite British voice?

Oh, for the love of God!

Why?

Because I was losing my sh*t.

And now I'm hiding in the bathroom!

It's not an awesome start, Dave.

It's not awesome!

You're my Wonder Woman.

You got this.

Say it back.

I'm your Wonder Woman.

I got this.

While I have you on the phone, do you have any tips for Callie?

She's formidable, and tickling is no longer doing the trick.

Uh, yes.

She thinks there's a monster prevention device in the closet that only adults can operate.

- Perfect.

- Uh, David?

Yes, Wonder Woman?

You're my Wonder Woman.

I really love you.

- Okay, that's enough.

- I love you, too, honey.

- [LINE DISCONNECTS]

- Hey, when you come home tonight, why don't you, uh...

Hello?

Hello?

I wish I had one of those.

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

Ahh.

Not bad.

[DOOR CLOSES]

I'll have to call you back.

A depressed Muppet just flopped into my office.

That's accurate.

Got any new chapters for me?

Nope.

Might I recommend one about unicorns that lose themselves in the throuple and completely neglect their own lives?

[SIGHS]

I spoke to Meredith at Directions.

They're interested in offering you a counseling job.

- Seriously?

- Yeah.

But they have some questions about your... reliability.

What are you doing, kid?

♪ The devil, he sang his favorite song ♪

♪ On my shoulder ♪

♪ Carpe diem, remember you're young ♪

♪ Live in the moment ♪



- ♪ Come on, rock 'n roll ♪

- [DOOR CLOSES]

♪ He'll never know ♪

♪ And you'll pick up the pieces tomorrow ♪

[JACK]

Izzy.

Hey, you.

Were you guys gonna leave a note?

We're leaving for Seattle tomorrow at oh-dark thirty.

[CHUCKLES]

I guess Spidey Sense does skip a generation.

- What?

- Nothing.

- We packed you a bag.

- Yeah.

I've got the biggest decision of my life to make tomorrow.

But, you know, it's not just mine to make.

It's all of ours, the three of us.

And...

I really want you guys there with me.

[BAG THUDS]

Jack...

Emma...

I've already made my decision.

What does that mean?

I can't just leave my life.

Assuming I can convince Meredith I'm not a flake, I'm getting a full-time paying job at Directions.

That's great.

Yeah, congratulations.

My best friend is here, and my dad is looking for a job here.

This is my home.

This is my life.

Well, if you're not going, we're not going.

- Right.

- So...

No, Em, you have to consider it.

You know I'm right.

I want you guys to go to Seattle.

Think about it, talk about it, give it a real chance.

And I'm gonna be here when you get back.

So whatever you decide, I'm not gonna be angry and I'm not gonna be bitter.

Okay?

[ANDY]

Doesn't get any better than this.

- Mm, got that right.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

[SIGHS]

[LAUGHS]

What the hell?

Okay, hey, remember that part where I said I need a minute?

Oh, you think...

No, you see, I'm not What's-His-Name, the shitty bartender.

[CHUCKLES]

No.

I'm, uh...

I'm What's-His-Name, the shitty delivery guy.

So...

[CHUCKLES]

Wow.

Those are...

[CHUCKLES]

so beautifully unarranged.

Yeah.

You know, it's kind of our thing.

Our niche, if you will.

I think we're earthy and wild.

- [ANDY]

Doesn't get any better than this.

- What the hell?

Hey, look, uh...

You can "take a minute" from me but not from him?

No, he's not here.

It's...

uh...

that.

- Seriously?

Both of you?

- What the hell is he doing here?

You told me to take a b*at but not him?

She told you she needs "a b*at"?

Told me she needs "a minute." - Mm.

- For what?

To choose?

Like, what is this, a competition?

Uh, no.

Not like a...

like a dance-off or something.

But...

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, now that I said the word "dance-off" out loud, let's not entirely discount it, right?

Sounds hilarious.

[LAUGHS]

Come on!

Fine.

Whatever.

No dance-off.

Those are flowers?

[BOTTLES CLINKING, REFRIGERATOR DOOR CLOSES]

Two suitors remain, but I hold just a single beer.

Like The Bachelorette?

Oh, I don't hate it.

I should, but I don't.

I'm in.

- [LAUGHS]

Just kidding.

- [BOTTLE CAP FIZZES]

Beer's for me.

Okay, look, here's the deal...

we're gonna meet back here tomorrow, and I'll reveal my choice.

Your choice?

After what this little sh*t did to you?

Are you seriously telling me I'm in a neck-and-neck with f*cking Shaun the f*cking bartender?

No offense, man.

Well, there's no conceivable way to take that as inoffensive.

Well, competition makes me chippy.

For tomorrow, feel free to flake.

It'll make the decision for me, you know.

[BEER SLOSHES]

I'll be here.

I'm not gonna flake.

Thank you.

You can just leave them as well.

You're power trippin', girlfriend.

Ooh, not your girlfriend.

See you if I see you, Andrew.

[SNAPS FINGERS]

Mm.

We want you to come with us.

You know that, right?

I do.

Will you do us a favor?

Name it.

If it's awesome, if it's perfect...

do you promise you'll think about it?

You know, I read an article recently that nearly half of Seattle's population is runaway teens.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Strange but true.

Just go.

I'll keep it in mind.

Wait, wait.

Bye, Eji.

Izzy?