SEASON 5, EPISODE 17 - OPENING NIGHT
Rachel.
Rachel.
Rachel, come on.
Rachel.
Come on.
You're on.
Here's your c-c-costume, Rachel.
Steak a dreg.
There's nothing on the hanger.
Yes, well, apparently the emperor wears no clothes.
Little trouble chewing on something?
Love me.
I love you.
Why can't you love me back?
Hey, Rache.
It's all riding on you, kid.
Even though you have no business being up there, shouldn't you be onstage?
Where's my purse?
Or my Finn necklace.
Where's my Finn necklace?
Get on with it!
♪ Dear, I fear we're facing a problem ♪
♪ You love me no longer I know and ♪
♪ Maybe there is nothing ♪
♪ That I can do ♪
♪ To make you do ♪
♪ Mama tells me I shouldn't bother ♪
♪ That I ought to stick to another man ♪
♪ A man that surely deserves me ♪
♪ But I think you do ♪
Get on with it!
♪ So I cry and I pray and I beg ♪
♪ Love me, love me ♪
♪ Say that you love me ♪
♪ Fool me, fool me ♪
♪ Go on and fool me ♪
♪ Love me, love me ♪
♪ Pretend that you love me ♪
♪ Leave me, leave me ♪
♪ Just say that you need me ♪
♪ So I cry ♪
♪ And I beg for you to ♪
♪ Love me, love me ♪
♪ Say that you love me ♪
♪ Leave me, leave me ♪
♪ Just say that you need me ♪
♪ I can't care 'bout ♪
♪ Anything but you ♪
Get on with it!
♪ Anything but you ♪
♪ Love me, love me ♪
♪ Say that you love me ♪
♪ Fool me, fool me ♪
♪ Go on and fool me ♪
♪ Love me, love me ♪
♪ I know that you need me ♪
♪ I can't care 'bout ♪
♪ Anything but you. ♪ I don't know why you're so anxious.
You k*lled it in the previews up in Syracuse.
- No, you didn't read any of the reviews.
- Yes, I did, I read every - single one of them.
- No, you only read the legit ones.
You did not read the independent bloggers or you didn't read the comments sections.
I told you to stay out of that comments section.
I know, but I couldn't help it, and now it's like they're my anxiety avatars.
Like the people in my dream.
They're the voices of all the self-doubt that I've ever had about myself.
And, you know, why do people become actors in the first place?
You know?
It's because we want to be loved.
We're like a...
like a bottomless cup that just constantly needs to be filled with love and validation.
Give me your phone.
You're being unplugged until after your opening night.
- Wait...
- No going on the Internet for anything.
All the greats do it.
Scorsese, Woody, Miley.
None of them read reviews or blogs or check Twitter.
Okay?
We are going to hermetically seal this loft into a big love bubble and fill it with positive affirmations and validations from people who know you and love you and have no doubt that you're going to be amazing.
If you need your cup filled, we'll fill it right here.
Okay.
Thank you.
Hey, William.
How's your day going, huh?
Honestly, it's been a little rough...
Yeah, I don't care.
Listen, it's come to my attention you have an extra plane ticket to New York City.
That's right, yeah.
I'm going in for Rachel's opening.
Yeah, uh, Emma and I booked it months ago, but she's obviously too pregnant to fly right now, and Coach Beiste said that, uh, Southwest wouldn't let her fly because she takes up two seats.
Well, I'll take the ticket.
I have to see New York.
What are you talking about?
You hate New York.
Western Ohio, there's a scab on the face of America.
It's an island.
It's shaped like a dong and smells like hot pee.
This island is called New York City, and it's high time the real America told New York to take a hike.
New York is a loud, overcrowded cesspool of ten million people and 70 million rats, where the best one can expect after a Central Park wilding at one of the city's hundreds of ethnic day parades is a soggy, pork anus frankfurter that a cockroach walked across.
New York is not just the playpen of the mega-rich Honey?
Billionaires who crushed and snorted our nation's retirement savings...
it's also the home of Broadway.
That great American institution that bores us to death one night a year with that bi-curious minstrel show of self-congratulation: the Tony Awards.
That broadcast lit up the switchboards with thousands of angry callers, and the network brass did their research and they discovered I've never been to New York City.
- What?
- You see, I've been taking my cue from cable news lately, just lying a lot.
But now I need to actually visit that hellhole and see how soulless, empty and b*llet-ridden it really is.
- Well...
- Or I'll lose my credibility.
Okay.
Fine, the ticket is yours if you want it.
But you have to pay me back for it.
And you have to come with me to the opening night of Rachel's show.
I mean it, Sue.
No excuses.
You drive a hard bargain, Butt Chin.
I'll do it.
Great.
Actually looking forward to it.
New York City.
Huh.
What's that gonna be like?
Taxi!
♪ NYC ♪
♪ What is it about you? ♪
♪ You're big ♪
♪ You're loud ♪
♪ You're tough ♪
♪ NYC ♪
♪ I go years without you ♪
♪ Then I ♪
♪ Can't get enough ♪
♪ Enough of cab drivers ♪
♪ Answering back ♪
♪ With language far from pure ♪
♪ Enough of frankfurters answering back ♪
♪ Oh, brother, you know you're ♪
♪ In NYC ♪ ♪ NYC ♪
♪ Too busy, too crazy ♪
♪ You crowd, you cramp ♪
♪ You're still ♪
♪ The champ ♪
♪ Amen ♪
♪ For NYC ♪
♪ NYC ♪
♪ Just got here this morning ♪
♪ Three bucks ♪
♪ Two bags ♪
♪ One me ♪
♪ NYC ♪ ♪ NYC ♪
♪ I give you fair warning ♪
♪ Up there ♪
♪ In lights ♪
♪ I'll be ♪
♪ NYC ♪
♪ You're standing room only ♪
♪ You crowd ♪
♪ You cramp ♪
♪ You're still ♪
♪ The champ ♪
♪ Amen ♪
♪ For NYC. ♪
This place smells like barf.
Come on, Sue, follow me.
- Tina.
- Hi.
- Hello, big fat Broadway star.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- About time.
These are for you.
Oh, no.
Do you have laryngitis?
Oh, no, she's just resting her voice.
Oh, thank God.
This would not be a good time for your tonsils to flare up again.
Remember that?
First year of Glee Club?
Hey, where is everyone?
Rachel's opening night on Broadway is a big deal.
And where's Artie?
I was hoping to get to see him.
Oh, his short film Bags in the Wind got accepted into the Ft.
Lauderdale International Short Film Festival.
Oh, that's too bad.
I mean, what about Quinn and Puck and Santana?
I mean, are they just not being supportive?
Tina!
Why don't you catch us up?
How's Brown University treating you?
Mm.
Ah, I love everything about it.
Except for my dorm room.
My roommate...
she's nice... but she's from Pakistan and she speaks almost no English and she's always watching that Al Jazeera channel.
And, no, I don't have a boyfriend, but I was dating this really nice guy, but he turned out to be...
Gay.
Gay.
Gay.
- Proud h*m*.
- No.
Yes.
- Anyway...
- Knew it.
Rachel, I read this amazing story about you on BroadwayWorld.com, and they are predicting that Funny Girl is gonna be a huge hit.
And so is everybody else, - except for a few moronic bloggers.
- Oh, hey, Tina.
- But, I mean, who are they to call you pitchy?
- Let's go get an iced mocha.
And do not get me started on those anonymous comment trolls.
I mean, that...
You are not that short.
Shut up.
It's fine.
It's fine.
Frankly, the only opinions that I care about are you guys.
And I love you guys and you love me.
So, you know, if I ever need any validation, I just...
turn to my buffet of people right in front of me.
If you don't mind, I am going to take a nap.
This diva needs her beauty rest.
So...
All right.
Tina.
Get your bags.
You're coming to my place.
But I thought I was staying here.
What if Rachel needs my love and validation from the buffet?
Just go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The only thing Berry's got in common with Streisand is her ginormous schnoz.
Someone call the b*mb squad, 'cause Funny Girl will no doubt be a funless flop.
- Do Broadway a favor, Rachel Berry...
- No.
- And take your bony, untalented butt back to...
- Nothing.
Whatever Hobbit-hole you crawled out of.
Oh, honey.
Sorry.
Guys.
It's bad.
Rachel has been cybercutting all night.
She read, like, every negative comment ever written about her in the span of an hour.
- No!
- Yeah.
Yeah, she's taken to her bed.
She says she's too psyched to go on tonight, and her confidence is sh*t.
We have to fill her with love and validation so she gets it back.
Otherwise, everything she's ever worked for her entire life is gonna be ruined.
Let's do it.
Hey, uh, Rache?
Namaste, Rachel.
Hey, Rachel.
These magic hands right here, they're gonna get you back to your happy place.
"Hello, gorgeous.
"Fanny Brice was my most cherished role.
"But I can't stay in style forever.
Now it's your turn.
Barbara." You of all people should know that Barbra dropped the "A" when she was 18 years old as an act of rebellion.
Who wrote this?!
Tina?!
Or not.
Okay.
I've never seen her like this.
I know.
She's usually pushing people away to get onstage.
It's not fair that anyone can send a hateful tweet to anyone and have access to artists.
You know, I-I don't think that it's the criticism that got to her; I think it's, like, the volume of it.
- It's Twitter.
- I can't believe my note didn't work.
I know.
It was so good.
Hello, losers.
Well, you live in the worst neighborhood in Brooklyn, and there isn't even a lock on your door.
You might want to look into that.
Unless, of course, you think the r*pist is gonna just move on to the next apartment filled with nubile 19-year-olds simply because your door is so damn annoying to open.
What are you doing here?
Oh, Asian Number One, that's totally something you would say.
I have come to watch Rachel Berry choke on her opening night.
I heard that!
I'm right in here!
Sue, please, Rachel is freaking out!
Well, she should be; she's going to choke.
I can hear you in here!
Oh, and to answer your question, Cheech and Chang, I'm staying here overnight, because I realized when we arrived at the hotel that Will Schuester is a big old perv and has been trying to sleep with me this whole time.
I-I thought I asked them to change it to two twin beds.
- Adultery.
- No.
That's what this is called.
Well, you are not staying here.
I can't have you anywhere near Rachel.
No, that's fine.
I'll stay in your room.
Oh, thank God there's no weird sex toys laying around.
Things could not possibly get any worse.
Look, what I'm trying to say is, whenever I'm nervous about choking in front of hundreds of people, I eat a spoonful of mustard to make myself puke, and I get that part over with.
All right, where is she?
Kurt called me in the cab, told me what was up.
She's been in there for hours.
We don't know how she's peeing.
Okay.
Give me four minutes.
I will return with Grey Poupon.
What?
You're the best they could do?
Hells, yes.
Because I am the closer.
And in two minutes, you are gonna be out of this bed ready to fistfight the Taliban and offering - to buy me a diamond necklace.
- No pep talks or anything are gonna work right now.
Honestly.
Okay?
I've never felt like this before in my entire life.
I never thought in a hundred years that I'd be too afraid to perform, but it's, like, these people and all this stuff is just, like, in my head.
- And now I don't even know what's real anymore.
- Okay, okay.
- It's, like, I am all of my insecurity.
- Seriously...
I don't do...
I don't do pep talks.
If you want a pep talk, you should call Mr.
Shue or rent The Notebook.
I took the liberty of looking up some reviews on my phone in the cab...
No, no, look, look, seriously, uh, one...
hundred - good reviews...
- Uh, she is "an ancient Hittite princess." She's a "freak." Her hands are "frightening more than amusing," and "her movements are wildly bizarre." Those are awful.
They were also written in 1964...
about Barbra Streisand when she played Fanny.
I see what you did there.
You suck at so many things...
but not at this.
And... the thing is, is that you don't even have to believe me or yourself... all you have to do is get on that stage and open your mouth.
You can't do this badly; you don't actually have it in you.
You and I only have two speeds: awesome or not at all.
And who gives a crap what all the other peasants think?
I can't...
stand you 90% of the time, but even I know that if you drag your flat little ass out on that stage tonight you're gonna m*rder that crowd.
I'm gonna eat it all.
What are you all moping around for?
It's my opening night!
Tickets!
I got one extra ticket here for sale!
Ticket!
Get your tick...
You need a ticket, lady?
Okay.
How about you, you need a ticket, lady?
What the hell are you doing?
William, I am obviously scalping my ticket.
Why should I have to suffer through an endless evening of Rachel Berry desecrating the memory of the late, great Barbra Streisand?
You promised you would come to the show.
I have no recollection of that happening.
Ticket!
Get your ticket!
You ladies have tickets?
One ticket for sale!
I got one ticket for sale if anybody needs it.
One ticket.
Oh.
Yes, sir.
Come on, right through.
Great.
Fantastic.
- How much?
- What?
Your ticket.
How much?
It's not for sale.
Move.
Move.
Come in.
- I heard it's somebody's opening night on Broadway.
- Oh, my God!
Hi!
- How are you?
- Oh, my gosh, look at you!
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
Oh, of course.
I always knew we would end up here.
That...
that you would end up here.
Well, apparently, some dreams do come true.
Apparently.
Yeah, I-I got him a seat tonight.
I know it's... weird, but he always made me promise - I would get him a ticket to my opening night on Broadway.
- It's not weird.
- It's... lovely.
- The only thing that scares me is getting through "Who Are You Now?" It's the last song, and I always think about him when I sing it, and so... if I can get through that, - then I'll be fine.
- Well, you know where we're all sitting.
If you need a little boost, just zone in on us.
Rachel, it's okay.
I am so proud of you, Rachel.
Tonight is the best gift that a student could possibly give her teacher.
You're making my dreams come true, too.
- Ten minutes, Miss Berry.
- Okay, thank you.
Hey, Em.
Yeah, I'm here with Rachel.
- Tell her I said hi.
- What's up?
She says "break a leg." Thanks.
What?
Now?
How-how long?
Wha...
wha...
Okay, wait for me.
I...
- Oh, my God.
- No, no, no.
Just try to wait.
Uh...
Is she...
right now?
- Her water just broke.
- Go!
Go!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, - I have to get back to Ohio.
- Oh, my God!
- I love you.
I love you.
Break a leg.
♪ I'm ♪
♪ The greatest star ♪
♪ I am by far ♪
♪ But no one knows it ♪
♪ Wait! They're gonna hear a voice ♪
♪ A silver flute ♪
♪ Woo, ooh-ooh, woo, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ They'll cheer each toot ♪
Hey, that kid is terrific.
Mm!
Is this supposed to be good?
Sue, cut it out.
He's the critic from The New York Times.
Do they still publish that?
♪ That I'm a natural Camille? ♪
♪ As Camille I just feel ♪
♪ I've so much to offer ♪
Hey, listen, kid, I know I'd be divine because...
♪ I'm ♪
♪ A natural cougher ♪
♪ Some ain't got it, not a lump ♪
♪ I'm a great big clump of talent ♪
♪ These are facts ♪
♪ I've got no a* ♪
♪ To grind ♪
Hey, what are you, blind?
♪ In all of the world so far ♪
♪ I'm the greatest star ♪
I just can't even...
Excuse me, I need to go k*ll myself.
♪ I'm the greatest star ♪
♪ I am by far ♪
♪ But no one knows it ♪
♪ That's ♪
♪ Why I was born ♪
♪ I'll blow my horn... ♪
♪ Till someone blows in ♪
♪ I'll ♪
♪ Light up like a light ♪
♪ Right up like a light ♪
♪ I'll flicker ♪
♪ Then flare up, ha! ♪
♪ All the world's ♪
♪ Gonna stare up ♪
♪ Looking down you'll never see me ♪
♪ Try the sky, 'cause that'll be me! ♪
♪ I can make them cry ♪
♪ I can make them sigh ♪
♪ Someday they'll clamor ♪
♪ For my drama ♪
♪ Have you ♪
♪ Guessed yet ♪
♪ Who's the best yet? ♪
♪ If ya ain't ♪
♪ I'll tell you ♪
♪ One more time ♪
♪ You bet your last dime ♪
♪ In all of the world so far ♪
♪ I am the greatest ♪
♪ Greatest ♪
♪ Star... ♪
Excuse me, sir.
Could you call me a taxicab?
First time in New York?
And what makes you think that?
Well, that is not how you call a cab.
All you have to do is walk out on the curb and put your hand - in the air.
- Oh, okay.
I see.
I didn't...
I didn't know.
Don't feel bad.
You know, that was my first Broadway show.
Yeah.
One of my patrons gave me the tickets.
I didn't think it was gonna make me want to barf so much.
I mean, it's called Funny Girl.
I thought it was gonna be about a funny girl.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- It definitely was not funny, and for a second there...
- No.
I wasn't even sure she was a girl.
You said "patron." Are you a sex worker?
No.
I am a restaurateur.
Oh.
I own a few places around the city.
Yeah.
I'm kind of a big deal.
Wow.
You want to grab a bite?
Yeah.
Hey!
You're doing great up there.
You're giving it - the full Fanny.
- Hey, how you feeling?
I don't know.
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I mean, good, good.
But do you guys think that, you know, Sue getting up in the middle had any sort of effect on the critics or the audience or anything like that?
- No.
- No, no, probably not.
No, right?
Bravo.
- You were terrific in the first act.
- Oh, good, good, good.
- Terrific.
- I made some little changes, but...
- No, no.
It was wonderful.
I promise you...
- Great.
- It was wonderful.
- Okay.
I'm a little concerned about that guy in the...
the tracksuit leaving right at the beginning.
I mean, he stepped over the critic of the Times.
The guy was spooked.
- Oh, my God.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Not to worry, not to worry.
The important thing now is what you do in act two.
Critics remember beginnings and endings.
So now you have to dig deep.
I know you can do it.
All you have to do is share it with everybody.
I can do it.
Sorry to tell you, you're gonna have to.
With all the work that we've done, all the money that's been put in, it's all for that one critic from the Times.
If he doesn't like it...
we're kaput.
If the review is bad, then opening night is closing night.
And that...
is showbiz.
I mean, seriously, if I wanted to see a show about an ugly duckling who gets dumped, I'd just watch an episode of Girls.
I hear you.
So welcome to Mario's, Sue Sylvester, the gem of Little Italy.
I know it's changed from when I was growing up.
Now it's pretty much one street surrounded by Chinatown.
But, still, it's pretty special.
Well, I do like the idea of naming a restaurant after one's self.
Hey, Salvatore.
This is Sue Sylvester.
I'm gonna go whip up something...
Buonasera, Signorina Sylvester.
This is America.
We speak English here.
So, what can I make for you?
How about some gnocchi alla napolitano?
Or, uh, linguine al pesto?
I'm not sure.
And, to tell you the truth, no one's ever cooked for me before.
What?
You got to be kidding.
No.
It's true.
My parents were famous n*zi hunters, so they weren't around a lot.
Also, I've been threatened with poisonings several times, so I don't even order takeout without my food taster, and Becky's back in Ohio.
Sue, I got to ask.
Married?
I'm divorced, actually.
Um, I was briefly married to myself, uh, but it didn't work out.
We both realized in the end that we'd grown apart.
Huh.
You?
No, I'm, uh, married to my city.
This town is my mistress.
She's my type of gal.
Cruel, delicious and 100 stories tall.
- There you go.
- Oh.
- Buon appetito.
- Mmm.
I have to say, when I decided to come to New York, I did not think this was going to happen.
Oh.
Oh.
I knew that Funny Girl would be a disaster.
I've seen Rachel Berry butcher literally dozens of show tunes with many an ugly cry, but...
I did not predict that I would meet somebody like you.
Me, neither.
Although there aren't a lot of women like you.
You know, that show would've been a lot better if you'd been up there on that stage.
♪ Who are you now? ♪
♪ Now that you're mine ♪
♪ Are you something more ♪
♪ Than you were ♪
♪ Before? ♪
♪ Are you warmer in the rain? ♪
♪ Are you stronger ♪
♪ For my touch? ♪
♪ Am I giving too ♪
♪ Little ♪
♪ By my loving you ♪
♪ Too much? ♪
♪ How is the view? ♪
♪ Sunny and green? ♪
♪ How do you compare it to ♪
♪ The views you've seen? ♪
♪ I know I am ♪
♪ Better ♪
♪ Braver ♪
♪ And surer, too ♪
♪ But you ♪
♪ Are you now ♪
♪ Who are you now? ♪
♪ Are you someone ♪
♪ Better ♪
♪ For my ♪
♪ Love? ♪
Oh, my God.
Oh, - I am gonna have a big glass of that.
- Yay.
- Oh, my God, Rachel.
You were so great.
- Thank you.
I bawled during "Who Are You Now?".
I had to blow my nose on Sam's sleeve.
This is suede.
I'm sorry.
You guys, I love you so much.
I seriously...
I couldn't have done this without all of you.
- And you got flowers from Quinn.
- I know.
And Artie and Mike Chang and Puck and Principal Figgins.
Clearly you're loved by many.
Whoa...
Tonight, you are a star.
Oh, my God.
Thank you so much.
You know what, you guys, let's save all the praises - until after the New York Times review comes out.
- Yeah, yeah.
- You're right, you're right.
- Yeah.
We have, uh, six hours of innocence left.
- Whew.
- And then when the reviews hit the stand, we'll find out if we're the best thing since sliced bread or toast.
But...
we are going - to celebrate tonight.
- Okay.
We are going to have an opening night party, Elio's restaurant, Italian restaurant.
Eggplant parmigiana always, always brings me good luck.
- Yeah!
Yay.
- Rachel, Rachel, - your friends, huh?
- Yeah.
Bring everybody!
All right, bye.
Whoa.
Eggplant parmigiana?
Thank you.
I can't believe it, a real Broadway cast party.
I don't really feel like going to the party.
I think that they're just gonna only be talking about the play, and...
I don't know...
I'd rather just...
celebrate with you guys.
I know just the place down in Greenwich Village.
Trust me, Rachel, they're gonna love you there.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Rachel Berry?!
Here?!
Oh, my God, you recognize me?
We've been tracking Funny Girl for weeks.
How was tonight?
She was incredible.
Oh, well, then this is historic.
You have to sing something...
it's Broadway tradition.
- Oh, no.
I'm...
I'm not sure.
- Whatever the review says tomorrow, let's just love and celebrate you tonight, right now.
Well, in that case...
I'm here for the night!
Hit it!
♪ Hey, heart, on the road again ♪
♪ Moving on ♪
♪ Forward ♪
♪ Sticks and stones won't break our bones ♪
♪ We're in a car ♪
♪ On the highway ♪
♪ It's a magical feeling ♪
♪ That no one's got a hold ♪
♪ You're a catalyst ♪
♪ To your happiness, you know ♪
♪ 'Cause it's your heart ♪
♪ It's alive ♪
♪ It's pumping blood ♪
♪ And it's your heart ♪
♪ It's alive ♪
♪ It's pumping blood ♪
♪ And the whole wide world is whistling ♪
♪ Hey, heart, on the road again ♪
♪ On the highway, on the highway ♪
♪ Hey, heart, on the road again ♪
♪ On the highway, on the highway ♪
♪ 'Cause it's your heart ♪
♪ It's alive ♪
♪ It's pumping blood ♪
♪ And it's your heart ♪
♪ It's alive ♪
♪ It's pumping blood ♪
♪ And the whole wide world is whistling ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ It's whistling ♪
♪ It's whistling ♪
♪ It's whistling ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ It's whistling ♪
♪ And the whole wide world is whistling. ♪
Oh, my God.
Who wants to rub my feet?
I haven't danced that hard since Nationals two years ago.
I got the DJ's number.
Oh.
Tina, I told you, he's totally gay.
- Come on.
- Gay?
- No!
- What are you, blind?
Tina!
Uh, I'm gonna make some coffee, you guys.
The reviews come out in 30 minutes, and I want us all to go down to the newsstand together.
Uh, I'll take mine black, thanks.
Who are all you people?
Oh, my God.
You are the guy...
the guy that walked out of my show last night.
What are you doing in my apartment?
In my robe?
Well, aren't you all so very, very rude.
Oh, my God, Sue had sex in your bed.
Actually, we did it all over your apartment.
And if I were you, I'd put something down on that couch before I sat on it.
Oh, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
So, how'd the rest of the show go, huh?
I considered coming back for act two just so I could walk out again.
Okay, you know what?
I am not...
It's okay.
I got this.
You know what Sue?
You made my life in high school a living hell.
Well, thank you.
And it's like you had a mission to keep us underwater, never coming up, even for a breath of air, and you said that it was to push us, but I really don't think that's what you wanted, because if we actually felt how wonderful and amazing and loved we really were, then we would know what you knew all along, which is that you are a rotten and awful person who only finds joy in people's misery.
Well, let me tell you something.
Something amazing happened tonight.
A group of friends rallied together and made a dream come true.
And never, ever in your empty, sad life will you feel the kind of love that I felt tonight.
And I would feel so sad for you, but I don't, because I just want you to get the hell out of my apartment, because I want to be with my friends.
Wow.
Oh, Mario, I'm sorry you had to see that.
Let's go.
I suddenly don't feel very welcome here anymore.
Well, it was, uh, super meeting all of you.
Hey, where'd you get this robe?
- Just keep it.
- Thanks, bro.
Ah, Rachel.
Bravo.
Rachel.
Rachel!
- Rachel!
Rachel!
- Yeah.
Poetry...
couldn't have said it better myself.
Sir, do you have the New York Times?
- It's the paper of record.
- How old are you?
They're gonna e-mail you the New York Times in three minutes.
- What the heck?
- Just give us the paper.
Oh, my God.
Open it.
Come on.
Open it!
Open...
I'm cold!
Can you open it?
Rachel, let's go, let's read it.
No, I can't, I can't.
I can't do it, Kurt.
- You're gonna have to read it.
- No way!
- I'm too nervous.
- You know what?
Give me this.
I don't mind being the bearer of bad news.
- All right.
- Okay.
"One might ask themselves, why?
"Why revive Funny Girl?
"An iconic show with an iconic star.
"Why, when there are so many wonderful new playwrights, "would Sidney Greene decide to dust off this tired "old girl of a play?
"Well, frankly, I can only come up with a single answer, and it's Rachel Berry." Oh, my God.
"It takes chutzpa to be willing to step into "the Great One's knee-high lace-ups "and make Fanny your own.
"And Rachel has plenty of that, clearly.
"But she also has something else in spades...
- talent." - Oh, my God.
- Talent!
- Talent.
"And mountains of it.
"I'm not talking about the Appalachians.
Berry is the Alps." - Ooh.
- "I'm sure "I could find fault "in this green actress's performance, "but shame on anyone who would have the audacity "to criticize the bold mistakes of a supernova exploding before our eyes." "I just pray to God that no one saw me secretly wiping my tears - No!
- "during her show-stopping 'Who Are You Now?' "I don't know where inside that small frame Berry went "to find the emotion she delivered with that song, but she melted the icy heart of this reviewer." Oh, my God.
Let me see.
- Okay.
- All right.
"I hope this show runs for a long time, not because "anyone needs to see 'Don't Rain on My Parade' again, "or the producers found a way "to get a real tugboat onstage, but because "I want to have some time "to enjoy Rachel Berry as she is now.
"I know I will be going back for a second heaping bowl of Rachel Berry." Yes!
My phone is ringing.
Who's call...?
Oh, it's Mr. Shue!
Oh, hey.
Oh, wait.
Mr. Shue, I'm putting you on speaker!
I made it back just in time for the last few pushes.
Emma's doing fine, and so is the baby.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- Yay!
Shut up and just tell us what we need to know.
Boy or girl?
It's a boy.
It's a boy.
Yeah, we're naming him Daniel.
Daniel Finn Schuester.
Aw.
Hey, hey, how was...
how was the show?
It was amazing.
How do you feel?
Oh, for the first time in my life, I feel...
completely happy.
How about you?
Same.
I feel the exact same.
So, I got to run.
Okay, well, we love you.
Bye.
Bye.
Love you, Mr. Shue.
So...
what now?
Well, it's morning.
I have an early flight to catch.
Hey, I, uh...
I don't suppose I could convince you to stay in New York a little longer.
Um...
No.
I have a school to run and a daughter that needs me, whose father is Michael Bolton.
Wait.
What?
Last night was truly magical.
I...
Oh, turns out I love New York, and you are the reason why.
But, Mario, I'm a Lima gal at heart.
I, uh...
I love living in a place where "Hang On, Sloopy" is the official state song.
Where the Y Bridge in Zanesville spans the confluence of the Muskingum and Licking Rivers, making it the only bridge in the world that you can cross and still be on the same side of the river.
I love living in a place that is home to the world's largest basket, located in Basket Village, USA.
I guess what I'm saying, Mario, is, um, Sue Sylvester's a big fish who really kind of likes swimming in a little pond.
I don't suppose I could convince you to, uh, pull up stakes and...
Uh, you know, I'm a New Yorker, Sue.
So, uh, I guess that's it, huh?
I guess so.
It sure was nice getting to know you, Sue Sylvester.
Yeah.
So long, Sue.
Ah.
Where to, lady?
Huh?
I take.
Ah, ah, ah.
I...
Cra...
crazy!
Drive the car.
Crazy lady.
I got it.
I got it.
Thanks for making me feel like a girl.
She wasn't right...
the short girl from the play.
You are lovable, Sue.
Let's get out of here.
Recently, I've gotten in a lot of hot water for some comments I made on this broadcast.
Last week, I called New York City an overpriced, rat-infested hellhole that smells like an adult diaper.
Well, let me be clear.
I stand by my comments.
Every word I said...
absolutely true.
Except for one thing.
I don't hate New York.
I love...
New York.
There's nowhere on earth quite like it.
There's no place so alive with endless worlds of possibility.
Every time you step outside, you find yourself on an adventure you never could have predicted.
Sure, you might get hit by a bus or stop for pierogies and end up being human trafficked by the Russian Mob, but if you're anything like this champion cheerleading coach, you just might also find love.
Or, at the very least, a night of sturdy, spirited lovemaking with a relative stranger in every corner of the apartment of several of your former students.
And that's how Sue... sees it.