03x03 - Apparently Dead

[bunniefuu]

[rock music playing]

[splattering]

Candy.

Mom!

BRANDY: I find out that Ashy Slashy is my real father, and he's got me sleeping in his sister's old room.

- ASH: Hey, kiddo.

Rise and shine.

- [shuddering]

Some counselor from Kenwood High left you one of those text things.

I've got you now.

ASH: One thing is clear, evil is after my offspring.

Fucker!

[yelling]

The born and the unborn.

From now on, protecting Brandy is job one.

[mysterious voice]

You are in grave danger.

Who sent you?

Your uncle.

The Brujo.

There was a naked lady right there.

Those marks on your arms, that's Sumerian writing.

DALTON: If I'm right, this goes one of two ways.

He kills us, or we k*ll him.

♪♪ - [eerie music playing]

- [indistinct chatter]

[clears throat]

Hey, kiddo.

I'm sorry I'm late, I would've gotten here sooner but, uh, I stopped to get you some flowers.

Oh.

Oh, they're dripping wet.

Yeah.

Well, that's how you know they're fresh.

Look, um...

it's really nice that you're here, but you barely knew my mom.

So you don't have to do this whole "dad" thing, if you don't want.

I mean I know you're trying, but my guidance counselor offered to put me up until I graduate.

And I think maybe I should take her up on it.

Come on now, I mean you know, 50 bucks a week was just a suggestion.

- [chuckling]

You know?

- Hm.

I mean...

I'll keep the-the seat down.

Yeah, I guess if-if my mom, and the town can give you a second chance, then I can too.

You must be the husband of the deceased?

Yeah, for like an hour and a half.

Uh but, lovingly.

Relatives may pay their respects to the deceased in the private viewing area, if you wish.

Oh, buddy boy.

Um, are you sure that's a good idea?

Excuse me?

Well, in case you hadn't noticed, the kid's mom is, uh...

[blows air]

minus a noggin.

Oh, I think you'll find she's been well restored.

- [suspenseful music playing]

- Restored?

We reinstated the head.

[speaking softly]

Son of a bitch.

I mean, thank you very much.

[eerie choral music]

[flesh squishing]

[clearing throat]

Sorry, baby, it's nothing personal, but you know, if you've been k*lled by a Deadite, a guy can't be too careful.

Well, uh...

rest in peace, Candy Barr.

You were cursed with a dumb name, but uh, I'll always remember you.

Or at least I'll never forget you again.

[sighing]

And of all the chicks, you gave the...

- [gasping]

- [eerie music playing]

Hm.

Ah!

Hey!

- [slamming]

- [Ash grunting]

[yelling]

[heavy breathing]

[grunting, pounding]

Hey!

- [groaning]

- [wood creaking]

[roaring]

- Damn, you look good, lover!

- Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Hands off the Johnson!

Just like old times, eh?

Oh, no.

This ain't the Kroger parking lot.

- [laughing]

- [howling]

Yeah!

Yee-hah!

- Oh, do you want to take it slow?

- No, no, no!

I don't want to take it at all.

[chuckling]

Uh, where are you going?

- You know you want it, big boy!

- [groaning]

- Yeah?

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Yeah!

- [grunting]

Oh!

Oh, that's more like it, Ashy!

- Yeah!

- No...

means...

no!

[high-pitched voice]

Don't you want to kiss me?

[Demon Candy growling]

Is this better?

- [glass shattering]

- [groaning]

[both groaning]

- [both grunting]

- [electricity zapping]

- [cracking]

- [splattering]

[heavy breathing]

[grunting]

- [both grunting]

- [splattering]

[grunting, gasping]

How was that for you?

[gasping]

- [thuds]

- [groans]

[suspenseful music playing]

[eerie music playing]

[funeral director sighing]

We really should get started.

I'm sorry, I don't know where he is.

Can we just wait five more minutes?

I'm sorry, I think we should start.

Brandy, honey?

Is there anything I can do?

No.

It's just... my stupid father.

Thank you for being here.

Always.

[speaking softly]

I'm here for you.

[exhaling deeply]

[somber music playing]

[gulps]

Thank you for coming today, to remember my mother Candace.

She was a good friend to so many...

[voice shaking]

but most of all, she was my mom.

- When I think back...

- [rumbling]

[people murmuring]

Um, when I think back, I picture my mom trying to raise her little girl in a world that sometimes felt complicated and...

- [loud rumbling]

- [gasping]

Oh, my God!

- [all screaming, gasping]

- [organ playing]

God!

Argh!

f*cking hell!

[groaning]

Oh.

Jesus...

- [thudding]

- [all gasping]

Sorry folks.

Just a...

little misunderstanding.

[gasping, screaming continues]

- [flesh squishing]

- MAN: Ew!

Jesus Christ.

We all grieve in our own way.

- [all screaming]

- [head thudding]

- [lid slamming]

- [screaming, gasping]

[slamming, gasping continues]

- [all murmuring]

- [Ash panting]

Go ahead, hon, you're doing great.

[gasping]

Um...

[sighing]

she taught me...

[sobbing]

It's all right.

I've got it.

Well, uh, on behalf of Brandy, I'd like to, uh, thank you all for coming.

[murmuring continues]

Mr.

Williams.

I'd like to express my sincere condolences.

Oh, well, thanks, but you know, I didn't really know her...

- Ruby.

- Excuse me?

Well, if it ain't the she-devil herself.

In church no less.

You found the Book, didn't you?

What are you doing?

This is my guidance counselor, Ms. Prevett.

The one you're moving in with?

That's right, and I want to assure you, I only have your daughter's best interests at heart.

I don't know how she's doing it, I don't know why she's doing it, but you got to believe me kiddo.

Little Miss Moffatt here, is a black hearted hell beast!

I have known her for two whole years.

- Seriously?

- I can almost explain.

Who was your punk friend?

- Rachel.

- Rachel.

Right.

Well, Ruby made her, and your mom into demons.

Ms. Prevett...

turned my mom, and my best friend into demons?

[speaking softly]

I can't do this.

I'm getting my stuff out of your creepy house, and I never want to see you again.

Oh, Brandy.

I think it's time that you backed off, Ash.

Of course there's nothing you can do to me, but I'd hate for anything to happen to your precious little girl.

You be careful, Ruby.

Never get between a Papa Bear, and his cub.

- [creaking, clattering]

- Ugh!

[gasps]

[eerie music playing]

- [footsteps approaching]

- KELLY: f*ck me.

Looks like a snuff film in here.

Well, Kelly.

Pablo.

New guy.

You missed all the excitement.

Everybody's favorite skanky demon Ruby is back, and she's yanking Brandy's chain.

- Hold on, Ruby's back?

- Yep.

And this is the evil immortal Ruby.

- Mm-hm.

- Who's Ruby?

Oh, boy.

[speaking softly]

Oh, sh*t.

I'll be right back, guys.

- [eerie music playing]

- [heavy breathing]

[rustling]

Naked lady?

I think there's a dress code.

[voice echoing]

You must listen to the Brujo...

you are in danger from the demon woman.

To protect you, he wants to give you something...

[slicing]

The Kandarian dagger?

[squirting]

It is close to where it was lost...

you must go there.

It is the key to your salvation.

Got it.

Hey, uh, by the way, you got a name?

Maybe we could, uh, grab a coffee sometime, or meet up, you know, like at a clothing store...

Find it!

You must accept your destiny.

Cool.

This demon, Ruby?

She's the Dark One?

We need to k*ll her.

Now!

You want to do that, you need a Kandarian dagger.

Guys.

I think it's still there.

The dagger.

I think it's at the place, where the cabin went down.

How would you know?

Because a naked lady told me.

Uh...

There's only one way to find out.

ALL: Road trip.

Copy that.

But you three are going to have to go solo this time.

What?

What are you going to do?

I'm going to try and talk some sense into my seriously hormonal daughter.

Good luck with that.

[suspenseful music playing]

- [motorcycle revving]

- [engine rumbling]

[engines stop]

So, where do we start?

Over there.

Like, way over there.

- [wind howling]

- [mysterious breathing]

[tools clattering]

Hard to believe this is the place where evil was released.

It's harder to believe, that evil keeps bringing us back to the cabin, and this time it's not even here.

It's creepy being back.

- [shovels scraping]

- [grunting]

This was the last place I saw Ruby.

Two Rubies, actually.

Then we should dig fast.

[Kelly grunting]

[Pablo gasping]

- Kel.

- Yeah?

I got something.

- [suspenseful music playing]

- [heavy breathing]

- [rustling]

- [grunting]

That dagger is definitely here.

- [eerie music playing]

- [cat screeching in distance]

[dog barking in distance]

You want me to come with?

[sniffling]

I'll be fine, I just need to pull myself together, and then I'll get a ride to your place.

Maybe I should say goodbye to Ash.

I'll be waiting.

[soft music playing]

[sighing]

[mysterious breathing]

[crickets chirping]

[grass rustling]

[wind howling]

Some people just don't treat family with enough respect.

[clicking]

[squishing]

[faint roaring]

[chanting in foreign language]

[dripping]

[continues chanting in foreign language]

[blade clicking]

[wings flapping]

And they say there's no such thing as second chances.

[suspenseful music playing]

[sighing]

- ♪ Ah ♪

- [rock music playing]

[lightning crashing]

♪ Now I don't hardly know her ♪

[wind shrieking]

♪ Oh, but I think I could love her ♪

[thunder rumbling]

- ♪ Crimson and clover ♪

- Uh, no.

[creaking]

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Now when she comes walking over ♪

[mud squishing]

♪ Now I've been waitin' to show her ♪

- ♪ Crimson and clover ♪

- [demonic growling]

♪ Over and over ♪

[rock music continues]

[mud splattering]

[loud thudding]

[lighting crashing]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ My, my, such a sweet thing ♪

- Ash?

- ♪ Ah ♪

[growling]

♪ I wanna do everything ♪

[thunder rumbling]

♪ What a beautiful feeling ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Crimson and clover ♪

[growling continues]

♪ Over and over ♪

[rock music continues]

[thunder rumbling]

- [engine stops]

- [wind howling]

[thunder rumbling]

- [Brandy panting, sniffling]

- [eerie music playing]

I don't even know what to think anymore.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

MAN'S VOICE: Now, now.

It's that damn Ash... boy's got more loose screws than a Nevada cathouse.

[demonic growling]

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, uh, enjoying my couch, now that I swept off all your nasty chips and sh*t.

How about we watch it again?

That'll bring a smile.

- [Brandy chuckles]

- [remote clicks]

You know me as Ash Williams, the hero who saved Elk Grove from evil.

- I'm serious, buddy.

- [TV continues indistinctly]

- Watch, this is the best part.

- [volume clicks]

Because at Ashy Slashy's, "service" is literally...

- BOTH: Not.

- ...our middle name!

- [laughing]

- What a piece of sh*t.

You actually put this on TV?

What's wrong with...?

Forget that.

What the hell are you doing in my house, creep-o?

Enjoying the company of the granddaughter I never knew I had.

Brandy, you know your grandpa's dead, right?

- Am not.

- Is too.

- Nope.

- What is your problem?

He's fine.

Forget him.

Kid's got demon on the brain.

Your grandpa was run over by the Delta.

Yeah, he told me about the accident.

It's amazing he survived.

Survived?

His head was squashed like a f*cking watermelon!

Uh, it'll keep more than that shitty rent-a-wreck to keep me down.

Can you please stop, okay?

This is the first time that I have felt even close to normal since I met you.

Yeah, quit being such an assh*le, and let us enjoy our family time.

Come here, sweetness.

Thread 'er up again.

Hey, Dad?

Can we have a chat?

Oh, that boy is such a buzzkill.

- [suspenseful music playing]

- [shovels scraping]

[Pablo grunting]

Found everything but the dagger.

Still think we're getting warm?

[faint growling]

[grunting, panting]

Hold on!

- [growling grows louder]

- [Pablo breathing heavily]

[chuckling]

Hello, gorgeous.

Guys, I found it!

- [wind howling]

- [growling]

- [roaring]

- [smashing]

[whispers]

sh*t.

- [chiming]

- Guys!

I think we need to get out of here right now.

[clicking]

- Run!

- [Kelly yelling]

- [demon growling, snarling]

- [g*nshots]

[yelling]

[squishing]

KELLY: Pablo!

[eerie music playing]

Dalton!

Can you guys hear me?!

[panting]

f*ck!

Hello?!

- [wind howling]

- [heavy breathing]

Pablo...

g*dd*mn it.

- [gasping, gagging sounds]

- sh*t.

Dalton!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[whispering]

No.

It was Pablo...

Pablo did this.

- Pablo did this to you?

- Kelly, get out of here.

Uh, look at me.

Look at what your f*cking friend did.

[panting]

He set us up.

What are you talking about?

We should have k*lled him when we had the chance.

[panting continues]

Give me the dagger.

- [mysterious breathing]

- There's got to be another way.

Kelly...

give me the dagger.

I told you this would happen, but you wouldn't listen to me.

I'm sorry, Dalton.

I'm sorry too.

[in demonic voice]

Now give me that f*cking dagger!

[gasping]

- [roaring]

- [branch snapping]

- [engine revving]

- [smashing]

[both grunting]

Nobody fucks with the Ghost Beaters!

- [panting]

- [truck crashing]

Pablo!

[engine idling]

Pablo?

[gasps]

Dalton.

Well, let's see, he's got some beers...

Pop-Tarts, and...

and a old corn dog.

g*dd*mn, boy.

Don't you ou keep any real food around here?

What's your game, Gramps?

Why's everything got to be a drama with you?

- ASH [on TV]: We got rope!

- [laughing]

We got rubber!

We got it all!

That cutie-pie's counselor asked me to drop in on her, that's all.

Oh, yeah?

Your buddy Ruby?

Yeah, ol' Sasquatch.

That fine looking slice of evil pulled me right from the dirt.

Go ahead, make your move.

I put you in the dirt once, I can do it again.

Oh, attaboy.

Show Brandy the monster that you really are.

- ...to "ildo."

- g*dd*mn it.

Because at Ashy Slashy's service is literally...

- Oh, what are you doing?

- my middle...

- [sighing]

- You think she hates you now?

Whoa!

- [gasps]

- [thuds]

Oh, boy.

DEMON BROCK: Don't worry about Brandy, I'll give her a shoulder to cry on.

- [Ash groaning]

- [Demon Brock grunting]

[hissing, rattling]

- [both grunting]

- [yells]

I like my kids cooked medium rare!

- [groaning continues]

- [electricity zapping]

- [flesh sizzling]

- [groaning]

And I love the smell of old man in the morning!

- [yelling]

- [shattering]

- [whacks]

- [clattering]

- [yelling continues]

- [clattering]

Ah!

Hey!

- [groaning]

- [clattering]

- [yelling]

- [both grunting]

[groaning, gasping]

Ow.

[grunting]

- [triumphant music playing]

- [grunting]

[yelling]

- [buzzing]

- [snarling]

- [yelling]

- [splattering]

[Demon Brock wailing]

- [grunting]

- [splattering]

- [thunder rumbling]

- [chuckling]

[shuddering]

[Ash chuckles nervously]

Uh...

the good news is I can explain.

I wish you were the one that was dead.

Honey, don't judge a book by its cover!

- Leave me alone.

- No, look, sweetie, I didn't even k*ll him, because he's already dead!

[door slamming]

Kids.

♪ I don't know what's wrong with these kids today ♪

♪ Kids ♪

♪ Who can understand anything they say ♪

♪ Kids ♪

♪ You're disobedient, disrespectful oafs ♪

♪ Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers ♪

♪ And while we're on the subject kids ♪

♪ You can talk and talk till your face is blue ♪

♪ Kids ♪

♪ But they still just do what they want to do ♪

♪ Why can't they be like we were ♪

♪ Perfect in every way ♪

♪ What's the matter with kids today ♪

♪ Kids ♪

♪ I've tried to raise you the best I could ♪

♪ Kids ♪

♪ All the things I've done were for your own good ♪

♪ Kids ♪

♪ Can't you once appreciate how I've sacrificed ♪

♪ Working, slaving, skrimping, saving ♪

♪ Pennies And living with your father ♪

♪ Kids ♪