Old Fashioned ( 2014 )

[bunniefuu]

Old Fashioned ( 2014 )


I thought I'd always be alone.

Why?

It's what I deserve.

Oh, that's a bunch of hooey.

It's not true.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I've never met anyone like you.

What are you so afraid of?

What do you think, Mr. Joe?

Home?

See what you think.

Wow!

This is nice!

I need some references, of course.

Aren't you coming in?

I don't bite.

How do I know?

- What is this?

- What's what?

Come over here, and I'll show you.

Seriously?

What's your deal, stress boy?

Please don't take it personally, it's just...

I made a promise to never be alone with any woman that's not my wife.

Oh!

That's sweet.

I think.

Is she the jealous type?

Oh, I'm not married.

- Engaged?

- No.

Living together?

Dating?

No, I don't date.

I have a theory about that.

So, who'd you make this promise to?

Old fashioned, huh?

Yeah.

It's a little on the nose.

What can I say?

Three eligible

bachelors remain, and single and seductive ladies are ready to do battle to win the man of their dreams.

Tune in tonight.

Oh, come on, Clay.

Speak!

I command you.

I'm not telling you nothin'.

Traitor!

I'm sworn to secrecy, man.

I gave my word to Lisa.

Oh, man, what'd she get me?

No way!

I'd be dead. You want me dead?

You're a coward. You're a traitor and a coward.

All right, ladies.

That's it for the big stuff.

I don't know what I would've done without you.

Yeah, you'll find out soon enough.

We ain't going to L.A.

Oh!

Oh, man, is that what I think it is?

Man!

Oh, feels like years ago.

Should have been undefeated, baby.

Come on.

Yes. Top of the key.

It's my fault.

I was wide open.

Hey, get in there.

Get the close up, man. Get the close up.

Well, well, well, this is a surprise.

After last night, I figured I owed you one.

It was so good seeing you again.

It was.

Amazing.

So, uh, what's with the truck?

Oh, um, I got a new job. Isn't that great?

Where?

Hollywood. Los Angeles.

I thought you'd be happy for me.

You told me last night I could move in.

Well, you can.

I didn't say with me.

I put a good word in for you with the landlord.

In fact, I told him to keep my security deposit for your first month's rent.

No problem. It's all yours.

Clay, stop judging me!

The only sin in this world, you dinosaur, is being boring.

And, brother, I am not guilty.

And that's why I'm going nationwide.

Syndication, baby!

Live on the radio from the City of Angels.

My heart weeps for America.

Oh, come on, you're gonna miss me, so will what's her face.

Okay, here's an idea. How 'bout this?

Why don't you just crawl back under that cute little antique shop and make up some more theories you never test out at the grown up table anymore, hmm?

I didn't do anything unto her that I didn't want done unto me.

Wait, I'm sorry. Seriously, though, I'm sorry.

Seriously, though, remember that summer in Myrtle Beach with the redheaded cheerleader and her...

Oh, come on, that is my favorite story.

Will you please just... please, Daddy?

Please?

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a...

Oh, here we go. The hermit has a proclamation.

Oh, come on, man!

No, please, by all means, don't let me interrupt you.

So, tomorrow, right?

Tomorrow.

Women are stupid.

Every single one of them loves to believe in some sort of fairytale, offer the illusion of security, just pretend everything is gonna be okay.

And abracadabra!

Lines are open. Give Lucky Chucky a call.

You know the number, you lemmings.

Pick up the phone...

Tim from Lakeland, you're on the air.

Live the dream, my brother.

My brother, live the dream. Do you have what it takes?

Do I have what it takes?

Hey, man, you know I got what it takes.

Do you have any idea how many hot, stupid women there are in California?

- Seven?

- Keep going!

- Twenty-five?

- Add a couple of zeros.

- Twenty-five thousand?

- Keep going.

- Five million?

- Double that.

- Ten million?

- More.

Oh, man, I can't count that high.

I can. Next caller, anonymous, you're on the air.

You're disgusting.

Mom, is that you?

If I was your mother, I...

Yeah, what would you do?

Would you punish me?

You know, men like you...

Yes, men like me!

How much do you weigh, sweetheart?

How much?

Don't be shy, honey. How much?

One-sixty?

One-seventy?

Are you pushing two bills?

Come on, you can be honest with me.

Mom?

Did we lose her?

Did we lose my mom?

Fine.

You know, I'm no knight in shining armor.

There are no knights in shining armor.

But you seem to think you're Cinderella, don't you?

Don't you?

See, I wanna help.

I wanna help you see the truth.

And the truth is there are no Cinderellas either.

Sure, you say you want a sweet guy, a Prince Charming, but guys like that bore you to tears, don't they?

Following you around like a little lost puppy dog until your mind, not to mention every other part of you, goes numb.

Are you sweet?

Are you faithful, huh? Are you honest?

Are you all those things you say you want?

No.

You see, on those late and lonely nights when you're all alone, solo, abandoned, lost, clutching the corner of your pillow, you want one thing, and that is a guy like me, so you get what you get, girlfriend.

Women are just like men.

Everyone wants it both ways.

Morning!

Yo!

Hey, knock knock.

Uh, who's there?

Ain't thought that far ahead yet.

Let's go!

Get the lead out!

Come on!

Busy man!

Oh yeah?

Hmm?

Hmm?

Couple of pieces, I don't know.

You like anything?

Eh, you should really tie that stuff down.

Hello there?

You've been holding out on me.

Where you been?

George.

What?

All my life, where have you been?

Down, boy.

How's the wife?

Oh, mean as a snake.

You settling in okay?

So far, so good.

Just call me if you need anything.

And call me if you need anything else.

I'll do that.

- Just moved in.

- Lucky you.

- Not my type.

How do you know?

So help me, man.

I worry about you.

I'll take the wall mirror.

Yeah. You would.

You can't leave me.

So, this is it.

The time has come, my brothers.

It has been a long and oh-so tasty ride so far, but, remember, this isn't goodbye to you, the faithful.

No, my luscious body might be moving to Hollywood, but my voice... you'll know exactly where to find me.

I am not going anywhere.

Hi.

Uh.

Um.

- You're kidding.

- Nuh-uh.

No offense, but I think I could resist you.

So, this theory of yours, I'm curious.

You're bored.

Don't tell me what I am.

Sorry.

Forgiven.

You're religious?

Spiritual.

I believe in God, but it's not like I believe in everything that's in the Bible or anything.

What parts of it do you believe exactly?

Your theory, spill it.

I want to know.

You don't want to know.

Make me ask you again and I'm coming in there, theory or no theory.

Open that door, I raise your rent.

Okay, okay. Calm down.

I am calm.

You just stay outside.

So you won't be alone with a woman?

That's the plan.

Anywhere?

Within reason.

What does that mean?

Well, out in the open, in public, that's okay.

Anyway, it's just a small part of my theory.

Which is?

I don't believe that dating trains us to be good husbands and wives.

You know, life partners.

It just trains us to be good dates, that's it.

It trains us to be skilled in the superficial.

Who talks like that?

I do.

Dating is fun.

Seeing the smile you bring to another's face, holding hands for the first time, learning new things.

Yeah, but what do we learn?

We learn to be witty, charming, romantic.

Yes, yes, yes.

Right, but it's all icing, no cake.

It's not enough.

Nothing magical happens when you walk down the aisle.

I mean, like it or not, what we do when we're single is...

it's what we'll do when we're married.

What about sex?

What about it?

That takes practice too. No comment.

Not having sex does not make you a good husband.

No, but learning to control myself might.

I mean, I don't know if you know this, but half of all marriages experience infidelity.

I never want to be divorced.

Love should come first, not the other way around.

So do you mean sex-sex only, or any other stuff?

Eh, I'm an all or nothing guy, you know.

Your body's a temple.

You noticed.

Not even a little kissy kissy?

Just right there, 'til the wedding bells.

How long have you had this theory?

Nine years.

Yikes. That's not normal.

No. No, it's not normal.

You don't believe that there's a right person out there for each of us?

A soul mate? I don't believe our job is the looking.

It's the becoming.

Once you are the right person, when you're ready, you know?

And hopefully, God willing.

But if you don't date, how will you ever know?

Hey, I make fire.

Ah, my hero.

Bless you.

Bless you.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Anyway, that's my theory.

You asked for it.

Thanks for the enlightenment.

Hey, I know how weird it sounds.

I know making you wait out in the cold, wrapped in a blanket seems ridiculous.

But a lot of the boundaries that used to be common, that we've thrown away, are there to protect us.

We don't have to go around using each other, hurting each other.

It doesn't have to be that way.

That's all.

Good night.

Good night.

Hello?

I'm here to pick up that little rocking chair.

Oh, there she is.

Everything okay? I do okay?

Excellent job, young man.

You fixed it.

Good as new.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You have no idea.

There was a fire before I was born.

Mom was pregnant with me, you know?

You don't want to hear that old story.

No, I do.

Really?

Mm-hmm. Yes, sir.

All right, then.

This is the day the Lord has made.

I'll rejoice and be glad in it.

Thank you, Aunt Zella.

You've done this before?

Once or twice.

Uh-huh.

Inspiration, after the Greek goddess.

A message is waiting.

You're hired.

Awesome. Tonight we party then, yes?

So, tell me all about it.

Why don't you tell me all about it?

Did you bring us any of our canned tomatoes?

He forgot, Lloyd, again.

It creeps me out when you do that.

Then don't listen.

Well, I rented the upstairs, the walk-up.

No, Lloyd wants to chat about tomatoes.

To a girl.

Oh.

Oh!

Finally, I thought the old bag would never kick off.

I wonder where she keeps her valuables?

It's a miracle.

It's a miracle!

Is she a pretty girl?

Nah, let's talk about tomatoes.

How are they?

Here.

Give me your hands.

Who's first? Everybody signs.

Love, Trish.

Carol?

No, I don't sign anything.

I'll sign. I'll sign anything you got.

Hey, back off, Tarzan.

Clay Walsh?

Yeah.

Old Fashioned Clay Walsh?

That Clay Walsh?

I just rented the apartment upstairs.

What?

Has he tried to dazzle you with any of his theories yet?

Do you know him?

No. I only met him once.

He is a real trip.

Used to be quite the player, though.

Player?

Well, some of the girls that used to work for me used to date him in college.

They had quite a few stories.

Lewd stories.

But never like those DVDs that...

They might just matter most.

Pucker up and get your lips ready.

The kissing contest is next.

You better be good at it, or I'm walking.

Oh, I've got game, believe me.

I mean, there's a lot of things that the other girls have competition on me, but I mean, they better be worried about this one 'cause...

Hey there, stress boy.

Hey there, pretty girl.

Did you just flirt with me?

No.

You did.

No.

Look at that, three for a dollar.

Oh, are those coupons?

Yes.

Excuse me.

Do you mind?

sh**t the ball.

Fact.

Most people know more about someone after a job interview for delivering pizzas than they do after most dates, so...

Where do you get this stuff from?

Please, by all means, sh**t the ball.

Goodness.

You see what happens when you hurry things?

Hurry things?

You're the last person to be worrying about hurrying things.

Hurry things, you?

Our first date.

This is not a date.

You, you are so romantic.

However did you find this place?

How do you know if I'm romantic or not?

Trust me, you're not.

I like cinnamon.

Is sugarless cinnamon gum romantic?

Oh, it can be.

- What you got?

- H-O-R.

Goodness. Hurry things. Yeah, yeah.

And mama called it paralysis by analysis.

Thank you. A little louder, please.

They didn't hear you over on Hummel.

Wagon wheel pasta.

No.

Candlelight, jazz, sand between your toes, all romantic.

Wagon wheel pasta?

Not romantic.

Not everyone needs to have someone just to be...

People are different. Some people don't need to...

Yeah, of course, sure.

I do okay on my own.

What?

I do.

- Who told you that?

- Shut up, man.

Clay, you don't look happy to see me.

Who's your new friend?

- I'm Amber.

- Lisa.

- David.

I... We just ran into each other here, that's it.

Besides, man, what do I know about her?

I just want to be smart.

What do you know...?

Dude, you're so smart, you're an idiot.

Pickup on aisle .

Amber, Lisa and I are having a huge shindig.

Check this out. Two birthdays, one party.

Our birthdays are on the same day.

Me and my honey.

In fact, Clay is gonna be there, too.

Aren't you, Clay?

Tonight?

Dude, how many times are we gonna have this conversation?

Okay, all right, all right. Listen, listen.

Stop looking for a formula.

She's not what I expected.

Okay, that's great.

So you think I should...

Oh, no, I'm through. I'm done with this.

Ah!

Look at that. Huh?

See, I knew you were rubbing off on me.

There you go, son.

Ah!

I saw that.

Yeah, don't deny it.

The whole aloof, glance-across-the-room thing there.

Very nice, very nice. Subtle, mm-hmm.

Don't you need to take Cosie to driver's ed or space camp or something?

Good ideas. Honey?

Yes, dear. I'm on it. No problem.

Thank you.

Might wanna make a move, man.

Seems as if the real estate's moving pretty fast.

Who are you, my agent?

That's not a bad idea.

Hey!

Everybody.

May I have your attention, please?

Welcome again to our humble abode.

This celebration, Lisa and I, long years.

Still going strong. Getting older, as you can see.

Still living in sin.

It means so much to have you all here to share it with us.

We really appreciate it.

Hey, has everyone met Amber?

Yes, Amber, raise your hand.

Mm-hmm. Yes, yes, yes.

Amber's new here. Uh-huh.

And dig this, Clay really likes her.

I mean, a lot.

Aww, a little baby dump truck.

Aww!

Oh, man. Look at that.

Well done, Clay. Classic, man.

Thank you, sir.

I like his hat.

Only two left.

One from me to you, and one from you to me.

No, no. You first.

Taking orders.

That's right, mister.

I saw him in a restaurant last time I was in Chicago, but I was too nervous to ask for his autograph in person, so I sat and waited hours for him to finish eating.

Then I had to b*at the busboy to the table.

Not easy.

You stole a half-smoked cigar and a credit card receipt?

Oh, baby, if that's not love, I don't know what is.

It's perfect.

All right, and you, my dear.

This better be good.

What's this?

That would be an engagement ring.

You want to get married?

I figure I'll make an honest woman out of you.

I am an honest woman.

It's just an expression.

- I don't like it.

So, was that a yes?

I thought we didn't need a piece of paper to prove anything.

Well, we don't.

Listen, listen, listen.

Look, we're not kids, okay?

And some things have started to matter more to me now than they used to.

It's not about proof, baby. I know you love me.

I do.

Unfortunately.

And I love you.

And I'm not going anywhere, okay?

Paper or no paper.

I'd just love the chance to see my baby in a wedding dress.

Now that is sexy.

It's what he gives me every year.

Show off!

Hey, are we gonna have a honeymoon?

Honeymoon?

If we must.

Any thoughts, recommendations?

The ideal honeymoon?

Clay!

David.

Yes, yes, the ideal honeymoon.

What you got in mind?

You really want me to do this?

No doubt about it.

The ideal honeymoon.

Cabin in the woods, a case of bottled water, and not a single distraction from building a foundation of intimacy with my lifelong bride.

You know, I don't know if you know this, but...

That's enough.

- The percentage...

- No, no, no.

The percentage of...

- Would you just...

- Not a word!

That's what I'm talking about.

Live from the City of Angels in the heart of Hollywood and syndicated nationwide, you want him, you got him, Lucky Chucky!

You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

How true it is.

A friend of mine, we'll call him Moron, has lived with this broad for years.

Strike one. Oh, oh yeah.

Strike two, he knocked her up.

No longer content with only partial self-destruction, strike three, bingo, you guessed it, they're getting married.

What is the point in all this pain?

I am awash in ruin.

He was a friend of mine, a good friend of mine.

We were in the same fraternity in college.

I bet you didn't see that one coming.

I used to be a frat boy.

You listen to this?

Sometimes. He's hilarious.

He says women are stupid.

When there's a wedding, there's a bachelor party.

Okay, let's turn that crap off.

Sorry, Carol, didn't know you were here.

So, how was the weekend, girls?

I had me one big date.

So did Amber, with Mr. Old Fashioned.

You did? Details?

It was a birthday party. Lots of people were invited.

He didn't even invite me himself.

My theory is he's gay.

He owns an antique shop. Hello?

I don't think so.

Then he's got a disease, or some other... tiny problem.

Oh, sheesh.

You like the freak show?

For now.

Light load this week.

Love seat's solid.

Vintage.

Yeah, it needs some work, though.

Hey.

Look at that.

Got it dirt cheap.

Auction down in Eustace.

Nice, right?

Was that a car?

Is. Is a car.

It's my new hobby.

Oh, when I get done with it, you look out.

Hey, George? Yeah?

How long you been married?

Ooh, years.

How did you... know?

Know what?

Come on, man, know.

Know.

Ah, good question.

Have a seat.

- Here we go.

- Yes, we are.

- Buckle up.

We grew up together.

We went to the same grammar school, junior high, high school.

Sophomore year, she asked me to a Sadie Hawkins Day dance.

I don't wanna go, but I don't wanna hurt her feelings either, so I said yes.

It's only one night.

Well, after the dance, she decides to kiss me.

So I kiss her back.

Oh, not so good.

You know, she still can't do it right.

Point is, now I gotta date her for almost a month because I felt guilty about kissing her.

And I didn't want to make her feel cheap either, so.

So, about a month passes, and just when I am getting ready to dump her, her mom gets diagnosed with tuberculosis.

I mean, she starts freaking out, man, I mean, crying all the time, calling me.

Just didn't seem fair to break up with her then.

I mean, my people knew her people.

Then there's her birthday.

Then Valentine's.

Then senior prom. Graduation.

Then I'm .

I'm getting inducted into the army.

You want the love seat?

People like the governor and that fellow there can stop worrying.

I'm not gonna talk about them.

I'm gonna talk about us, the average guys, the John Does.

If anybody should ask you what the average John Doe is like, you couldn't tell him because he's a million and one things.

He's Mr. Big and Mr. Small.

He's simple and he's wise. He's inherently honest.

He's the man the ads are written for.

He's the feller everybody sells things to.

He's Joe Doakes, the world's greatest stooge and the world's greatest strength.

Yes, sir, we're a great family, the John Does.

We are the meek who are supposed to...

Do you care if I sit down out here?

No.

You know, I had a crazy dream last night.

It was about you.

About me?

Yeah, sure was crazy.

So, well, I got up out of bed

and I walked right through the wall here, right straight into your room.

You know how dreams are.

Why antiques?

My great aunt, Zella, her mother's mother's sister, she used to own this place.

I worked for her part-time when I went to college.

I drove by the front of some university when I first got to town.

Mm-hmm, Bolivar.

That's where David teaches. Zella, too, before she retired.

So you and David both went there?

Yeah, we did.

We had the same major for a while.

We were in the same fraternity.

You were in a frat?

I was.

I never finished college.

Seven years on and off.

I could just never seem to focus.

Everything except my language requirement.

I'm only three credits in Spanish away from a B.A. in, like, six degrees.

So, you bought this place from your great aunt when she retired?

She gave it to me.

For graduation.

That's some present.

Yeah, it is. You could say I owe her.

She still alive? Is that why you keep it?

She is, but I keep it for me.

Senior year, everything changed.

My goals, what I want out of life.

What do you want out of life?

To be decent.

That's it.

A good person.

I needed to believe my life could be different than it was.

That I could be different.

And how did you do that, frat boy?

And don't even tell me you found Jesus or something.

More like he found me.

Oh.

Really?

I know, I know, but it's the truth.

That's why I took my aunt up on her offer.

It's why I keep the shop.

It's a safe place for me.

Nothing heroic. Not very ambitious.

I guess I just wasn't destined for greatness.

I think the world has enough greatness, not enough goodness.

That's my theory.

You're doing it again.

Are you allergic to me or something?

Not you.

You're allergic to cats.

You're all fixed.

That was fast.

Are you sure?

Yes sir, my friends, the meek can only inherit the Earth when the John Does start loving their neighbors.

You better start right now.

Don't wait until the game is called on account of darkness.

Wake up, John Doe, you're the hope of the world.

John, you were wonderful.

What's this?

Allergy medicine.

And your hot chocolate.

Thanks.

You're, um...

Saving up for something?

Gas money.

That's it?

Just a jar.

That's not much of a story.

The stories, they're my favorite part of what I do.

Folks rarely drop off dusty old lamps or family portraits without telling you a story.

It's kind of like the why beneath the surface that gives those things meaning, you know?

No matter how faded or ordinary anything appears, everything has a story.

I agree.

You do?

That's why I have that.

I've lived in states so far.

I try to keep in touch with at least one person from every place I've been.

"Love is the only gold."

Tennyson. Alfred Lord Tennyson.

to .

The first time I read that I was at a high school football game.

Home game.

Red and black, school colors.

I played French horn in the marching band.

Stood behind Jeff Ferby, who, for the record, I had a major crush on.

The game was boring.

Not even close.

So I read, did homework.

Third quarter, two minutes left, snow falling from the sky, sipping on hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows, I read that.

When the jar is full, I know I have enough.

For what?

To get far enough away if I need to.

Make a fresh start.

Go where the wind takes me.

Follow the warm and fuzzies.

Life just isn't all warm fuzzies.

It's not just all rules either, religioso.

Besides, that's how I ended up here.

I hit empty on County Line Road.

You just packed everything you own into your car and started driving 'til you ran out of gas?

Now, that's a story.

My last boyfriend didn't want me to wear nail polish.

I did.

So he broke your hand?

He didn't mean to.

But he did.

No nail polish?

Sounds like something you'd come up with.

Depends on the color.

It was clear.

Yeah, I know. Funny, huh?

He was nothing like you.

My one and only fight, and I lost.

No.

He did.

He lost.

You're wearing me down, woman!

Hey!

All better.

How'd the door get off the hinges?

How come you haven't asked me out yet?

Hint, hint.

If I do, will you stop breaking things?

My rules, my way?

Okay.

This is truly such a wise choice.

Very mature.

Discerning.

So, first, let me simply affirm your prudent decision to take solemnly the idea of holy matrimony.

How long have you been engaged?

Oh, we're not.

We just met.

Oh!

"Do you regularly use or abuse dr*gs or alcohol?"

Not since college.

But I think we're supposed to go in order.

Just so you know, this is what some might call rushing it.

"Do you have any pet peeves?"

Check out these colors.

"Do you have any pet peeves?"

Just one.

That's a red.

What's wrong with planning ahead?

Next question.

"How many children would you like to have?"

One or two.

I was hoping for two or three.

That's a yellow.

Oh, isn't that beautiful?

Overpriced. "What experience do you have raising children?"

Come on! Are you experienced?

- Is this necessary?

- Smaller pieces.

No coaching.

I am so sorry.

Do the two of you think Amber and I make a good couple, or...

Sir.

Thanks, man.

Now what was all that over there?

Why you pushing her like that?

Okay, can you say hello in Chinese?

Ni.

- Ni.

- Hao.

- Hao.

- Ma.

- Ma.

- Good job!

Let's do "thank you" one more time.

Show Miss Amber. Ready?

Xiexie.

Xiexie.

You're a natural.

So, I pass?

Are you honestly this desperate?

Hey, we set a date.

Next month.

That's fast.

Eh, nothing fancy, you know?

Lisa wants to keep it small.

In fact, have it right here in the backyard.

Yeah, just a few friends coming in.

Nice.

Like Kelly.

Like Kelly or...

Flying in from Phoenix by herself.

Just got separated from her husband.

Yeah, he had a thing, some girl in his office.

They're trying to work it out, but you know how that goes.

How long have you known him?

Since college.

He dated my best friend for a while.

The two of them set David and me up.

Here we are.

What was Clay like back then?

A lot more fun.

Really?

Everybody loved him.

He had this wild kind of energy, out of control.

He used to co-host this stupid campus cable TV show with another friend of ours.

It started out as a joke sophomore year, but then it just kept getting bigger.

They started traveling, hosting spring break parties, producing DVDs.

He didn't tell you about?

Oh, they raked it in!

Built this amazing machine.

Clay had all kinds of offers from New York, Chicago, advertising.

He said no to them all.

Shut down the business.

Made a bunch of bizarre apologies.

Gave away what was left of his money.

He's not the same.

You got awful quiet.

Aren't you gonna ask me any more questions?

Nothing good happens after .

Okay.

Hey, Amber?

What?

Well, why don't you do us a favor and just decide what we do next time.

Next time?

Good night, stress boy.

Good night, pretty girl.

They're showing al the "Rocky" s on cable again.

Thanks for the warning.

Like on a loop?

- Yeah! - I hate when they do that.

- Last night, it was five.

- I don't like five.

No one likes five.

I like the one where he takes her to the zoo.

Yeah, that's the second one.

"What percentage of your annual income is appropriate to spend on a pet?"

I can see how he's got you all worked up.

Not all the questions are like that.

"Do you believe in the death penalty?"

Mmm, oh, yes!

Death penalty!

No, thanks!

Gots to have a real man.

Clay is a real man.

I haven't found one yet that I like better than a good piece of chocolate, and I've been married three times.

But I'm still looking.

He's reliable.

He's handy.

Yep.

No peeking.

Just one.

All right.

Hardware store?

Are you watching this?

Mm-hmm.

Here we go. Who's the man?

Ooh!

Oh, my!

Mr. Walsh, the world wants to know, when are you going to kiss her?

No comment?

May I?

There's only one thing that without fail, no red-blooded woman alive can resist.

Are you listening? Indifference.

Oh, spare me!

I'm sorry, did you say something?

Oh, you are so hot.

That man knows what he's talking about.

Zach, from Collegedale.

So you and David are friends with Lucky Chucky?

When I didn't wanna play frat boy anymore, he and David were the only ones that stuck around.

Everybody else walked.

He's a victim.

Please!

He's the kind of guy that's always gotten away with everything.

It's true.

But only because people let him. Is that his fault?

He's a product of the system.

That's ridiculous.

Just like I used to be.

Before you saw the light?

Yeah, became a religioso.

But you were never like that.

Hey, you're the one that wanted to turn the radio on, not me.

Let's get back to the book.

"Do you like each other's friends?"

Definitely yellow.

So, Amber says you're reliable.

Definitely yellow.

Thank you, kind sir.

Mm-hmm.

Here.

What's this?

I got you something, my lady.

You did?

Mm-hmm.

Did you wrap it yourself?

I paid extra for that.

What?

It's to help you focus.

Comprende?

I get it.

Thank you. Very thoughtful.

It's a start.

It is. Keep trying.

Hey.

So last night, it starts all over again.

Back to number one?

Running up the stairs, collecting for Gazzo.

Sure, yeah, the first one's all right.

The first one is awesome!

It's only a movie.

Thank you, ma'am.

Go ahead, take a guess.

What do you think I watched on TV last night?

Oh, I have no idea.

"Sleepless in Seattle."

Now, that's a good movie.

You're k*lling me.

Sleepless in where?

I love "Sleepless in Seattle."

- Figures.

- You don't?

- I'm allergic to cats.

- So?

Bill Pullman.

Nice guy, kind, reliable, but just because he happens to itch and get puffy red eyes and sneeze all over the place, it's okay for Meg Ryan to run off with Tom Hanks.

Oh!

The boring guy with allergies in the movies always gets dumped and it's not right and it must be stopped.

Am I boring?

In a good way.

So honest.

This coat sure has a lot of pockets.

What else you got in here?

Anything interesting?

Doubtful.

- What?

- Forgot about that.

- Can I see?

- No.

Ooh!

A checklist?

"Magnifying glass and Spanish CD."

Check. Check.

Check.

Check.

"Respect her emotions as well as her body."

Check.

How is it possible that you're not already married?

I could ask you the same question.

It's almost .

Fair enough.

If you don't mind, I'm going to use the little boys' room.

And stay out of my pockets.

Hello. Hola.

Hola.

Good morning. Buenos días.

Buenos días.

Goodbye. Adiós.

Adiós.

Buenos días, stress boy.

I'm liking my presents.

Shall we?

I can't let you get all the kicks.

Huh?

"It's easier to keep holidays than commandments,"

Benjamin Franklin.

That's true.

I definitely prefer holidays.

"Our lives begin to end the moment we remain silent about things that matter."

Who said that?

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Would you like to come over to my house tomorrow?

See where you live?

Yes, that I would like.

Make some dinner together?

Shh!

Just the two of us?

Alone?

What're you laughing at?

White picket fence?

You love it.

Clay grows tomatoes for us right around here.

He cans 'em too.

He's well-trained.

What was that?

Mind your own beeswax.

No candles?

No flowers?

I'm ashamed of you. Ashamed!

Let's pray.

Thank you.

You're blessed.

Oh, she looks so peaceful.

She's faking.

Oh, she is not.

You read all these?

Most of 'em.

Wow, I read this in the tenth grade.

So sad.

Is that a Bible?

Mm-hmm.

What parts of it do you believe exactly?

Oh, man.

Any favorites?

"Old things have passed away.

Behold, all things have become new."

That's in here?

Mm-hmm.

Who's Kelly?

Don't wanna talk about it?

It's complicated.

Kelly was my last real girlfriend.

Before all of your theories

She was a...

She was the first girl I ever actually really cared for.

She gave that to me right before we broke up.

I really don't even know why she liked me, what she saw.

She was a... you know, she wanted to wait, and I didn't.

So I hooked up with one of her good friends.

On the rebound, she started dating some other guy, got pregnant, got married.

I hurt her.

Is that what made you change?

It wasn't one big thing.

It was more like a like a lot of little things, all adding up.

You know?

And that book, that didn't help much either.

I mean, sometimes I wish I never opened it at all.

Why?

Because when I read it for myself, I couldn't make fun of it anymore.

Someone else could, but I couldn't.

I felt accountable for the first time in my life.

The first time.

And it was genuine and real.

A sense of, I don't know, like a voice or...

You hear voices?

No, I don't.

Not... it's not, like, real voices.

It's... I can't even explain it, still, even now.

It's hard to try to put it into words without sounding like a crazy person.

You are a crazy person.

Shh. Listen.

What?

You hear that?

There it is again.

It's like a whisper.

You hear it?

It's telling me something.

Oh, it is?

Ask her to go to church with you sometime.

Thank you, Aunt Zella.

You go to church?

Not much anymore.

I did.

The people there weren't perfect, so he felt out of place.

I believe that.

I just drifted away from it, that's all.

Kind of had my fill of the hypocrite show.

Well, I've never been.

So I think that you and I should go together sometime.

I'd like to experience that with you.

Why?

Good Lord, you two, both of you take me home already.

This is getting painful.

"Mercy and truth are met together.

Righteousness and peace have kissed each other."

It's just that the two of you are so different, that's all.

He's... different.

I know.

You can do so much better.

When he held my hand in that church, it felt like home.

What's better than that?

Oh, stop it.

I've been debating.

What?

Cool.

I've always wanted to be in one of those.

Why are you giving this to me?

Check out the name of the producer.

You should watch that sometime.

I don't need to. Doesn't matter.

The man who made this doesn't exist.

Never even met him.

All right, fellas, let's get to it. Limo's here.

So, when do I get to meet her, huh?

- You don't.

- Oh, she got a name?

Yeah, it's What's Her Face.

Really?

She coming to the wedding?

Could you... hey, come on, man.

We're gonna be late for our dinner reservation.

Dude, are you pretty enough yet?

Hey, bring it in here.

We're getting hungry, man, come on.

Who wants some of that good red meat?

Yeah!

Hotel security.

We're getting complaints about the noise.

Open the door.

We're just having a bachelor party.

We didn't mean to... come in, come in.

Which one of you gentlemen's the registered guest?

Well, it's the, it's the charming, handsome, intellectual black man right there.

I'm gonna need you to sit down, please.

David, sit down.

You should do what the lady says, David.

Fantastic, Brad.

David, David, don't do this.

Open that door.

- Are you kidding me?

- Open the door!

I'm not gonna open the door.

Think about Lisa and Cosie.

What?

They have nothing to do with this.

He's not hurting them.

Does anybody else have a problem with this?

No, you know what?

You know, Clay, why don't you leave and let the rest of us enjoy the interrogation.

Yeah!

That's it!

Yes!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Oh, get it! Get it!

Okay.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I can't do this. I can't.

Thank you, thank you. I can't. I'm sorry. Sorry.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.

What were you thinking, man?

Come on.

Dude, I swear I didn't know he was gonna do that.

Seriously.

I mean, all I wanted was a steak.

Get in the car.

All right, all right, all right, all right. All right.

Going for a walk.

Still my best man.

All right, brother.

- Be careful. - Yeah.

- Stay out of trouble.

- Yeah, right.

Hey. Hey!

You owe me bucks.

Oh, where are you going?

Taking your toys and going home right on cue?

Just like you always did.

So noble, so superior.

You're an inspiration to us all, and we bow before thee.

When did treating women with respect become the joke?

You wanna laugh at believing love can be something sacred?

Go ahead, laugh.

You want to know what the joke is?

Hey!

Do you have any idea how much you cost her in tips tonight?

Don't you think you ought to do something about that?

Huh?

What?

Hey!

Get off, man.

Did somebody ask for your help in there?

You think you're better than me.

My turn.

Choose.

What's it say?

"Get lost."

Start driving.

Get out.

Just me?

Go!

I'm going.

Over there?

Okay.

"How many sexual partners have you had in the past years?"

Ugh!

And it was almost a normal date.

What does that mean?

A normal date.

Oh, a normal date.

You mean where two strangers hop into bed and then try to figure out later whether or not they have anything in common.

Is that what you mean by normal?

What is with you today?

Why are you so hard on everybody?

You know, most of us are just doing our best not to feel lonely, and it isn't easy.

Do you like living by yourself?

Without anybody to...

Buy me flowers.

Make me a card.

I don't need you to make me your community service project.

I need you to dance with me.

That was okay, wasn't it?

Yes.

I know it's in you. I know it.

Flatter me.

Sweep me off my feet.

Tell me I'm the most attractive woman you've ever met.

Even if you don't mean it.

I don't care.

Lie to you?

Exactly A normal date.

I've wasted a lot of words.

I don't want to waste any more.

On me?

You're scoring all kinds of points.

It's not about scoring points.

That's right. It's about red, yellow, green.

Fine.

I've been with five. I've had sex with five men.

Heavy petted with four more, give or take.

And, oh, I was married once, for years when I was .

Happy?

What else would you like to know?

It was like I was living by myself anyway.

So one morning, when he was actually home for a change, I just walked up and set the divorce papers down in front of him, and made myself some oatmeal.

We didn't even discuss it.

Did he ever try to...

I don't wanna live back there.

And I don't want to tell you a bunch of bad things about him, so that I feel less responsible.

I can't blame him for my decision, and you can't either.

It's who I am.

I can't even remember how many girls I've been with.

Can we just get back into the car and get lost again?

Too late.

Why haven't you invited me to David and Lisa's wedding?

It's the day after tomorrow, isn't it?

You wanna go?

Do you want me to go?

I don't wanna crowd you or change you or what you believe in.

All I want is for you to tell me how I make you feel.

Can you?

How do I make you feel, Clay?

Do you feel?

Do you think about me before you go to sleep at night?

Baby, do you long for me the way I long for you?

Don't you wish you could just turn your head on your pillow and see me looking back at you?

I need to know that you want me.

I need to know that. It's important to me.

Please.

Very nice.

Come on, you show me.

That's it, that's it, that's it.

You having fun?

You having fun?

Come on, show me.

Olly, olly, oxen free!

You look terrible.

What are you doing to that poor love seat?

I'm fixing it.

Obviously.

Love your work.

Hey, you want to come look at some other priceless antiquities you can fix?

Got a two-for-one special on nightstands.

Oh, and a sledge hammer for free.

Yeah, they're great.

Come on.

Do you love this girl?

Do you?

If you do, life's too short.

And if you don't, life's too short.

That's all I got for you.

But if it doesn't work out, give me her number.

Did you tell him about that?

No, you're right. We're too different.

You can't quit.

When things get messy, I move on.

That's what I do. I'm really good at it.

Well, what happens when there's no place to move on to?

The world is pretty big.

And it's pretty messy too.

Everywhere.

Bartender!

Now we can do this every night.

Wait, don't leave.

I'm going to go get something to cheer you up.

Don't go anywhere.

I think I found you something interesting.

Looks fun.

Hi.

Am I the most attractive woman you've ever met?

Sure.

You allergic to cats?

Trish, have you seen Amber?

You just missed her.

Do you know where she went?

No!

But I saw who she left with.

And you know what?

Didn't look reliable.

Kelly.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

Can I come in?

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. Just be with me now.

No answer?

Come on, man.

He has the rings. Where is he at?

Oh, he's probably just double checking your wedding vows for theological errors or something.

Making sure your ceremony is up to his standards without stain or blemish.

Okay, all right, Brad. Just let him live his own life.

No, I'm sick of it, all right?

He's gonna crash and burn soon.

And I just hope I'm there to see it.

You're gonna be late.

I was pretty stupid last night.

Thanks, for not...

And so, before these witnesses, those that love you and vow to sustain you both in your public commitment to one another, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

"Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."

Clay?

Are you there?

Open up.

Please open this door.

Please.

I don't want normal.

I want you.

I wasn't able to appreciate...

You know what I did on my honeymoon?

I cried myself to sleep trying to figure out why my brand-new husband was more interested in watching on the hotel TV than touching me.

And that's not your fault.

Why did you let her in?

That was Bible girl, wasn't it?

Was anyone else here in the house?

No.

You were alone together?

Just for a moment.

I saw her leaving in the morning.

Did she stay the night?

What's so funny?

I was sleeping in my truck.

Why didn't you come after me?

I have a theory.

Maybe love doesn't have to be perfect to still be worth it.

And maybe you don't have to be perfect for me to...

You don't know all the things I've done.

I know more than you think.

I'm not sure if I should be with anybody at all.

Why didn't you come after me?

I did.

I ran into Trish.

She told me you hooked up with some guy.

Who?

I don't know his name.

I never even asked.

What'd you do?

Ouch.

Amber...

You know, I came here.

I came here ready to forgive you, no matter what.

I mean, that's what I'm supposed to do, right?

Isn't that the whole idea?

Isn't that the good news?

You make it sound so easy.

You make it sound impossible.

If I had betrayed everything I said I believe...

God forbid you made a mistake!

You fell.

You got it wrong.

What do you think I did?

You tell me.

Nothing.

Nothing happened with that guy, Clay.

We went back to his hotel room, and he opened the door, and I just stood there staring at my feet.

I couldn't.

Something was different.

"Behold, all things have become new."

All right, all right. Welcome back, kiddies.

Live in the flesh, here I am, the Zen master of what you want, when you want it.

Now, where was I?

Oh, that's right.

The rest of my crazy hot chickapoo at the wedding story from time recently served in flyover country.

Yes, sir.

I did my duty.

But as I was saying earlier, it wasn't meant to be.

She never even uttered a single word.

Just turned a complete , walked out of my life forever.

Nothing but a tease.

And I thought we had something special.

So what else could I do?

After facing such rejection, I did the only thing any respectable man could do.

I went down to the hotel bar to try to redeem myself, find some lonely, insecure, last-call-for-alcohol mama to help me tend to my wounds, help me forget my recent and catastrophic loss.

But instead, I found nothing.

She found me.

Do you want the details?

Yeah, you do.

Do you want me to play Show and Tell and share my goodies with the rest of the class?

Is that what you want? Is it?Is it?

She believed in me.

In you?

If you don't chase after that girl, you're nowhere near the person we thought you were.

Exactly.

I'm damaged goods.

She's better off.

I mean, I don't even deserve...

My Lord, if you were any more self-absorbed, you would be a dot.

So you agree?

I should be alone.

Mm-hmm, probably.

Oh, I'd like to wring your neck.

Look at you, the high and mighty.

You expect the whole world to stand up and do the wave for you, give you a trophy for being good, and if they don't?

So help me, if you lock yourself away for another years, you think that'll make you holy?

I wish I...

I, I, I, I, I.

Stop twisting it.

Wake up.

Get over yourself, you and your pain.

Stop using the grace of God as a brick wall.

Do you get this upset over children starving?

Over anyone else's suffering?

I admire you so much.

In all my years, I've never known anyone work as hard at being good.

Define "good."

There is no goodness without mercy.

There is no virtue without forgiveness.

And I'm not talking about Amber forgiving you, or you forgiving Amber.

None of this is about any of that.

The way you carry ancient, crusty, useless guilt like a trained pet poodle you want to show off, like an excuse.

Let it go.

What are you waiting for? How long?

You are loved.

You are so loved.

Oh, my child, you are.

Listen to me, Clay.

Enough!

We never arrive fully this side of heaven.

You could remain hidden in that house of yours for years, never see another face.

What a shame that would be!

Well, you would miss sharing it with a whole bunch of other confused nitwits, some of whom inexplicably care about you a great deal.

Playtime is over.

Be a man.

This is the day the Lord has made.

"As the morning sun longs to break free of the horizon, "I long for you.

"I really mean it, baby!

Clay Walsh."

You are so cheesy.

Come on!

Your chariot awaits.

One second.

Courtesy of one Mr. Clay Walsh.

Thank you.

You look so beautiful.

Have fun.

Oh!

Take your shoes off.

Hey there, pretty girl.

Hey there, stress boy.

I love you.

Say it again.

I love you.

The baby food aisle?

A little on the nose?

Very romantic.

I love you too.

Te amo.

Yes!

You're supposed to...

Yes!

It won't be easy.

Yes.