06x26 - Henny Penny - Straight, No Chaser

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Oh my gosh.

It's only one week till spring break?

And I have so much to do.

I have to get new T-shirts for the wet T-shirt contest...

You know, I'm actually looking forward to spring break this year.

College kids.

America's best and brightest are coming to town.

It'll be nice to get mooned again.

It's more than that, Ma.

I'm talking about my school's project to get kids to read during spring vacation.

We're putting on a series of plays based on favorite children's stories.

And guess what.

I have just been made producer of the first-grade production.

This is all you have, Dorothy, so I'm going to be happy for you.

No, you know, I'm really excited about this.

We're doing Henny Penny.

You know, "Help, help!

The sky is falling." Oh, that was never one of my favorites.

There's no prince in it.

I like a fairy tale with a nice prince in it.

A handsome prince with a big ol' codpiece and deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles rippling beneath his tunic.

Blanche, you could get aroused by "Humpty Dumpty." Are you kiddin'?

"All the king's horses and all the king's men." Handsome men with deep dark eyes and powerful thighs and muscles and big ol' codpieces.

Blanche, how do you make it through an omelet?

78.

Yes.

64.

Yes!

81.

Yes!

Ma, what are you doing?

Reading the obituaries and checking out the people who d*ed younger than I am now.

83.

Close one.

68.

Whoa!

What is it?

You.

What about me?

You're dead.

Say what?

I told you.

You're dead.

You must be.

It says so in the paper.

"Blanche Devereaux.

Age 68." (gasps)

68?

Oh, that's terrible.

They're almost as far off on your age as you are.

I wonder how this could've happened.

I know how it happened, 'cause I know who took that picture.

Chugger Dietz, the obituary editor.

I never dreamed when I dropped him he'd be so vindictive.

68.

Can you believe that?

68?

And dead.

Don't forget dead.

I'm going down to that newspaper this minute.

Not only am I gonna get Chugger fired, if I hurry I can get 'em to print a retraction in this afternoon's edition.

68.

And dead.

What are people gonna think?

They'll think it's time to elect a new town slut.

Mail call.

Ah, Ma.

Here's a letter for you from Palermo.

Oh, it's the latest chess move from my old rival Serafina Gambrotsi.

Ma, how long has this chess game by mail been going on?

What, it must be ten years now, huh?

And it's going to keep on going until I b*at Serafina at something.

What are you talking about?

Picture it.

Sicily, 1920.

Serafina and I were both crazy about Marco the Goat Boy.

In appearance, an Adonis.

In behavior, horny as a toad.

Little did I know he had a thing for hairy fat girls.

If I were fatter and hairier, Dorothy, Marco the Goat Boy could've been your father.

I think we all grieve.

Ma, that was 70 years ago.

I was sure you'd forgotten.

I forget nothing.

So, any mail?

(doorbell rings)

Oh, Frank.

Come on in.

Ma, Frank Nann.

Frank, my mother.

Hello, Frank.

Ma, Frank is directing the production of Henny Penny.

Not anymore I'm not.

One of the kids in the play came down with the measles.

Because the audience is going to be children, too, the entire cast has been quarantined.

Oh, what are we gonna do?

I guess we'll have to cancel.

Oh, no, we can't cancel.

First grade is when kids take an interest in reading.

Why can't we recast it with adults?

Where are we going to find an adult with the childlike naiveté to play Henny Penny?

Hi.

Oh, you're not gonna believe it.

I just saw a cloud that looked exactly like a cotton ball.

My God, she is Henny Penny.

I beg your pardon?

Frank Nann, Rose Nylund.

Rose, my entire cast has been quarantined.

We're in a real bind.

How would you like to play Henny Penny?

Well, I have enjoyed playing a hen in the past.

Oh, fill us in.

Parade, honeymoon or religious ceremony?

Theater.

The St.

Olaf Masquers' production of Hamlet.

I don't right off recall a hen in Hamlet.

Oh, we set the play in a barnyard.

Luckily the symphony was out of town at the time.

Can I take it then that you will play Henny Penny?

I'm your chicken.

Great, I'll set the oven for 425.

Well, Frank Nann.

I haven't seen you since that weekend in Pensacola.

Goosey Loosey.

That's right.

We did have fun, Squeezy Wheezy.

No, no, I mean you'd be perfect for the part of Goosey Loosey.

We've had to recast Henny Penny.

I'm playing Henny.

Oh, and Frank's directing?

Oh, what fun!

I would love to.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Then all we have to do is just order the costumes and change a few lines so that it makes sense that the two of you are playing those characters.

Now, listen, Dorothy, since both of your housemates are going to be in the play, why don't you play Turkey Lurkey?

Oh come on.

No, no, no.

No, that's out of the question.

Why?

You'd be perfect.

"Turkey Lurkey" was your nickname in high school.

Ma, it was not.

Really?

That's what they called you at the PTA.

Come on, Dorothy.

It'll be fun.

Yeah, come on.

Be a trouper.

Well, I did once do a production of Showboat in high school, and everyone said I was pretty good.

No one can sing "Old Man River" like my Dorothy.

Then you're saying you'll do it?

Well, it is my production, and as they say, "The show must go on." Aw, Pussycat.

It'll be like the old days.

Come on, just one more time.

♪ Get a little drunk ♪ And you land in jail ♪ I still got it.

Yes!

I've got that tub of guts where I want her.

My queen's knight att*cks her king.

Banzai!

Ma, how did two Sicilian peasant girls ever become interested in chess?

Chess is like w*r, only cheaper.

It's the perfect game for Sicily, a country very warlike and dead-ass broke.

Well, they printed the retraction.

Let me see it.

I can't find it.

Of course you can't.

It's way down at the bottom in itty-bitty type.

"Our ad in yesterday's paper should have read 'Sit Well Cortisone Salve Prevents Hemorrhoids, ' not 'Presents Hemorrhoids.'" Below that.

Oh, nobody's ever gonna even see it.

Everybody's gonna still think I'm 68.

And dead.

Why does she keep forgetting dead?

This is horrible.

As Big Daddy used to say, "I'm feeling lower than the rent on a burnin' building." That's funny.

I used to live in a burning building.

And it was cheap.

It was Charlie's and my first house.

Well, scoff if you must, but it was warm and toasty.

I'll never forget Charlie throwing me over his shoulder and dashing across the threshold.

Oh, it was a beautiful place.

Three bedrooms, two baths.

Then two bedrooms and one bath.

Eventually, we outgrew the place.

Rose, come on now.

You haven't said a word since we left rehearsal.

Nobody told me Henny Penny ended that way.

Nobody told me it was a tragedy.

Rose, you've been rehearsing for three days.

Why are you makin' a scene now?

Well, that was the first time we rehearsed the ending.

I didn't know that Turkey and Henny and Goosey were all eaten by Foxy Loxy.

Oh, the humanity.

Rose, you mean you didn't even look at the end of the play until today?

If there's one thing I remember about my wedding night, it's Charlie telling me it's impolite to peek.

Rose, the play isn't real.

It's a fairy tale.

Not all stories end happily, and children have to learn that.

You call yourself a teacher?

It's people like you who are responsible for all the evil on this planet.

I guess I had that coming.

I'm not gonna stand by and see innocent children exposed to that horror story of unprovoked v*olence and ghastly death.

Rose, the play goes on in two days.

Well, I can't do this.

You're just gonna have to get yourself another Henny Penny.

Rose, honey, there's no reason to be upset about Henny Penny.

Fairy tales just show kids how complicated life can be, and it does it on their terms.

I remember when I first read Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, it had a profound influence on me.

Seven lonely men...

livin' in the woods, needin' a woman.

All of 'em with Napoleon complexes, somethin' to prove.

And jobs, Blanche.

They all had jobs.

In a diamond mine.

All I'm trying to say is we had fairy tales in St.

Olaf that weren't violent, and they had positive role models.

Like Gus and the Recliner...

Gunilla Gets a Catalog, and Ilsa, the Girl Who Could Make Bad Food Good.

Look, Rose, if you don't do the part, there won't be any play.

Now, this is a project that I care about deeply, but I don't want you doing it for my sake, Rose.

Do it for the kids.

It's a chance to get them reading.

All right, all right, I'll do it.

And not just for the kids.

I just feel it's time I gave something back to the chicken community.

After all, a chicken once saved my life.

They are the stupidest birds.

Any mail for me?

Mm, no.

No condolence cards?

Well, where's the outpouring of grief from all the many, many men whose lives I have left barren and empty?

Maybe they just don't know you by your real name.

Well, here it is!

Serafina's next chess move.

Perfect.

I already know my next move.

And when Serafina sees it, her hair will fall out, her heart will stop, her eyes will burn like a thousand red-hot suns.

(cackles)

Ma, why do you keep playing this game if you hate her so much?

To relax.

(doorbell rings)

Flowers for Blanche Deverucks.

No, that's "Devereaux." It's only pronounced "Deverucks" in limericks.

Well, Blanche, here you are.

You say nobody cares about you?

What do you say now?

Oh!

From Mel Bushman.

Good ol' Mel.

The only person I can always count on.

"Dear Blanche, when I heard of your death, "it made me realize you don't know what you have till you've lost it.

So I'm back with my ex-wife.

Love, Mel." Now that is the most insensitive thing I have ever heard.

"P.S.

Sorry I missed your birthday.

Happy 68th." It doesn't say that.

I know.

I made that part up.

Ma, why are you always trying to aggravate everyone?

To relax.

(♪ piano)

(children cheering)

"Once upon a time "on a beautiful spring day, "Henny Penny was waking up from a nap under an oak tree "when an acorn fell from the tree and hit her on the head." Funny, when I was a little girl in Sicily and they told this story, it was a safe that fell on her head.

"Anyway, Henny Penny being a chicken, "not the brightest bird in the world, immediately jumped to the wrong conclusion." Oh, dear.

♪ A piece of blue sky just fell on my head ♪ The wherefore and why is best left unsaid ♪ But I have a hunch and it's appalling ♪ That like it or not, the sky is falling ♪ "Henny decided to take action." I should go and warn the king!

"And off she went.

"On her way, Henny came upon Goosey Loosey..." "one of the most popular birds in the barnyard." The most popular.

And the eighth graders are seeing a play today about how to be that popular safely.

Well, Henny Penny, I do declare, honey, where are you rushing off to?

The sky is falling.

I'm off to warn the king.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

I don't need something to hit me in the head in order to get the message.

Actually, in this case, it did hit me in the head.

Oh, dear!

♪ A piece of up there just landed down here ♪ You better beware, the message is clear ♪ Though millions may find the prospect galling ♪ It's run for your life, the sky is falling ♪ This is terrible.

I think we best both go warn the king.

"And off they went.

"On their way, Henny Penny "and Goosey Loosey came upon Turkey Lurkey." Yes, poor lonely Turkey Lurkey.

Poor dateless, hopeless, self-basting - Ma!

And where are you two featherheads fluttering off to?

Terrible news.

The sky is falling!

What?!

A piece of it hit me in the head.

Are you sure?

Doesn't she act as if something hit her in the head?

We're off to warn the king.

Oh, dear!

♪ A piece of blue sky just did what they said ♪ Don't stand there and sigh ♪ Get under the bed ♪ Don't stop to complain, it's no good grumbling ♪ 'Cause this isn't rain, the sky is crumbling ♪ Oh, this is terrible news.

I think we best all go warn the king.

"And off they went." "On their way, Henny Penny, Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey came upon Foxy Loxy." Ladies, ladies, why are you in such a hurry?

Stop and smell the flowers.

We can't.

The sky is falling.

Run that by me once again?

Ohh.

♪ A piece of blue sky

♪ Just fell on her head ♪ Just fell on my head

♪ The wherefore and why are best left unsaid

♪ But we have a hunch, and it's appalling

♪ That like it or not, the sky is falling ♪

Help!

♪ Disaster is near Help!

♪ We're tremblin' with fear Help.

♪ The outlook is drear

♪ We're dreadin' Armageddon may disrupt our career

♪ And though he may refuse the news we bring

♪ We must fly and try to warn the king ♪

(applause)

This is terrible news indeed.

But it is good luck for all of us that we ran into each other.

It so happens I know a shortcut to the palace.

Really?

Yes.

Through my den.

There's a service entrance in the rear.

Oh, thank you...

Thank you so much.

We'll never forget this.

You're right.

I lied.

There is no service entrance.

♪ A piece of good luck just fell in my lap

♪ Three strangers who cluck, well, it's their mishap

♪ These friends who dropped in don't look suspicious

♪ But check out my grin, they look delicious

♪ To me these feathered fools are so much meat

♪ I and mine shall dine ♪ Bon appétit ♪

(laughing)

(applause)

"And from that day to this, "Turkey Lurkey, Goosey Loosey and Henny Penny were never seen -"

Stop!

Children, kids, it's up to you.

I mean, if you want to save us and not have us eaten by Foxy Loxy, applaud.

I mean it!

I mean, clap now if you want to see the goose and the chicken and the turkey live.

Come on, put your little hands together.

Save us, and you won't have bad dreams.

Clap, you miserable - Come on, Henny, let's get it over with.

But what about their bad dreams?

Let's go.

Come on.

Fine.

But I just want you all to know there are monsters living under all your beds.

Uh-oh.

I don't think Serafina's a worthy opponent for me anymore.

Why not, Sophia?

I'm afraid she's losing it.

I just got her next chess move.

She bid four spades.

Well, the reviews are finally in.

And according to the elementary school paper, the show was a big hit.

They have their own newspaper?

How cute.

Read it, Dorothy.

"I saw the play yesterday.

It was good.

"It was called Henny Penny.

The actors were good, especially Turkey Lurkey." "And the others were good, too.

My friends and I all liked it." See, Dorothy?

I knew my ending wouldn't hurt the play.

Oh, no, the show was a big success.

In fact the library's been busier than ever.

The kids are really getting excited about reading.

Where's Blanche?

She should see this review.

Oh, yes, and I hope it makes her feel better.

I've been worried about her.

Ever since she got those flowers from Mel Bushman, she hasn't been herself.

Well, I'm off to the Rusty Anchor.

Spring break comes but once a year.