07x05 - Where's Charlie?

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

Dorothy, it's past your bedtime.

Ma, I'm 60 years old.

I can stay up as late as I want.

No, we said when you're 65 you can stay up as late as you want.

Now, what are you doing?

Well, if you must know, I'm writing a letter to Pop.

The same Pop who d*ed 17 years ago?

That's right.

There's nothing sadder than your daughter losing it before you do.

Look, Ma, I'm not gonna mail it.

I just read somewhere that you can settle your feelings about someone even after they're gone, and there were a lot of things I never told Pop while he was alive.

I never even got to say goodbye.

So, I'm getting all this stored-up emotion out in a letter.

Good idea, pussycat.

I'm gonna write one to Mario Lanza.

Oh, I would like you all to meet Stevie.

I'm gonna be coachin' him.

He's a professional baseball player.

Oh, you got Blanche's number from the wall in the dugout?

Yes, ma'am.

And it sure was right.

I am having a good time.

Well, thank you, Stevie.

Now, here's the vitamins.

Take them when you get up.

Oh, but sometimes I get up at 4:00 a.m.

to...

Well, you know.

I know.

Boy, do I know.

Yeah, but I'm sure afterwards Stevie doesn't yell, "Help!

Come get me.

My feet are asleep." You better be gettin' to bed, darlin', you're in trainin'.

Oh, wait a minute, almost forgot.

I want you to put this lingerie on under your uniform for battin' practice.

I know you said you'd help my game, but do you think this will work?

Yes.

I can't wear this.

Do you have any idea the kind of teasing that goes on in a locker room?

Yes.

Now, look, you have to discover the sensuality of baseball.

There're just many, many, many similarities between baseball and makin' love.

The mental preparation, the rush of adrenalin, the unspecified duration of the game.

And you should hear the cheers coming from Blanche's room on Old-Timers' Day.

It's nice meeting you.

See you tomorrow.

Bye.

Now, wait a minute.

You're a coaching a baseball player by letting him wear your underwear?

Didn't I see this movie?

A woman helps a handsome ballplayer and he goes off to live with the Indians.

What was it called?

Dances with Bulls?

Ma, you're confusing Bull Durham with Dances with Wolves.

Ah, what's the difference?

You get to see Kevin Costner's buns in both of them.

Well, maybe I can't teach Stevie anything about the game, but I can encourage him and give him a sh*t of self-esteem.

Some people are great artists, some are great musicians.

I have but one talent.

Oh!

Oh!

I know.

Come on, Ma, too easy.

That's what I was gonna say.

My talent is molding men.

And I'm not doin' this just for myself, I'm doin' it for baseball.

For the fans.

The community expects somethin' of me.

Oh!

Oh!

I know!

Oh, thanks for a wonderful evening.

It's not many men who'll take a girl shopping.

Well, it's not every woman who likes to shop for bait.

Well, sweetheart, I had a wonderful time.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, wait minute.

Wait a minute.

What's this in my pocket?

That line didn't work last night, and it's not gonna work tonight.

Ta-da!

Come on, put it on.

Oh, it's beautiful.

The stone goes on top, Rose.

Oh, it is beautiful!

But before I wear this, Miles, I have to know what it means.

Well, it's a friendship ring, like Abbott might have given to Costello.

I love it.

So, now we're a dead comedy team?

What?

It's that sense of humor.

Oh, that's why I buy you jewelry.

Good night, good buddy.

No, no, Rose.

It's more than just a friendship ring.

It's...

It's just that I want my ring on my girl.

Are you saying what I think you're saying?

What do you think I'm saying?

Well, I think you're saying, you want your ring on your girl.

Yes.

Hi, everyone.

If I seem a little giddy, it's because...

Look what Miles gave me.

Liver spots?

No, the ring.

You know what it is?

Well, it's not an engagement ring, but it's more than a friendship ring.

It's a...

It's a...

Isn't it pretty?

Much nicer than Abbott would have given to Costello.

Rose, the light bulb goes on every time.

Doesn't mean someone's living there.

It's Charlie.

It's Charlie.

He's trying to contact me from beyond the grave.

It's a miracle!

Look closely, Rose.

It's Mrs. Butterworth's.

I think you'd better sit down.

Before he d*ed, Charlie and I agreed that if he ever wanted to tell me something from the other side, we'd have a signal.

All the cantaloupe would be on one side of the fruit salad.

See, Charlie liked to eat each type of fruit separately.

He hated it when they were all mixed together.

Then why did you make fruit salad?

That was an argument we must have had about a million times.

But he hated cantaloupe.

He said he'd rather be dead than eat cantaloupe.

Hence, the signal.

Dorothy, it's a miracle.

But why would he try to contact me now?

Oh, my God, it's the ring that Miles gave me.

Oh, Charlie doesn't want me belonging to another man.

Blanche, just out of curiosity, why don't you check the fruit salad?

No way.

I'm not goin' anywhere near that refrigerator.

Wow, two miracles in one day.

I'm sorry, girls, I couldn't get to sleep.

I just had to see it once more.

Where's my cantaloupe?

Where's my miracle?

I'm an old lady.

I need fruit.

Ah, girls, what a great night.

Stevie went three for four.

Oh, you were at the game?

There was a game?

That man just makes me feel so young.

Like I was back in high school again.

Remember?

Remember how you used to feel when your boyfriend was star of the football team?

Oh, look who I'm talkin' to!

My Dorothy knew the star of the football team very well.

In fact, she was the head cheerleader.

Head cheerleader, listen to me.

She was the mascot.

They put her in a bear suit with pom-poms.

Do the growl, pussycat.

Come on, do the growl.

Ma.

That's it.

That's it.

No, it so happens I was their good luck charm.

They won a lot of games with me in that suit.

Sure, the other team was always afraid we'd send in the bear.

God, you gave me a lot of laughs.

Ma.

That's it.

Oh, stop it.

Stop it.

Well, then you know what I mean about bein' around athletes.

It's fun.

And you know what they call them?

Jocks.

Isn't that simply delicious?

Blanche, I don't think this is gonna work.

Come on, you don't know anything about baseball.

You're just misleading this guy.

Oh, you're just jealous because I have a healthy sex life and all you have is your mother.

Dorothy would rather have me than a healthy sex life.

Right, Dorothy?

Right.

Not!

That's how you talk to your mother?

Put that in the letter to your father.

How sassy you've gotten since menopause.

You haven't mailed that letter to your father yet?

Once more, I am not going to mail it.

I am just writing this to get the anger out of my system.

You know, I know Pop loved me, but why did he always make promises to me that he never kept?

Do you know how that affects a little girl?

Like the time he promised me he was gonna take me to his work and introduce me to his boss and show me around to all his friends.

When he didn't, well, I just...

I felt like there was something wrong with me, like...

Like he wasn't proud of me.

He was proud of you.

I remember him saying, "Anyone would want a daughter like this." Of course, he was saying it to the gypsies.

Look, I don't have to listen to this.

Have you any idea how it makes me feel when you say things like that?

No.

After I'm dead, drop me a note.

Boy, Charlie must really be upset about me accepting Miles' ring.

Oh, God, if I could just talk to him one more time.

I would give every last cent I have.

Wait, Rose.

What, Sophia?

It's not Sophia.

It's Charlie.

I'm in the old lady's body.

Come on, Sophia, you're full of...

Fruit salad.

Charlie?

Charlie, I want to believe it's you.

Tell me something that only the two of us would know.

Don't take any wooden nickels.

Oh, my God, it is you!

Why have you come back now?

To tell you to open your heart and your pocketbook.

Give the old lady money.

Make it a $20.

I will, but there's something I have to know.

How do you feel about the ring Miles gave me?

Uh, how do you think I feel?

You must be pretty upset about it to come back from the beyond.

Okay, that works.

I have to go, Rose.

Goodbye, my love.

What happened?

Why am I standing?

When can I get that $20?

Sophia, the most amazing thing happened.

Charlie was here, in your body.

Really?

If I had known he was coming, I would have tidied up a bit.

Miles?

It's me.

Miles, this isn't easy.

I...

I...

I've come to a decision.

I can't keep the ring.

Oh, Rose, Miles called earlier.

Oh, he must have gotten the ring.

I sent it back.

Honey, what happened?

You were so happy about him yesterday.

But that was before I talked to Charlie.

What are you talking about?

Well, I heard Charlie's voice coming out of Sophia.

He wanted me to give the ring back.

You're a horrible little person.

Come on, like you never pretended to be possessed by somebody's dead husband for a couple of laughs.

You know, you have really ruined Rose's relationship with Miles.

If you could have seen her face when I talked like Charlie.

I almost wet myself.

Listen, you vindictive little sea monkey, you are going to tell Rose the truth.

Or?

Remember Shady Pines?

Yeah, it wasn't so bad.

I hear they sold it to some Germans.

Rose?

Rose, sweetheart?

Rose?

You're getting better all the time.

You know, with those two hits in last night's game, your battin' average is up over .300 now.

Yeah, but on that last swing, I...

I think I tore my camisole.

Well, why don't we head for the showers?

You wash and I'll dry.

Well, that might be a problem.

See, Blanche, there's something I gotta tell you.

But first I want you to know, you've changed my life.

And no matter where I am, I'll never forget you.

Why does this sound like a goodbye speech?

Well, I'm leaving for Japan.

A team there made me an offer.

Made you an offer?

Well, what about us?

Blanche, this is the way baseball works.

It's time for me to move on.

But we make such a great team.

We've had some good times, but I gotta do this.

Fine.

Fine.

You gotta move on?

Move on.

But let me tell you somethin', mister, I haven't taught you half of what I know.

And I wasn't even wearin' underwear.

Oh, I hate men.

Stevie's leavin' me.

For another woman?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

He's leaving me for Tokyo.

Oh, sweetheart.

I'm sorry.

What's going on?

Oh, Stevie's leaving Blanche for Tokyo, Rose.

Well, I can understand that.

She is a big radio personality.

Well, I would stay and talk...

I have a lot of big problems of my own.

I'd share them with you, but I don't want to bore you.

Thank you.

Blanche, Rose is going through a very hard time.

But I think there's something that's gonna make her feel much better.

Ma, don't you have something to say?

Yeah.

How come when your head moves, your hair doesn't?

Ma, that's a question.

Granted, a very good question, but we're looking for a statement.

All right.

All right.

Charlie wasn't here.

It was me.

I was playing a little joke on you.

Hello, Rose.

One second, Charlie.

What do you mean it wasn't you, Sophia?

Rose, Ma was playing a very mean trick on you.

Although now I can see the temptation.

I'm sorry, Rose, it was a bad joke, and I didn't realize what it was doing to you.

Bad joke?

It wasn't a joke at all.

You mocked my relationship with Charlie, and you've ruined my friendship with Miles.

How can you be so cruel?

Rose, we have to talk.

Forget it, Sophia.

I'm not talking to you.

What you did is the worst thing you've ever done to me.

Oh, come on.

Worse than the time I buried you up to your neck in sand and let the children throw baseballs at you for 25 cents?

Well, I can't hold that against you.

That was for charity.

Yeah, right, charity.

Forget it, Sophia.

Impersonating Charlie was horrible.

Okay, I made a mistake.

But not as big as the one you'll make if you don't get back with Miles.

Look, Charlie loved you for over 30 years.

But he's gone now, and you've met someone you really care about.

What do you think Charlie would say?

I think he'd say he loves me.

And what about the ring?

He'd probably say it was okay to wear Miles' ring because Miles can love me in a way that he can't right now.

There you go, Rose.

That must be Miles.

I told him to come over so I could explain.

You, uh, said you wanted to see me?

Yes, Miles.

I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused.

Although I love you very much, I...

I was scared of commitment.

I guess, in a way, I...

I wanted to believe that Charlie was trying to contact me.

Oh, sweetheart, there's nothing to be scared of.

When you're ready to wear the ring, you know it's right here in my pocket.

I'm ready to wear the ring.

It's right here in my pocket.

Come on, Rose, it's right here in my pocket...

Oh, Sophia!

Uh...

Hey, I didn't see her sitting there.

Oh, Miles.

Get it while you're young, baby.

Hey, Rose, come on.

Let's go.

I've got a great idea.

You ever watch that romantic cruise that leaves at 6:00 p.m from the pier?

Oh, Miles!

Let's go watch it again.

Well, I finally finished my letter.

I got everything down, every little hurt out.

This is to me.

I found out during the process that Pop was a pretty good father.

But I never really told him I loved him, so I want to make sure I tell you.

Oh, pussycat.

"Dear Ma.

"Thanks for giving me life and thanks for making it good.

"I love you." And I love you, too, pussycat.

And I love you, too.

And I'm glad you're my mom.

And I'm glad you're my baby.

That's probably the schmaltz police.

Oh, no.

This is too funny.

Blanche!

Stevie?

What happened to you?

Blanche, honey, what's happened to me is the most wonderful thing that could happen to a man, and it's all because of you.

For the first time in my life, I'm batting .310, and I like myself.

Oh, Blanche, you really know how to mold a man.

He comes in Steve and goes out Eydie.

Listen, I thought about what you were saying, and going to Japan is not worth losing you.

You and me, Blanche, we are a team.

This is too funny.

I don't have to leave the country.

With you coaching me, I can make the big leagues right here.

And we'll still have each other.

What do you say we go out and celebrate, huh?

I'm sorry, Stevie, but I cannot go out with you tonight.

It's the dress, isn't it?

It's not the dress.

Well, you were ready to write me off yesterday.

Now coming back here cannot take away all the pain and hurt that I felt.

No, I cannot forgive you.

I...

Goodbye, Stevie.

Wait!

It was the dress.