02x04 - Day 429

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

JAY:A.B.C.

Avoid. Barricade. Confront.

If there is an active sh**t situation, your first line of defense is A, avoid the gunman.

[LOUD BANG] [GASPING]

Hey. Where do you guys want this?

What is that? Alcohol.

Office at the end of the hall on the right.

Thanks. You hear a g*nsh*t.

You look out into the hall. You see a man with a g*n.

Could be the sh**t. Could be building security.

You may think you know what's going on, but you don't. Not yet.

That's why you avoid. LIZ: [OVER SPEAKER] Wait!

[LIZ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY, STATIC]

Uh... uh, we couldn't hear that, Liz.

Where are you? I'm in the car.

I had to take my son to a doctor's appointment.

Because I have ADHD! [CHUCKLES]

Yes. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Uh, Liz, why don't you, uh... [STATIC] I'm s... I couldn't hear that.

Okay. All right, we've got bad reception.

I'll be in in a minute.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS] Mr. Coulson.

Adios, amigos. What's going on?

I just came to say goodbye to the kids.

Goodbye? Why? Didn't you get my note?

I was let go. When? What happened?

Last Friday. It was an administrative decision. That's all I know.

Well, that's awful. But I'm glad I got to see you.

You be good for Ms. Weiss, okay, man?

Ms. Weiss from the library? [GROANS]

Mr. Coulson, we need you to leave the premises.

Okay. Take care, Malcolm.

[ELEVATOR DINGS] Yes, I just want you to know that... that he's one of Malcolm's favorite teachers.

And Malcolm isn't always the easiest kid to handle.

Unfortunately, it's against school policy to comment on personnel matters.

And this will probably be adjudicated.

If you change your mind, here's our card.

It's not about changing my mind.

What, he's appealing? Yes, it's the right of every tenured teacher.

His arbitration is this afternoon.

What I find unfortunate, Ms. DuPont, is that Mr. Coulson is one of your few teachers of color at the school.

That has nothing to do with any of this, ma'am.

Our push for diversity is renowned.

Yes, I've heard of your push quite a bit at all the school assemblies.

I have a feeling that, uh, we'll be in touch.

How long do you think it will take you?

I wouldn't go anywhere.

Jay, you have a minute?

Uh... sure. Listen, I need some information about an arbitration that's happening.

Actually, can it wait till this afternoon?

No, no. Lucca just grabbed me.

The arbitration is this afternoon... -lcan doit.

Uh, no, I...

Uh, no, that's okay.

No, seriously, Mrs. Reddick, I'm licensed now. I can do it.

Okay. All right. I need to know why a teacher was fired.

Liz. You got a minute?

So, we had 140 RSVPs, but today we're getting a lot of calls reversing them.

What, people don't want to see our swanky new office?

The lawyer killings. Our chemical scare.

So the worry is that we'll have a poorly attended party?

No, the worry is we'll be embarrassed.

I say, f*ck it. You've been saying that a lot lately.

Making up for lost time.

Okay.

I say we invite all the associates and all the paralegals.

We just need some warm bodies filling up the rooms. Okay?

Sure. Yeah. f*ck it.

[DOOR OPENS]

What's going on with you two? [CHUCKLES]

[LAPTOP RINGS] Sorry.

Hey, Kurt. What's going on?

Three months in, and we're still in the preliminary hearing.

I'm sorry to hear that. Hotel living can be so awful.

I was thinking maybe you could come out.

Maybe a long weekend. It's only a six-hour flight.

Well, is that really the right thing? What do you mean?

I thought we were just... giving it time.

Yes, and we are.

What? Wait, I couldn't hear that. We are.

We are giving the separation thing some time.

Sorry, did you say we're done with the separation?

No. I said...

Yep. Nice talking to you, Kurt.

I guess I don't understand.

You want to represent me? Why?

Because you're a good teacher. [CHUCKLES]

Uh, that might have gotten me a free yogurt once, but that's about it.

Listen, you are the only teacher to break through Malcolm's shell.

You know, everybody says I should move him to a private school, but if everybody abandons the public school system, it'll implode.

Yeah, I know. I believe in public schools, too.

[KNOCKING] My mother taught there.

Oh, this is Maia. She's one of our associates, and she has looked through your contract.

So, as you know, Amberson is a charter school, and charters are terrified about the thr*at of union representation.

[CHUCKLES] Tell me about it. [DOOR OPENS]

Sorry I'm late!

Och. [CHUCKLES] Oh, hey!

Hey.

I'm guessing I'm in the wrong place.

LIZ: Looks like it.

They said second door down on the right. Lucca Quinn.

Downstairs. Oh, there's a downstairs.

I like that jacket, by the way. MARISSA: Thank you.

Being a new, inexperienced mother, I need all the help I can get.

You look so young to have an eight-year-old.

Oh, yeah. Thanks. Dave and I started early.

Dave is my husband. He's in the printing business, but he also loves fixing cars.

We're trying to decide if we should spend the money on private school.

Well, in my experience, Amberson is a public school in name only.

The parents are all proactive and treat it like a private school.

I just worry about a dangerous element here.

I've heard talk of a certain teacher, Mr. Coulson.

Oh. Yes, he was replaced.

I don't want to be r*cist or anything, but I always worry about... different elements.

That's not why he was fired. What?

Well, I probably shouldn't say.

Mr. Coulson, per your contract and, uh, previous agreement between the parties, your appeal will be dealt with here in arbitration.

I'm the arbiter, and my decision is final.

Counselors, you all understand what I just said?

Absolutely, Mr. Arbiter.

Absolutely, Mr. Arbiter. Oh. So respectful.

That's a good sign. [CHUCKLES] And you are?

Oh. Nancy Crozier. Hi, Mr. Arbiter.

It's very good to be here representing the school.

I'm a... a member of the PTA. Secretary Treasurer.

And I volunteered when I heard that Mr. Coulson had hired this powerhouse firm.

Oh, really? Powerhouse? Ooh, well, I am flattered.

I'm not sure that's accurate. [DOOR OPENS]

Champagne?

Down the hall. Thanks.

[DOOR CLOSES] Apologies for powerhouse.

Ms. DuPont, how long have you been a principal at Amberson Elementary?

Five glorious years.

And, uh, before that, where did you work?

I was principal at Holy Grace School.

And were you ever involved in the firings of any teachers there?

I was involved with a few dismissals.

LIZ: Were you involved with the dismissal of a teacher named Arthur Prentiss?

Yes. And why was he fired?

That has nothing to do with this. That's not what I asked.

It was a Catholic school. It was within the school's rights.

What was within the school's rights? Uh, Mr. Arbiter, we will gladly stipulate that Principal DuPont was forced by her last school to fire a teacher because he was gay.

ARBITER: And why is this important? Because I'm gay.

Okay. Any other questions?

Please continue, Ms. Crozier. [CLEARS THROAT] Ms. DuPont, were you aware that Sidney Coulson was gay?

No. Definitely not. NANCY: Were you aware that the teacher at Holy Grace was gay?

Yes. And were you unhappy about that dismissal? I was distraught.

And did you swear to yourself that you would never dismiss a teacher for anything other than performance again?

Yes.

And how did you guarantee that at Amberson?

An algorithm. NANCY: Decisions on teacher dismissals were based on an algorithm?

Yes. So there could never be bias or prejudice in hiring or f*ring again.

Mr. Arbiter, all algorithms are pointless unless they are based on good data.

And you would like access to the data.

We would. Yes. Will we need to get into a subpoena situation here, Ms. Crozier?

No. No. Um...

I thought you might... want to take a look at these.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

[ELEVATOR DINGS] I My baby don't care for shows I My baby don't care for clothes I My baby just cares for me

I My baby don't care for cars I And races I My baby don't care for...

[SIGHS] How many so far?

Ten clients. Eight lawyers.

The rest are all us.

Wow. Yeah.

We're gonna have a lot of alcohol left over.

[CHUCKLES] Well, the office looks nice.

[PHONE VIBRATES] Hey.

Hello, Colin. Liz.

So, how is it working with the enemy?

Lucrative. Mm.

How are my cases? Yeah. Thanks a lot, by the way.

[LIZ CHUCKLES]

Liz? Who is that with Lucca?

New lawyer? Uh, no.

Never seen him before. Probably somebody she's dating.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Jerry. Thomas.

Mr. Boseman. How are you two?

Good, good, good. Good.

Jerry... doesn't like elevators.

Well, that one wasn't... wasn't so bad.

This place is nice.

Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. Who's she?

Uh, Marissa. She's an investigator here.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna k*ll him. [LAUGHS]

Whiskey. Ice.

Tell me about Nancy Crozier. Why?

Oh, because I'm facing her in an arbitration.

She's not exactly what I expected. You have any advice?

This is a thing you do, isn't it? What is?

You ask for advice in order to ingratiate yourself.

Vodka tonic.

You know, your "f*ck it" mode is starting to feel more like "f*ck you" mode.

Just appreciating your style.

I'm just doing my job.

And using what I confide in you to undercut me?

[SIGHS] Look, I thought Adrian already knew you were thinking of leaving, that's all.

Don't defend, don't apologize.

It's more fun to go at each other.

Okay.

Good to know.

Nancy plays at being the nice girl while being tough.

She's good.

But her rhythm is thrown off by objections.

ELSBETH: Diane!

Elsbeth! What a pleasure!

[LAUGHS] I know. Thank you.

Um, this is fantastic. Mm.

Your offices... I love them. Where's all the furniture?

Here, come and sit down.

My God, what a fantastic dress.

Really? Thank you. I was terrified to wear it.

Ooh! What do you think they're talking about?

I have no idea. It's weird.

We're just the background characters to their story.

And they're just the background characters to our story.

And we're all just background characters to his story.

He could be the hero, and we could be the villains of the story.

Or we're the heroes, and he's the villain.

[LAUGHS] That's what keeps us humble... not knowing.

Or paranoid. [BOTH LAUGH]

You know, last week, I was walking down the street, and there was this homeless man digging for bottles in the trash, and yelling at the top of his voice about the president and the country, and how we're all going insane.

Mm. And I realized... that's what my inner monologue sounds like.

And that's when I decided, I've got to change.

To what? To someone who's not going crazy.

You're one of the most successful women I know, Diane.

I should be...

Just... [BOTH LAUGH]

I love your necklace, by the way. Oh. Okay. Well, put it on.

Oh. No! No, no, no. Yes, here, put it on.

And look... there's a belt that goes with it.

[LAUGHS] You can have that, as well.

That's just...

I never thought you liked me, Diane.

Hey, you know what? That's my fault.

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God, that is great!

[LAUGHS, SCREECHES]

COLIN: Rockin' party. [LAUGHS]

Very... spacious. [LAUGHS] Yeah.

Thanks for the invite, by the way. Thanks for coming.

Who's the... the guy?

Dominic.

Hmm. Why?

Oh, just keeping up on your life.

Jealous? [CHUCKLES]

Staying informed. I'm so glad.

Hmm. Glad you came, Colin.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

Look at this. I mean, it's so boring up there.

Well, anyway, I was thinking about the algorithm.

Uh-huh. And do you know Jerry and Tom?

They know everything about algorithms.

They're really smart. No, we just have...

Yeah, we are. MARISSA: Anyway, like you said, there are problems with algorithms like the one used at the school.

They're... What are they? Incomplete something or other?

Godel's incompleteness theorem. You're... adorable.

Thank you. Do the short version.

An algorithm is undependable if it can't be proven.

We think of algorithms, like, as magic, but they don't mean anything if you've only got 20 student tests and 40 teacher reviews.

We could destroy their case.

It's called Godel's incompleteness theorem.

NANCY: Mr. Arbiter, I'm...

[LAUGHS] ...just a small-town girl from Michigan, and I was never very good at math... Objection.

I don't know what Ms. Crozier's education has to do with any of this.

Well, I didn't say that it did. Thank you. Continue.

What does math have to do with this?

We've already proven... Objection. The attorney is testifying.

Let's try to stay on point, shall we? What was your point?

Ms. Crozier?

[DOOR OPENS]

That is really annoying. I have ADHD.

What's your name?

Lucca. I'm Malcolm.

[WHISPERING] I told the school nurse I had a headache.

But you don't.

I hate my new teacher. Can't like everyone.

You'll stop with the ball? I don't know. It's fun.

Well, do something else. Like what?

Like...

Ah. I bet you can't build something cool with those paperclips.

Yes, I can. Whatever. Prove it.

We work with algorithms, and this isn't one we trust.

The data points are subjective and open to interpretation.

What are the proportional weights between peer and parental reviews and state-mandated testing?

It is five percent peer review, five percent parental, 90% testing.

And would you consider state-mandated testing to be a subjective data point? [EXHALES SHARPLY]

Uh, no.

No. Gentlemen, I think your point is well taken, but rejected.

[DOOR OPENS] Okay. Well, this is a bit of a mess.

You were less than an hour. Yeah. Well, failure is fast.

What you making? It's a Minecraft baby zombie.

His name is Chicken. Cool.

Can I have my iPad? No.

Lucca was here.

She doesn't like noise. Hmm.

Why were you failing? I don't know.

‘Cause I'm not as good as I think I am.

Hey, bubs?

Last year, you did well on the state-mandated test, didn't you?

That was Mrs. Potter. She didn't like me.

No, but you did well, right?

On the test? Yes. Remember? We had ice cream.

Yeah, yeah. But this year with Mr. Coulson, what happened? lgota 73.

Yeah, and last year how much?

-92. Okay.

You did worse with a teacher you really liked.

That doesn't make sense.

Mm-mm.

Okay. Here's the bubble answer sheet from Malcolm's test last year.

Okay. Well, here's... here's this year's.

LIZ: So, what's different? What am I looking for?

Erasures. There. There.

And there. Mm-hmm.

LIZ: Maybe a dozen of ‘em, maybe more.

I didn't erase these.

But don't you find it odd that all of the wrong answers on this test were erased, and the correct ones were filled in?

No. Students do that all the time.

They make a mistake, and then decide on the right answer.

MAIA: But every single student in your class had at least five or six erasures on their tests.

Again, this is good news. The students are thinking.

Yet, in Mr. Coulson's class, there isn't a single erasure.

I'm offended by what you're implying.

LIZ: And what are we implying? That I did this. Right?

That you and the other teachers were so worried about being dismissed, that you went through the answer sheets, and you changed just enough of the answers to get a passing score.

Except for one teacher, Mr. Coulson, who was dismissed.

Mr. Arbiter, I'm sorry, but this is wild conjecture.

Yes, it's conjecture... but I wouldn't call it wild.

Mr. Arbiter, we ask that you rule against the school.

And I'm tempted to, but here's my problem...

Ms. Potter is saying that the students made all the erasures, correct?

Yes, definitely. So, without proof, I'm afraid my hands are tied.

Go. Get me proof.

So, what now? I don't know.

Maybe we go to the students and ask if they erased?

Hmm. Could Malcolm testify?

I don't know. Let me ask.

Oh, Mr. McVeigh. Hi.

Hello. I thought you were in LA.

I was. I wanted to surprise Diane. Oh, that's great.

She'll be thrilled. I can, um, call her.

She's not answering her cell phone. Oh.

I think she's at a deposition. She might be a while.

Do you want me to call you?

Uh, sure. Okay. She'll be thrilled to see you.

MARISSA: Kurt?

Can I ask you something? You're into forensics.

Ballistics. Right. This might sound ridiculous, but is there any forensics for erasers, like, pencil erasers?

LIZ: Thank you for testifying for us, sir.

Now, what can you tell us about erasers?

Erasers? Like on a... pencil?

LIZ: Yes.

Are you sure you have the right guy? I'm from YourLawHelper.com.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Sorry. We... Yeah.

Uh, sir, can you, uh, come this way...

LIZ: You've examined the third-grade students' answer sheets.

What can you tell us about the erasure you see?

Well, they didn't come from the students.

And why are you so sure?

They all came from one eraser, and it's vinyl.

The students didn't have vinyl erasers.

Mr. Arbiter, the algorithm is worthless because it depended on the accuracy of state-mandated testing, but as forensic evidence proves, almost all of the teachers tampered with their tests, except for one teacher, one honest teacher, who was fired.

Mr. Coulson. Ms. Crozier?

You have a response?

Is my daughter's test in there?

[INDISTINCT]

Ah! You got your job back.

Same pay, same position.

That's great. Um... Oh, God.

Malcolm is gonna be so thrilled.

Actually, I was offered a new job.

You were? Dwight Academy. The private school.

They heard I'd been let go, and they offered me a position.

Just today. Mm.

Uh, it's more money, so I have to consider my options.

I wanted to thank you again for what you've done.

So we, uh... [LAUGHS] lost another good one.

I still believe in public schools.

I Every day can't be the best day I Do what you can right now Don't hesitate I That's why we try to make love and get paid I Take the bad with the good Now let's play

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

JAY:A.B.C.

Avoid, Barricade, Confront.

If there is an active sh**t situation, your first line of defense is A, avoid the gunman.

[LOUD BANG] [GASPING]

Hey. Where do you guys want this?

What is that? Alcohol.

Office at the end of the hall on the right.

Thanks. You hear a g*nsh*t.

You look out into the hall. You see a man with a g*n.

Could be the sh**t. Could be building security.

You may think you know what's going on...

Lucca. There are two men here for you. Who?

FBI agents. [LIZ SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY, STATIC]

ADRIAN: Liz, we couldn't hear that. Where are you?

LIZ: I'm in the car.

Uh, what do they want? They wouldn't say.

ADRIAN: Hold your questions to the end. Okay.

ADRIAN: All right? [LIZ CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]

JAY: B, barricade. You hear g*nf*re...

Uh, Marissa? You can stay here.

Gentlemen. May I help you?

I'm Agent Boggs. This is Horvath.

We have a few questions to ask you. Regarding?

This is regarding your brother, Dominic Quinn.

Uh, maybe we can meet alone, Ms. Quinn.

Actually, this is my lawyer. And I'd like her to stay.

Marissa Gold.

When's the last time you saw your brother, Ms. Quinn?

Four years ago. What is this about?

Just some preliminary questions.

You haven't seen him since he was released from Vackerville?

Vacaville. And no, not since then.

And who else does he know in Chicago?

Why don't you tell me what this is about.

We're not at liberty to say. Has he retained any friendships from prison?

I have no idea. Has he written to you?

I think I'll call a halt to this, gentlemen, as Lucca's lawyer.

It's an easy question, Ms. Quinn.

Tell me what it's about, and I'll answer your question.

If he writes you again, Ms. Quinn, please keep us informed.

He hasn't written me a first time, and I can't help you if you won't tell me anything.

If you change your mind, here's our card.

It's not about changing my mind.

LIZ: What, he's appealing?

Jay? What's going on?

I need help finding my f*ck-up brother, and I don't want other people to find out. Can you help me?

What do you have? Name. Social Security.

Some dummy email addresses for his shady schemes.

[SIGHS] Okay. I'll see what I can do.

How long do you think it will take you?

I wouldn't go anywhere.

Jay, do you have a minute?

I Everything my clan do represent a brand-new step I At least I ran a few government scandals I Got the world spinning out of control I So, Angelo, I'm a give ‘em what I got in my soul I Well, here we go I And he a deified rap god

[SONG CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND]

Look what the cat dragged in.

What are you doing in Chicago? Working. See?

How'd you find me? Social Security number.

That's right. The benefits of a big firm.

Yeah. Poor little Dominic.

Never given the advantages of his big sister.

I didn't say that, did I?

[SCOFFS] Stop digging up old battles, sis.

The Feds came by my office today.

That's right. Tell me about those old battles.

It has nothing to do with you.

Then why am I talking to the Feds, Dominic? Huh?

I'll get Mom on the phone right now.

No. [SIGHS]

I'm being sued. For?

An app I created. BigHouseLegal.com.

They claim I'm practicing law without a license. It's bullshit.

So it's another one of your scams?

It's not a scam. We're in depositions right now.

They probably want old dirt on me. What'd you tell them?

Who's representing you? No one.

I'm representing myself. [CHUCKLES] Oh, dear God.

Yes, always the brother who fucks up.

You never feel good about yourself unless you can scold me.

f*ck you. Yeah.

I'm going.

I didn't tell them anything.

They wanted to know if you still have friends in prison.

They might be trying to expand their scope.

Good luck.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Lucca Quinn?

Oh, no. Yep.

I'm trying to be kinder with it these days.

You've just been served.

[SIGHS]

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Family.

[CHUCKLES] Oh. You know I'm an expert on that.

[LAUGHS] Good point.

I have a brother who has held a grudge against me all his life.

I was the good student, he was...

...hyper and hard to handle.

He thought our parents liked me better.

Did they?

Yes.

So I was the one who got to go to college and law school, and he went into the m*llitary and then got arrested for selling marijuana.

And now, I've been subpoenaed to testify against him for some idiotic app of his called BigHouseLegal.

Wait, BigHouseLegal.com? I think so. Why?

I have a friend at ACLU who was telling me about this.

He says it's great.

Oh, no, that must be something else. This is a scam.

Is that it? Yeah.

My friend says it really gives inmates a voice.

What's he being sued for?

Um, practicing law without a license.

And they want to shut it down? Too bad.

[KNOCK ON DOOR] LIZ: Maia.

You said you wanted a mentor? Uh, yes, I do.

LIZ: Good. Let's go.

Hi. It's Lucca.

What are you doing?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Wow. What happened to all the furniture?

It's temporary. We're having a party to show off the new offices.

Ooh. Who are you here to see?

Uh, um, Lucca Quinn.

Downstairs. Second door to the right. Okay, great. Thanks.

Wow, twice in one day. This is like my first communion.

The Department of Correction is suing you?

Yeah. Why? They want to bankrupt you.

I know. What do you need, sis?

I looked at your site. Okay. So...

It's good. It serves a purpose. I wish I'd thought of it.

Look, don't patronize me.

I'm not. Jesus. Can you not just take what I say at face value?

Are you surprised?

The last time we talked, you said to never call you.

I wonder why. Because you stole money. Because I needed bail money.

What you want to do, keep me in there? Whatever. Okay. Fine. It's past.

You can't represent yourself in a deposition. You need a lawyer.

Lucca, thanks. But you're being deposed, too, so I can't expect you... No, not me.

Lucca, hi. I'm so sorry.

This place is so confusing. You have to go upstairs to go downstairs?

I know. It's about security.

Um, Elsbeth, I want to introduce you to my brother, Dominic.

Your brother? Oh, my God. Hi!

Uh, Dominic, this is Elsbeth Tascioni, one of the best lawyers I've ever met.

Na... aw. No, I am not. I'm just...

So, did you just move in here?

Yeah.

[EXHALES]

Um, the Department of Corrections has brought a civil suit against Dominic for a robo-lawyering app that he invented, and we're both being deposed. Robo-lawyering.

Really? What does that do?

It helps prison inmates sue for mistreatment.

Wow.

I once spent a long weekend in prison, and it was not pleasant, believe you me.

No, wait, that was Niagara Falls.

[GASPS] Yeah, that's right. My honeymoon.

People say it's romantic, but...

Anyway, I'm ready to go if you want me.

[EXHALES, CHUCKLES]

So, take me through this. How does your website work?

Well, if you're in prison and you have a complaint, no medical attention, denial of television privileges, or even harassment by guards, you log on, and the website takes you through 50 to 80 questions to help narrow down your complaint.

Is that it? No.

The site then offers advice as to which court to file your complaint and will sh**t out the paperwork for you.

Let me ask you, Mr. Quinn, have you attended law school?

No. And are you licensed to practice law in any state or territory in the US?

No. And yet, here you are giving legal advice online.

Is that a question, Mr. Schmidt?

‘Cause it sounded like a comment.

Just put a question mark on the end, ma'am.

I'm just helping to file paperwork. They don't...

They don't make it easy for cons. I wonder why.

This guides inmates through the process, that's all.

Never said I was a lawyer. Mr. Quinn, I could say I'm not a mugger, but if I take your wallet at knifepoint, guess what?

Whoa. That's a weird analogy.

Does anyone else find that weird? I'm finished for the moment.

Mr. Quinn, do you know why the Department of Correction is trying to stop your website?

My guess is they usually receive under 1,000 complaints a year from convicts.

With my site, they've received over 13,000.

Yes, it's called abuse of process, sir. That's why we're suing.

It's a common law intentional tort. You know, Mr. Schmidt, I like you.

I especially like the color of that tie, but I don't really need to depose you.

‘Cause I'm deposing Dominic.

Hey. Have you ever used WebMD?

Have... Yes.

And did you ever think it was your doctor?

[LAUGHS] No. [CHUCKLES] No.

Yeah, the difference is there are actual doctors behind that site.

Oh! Um... Just got a little... something here.

[EXHALES RHYTHMICALLY]

ELSBETH: [SOUTHERN ACCENT] Do you really think I can sue?

What is this?

WOMAN: Are you kidding me? I come to this grocery store all the time.

They should have cleaned up that spill. ELSBETH: But how could I go about it?

WOMAN: / can help you fill out the paperwork.

Where to file, all that.

ELSBETH: What'd you say your name was, hon?

WOMAN: Mary Ann Daley. Mr. Schmidt, do you employ a Mary Ann Daley at your law office? Oh, come on.

She's your secretary, isn't she? And a real sweetheart. Very nice.

Do you happen to know if she's a licensed attorney?

Ooh, I'm gonna take that as a no.

Uh, Dominic, are you making any money from this site?

You don't tend to make money from inmates.

That's why they have so much trouble accessing lawyers.

Hmm. Mm-hmm. So why do you do it?

[SIGHS]

I was in prison in California. Yes.

We'll get to that later when I depose your sister tomorrow.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS] [ELEVATOR DINGS]

I My baby don't care for shows...

Here. Thanks.

You were right about her. Right?

That's some weird... savant stuff. [BOTH LAUGH]

Nice dress. Thanks.

1 did think there'd be more people here, though.

Hmm.

Are you pregnant? [COUGHS]

What? You're not drinking.

You're carrying yourself different.

[LAUGHS] No, I'm... No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Do Mom and Dad know?

Mm-mm.

Who's the dad?

I tell you, one time my friend...

Someone out of the picture.

Do you want him in the picture? No.

So it wasn't planned? Shh.

Hi.

Can we just, uh, be a little quieter?

Okay. No.

We broke up, and then we got back together for one night.

Oh. Does he know?

No. You gonna tell him?

No. Well, that's kind of shitty, Lucca.

No, it isn't. Telling him would be shitty.

It's so weird, us talking about this. I haven't told anyone.

You can't get rid of family.

You can try, but... they always come back.

You know, it was tough love. That's all.

Not lending you money.

[SIGHS] I know.

I was an assh*le. Yeah, but I was, too.

I have a good effect on you. I soften you.

[LAUGHS] ELSBETH: I never thought you liked me.

Hey, you know what? That's my fault.

You can be very hard.

I've missed you, sis. I know.

Me, too.

Hormones are awful. [CHUCKLES] Yeah.

DIANE: Whiskey. Ice.

What were you saying about me?

Excuse me? Well, you were pointing over here.

Oh. Uh, how we're all, uh, lead characters in our own story, and everybody else is a background player.

Whoa. Cartesian a posteriori knowledge.

Sorry, I was a philosophy major at NYU.

With a minor in bartending.

[LAUGHS] You have the best laugh.

Oh, well, thank you. Me, I have a terrible laugh.

My laugh scares small children.

Okay, let's hear.

Say something funny.

What do you call 20 skydiving lawyers?

What? Skeet.

Ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, God, that is terrible. [BOTH LAUGH]

So what are you doing after this? [CHUCKLES] Why?

Well, I am tear-gassing an alt-right meeting.

[LAUGHS] Come on. Come on.

That laugh, it just cheers me up.

Yeah, well... Sorry.

That is the perfect hand to hold a tear gas canister.

Among other things.

[PHONE VIBRATING]

Oh. Oh, God.

Where are you going? Work.

[GROANS] Don't go to work. Nothing good comes of that.

I'll make money. You don't need money.

In two years, money will become outdated. It'll all be barter.

Two years is a long time.

Hey. Call me.

No.

[PHONE VIBRATES]

Your brother has an extensive criminal past, doesn't he?

Depends on how you define extensive.

Well, he forged your name on checks, correct?

Yes. And he took out credit cards in your name? Yes.

And did he borrow money he has not paid back?

LUCCA: No.

I gifted him that money.

As of when?

Recently.

Yesterday?

Yes.

And were you given the chance to offer character testimony at his trial for selling marijuana?

Yes.

But you did not... question mark.

Okay. Let me say this. My brother has struggled in his life.

He loved history. He was accepted at NYU.

But my parents didn't have the money to send him, because they spent it on my education.

So he had several years where he struggled.

And what you're asking about are those years.

But he should be judged by what he's doing now, which is something compassionate and incredible.

SCHMIDT: Okay.

Nice speech.

Let's turn to his conviction in 2012.

Objection. None of this will be allowed in court.

Maybe not civilly, but criminally.

[CHUCKLING] What are you talking about?

Barratry and champerty. Incitement to vexing litigation.

Your history, Mr. Quinn, will come in very handy there when the attorney general prosecutes you.

Why are you so afraid?

All I'm doing is bringing the law to the masses.

Oh, come on.

Grow up, all three of you.

I should let you win.

Have you ever thought about what happens if this website succeeds?

It replaces you.

And you. And me.

I'm fighting for our jobs.

I'm fighting so we're not replaced by robo-lawyers.

And what are you doing? You're saying we don't matter.

How much legal education do we have between us?

A decade in school, another 50 in experience?

And you're arguing we can be replaced by a computer?

Well, good luck with that.

But I'll line up with the humans.

Now let's, again, turn to your brother's conviction in 2012.

Hey, Carter, what are you doing here?

Here? I'm in depositions. Just heading out to get some air.

What case? You didn't know?

Your firm is defending a self-help bot for prisoners.

Hey, Diane. Do you know about this bot case in depositions?

No.

Your associate, Lucca Quinn's brother is poised to make lawyers as expendable as travel agents.

You're destroying us.

Sounds like a good idea. [LAUGHS]

You need to get your house in order, Adrian.

This will be a disaster for defense lawyers.

And last time I looked, you are a defense lawyer.

Yeah, let me get into it. Yeah, you'd better.

[ELEVATOR DINGS] Before it's too late.

Thank you for agreeing to testify, sir.

Would you call yourself an expert on the law?

Um...

Mr. Radosh. Your site, YourLawHelper.com, it provides clients with legal forms, templates for wills and contracts and even residential leases.

That's correct. Why don't you get your pencil expert back? I think he might be more relevant.

Eraser expert. Mmm.

People from all over the country use your service, but what you do isn't the practice of law, is it?

No. No, we don't tell people what forms to fill out, they decide what they need and we give them the forms they requested.

Because if you tell people what form to fill out, that's the practice of law?

Yes. Uh-huh.

Mr. Radosh, do you recognize this language?

This legal document service is no substitute for the advice of an attorney.

Yes. That's the disclaimer we use on YourLawHelper.com so people know we're not a substitute for a lawyer.

Actually, it's the language BigHouselLegal uses to tell its customers the site is no substitute for a lawyer. [LAUGHS]

Yeah. Uh...

And has your website been sued, Mr. Radosh?

Yes, many times for practicing law without a license, but we've prevailed in every suit. Mm-hmm.

Thank you. Mmm.

And do you know the difference between an ivory eraser and a number two?

That was a joke. [DOOR OPENS]

Apologies. Lucca, can we have a minute?

I've just been brought up to speed with what's going on here.

Can I ask what the fee arrangements are?

Mine? My retainer's $50,000.

You told me she was doing it pro bono. Stop.

See, here's what I'd like to propose:

Dominic, I checked out your site. It's a great start.

I want to purchase it.

$50,000 for the website and we'll pay your legal expenses. Hold on. You'd buy my website?

Bot, app, all of it.

And the copyright for your software.

Which, by the way, because there'd be lawyers operating it, would get around any future prosecution for practicing law without a license.

Yeah, but how will you feel about letting go?

Okay, look.

Are you committed to providing incarcerated people with the means for redress of their grievances?

This firm's been representing incarcerated people since its founding.

Yeah, right. But are you committed to maintaining my site so that incarcerated people can represent themselves?

No.

Once we purchase it, it will cease to exist.

[EXHALES]

Oh, Mr. Boseman, he's never gonna agree to that.

Hmm. Yeah.

[BLOWS LIPS]

Can you go to 100?

Thank you.

1 don't know. Are you sure about this?

No, but... it's money.

And it'll help me start the next thing, right?

Yeah.

Hey.

Don't be a stranger. You either.

Oh, and, uh, you want to be the godfather?

[LAUGHS] f*ck, yes.

You tell me when.

Hey. Bye.

I Every day can't be the best day I Do what you can right now Don't hesitate I That's why we try to make love and get paid Want to play some?

Yeah.

I Do what you can right now Don't hesitate I That's why we try to make love and get paid I Take the bad with the good Now let's play I Girls give no love to a poor man I It's a prison, the clock is warden I And it won't get no better when I get home...

Wait! Wait! Can you hold the door?

[CLICKS BUTTON]

[EXHALES]

Thanks.

MARISSA: Hey, thanks for the eraser guy. KURT: No problem.

Hey.

Hey.

[SIGHS] I couldn't do another horrible video thing or a cell phone call.

[CRYING] I'm sorry. What's wrong?

I'm just so sorry.

For...?

I'm afraid if I tell you, you won't want to see me again.

[SCOFFS] I don't think that's possible.

I think it is.

Diane, what is it?

I scheduled work this weekend.

And I... I didn't think you would be here.

[CHUCKLES]

It's okay. I'll see you tonight.

I, uh...

I just wanted to say I'm done with this separation.

I think we should move in together again.