03x09 - Cake

[bunniefuu]

(lively symphonic music)

WOMAN: Welcome back to our coverage of the Joshies live here on the red carpet. Mike, Mike, can we chat with you for a minute?

- Yes. - How are you?

How are you?

You look stunning.

The brilliant Mike Scaggs is with me now, nominated for the award that everyone is talking about...

best man at Josh's wedding.

What is up?

(both laugh)

- How are you feeling?

- Humbled.

There's some great dudes in this category.

Your friendship with Josh has been a smash hit.

How did you decide to get involved in the project?

You know, Josh first approached me about ten years ago.

Uh, at the time, I was at a party, slamming sh*ts of Jager.

He walked up and was like, "Can I get in on that?

" I was like, "Hell yeah, bro." Now, you must be nervous about tonight.

The way I see it, it's all up to the big man upstairs...

Josh.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, Josh Greenberg.

(orchestral flourish)

Passion, preparedness, cool to hang with...

these are the qualities of a best man.

And the nominees are...

Doug, "The Extra Beer." Hey, man, they gave me an extra beer.

- Want it?

- Sure.

Tom, "The Lift to the Airport." Josh?

Oh, we should probably get going.

All right.

(speaking indistinctly)

Nikhil, "The Life Saver." - (dogs barking)

- (yells)

- Oh, my God!

Look out!

- (g*nsh*t)

- (distorted)

No!

- (dramatic music)

- (groans)

- Oh, my God.

- You saved my life. - Of course.

You're my best friend.

When did that happen?

And, finally, Mike Scaggs, "Ten Years of Friendship." (cheerful guitar music)

BOTH: Oh!

Boom!

- (cheering, applause)

- Thank you. Stop. Stop.

And the best man goes to...

Mike Scaggs, "Ten Years of Friendship." Come on!

Yes!

- ANNOUNCER: This is the first nomination... - What?!

and first win as best man for Mike Scaggs.

(laughing)

We did it, man!

- Yeah. - We did it!

Oh, gimme this. Oh.

This is for every guy who's ever been told he is weird for hanging out with Josh.

To all those dudes, I'm living proof.

It is all worth it. Dreams do come true.

- (string music plays)

- Ah, no, they're playing me off.

Uh, uh, okay. Wait, um... Uh, thank you, Barry Sanderson, Gina Gordon, Terry Stephens.

We did it, Terry!

Uh, oh, sh*t.

Oh, what... Yeah!

Uh, uh, the whales. Right.

Um, every day, four whales are k*lled, and that's way too many, so, uh, you know, donate to that sh*t.

I want to thank Cameron Crowe!

I want to thank Tom Cruise!

And I want to thank Josh!

He's my best friend in the whole wide world.

We've been through everything, brother.

- I love you, brother. - Okay.

Okay.

- Yes. - Yeah!

(downtempo electronic music)

Aah!

(squeaks)

(growls)

Dude, I still can't believe you picked me - to be your best man. - Of course, buddy.

You know me better than anyone else.

True dat. Ah, I'll get this.

Yes, we will have two burritos, ultra nasty with extra drippings, butt blaster sauce, extra blasty, and a couple of thick-boy IPAs.

Ah, I'm-I'm trying to cut down on the butt blasting.

Uh, can I just get, like, a... maybe a fish taco - and a bottle of water?

- (cackles)

Yeah, right. Good one, bro.

- Oh, my God. - Bon apple-tits.

I got food poisoning last time I was here.

Yeah, their meat is old.

Got your bachelor party all mapped out.

6:00 p.m., party starts.

8:00 p.m., blackout drunk.

10:00 p.m., blackout drunk again.

Midnight, party starts.

- What?

Yeah. - Yeah, I mean, that...

- Yeah. - That-that all sounds, uh...

- overwhelming. - (laughs)

Oh, yeah, big time.

- (laughing)

- Oh, I know.

Eat that sh*t.

(groans)

You should probably get going soon to that strip club.

Traffic around the airport's always crazy.

Yeah, you're right. (sighs)

What's the matter?

I am just dreading this bachelor party.

I'm gonna be stuck there all night, unable to leave, and all I feel like doing is staying in with you - and watching Shark t*nk. - Oh, come on.

There's plenty of time to do that.

Relax, go hang out with Mike.

How bad could it be?

- (airplane flies overhead)

- ALL: Chug!

Chug!

Chug!

Chug!

Chug!

Chug!

- Aah!

- ALL: Chug!

Chug!

Chug!

Aah!

(all cheer)

- Whoo!

- There you go, baby!

- Aah!

- Yeah!

(all yelling)

Whoohoo!

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

Feels like it's probably got to be almost last call, right, boys?

No way, dude. This place is 24 hours.

- It's what?

- Lock the doors - and throw away the keys, baby. - Oh, no!

Yeah!

Whoo!

- Can I, uh, make a phone call?

- No problem.

- But, Greenberg... - Yeah.

Be quick about it.

(foreboding music)

(melancholy string music)

(door slams shut)

- How you doing?

- Uh, hanging in there.

- How's life on the outside?

- It's fine.

Uh, I just, uh, finished an episode of Shark t*nk.

This guy pitched these socks that you can kinda draw on, so, like-like, you can, like, customize the socks and, like, write things on the socks...

like, if you're on a team... (sobs)

Oh, God...

I'm sorry. Did you want me to wait?

No, no, you... you need to live your life.

From now on, just pretend I'm dead.

Don't talk like that.

You don't know what it's like in here.

You don't know what it's like.

What's that mark on your face?

Josh, did someone hurt you?

- It's nothing. - What happened, Josh?

A titty hit me in the face.

(sighs)

Oh, Josh.

I don't suppose the, uh, governor's answered my letters.

- No. - That do-nothing son of a...

Josh... Hey, hey, hey!

Josh!

Hey.

- (whispers)

Hey, hey, hey... - (sobbing)

You stay with me. Stay with me, all right?

Listen to me, okay?

You do whatever you need to do to get through this, all right?

You do your sh*ts, you take your lap dances, and you come home to me, all right?

But, Josh, don't do anything stupid, okay?

Aah!

(laughing)

Greenberg!

Uh-oh, there we go.

- Yeah. - Starting to get a little bit worried about you, buddy.

- Oh, no, I am-I am here... - (all laughing)

And-and having, uh, lots of fun.

That's what I like to hear.

Bartender, give us five of your grossest sh*ts.

We want the sh*t nobody buys.

- (cackles)

- (all laughing)

Whoo!

(cheers)

Mm.

Yeah!

Drink up, shitbirds. Let's do this!

- Where's Josh?

- I think he went that way.

Joshie!

Josh.

Josh!

God damn it, where is he?

(grunts)

(bottle clatters into distance)

What the hell?

(whispers)

No.

Josh?

Josh?

(roars)

Josh!

Hey, man, could we go ahead and cut the cake?

- (whispers)

Whatever. - Cool.

I'll start the traditional way by separating the two halves.

(melancholy piano music)

Perfect.

Okay, great. Excellent.

Tom will be here. Liz will be there.

The bridesmaids are here.

Uh, looks like the only thing I need now is the best man.

- Yeah. - Still no best man?

Uh, no, no, he... he still hasn't made it yet.

Okay, so wait. Why isn't Mike here?

Ah, you know him, he's... he's a real party animal.

He's probably just hungover.

I thought you guys quit at, like, 10:30 last night.

I-I... I quit at 10:30 last night.

It's a possibility they might have gone a teensy bit longer.

- Josh, you bailed?

- I didn't bail.

- I did not bail. - Josh. (mouths)

Yeah, okay, they think I did. Just, I'd like...

it's not a big deal. I left a bit early.

Who cares about some stupid party?

Who wants to see the bachelorette party pictures?

- Oh, my God, me, me, me, me, me. - Oh, my God, that was the craziest night we've ever had.

But also the most important.

It cemented our friendship forever.

Guys, I feel the exact same way.

I know we made you do a few things - that made you uncomfortable. - But you suck it out.

And the significance of that was not lost on us.

Yeah, I feel like this conversation could probably happen some other time.

Lucy, we love you. And because of that night and, like, how long you stayed...

- Oh, for (bleep)

sake. - we always will.

Aw. You guys, I love you too.

- (squeals cheerfully)

- (giggles)

(whimpering)

Okay, I get it. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I left early.

But it's not a big deal.

Mike doesn't hold grudges.

(eerie string music)

Aah!

(dramatic orchestral music)

(ominous musical flourish)

All right, Nana, there you are.

- You're all set. - Joshie.

Joshie, we may have a teensy little issue.

- What?

- Mike is finally here.

But while we have a seat for him, we don't have any for his henchmen.

For his-his henchmen?

What?

(cackling)

(sinister music)

Okay, boys, it's showtime!

- Go get him, boss. - Yeah!

Show him.

Who the (bleep)

are these guys?

Mike, are you... are you all right?

Never better, Joshie boy.

Sorry to crash your little party.

Well, you didn't crash it. You were invited.

It's... You're the best man. This is a wedding rehearsal.

- (cackling)

- What are you...

Ah, champagne. Don't mind if I...

don't!

- That's kinda wasteful. - (cackles)

(screeching)

- Can you please just calm down?

- Oh, I wish I could, but... (sniffs)

something's burning.

(chuckles)

Toasts.

"A" is for "amour," which Josh and Lucy truly feel.

"B" is for "belonging." That's right. As soon as Liz is done, my toast is gonna blow this place sky high.

(laughs)

Yeah. Clock's ticking, idiot.

- Who are you?

- "E" is for "embark." - Their new journey has begun. - I'm pretty sure our email said we have to keep the speeches between three and five minutes.

Length is the least of your worries, Joshie boy.

This card's about your herpes scare.

- Oh, my God. - This card's about !sis.

- Why?

- This deck of cards is what can only be described as wheelchair humor.

(ominous musical flourish)

Mike, you're being an assh*le, okay?

You're gonna ruin my rehearsal dinner.

- You ruined my bachelor party!

- I'm sorry I left, okay?

But can you really blame me?

Who the hell wants to get blackout drunk - at a shitty strip club?

- Well, you do, or at least you used to.

Yeah, used to!

Used to!

I don't like doing that sh*t anymore.

Yeah, or is it that you just don't like me anymore?

Why are you so hung up on this?

It was just a party.

No, it wasn't just a party, man.

It was our last chance to hang out, and you left without even saying good-bye.

- (sighs)

- And finally "Z." "Z" is for "Zarathustra," which I think speaks for itself.

(scattered applause)

Are there any other toasts?

Please...

Don't worry.

I'm not gonna ruin any more of your life.

I... (sighs)

Mike...

Mike, can I talk to you without your neon beatniks?

Mike?

(sighs)

Hi. Mike, it's me, uh, again.

I'm-I'm really, really sorry, man.

I mean it. I'm-I'm sorry.

Just please call me back, please.

- (sighs)

- Hey.

- Hi. - Any luck?

Uh, no, no, I think he's still pretty upset.

Well, you know what?

I'm sure he is, but just give him some time, okay?

He's gonna forgive you. You're his best friend.

(dramatic music)

MIKE: After much consideration, I have decided to retire as Josh's best friend.

Mike, how can you just walk away?

You're the greatest ever, and you're still in your prime.

Had a great career, you know, set a lot of best friend records...

most consecutive hangs, also grossest bare-ass fart to Josh's face.

It's one I believe may never be broken.

Uh, but there's more to life than being Josh's best friend.

Yeah, I want to spend time with my family, explore some business opportunities, and also pursue my other lifelong dream.

- What dream?

- To play professional baseball.

(all gasping and murmuring)

I am thrilled to announce that I have just signed a minor league, non-guaranteed contract with the Chattanooga Mud Dogs.

With any luck, I will accomplish just as much in baseball as I did being Josh's best friend.

- Thank you. - ALL: Michael!

- Thank you, Mikey. - JOSH: What?

I didn't know Mike played baseball.

I mean, he played softball at middle school, and he was terrible.

Okay, um... Uh, Lucy, I know we still have, like, wedding stuff to do, but...

Josh, Josh, this is important, okay?

(bright acoustic guitar music)

- Go to Chattanooga. - (whispers)

Yeah.

(both sigh)

I love you!

Okay, hustle up, y'all!

Let's practice.

Practice makes perfect, right?

Ah, love me some drills, right, baby?

(pastoral music)

Doing a no-hitter today, right?

Come on, come on. Hit me!

Come on.

Come on. Aah!

(groans)

Mike!

Mike!

Can you sign this?

Sure, kid, what do you got?

A baseball poster?

Nah, it's from your old days as Josh's best friend.

That was a good year.

Sorry, kid, I don't do that anymore.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to do batting.

All right, Guerrero, don't hold back!

- (grunts)

- (clapping)

Yeah, nice... nice swing.

- What do you want?

- Just want to apologize, man.

Nothing to be sorry for, man. It's better this way.

We're both doing exactly what we were born to do.

You're marrying Lucy, and I'm playing baseball.

MAN: Oh!

Uh, I've probably done enough batting.

Mike, I-I totally believe you have exactly what it takes to be a professional baseball player.

- Obviously. - But I need you on my team.

Dude, you don't, okay?

You're a full grown-up now.

It's like I don't even know how to be your friend anymore.

Hey, you remember... remember freshman year when you and I would each pound, like, 12 beers a night?

- Yeah, that was great. - It-it was.

Uh, and then I was like, "I don't think I can do this anymore.

I'm literally gonna die from alcohol poisoning." It was the end of an era, but it wasn't the end of us.

Why?

Because you came up with the idea - of smoking pot every day. - That's right.

God, it was hard at first. Scary.

But we stuck with it, and we eventually leveled out.

And-and if we can go through a huge change like that, what can't we deal with?

You came all the way to Chattanooga to tell me that?

- Yup. - Wait.

Aren't you worried about missing the wedding?

No wedding without my best man.

Well, Coach, it's been a crazy ride.

It's no secret we didn't always see eye to eye, but even though I'm leaving the clubhouse today and I won't be there for the doubleheader against the Water Bears and the Sky Grizzlies, I want you to know I will always consider Chattanooga my home, and I will always, always bleed Mud Dog blue.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is...

You're out.

(indistinct chatter)

BOTH: Hey!

(both laughing)

Ah, they're gonna miss me.

Yeah, for sure. I know I do.

Yeah, hey, I miss you too, buddy.

MAN: Oh!

The same spot!

Yeah.

(bright acoustic guitar music)

Pound it. (laughs)

Wow, cool, there's a poster of us?

Yeah, man. You want one?

- I'd love one. - Hey, you know, I'm making a movie with Bugs Bunny...

Uh, okay, excellent. So Tom will be there, Liz will be there, and then, uh, the best man, my best man, will be on that spot right there.

Uh, w-what if I don't hit my spot?

- Does it have to be exact or... - Nah.

Just kinda know your general area.

Right, right, right, got you.

Uh, and then the music begins, you'll walk down the aisle at a slightly slower-than-normal pace.

- Okay, like this?

- Eh, no.

No, no. Slow-slower than normal...

- um, deliberate. - Ah, sh*t, bro, - what if I blow it?

- Mike, you're gonna do great.

- (sighs)

- Here, take my arm...

- Okay. - We'll do it together.

- (gentle acoustic guitar music)

- BOTH: Hm.

♪ Ooh ♪ Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, when did Nikhil get sh*t?

Oh, I never told you that story?

- No!

- Okay.

So last month in Caracas...