03x10 - Blood

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Man Seeking Woman". Aired: January 2015 to March 2017.
"Man Seeking Woman" centers on Josh Greenberg, who struggles finding love, after a break-up with his long term girlfriend Maggie, and depicts relatable conflicts and struggles of entering/maintaining a relationship, however, these conflicts are taken to absurd and literal extremes. Based on Simon Rich's "The Last Girlfriend on Earth".
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03x10 - Blood

Post by bunniefuu »

[jaunty string music]


- Good morning, lovebirds.

- Hi.

Bad news, the Adelmans' flight was cancelled, so you might have to re-tweak the seating chart.



So we're gonna need to find a new spot for, uh, Tom's in-laws, Ed and Trish.


Who do they know?

Uh, maybe one of the uncles at the uncles and teachers table.


Good, done.

Uh, next up is Julie F.

She's my mom's dentist.


your mom's dentist.

Who does she know?

Uh, I'm gonna put her at the West Coast relatives table.

Cool, cool.

That just leaves us with a spot to find for Mark.

- Who does he know?

- Uh, no one.

He, uh, woke up this morning after being in a coma since 1987.



Okay, uh, could we squeeze him at a table with one of your coworkers?


I mean, all those guys talk about is basketball.

Mark won't know any of the players.

Most of them weren't even born when the air conditioner fell on his head.

Who shrunk this television?

We could put him on our table?

Okay, well, to be honest, we're not that close.

Like, I've hung out with him a few times, help the orderlies trim his nails and stuff, but never like a real conversation conversation.

- But he is family, right?

- That's true.

- Hey, uh, cousin Mark.

- Hi.

Who are you people?

- Cool.

- Yeah, that's... that's good.

- What are we gonna do?

- [whispers]

Ah, man.

Oh, why don't we put him at the coma patients table?


- [clank]

- [yells]

Terrific idea.

I don't know why I didn't think of it immediately.

[downtempo electronic music]




Jesus Christ, does it have to be so tight?

Well, as the old saying goes, a snug bowtie means a snug marriage...

- Right.

- Is in the cards - for the two of you.

- Uh... okay.

Good news, gentlemen, the gas station down the street has a wide selection of bum wine.

There's a bar open downstairs.

Eh, it's not open.

Trust me, I've been checking.

That's curious.

Could've sworn Lucy and I told them to open at noon.

Ah, don't worry about it, Josh, you... you two had so much to organize.

There was bound to be a couple of oopsy-daisies.

[eerie music]

Ow, God, Mom, how did you ever walk down the aisle in these?

Very carefully.

Hey, Lucy, wasn't there supposed to be a vegan option for dinner tonight?

There should be.


Is it not on the menu?

Both these entrees have cream sauces.

You know Robin's extremely lactose intolerant.

- It's fine.

- No, it isn't, Robin.

You get torrential diarrhea.

I can just take Monday off from work.

Monday and Tuesday.

No, Robin, you shouldn't have to do that.

There should be a vegan option.

I swear Josh and I asked for one.

Don't worry about it, darling, you and Josh had so much to plan.

There was bound to be a couple of oopsy-daisies.

[ringtone chiming]

- Hey.

- Hey.

Can you meet me downstairs?

I think there's something weird going on.


We did ask for the bar to be open.

And we did ask for a vegan option.

And what the hell are these boring table settings?

What happened to the funky mismatched plates we got from the thrift store?


- Josh.

- What?

Since when does my mom hang out with your stepdad?

Something's amiss.

[stealthy funk music]

[dramatic music]

I hereby call to order this meeting of the shadow wedding planners.

As you all know, it is our sworn duty to secretly control every aspect of this wedding.

Together, we will transform it from a young cool person's thing into a normal traditional wedding, where everything is normal and nice.

Brother Jim, any updates on the reception?

Yes, Sister Patti.

The pre-ceremony bar has been closed.

The confusing vegan option has been stricken from the menu.

And the funky mismatch plates are no more!

- [plates shatter]

- [gasps]

By the time our work is done, this will be the most normal and nice wedding in the history of Evanston, Illinois!

Yep, straight down the middle.

- [all laugh]

- You monsters!

This is our wedding!

We planned it.

[all cackling]

Oh, Josh.

Oh, Lucy.

You didn't plan this wedding.

From the very beginning, you've just been our puppets.

Like wind-up dolls, unaware that we were the ones spinning your gears.

Or like when a dog thinks he's the one driving the car.

The point is, behind the scenes, the real wedding decisions have always been made by us.

But what about the wedding that we want?

It's too late.

The wedding we want starts in four hours.

[all cackling]

- Throw them out!

- [demonic voice]


- Wow, oh, okay.

- Oh, God, okay.

To ultimate power!

- all: Power!

- [cackles]

This is blood.

- Ow.

- Jesus.


And don't come back.

[door slams shut]

I'm your cousin, by the way, from Arizona.


I don't know if you recognize me.

- It's been a really long time.

- No, I...

I know who you are.

Uh, Morris, good to see you.

Uh, so did you have a good trip up here?

The flight in was... was really great.

- Okay, good.

- Good.

The drive to the airport wasn't so good.

You know, traffic.


Sometimes, you know, the drive is really great, and then the flight isn't so good, but this, uh... this was the opposite.

This was... this was the opposite.



both: Yeah.

Mazel tov.

[door slams shut]

- [groans]

- I know!


I really wanted out wedding to feel like... like us, you know, and... and now it's just gonna be a bunch of shit that our parents want, like that guy.

- Who the hell's that again?

- That's the pastor they hired to make sure everything goes the way they want it to.

Well, what... what if we told him his services were no longer required?

What about our parents?

They... they-they want...

Who cares what our parents want.

This is our wedding, Lucy.

Let's take it back.

Okay, is everybody clear on what they're doing?

- all: Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.


Okay, you guys are the best.

- Ready?

- All right, on three.

Let's do this!

Revised wedding plan on three.

all: Okay.

One, two, three, revised wedding plan!

Guys, I'm so honored that you asked me to officiate your wedding.


I just wanna make sure you want your ceremony to be so non-traditional.

Liz, all... all we care about is that it's fun, and that it's personal to us.

But, uh, are... are you sure you don't wanna do at least something a little religious?



Well, Mom sent us to Hebrew school for nine years, and Lucy, aren't your parents pretty Christian?


There's not a single mention of God.

Liz, relax.

Who's gonna notice?

[divine organ music]

Tom, tuck your shirt in.

God's here.

Nice to see you.

How are you?


Over here!

Patti, look at you.

- Sweetheart.

- Ooh!

- Oh...

oh, you're so sweet.

- Aww.

- Caroline, congratulations.

- Aww.


- Jim, I'm very happy for you.

- Pleasure.

- Oh, bless you.

- It's great, great.

Tom, you're not gambling, are ya?

It's so wonderful to have a good old-fashioned - religious wedding.

- Yes.

Uh, though it's not gonna be so traditional, you know, with the Christian and the Jewish, but I don't mind.

Guys, I don't mind, as long as you acknowledge me.

Honor me in some way.

You understand.

- Oh, of course.

- Obviously...

- Yes.

- We're going to honor you.

Well, your mouth to my ear.

[all laugh]

Oh, God, let's sit down.

Sit down.

This is gonna be wonderful.

[horn blares]

Ladies and gentlemen, put your paws together for the wedding party!

♪ Listen, I'm trouble ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, I can't keep still ♪

♪ I can't keep still, I can't keep still ♪

- ♪ Ah, ah ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Addicted to mor-or-orphine ♪

And now, Josh and Lucy!

♪ I can't keep still ♪

♪ I'm trouble, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I can't keep still ♪

- ♪ Ah, ah ♪ - ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Addicted to mor-or-orphine ♪ Wow.

We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Josh and Lucy, in the witness of friends, family, and the ultimate creator...

The energy of the universe.


But first, a reading from two dear friends of the bride, Meghan and Robin.

Well, maybe this will be a Psalm.

You know, I was never much a spiritual person, until last summer, when I went to Burning Man and tried iowaska.

And I was bowing before the great Burning Man itself, which, if you've never been...

it's sort of like an idol?

As I bowed before it, I had a revelation, and that's when I wrote this.

[clears throat]

- [bongo slaps]

- [humming]

♪ Hey ♪ Each spirit is a changeling.

Each has taken many shapes.

My spirit once was Joan of Arc's, and once a bunch of grapes.

Each spirit must be thankful for that which leaves us odd.

That holy force that rules the world, - the force that we call...

- [bongo flourish]


- I'm doing the Xanax.

- [pill container pops open]

[mutters indistinctly]

And now their friend Chris to say a few words.

- [forceful gulp]

- Thank you.

Growing up as a Christian, I attended church every Sunday, um, in a chapel not too different from this one, and it always struck me as so appropriate that church services and wedding services would both take place under the same roof.

Both are about bringing communities together to celebrate love... the love of God, uh, or, like today, the love between a couple.

I like this very much.

The Bible contains many beautiful, uh, verses about marriage, of course.

In fact, just this morning in bed, I read won aloud to my boyfriend.

[thunder rumbles and booms]

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

There's no need to apologize.

I'm fine.

- Are you angry?

- I'm not angry!

- [thunder booms]

- I'm not angry, okay?

It's just I have to go.

Thank you.

You came all this way.

Wouldn't you like a glass of wine at least?

- Yeah.

- No.

Thank you very much.

Everything was wonderful.

Congratulations to you all.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- Thank you for coming.

- Thanks for coming, God.

- both: Bye.

- Bye, God.

[car beeps]




[engine turning over]

Ah, no!

- [engine sputters]

- Dammit!

Dammit, dammit, dammit!

- [line rings]

- Nick!

It's God!

Who the hell do you think it is?

This piece of shit won't start!


I don't have Uber on my phone.

I don't know where the hell I am!

I don't know.

All I know is the place smells like shit!

They don't even have a Starbucks here!

I'm in the middle of nowhere!

Get me out of here!

- What?

- Oh...

[all cheering]

Thanks, thanks.

- Hey!

- Oh, my God!

Hey, sick-ass party, mofo!

- [laughs]

- Hey.

You did great.

I loved your song.

- That's great.

- Oh, it was so good.

[somber music]

- They still look really down.

- I know.

I really haven't seen Mom this sad since they cancelled "Boston Legal." Yeah, my... my mom's barely drunk.

Tom's on his fourth roll?

He's not even buttering them.

No, he's just taking them down dry.

We should say something.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

[glass clinking]

Hi there, hi there.

It's, uh, Josh and Lucy from... the wedding.



Uh, well, you guys, we did it.

We got married.

We, uh... we did it just the way that we wanted to.

Um, but there's... there's just...

there's one more thing that we, uh...

- we need to do.

- Yeah, and it might, uh...

it might make our parents, over here, a little bit uncomfortable.

- All eyes on this table here.

- Just, uh, turn your attention.

- [clears throat]

- We just wanna say thank you.

Yeah, these are... these are the people that raised us.


How 'bout a round of applause, huh?

That's right, yeah, get up!

Come on, get up.

- Stand up.

- Take a bow.

- Mom, come one, Mom.


- Please.

Come on, Tom.

[cheerful music]

Thank you.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, Tom.

We love you.


- Whoo!

- Oh, God, what a day.

- [groans]

- Hi.

- Oh!


- The married couple.

- Ay.

- [all laugh]

I can't believe we actually pulled this thing off.

Yeah, no kidding, compared to all this wedding stuff, being married's gonna be a breeze.

- Yeah, no kidding.

- [all laugh]

- What?

- [laughter darkens]

- No?

- [monstrous growl]

- [crash and clatter]

- Ah!


What the hell is that?

Looks like your first challenge as a married couple.


Josh and Lucy, I have come for you.

- Face me, face me.

- Okay, uh, how do...

how do we... how do we deal with this thing?

Well, you definitely wanna s*ab it in the eye.

There ya go, Mrs.


- Oh, and it hates f*re...

- That's right.

So you might want this flamethrower.

- Oh, you brought it.

- That's so smart.

A shield is always handy.

Oh, okay, that's heavy.


But honestly, the most important thing is to just communicate.

- Oh, yeah.

- Definitely.

- Just talk to each other.

- Yeah.


All right, guys, let's do this.

- Here we go.

- [roars]


Wait, are you not coming?

Oh, honey, when it comes to marriage, you're really kind of on your own.

Don't worry, we gave you everything you need.

You're ready.

You are not ready.

I will k*ll you in a horrible way!

- [sighs]

- Oh, don't listen to Gragdor.

His bark is worse than his many bites.

Make a fried calamari out of him.

- [growling]

- Okay.

On three?

Yeah, on three.

- One.

- Two.



[both scream]

- Okay.

- Okay, hey, did we remember - Ed and Trish?

- Yes, I did.

Uh, did you remember your mother's dentist?

Yes, I did.

I drew a little picture of a tooth saying, "Thanks." Aww, that's a really good idea.

Um, I think that's all of our thank yous done.

That is that.

- What do we do now?

- Uh...

Wanna take a walk?

I would love to.

[thunder rumbling]


[enchanting music]

- Oh, hey.

- Hmm?

♪ One, two, three ♪ [bird squawks]

[bird squawks]
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