05x25 & 05x26 - The President's Coming!

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend"

Pussycat, are you doing the grocery shopping today?

Yeah.

Something you want?

Uh, pick up a couple of chicken breasts, and why don't we say 40...

better make that 45 tubes of sunscreen.

Oh, Sophia, I've made that mistake before.

The best thing to do is just turn the oven down if you don't want the chicken to burn.

Rose, honey, I don't think my mother was planning on using the suntan lotion on the chicken.

What do you mean, you've made that mistake before?

President Bush is coming to dedicate the new senior citizen" center down the street.

The motorcade goes right by here.

So?

So all the neighbors on the block will be out on their lawns.

It'll be a hundred degrees out there, and they will need protection.

They can pay me or fry in the sun.

Oh, Ma, that is a terrible thing to do to your neighbors.

I'll cut you in for half.

We should also sell visors.

There's a man on our lawn.

Get the net.

(doorbell) Well, hello there.

Anything I can do for you?

At least now she asks.

Good afternoon.

Sorry to bother you.

I'm Agent Bell with the Secret Service.

Well, won't you come right in?

Thank you, Mrs.

Devereaux.

How did you know my name?

I know all your names.

This house has been under surveillance.

Why are you watching our house?

It's a security measure.

The President wants to stop at one house on his way to dedicate the senior citizens' center.

Why he can't he use the Arco station like everyone else?

Are you saying Mr. President George Bush might stop here?

He wants to keep in touch with the people.

We chose this house as a possibility because there are four senior citizens living under one roof.

Now, a few other houses are being considered besides this one.

If you don't mind, I'll start with Mrs. Devereaux.

Fine.

We'll just be waiting in he kitchen.

Not making fun of the Vice President.

Now that we're alone, tell me all about yourself.

You first.

I've always been the kind of person who liked to have fun.

Dorothy, do you realize it has been four days since I have enjoyed the company of a man?

I know, Blanche.

I've been marking the days off on my Big Ships of the Navy calendar.

I don't think I can stand it much longer.

My body feels like a Corvette up on blocks with its engine racing and the wheels just spinning and spinning with nowhere to go.

I feel like I'm gonna explode.

Dorothy, you have to help me.

You have to do something.

Honey, there's nothing I can do, so get that look out of your eye and let go of my hand.

Girls, I am so excited.

I just got a big bonus at work.

(both) Ah!

And guess what I've decided to do with it.

(both) What?

I'm gonna have my breasts enlarged.

You're not serious, Blanche?

Sure I am.

Breasts are back in fashion.

And what God didn't give me, Dr.

Myron Rosensweig will.

Oh, that man is the Picasso of plastic surgeons.

Just be sure he doesn't attach one of them to your forehead.

Yes.

Oh, Rose, hi.

Listen, I just picked up these pamphlets at a cosmetic surgeon, and I want you to help me decide which alterations I'll get.

Blanche, none of these women have any tops on.

Well, I know, honey.

These are the "after" pictures of satisfied customers.

I was thinking about having my breasts done like hers.

All right, Blanche, but do you think black really suits you?

Here you go, sweetheart.

Dorothy, have you ever heard of something called dirty-dancing?

Well, of course, Blanche.

They did it in that movie.

What movie?

Lawrence of Arabia, Rose.

This flier that came in the mail says they're gonna start a dirty-dancing course down at Lawson's dance studio.

What do you say, Dorothy?

Oh, no.

I can't see myself swinging my hips and wildly gyrating my pelvis.

I am not interested.

And the world heaves a collective sigh of relief.

You just hit that music, girl, and follow my lead.

(♪ Latin music) Look into my eyes.

Rose!

(♪ music ends) Hi, girls.

This is not what it looks like.

What they do is their business, but if I ever see your hand on Rose's behind, it'll k*ll me.

Wow, what a hunk.

I know.

Eat your hearts out.

Blanche, did it ever occur to you that possibly Rose or I might be interested in Jake?

Yes.

And you still used every cheap ploy to nab him before we had a chance?

Yes.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Damn, I'm good.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Devereaux.

If the President decides to come, this administration would appreciate it if...

Well, if you didn't hit on him.

I thought everybody'd like some flugelkaka.

Mrs. Nylund, would you mind answering a few questions?

As long as it's not math.

Here, honey, why don't you sit right down here?

He's very nice.

Oh, if you need to know anything else about me, um, I have pictures.

So do we.

Now, our records show that you come from a town called St. Olaf.

You wanna tell me about it?

Mrs. Nylund, are you all right?

It's just that nobody's ever asked before.

Well...

I don't get it.

They don't seem to have anything in common.

I guess it's just like that old saying, you know - "opposites attract." Oh, that's very true.

Back in St. Olaf, Ollie Knutenspringle and his wife Bridget were opposites in every way.

I mean, he was fat, she was thin, he was neat, she was sloppy, he was tall, she was short.

He was cheap, she was extravagant.

He was...

Opposites.

We get the picture!

Anyway, I'll never forget the time they sang at our annual talent show, right after the herring juggling act.

You mean to tell me that somebody actually juggled herring?

No!

It was the herring who did the juggling.

Tiny little Ginsu knives.

Really very dangerous.

I mean, one false move, they could've filleted themselves.

I hate you.

Rose, what in hell are you doing?

It is 2am.

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get up and make a batch of spearhuven krispies.

It's an ancient Scandinavian midnight snack.

I guess after a night of pillaging and raping, a viking wants a little something to go with his cocoa.

Well, they smell God-awful.

Yeah.

Just when you're about ready to throw up from the stench, that's when they're done.

Who wants some?

Rose, if these had been offered to the Donner Party, they still would've eaten each other.

Don't be silly, Dorothy.

They're delicious.

You just have to know how to eat them.

You hold your nose with one hand, and you pop a krispy in your mouth with the other.

Mm.

Mm!

That tastes like cheesecake, fresh strawberries and chocolate ice cream.

My gosh, you're right.

That is the best thing I have ever tasted.

This is delicious.

Mm!

Hey, give me a break.

You can't smell that from the hall.

Then there was the time Hans Erikson wanted to take an elk to the prom.

The whole town was divided on that one.

Pussycat, if you're writing to your brother Phil, tell him I said thanks for the Underoos.

And Spider-Man scared the hell out of my doctor.

I'm not writing to Phil.

I'm just jotting down some things that I want to say to the President.

Oh, Dorothy, you're not gonna make a scene, are you?

Oh, hey, come on.

Give me a little credit.

I mean, it's not like I'm some kind of hothead.

Please!

I'd put you about even with John McEnroe.

Except McEnroe knows when to stop.

Come on, Ma.

She's right.

Don't you remember the ti-How could you forget?

Only spare towels I could find.

Put 'em around the bucket in case the leak spreads.

Wait a minute, Rose.

Is that my Cabana Club beach towel you have there?

Is it this one with the naked man and woman being swept up in the waves?

Yes, that's it.

You can't use this towel.

Blanche, Blanche, it's an emergency.

We'll replace it next week.

Oh, no, you cannot replace this towel.

There are too many fond memories attached to this towel.

Blanche, please.

I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold, wet sand.

I brought my son Skippy home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.

You're lying, Blanche.

Damn, you're good.

♪ Happy birthday, boys and girls

♪ Happy birthday to you Welcome to Mr. Ha Ha's Hotdog Hacienda.

(cheering) Isn't this fun?

Dorothy, you haven't even touched your Mr.

Ha Ha dog.

You're right.

There.

I touched it.

Now it's the Mr. Ha Ha birthday roundup.

When I call your name, please come up on stage.

Robbie Speener!

Please say you didn't do this.

(Mr. Ha Ha) Jeannie Taylor!

Please tell me you didn't do this.

Dorothy Zbornak!

I just wish you'd watch yourself, Dorothy, because we're all pretty excited about this visit.

Forget it, Rose.

If President Bush steps in this house, I'm not gonna waste an opportunity like that.

I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.

You try and talk to her.

Dorothy, if the President comes here, you can't criticize him.

Watch me.

Oh, Dorothy, don't ever antagonize the man who could answer the question, "You and what army?" What's your gripe with the President, anyway?

He calls himself the "education president," but our education system has some serious problems.

I see the illiteracy, I see dropouts, I see kids who can't even find India on a map.

Well, to be fair, Dorothy, that stumped Columbus too.

And education is just part of the problem.

I mean, there's age discrimination, women's rights...

Oh, Rose...

Rose, honey, now why didn't you tell us what was going on?

Because you can't help me find a job.

Because nobody or nothing can make me young again.

Oh, all right, Rose, so your life isn't the same as it used to be.

The rules have changed.

But it's happened before, hasn't it?

I mean, what did you do after Charlie d*ed?

Buried him.

I mean, what did you do the next day, when you had to start putting your life together?

I couldn't do it!

I'd been a housewife for 32 years.

I totally depended on Charlie.

Yeah, but the point is, eventually you did what you had to do.

You took care of yourself.

Sweetheart, you're now in exactly the same position.

Not exactly.

I'm five years older, and nobody wants me around.

Oh, honey, we want you around.

We just can't afford to pay you.

Rose.

Rose, look at me.

Rose, listen.

You are feeling sorry for yourself.

Sure, you're five years older.

So am I, so is Blanche.

All right, so you have a few more wrinkles.

So do I, so has Blanche.

All right, you're a little thicker around the middle.

So is Blanche.

Oh, girls, I am devastated, just devastated.

Honey, what happened?

I asked my teacher for help, like you all told me to.

He said the only way I would get an A on his final is if I sleep with him.

No!

Oh, yes.

I just don't know what to do.

Get it in writing.

Blanche, that is terrible.

I hope you told him off.

Well, first I was so stunned, I didn't know what to say.

And then I marched back up to his desk and I looked him straight in the eye and I said, "I'll think it over." Blanche, there is nothing to think over.

What he did is sexual harassment.

He cannot get away with that.

Nils Felander attempted to harass me repeatedly.

What do you mean, he attempted to?

He worked at Lars Erikson's Drugstore and Tackle Shop.

He was a soda jerk.

Now that I think about it, he was the town jerk.

Every Saturday afternoon I'd go in and have a sundae.

Well, Nils would arrange the ice cream scoops in an obscene way.

I could never prove it because by the time I would take it home to show my father, the...

the evidence had...

(both) Melted.

Yes.

To this day, every time I pass an ice cream parlor or a tackle shop, I blush.

Well, I just got off the phone with Washington.

I'm sorry, ladies, but the President would prefer to visit a more typical American family.

Typical?

We're typical.

I'm the mother, and I have 2.3 children.

You won't find a more typical family than that.

Girls, look.

How do I look?

Oh, great, Blanche.

Great?

Or gorgeous?

Gorgeous.

Well, what about sexy?

Yes.

Enticing?

I'll handle this.

Blanche, no woman ever looked better than you look right now, and no one ever will.

Thank you, Dorothy.

Honestly, Rose, sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get a little compliment out of you.

What do you say, girls?

Are you in this with me?

You bet we are, honey.

This is what friendship is all about - banding together when the going gets tough, sacrificing sleep and personal comfort, putting someone else's need ahead of your own.

It's beautiful.

Let me know how it turns out in the morning.

Good night.

Let's make a pact that we'll always take care of each other, that we'll never desert each other, no matter what.

You can count on me, honey.

Do you think it's gonna be that easy getting rid of me, Rose?

That was rhetorical, Rose.

Ah, but what a comforting thought, knowing you'll never be alone.

And listen, what the hell?

If we do have to go to a nursing home, let's all go together.

But what happens when there's only one of us left?

Don't worry.

I can take care of myself.

Easy, easy.

Ma!

That's my best china.

You got it for me when I got married, you remember?

Who could forget?

I carried it all the way from Sicily!

And for what?

So you could get divorced.

I should have gotten you something returnable, like a donkey.

You know, I've eaten through a lot of great times on these plates.

Yeah.

You know, with Alma here, I've been thinking a lot about the two of us.

What do you mean?

The one thing you never do is treat me like an old lady.

You treat me like a person.

I appreciate that.

You're a good daughter, Dorothy.

Ma, I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know what to say.

I'll tell you what you could say.

You could say I don't owe you the $50.

Ma, you are a crazy lady, and I love ya, I love ya, I love ya.

I love you too, pussycat.

That's beautiful.

I've got to try to convince him to choose you guys.

You're as close as any family I've ever seen.

I can't believe he bought it.

What do you mean, Sophia?

We get along great.

He's got no idea what it's like, living with you monkeys.

I get sick every time I think of the time...

Ma, Rose isn't talking to me.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

Now, good night.

Honey - Oh, hi, Dorothy.

Honey, can I talk to you?

No, go away.

But I can't sleep, Sophia, and it's all because Rose isn't talking to me.

I could care less.

Now get out of my room!

(knocking) (Rose) Sophia?

I'm not in.

Wait for the beep, then leave a message.

Beep.

Hi, this is Rose...

Rose, shut up and get in here!

I see you're with two double-crossing ex-friends of mine.

I'll come back later.

What do you think this is, the 7-Eleven?

I'm not open all night.

Rose, we feel terrible about what we've done.

What have you done?

We're really very sorry.

Sorry about what?

Sorry isn't good enough.

How can I ever trust you again?

Trust who?

Please, Rose, let's not talk about trust after the terrible things you wrote.

Will someone please tell me what the hell you're talking about?

Blanche and I read Rose's diary.

And she wrote some terrible things about us in there.

About you?

I didn't write anything about you.

I didn't even know you when I kept that diary.

What are you talking about?

That was my 4-H diary.

I kept it one summer when I raised two pigs for the county fair.

You kept a diary about raising two pigs?

You know another way to get a 4-H pig diary badge?

Stop!

Even surgical stockings only have so much elastic!

Hello.

Girls, this nightgown is so sheer I believe you can see right through it.

Oh, hello, Fidel.

Hello, Blanche.

How are you?

You don't have cataracts - you tell me.

b*at it, you 50-year-old mattress.

Why, you... you miserable old...

Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.

You know the rules.

When one of you is out with Fidel, the other one does not interfere.

My apologies.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.

You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?

Oh, that does it!

That does it!

No, no, no, no, ladies!

Dorothy, why don't we have a pet?

Anybody want a cr*cker?

Never mind.

(doorbell) Good evening.

Well, I guess you know why I'm here.

Sure.

Nobody can leave after just one helping of flugelkaka.

No, ma'am.

And don't even kid about that.

No, I'm here to tell you that tomorrow the President of the United States will be coming to your house.

Oh, my!

Oh!

What did you...

How did you do that?

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Rose, what's all this?

Oh, I want the President to feel welcome, so I'm making him a sign.

It's gonna say "Welcome, President Bush.

"We are pleased to have you in our home.

"We're really thrilled that you're visiting Miami.

"We hope you have a good time and a safe trip home, "and good luck on running the country." It's catchy, Rose.

Are you sure you want to go to all that trouble?

Honey, he'll just be here a few minutes.

Are you kidding?

This is the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.

More exciting than winning the annual St.

Olaf me-and-my-pet look-alike contest?

Yes.

But mostly because I don't have to swim with a duck in my mouth.

Boy, when the President gets here, am I gonna let him have it.

What do you think I should hit him with first?

Inadequate funding for education?

The plight of the hungry and homeless?

Pollution of the air and the water?

I mean, the problems are endless.

Dorothy, you can't talk like that to the President.

Watch me.

Sure, there are problems, but can't we just pray they'll go away by themselves?

You haven't.

Dorothy, if you make a scene, this whole thing is gonna blow up in our faces.

Why do you say that?

Because something always does.

Let me refresh your memory.

OK, we have the suntan lotion, Chap Stick, and half a dozen cheap, tawdry romance novels.

Then we're all set.

We have everything we need for the cruise.

Girls, listen, maybe we don't have everything we need.

What are we missing?

Well, we are going away for a romantic weekend to the Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy.

In this day and age it might be a good idea to take along some protection.

What kind of protection?

Two armed Pinkerton guards.

No, Blanche is talking about, uh...

A Nestlé's Crunch?

One over.

An enema bag?

To the right.

Dentu-Grip?

Condoms, Rose.

Condoms, condoms, condoms!

Calm down, lady.

You just get outta prison?

Girls, what do you think?

Well, it's not a bad idea, but...

I'm a little embarrassed.

Oh, me too.

Embarrassed?

There's no reason to be embarrassed.

These are discreet professionals.

This is a private matter.

Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own.

I'd like a package of these, please.

And, uh, I'll take these.

And I'll take these.

Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Uh, Joe, I need a price check on some condoms.

These three ladies here want a couple of boxes of the King George prophylactics.

(Joe) The lambskins or the ultrasensitive?

Two of 'em have the lambskins and the blonde has the ultrasensitive, in black.

Plumber.

Could I see some identification?

Come on in.

So, you two are the proud parents of the new Dolan Standard Lowboy, huh?

Yes, we're sending out engraved announcements.

Well, you probably want to get her operational as soon as possible.

After all, she's quite a showpiece.

Where do I install her?

Well, actually, uh, Lou, we're going to install her ourselves.

Follow me.

Hold it.

You're not serious?

Why not?

You gotta be a man, for God's sakes!

You know, to tell you the truth, Lou, women are capable of more than just cleaning these things.

Is that so?

Well, as long as you ladies are playing plumber, why don't you play moving man, too?

Fine!

Fine, we will!

Was that a plumber?

No, Ma, no.

It was a little girl selling Girl Scout toilets.

You let a plumber get away?

We don't need him!

Like hell!

I'm going after him.

Come on, Dorothy, let's move this little beauty.

OK.

Ohh!

Ooh.

Wait, wait.

No, honey, she won't budge.

Oh, Rose, I don't think we're gonna be able to move it.

Dorothy, if the Egyptians built the pyramids, now, we can move this toilet.

Fine.

Get me 20,000 Hebrews, and I'll have it out of here in no time.

Oh, come on.

Give me a minute, I'll think of something.

I'd love you to meet my roommates.

Unfortunately, they're not home right now.

Dorothy, I gotta talk to you.

I owe you a big apology.

For what, Ma?

For what I said before.

You know, about you not knowing a thing about plumbing.

Dorothy, you're a genius.

Ma, wait.

What are you talking about?

I walk into the living room, and there's a toilet in front of the television set.

It's an old lady's dream come true!

You wouldn't believe all the security out there.

Of course, they have to have it.

When the President comes to town, it brings out all the oddballs.

(doorbell) Hi, it's me, Stan.

Stanley, what are you doing here?

I'm glad you asked.

Inside this box is my best novelty yet, not to mention the perfect tie-in to the President's visit.

Ladies...

the George Bush point of light on a stick.

You know, Dorothy, every now and then it dawns on me you had children with this man.

Stanley, get out.

Wait.

Please.

I just took a bath on those Daniel Ortega buttons that say "four more years." Out!

I can never tell when you ladies are kidding.

Out!

Out!

Good one.

Stan, I want you gone before the President gets here.

Come on, Dorothy.

I'm a big fan.

Maybe he'd like to meet me.

I almost voted for him.

I would've if I could have registered.

You know those things go straight to the IRS?

So could I.

See you.

Oh, what did I ever see in that man?

Don't blame yourself.

You were young, you were carefree.

You were just one of those girls who marries the first guy who knocks her up.

(doorbell) Gee, this is really cool.

Yeah, I see that you've met...

Stanley Zbornak.

A novelty salesman, your ex-husband, father of your children, and if you don't mind me saying, first-class yutz.

Wow, they do know everything.

We had to run security clearances on everyone.

Everyone passed except for you, Mrs. Petrillo.

I can't believe it!

I spend one lousy night with Mussolini - and I do mean lousy - and I'm marked for life.

No, that's not it.

Our records list you as both Sophia Petrillo and Sophia Weinstock.

What's the deal?

Are you trying to hide something?

Is there a Mr. Weinstock?

OK, OK.

I'm tired of running.

Where do I begin?

Max Weinstock and my late husband, Salvadore, were in the restaurant business together in Brooklyn.

They had known each other since...

Ma, what's the matter?

Esther Weinstock is dead.

We grew up together.

She was my best friend.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What happened?

She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.

She was 88!

Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

Sophia?

Dorothy, do you hear a dog howling?

Behave yourself.

Hello, Mr. Weinstock.

Oh, my goodness, as I live and breathe!

Unfortunately.

You're little Dorothy Petrillo.

That's right.

You haven't changed a bit.

Same gorgeous smile.

Pretty eyes, beautiful figure, long golden blonde hair.

You have cataracts, don't you, Mr. Weinstock?

Since 1967.

Let's go.

Sophia.

Esther would have appreciated you being here.

I loved that woman.

She was the best, which is why she deserved a better husband.

Instead of a miserable, no-good, lowlife sleazeball.

Sophia, if you knew now what I knew then...

Ah, so what.

If you've got something to say, spit it out, Weinstock.

Don't push me, or I will.

There.

I pushed.

Too bad you weren't on a flight of stairs.

Ma, Ma, you're creating a scene.

Look, that was a long time ago.

Forget about it.

I can't forget.

This man stole money from us.

Because of him, our family went hungry.

Ma, we never went hungry.

Some nights I felt like dessert.

Listen, why don't we just leave this mess and go out and get something to eat?

Yeah, I'll ask Ma if she'd like to come.

It'll do her good to get out of the house.

Oh, she's been so depressed since she got back from that funeral.

I mean, she lost one of her oldest friends, and even though she made up with Max, she'll probably never see him again.

Well, you go and get her, we will try to cheer her up.

We don't want that poor little thing getting sick over this.

No.

(Dorothy) Ma!

Oh, my God!

Dorothy, what is it?

What, honey?

Oh!

Good Lord.

Ma, what is going on here?

Afterglow.

So let's see if I've got this straight.

You and this Max Weinstock were...

Getting it on.

Thank you.

If you write that down, make it three times a night.

He'd like that.

And send me a copy.

So this was a casual fling?

Please.

I'm not the love 'em and leave 'em type.

At my age, I don't have the strength to do both.

We got married.

It was a lovely ceremony, no thanks to Dorothy.

Ma, listen, I have to talk to you.

Who's in charge here?

What's the problem?

I'm the caterer.

It's two o'clock.

The guests are waiting.

Why isn't the show on the road?

Ma, I know you're in there.

The wedding is off.

She doesn't approve.

She doesn't approve?

Now, look here, Stretch.

I have a hundred cheese puffs and a sensitive assistant both on the verge of collapse.

Whatever the problem is, overlook it.

My mother did with my marriage.

And if you say something smart, I'll slap you silly.

Listen, this is a private moment, so butt out, Rambo.

Ma, I have a confession to make.

Ma, I came here to beg you for the last time not to get married.

I didn't want you and Max together because it looked like you were cheating on Pop.

I know it doesn't make any sense, but I still think of the two of you as being married, and I didn't want Max taking Pop's place.

But now that I see the two of you so much in love, I realize I was just being selfish, Ma.

Ma, I want you to be happy.

And I know Pop would too.

I love you, pussycat.

This is more moving than Susan Hayward's climactic speech in I Want To Live!

You're ready to fly right out of here, aren't you?

Well, excuse me for living, Anita Bryant.

Could we please get married already, so I can get in on the hugging?

Places!

Oh, Sophia.

Honey, I want to wish you all the happiness in the world.

Oh, thank you, Blanche.

And, Sophia, I want to offer you a tradition Scandinavian wedding blessing.

Keflectoflafen flafenflurfen, potetaflingin faflafen.

I'm really touched.

I'm also soaking wet.

All right!

One group hug, and let's hit the road.

Oh, Sophia, honey...

(♪ organist plays "The Wedding March" by Wagner) Uh-oh.

Either I mixed the Elvis list with the wedding list, or everyone in Max's family appeared on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Who cares already?

Let's just do it!

We are gathered here today to join this man and this woman in matrimony.

I just love weddings!

Oh, me too, me too.

You think you'll ever get married again?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't think so.

Me neither.

How about you, Blanche?

Oh, absolutely.

If the right man ever came along.

Course, he'd have to have the body of Mr. Mel Gibson, the personality of Mr. Johnny Carson, and the financial resources of Mr. Donald Tr*mp.

I have a feeling the three of us are going to be together for a long time.

And do you, Max, take Sophia to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Then if no Elvis in this room has any objection to this union, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

♪ I do love you ♪ With all my heart ♪ Blue skies of Hawaii smile ♪ On this ♪ Our wedding day ♪ Ahahuh!

Well, thank you, Mrs. Petrillo.

By the way, what happened to Mr. Weinstock?

We found out we weren't compatible.

Thank God it was before we had kids.

All right.

Now that the Weinstock mystery is cleared up, I only have one more question to ask.

What organizations do you belong to?

We have to make sure none of them could be considered a thr*at to the President.

Oh, well, I'm a member of the Sierra Club, and Blanche belongs to the Daughters of the Confederacy.

And I'm a member of the Otto Club of St. Olaf.

Actually I'm an honorary member.

My name's not Otto.

I don't think that group could be considered subversive.

Subversive?

As in, "Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by force or v*olence?" v*olence.

Rose!

Actually there is one other organization that Rose and I belong to.

We might as well tell him.

He'll find out sooner or later.

Well, that about concludes the first meeting of the Hunk-a Hunk-a Burnin' Love Fan Club.

But before we adjourn, our secretary has a real special surprise.

A genuine Elvis artifact!

(oohs and aahs) It's a partially-eaten pork chop.

Let me see.

He had beautiful teeth, didn't he?

It's wonderful!

This has to be a fake.

Elvis would never have left this much meat on a pork chop.

(laughs hysterically) Dorothy, you're out of the club.

Meeting is adjourned.

Thank you, ladies.

See you next week.

Thank you for coming.

Well, I hope you're not too upset over this, Dorothy.

I've just been thrown out of an unauthorized Elvis fan club.

I'll try to pick up the pieces and go on with my life.

I mean, there must be a support group for people like me.

We're sorry, Dorothy, but the bylaws clearly state that any derogatory remarks about the King are grounds for immediate expulsion.

Maybe you ought to join an organization that is a little less fanatical in its devotion.

Like what, Blanche?

The PLO?

Is anyone as nervous as I am?

I can't believe I'm gonna meet the President of the United States.

Oh, if I say something stupid, I'll die.

Can we make a donation in lieu of flowers?

Dorothy, you're not still planning on saying all those things to the President, are you?

Oh, absolutely.

When he comes through that door, I am ready for him.

Read my lips.

I'm telling him off.

I'm telling him o...

Well, it's not really fair, 'cause I can hear you.

Dorothy, am I showing too much cleavage?

Yes.

Then I'm ready for him too.

(doorbell) Ladies, the motorcade is running late.

Now, the President won't actually be coming into the house.

He'll just be at the door for a photo opportunity.

So, Mrs. Devereaux, you might want to cover up.

(sirens) Oh!

Here he comes.

Mr. President, I'd like you to meet Rose Nylund.

Hello, Mr. President.

Can I ask you something?

(President) Why, sure.

Is the Oval Office as hard to vacuum as I think it is?

(President) Well, I don't know.

There hasn't been a Hoover in the White House in, oh, 60 years.

(President laughs) (all laugh) That was a good one, sir.

And this is Sophia Petrillo.

(President) Well, thank you for letting me visit your home.

You know, where I come from, when you visit somebody, you bring a little something.

A marble cake would've been nice.

Sophia!

What?

This is the President of the United States.

Then he should know better.

And this is...

Blanche Devereaux.

It's a real pleasure, Mr. President.

My!

You do have a lot of Secret Service men, don't you?

Hi, Blanche.

Hi, fellas.

Thank you, Mrs. Devereaux.

And, Mr. President, this is Dorothy Zbornak.

Dorothy, please?

(President) Hello, Miss Zbornak.

I, uh...

Oh...

(Agent Bell) Miss Zbornak is a teacher, Mr. President.

(President) Do you have suggestions maybe on how we can help with this education thing?

Y...

Bush.

(President) Well, it's good to know we have your backing.

Do you wanna let go of my hand now?

I think he means right now.

Oh, y...

(President) Well, I hope you've enjoyed this as much as I have.

Goodbye, ladies.

Goodbye, Mr. President.

(cars drive away)

(sirens)

I think he got the message.