05x22 - Cheaters

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Morning.

Morning, honey.

I had the strangest dream last night.

I was at a baseball game.

Charlie Brown was pitching and Schroeder was behind the plate.

And Lucy and Snoopy were in the outfield and they wouldn't let me play.

When I woke up I was crying.

What do you suppose it all means?

Peanuts envy?

Good morning.

Hey, you got home pretty late last night.

When I went to bed you still weren't in.

I was up all night with Mel Bushman, having one of our "where is this relationship going?" talks.

And where is it going?

Where it usually goes - room 506 at the Quality Court.

Oh, I hate him.

God, if only he didn't wanna talk.

Oh, by the way, right after I got in, you got a phone call.

Oh...

From a Glen somebody.

Glen O'Brien?

Uh-huh.

Did he leave a number?

Who's Glen O'Brien?

He's the married guy she shacked up with four years ago.

Look, I'm not proud of what I did, but it didn't seem so bad at the time.

He was trapped in a bad marriage.

There's no such thing as being trapped in a marriage.

In this country you can get divorced.

In Sicily there was no divorce.

If you wanted to end a marriage, you had to resort to the lupara.

Is that some kind of legal loophole?

It's some kind of sawed-off shotgun.

Blanche, did he leave a number?

No.

Dorothy, dropping him was the smartest thing you did.

What are you gonna do if he calls again?

Don't talk to him!

Why not?

Four years is a long time.

Maybe he's divorced.

Do you think?

Sure.

Why else would he call?

Stay away from him.

See him.

Keep some self-respect.

Self-respect is for losers like Rose.

Well, sure.

You'd have some great times and some fabulous sex, but is that worth your self-respect?

Not now, loser.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, look.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to interrupt.

I'm sure this is a very worthy cause, but to be perfectly frank, at this moment, I couldn't give a flying fig about whooping cranes.

No, I have to keep the line free.

Fine.

I'll send you a check.

Hold it, let me grab a pencil.

OK.

Whooping Cranes...

Box 1990, Newcastle, Louisiana, got it.

Glad I could help.

Bye-bye.

Blanche is taking me to the mall.

Wanna come?

I don't think so.

You're not teaching today.

It'll be fun.

No, I think I'd just rather sit here and read.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Yes, I heard you called.

What a pleasant surprise.

Well...

I'm pretty sure I can make it.

Just let me check my book.

I seem to be clear.

He must have asked her out this century.

Where?

Fine.

Fine, all right.

Bye-bye.

What did he say?

He said he had something important to talk about.

Oh, that's my favorite lie.

Dorothy, you'll be sorry.

Ma, come on.

We liked each other.

He's a funny, warm, giving man.

He made me laugh.

I am seeing him.

All right.

Go ahead, meet your adulterer, but remember you were brought up a lady.

Keep both your feet on the floor.

I'd go better change.

Blanche, what should I wear?

If you're gonna keep both feet on the floor something you can pull off over your head.

I don't care what that salesgirl said.

I looked good in that bathing suit.

You know, sometimes I wish I did live in Brazil.

Excuse me, did one of you ladies drop this?

Is there any money in it?

Uh-huh.

I dropped it.

Sophia, you did nothing of the kind.

A lot of money in here.

That does look a little bit like Sophia's wallet.

It's a man's wallet.

Did either of you see who did drop it?

Afraid not, no.

There's over $2,000 in here.

Whoever lost this must be found.

We should turn it in to lost and found.

Wait a minute!

You're gonna give that money to a guy who makes two bucks an hour watching umbrellas?

That's a good point.

Besides, there's no ID in here.

What if we put a notice in the newspaper?

After a certain amount of time, if nobody claimed the wallet, then we could...

Split it.

Then we could split it.

I know that is what I would want people to do if I lost my wallet.

Sure.

Hold it.

Who's gonna keep the money?

I don't know you well enough to trust you.

And her I know.

So we got a problem.

This is off-the-top-of-my-head stuff, but maybe we're too close to the problem.

Maybe we should ask somebody who doesn't have a stake in this.

Maybe they could find a solution.

Dumb idea?

It's worth a try.

How about that nun over there?

What if she guilts us into giving it to charity?

I think we can agree that that's the last thing we wanna do.

On the other hand, she is a shopping nun.

She could be OK.

Excuse me.

Sister.

Yes.

These ladies and I found a wallet with money in it.

But until the rightful owner shows up to claim it, we were wondering where we could put it so it'd be safe.

In a bank?

But whose bank?

Couldn't you open a joint account in all your names?

I don't know.

See, I really don't know these people.

Well, maybe you could both put up equal amounts of your own money to show mutual good faith and open up an account.

If the money isn't claimed, you could withdraw it and split it.

If it is, at least you've made some interest.

Oh, that sounds too complicated.

I think it would work.

I'd certainly be willing to put up $2,000 of my money if you two would put up $1,000 each.

Thank you so much for your help, sister.

Go with God.

Sophia, I just don't know.

Come on.

Dorothy's bank is right over there.

She lets me draw on her account.

If he's honest enough to put up his money, we should be willing to do the same.

I guess it seems fair.

OK.

Great.

Let's go.

Sophia.

Remember, found money is supposed to be spent on something frivolous, something you would never buy for yourself.

What are you gonna get?

Underwear?

(door bell)

Dorothy.

Hi.

You look very pretty.

So do you.

Come in.

Nice place.

Yeah, well...

I was left a little strapped by the settlement.

Can I get you something to drink?

Settlement?

The divorce settlement.

I got to keep half my self-respect and she got to keep everything else.

Anyway, that's why I had to talk to you.

I had to find out how you were doing.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm doing just fine.

Maybe I will have just a glass of water.

Gee, it seems so strange not meeting you in a hotel room.

I guess I shouldn't steal the towels.

Ooh, towels.

Yeah, I gotta put that on my shopping list.

Right next to "soap" and "broad with job." I've missed you, Dorothy.

Good water.

I'm having a little trouble getting used to the idea that you're divorced, because I remember you told me that no matter how bad the marriage was, you felt that you were too old to just leave it for an uncertain future.

Kidding.

No.

Actually, I didn't have any choice in the matter.

She divorced me.

What happened?

She found you with someone else?

No.

She found herself with someone else.

I can't say that I blame her.

I mean, there was really nothing left between us.

Since things are different now, do you think there's any chance we could start over?

I don't know.

I mean, you know, four years.

Is there someone else?

No.

No, there's no one else.

Good.

You know what's interesting?

I just read somewhere that the cells in the human body completely regenerate themselves every seven years.

Isn't that interesting?

Uh-huh.

I...

I guess that means that we're 40% of who we were, you know, four years ago.

Dorothy.

Yes.

Actually, it's four and a half years, so that makes it closer to 35%.

You know what?

The last thing my mother said to me was that she wanted me to keep my feet on the floor.

My mother wanted me to be a priest.

I guess it's a bad day for mothers.

Rose.

Hi, how did shopping go?

Great.

Great.

It was great.

Really great.

Best shopping ever.

I was just gonna make some lemonade.

I bet you girls could really use some.

(both)

Great.

Okey-dokey.

Sophia, remember, we swore we don't tell anybody.

Not even Dorothy?

It was her money.

Nobody.

I just couldn't stand the humiliation.

You want the world to know that a perfect stranger tricked us out of $2,000?

OK, OK.

I won't tell anybody.

You don't have to worry about me, Blanche.

No one will get a word out of me.

I swear on my uncle Guido's grave.

Then the guy gave us the envelope with his money, our money, and the found money in it.

Blanche and I went to open the joint account and when the teller opened the envelope, there were just scraps of paper in it.

I don't remember any more.

That's all you're gonna get from me, no matter how many times you hit me.

Sophia, what about your uncle Guido?

He's fine.

I got a postcard from him this morning.

You two were victims of the oldest confidence game going - the pigeon drop.

But he just seemed so honest.

Well, that's why it's called a confidence game.

He has to win your confidence or you wouldn't put up the money.

It wasn't his idea.

The nun suggested it.

She was part of the team.

They always work in pairs.

I don't know what the church is coming to.

I thought it stopped with bingo.

That was no nun.

I work for a consumer protection show.

We've been warning people about this for months.

Once these scamsters have your money in an envelope, they make a switch and you wind up with worthless paper.

They prey on the old and the gullible.

Are you calling me gullible?

No.

There is one thing I think you should both do right away - inform the police.

Oh, forget it.

The reason these confidence men don't get caught is because people are embarrassed to come forward and admit they were conned.

I'm sorry, Rose.

I just can't.

Well, perhaps this little story might make you change your mind.

Back in St.

Olaf...

there was a shepherd boy who tended his flock on the hill above the town.

A wolf kept coming down and stealing his sheep, but the boy never caught him doing it.

Because he never saw it happening, he became known around St.

Olaf as the boy who didn't cry wolf.

Anyway, one day the townspeople heard the boy on the hill yelling, "Wolf, Wolf." Well, they all figured, if the boy never cried wolf when the wolf was there, if he yelled wolf now, it stood to reason the wolf wasn't there.

Boy, nothing gets by you people.

Damn straight.

It was a bear.

A huge, ferocious, grizzly bear.

What happened to the boy?

He became known as the boy who cried continuously.

I just got off the phone with Sergeant Delfino of the bunko squad.

They picked up two people who matched the description we gave 'em.

They want us to come down tomorrow and pick out nuns from a lineup.

That must make you feel proud.

That's what Sergeant Delfino said.

"Why, you must feel proud knowing that by having come forth as you have, you have possibly saved other oldsters from a similar rip-off." He called me an oldster.

I called him a pig.

We're having dinner on Saturday.

I really appreciate this - your meeting my mother.

Hey, you wanna get married?

Instead of meeting my mother?

No.

We can do both.

It's kind of sudden.

Think about it.

I will.

I mean, this is something to think about.

OK, let's go.

Oh, God, this is gonna be awful.

I'm looking forward to this.

You meet the mother, it gives you a pretty good idea what the daughter's gonna look like in 30 years.

Only if you lock me in the drier.

Everybody, this is Glen.

Glen, I'd like you to meet...

Don't tell me.

Rose, Blanche and Mrs. Petrillo.

These are for you.

Cannoli?

What does an Irishman know about cannoli?

When I was a kid in Brooklyn, every Sunday, my father used to go to Zampano's bakery for cannoli.

I never dreamed you grew up in Brooklyn.

Oh, sure.

Our whole block was Irish.

The other block was Italian.

We used to take turns b*ating each other up on the way home from school.

I think it's nice when kids take turns.

Blanche, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute?

Oh, sure.

I'll be right back, Glen.

I think you'll be OK.

So, Glen.

How come you cheated on your wife?

Wow.

Straight to Final Jeopardy, huh?

OK.

Bernice and I had been separated emotionally for years when I met Dorothy, and right or wrong, I've never been anything but grateful that that happened.

What else you wanna know about me?

Sophia, I think it's time you stopped subjecting this nice man to the third degree.

I had to check him out.

Dorothy's a smart, attractive girl, but when it comes to picking men, she's all thumbs.

But she's clean and she's got good teeth.

Cannoli?

I had to tell somebody and I couldn't wait another minute.

Glen asked me to marry him.

Pay dirt!

Well, are you gonna do it?

I haven't had time to make up my mind.

Don't dawdle.

Men have a very short memory span when it comes to that question.

Sometimes they forget before you can get your clothes back on.

Dorothy, Glen is such a charmer.

He and Sophia are really getting along.

Can I tell her?

Glen asked Dorothy to marry him.

Do it.

Oh, marry him, Dorothy.

Even if you have to sign one of those prenatal agreements.

Oh, I'm so happy.

Am I too happy?

Why am I so happy?

Is this too good to be true?

You are such a pessimist, always looking on the dark side.

A fine pessimist I'd be if I didn't.

Oh, girls.

Group hug.

Ma, what are you doing up?

Just having a Maalox moment.

What about you?

Thinking about Glen.

This whole thing is so rushed.

Ma, I'm afraid.

I'm too old to make another mistake.

I don't wanna make a fool out of myself.

Pussycat, you're never too old to make a fool of yourself.

Those were your exact words when I told you I lost that money and you were right.

I never felt so stupid.

Of course, I would have felt more stupid if it had been my money instead of yours.

Ma, what do you think I should do?

No one can help you with that decision, Dorothy.

I can't tell you what to do.

I mean, I won't be around forever.

I'd like to know there was someone here to love you and take care of you like you take care of me.

Maybe he could give you a bigger allowance.

It's nice to buy something that's not generic.

You know what I'm saying, Dorothy?

Yes, Ma.

And it's nice, you saying you love me and you care.

No.

I'm saying buy genuine Q-Tips.

If I'm gonna put a stick in my ear, I'd like a little cotton at the end.

Remind me before you leave...

I went back to the bakery and got your mother some anis cookies.

You don't have to try so hard.

To be honest, I still can't believe how much my mother liked you.

I liked her too.

One thing puzzled me though.

When you were all in the kitchen, why did she keep asking me if I'd lost this wallet with 50 bucks in it?

My mom, the eternal girl scout.

You were very quiet on the way over.

You gave me a lot to think about.

Oh, come on.

You had to see it coming.

I just didn't expect it so soon.

So what do you say?

Marry me and take me away from all this.

(phone rings)

Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Bernice.

No, I'm alone.

Well, what do you want?

Yeah, sure.

I'll sign 'em tomorrow.

OK.

Bye.

"I'm alone"?

It's gonna take a while for everybody to get used to this.

So what do you say?

Will you marry me?

I wanna get my life together.

I'm really no good being single.

Just look around.

I am looking and listening, and I can't help but remember that I've been in the room before when your wife called and you said you were alone.

Then you were cheating on her.

With you.

Yes.

But I've also been Bernice and have my husband call me and he was always alone too.

I was married to Stanley for 38 years and for approximately 39 of those years, he cheated on me.

I told a little lie because it's gonna take her some time to get used to the idea of you and me.

Well, I'm going to need a little time to get used to it too.

Look, I'm...

I'm not saying you're a cheat or I'm not saying that you're like Stan.

I don't know.

Maybe there's something wrong with me.

That I'm not trusting enough but...

I'm gonna need some time.

So what are you telling me?

It's gonna be months or years?

Or maybe never?

Dorothy, if we were both 25, I could wait but I need someone in my life now.

Are you sure that you wanna marry me or are you just afraid to be alone?

Who wants to be alone?

Nobody.

I don't.

But if you're marrying me because I happen to be on the top of the list, then... maybe I shouldn't be on the list.

So I guess this is it, huh?

I guess so.

I still love you, Dorothy.

I love you too.

If you change your mind...

If you change yours.

There's no reason why my mother shouldn't have the cookies.