05x20 - Twice in a Lifetime

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Thank you.

Pussycat, I'm going out.

Can you give me some money?

What happened to the money I gave you last night?

Let's see.

Ten bucks went for cover charge, ten bucks went for a round of drinks.

And the other ten went into the G-string of a very cute male dancer named Mr.

Big.

I know that guy.

That's just a stage name.

Ma, I don't like this new crowd that you're hanging out with.

Why are you with these people?

They're the in-crowd.

Look, the Senior Citizens' Center is divided into three cliques - the hip group, the not-so-hip group and the broken hip group.

Which group would you wanna be in?

Ma, when I was a kid, you told me it wasn't important to be in a popular clique.

You always said, "Just be yourself." Sure, that was because no one liked you.

This is why, when I was a kid, I had an imaginary mother.

I can't believe it.

Buzz Mueller just called.

He's in town.

Buzz Mueller?

I haven't seen Buzz in almost 40 years, since we were dating in high school.

Rose, I didn't think you dated anyone before Charlie.

Actually, it was while I dated Charlie.

Rose Nylund.

You were in a love triangle and never told us.

I didn't think you'd be interested.

But you were certain that we'd be interested in the story about little Yimminy, the boy who was raised by a wild moose?

May I remind you, Dorothy, that moose didn't just raise little Yimminy, he put him through medical school.

Why were you dating Buzz at the same time as Charlie?

Because I didn't know which one I liked better.

They were so different.

Charlie liked to do all the typical teenage things.

When we'd go to a drive-in movie, he'd hide me in the trunk so we only had to pay admission for one.

After the movie he'd drive me home, let me out of the trunk and tell me all about it.

But I was looking for someone more exciting.

That's when Buzz came along.

He was St. Olaf's heppest cat.

A musician - you know the type.

He once put a whole box of Chiclets in his mouth on a dare.

Cool.

Well, I almost married Buzz.

We were talking about it when he got a call from the Spike Jones Band.

They need someone to make the whoop sound when Spike dropped his pants.

Just before he went to New York, Buzz told me he'd be back, but I never saw him again.

I waited for a while, but one gig led to another...

Meanwhile, Charlie and I got closer.

You know what happened after that.

Well, did Buzz ever get married?

No.

He just traveled the world playing his music.

So how did you finally get over Buzz?

I never really did entirely.

To this day, whenever I see a man drop his pants, some little part of me wants to go whoop!

I know what you mean.

Ma, we need to talk.

I waited up for you until two in the morning.

And you still weren't home.

Oh, yeah.

Gertie and I and some of the girls went to Wolfie's to pick up guys.

I called Wolfie's at 11.

You weren't there.

Guess who got lucky?

Oh, God.

What can I tell you?

A couple of egg creams, the fluorescent lights, and a retired jeweler named Schlomo all conspired to make a night of enchantment.

Not for me.

I can't tell you some of the horrible thoughts I had about what might have happened to you, although none as horrible as what you just described.

You're making too much of this.

No, I'm not.

Ma, I'm putting my foot down.

I don't like this new crowd.

So from now on I want you home at 11.

They're my friends and I like them.

I'm sorry, Ma.

This is the way it's going to be as long as you're living with me.

Good morning.

Blanche, I'm giving you 30 days' notice.

What?

I don't wanna live under this roof anymore.

I'm moving.

Don't give it a second thought.

Good morning, ladies.

Good morning, Miles.

How was the bird-watching?

Oh, Blanche, it was thrilling.

Have you eve seen a purple martin early in the morning?

Yes, I have.

Martin Gelman.

Mr.

"Watch me leapfrog over this parking meter." Well, Rose, you wanna go see a movie tonight?

Actually, I'm expecting an old boyfriend from high school.

His name's Buzz Mueller and I haven't seen him in 40 years.

But if this really bothers you?

Oh, no.

I totally understand.

It's too bad.

I was gonna take you to see Henry V.

It's just as well.

I always think by the time they get to number five, those sequels get pretty predictable.

Goodbye, Rose.

Goodbye.

I can't believe you told him that.

But it's true.

Did you doubt for a minute Rocky was gonna b*at that Russian?

I mean didn't you leave out some important details about your relationship with Buzz?

No.

She did exactly the right thing.

I never tell men about my past.

Why?

Takes too long.

(doorbell)

Rose.

Buzz.

You're blonde.

You let your eyebrows grow back.

You like 'em?

Love 'em.

You are incredibly beautiful.

Oh, thank you, Buzz.

These are my roommates, Dorothy and Blanche.

Hello, there.

Pleased to meet you.

Tell me, Buzz, is "Buzz" short for something?

No.

Actually, it's not an unusual name in St. Olaf.

Everybody in my family is named Buzz.

Buzz and I are going out to lunch.

You're kidding?

Buzz is here too?

Sorry, girls.

This one's mine.

Ma, you're still here?

I thought you were moving.

I will be, smarty-pants.

I found out about this agency that matches elderly people with roommates.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Hi, Miles.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can't make it tonight.

I have a 24-hour Buzz...

bug!

Well, I'll call you tomorrow.

Thanks.

Bye-bye.

I should have told him I have a date with Buzz.

God, I hate me right now.

What a shame.

We finally have something in common and I'm moving.

I've never done anything like this before.

Tell me, is it possible to love two men at the same time?

Set the scene.

Have we been drinking?

Rose, are you saying that you love Buzz?

I don't know, but these last few days with him have been wonderful.

(doorbell)

When I'm with him it feels like old times.

Hi, adorable.

Ladies.

Wow, you're the first sighted person I've ever seen in a suit like that.

I'm dressed like this because the band just had a rehearsal for our European tour.

It's a beauty.

Rose, how about some ice cream?

You ladies care to join us?

No thanks.

We don't wanna spoil our dinner.

Not that that outfit hasn't done a good job already.

Buzz, I'm not sure I should go.

You see, I haven't been totally honest with you.

I'm involved with someone else.

His name is Miles and he means a lot to me.

Rosie, I never should have left you 40 years ago.

I can still see you standing on the platform as the train started to roll by.

Remember, Rose?

You were walking alongside, tears rolling down your cheeks.

When the train picked up a little speed, you started to run.

Suddenly you were out of sight.

It was very painful for me.

For me too.

I ran face first into the crossing signal.

Rose, have dinner with me tonight.

You know, Miles can have you for the rest of his life, but I've only got tonight.

OK.

But I don't want you to stand out in that outfit.

I'll go change into something plaid.

Hi, girls.

Hi, Rose.

How was dinner with Buzz?

He asked me to go to Europe with him.

Rose, what about Miles?

I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

For some reason, Buzz just doesn't wanna take Miles with us.

Well, I'm leaving.

I found a compatible roommate.

There's my new address and number.

Come on.

Ma, you're joking.

It's no joke.

Ciao, auf Wiedersehen, arrivederci and sayonara.

Gee, she could have at least said goodbye.

Oh, it's you.

I thought maybe Sophia had come home.

Oh, no.

She'll be back in the morning.

She's trying to teach me a lesson.

I know my mother.

Oh, really?

You're the one who said she wasn't gonna leave in the first place.

Dorothy, it's not just your mother who left.

I feel like she's my mother too.

I know, honey, but don't worry.

She'll be back.

Now that she's gone, who am I gonna go to in the middle of the night with my deepest personal problems?

Wait a minute.

You went to my mother's room in the middle of the night?

Many, many times.

Two or three times a week.

And she was always so kind and comforting.

I don't understand.

Every time I'd knock on her door late at night, she'd say, "Not now.

I'm watching Bob Costas." Sophia doesn't have a TV in her room.

I know.

Then after we'd finished talking, she'd always give me a piece of hard candy and a kiss goodnight.

I can't sleep.

And what's worse, I went to Sophia's room for one of our talks and then I remembered she left, thanks to you, Dorothy.

You had late-night talks with my mother?

All the time.

And she gave you hard candy?

No.

I'd ask, but she was always afraid I'd choke on it.

We just gotta get her back.

Don't worry.

One sleepless night in a strange bed will be enough for her.

In the morning, I'll go over and bring her back.

Sophia's not the only one with a sleepless night ahead of her.

To tell you the truth, I don't know what to do about Buzz.

This might be a second chance at love.

I'm thinking of going to Europe with him.

Rose, quite frankly, I don't get it.

What is this hold that Buzz has over you?

I know exactly what she's going through.

First love can be very powerful.

I felt the same way about Hayward Boyle, the star pitcher on our high school baseball team.

An amazing athlete.

That boy had exceptional control.

He was always up for extra innings.

And his delivery...

All right, Blanche.

Enough!

Yeah, we get it.

So what was he like in bed?

Good morning, Maria.

Good morning, Mrs.

Petrillo.

Did you have trouble sleeping?

No.

Why?

Last night I woke up and you were sitting on a chair in my room.

Oh, yeah.

Well, where I used to live, the bathroom was across the hall.

Sorry.

It won't happen again.

Should I draw your bath?

I can draw my own bath.

I can do everything by myself.

OK, Mrs.

Petrillo.

You're the boss.

Look, I'm not the boss.

I'm a poor immigrant from Italy and I feel uncomfortable having somebody wait on me hand and foot.

(doorbell)

(both)

I'll get it.

Sit.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Dorothy, look at this.

Oh!

What do you want?

Well, we were just in the neighborhood.

We thought we'd stop by and see if you need anything.

Obviously better security.

Oh, Dorothy, the art in this room is magnificent.

I know.

I work in a museum.

I'm an art expert.

Look at this Renoir.

Actually, that's a Seurat.

His signature style was pointillism.

Notice how the little dots of color seem to blend together from a distance.

Oh, yeah.

Wanna see the Jackson Pollock in the john?

I'd love to.

Come on.

I gotta scrub the toilet anyway.

Ma, we have to talk.

There's nothing to talk about.

Oh, here's my roomie.

Hi, Malcolm.

Who's Malcolm?

You are.

OK.

Ma, he's a man.

I didn't know you moved in with a man.

What difference does it make?

He's over 100 years old.

I'm not sure he knows I'm a woman.

I think Amos and Andy are on the wireless tonight.

What do you say we stay home and laugh our asses off?

Malcolm, I told you I'm going out with the girls tonight.

Yeah, you always were the ladies' man, Tommy.

Ma, are you happy here?

Sure.

I live in a palace.

I got a maid.

It's a dream come true.

Look, Ma, I want you to come home.

I miss you.

We all miss you.

Ma, we're your family and you belong with us.

Can I still hang out with my friends?

No.

Wrong answer.

Ma.

I'm not being arbitrary.

I am worried about you.

All your friends are in their 80s.

You're driving at night, sometimes in bad weather.

You go to restaurants and eat spicy food and you're sick for three days.

I'm sorry, Ma.

I just can't say yes.

Bye.

Ma.

Ma!

You must be Tommy's boy.

How's the team look this year?

(doorbell)

Coming.

Miles, what are you doing here?

Rose, I want the truth.

There's something going on between you and Buzz.

Yes, Miles, there is something going on.

I'm just not sure what it is.

(doorbell)

There's someone at the door, Rose.

(doorbell)

Rose, aren't you going to answer the door?

Hi, cutie.

Hello.

Buzz, this is Miles.

Miles, Buzz.

So you're Buzz?

So you're Miles?

You're Buzz.

You're Miles.

Buzz.

Miles.

Rose.

Huh?

Rose, I'd like to have a few words with you alone.

I'm sure Buzz won't mind.

I'll wait out on the lanai, pumpkin.

So...

is this the end of the road for us, pumpkin?

Oh, Miles.

Can't you see I'm overwhelmed?

I'm confused.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Fine.

Let me help make it easy for you.

Dump Buzz.

Miles, I know it's asking a lot, but I'm gonna need a little time to figure this out All right.

OK.

I understand.

It's just the thought of losing you, Rose.

It scares me.

I love you, dammit.

I want us to be together.

We should be together because we wanna be, not because I boxed you into a corner with an ultimatum.

You take all the time you need, Rose.

I'll be waiting.

Coast clear?

Yeah.

Buzz, I've been thinking.

Why don't we spend some time getting to know each other before we go rushing off to Europe?

I know all I need to know.

Oh, now, look.

If you need a little bit more time, why don't I go to Europe, do what I have to do and then I'll come back for you?

That's exactly what you told me 40 years ago.

You never came back.

Yeah, but you got married.

I figure we both made mistakes.

We're even.

I don't think I made a mistake.

I wouldn't trade in my time with Charlie for anything.

I'm glad I didn't wait for you then, Buzz.

And I'm not gonna wait for you this time either.

Well...

I guess I'd better get going.

All right, you!

Get your hands off my woman!

Don't hit me, don't hit me, don't hit me!

I'm in the arts.

Miles.

I'm not finished, Rose.

I take back what I said before.

I'm not gonna sit around eating my heart out while you date somebody else.

I want you to stop seeing Buzz.

Okey dokey.

Because if you don't...

I'm sorry, but what did you say?

I said okey dokey.

Okey...

Okey...

I can't believe it.

After all these years of being sensitive, I barge in here like some macho jerk, and I get exactly what I want.

Oh, Miles, I find this side of you very exciting.

Well, it's the jungle cat in me.

I'll try to keep it carefully hidden, of course.

(growls)

Oh, my God.

Now she's with the other boyfriend.

It's like living with Cher.

Ma.

Sophia, you're here.

You have your suitcase.

Does that mean you're moving back?

I don't get it.

I'm gone a few days and the dumb one's in there acting like a slut, while the slut's in here being stupid.

Of course I'm back.

Ma, it's so good to have you home.

And I was wrong.

I have no right to tell you how to run your life or who your friends should be.

I mean, you're obviously doing something right.

You've made it to 83.

I guess it's just me trying to hold on to you.

No.

You were right, Dorothy.

I was with the wrong crowd.

By the way, if anyone asks, I was here last night.