05x09 - Comedy of Errors

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Thank you.

Oh!

A person cannot open a letter anymore without being accosted by some vile, disgusting thing!

I thought it was against the law to send filth through the mail.

Oh, no.

What is it, Blanche?

A letter from the IRS.

I am being audited!

It's aggravating, yes, but you don't have anything to be worried about.

Do you?

Well, of course not.

But you know how nitpicky they can be if you forget to dot an i or you don't declare the tiniest little thing they can blow it all out of proportion.

What didn't you declare, Blanche?

You.

Me?

And Rose and Sophia.

I think over the past five years I might have forgotten to mention that y'all were living here with me and paying rent.

We just slipped your mind?

Of course not, darling.

But you know I think of you girls as family.

Now, how would it look if they thought I was charging my own family rent?

Honest.

Don't you ever get nosebleed from taking the highroad all the time?

Oh, this is such an upsetting day.

For both of us.

Why?

What's wrong with you?

I ran into an old friend from high school.

Helen Colquist - she just moved to Miami.

We spent some time together and decided we'd get together today.

I even got out the old yearbook so we could go down memory lane.

Last night she had a heart att*ck and d*ed.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've been sitting here looking through the book, and I can't believe how many of my classmates are gone.

Look.

Frank Bonatardi, tight end on the football team - heart att*ck, dead.

Don't think of it as Frank being dead.

Just think of it as God telling Frank to go deep.

David Brittingham.

What happened to him?

God told David to drive into a wall at 80 miles an hour.

What are you doing?

Dorothy's going through her yearbook, to see who's dead.

That's my pussycat: fun, fun, fun!

Ma, do you remember Helen Colquist?

Was she that fat woman with a wooden leg and a hairless cat named Cincinnati Jake?

No.

Then I don't remember her.

Oh, Ma, look at this.

A list I made of things I wanted to do with my life.

You know, I had a list like that - and I've done most of 'em.

Except for Burt Lancaster.

I haven't done half the things on this list.

I mean, what am I?

I am a substitute teacher.

I'll never be rich before I'm 21, I'll never be homecoming queen.

You can still be homecoming queen.

It'll just be a different kind of home.

What else is on your list, Dorothy?

Uh...

I wanted to entertain people.

Oh!

You, an entertainer?

Well, yes.

I was in the drama club.

I was also voted the most humorous girl in my class.

She went to a special school for the dull.

I did not.

OK, it's time for dinner.

Dorothy, tell me something else that's on your list.

An entertainer!

(laughing)

Entertaining people, getting my masters, and I wanted to sleep with Michael Delvecchio.

Wait a minute.

Michael Delvecchio?

Is he tall with black hair, has a mole on his cheek, sells insurance in New York City?

Yes!

You didn't miss much.

The point is, I didn't do any of the things on my list.

I mean, all my dreams went unfulfilled.

The other day I was talking to Helen Colquist.

She said she'd always wanted to go to the Holy Land.

She'd just bought the ticket.

Now she's dead.

Hi.

What a day!

You too?

You know Roger Barton, the man who works in the cubicle next to me?

He doesn't like me.

Everybody's always liked me.

Honey, maybe your chemistry's just off.

Everybody doesn't have to like you.

Oh, yes, they do.

Dorothy, you're the smart one.

Blanche, you're the sexy one.

And Sophia, you're the old one.

I'm the nice one.

Everybody always likes me.

The old one isn't so crazy about you.

Roger likes everybody else in the office.

I don't know why he doesn't like me.

I go out of my way to be friendly.

You know that happy thought of the day that I write down and give to everyone?

He doesn't even like that.

I have a plan.

What is your plan?

His dog d*ed.

That your plan?

No.

I'm gonna replace his dog.

Rose, you don't even like bringing me my slippers.

No, I'm gonna get him a new pet to replace his.

His dog lifted his leg on an electric fence.

Poor Sparky.

To show him how sorry I am, I'm gonna go to the pound and get him another pet.

Rose, I really think you're trying too hard.

I don't.

I don't.

No, Rose, I admire you.

When you want something to happen, you go for it.

Me, I dream.

Are you back on that show biz kick again?

Yeah, Ma.

I was always pretty good at it, even way back in high school.

Do you remember those variety shows that my class used to put on?

I was really very good.

I'd get up there and tell a few jokes about the teachers, about the cafeteria food.

Ma, do you remember, "You call this tapioca?"

(cackles)

Timeless.

The kids really liked me.

I mean, they laughed.

I felt great.

If there's something you're aching to do, then you simply have to do it.

Remember when we went to amateur night at the Comedy Barrel?

You've got to be as good as some of those people.

I couldn't.

I'd be up there sweating b*ll*ts.

And dodging some.

No, you should try it, Dorothy.

We'd be right there, front and center, cheering you on.

This is crazy.

What if I die out there?

Oh, who cares if you stink.

Who cares if nobody laughs.

Who cares if you make a fool of yourself.

I care.

Then you got problems.

(doorbell)

Coming.

Roger!

Roger, I can't tell you how sorry I am about what happened to Sparky.

And how are you?

I've been better, Rose.

I've come to talk to you about this cat you sent me.

When I saw him at the pound, I knew he'd be just the cat for you.

I named him Buster.

Isn't he precious?

He mauled me, Rose.

Buster did that?

But he seemed so sweet.

Well, he may be, Rose, but he just doesn't like me.

Sometimes in life that happens.

For instance, I don't like you.

But everybody likes me.

Can't say that anymore, Rose.

Do you really hate me?

Oh, yeah.

Now, here's Buster back.

You told me you were an animal lover.

I thought maybe I could replace your loss.

Well, I didn't need a replacement.

You see, I had my parakeet.

Or I used to have him until you sent that cat from hell into our lives.

You don't mean...?

I don't think you're gonna have to feed Buster for a while.

Goodbye, Rose.

And when you see me at work, don't say good morning, don't leave me those cheery notes, and please don't put on those little puppet shows over the partition.

In fact, don't ever think of me again.

Oh!

Whose cat is this?

I got it at the pound for somebody, and now they don't want him.

I was talking to Sarah Antonelli the other day.

She's got a cellar full of mice and she needs a cat.

You think this guy's got the k*ller instinct?

Oh, I think so.

Please take him, Sophia.

His name is Buster.

He sure is cute.

I love the way he's got that jaunty yellow feather behind his ear.

Kitty, kitty, kitty!

What's in the shoebox?

Every last receipt and scrap of paper I have collected over the last five years.

Or a pair of shoes.

What am I going to do?

I'm meeting with my accountant tomorrow.

He said to bring everything.

You better include a cake with a file in it.

Where are your receipts?

I always thought you only needed a receipt if the dress you bought didn't fit.

I'm just no good at this.

That's beginning to shine through.

It was so much easier when I was married.

I'd buy something expensive, George would yell at me, I'd put on a see-through nightie, and that would be the end of it.

Why can't the government work that way?

According to the newspapers, a lot of times it does.

Uh, this money that you forgot to give to the IRS - what did you do with it?

I can't remember what I did with every penny.

I know I gave some of it to charity.

Charitable deductions!

Blanche, that's great.

What was it?

United Fund?

Greenpeace?

You remember?

In 1985 I bought the We Are The World album.

Dorothy, have you seen my teeth?

They're in your mouth, Ma.

I know that.

Don't they look good today?

I ran them through the dishwasher.

Ma, listen to me.

You got Martha Raye and Madge mixed up again.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, Ma, would you like to listen to a joke?

Is this from your act?

Could be.

I went down to the Comedy Barrel and signed up for Monday night.

Let me try this out on you.

OK, make me laugh.

All right.

Here we go.

It seems there was this doctor...

"It seems" there was?

What is this, existentialist humor?

Was there a doctor, or wasn't there?

Yes.

Yes, there was this doctor.

He's sitting in the park...

What time of year is it?

What difference does it make?

You have to set the scene.

Who is telling this joke?

At the moment, nobody.

Ma, it would be very nice if you could be supportive.

Please.

I've always been supportive.

Remember when you wanted to run away to Canada so you wouldn't get drafted?

Ma, that was my brother Phil.

Oh, yeah.

I got confused - he was wearing your dress.

OK.

How about when you were unmarried and pregnant?

I remember your exact words: "Get out of my house.

You're dead.

I have no daughter named Dorothy." Sure, in that tone of voice it sounds bad.

But I'm supporting you now.

Didn't I come here to live with you in your twilight years?

Ma, these are your twilight years.

Are you kidding?

I'm supposed to be dead.

These are your twilight years.

Ma, I never needed you more.

I'm about to do something that is very important to me.

I mean, I could fall flat on my face.

Fall the other way - it's funnier.

Thank you and good night.

Well, Ma?

Five minutes and ten seconds.

That's a little long.

What should I cut?

After hearing that act, your throat.

Hi, Blanche.

How did it go at the accountant's?

Oh, just fine.

While I was in the waiting room, I was reading a magazine that listed the ten richest men in America.

You know, Merv Griffin's moved up a couple of notches.

He probably ate the two guys ahead of him.

Anyway, I got good news from my accountant.

I'm being audited Tuesday.

Oh, lucky you.

You don't get it.

My accountant reminded me that I've been audited before and I've never had to pay a penny in back taxes.

I have a way with auditors.

The last time I was audited I got money back from the government.

Blanche, it's not a refund when the auditor leaves two twenties on your nightstand.

D'you wanna see my vanskap kokker?

As long as I don't have to show you mine.

It's a St. Olaf friendship cake.

I'm taking it to Roger.

It's made with milk, sugar, honey, a whole lot of love, and just a drop of sunshine.

Why don't you leave the poor man alone?

I know if he got to know me, he'd like me.

Why?

I got to know you - I don't like you.

You just say that.

Repeatedly.

Rose, you've become obsessed.

You have this irrational need to get Roger to like you.

Why are you doing this?

I guess it all started when I was a little kid at the orphanage.

You see, only the happy, nice kids got adopted.

That's when I started trying to be happy and nice all the time.

'Cause the truth is, if you treat somebody really nicely, they'll take you home.

I've always found that to be true.

(sighs)

Right now, I feel like the kid at the orphanage.

OK, Rose, I'm going to tell you a story about a young girl in high school who was very insecure about the other kids liking her.

Now, she would do anything - anything - to gain their approval.

She would do their homework for them, while her grades suffered.

She would give them her lunch money, in the misguided belief that she could buy their acceptance.

Finally, lonely and desperate for affection she gave her virginity to the first boy who showed her the slightest attention.

Oh, boy.

You know, Blanche, until you told this story, I never realized how much we had in common.

We don't have anything in common.

That was a story Sophia told me about you.

Rose, the point is, there's always going to be somebody who doesn't like you.

Yes, and when you find that one person, you have to try even harder to get them to like you.

Did I ever tell you the story about Herder Schornborscht?

Many, many, many times.

Yes, yes, yes!

You have.

Well, then you remember, he was St. Olaf's most famous shepherd.

Well, Herder used to say, you can have a hundred sheep, and if one goes astray, that's the one you go look for.

Especially if it's the best-looking one.

Rose has got to find some new role models.

Rose!

I was just thinking about you.

Really?

Yeah, my hand was throbbing.

I brought you a vanskap kokker.

It's a traditional St. Olaf friendship cake.

Rose, I don't want any gifts from you.

I really don't wanna have anything to do with you.

Let me ask you something.

What is your idea of a friend?

A friend is someone who likes you and respects you and is willing to do things for you.

So if I was your friend, you'd be willing to do things for me and respect my wishes?

Of course.

I'd have to.

I've asked you to leave me alone, and you haven't.

What kind of friend is that?

You said you weren't my friend.

What if I say I am your friend?

Well, then I'd have to do it - you'd be my friend.

Then we're friends!

You mean it?

Forever.

Don't forget to leave me alone.

That's what friends are for.

See you, pal.

Thank you, Roger.

You don't know what it means for me to hear you say that.

See you, buddy.

(booing/comedian on stage)

You're looking pale.

Are you all right?

I was thinking, how important is it to fulfill your life's dream?

What's the big deal?

You've come this far.

You might as well go through with it.

But what if nobody laughs?

Then you'll know how Lisa Bonet feels.

OK, OK, who's got number 14?

Oh, God, I do.

OK, sweetie.

You're on next.

(raucous laughter)

So, the guy says, "My St. Bernard?

I thought it was your St. Bernard." (laughter)

I gotta go wash my mouth out with soap.

Good night, everybody.

(cheering)

There he goes, the bad boy of comedy, Dirty Dicky Hertz.

Not exactly the kind of guy you want to meet your mother.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I want to bring out a lady who actually claims to know which one is Siegfried and which one is Roy, Dorothy "Show Us Your" Zbornak.

You'll, uh...

have to excuse me.

I'm a little nervous.

I'm not really a comedian.

Boy, it's a little hot up here.

How hot is it?

I don't know, but it's really hot.

Hi-ho!

As I said before, my name is Dorothy Zbornak.

And... that's spelled just the way it sounds.

You're dying.

Ask us where we're from.

That's my mother, the Incredible Shrinking Woman.

She's sitting there with the two other women that I live with.

You know, at our ages, the four of us living together in the same house, we go through so many hormone changes that some nights we can actually read by the hot flashes.

You know, it's really interesting when one of us dates an eligible man - or as we call them, a live one.

Although it's not a prerequisite because I have been known to date a guy on life support.

(laughter)

But the trouble with dating a guy on life support is that you always have to go to his place.

Every guy has an angle.

(laughter)

And that's the trouble with the guys here in Miami.

They simply cannot say those three little words: "Quick, call 911." So, that's who I am - a substitute teacher with hot flashes who still lives with her mother who heckles her.

(laughter)

And I wanna thank you for finding my life more amusing than I do.

Good night.

Thank you.

You're beautiful.

(cheering)

Pussycat, I've been working on some jokes for your act.

Why did Rose throw the alarm clock out of the window?

I don't know.

Why?

Because she's a moron.

I got a million of 'em.

That's OK, Ma.

I don't think I'm gonna be doing my stand-up routine any more.

How come?

You were great.

This morning I realized that what I've been doing is no different from my dream.

Every time I stand in front of a classroom I face the same challenges, only I come away with something that I didn't feel last night - that maybe, possibly, I've managed to teach them a little something.

Now, doing stand-up was like having sex with Stan.

I was nervous before it, felt pretty good during it, and I'm absolutely thrilled that I will never have to do it again.

How do I look?

Is today your audit?

Yes.

He should be here any minute.

Blanche, how are you going to explain that outfit?

"The zipper's in the back."

(doorbell)

Wish me luck.

Blanche Devereaux?

Yes.

Gloria Schmidt, IRS.

Come on in the kitchen.

I'll write you a check.