07x25 & 07x26 - One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest

Complete collection of episode scripts for "The Golden Girls" seasons 1-7. Aired: September 1985 to May 1992.
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Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia live together in Miami and experience the ups and downs of their golden years.
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07x25 & 07x26 - One Flew Out of the Cuckoo's Nest

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪

You know, Rose, I'm really enjoying this.

You and I having a quiet cup of coffee together.

Me, too, Sophia.

Because you know...

I said quiet!

Girls, you will never believe what happened to me at the supermarket yesterday.

Um, you were in a real hurry and you needed to go through the express lane, but you had 25 items, so you went through three times.

Once with ten items, once with nine items, and once with six items.

No, Rose.

What kind of a moron would do that?

Anyway, I ran into this man at the produce counter, and he asked me to play tennis with him tonight.

But I forgot that Big Daddy's baby brother, my dearest and nearest relative, is flying in at 7:00.

This is such a dilemma!

Whatever am I gonna do?

Blanche, it doesn't sound like a dilemma at all.

You know, Rose, you're right.

Family you can see any time.

But a one-night stand only happens one night.

Now I have to get me somebody to dump Uncle Lucas on.

If I could only find me an...

Rose, sweetheart, what are you doing tonight?

Blanche, I can't believe you.

Where do you get your nerve?

Ironically, from my Uncle Lucas.



You come to me?

A matriarch, the head of a family?

To me, Blanche, family is everything.

There is nothing higher than family.

Family I will always, without exception, stand up for.

But, honey, I'm desperate.

Con Dorothy into it.

Conning Dorothy is a thought, but I don't know if I have it in me to do all the persuading, all the convincing, and...

Oh, my God, is that Dorothy?

Or Miss Lana Turner emerging from her morning toilette?

It's Lana with a message from Dorothy.

Whatever the favor is, forget it.

Dorothy Zbornak, have I got a man for you.

No, thanks.

Had one.

It's my Uncle Lucas.

He's perfect.

All man, all heart, all yours.

Look, Blanche, forget it.

It's not gonna work out.

I mean, he's a little bit country, and I'm a little bit too smart for this.

You've got Uncle Lucas all wrong.

He's a man of cultivation and high taste.

Oh, yes.

I'm sure he wipes the jug on his sleeve before he passes it.

Oh, Dorothy, now please.

I've told him all about you.

He's dying to meet you.

Oh, right.

He's dying to meet a woman he doesn't even know.

If you ask me, Blanche, your Uncle Lucas is nothing but lonely.

Desperate, pathetic, and lonely.


Hey, Dorothy, you two might just hit it off.

Uncle Lucas is nothing of the sort.

Dorothy, he is so excited about this date because I gave him a full description of you.

Well, I can understand that.

I mean, women like me don't grow on trees.

Too bad.

We could use the shade.

Oh, Dorothy, it's only one night.



Ma, do you mind if we move SCRABBLE to Sunday?

I'll live.

There's no need to be sarcastic.

No, I mean it.

I'm finally going to go out and live.


You're a English teacher?


Yes, yes, I am.


You, uh, own seven hardware stores.

Yeah, yep, I do.


Would you like some more beer?

Oh, no, thanks.

I'm fine.

What am I saying?

I am not fine.

Look, Lucas, this isn't your fault.

I do not go out on blind dates.

I mean, this is as silly as I have felt in a long, long time.

Until now.

Wait till he brings the pants.

You're joking.

Somebody's got to.

Look, Lucas, can I be 100% frank?

We're both adults.

Now, look, I...

I only came as a favor to Blanche.

When she told me how badly you were dying to meet me...

Wait a minute.

Blanche told you I was dying to meet you?

The only reason I showed up here is 'cause she told me you were a lonely, single gal who was dying to meet me.

She didn't.

Yes, she did.

So, what do you think this means?

Well, I think it means that she is shacked up in some cheap motel...

I mean...

She has a date.

Oh, Lucas, what a relief!

What a relief.

So, you didn't even want to go out with me?

Not a chance!

And you never wanted to go out with me?

Come on, get serious.

You realize, of course, that we can't let Blanche get away with this.

She must be punished.

Oh, no argument here.

What do you have in mind?

Well, she jerked us around.

Let's jerk her right back.

Let's see.

Why don't we make her think that you and I are gonna get married.


You and I?

I have to admit, there's a certain genius to it.

Are you kidding?

A Brooklyn Italian living in Hollingsworth Manor?

But wait a minute.

How did you know that I was a Brooklyn Italian?

Oh, that's how Blanche refers to you in her letters.

Yes, she must be punished.

Dorothy, I believe this is the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship.

To revenge!

Oh, look at this one.

Scrunched-up little frown.

Kind of reminds me of my mother.

♪ Good morning ♪ Good morning, Dorothy.

How was your date?

Did you have a good time?

Oh, Blanche, I can't thank you enough.

I had a fantastic time.

Well, now, didn't I tell you?

Go on now.

Don't leave anything out.

Well, he was so thoughtful and considerate, affectionate...

With whom?

With me.

No, I had the time of my life last night.

And even if he never calls again, at least we'll always have Don's Crab House.


Ingrid Bergman had Paris, my pussycat has crabs.

Oh, girls, would you look at what Uncle Lucas has brought his favorite niece?

Dorothy, I didn't mean to intrude without calling, but I didn't sleep last night for thinking about you.

Oh, no intrusion.

I was afraid that I'd never see you again.

Never see me again?

I'd buy a julep for the ghost of General Grant before I'd let that happen.

Oh, I was hoping you'd say that.


Dorothy, I know this sounds impetuous.

I know we just met, but I'm at that stage in my life where I can't afford to waste time.

Dorothy, I love you and I want to know.

Will ya...

Will ya...

I think he's gonna ask her out again.




Dorothy, will you marry me?

Oh, Lucas!

Oh, yes.


DOROTHY: Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes!

No, no, no, no, no!


What in hell is wrong with you two?

But you just...

You just...

I don't know what to say!

Well, whatever you decide, make sure you start with "Aunt Dorothy." Wait!

Wait a minute, wait!

What in hell's the matter with you two?

You just met!

You don't even know each other!

This is how the Eskimos do it, Dorothy.

Listen, whatever it is you might think you're feeling, it's just your hormones playing tricks on you.

The ears now!


My God!

What have I done?

Oh, I think it's romantic.

It's like something out of a '40s movie.

Strong, handsome, daring, and now she's got a man.

Look, Lucas, you cannot do this!

What do you two have in common?

I'll show you what we have in common.


Oh, Sophia, for God's sake, speak up!

Don't let her run off with the first man, and I do mean the first, that comes along.

All right, all right.

Now, listen, Johnny Reb.

You marched through my front door a total stranger and asked for my daughter's hand in marriage without telling me two words about yourself.

What do you wanna know?

Do you have any money?

Quite a bit, ma'am.

Your mother, is she still alive?


She is now.


Oh, honey.

Oh, Blanche.


Well, it's been a long day.

Especially for you, Blanche.

I'm really enjoying this, sitting here, just the three of us, having quiet cup of coffee together.

Me, too.

Because we don't...

I said coffee!

So, how does it feel?


I feel shame.

I can't believe the two of you carrying on when another woman is about to steal my destiny.

I always thought it would be me closing out my last years in Hollingsworth Manor.

Look, if anybody has a right to complain, it's me.

When Dorothy gets married, think about this, she'll be a Hollingsworth.

Lucas and Blanche are already Hollingsworth.

Sophia will be a Hollingsworth-in-law.

Everybody will be related but me.

Now, that's what I call family planning.

It's not funny.

Did anybody ever stop to think how all this makes me feel?

Well, all right, Rose, how does it make you feel?

To be honest, a little bit like Mr. Snuffles.

Blanche, would you mind?

You're closer to the knife drawer.

One summer, when I was a little girl, Henrietta, our pig, gave birth to a litter of six.

And the next day, my father won the annual St. Olaf watermelon-seed spitting contest and he brought home a prize piglet.

Mr. Snuffles.


You're listening?

Anyway, I loved Mr. Snuffles.

I watched him grow.

I suffered with him.

The way Henrietta's brood made him feel like such an outsider.

It was an awful thing to see.

Hey, hearing it is no walk in the park.

Mr. Snuffles never did get over his feeling of alienation.

He grew fat and despondent.

The last report we had on him, he stowed away in a truck to Chicago and tearfully surrendered himself to the Oscar Mayer people.

I don't want that to happen to me, Sophia.

We can't promise you that, Rose.

I've got to do something.

I can't just sit idly back and let this wedding take place.

Oh, how in the name of Mother Dixie can a woman named Zbornak appreciate the majesty of Hollingsworth Manor?

Sitting on the veranda with her mother.

And what makes you think the newlyweds are gonna welcome you on the premises?

What are you saying?

Uncle Lucas may not be as fond of nasty, hateful, life-scarring barbs as the rest of us are.

And your point is?

Dorothy and Lucas may not want you around.

Say, there's a fly in the Metamucil.

Well, Dorothy, it was very sweet of you to join me tonight.

Am I safe in assuming that your first hardware convention is also your last?

Does a roofing nail have a flat head?

Oh, you were actually paying attention.

Look, Lucas, no offense, but hardware doesn't sound terribly romantic.

So when you come by tomorrow, why don't you tell Blanche that you took me to hear the Emerson String Quartet?

I love it.

Do you think they might buy that afterwards we frolicked in the ocean?

Oh, gosh, I haven't frolicked since...

Uh, well, since...

Since the day I dropped my mother off at Shady Pines.

Coincidentally, that was the last time I did a cartwheel.

It was a good day.

Of course, we could tell them that we went up to lovers' lane and that we necked.

Oh, well, then I'd...

I'd have to smear my lipstick, you know, for effect.

Here, let me.

I've been thinking about your suggestion, Dorothy.

You're absolutely right.

The columns must come down.

The new Hollingsworth Manor should be red brick.

Cape Cod.


Blanche, I didn't know you were home.

Haven't seen too much of you this trip, sugar plum.

That's because you've been too busy Yankee Doodlin'.

Blanche, I'm sure you don't mean that.

You'll feel differently when you come to the hoe-down we're throwing on the anniversary of Lee's surrender.


Well, if it ain't the kinfolk!

Ma, where did you get that outfit?

I bought it.

Figured five Halloweens, it'll pay for itself.

Hope you brought your appetite, young fella.

I know you're gonna be pleased with the dinner.

Corn pone, succotash, collard greens.

And them's just the appetizers!

Sorry to interrupt, everybody, but I have an announcement to make.

A mess o' something.

I'll skeer us up a mess o' something.

Anyway, I've be doing a lot of soul searching, and as long as the family isn't gonna be together anymore, it's just not gonna be the same.

So I've decided I'm gonna move in with my daughter, Kirsten.

I think that's best.


You are going to leave?

Rose, you can't do that!


Well, you see?

Do ya?

Because of your $1.98 romance, you are destroying the family!

You are destroying the family, and I'm gonna be all alone!

I'll make her a cup of tea and calm her down.

I better go talk to her.

Dorothy, wait.

No, this has gone too far.

I realize that, but you just can't flat out tell her.

If she realizes this is a joke, you know Blanche.

It'd do more harm than good.

Well, then what do I say?

I think I know something that could work.

We could break up right in front of her.

You mean, just like that?


Sometime between the succotash and the mess o' something.

We just blow up, and then I storm out of here, and that's that.

And I stay behind and call off the wedding.

It'd be perfect.

Uh, Dorothy, it's not going to be easy to fake a fight with you.


Now, I want you to promise that you're not gonna laugh, but these past three days have been the lightest and the brightest that I've known since Edna passed.

And I just want to thank you.

Well, I'm...

I'm glad.

But, to tell you the truth, I didn't even notice.


I mean, I've been...

I've been so busy smiling myself.


I'm glad, too.


Strange, isn't it?

It just seems like we've known each other for a lot more than three days.



Oh, how classy.

A tribute to Hop Sing.

Here you go, Sophia.

Rose, before you pass these out, darlin', I want to say something.

Oh, Blanche, don't say anything you're gonna regret.

Leave me alone.

I know what I'm doin'.

Would you two please sit down?

A terrible mistake has been made here, and I'm the one who made it.

See, I thought you all would go out once, and... and eat a boring dinner, and tell each other a couple of boring stories, and then get back to your boring lives.

No harm done.

But somehow, some way, you seem to have taken a liking to each other.

You believe you were meant to be together.

Well, let me tell you what I see.

I see...

I see a miracle.

I see two people who've been afraid to reach out, afraid to take that first step toward real feeling.

Two people gazing into each other's eyes and... and sharing each other's concerns, caring about each other's happiness.

I see two people in love.

I was tryin' to drive a wedge between you because I didn't want to be left alone, but I'm ashamed of that now.

So I'm not going to oppose this union.

I'm gonna celebrate it.

I'm gonna lift a glass to it.

I'm gonna ask God to bless it.

Lucas, Dorothy, from the bottom of my heart, congratulations.

I love you both.

Uh, Blanche, there is something I must say.


Dorothy, will you marry me for real?

For real?

For real.

Oh, yes, Lucas.

Oh, yes, oh, yes.

Is it my stroke or did they do this already?


Nobody's home yet.

I can't believe it.

This is the first time since we got engaged that we've had a moment alone in this house.

Well, let's not waste it.

I just love watching you two kids kiss.

It's so beautiful to see.

He loves you, pussycat.

He loves you.

Listen, Luke, I want you to know I don't feel like I'm losing a daughter.

I feel like I'm gaining a sucker...



Where did that come from?

Oh, the mind, huh?

I can't wait to be your son.

Oh, you are delightful.

Such a gem.


Get yourself a girl tonight.

We'll understand.

Ma, please.

We're trying to have a private moment.

Private, please.

What's private?

I diapered you.

Yeah, but you didn't diaper Lucas.

I'd like to.

Ah, listen to me, I'm as giddy as a 60-year-old.

Honey, I'm glad you're okay with Ma's coming to live with us in Atlanta.

I really think she'd be a little lost without me.

It's my pleasure, Dorothy.

I can see how close the two of you are.

And how close you are to Rose and Blanche.

We've all learned a lot from each other.

I mean, Ma taught me life does not end because you've reached a certain age.

And I've become much more comfortable with my sexuality because of Blanche.

And Rose has taught me...

Rose has taught me...

It's not important.

No, wait, no, I can do this.

Rose has taught me...

Let it go.

I need some time with this.

Anyway, because of them I feel that I'm ready to love you.

A square knot!

Rose taught me how to tie a square knot.

Well, I am glad somebody taught you how to do this.


I just love to watch you two kiss.

The last picture was a little blurry.

It was hard to tell who was who.

No offense, pussycat.

Pussycat, huh?

Nobody's called me that since the Navy.

You know, I think he's just nuts enough to actually turn up at the wedding tomorrow.

You're a furry little gnome, and we feed you too much.

Oh, Dorothy, good, you're here.


Um, well, this is going to be our final night together here, and, well, we thought it might be our last chance to say...

No, don't say it.

Don't say goodbye.

This is not goodbye.

I don't want to turn this into a sad thing.

Me, neither.

I promised myself I wasn't going to cry.

I'm going to laugh instead.


Well, now to be honest, it is a little difficult for me.

I mean, everything happened so fast.

My God, you and Lucas probably haven't even slept together yet.

Blanche, don't be ridiculous.

I mean, I know he's your uncle, but you have to realize that we're both adults and capable of a caring, warm relationship.

How was the sex?

So good we named it!

I thought I might find you out here.

You okay?

I couldn't sleep.


I'm just...

I'm just so mad at Dorothy.

I mean, she won't let us say goodbye, and I'm sorry, but I need to.

Especially to you.

I know, Rose, but you know what?

Dorothy's not here right now.


And if she was, what's the worst thing she could do to us?


Can she intimidate us?

Could she physically harm us?

Can she make life miserable for us?

Blanche, she can do all those things.

I know it.

I know it.

But, oh, I'm gonna miss you, honey.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you.

I just love to watch you...


What is this?


Oh, Sophia, stop that.

Oh, Sophia, I'm glad you're here.

You know I'm moving in with Kirsten tomorrow, and in a way, I'm gonna be the Sophia of that household.


Well, how do you do it?

So, you wanna be a Sophia?


Lesson one.


I think it makes adult children stronger.

It also makes them self-conscious, which I think is funnier.

Okay, you're talking to your loved ones, complete this sentence.

"I'm tired of spending time with you miserable..." A. Gypsies. B. Bottom feeders. C. Howler monkeys.

Howler monkeys.

Howler monkeys.

The correct answer is... C.

Howler monkeys!




I can't do this.

Oh, this isn't who I am.


Sophia, you can speak your mind because you know you're needed around here.

But Kirsten has her own family.

I'll just be baggage there.

I know a place where you're needed.



Rose, oh, stay with me, honey.

Oh, Blanche, that's very nice, but you're gonna want to get on with your own life.

I mean, you'll want to find a relationship.

I want my best friend right here with me.

I need you in my life, Rose.

You need each other.

Stay, Rose.

This is your family now.


We do have a lot in common.


You're both natural brunettes.

Come on, get some rest.

Tomorrow's a big day.

Thank you.

Thank you, Sophia.

Good night.



Goodbye, my girls.

ROSE: Oh, Dorothy.

Oh, you're beautiful.

Oh, pussycat, look at you.

But to tell you the truth, I was hoping you'd use my wedding dress.

That's nice, Ma.

As what?

A hand puppet?


Oh, Dorothy, there's a limousine out front.

Oh, Lucas must've sent it.

Oh, he's so romantic.

Oh, but, Ma, wait.

I haven't finished packing.

You'll come back later and pack.

Yeah, relax, Dorothy, you're carrying on like a howler monkey.

You've been coaching her, haven't you?

DOROTHY: So sweet of Lucas to do this.

I guess he wanted to make sure I got to the church on time.

Oh, what a darling.

Actually, I think...

I think Maple is quicker.

This heads out to the expressway.


Driver, you're headed for the expressway.

Why don't you turn around?


Driver, stop.

Driver, I said stop!

Driver, who the hell do you think you are?

Stanley, what are you doing?

Have you lost your mind?

You're ruining the biggest day of my life!

You're getting married and you couldn't send an invitation to Stanley Zbornak?

The man who gave you his name?

I'm sorry.

The list was alphabetical.

The Zionists aren't speaking to me, either.

Stanley, what do you want from me?

I want to show you something.

Dorothy, you see this hair?

It is the only one on my forehead.

The other traitors receded years ago, but this proud and loyal sprout clings desperately.

It is unrelenting.

It is true.

What about it?

Dorothy, it is this hair that I hate more than all the others.

It mocks me.

You're psychotic.

Because I'm bald?

Because you're kidnapping me!

I'm not kidnapping you.

I'm taking you to church.

In style.

You are?

This is my gift to you.

I just wanted a minute alone with you to give my blessings.

To show I care.

Don't you see?

I am that hair.

And you're my big, crazy, bald skull.

I may give you some reason to resent me, but you cannot shake me.

I am loyal.

Stanley, you wore a toupee for 27 years.

Don't mess with my metaphor.

All right, Stanley, the truth.

Things have been going so well with Lucas I didn't want to deal with you.

But, as Freud said, our beds are crowded.

When I sleep with Lucas, I'm not alone.

There's this phantom of you there, and he has the haunts of his prior relationships, and, well, I...

I can't pretend you're not a part of me.

So, what are you saying, you slept with this guy?

Stanley, you're missing my point.

We named it!

What I'm saying is thank you.

Stanley, for the first time in a long while, you're really acting like a man.

I love you, Dorothy.

I've always loved you.

And I love you, Stanley.

Now drive.


DOROTHY: I can't believe it.

This is for me.

They're standing for me.

My good friends.

Oh, God, I wonder what they're thinking.

SOPHIA: My baby's getting married.

This is too much.

I'm overcome.

I'm about to cry.

I can't believe it.

I'm actually about to cry.



Misjudged that one.

BLANCHE: Oh, look at her.

I've never seen Dorothy look so happy.

Okay, that once, but she didn't know I was watchin'.

And she looks so beautiful.

Oh, my God, if a woman with all my gifts is jealous of her, I can't imagine what a woman like Rose must be thinkin'.

♪ Hi-ho, the derry-o The farmer in the dell ♪ The farmer takes a wife The farmer takes a wife ♪ SOPHIA: Such a beautiful bride, such a lovely church.

Such a long walk.

Oh, God, my hamstring.

I've blown out my hamstring.

No, no.

I'm okay.

DOROTHY: Oh, and there's Lucas.

So handsome.

So strong.

And he's right here with me.

Lucas, you can probably hear every word I'm thinking.

LUCAS: Yes, Dorothy, I can.

REVEREND: Remember, "ESP." Energy!



They like me!

Dearly beloved, we are assembled here in the sight of God and these witnesses to join this man and this woman in matrimony, to marry them husband and wife in both interest and destiny...

DOROTHY: I'm here.

I'm standing here and he's standing there.

Instituted by God...

And I actually love him.

I love the man.

And not out of desperation.

Dorothy Zbornak has finally conquered her desperation!


I do!


Oh, what the heck.

I do, too.


DOROTHY: God, I love this man.

Hey, you two.

You're not married until I say so!


REVEREND: Big smile now.

They love me.

These people love me!

Dorothy and Lucas, would you please join hands?

Lucas, do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?

Do you promise to love, support and cherish her as long as you both shall live?

I do.

And Dorothy, do you take this man to be your wedded husband?

Do you promise to love, support and cherish him as long as you both shall live?

I do.

REVEREND: May we have the ring, please?

Repeat after me.

With this ring I thee wed...

With this ring, I thee wed...

♪ The farmer in the dell ♪ The farmer in the dell ♪ Hi-ho, the derry-o The farmer in the dell ♪ And I pledge my love and loyalty in the name of the Lord.


Then, unless anyone here has cause for objection...

By the power vested in me by God and the State of Florida, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Lucas, you may kiss the bride.


SOPHIA: Oh, no.

Of all the times for me to feel a sneeze coming on.

I'll be damned.

Dorothy, I want to tell you something, and this isn't easy.

Not easy?

For you?

Please, Ma.

The day you stop speaking your mind...

I'm not going.

Is the...


I'm not going with you, pussycat.

I'm staying here with the girls.

The girls?

Rose, Blanche, whatever they are.

We discussed it after the wedding and, pussycat, they need me.


I need you.


No, you need to be married now.


Frankly, I think I was in the way the first time.

Oh, no, you weren't.

Yes, you were.

Dorothy, it's time to leave the nest, and I think I've given you the self-confidence to do that.

I do want you to know that without you and Blanche and Rose, I never would have been ready to try.

There's something I want to tell you.

It's been my great privilege to be your friend as an adult.

To spend these years with you.

No, Ma.

It was my privilege.

And something else.

And that self-confidence is the greatest gift that you could have ever given me.

Yeah, I agree.


It's a magnificent gift.

You got everything you need?

Yeah, I guess so.

Gonna be a great honeymoon.

Me, Dorothy and Freddy Peterson.

Who's Freddy Peterson?

That's what we named it.


I have packed my last suitcase.

You ready, Dorothy?

Ready, Freddy.

Dorothy, they know.



I'll be out in just a minute.





I guess this is it.



Dorothy, you don't have to say anything.

I mean, what can you say about seven years of fights and laughter.



Just that it's been very...

Well, it's been an experience that I'll always keep very close to my heart.


And that these are memories that I'll wrap myself in when the world gets cold and I forget that there are people who are warm and loving and...

We love you, too.


I'll miss you.

I'll miss you.


BLANCHE: You will always be a part of us.

Your friendship was something I never expected at this point in my life.

And I could never have asked for a better surprise.

BLANCHE: That's how we feel, too.

I have to go.

Dorothy, is this goodbye?

I love you, always.

Oh, God, I love you so much!


Oh, Dorothy!

Oh, Dorothy!

Oh, Dorothy.



Listen, Lucas is waiting.

You're angels.

All of you.

Oh, God, I'm going to miss you!



BLANCHE: Dorothy!



Oh, listen, I...

We have a flight.

I should...

You'll always be my sisters.


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