03x01 - Mom Guilt

[bunniefuu]

Katie, great job on the Spring Gala!

Thank you.

Now you're getting paid to plan parties.

[ Both chuckle ]

Mrs. Otto, your donut, and a doily to go underneath.

A donut doily.

I...

I need a moment.

When I started having children 17 years ago, I never thought the day would come when I'd... finally be able to start work.

I -- What the hell are you doing?

And why does your breath smell like you just threw up grass?

Luthor, ew!

Ow! Off my boob!

Katie: Oh, man, stress dream.

Today's my first day of work in 10 years.

Can I do this?

Okay, Luthor, fetch me my slippers and all the energy from my 20s.

[ Whines ]

♪♪

♪♪ Okay, guys, how do I look?

Like you're ready to turn the business world upside down.

Don't pressure me.

I'm not looking to turn the business world upside down.

Okay, then I'll just say that you look beautiful.

I'm a professional woman, Greg.

I don't want to be judged on my appearance.

Oliver, when you get married, you might someday encounter what's known as a "no-win situation."

Here's what you do -- walk to the refrigerator, look inside it for a while.

I just want to get through my first day without screwing up.

I, for one, just want to say thank you.

You're a mom. You're working.

You're a working mom. You've got it all.

What are you doing?

-Being encouraging. -I don't like it.

It's creeping me out.

Why am I being encouraging, you ask?

This is the kind of parenting I no longer have time for.

Because today's tip for success is, "Be encouraging."

Who's Johnny Diamond?

He's a motivational speaker who's helped hundreds of people become filthy rich.

So now he's also my new role model.

I thought I was your role model.

[ Chuckles ] Adorable, Dad. Never change.

Johnny D's holding a seminar in Westport later this month.

I just need 500 bucks to get in.

[ Laughing ] Oh, Greg, the boy just needs $500.

Go get my change purse.

No need. I have it right here in my shoe.

"You gotta learn to love the haters."

Johnny Diamond.

There's no way I'm giving you $500 to join a cult.

[ Footsteps approach ]

Oh, good morning, honey.

I don't need a Walmart greeter when I come down the stairs.

I just said "good morning."

Stop being so bitchy about losing your awful Blondetourage friends.

They were the worst!

"I chewed and spit out the best meal last night."

Wow, it's like they're in the room.

Come on! It's club day at school.

You'll join a club and meet new people.

I checked the stupid list and they all seemed stupid.

Since I'm now working, I am going to start delegating some parenting.

Oliver, if you motivate your sister to join a club, I'll give you that money to join that cult.

Deal, and, "It's not a cult until they raid your compounds and seize your assets."

-Johnny Diamond. -Eh.

Mama, are you gonna pick me up from school today?

No, sweetie, your daddy worked it out with his schedule.

He'll pick you up, but I will be home to tuck you in and read you a story.

You promise?

Not only do I promise, I pinky double-kiss promise.

Now that Mom is working, we all need to do our part.

Did everyone remember to pack your own lunches?

-Yeah. -Yes.

I packed the best lunch ever -- a jar of Spanish olives and my olive-eating gloves.

And for the crowd at recess...

Seems like I need to change the Amazon password.

Hmm.

-Can I talk to you for a second? -Sure.

I feel like Anna-Kat's OCD is getting worse.

I mean, she looks like she's starting a meth lab.

[ Glove snaps ]

Do you think it's because I'm going back to work again?

I mean, I know I'm going to ruin this kid's life, but is this the moment when it actually happens?

It's a big change, but don't worry!

I got this.

[ Alarm rings ]

Oh, crap! I gotta get to work.

Work...

I'm going to work!

Before you go...

I got you a little present.

So even when you're at work, the family's always with you.

Aww, I'm not taking that thing.

I got a job to get away from you people.

♪♪ Bathroom's down the hall. Kitchen is back there.

And this is your office.

If I put a cot in here, I could move in.

Is there a shower in the building?

No.

I could make it work.

Are you ready to meet Whitney?

Of course!

I am so excited to finally meet the boss.

Fantastic.

[ Beep ]

Whitney, you're on with Katie.

Whitney: Katie, hi.

Oh, um, hi, Whitney!

I heard such great things about your Spring Gala.

I had to hire you right away.

I wanted to be there for your first day, but I'm having some health issues.

Oh, no. I hope it's nothing serious.

Just serious enough to get the fun dr*gs.

So are you ready for your first assignment?

Can't wait.

You'll be throwing a party for the Westport socialite Nancy Granville.

Oh, no, Katie. You look disappointed.

That's right, Kevin. I see everything.

So, Katie, you know Nancy?

Yes. Nancy and I have some history.

[ Heels tapping ]

Hmph. Old Navy.

I knew it.

You wanna see my tag?

-Nope. -I'll just tell you.

It's Gucci!

But it won't be a problem. [ Chuckles ]

Good.

And, Kevin, if you want to keep this job, give me push-ups.

Not the lady ones, Kevin!

Off your knees!

♪♪ Okay, let's narrow things down.

All the academic clubs are out, obviously.

How 'bout Yearbook?

Ew, it has the word "book" in it.

Then the only club that seems to make sense to me is...

Drama club.

They're doing "Little Shop of Horrors."

Hmm, maybe.

In the third grade, I won the talent show when I sang

"She'll be running around the fountain when she hums."

You mean "Coming around the mountain when she comes"?

It's "fountain" and "hums."

I don't care. Just sign the sheet.

[ Chuckles ] "Coming around the mountain."

You've been singing that wrong your whole life!

[ Laughs ]

♪♪ Before we start, I wanted to clear the air a bit and say I'm a little surprised that you hired me.

No, Katie, don't be!

You did such an amazing job at the Spring Gala.

You were the only person that I wanted to hire.

Aww.

Plus, now that you're an employee, I feel like I finally get our relationship.

Let's get started.

What type of event are we throwing?

Well, last year, we had the most amazing Great Gatsby party at The Manor.

-Ooh. -There was a champagne tower.

There were Charleston lessons.

And Marjorie Roland relapsed, almost drowned in the pool.

It was so on theme! [ Giggles ]

Anyway, this year, I am thinking bigger and better.

Now, my husband, Marshall...

Mm-hmm.

Marshall. [ Clears throat ]

My husband, Marshall, has come up with a sexy, sophisticated idea for the party.

This year's theme is "South Pacific."

It's my favorite musical.

Okay, Katie, I know what you're thinking...

"How did Marshall get so straight?"

That is exactly what I'm thinking.

Well, he spent the whole summer at a retreat in Montana and just came back super butch.

[ Chuckles ]

I just love women.

I love everything about them -- their hair, their nails, everything.

This all seems very permanent.

Anyway, when I hear "South Pacific,"

I picture turning your yard into a tropical beach with a volcano that erupts, pouring out a signature cocktail served by shirtless waiters in grass skirts.

Old me would've loved that.

Excellent. I'll get started on the estimate.

Roughly how many people are attending?

Well, we have invited 50 adults and 25 children.

There'll be children at this party?

Yes, this "South Pacific" soiree is my 10-year-old's birthday party.

Oh. Uh, sure.

You're the client.

And the client's always right.

I'll come up with a bunch of great ideas and get back to you tomorrow.

Oh! Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup!

No, I want to start researching that signature cocktail tonight.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, okay.

How late are we talking?

Because Anna-Kat goes to bed at 8:30.

Oh, so does Becky.

So we will be back by 9:30 just to be safe.

[ Giggles ]

[ Chuckles nervously ]

♪♪ Anna-Kat, anything bothering you?

Nope. Just can't get this pony clean.

So I guess there's only one thing to do.

Goodbye, Jezebel Star.

You were a good one.

"Here lies Jezebel Star, sired by Rainbow McCloskey and Tinkerbell James.

Some have said, 'You weren't the sparkliest pony.'

You rode valiantly in the great battle of ponies versus Oliver's robot dinosaur."

This is one of your best.

My advice, guys...

Keep clean.

Just in case Mama not being around as much is making you feel a little anxious, I have a fun idea to calm you down.

How would you like to make some slime?

But Mama said slime was banned in this house.

She was all like, [ As Katie ] "Anna-Kat, I don't want you usin' up my Tupperware!"

Yeah, but she told me -- hold on -- [ Clears throat ]

[ Deep voice ] "I need you to handle things."

[ Normal voice ] Oh, that was terrible.

[ Normal voice ] You're doing it from here.

It needs to come from here.

Mm.

[ Tires screech ]

Is Anna-Kat still awake?

[ Door slams ] Dad brought her upstairs a while ago.

I am not missing her bedtime 'cause it took Nancy four hours to perfect the "Nancy Colada!"

[ Thudding ]

Is she still...

I got your texts. I tried to keep her up.

Oh, crap! It's my first day of work, and I already broke a pinky double-kiss promise.

Did she ask for me?

No, she was fine.

That's even worse, Greg!

She didn't even miss me.

Here's a little perspective for you --

Jezebel Star d*ed tonight.

♪♪ I feel guilty because I was working and missed Anna-Kat's bedtime.

And I feel even more guilty because I actually like working.

I'm not following you.

Which part?

Well, I don't understand feeling guilt.

Mm-hmm.

I don't understand getting a job.

I don't really understand any of it.

That's because you're a sociopath.

Undiagnosed.

I know how to b*at the test.

At work, I have an office, people listen to me, and for the first time in a while, I feel like I'm using my brain.

Am I bad mom because I like my job?

Of course not.

Feeling guilty is part of being a working mom.

Or do it my way and hire a Jewish nanny to feel guilty for you.

I'd be happy to loan you Chava any time.

Thanks, guys.

Or really, thanks, Angela.

Doris, you were no help at all.

Oh. Katie, I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

See? You believed that. That's how you b*at the test.

Hah! Boom!

Duped! Undiagnosed!

100 for 100!

♪♪ Taylor Otto.

Hey, before you go in, I have one last thought.

"Don't blow it." Johnny Diamond.

Don't blow it. Don't blow it.

So, what are you gonna be singing for us today, Taylor?

[ Sighs ]

We got another smiler!

♪♪

[ Gasps ] You must be Becky.

It is so nice to finally meet you!

My name is Katie, and your mom hired me to plan your party.

It's not my party.

All of this is for my mom.

Except for the waiters. They're for my dad.

This is your birthday.

How 'bout you pick out the birthday cake you want?

Chocolate, vanilla.

It doesn't matter.

Whatever I say, my mom will just change it to flan.

Hey, Nance. I had a weird thought.

What if we changed the theme from "South Pacific" to "Moana?"

Why would I do that?

'Cause it's a child's party.

I'm getting her flan! What more does she want?

[ Scoffs ]

You almost blew my sh*t at 500 bucks.

Don't worry.

I convinced the drama teacher to give you another chance.

I'm about to say something, and if you tell anyone, I will deny it.

But this is the truth.

You're actually a talented singer.

-Really? -Yes.

And the reason why I'm pushing you so hard to audition is because I think joining the school musical would be good for you.

It's not about the money anymore.

It's about seeing you happy.

You just need to get out of your own way and take a chance.

Oliver Otto.

I haven't liked you in, like, so long!

[ Chuckles ]

I heard what you said, and I'm really, really impressed.

I was just doing what my role model told me.

I told you that?

Seriously, I could just pinch your cheeks you're so cute right now.

"If you get into trouble, say, 'If you tell anyone I said this, I will deny it,' then pretend you're telling the truth."

[ Chuckles ] Johnny...Diamond.

Diamond, yeah.

[ Tires screech ]

♪♪

♪♪ Is Anna-Kat still --

Not even close.

She went to bed like an hour ago.

Where were you?

Watching Nancy's husband get piggyback-rides from potential waiters.

How is everything going with joining a club?

Don't worry. Since you're not here, Oliver's got it.

Great. Oliver's a better mom than me.

[ Boom ]

[ Boom ]

[ Boom ]

What in the hell?!

Greg!

Greg: Uh-oh.

You used up all my Tupperware.

Wow, Anna-Kat's impression of you is uncanny.

Slime is a banned substance in this house!

So is cashew cheese, soy cheese, and any other cheese that's not cheese!

[ Scoffs ]

And stop giving the dog the "she's the crazy person" look!

Can I talk to you for a second?

I'm busy doing the whiskey order for a 10-year-old's birthday.

You asked me to handle the Anna-Kat situation, and that's what I did.

By the way, the slime worked. She's way less anxious.

She even packed herself a sensible lunch.

-What was it? -A ziplock bag full of milk and three kiwis, but that's a win.

Look, the slime may not be the way that you would've handled it, but that's the way I chose to do it.

Is it possible you're taking your frustration out on me because you've been missing Anna-Kat's bedtime?

Yes, Greg! You're my husband. That's the gig.

Receiving misdirected anger and backing me up in public even though I'm super, super wrong.

You know what's really frustrating?

I'm spending all this time away from my kids to plan a birthday party that's making another kid miserable.

Oh. This slime is so soft.

It feels wet, but it's not.

Hmm, so relaxing.

Maybe I was wrong to ban slime.

Cashew cheese can still go to hell.

See? Doesn't slime make everything better?

♪♪ It will.

[ Snorts ]

♪♪ That was glitter slime, so this will make picking up poop a little more magical.

Mm.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Katie: I was hired to throw a kid's birthday party, so that's exactly what I'm doing.

[ Gurgling ]

Because my job is to make sure the client is...

[ Laughter ]

...happy.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Hey, Katie, great party!

-Katie? -Yeah?

What is this?!

It's a slime party.

I leave for three hours to be fashionably late to my daughter's birthday party, and I come back to this?!

Listen, I know I didn't execute your theme, but Becky is having the time of her life.

Isn't that what's most important?

I wanted a Nancy Colada!

I am calling your boss and I am getting you fired!

Marshall, you cut that out right now, or we're gonna do it later.

No.

For my audition today, I'll be singing a song by Daniel Powter.

♪♪

♪ You stand in the line just to hit a new low ♪

♪♪

♪ You're faking a smile with the coffee to go ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ You found a new recipe online ♪

♪ The grocery list includes limes ♪

♪ You also need oregano-o-o ♪ Are those the lyrics?

♪ 'Cause you ham and pâté ♪

♪ You cook until brown ♪

♪ You make it long while wearing a gown ♪

♪ You say you won't taste ♪

♪ You say you won't try ♪

♪ You work a while then you smiggity-schmy ♪

"Smiggity-schmy?" ♪ Ham and pâté ♪

♪ We're eating cheese fries ♪

♪ You're coming back down ♪

♪ But you really don't mind ♪

♪ 'Cause it's ham and pâté ♪

♪ Ham and pâté ♪ Stop! Stop! Thank you, Taylor.

I've seen enough.

Taylor, it's "You had a bad day."

What are you talking about? I did awesome!

Hah!

Smiggity-schmy.

I got a part in the "Little Shop of Horrors."

Well, that's great, honey. Which one?

I'm Bud Number Three on the man-eating plant.

The drama teacher liked Taylor's performance, but since she confidently murders all lyrics, she gave her a part with the least responsibility.

That's right!

Oh, and I'm meeting the cast after dinner.

It's really funny.

They have no idea they're losers.

Just because they're in the Drama Club doesn't mean they're losers.

That's what they keep saying!

Well, will you look at that.

Yes! Taylor made some new friends.

So "Pay up, sucker." Johnny Diamond.

"I was never gonna pay you $500, dum-dum." Katie Otto.

But a deal's a deal.

Johnny's seminars have tiered pricing.

$500 is the Diamond Tier.

That gets you a seat in the front row.

But $50 gets you in the Turquoise Tier.

Turquoise? Seriously?

Do I look like I'm selling trinkets on a blanket in Santa Fe?

You get to watch a live feed of the seminar from the lobby.

Take it or leave it.

[ Sighs ]

Fine.

But when the time comes, just know I'm only paying for a Turquoise Tier retirement home.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

This is it.

This is my boss.

I'm getting fired.

Hey, Whitney.

Whitney: I just had a very long talk with Nancy Granville.

Thought you might.

She hated the party you threw, but some of the other parents were so impressed with your slime theme that they hired us.

We got four more parties.

Does this mean I'm not fired?

You're not fired.

And, in fact, you'll probably end up working even more.

What's the matter, Katie? You look conflicted.

I'm just kidding.

Lovely top, by the way.

Kidding!

Am I?

So? How'd it go?

Still have my job.

That's great, honey.

Is it?

I don't know.

What? I thought you liked working.

I do. I love it.

But I just feel guilty for spending time away from you guys.

And I don't like missing your bedtime.

I feel like me taking this job has really disrupted your routine and it stresses you out.

Mama, keep the job.

Daddy's doing great.

Let's face it.

It's always gonna be something with me.

She's gonna live with you forever.

Yeah, me too, probably.

[ Laughs nervously ]

"Once upon a time... there were three sisters named Kim, Kourtney, and Khloé."

That's what you guys read together?

Of course. Why?

What do you read to her when I'm working late?

Books!

Pass!

I'll stick to the classics.

What happened to the sisters, Mama?

Well, each sister met the man of their dreams and slowly destroyed them bit by bit.

Dad, can you check under my bed for Kardashians?

Mama's got you, baby.