03x03 - Pigeons

[bunniefuu]

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

This Labcoat piece is fascinating.

They already have two million followers.

What are they, Bella Hadid?

Is that like a Broken Social Scene kind of thing?

Yes. Bella Hadid is a 12-person Canadian alternative rock band.

That's what Bella Hadid is.

(GROANS) Jesus, my back.

Whoa. You have a g*n?

Have you ever even held a g*n before?

No. No, I haven't.

Well, let me tell you something, Mike.

This thing right here, it's so much more than just a toy you could k*ll someone with.

It's at least 90 percent of my personality.

Wow, okay, so let me try...

Bup-bup-bup-bup.

At least let me give you the rundown first, all right buddy?

This right here, that's the handle.

This is the barrel, that's where the b*llet comes out of.

And you gotta be careful on this model because the trigger right there is extra sensitive, just like its daddy.

'Cause I prematurely ej*cul*te. ej*cul*te, right.

Yeah, you got it. I think you're ready. Wow.

Have at it.

MIKE: Oh, f*ck! Yeah.

I'm the devil! Okay.

I'm ready to smite on a Saturday night, baby!

I'm the devil!

I think maybe this has been enough for your first go-around.

Let me just... Shut the f*ck up, p*ssy!

You'll tear this out of my cold, dead hands.

Lock her up!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(g*nsh*t)

(b*llet CASING RATTLES ON FLOOR)

Are you f*cking serious, dude?

Okay. (BANANA CLICKS)

I didn't mean to. It just went off. Aah, duh-duh-duh.

What happened? Let me ask you something.

Are you content with your life? Yeah, for the most part.

See, that's the issue. I'm a broken psychopath, so I need a g*n.

And plus my wiener situation is, how shall I put this, less than ideal.

You've seen me wet, you've seen me cold.

You know the whole situation.

♪ ♪ NARRATOR: Hello. It is I, your loving and trusting narrator for this episode of Animals, on HBO.

(NARRATOR COUGHS, CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry. Let's begin.

Welcome to Pigeon Heights.

What a thriving metropolis. A million stories to tell.

So, who should we pick?

Well, Wallet, of course.

♪ ♪

♪ Wallet, Wallet, Wallet ♪

♪ Pigeon in the sky ♪

♪ Tiny little birdie, how easy that you fly ♪

♪ Wallet, Wallet uses magic to stop crime ♪

♪ Oh, he's a little birdie best friends with TeaTime ♪

NARRATOR: Everyone, meet Wallet.

Wallet, meet everyone.

What's the matter, Wallet?

Your boss and the king of pigeons, Phil, was visiting Jacob's bar mitzvah, but it got taken over by a notorious Icelandic group... Icees?

That's right, King Phil, it's us, the notable Icelandic t*rror1st group, Icees.

We're all gonna die! I'm gonna die at my son's bar mitzvah.

NARRATOR: Wallet! I told you no crumbs.

Wallet! I told you no crumbs.

What are you gonna do to get me out of this, you useless Hot Pocket with feathers?

What are you gonna do? Wallet? Wallet!

(ECHOING) Wallet!

NARRATOR: Oh, no. Wallet is in a state of deep turmoil.

He is wondering, "Who is Wallet?"

"What led him to this moment?"

"How late is Dairy Queen open?"

It seems Wallet is having some sort of flashback.

Let's go!

Wow. Oh, yes, Wallet is from Brasilia.

The little Brazil section of New York City, to be exact.

Some people said Wallet was born in a cotton candy machine which makes him so sweet.

Others say he helped build the pyramids.

But truth be told, Wallet's early life is a mystery, like Jesus.

Personally, I think Wallet is just a little cutie patootie and that's all that matters.

Like Jesus!

Wallet spent most of his time organizing books at the little kid pigeon orphanage.

Hey, come on, buddy! (LAUGHTER) Oh, look it.

Slow it down!

(CHEERING) Oh, boy.

All right, just grab some paper towels or something.

NUN: Orphans! Circle up.

Oh, Wallet, my boy. You work so hard.

But alas, we have no money.

We can only pay you in crumbs.

ORPHAN: Sorry, Wallet. Orphan 2: Really sorry, Wallet.

ORPHAN 3: We hope you like your crumbs.

(NUN SOBS, GASPS)

He refused the crumbs!

We can all eat tonight! We get to eat!

NUN: We're gonna live to see another day!

(CHANTING) Wallet! Wallet! Wallet!

Wallet is a virtuous pigeon!

NARRATOR: Wallet was indeed a virtuous pigeon.

But Little Brazil was changing.

The Yakuza were taking over.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Holy smokes! It's the Yakuza!

NARRATOR: Wallet? Wallet, what are you doing?

Now is not the time to ask the old lady for Werther's candies.

- Oh! -(ENGINES REV)

Good thinking, Wallet!

♪ ♪ From the day Wallet met TeaTime, the little pink pigeon right there, they were inseparable.

The hidden bird bath was their special place.

Wallet and TeaTime's encounter was the only good thing to come out of Yakuza's takeover of Little Brazil.

But pretty soon, things got so bad it was crazy.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Oh! Oh, no!

The Yakuza took over the orphanage, converting all the chicklets into... bad boys.

Hey, Wallet. Do your jig or else.

(HAWKS, SPITS) 'Cause...

ALL: We're Yakuza bad boys, now!

Come on, do the jig, man! Yeah!

Huh. What's going on over there?

I think I will walk over and find out.

(SNICKERS) Whoa!

Oh, my God! Mackerel's coming!

Mackerel! Oh, wow.

Hey, Mackerel! I'm the chosen reckoner as was foretold, right?

I am the chosen reckoner as was foretold!

I am, Mackerel! Enough!

(GASPING) (MUFFLED VOICES)

You must be Wallet.

We heard you organized the books in the orphanage library.

Well, now this is the Yakuza library, so you have to organize all our books.

No more baby books. Got it?

Got it? Or else you're in big trouble.

Yes, that's right.

Little Brazil is finally under my control.

I am the poison and the antidote.

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha!

(MUFFLED LAUGHTER)

Mackerel exits frame.

NARRATOR: Oh, no.

Wallet must organize all the bad boy books.

And in order to properly categorize them by genre, he must read them all!

Cover to cover.

The bad boy books! My poor Wallet!

They are pouring vinegar all over his cotton candy brain.

I can barely look!

(ENGINE REVS)

Holy smokes!

It's the Yakuza, again!

Hey Wallet, hide my purse again!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(SNICKERING)

Do a flip and land!

All right, lady. Give us what you got.

We're Yakuza bad boys, you know the deal.

Money in the bank!

We don't have anything, so you can just leave us be.

Wallet, what are you all shaking for?

You wouldn't be hiding anything, would you?

(WHOOSHING)

Wait a minute, he's holding that old lady's f*cking purse.

Barf it up or else! (GULPS)

I got it, guys.

Hey! I got that on Canal Street!

Nice job, Orphan Two. Yeah, way to go.

(SNORING) No, he's asleep.

Mackerel's gonna hear about this, Wallet!

You let them take my stuff, you jerk!

♪ ♪

NARRATOR: Oh, my God. Wallet lives in a gumball machine.

Of course he does. I mean he's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

How freaking cute is that?

Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Wallet?

Wallet, earlier tonight, you tried to trick the Yakuza orphan boys, so now, you pay.

Wallet! Help!

NARRATOR: Oh, my God. I forgot about this part.

I can barely watch!

Magic, magic, a little dark arts and the bird is now a fish.

Okay, Wallet. I'm gonna zipline out the window now.

I love this town!

NARRATOR: Wallet, get TeaTime in water, fast!

Oh, no.

Wallet's water got cut off 'cause he never pays his bills because the nuns would only pay him in crumbs instead of cash.

Oh, my God. Wallet sucks.

But Wallet remembered his and TeaTime's special place.

She has the same eyes.

Wallet never left TeaTime's side for a long time.

I mean, how could he?

She was his best friend in the whole wide world and now she was a fish.

But then, and I don't know if you're gonna believe this, more things happened.

Wallet, please forgive us.

As you can tell, we're again orphans.

As it turns out, none of us are the chosen reckoners as was foretold.

What happened was the rebels came and defeated the Yakuza.

ALL: So, Little Brazil is free again!

(BARFS) (GROANS)

Orphan Two.

But alas, Mackerel escaped.

He's gone. Bye-bye. Haven't seem him in a long time.

Which means he's still out there, somewhere!

What we're getting at is Wallet, will you please come back to the orphanage and organize our books?

Orphan Two f*cked up the whole Dewey Decimal System that you established.

Look at him smiling.

I wasn't lying when I said I was a bad boy for life.

He's a bad boy. I'm bad to my bones.

Bad to his glass little bones.

Please come back to the orphanage.

Please, Wallet, please? Please?

NARRATOR: And then, for the first time ever, Wallet frowned.

He was upset with the orphan boys.

He was upset TeaTime had become a fish.

He was upset with everything.

He knew he had to leave.

What's the note say, Orphan One?

(SOBS) He wrote a heart because that's all we need.

Is love. Love. I was gonna say love.

Godspeed, you blue angel.

Godspeed, you blue angel.

Godspeed, you blue apron.

NARRATOR: Oh, and also, Wallet wrote some pretty detailed instructions on what fish food to feed TeaTime.

See, Wallet is cute, but not dumb.

(SHIP HORN BLOWS)

New York City.

Still, just a different part.

(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

Look at this ding-dong doing a little jig.

What a loser.

NARRATOR: Wallet had a hard time adjusting to life outside of Little Brazil.

But Wallet believed something good would cross his path in his new home, Pigeon Heights.

Or at least, something would come his way.

And before long, sure enough, something did.

(FANFARE PLAYS) (CROWD CHEERING)

(HAWKS, SPITS)

NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, right, okay. So after Green Day, when all the humans in New York d*ed, Phil became king of the pigeons.

You know what? Here's a quick informational video.

Tom Bergeron narrates, so listen up, okay?

BERGERON: The Rise of Pigeon King Phillip.

After Green Day, there was a great influx of out-of-state pigeons entering our city.

New York was becoming an Amazon Original series, a catastrophe.

Through the muck, one voice rose above the rest.

Kricket Wireless.

Somehow we're everywhere.

Kricket... Ow!

Hey, buddy, you stepped on my foot!

Hey! Who you calling "buddy," you f*cking volleyball-looking bitch!

Wait a minute. Overtly aggressive, decade-old fashion choices, and a shoehorned reference to the beach.

You're from New Jersey, aren't you?

Jersey strong. We're stronger than the storm, bitch!

God, it's people like you, Jersey trash, that are ruining our once great city.

New York should close its borders.

Take out the trash! Huh?

Come on, everybody! Yeah!

Take out the trash! He's right!

Take out the trash! Take out the trash!

I'd suck my own d*ck if I could!

KING PHIL: I'd suck my own d*ck if I could!

I'd suck my own d*ck if I could! I'd suck my own d*ck if I could!

Yeah! I'd suck my own d*ck if I could!

TOM BERGERON: From here, it was transparent that this patriot had a groundswell of support.

And no Sneaky Pete or fleabag would get in his way.

It was only one Mississippi until he was elected the first-ever pigeon king of New York.

He was indeed the man in the high castle.

The Rise of Pigeon King Phillip, narrated by Tom Bergeron.

NARRATOR: Pretty cool video, huh?

Was Tom Bergeron plugging Amazon shows? Did you catch that?

Every time I try to watch an Amazon Original, I accidentally end up buying paper towels.

Anyway, sorry, back to Wallet.

(HEAVY THUDDING)

(CROWD CHEERING) (CRIES)

Hey, blue thing! I find you curious.

I'm having security guard auditions tomorrow.

Come out if you're free.

(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

CASTING DIRECTOR: All right, that was great, Thor.

Really emotional. We'll be in touch.

Okay, next up for King Phil's bodyguard, WALL-E?

NARRATOR: Wallet read a lot of Stanislavski, so he wasn't too nervous for his audition.

Break a leg, Wallet!

♪ ♪

CASTING DIRECTOR: Hey, hey, can I just stop you right there?

Look, you can't lift anything.

You're not that fast. You're, like, four inches tall.

I just don't think it's gonna work out for the bodyguard.

Throw the tomatoes at him.

(CHUCKLES) This is the best part.

(KING PHIL GRUNTING) (GULPING)

Huh? Wait a second.

(GRUNTS) (GULPS)

Sorry, Sheila.

(SCREAMS)

SHEILA (MUFFLED): Get me the f*ck out of here!

Where am I?

Holy sh*t.

SHEILA: You know what? Actually, it's really nice.

It's really nice, King Phil.

Ooh! There's an Xbox in here.

Fascinating. You're hired!

(IRISH MUSIC PLAYING)

NARRATOR: From then on, Wallet became King Phil's servant, and right-hand man.

Wallet was excited to forge a new career.

But it was a hard, hard job.

(SQUEAKS)

(SQUEAKING)

NARRATOR: For Wallet, the worst part was driving home King Phil's ever-revolving door of one-night stands.

Yeah, yeah, it was fine, I guess.

Nothing too special, but check this out.

He's going to some kid's bar mitzvah in a couple weeks, and I was thinking we could do a little undercover job, you know this?

NARRATOR: Wait a minute. I've seen him before.

That's right, King Phil, it's us, the notable Icelandic t*rror1st group, Icees.

NARRATOR: Oh, my God! He's the leader of Icees, from the beginning of the episode!

Okay, this is almost too much.

Okay, let's flash-forward to present time.

So, here's the deal.

This is Jacob. Today is his bar mitzvah.

Uh, actually, you know what, Narrator?

I'll take it from here.

I'm Jacob. It's my bar mitzvah.

I'm not Jewish, but I am desperately trying to become a man ever since my father Mike, pictured here, totally checked out in the parenting department ever since my mom Meghan, entering now, separated from him because he was jealous of her high-power job as secretary of defense with King Phil, who we've already met.

MALE: Holy sh*t, King Phil's here!

King Phil! King Phil!

Hi, thanks. I'd suck my own d*ck if I...

Ah, thank you so much. Thank you.

All right, Wallet, I'm gonna hop off and make the rounds and say hi to my old poor friend, Mike, and you stay here with the Chihuahua.

And if I catch you two snuggling again, you're getting a newspaper!

I raised my voice because I love you and I want you to know that I'm stern.

Saudi Arabia?

More like "Sorry My Labia"

'cause you're f*cking me so hard right now, Prince Al-Anoud!

Jacob! Honey, I'm so proud of you! Mommy!

Mike, I believe you know my secretary of defense and your wife you're separated from, Meghan.

Hi Mike, it's nice to see you.

Meghan, I believe you know local elementary school secretary, Mike.

Um, I'm a lunch lady. Lunch man, whatever.

TOM BERGERON: Shut up, Mike.

Hold the g*dd*mn phone. Was that Tom Bergeron?

TOM BERGERON: This is Berger on the Go!

A soundboard created for Pigeon King Phillip.

Mike is poor.

No. Uh-uh. - Mike is a sad, single dad.

(LAUGHS) That's one of those things that's funny 'cause it's true.

TOM BERGERON: King Phil is your biological father, Jacob.

Why would you have Tom Bergeron say that?

Whoa.

TOM BERGERON (BEATBOXING): Mike is poor. Sad dad.

Sad... Sad... Sad dad.

♪ Mike is poor! ♪ PHIL: It's so catchy, isn't it?

Isn't it so catchy? It's really catchy!

♪ ♪ Whoa! Are you seeing this?

Wallet is sick! PHIL: Wallet!

Let's get food.

I mean, there's no spaghetti.

There's no chicken fingers.

Do we have the jeweled sponge?

I believe we have some in the back, sir.

Sir, excuse me, what is this garbage you got here?

This is called food, from the bottom of the ocean.

Phoebe, don't eat that!

Let him eat, it's good for him.

Well, she threw up.

You look familiar.

Don't you recall me? No...

We had a one-night stand only last week, King Phil.

Honey, I go through more knobs than an arcade in the '80s, all right?

PHONE: Good one, King Phil.

I wouldn't remember you if you told me your name.

It's Olafur.

Okay, I don't remember you and I just told you...

No, no, no. I wanted to tell you my name was Olafur because it is the last name you will ever hear!

KING PHIL: Yeah, okay, sure. Well, if you want an autograph, it's like 30 bucks. You're not listening.

Wallet, stop eating crumbs off the floor!

I mean...

(SCREAMING)

Holy sh*t! Wallet, protect me!

(SCREAMS)

What the hell is happening? Who are these guys?

You're probably wondering how we obtained entry into this bar mitzvah.

Well, it's kind of a funny story.

NARRATOR: Wait, so, he gets a flashback too?

Yes, that's right, Narrator.

I'm taking the reigns. (JACOB GRUNTS)

Here's how we did it.

And we dissolve to the past.

OLAFUR: You see, I found the invitation to this bar mitzvah when we had our one-night stand of ass-to-mouth lovemaking last week.

Such cheap card stock was this invitation printed on, that I knew if I created a low-price catering company, the father of the Jewish boy would most likely hire us, him being such a cheap bastard.

Then, it was just a question of incorporating in Delaware, getting a van, getting equipment, getting caterer uniforms.

Then we had to get the Yelp reviews.

You have to have actual people write them.

They track your IP address.

Once we had some credibility, this cheap bastard hired us sight unseen.

And that, my friend, is how we became the caterers of the bar mitzvah!

I mean, Icees!

(CROWD GASPS)

King Phil.

You will reopen the borders to New York City and allow outside pigeons in.

Olafur, I'll never open the borders!

f*ck you! I'll w*r all of you!

Fine then! Lock the doors!

Wallet! I told you, no crumbs!

What are you gonna do to get me out of this, you useless Hot Pocket with feathers?

What are you gonna do? Wallet?

Wallet? Wallet!

Wallet, help! Help, Wallet!

TEATIME: Wallet, help!

TEATIME: Help!

NARRATOR: Oh, no!

Oh, no! Oh, no! Not good!

Hey, it's me, the Narrator.

Anyway, what's happening right now is, all the bad boy books that Wallet was forced to read when he briefly librarianed for the Yakuza are coagulating.

And I gotta tell ya, I don't know what's gonna happen.

(THUNDER CRACKS)

Oh, my God.

He's transforming into...

Dark Wallet!

♪ ♪

(CLATTERING)

Holy sh*t! Way to go, Wallet!

Daddy loves you!

I'm a sinner and a fraud.

I'm from New Jersey.

Bruce Springsteen is a God to me.

I will reopen the New York City borders to other migrant pigeons! Please, Wallet! Let me go!

Wallet, you're k*lling him!

I'm self-centered and I resent my wife because I do not earn enough financially.

I should listen to others more and focus on being a good dad

...to my boy, Jacob. Daddy!

Hi, Jacob. Happy birthday. Wallet, stop!

I spend literally all my free time masturbating.

Yessiree, any time I'm alone, I jerk it.

I was actually just in the bathroom stall doing it.

I didn't even stop when my grandpa started taking a dump next to me.

Okay, Wallet, that's enough from me!

Jacob, honey, wake up! Jacob? Jacob! (JACOB MOANING)

Wallet, what have you done?

You are bad, Wallet.

You are a bad boy!

NARRATOR: Where is my Wallet?

Oh, this is just perfect.

This is what I wanted all along.

Don't you see, Wallet?

I don't care about King Phil or the New York City borders.

(AMERICAN ACCENT): I'm not even Icelandic.

In fact, I was barely doing an accent.

In truth, I'm from a little part of New York City that you might be familiar with.

Little Brazil, which is 46th between 6th and Broadway.

NARRATOR: Okay, this is just too many things.

Oh, my God. Olafur was Mackerel all along?

What the f*ck? Sorry for the potty mouth.

That's right, Wallet.

It is I, the poison, the antidote, the Mackerel.

You see Wallet, you are the chosen reckoner as was foretold.

So let us work together.

Let us k*ll anyone who stands in our way, unless we can use them or if we have a crush on them.

What do you say, Wallet? Put it there.

Shake my hand and officially become a bad boy.

NARRATOR: Oh, no! Wallet, please don't!

Oh, thank God.

Well, this isn't the outcome I wanted at all.

But if you want a magic fight, you've got a magic fight.

Magic. Abracadabra. Voilà.

Okay, Wallet. You're quite powerful.

I'm losing some strength.

I'm down a bit now.

Now I'm worried. Real concerned.

My back is sweating. That's a fear indicator.

(MOANS)

You've won.

Phil, before I die, I'd like to tell you that I, in fact, enjoyed the sex we had and that it wasn't part of the ruse.

It was a thing I threw in because I am attracted to you.

Anyway, time for me to die.

Jacob, a mazel on your bar mitzvah.

Your people have gone through a lot. I wish you well.

(SQUELCHING)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)

NARRATOR: Ooh, yeah, yeah, Wallet!

k*ll the bad guys! Sweet, so sick!

(GULPS)

Jacob! Oh, you're okay, honey!

Who's my big boy?

NARRATOR: Wait. Where is Wallet going?

But... but he's a hero amongst the pigeons now.

Wallet, please stay!

What's the note say, King Phil?

I think I'm just gonna go back to being Phil again, guys.

I was a terrible and unjust king...

The note, Phil! Read the note. Yeah, sure.

(CHUCKLES) It's a heart.

ALL: Aw!

And on the back is his two weeks' notice, but, you know, the heart.

It's like he's saying that all we need is love.

(CHUCKLES) Wow. Hey Meghan, maybe me and you...

Hey Mike, you know she's dating The Ministry of Tennis instructor?

Phil, I was gonna tell... You're actually dating somebody?

Yes, I'm dating Alex.

Alex Freidleman? Yes.

Ooh! A new daddy!

f*ck.

All right, bye, everyone! Bye, everybody!

That's it for our story line.

Thank you so much. Hey, great job.

That was, like, so much fun.

MIKE: Thanks for checking in, everyone.

We're just gonna wrap it up with the rest of the Wallet story line.

That's great. Sounds awesome.

♪ ♪

Wallet? It's us, the orphans.

Yeah, we're old now.

The orphans age much faster.

Wallet, you have to understand.

We didn't ever think you'd come back.

It's been many years.

We had orphans of our own.

They had orphans of their own.

And so on and so etc.

(FLIES BUZZING)

ORPHAN ONE: TeaTime. We couldn't keep watching over her.

ORPHAN THREE: We're sorry.

♪ ♪

(ECHOING) I am the poison and the antidote.

TEATIME: Wallet?

(SQUEAKS HAPPILY)

♪ ♪

♪ Wallet, Wallet, Wallet, pigeon in the sky ♪

♪ Tiny little birdie, how easy that you fly ♪

♪ Wallet, Wallet uses magic to stop crime ♪

♪ Oh, he's a little birdie, best friends with TeaTime ♪

♪ Wallet, Wallet, Wallet ♪

♪ Pigeon in the sky ♪

♪ Tiny little birdie ♪

♪ How easy that you fly ♪

♪ Wallet, Wallet, Wallet, pigeon in the sky ♪

♪