04x15 - In My Room

[bunniefuu]

♪♪ Are you reading your own John Stuart Mill book?

I finally convinced the university to let me teach a class on Mill, so I'm brushing up on my favorite anecdotes.

Wrote a history of Rome at age 6

[chuckling] the scamp. That's it.

We're losing the swear jar and getting a dork jar.

You owe a quarter for "scamp."

I'm getting a hot tub next month.

But it might not get off the ground.

Only a few students have signed up so far.

You want to fill up the class?

Just teach a subject kids care about.

Like water slides or skateboard fails.

Good tips. Helpful.

Uh-huh.

You're still reading "Gone Girl"?

Don't say it like that.

It's been years! Ohh.

You checked that out on my library card.

They're gonna revoke my microfiche privileges!

Another quarter. And it's not my fault.

Every time I pick it up, a child interrupts me.

♪♪ Is my breath really that bad?

[ Exhales deeply ]

What's my Social Security number?

A Nigerian prince needs it.

Mom, is my nose bleeding?

And then there's the "I can't find my"s.

Mom, I can't find my...

-Backpack. -Jacket.

-Sneaker. -Headphones.

-Toothbrush. -Other sneaker.

-Turtle. -Sunglasses.

-Lucky socks. -Keys.

-Cufflinks. -Lucky earrings.

-Lipstick. -Ascot.

-Lucky hairband. -Sunglasses.

-Shoehorn. -Lucky cough drop.

-Charger. -Charger.

Lucky charger.

I haven't had a moment to myself since Taylor kicked out my mucus plug.

Lovely. [ Footsteps approach ]

One of you has to take me driving.

I need 40 hours to get my license.

I can't even complain about being interrupted without being interrupted!

There is nowhere that I can go to get away from these people.

I decided what I wanted for my big girl room.

Direct your eyes to my vision board.

It's Jackie O's 5th Avenue Apartment.

I loved her ever since I saw her in the Zapruder Film.

We don't have money for new furniture, but you are free to use whatever you find around the house.

There's a bunch of old furniture in the basement.

If we don't have any money, then why does Taylor have that fancy new hoodie?

[ Refrigerator door opens ]

Didn't Trip buy that for her?

No. She bought it with the money she took from your wallet.

[ Refrigerator door closes ]

Taylor, is that true?

You said I could take a $20, so I did!

Three times.

I'll pay you back! With what?

With my future famous-person money.

Oh!

As long as you have a plan.

Thank you.

You're grounded.

Why couldn't you mind your own stupid business?

I'm 10! My business is boring!

If Taylor gets a hoodie, I want a driving instructor.

Well, we all want things, Oliver.

I want to finish this book before cataracts make my eyes explode, but I don't think that's gonna happen.

[ Book whooshes, thuds ]

That's a library book!

Another quarter.

♪♪ Okay, Lonnie, you were 19 years old and the biggest thing on the Internet.

What did you do with your first check from YouTube?

I bought a small town in Wyoming and renamed it "Fartsville."

They just got an Applebee's.

[ Sighs ] Hey, after work, can you come with me to the aquarium?

I need you to distract the guards while I jump into the shark t*nk.

Why on Earth would you do that?

Got to, bruh.

There's this new guy chomping at my likes on YouTube, Johnny Goodwin.

So I have to do something huge, or Johnny's gonna snake my spot as most-watched YouTuber.

Look at this. Come here.

[ Water splashes ]

[ Man grunts ]

Did he just throw a live crocodile into that man's bath?

That's his dad.

Yeah. He does tons of dad videos.

It's spectacular content, yo.

His dad could have lost any number of very important body parts.

My pops is not a team player like that, so I got to go in with the sharks.

I forbid it.

As long as you're spending time under my roof, you're not going to do anything stupid.

And before you retort, let me be clear -- it is not Opposite Day and will never be Opposite Day.

Hold up.

You could be my old dude. No.

People already know you on my channel as Professor Badonkadonk.

I'm not crazy about that.

I'm not a Badonkadonk.

I have a normal-sized fanny.

If I'm not getting the most likes when our book comes out, that's bad for sales.

Yeah, but -- Which is bad for your bonus.

But -- Which means you spent the last five months with me getting pelted with paintballs for no reason.

Yeah, I still don't think --

No reason! [ Paintball g*n fires ]

Ow! No reason!

Ow! No reason!

Ow! Okay, I'll help you!

Yeah! The Donks is in!

Come here, let me give that ginormous ass a slap.

It's not that big!

♪♪ Oliver wants driving lessons, and Anna-Kat and Taylor are at each other's throats.

I don't have a second for myself.

Well, with the divorce and splitting the kids with Richard, all I have is time. Me too.

Yesterday, I played "Fortnite" on my kids' Xbox.

Oh. I had 18 kills, then I got sh*t by a 9-year-old dressed like a banana.

Ohh. Divorce is amazing.

The only downside is that, if you fall in the shower, your kids are gonna find you naked.

I'm not divorcing Greg.

Well, I can't help you with Taylor and...

Anna-Kat.

Yeah, Anna-Kat.

Uh, but I will take Oliver driving.

Thank you, and why?

Yeah, you can't stand him.

Uh, well, he's fun to yell at.

He doesn't cry, but his eyes get all glisteny like I like.

[ Both laugh ]

♪♪

[ Growls ] Oh, dear!

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Laughs ]

But, seriously, folks, gorillas are endangered.

Recycle, yo. [ Clicks tongue ]

[ Music ends ]

[ Growls ] Oh, dear!

[ Dramatic music plays ] [ Grunts ]

[ Laughs ] Yes!

Disclaimer -- no humans were harmed during the filming of this video.

[ Weakly ] My tailbone.

[ Music continues ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Growls ] Oh [bleep] dear!

♪♪

[ Music stops ]

Oh, dear.

You gots to be ready for the second gorilla, Donks.

You gots to!

Forget Johnny Goodwin's dad.

You are racking up the likes!

Yeah. As long as we keep doing videos like these, our book sales are going to be as fat as that ass.

It's normal-sized!

By the way, you don't have a pacemaker, do you?

You're not tasing me.

[ Sighs ]

You know what?

Kate's right -- sometimes, you can be exhausting, bruh.

♪♪

[ Gasps ]

Where did you get that?

I found it in the basement.

Your dad and I used to have this in our first apartment, before we had kids.

Let me get in there.

[ Sighs ]

I loved this chair.

I used to take naps in it and read books.

Books? Really?

Huh. It's like learning you used to be a figure skater.

I know it's hard to believe, but before I had kids, my brain used to work.

Was there anything else down there?

Oh, yeah. A bunch of other weird old stuff, lot of photos and baby junk taking up perfectly good fallout-shelter real estate.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

There.

Now it looks exactly like the old studio apartment Dad and I lived in.

None of this was on my vision board.

And I don't believe Jackie O had a hot-dog toaster.

When is Doris gonna take me driving?

Mom, there's a party tonight.

Can't you be cool and ground me some other time?

Hey. You wanna hear the most beautiful sound in the world?

Yeah.

Mom! Hey! Seriously?!

Mom, it's my room! When is Doris gonna take me driving?!

Why can't I go to the party?! [ Indistinct shouting ]

♪ Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me ♪

♪ I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed ♪

[ Shouting continues ]

[ Music volume increases, shouting fades ] ♪ She was looking kind of dumb ♪

♪ With her finger and her thumb ♪

♪ In the shape of an "L" on her forehead ♪

♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star ♪

[ Knock on door ]

If you have a complaint, demand, a question about anything other than last night's episode of "The Bachelor," I'm not here!

What's going on in --

This looks like our old apartment.

Isn't it amazing?

It is.

Plus...

I saw Lonnie Googling, "How poisonous are scorpions?"

So it's nice to be in a safe place right now.

Oh, my God, the tiki bar.

The easy charm of French Polynesia with none of the painful colonialist scars.

The lamp I used to hit my head on.

The chair we accidentally made Taylor in.

The old VCR!

It still has "How to Make an American Quilt" jammed inside.

I think, of all the group sewing movies, that one is my favorite. Mm.

So, what does Anna-Kat think of her new room?

Bup-bup-bup-bup! Hup!

We don't have kids yet, Greg. It's 1999.

My only obligation is to finally finish this book.

[ Gasps ] My devil sticks!

I used to rock these.

Hup!

I'm not going through this again.

♪♪ Wow, you're giving me driving lessons in a Bentley?

Mm-hmm.

Hey! Stop groping my car, perv!

Get in. [ Car door closes ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Seat belt clicks ]

You're not sitting up here with me?

No.

You know I don't like being around you.

Then why did you offer to drive with me?

I'm getting dental work done.

They're putting me under and say I need someone I know to drive me home. Why me?

Because the procedure takes three hours, and I didn't want to make anyone wait.

Your time is worth nothing.

Drive!

♪♪ Where am I going?

Just get on the Parkway.

Oh, no, I only know how to drive on regular streets.

Take the Parkway.

I'm not ready.

The Parkway!

You're right. Studies show that screaming improves both confidence and cognition.

Stop overthinking it and just go!

You're a bully, and I won't be bullied.

I help kids deal with people like you every day at Teen Help Line.

Ugh! Teen Help Line.

This is how every call should go.

"Thanks for calling Teen Help Line.

Time to sack up, loser!"

♪♪ I did it!

I finally finished "Gone Girl."

Well? Didn't care for it.

Should have just watched the movie.

At least I would have seen some Affleck peen.

Should we go back out in the real world?

I have to work on the John Stuart Mill syllabus for my three students.

Or we could stay in here a bit longer.

What else did we used to do back then?

We still do that now.

Not the way we used to.

Well, if we're gonna do it that way, I need 15 minutes to stretch.

♪♪

[ Groaning softly ]

I like post-dental surgery Doris.

I've been driving for 10 minutes, and you haven't pointed out any of the places I'm gonna start balding.

I can't believe he just walked out.

He didn't even want to work on it.

The dentist?

What is going on in your mouth?

No. Richard.

Just forget I said anything, okay?

I'm all sideways from the nitrous.

And I might've taken a few pre-game anti-anxiety pals.

Pills.

No, they're my pals. [ Chuckles ]

If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen.

Do not Teen Help Line me, or I will teen face punch you.

Richard should be driving me home.

He was my "in case of emergency" contact.

Now you are! Ugh!

And I thought sleeping with my dog's allergist was rock bottom...

Why didn't you call my mom or Angela?

I didn't want their pity.

I'm always telling them how divorce and all the free time I have now is amazing.

But it's not.

It's really lonely.

Well, the best thing to do is talk about your feelings.

You know, get out -- There's a g*n in my glove compartment!

sh**t me with it!

Alright.

You were saying?

You may not be able to see it now, but you're lucky.

You've got close friends.

And if you stop pretending to be so tough all the time and open up to them, I'm confident that, with their help, you'll be able to move on from Richard and have a fulfilling, happy life.

Holy crap!

What?!

You're on the Parkway.

[ Chuckles ] Hey, I am.

Guess I was so busy talking to you, I didn't think about it.

I'm driving on the Parkway.

Now let me give you some advice -- do not do dr*gs.

But if you do, you should take whatever I'm on, because I am feeling gooood.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪ Since Mom is making you stay in my room, I guess I have to tell you I'm sneaking out to go to that party.

You're grounded. Mom's not gonna like it.

So you're gonna tattle again?

It's not tattling. It's just telling Mom the truth.

[ Scoffs ]

You need to get on my side.

It goes both ways.

You cover for me, I cover for you.

I don't need you to cover for me.

But eventually you will.

You're gonna want to do things they don't want you to do.

Like get that Hindenburg tattoo.

"Oh, the humanity" written amongst the flames.

To do it right, it'd need to cover my whole back.

Mom's not gonna let you do that.

So when you do it anyways, you need me on your side.

And the only way I'm gonna do that is if you're on my side.

Squid pro quo.

You shouldn't go. I have to.

The party is all everyone will be talking about at lunch on Monday, going like, "That was so epic," and I'll be like, "Totes MaGotes Papa Choats," and they'll be like, "L."

It's a grown-up thing. You wouldn't understand.

♪♪

♪ That's the way I like it and I never get bored ♪

♪ Hey, now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play ♪

♪ Hey, now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid ♪

♪ All that glitters is gold ♪ In here, it is 1999.

No kids. No exes.

No "Fortnite." ♪ Only sh**ting stars break the mold ♪

[ Laughter ]

Seriously, I cannot stop playing.

I haven't gone to work in two days.

Greg: Katie?

Be cool.

It's my old man.

Mm.

Hey, honey.

It's midnight. What's going on with you?

You've been locked in that room for 12 hours.

And yet...I have never felt more free.

Greg, kids are like a 24-hour diner -- once it opens, it never closes.

And you can't skip a shift. Ever.

This room is taking me back before we opened our diner.

I'm tired.

And I just need a break. I get that.

But just for my own crazy wanting-to-know-what's-going-on, how long are you planning to pretend you don't have kids?

How long did I pretend my hand was broken so you had to do all the cooking?

Six months.

That sounds about right.

Taylor?

Cover my tables. I'm calling in sick.

What do you think you're doing? [ Sighs ]

I was just downstairs getting a midnight snack.

Dressed like that?

♪♪ Is there anything I could say that would get me out of this?

I'm taking suggestions.

Go to your room.

I will deal with you in the morning.

[ Sighs ]

She didn't even try climbing up the trellis.

She just waltzed right into the front door.

What kind of sneaking is that?

Ohh! That reflects so poorly on me as a mother.

Katie, you cannot leave me with 1999 Doris.

She keeps doing the "Wassup" commercial.

Doris: Wassup?! See?

I just wanted to take a little break, but you couldn't let me, could you?

I know what happened.

You saw a little glimmer of freedom in my eye, and you couldn't stand it, and you had to snuff it out!

You're a mother-snuffer!

It wasn't Taylor's fault.

When I was going to bed, I realized I'd left my jacket at the park, so Taylor went to go get it for me.

Then why was she all dressed up?

There was a fashion flash mob at the same time.

To raise awareness for the garment industry working conditions.

How did Taylor know about it?

How did you not know?

Offline Otto over here. [ Chuckles ]

So Taylor went and got my jacket for me.

'Cause that's what sisters do. They have each other's backs.

That is the most ridiculous --

Okay. Thank you for clearing that up.

Very nice of you, Taylor. Saved me a trip.

You're welcome. Mm-hmm.

Are you still drunk?

A little.

Listen, I've got some good news and bad news.

Okay, let's start with the good news.

Anna-Kat was covering for Taylor.

She has never done that before.

Don't you see what this means?

I have some ideas, but I sense you really just want to say your thing.

The kids are starting to take care of one another.

If I'm not available, they will turn to each other and not me.

That means I get more breaks!

I'm gonna go check on Doris.

She went pretty hard last night, passed out.

Wait, what's the bad news?

Anna-Kat is a terrible liar.

Once again, this reflects poorly on me as a mother.

♪♪ Aah! Oh, dear!

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ] Ah!

Come on, Lonnie!

You've done this same prank so many times!

No, this one's totally different.

I'm a lady gorilla. Didn't you notice the bikini?

The future is female, bruh.

I'm not doing your videos anymore.

The book isn't worth it. I'm a respected educator.

My job is to make the world smarter.

These videos are clearly only making it dumber.

So, enough is enough.

I'm Professor Otto, not Professor Badonkadonk!

[ Dog barking in distance ]

Don't worry, folks. He doesn't mean it.

It's Opposite Day.

Greg: I said it would never be Opposite Day!

Yeah, but you said it on Opposite Day!

♪♪ You did some damage last night.

[ Groans lightly ]

I'm miserable being divorced.

I had a feeling.

Why didn't you say something?

Pbht!

You know that I'm here for you.

Yeah. I do. [ Chuckles ]

Okay. [ Sighs ]

Look, I know you said no kid talk last night...

Mm-hmm. ...but I want to tell you something, and this isn't easy for me to say --

Oliver is really becoming... less hateable.

Are you trying to tell me that you are starting to like him?

No. Never!

I'm just saying he's... detestable lite.

I was in a bad way yesterday, and he really helped me through something.

Parenting is such a grind, but then someone comes along and tells you that your son is a good kid --

I never said "good kid."

It makes you not want to pretend that you don't have them anymore.

I'm glad I could help.

Now I really got to do something about this hangover.

[ Pounding on door ]

Oliver, quit doing gross boy stuff!

I need you to drive me to Taco Bell!

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

You're here for John Stuart Mill:

An Intro to Utilitarianism?

Damn straight!

Okay.

Wow.

Well, welcome, everyone.

[ Students cheer ]

Dude, say, "Oh, dear!"

Oh.

My name is Professor Otto.

[ Marker squeaks ]

-This sucks. -Get outta here.

The cornerstone of Mill's philosophy is the greatest happiness for the greatest number of people should be the guiding principle of any conduct.

[ Marker cap clicks ]

With that in mind, I give you...

Man: Badonkadonk!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Date my mom, Professor Badonkadonk!

Whoo! Badonkadonk!

Let's get started.

♪♪ I think this is the last of your old stuff.

Sorry I stole your room for a little while.

It's okay, Mom.

Mood swings are very common for a woman your age, as well as hot flashes and...

Anna-Kat, I'm not even 40!

...irritability.

Moving on.

Dad and I talked about it, and we are going to find a way to buy you some of that stuff that you want for your big girl room.

Are you serious? Mm-hmm.

Thanks, Mom.

I don't care what anyone else says --

I think you're handling menopause with a lot of grace.

♪♪

[ Muffled ] Well, I guess in the end, I married the person I thought my parents wanted me to marry.

Not the man I wanted to marry.

I thought you were supposed to talk to my mom about this stuff.

Well, she doesn't always have the best advice.

Plus, she doesn't know anything about divorce.

And I do?

Well, you're very familiar with loneliness, I imagine.

For your information, I am single by choice.

[ Scoffs ] Yeah, other people's choice.

[ Laughs ]

I see you're feeling better.

♪♪