04x16 - The Battle for Second Breakfast

[bunniefuu]

Katie: Second Breakfast.

My safe place -- a place I can complain about my husband and bitch about my children.

It's cheaper than therapy, and there's pancakes.

And there are my best friends, who listen to me, give me advice, and keep me from driving my car into the lake.

What am I talking about? The kids are too big now.

They will just wrestle the steering wheel away from me.

[ Sighs ] I have a big problem.

Ah. Oliver's taller than me.

[ Both laugh ]

Are you guys listening? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Anna-Kat's weird. Oliver likes money.

I didn't say any of that.

Oh. Taylor's dumb?

No! Oliver is taller than me!

I like to look down at him when I'm yelling.

"Because I said so" doesn't have the same impact when I'm staring up at his nostrils.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Whispers indistinctly ] I know.

Hello?!

I'm workshopping a problem here.

[ Chuckles ] Sorry, we're a little distracted.

Oh, Angela's hot new girlfriend, Jane, has an even hotter brother named Charlie.

Mm-hmm. We went fancy bowling last night.

Jane scored a perfect game.

And Charlie scored big, too! Up top!

[ Both laugh ]

You had a fun night. [ Chuckles ]

Glad we covered that. So, Oliver --

You know, Charlie and Doris really hit it off.

Oh, he hit it, all right.

Mm-hmm. Boom-shaka-laka!

[ Both laugh ]

You think you're going on a second date?

Oh, yeah. We're gonna go hiking with them tomorrow morning. Mm.

We might be a little late for Second Breakfast.

Late?!

You're late for your kid's music recital, not Second Breakfast!

This is important.

How about you come hiking with us?

Yeah. Absolutely not.

Hiking is on my "no" list.

No hiking, no nutmeg, no fake-ass veggie meat.

But I remember you saying you liked it.

Before I knew I was being tricked.

Mm-hmm.

Delicious, fake-ass veggie meat.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪ Hey, guys. How was school?

Eh. Eh.

[ Luther whimpers ] Terrific.

[ Door closes ] Oh.

Mustard?!

Well, I'm sorry you don't like the mustard on my sandwich.

Don't be sorry. Just don't do it again.

Mm. Dad, I had an awesome day.

We got our Popsicle-stick project assignments.

I got Fort Trumbull.

Fort Trumbull! Built in 1777!

A fortification to protect the government of Connecticut!

How exciting!

Popsicle-stick projects are a milestone in any child's life.

Taylor, remember the Popsicle-stick Brooklyn Bridge we made together?

Nope.

And, Oliver, remember we had such a blast making our Popsicle-stick U.N. headquarters?

Nope.

Well, I got an "A" on both of them.

I'm gonna go do some research.

Well, this is gonna be great!

And your mom called me a weirdo because I had people from work bring in their used Popsicle sticks.

You know they sell them at Michaels for, like, one dollar for a thousand.

I did not.

Hi! Hi, honey.

Ooh, a snack!

[ Crunches ]

Mustard. Who likes mustard?

I do! The guy who made the sandwich!

I'm gonna eat this in my office.

Ugh.

Wait, come back here. Let's go back-to-back.

[ Groans ] Again?

Taylor, who's taller?

Oliver. Still.

Damn it!

I've outgrown you, woman. Deal with it.

Go pick up Luther's poop in the front yard.

Are you punishing me for being taller than you?

Yes, I am.

And now I'm punishing you for pointing out how ridiculous that is.

It's Taylor's turn to pick up poop.

No way! I did it yesterday!

Oh, look who thinks she can keep track of days now.

Okay. Here's how it's gonna go down -- both of you are doing it together for the rest of the week.

That is so unfair!

Well, you should have thought about that before you let your brother get taller than me.

[ Scoffs ] You're insane.

I'm a mother of three! Of course I'm insane!

So, I've boiled and sterilized my coworkers' Popsicle sticks.

You know you can get them at Michaels for like --

I know. I've heard.

Next, we draw up a blueprint.

I'll need a dozen sharpened pencils, a few yards of waterproof vellum paper, and one Oreo.

Not for the project. I've just been good today.

Thanks for your help, Dad, but I got this.

You want to make the fort by yourself?

But we were such a good team when we made our Berlin Wall out of German egg noodles.

Which look just like normal egg noodles, but we knew.

We knew.

Aah, I can't say no to that face.

Such soft, delicate features, like an old, sick woman.

♪♪

[ Groans ] It's your turn, and you know it.

Boy, first thing in the morning, you look like... hmm, well, what we're putting in these bags.

Me? [ Scoffs ] Look at you.

Nice shirt.

Thanks. Some guy sh*t me in the face with it at a Knicks game.

Oh.

[ Birds chirping ]

Wait, was that the...?

Street Pics Car?

They just took our picture!

But my clothes!

[ Gasps ] My hair!

We're gonna look like this on Street Pics forever!

We actually look worse than the house, which I didn't think was possible.

We need to find that car and make sure that photo never sees the light of day.

What are we gonna do? Run after it?

In my panda slippers?

Think of something! You think of something!

Oh, wait, I'll think of something.

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Okay if we borrow these chairs?

Actually, they're taken.

My friends are just running late.

They should be here any minute.

I'm not alone.

I'm just waiting for my friends.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Are your kids taller than you?

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Hi. Are you here by yourself?

Apparently I am.

But I guess if you would like to join...

This is a downside to how popular I was in high school.

I am completely unprepared for this situation.

Do I flip the table or just leave?

Just leave.

And...done!

Fort Trumbull is complete!

Let's wait for the glue to dry, and I'll paint the cardboard to look more like a lawn.

Or -- and here's a really great idea -- we put fake grass down to make it look more authentic.

I think I just want to paint it.

I used fake grass on Oliver's project, and we got extra credit.

His teacher said it was "well done" and "unnecessary."

Painting is fine.

It'll look way better with turf.

Besides, it gives me a reason to go to the Hobby Shop.

I like to go to the miniature section and pretend I'm a giant.

It really brings the store down. [ Chuckles ]

♪♪ They dumped me for a stupid hike with Jane and Charlie.

I have things I have to talk to them about --

Oliver getting taller, "The Bachelor."

You can talk to me.

I can't talk to you about "The Bachelor."

You're all, "Who's paying for all these dates?

The helicopter budget alone must be insane."

You ruin it, Greg.

I'm just saying, one day the helicopters won't be there.

And what is this couple left with?

Hard marital work.

How could Doris and Angela stand me up?

Second Breakfast is sacred!

I know it sucks you got stood up, but it sounds like you might be overreacting.

You know, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be in this situation.

With Angela and Doris?

No, with Oliver.

You're tall, now he's getting tall.

I should have married Bobby Hudson.

Who?

My high-school boyfriend. He's 5'6".

He would have guaranteed me Hobbit children.

Okay, instead of taking your frustrations out on me, why don't you tell Doris and Angela how you feel about them standing you up?

You're right.

I am gonna give them a taste of their own medicine and teach them what it feels like to be replaced.

That's not what I said.

I realize that, but I smartened you up in my head.

You're welcome.

♪♪

These are the top ten most humiliating images caught by Street Pics.

This could be us.

[ Clicking ]

[ Scoffs ]

What kind of person keeps a Hello Kitty Nativity scene in their front yard?

The same kind of person who wears an "I farted. So what?" T-shirt.

Like you should talk.

You looked like a Troll doll from the opioid crisis collection.

That picture of us could be on the Internet forever.

[ Sighs ] If Cooper's helicopter can't locate the Street Pics guy, we'll have to move off the grid.

Somewhere we catch our own rainwater and drink our own urine.

Why would we have to drink our own urine if we have rainwater?

[ Door closes ] We just do, okay?

You know who would win the award for loudest chewing of a banana?

Greg.

I stopped buying bananas, but he now steals them from work.

What's happening?

Did you know that Greg adjusts the mirrors every time he gets in his car?

What does he think changed?

Why are you calling Dad "Greg"?

Is this because Doris and Angela ditched you?

Are you trying to make us your breakfast friends?

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Greg got up to pee four times last night, and it wouldn't be that bad, but every time he got back in the bed, it was like a hippopotamus flopping down next to me.

Stop badmouthing Dad!

He's nice, and he taught me how to ride a bike.

All right, let's move on.

My kids, they're kind of the worst.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Cooper's helicopter located the Street Pics car.

It's in downtown Fairfield.

Let's go. We have to make him retake the photo.

Have a great day! Make good choices!

[ Door opens ] Stop growing!

[ Door closes ] Ohh.

♪♪ Hey!

You're the "I farted. So what?" guy!

We need to talk to you.

You're Rat's Nest Poop Shovel!

Listen, we need you to come back to our house and retake the photo.

Oh. We don't do that.

But you have to.

That's not how I want to be remembered.

I want to be remembered for doing something great, like curing cancer or winning "Dancing With the Stars."

Okay, I'll circle back and retake it.

Yes! Thank you!

On one condition.

Fine, my sister will go on a date with you.

No. I want that fancy Westport belt.

No deal.

This Ferragamo belt means more to me than any member of my family.

It's either the belt or looking stupid on the Internet forever.

Can't you just go out with my sister?

She just got that vaccine.

Shut up!

It's the belt or no reshoot.

All right!

I'll come by at some point.

When, exactly?

Oh, I can't give you a specific time.

Do you want a four-hour window?

Yeah.

Eh, I can't give you that either. [ Seat belt clicks ]

Bye!

We have to stay inside at all times.

And if we do go outside, we have to be our best-dressed just in case he's driving by.

Ferragamo!

♪♪

♪♪ It's so crazy that we're dating a brother and a sister.

[ Chuckles ] I know.

Wait, is that gross or hot?

Oh, it's hot.

Now, if they were twins, it would be gross.

It's a real fine line with this stuff.

Ew. [ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh! [ Alert sounds ]

Katie cancelled.

On bottomless raspberry-lemonade day?

That's strange.

Mm. [ Katie sighs loudly ]

All right, besties, welcome to Second Breakfast!

[ Scoffs ]

You think she's mad 'cause we went hiking yesterday?

She's mad that hiking is a thing, so, yeah, probably.

Mm-hmm.

♪♪ Hey! [ Door closes ]

Just got back from the Hobby Shop.

Some other guy wanted this roll of perennial rye, but I b*at him out.

I guess you could say we had a "turf" w*r.

None of that happened.

I was just setting up a joke I thought of in the car.

I said I didn't need grass.

Everyone says that until they see it.

Where's the fort?

I turned it in already.

It's not due until Thursday.

It was finished.

How could it be finished when I'm sitting here holding a roll of Connecticut perennial rye?!

Trust me. It was good enough.

Good enough? Good enough?!

Dad, it's my project.

Yeah, it's your project, but you're my project, and if you're willing to turn in some slapdash grassless trash for class, then I'm failing.

And, yeah, my flow is sick!

[ Door slams ]

[ Laughs ]

Why is that funny?

My nicked colon is no laughing matter.

It's important that we look like we're enjoying ourselves.

Maria, why did you have to bring him?

I have news. We're officially courting.

We now do everything together.

Except number two. Yep.

"Number two" is grocery shopping.

I prefer to do it myself.

Oh.

Oh, good. They're watching.

Ablin, pretend like you're having fun.

Stop that! Maria, control your man!

We don't do stuff like that.

The point of Second Breakfast is to bond and air any grievances in your life.

My mom fell and broke her hip and --

Usually, we start with me.

[ Shouting ] Have you ever had friends that don't value loyalty or tradition?!

All of my ferrets have betrayed me.

Ablin, keep telling that hilarious colon story.

Okay, um, I became septic.

The pain was so great that I actually begged them to k*ll me.

[ Laughs loudly ]

Oh, hi.

Didn't see you there.

Katie, why are you being like this?

I'm not being like anything.

You have new people in your life, and I've got new people in mine.

We texted you. We were on a hike.

We're allowed to go hiking, Katie.

In fact, we're going again this afternoon.

[ Gasps ]

Katie, we're allowed to have lives outside of Second Breakfast.

I couldn't agree more. I have one right here.

Maybe Second Breakfast is getting in the way of these other fantastic lives we have.

Really? Are you seriously doing this?

Oh, I'm doing it.

This is my new table with my new friends, Maria and Abbie.

Okay. Oh, well, if you want to be like that, fine.

Fine!

Then the morphine kicked in, and, uh, well, I got addicted to that.

Please stop.

♪♪ Ohh, there you are.

I am done with Second Breakfast!

Doris and Angela are starting new lives without me.

Well, Anna-Kat finished her project without me.

I mean, remember this one I did with Oliver?

We made the Parthenon out of marshmallows.

Mm.

And here's Taylor's toothpick Eiffel Tower.

[ "La Marseillaise" plays ] I lit it for Bastille Day.

Working on these was so fun.

And now it's over.

[ Music stops ]

She was my last kid, with the last elementary-school project.

Should we...?

Have another baby? Sure!

If you want to carry it.

You know, if I could, I would.

And I would do natural childbirth.

I'd want to feel it.

Oh, you'd feel it.

Anna-Kat was 11 pounds.

They had to rebuild my undercarriage with a scrunchy and part of my thigh.

Charming.

Meanwhile, that 11-pound baby just handed in our project behind my back with cheap painted-on grass.

[ Sighs ] She doesn't need me anymore.

I yelled at her.

Enjoy it now, because when she gets taller, it's not as fun to do that.

I think I owe her an apology.

Hey, you're always in the wrong.

Can you come with me and coach me through it?

Sure.

Ohh, look at the detail on that DNA double helix made with gumdrops and Twizzlers.

Hmm.

That's nine years old!

So, about what happened earlier...

Oh. Apology time.

You're smart to bring the expert.

You were right.

The fort was perfect the way you made it.

Except for the --

Don't veer.

Thanks. It was perfect.

Then why did you get so upset?

Because we always used to do your projects together, and now you can do them by yourself.

You don't need me. And I freaked out.

It doesn't mean I don't need you anymore.

I just...have my own life, you know?

I know. I know.

I made it about me, and it's not.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no.

What? I thought that was a good apology.

I mean, I didn't try to shift blame or cry, like you said I should, but I thought we got to a good place.

No. I've got to go track down Doris and Angela.

Turns out I'm to blame again.

Why does this keep happening?

I'm always in the wrong place at the wrong time being the wrong person.

That one's a project we'll be working on together for the rest of our lives.

♪♪

[ Horn honks ]

Hey! Here it comes!

Oh, we need to get inside.

Although, I am having a really great hair day.

Yeah. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I was like, "You've grown up real good."

Maybe we should be in the picture.

Yeah, I could be remembered forever like this.

[ Squish ]

Look at my shoes!

You didn't turn off the hose after we cleaned up Luther's poop!

My very-convincing Bernuti knockoffs are ruined!

Don't be a baby. It's just mud.

Oh, yeah?

[ Gasps ] What is wrong with you?!

It's just mud.

Well, this is just me pushing you into "just mud."

[ Screams ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Horn blares ]

[ Laughs ] I don't know how this is any better, but thanks for the belt.

Maybe this is a sign Mom's right.

We should try to get along better.

Eh.

Yeah, I know. I felt weird saying it.

♪♪ Ahh, how cute is it that Jane and Charlie ran ahead to set up a picnic?

Well, it'd be much cuter if they set it up right about here so that I wouldn't have to walk up this hill. [ Laughs ]

But we're in the new phase of the relationship, so I'm all, "Ooh! A hike! Ooh! A picnic!"

[ Laughs ] [ Sighs ]

Katie: Doris! Angela!

What? It couldn't be.

Wait up!

Oh.

Oh, God.

Ohh.

Slow down! Mnh-mnh.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

I'm wearing the shoes that I bought at the gas station.

They have very little arch support.

[ Sighs ] Guys, I'm on a hike.

This is huge for me.

The last time I was on a hike was in my dream.

Greg was a platypus and all my teeth fell out.

[ Breathing heavily ]

I thought we were leading separate lives, Katie.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

It's just, you guys met people and started taking hikes.

And soon there'll be weekend getaways and game nights, and Oliver is taller than me.

Just eliminate protein. That'll slow him down.

[ Groans ] I know I'm not making any sense.

Angela: Oh, I think I get what's happening.

Oliver got taller than you, and it freaked you out.

Doris: Meanwhile, Angela and I started dating new people, and things are changing.

And you hate change.

Yeah. That's true.

And you feel like everyone's moving forward and you're being left behind.

Yes!

And then we weren't there for you...

Through no fault of our own.

...to help you through all of this, which freaked you out even more.

And so, like a reasonable adult, you replaced us with your child's principal and his girlfriend.

That sums it up.

On the plus side, Oliver is growing up, so he's that much closer to moving out, which means you can turn his bedroom into a pottery studio.

Right! See?!

This is exactly what I needed to hear!

I need you guys.

So can we still have Second Breakfast?

Of course!

We need it now more than ever because we need to complain about the people we're dating.

Oh. I'll start. I hate hiking.

And if you think Greg's w*r reenactments are annoying, just wait until you hear about Jane's alcohol problem.

That sounds fun. I can't wait.

Come on. Walk to the top with us.

Yeah. I think you know better.

♪♪ Everything is changing so fast.

They don't need us for school projects.

Remember when they were so tiny?

Hmm.

♪♪

♪ It's all for you ♪

♪ Do it all, do it all, do it all again for you ♪

♪ Again for you ♪

♪ It's all for you ♪

♪ Do it all, do it all, do it all again for you ♪

♪ Again for you ♪

♪♪ They're gonna be gone before we know it.

Yeah. But there's an upside.

As soon as they move out... [ Taylor laughs ]

...pottery studio... home theater...

[ Indistinct conversation ] Hmm.

...Revolutionary w*r commemorative plate room.

Ooh!

♪♪

Look at that. We're number six on the Street Pics top 10 fails list.

How is it possible we b*at out

"Pantsless Granny Fights Possum"?

Oliver, stand up and come here.

[ Footsteps thudding ]

See?

This is more like it.

I got the upper hand back, baby!

Doctor says I'm gonna grow at least four more inches.

♪♪ Stop eating protein!

And start smoking!

♪♪