04x17 - All Is Fair in Love and w*r Reenactment

[bunniefuu]

That's mine! It's just juice, chill out!

Mom!

Taylor, undo whatever you just did.

Ewww. I can still see the drippy from where she took a sip.

♪ Turn down for what? ♪

♪ Turn down for what? ♪ Answer your phone. It's just a spam call.

♪ Turn down for what? ♪ This ringtone... is the best decision that I ever made.

You are never allowed to do that again. Someone could see.

We're in the kitchen! Who is going to see?

God, Santa, satellites, aliens, drones, Alexa...

Don't be ashamed 'cause your mom's got mad moves.

I should jot this down for my future therapist.

This feels like a significant moment.

♪ Turn down for what? ♪

♪ Turn down for what? ♪

I can't. Taylor, let's go.

Drop me off at a fire station.

Hopefully a nice "This Is Us" family will pick me up.

♪ Turn down for what? ♪

Bye, Dad. Oliver, come here.

I want to show you a new coin I got for my collection.

Ugh. I should have just pretended like I didn't see you.

The Historical Guild gave it to me when they named me General Beats for tomorrow's reenactment.

Yeah, coins are super neat.

Hmm. That came off a little less sarcastic than I wanted.

Let me do that again.

Yeah, coins are suuuuuper neat.

There we go. Just because I'm interested in something doesn't mean you should make fun of it.

It's not so much making fun as it is offering constructive criticism in a hurtful manner.

Thanks for the opportunity.

Mom, where are you?! Mom!!

You are only allowed to scream like that if you are bleeding or the ice-cream truck is on our street.

So, which is it? Taylor is a thief!

What are you talking about?

This! This crop-top shirt she's wearing is actually my regularly cropped shirt!

I let you leave the house in that?

No, I wore a sweatshirt over it.

I didn't want you to be upset so early in the morning.

You're welcome. Ground her right now!

Chill, Anna-Kat. We're sisters.

Sisters share clothes.

We do not "share clothes."

You steal my clothes and stretch them out with things I don't have yet.

You're letting her just get away?!

I demand justice!

Just because Taylor is bigger than you doesn't mean you can't stand up for yourself.

But can't you just...

No! You've got to stop seeing yourself as a powerless little girl.

You are a strong, independent young woman who is fully capable of fighting her own battles.

You're right.

Like Charlize Theron in that movie you definitely should not have shown me.

"Monster."

I thought it was a monster movie.

When I was bestowed the honor of portraying General Beats in the Battle of Westport, I knew I wanted only the bravest to join me on the front line, and I'm thrilled you decided to fight alongside me.

No problem.

With the extra credit that I'm getting for participating, my guidance counselor says graduation will be "not an impossibility."

I'm not getting extra credit for this.

Dr. Ellie loves when I go on field trips

'cause apparently I can be a bit much.

Let's get things started before I have any regrets.

Lonnie, you will be Sergeant Gus Johnson, General Beats's right-hand man and an ancestor to a long line of famous Johnsons.

Andrew Johnson was among them.

You said famous Johnson.

I know you don't take anything seriously, but just so we're clear, this reenactment is all based on historical events, so there will be no pranks of any kind.

I would never.

Well, I promise!

The b*ttlefield will be an NPZB.

No Prank Zone, Bro.

No pranks necessary.

I'm secretly filming this for another episode of "Professor Badonkadonk." NPZBPYP.

No Prank Zone, Bro. Psych! Yes, Pranks! Ha!

Trip, Franklin, you will be playing the Hudson brothers, the two young a*tillery officers who led the troops after General Beats was hanged by the Redcoats.

Wait, you die? Yes, but not before delivering my historic last words...

"May my death serve as an inspiration to the sons and daughters of the revolution.

Now and forever more."

Are you sure you want to go through with this, Mr. A?

It's just pretend, Trip. I'm not actually going to die.

It's important you remember that.

Okay. Good.

This is great. You and I are brothers.

My mom tried to get me a brother one time, but security at the mall was very tight.

All right, men. Tomorrow, we fight.

Tonight, we feast!

Dairy Queen? Sure.

So, Trip, what's your favorite color?

What's your shoe size?

Do you think there's regret in the afterlife?

Uh... Take your time.

I know the color one's hard.

Hey, amigos.

What's going on?

Right now, not much, but in about 15 minutes, I'mma see if I can fit five burgers in my mouth at once.

Spoiler... I can.

I'm taking my troop out for a final meal before battle.

Your troop? Yeah. I invited Lonnie, Trip, and Franklin to do the reenactment.

Don't worry. You're off the hook.

I'm not asking you to join.

Cool. Have fun at your little dress-up show.

It's a big dress-up show, and you know it.

You see what he's trying to do, right?

Feed a large group on a budget?

No. He thinks by inviting them instead of me, I'm gonna beg to be in his little brigade.

But he's got another thing coming.

I'm gonna teach him a lesson about teaching lessons.

Hey, do your evil smile, for old times' sake.

There's my guy.

Bleeding or ice-cream truck... which is it?

This was my favorite shirt, and it's been cut in half!

Anna-Kat!

'Sup? Did you do this to my shirt?!

I sure did.

Since you had to wear my shirt as a crop top, I decided to just give you one of your own.

And I will do so every time you wear one of my shirts. Got it?

I'm never touching your clothes again, you little psycho!

Mom!

Anna-Kat, I want to talk to you in the hall.

Now.

Anna-Kat, you can never do that again!

That was brilliant.

Destroying property is not okay!

Never prouder.

You are in huge trouble!

Like, I could cry right now.

Today we fight not only for our independence, but also for Mother Earth!

And so, on this Earth Day, we honor her by painting the fields red with the blood of our enemies!

But, seriously, the recycle bins are placed throughout, so let's leave the park cleaner than we found it.

Yeah! Yeah.

You got it. Cool.

That includes fingernail clippings, Dane.

I b*at a meth addiction, Ross.

I'm sorry if I have a little nervous energy.

Look not upon these men with friendly eye, for soon they shall be foe.

Bad guys. Oh.

Oliver?

He joined the British.

I can't believe it.

My son has become my enemy.

Ooh.

Can you say that again a little louder with more feeling, towards that bush?

Thanks. Uh...

I can't believe Oliver joined the Redcoats.

It's the ultimate betrayal.

Nah. You want to know what the ultimate betrayal is?

Domestic-animal abandonment.

Shout-out to our sponsors, Pet Pals of America.

Who's saving who?

You got to face your son.

You're right.

Beats was a man who took action.

It's time Greg Otto did the same.

Badonkadonk incoming. Do not miss this!

Zoom in for the tears, then rack it back for dat ass!

Okay. According to Mr. Otto, the Hudson brothers just sit in this tent and guard the cannonballs for battle.

But they're just spray-painted softballs and we're pretending they're cannonballs, right?

If you were my age, we'd be the kings of my special-ed class.

So, Brother Hudson, are you afraid of heights?

No.

Have you ever been to a roller-skating party?

Yep.

When/how do you feel most loved?

Can we have some quiet time, please?

Okay.

How are you enjoying your quiet time?

What are you doing here?

Oh, I thought the reenactment sounded fun, so I recruited Cooper and here we are.

And I love the uniform.

Could it use a few Tom Ford touches? Sure.

There's no way you thought this sounded fun, Oliver.

Oh, you wouldn't know what I thought because you didn't invite me.

You invited Trip, Franklin, and Lonnie.

I invited them because they don't mock me like you do.

Whenever I share an interest, I can count on you to make fun of it.

And this reenactment is a big deal for me, so why would I want to be around you for it?

You don't have to be! I'm a Redcoat!

And this time, we're gonna win!

That's not how it works, man.

Just for that, I'm canceling the Boston Tea Party.

It already happened.

These guys are so lame.

I hate to call you in during my lunch hour.

I don't mind. I do.

I called you down here because Anna-Kat has been very disruptive in class and is refusing to listen to authority.

Anna-Kat, we don't eat our snacks for another hour.

Sucks for you guys.

Have you tried talking to her? Of course.

We even brought up the prospect of silent lunch, but she said she's a powerful woman who will not let her voice be stifled.

Kind of hard to argue with that, seeing as I'm a cisgender straight man marinating in white privilege.

The district had me take an online seminar, so I'm both woke and duly chastened.

I know what's going on.

I taught Anna-Kat a lesson about standing up for herself, and it may have gotten a little out of hand.

I'll take care of it. Thanks.

By the way, I like what you've done with your hair, not that I was looking at your hair.

I'm going to go self-report.

We cool? No, we not cool.

Look, I'm proud of you for standing up for what you want, but you have to obey the rules.

Nah. I'm done letting people walk all over me.

Well, I'm your mother, and you have to listen to what I say.

Just because you're bigger than me doesn't mean I can't stand up to you.

No, no, no.

We're not playing that game.

Do as I say or no more bedtime tuck-ins.

That's fine. I'll put myself to bed.

Okay. You're grounded.

Watch me as I clear my social calendar.

Beep, boop, beep! All done.

See you at home.

No more Taco Tuesday!

Bored with it!

All right, men.

Ready?

Ready?

Fire! Bang!

Reload!

You know, it's one thing, Oliver making fun of me.

I can handle being made fun of.

Yeah. I mean, look at you. Bang!

You're wearing pantyhose and a blouse.

Exactly. Fire!

Bang!

Reload!

Bang! But showing up here to... to what?

To spite me, to mock me in front of my soldiers?

It's just disrespectful.

General, your tent has been hit. Bang!

What?! All my battle plans were in there!

And the pocket-sized painting of my hot colonial wife.

And my leprechaun. Bang!

Me having a leprechaun is just as likely as you having a hot wife.

Tell your three cats I say hi.

Oh, the three cats you beg to babysit every time I go out of town?

Hold the line!

Get ahold of yourselves.

This w*r is tearing us apart.

Fire!

Bang! Hold the line, men!

Look alive, team! The Caboose is loose!

Dear God. The devastation.

I'd like to share this moment with you, but I have no idea what this means.

The Redcoats sh*t a cannon, blew up the tent.

Everything's destroyed. Got it.

Dear God. The devastation.

Oliver.

Historically, this never happened.

He's going out of his way to ruin my day.

I can't believe all our provisions are gone.

Yo, time-out.

I'm just gonna sneak in, I'mma snag my Pop-Tarts.

There are no time-outs.

We're in the middle of a battle, soldier.

This is real!

Should be fine.

Do you think they can save it?!

That was unfortunate timing.

And who was your 3rd-grade teacher?

Mr. Barney. And who was your 4th-grade teacher?

Mrs. Anderson.

And what would you describe as your lowest moment?

This! This right now!

Here! Please k*ll me with this cannonball so I don't have to hear one more question!

I had no idea that's how you felt.

Because that's the one question you never asked me.

Well, if that's the case, you shouldn't have to die.

I will.

I wish mall security would've stopped you from being my brother, too.

Aw, Franklin. Come on. I didn't mean it!

I'll answer your questions!

My favorite color is...

It is a hard question, but the answer is it depends on my mood!

Franklin!

I'm completely powerless.

I have no more leverage over Anna-Kat.

Why don't you try that healing stone I gave you?

It can be very calming.

Did you charge it in the last full moon like I told you?

If you charge it by throwing it out the car window, then, yes, it's fully charged.

I don't know what else to do with her.

I've pulled out all the stops.

Have you really pulled out all of them... guilt, threats, denying her basic necessities?

Of course!

Well, what about public shaming... watching the embarrassment wash over their faces as they blink back tears?

So fun.

Shaming. How could I forget that?

So simple but so effective.

I used it on Taylor and Oliver, but the third kid always falls through the cracks.

It's why Anna-Kat still doesn't know how to ride a bike.

She doesn't know how to ride a bike?

That's not falling through the cracks, that's you being a...

So loving that she fell through the cracks.

How are you feeling, General?

I'd like to think I'm feeling quite a bit like Beats felt... he, a British national, fighting for the Americans against his brethren, me, a father, fighting against my own son.

Lieutenant Maddox!

I f-feel cold. A-Are you there?

I'm here. I'm here. Don't you leave me, damn it!

Really? The one thing I asked you not to do.

Stay calm, Lieutenant.

Let's get you to the medical tent.

Come on.

Can you believe my dad said he didn't want me around?

Are you actually asking me?

'Cause if you're asking me, I'm going to tell you the truth.

I'm asking. Then, yes, I can believe he said that.

You can be a complete and total jerk to him sometimes.

Hey! Do you have any idea how lucky you are?

My dad's somewhere on the Aegean Sea right now.

That's all he told me.

It's like... can't a guy get some coordinates or something?

And all your dad wants to do is share his interests with you, but you're too busy crapping all over him to notice.

Where you going?

I'm switching sides.

Your dad's a general worth fighting for.

Yellow fever.

I hate it here.

Franklin!

Franklin, where are you?!

Over here.

Franklin! Oh, God, you've been sh*t.

This is all my fault.

Oh, no. Gangrene's setting in.

I have to get you out of here. Too late.

The British are coming.

Not my brother!

Bang!

You die.

You saved my life.

This kind of bravery is exactly why I chose you for my "Hero" paper.

Wait. Are you really writing your paper on me?

Yeah. That's why I had to ask you so many questions.

But why me? Easy.

We read at the same level, we have the same taste in girls, and you're the nicest person I know.

Isn't that what being a hero's all about?

I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier.

That was definitely not heroic.

No, but we're the Hudson brothers.

We're all we got.

Mom d*ed during childbirth, and Dad ran off with a fur trapper.

I made up a backstory.

Fake brother or not, I'm here for you.

Thanks. So, as my big brother, can you take me to the medic?

Yeah. Let's get that g*nsh*t wound cleaned up.

No, the real medic. I'm allergic to sticker glue.

♪ Turn down for what? ♪

♪ Turn down for what? ♪

What are you doing?! ♪ Turn down for what? ♪ Getting into the groove.

And when that bell rings and this hallway fills up with kids...

♪ Turn down for what? ♪ ...I will be fully turning down for what.

Please! I'm begging you, do not dance!

I won't as long as you realize being a powerful young woman means speaking up when you've been wronged.

It doesn't mean doing whatever you want whenever you want.

Got it? Got it. I'll obey the rules.

Just put the dish towel away.

Don't test me, because one misstep and I'll be cutting a rug at school, graduation, your work Christmas party.

I have this power... forever.

I'll behave. I promise.

Good! Now you get back in class and learn how to add.

I'm in 5th grade. We're multiplying fractions.

We're adding. We're adding.

Here is about to be hanged General Beats, a traitor to the English crown.

Would anyone like to speak on this man's behalf?

I would.

I have a duty to clear my conscience.

I have been insubordinate to the General, and I was wrong to take for granted what a caring and gracious leader he is.

His life should be spared so that I can spend the rest of mine showing him how much he means to me.

I did that, muchacho. That was me.

Thank you, Oliver.

But I still have to die to inspire my men to fight and win the battle.

Traitor!

I really appreciate what you said, and it means the world to me that you're here, no matter how it happened.

I love you, Dad.

I love you, too, son.

Wow.

That was a nice moment.

Let's stop rolling, guys.

We shouldn't be making fun of Professor Badonkadonk.

No, no, no, no.

We absolutely should, just... not about this.

Let's pack it in, like Beats packs it into his pleated khakis.

Any final words, General Beats?

May my death serve as an inspiration to the sons and daughters of the revolution.

Now and forever more!

You're smiling too much.

I mean, still smile a little.

Dane's got to take the newsletter photo.

Everybody say, "Execution!"

Execution!

May my death serve as an inspiration to the sons and daughters of the revolution.

Now and forever more.

Wow. That was riveting.

Wish I could've seen it.

Actually, you can.

Oh, God. I gotta come clean.

My guys were filming the whole time.

Lonnie, I knew you couldn't help yourself.

No, I did help myself!

After being there and watching you and Oliver, I saw how much it meant to you, so I'm not using the footage.

But I did edit it into a heroic highlight reel from the battle, so... check it out.

Okay.

- Fire! Bang!

Reload!

Everybody say, "Execution!"

Execution!

I guess there is something more embarrassing than your dancing.