10x92 - Hall of Shame: Kevin & V

[bunniefuu]

[rock music]

♪ Na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, hey, hey, hey... ♪

[Kev]

Morning, Billy.

♪ Three bucks a sh*t.

♪ ♪ Steady just watch ♪

♪ Hands up high as confetti gets dropped ♪

♪ Go, go, can't be stopped ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ready or not... ♪

I got Oxy, Vicodin, Percocet, Xanax, Adderall, morphine, and Valium.

Five bucks a pill, less if you buy in bulk.

[Kev]

No, no, no, no.

If I can't buy my girlfriend's mom drinks, what good am I?

No damn good.

- What do you call that?

- Death.

Bottoms up.

- [Tommy]

Cheers.

- Cheers.

m*therf*cker.

- ♪ Ready or not ♪

♪ Here I come ♪

Oh, sh*t.

[Kev]

Hey.

[spluttering]

- [thunk]

- Aah!

[Svetlana cries out]

Gah!

[Svetlana cries out]

Should we try to stop them?

Not until some clothes come off.

Lenny, what the f*ck, man?

This isn't a litter box.

Where did you dump the asbestos?

You know what?

You know what?

Don't tell me.

It's better that I don't know.

[Veronica]

How many mamas we know in the hood still feeding their babies titty milk?

Whoa, no IV dr*gs.

Pump it pure.

[man]

Where's the keg?

A little early to be drinking, isn't it?

A tough night for the new liver.

How much you give me... for this?

[dog whines]

Take him back right now, man.

We left Billy here last night?

I'm sorry about that, buddy.

Oh, my God, he's dead.

I touched a dead guy.

[All chanting in Russian]

Whoo-ee!

Shift change.

Russian hour is over.

It's Kentucky time.

Ladies and gentlemen, announcing the latest addition to the Ball family, Amy and Gemma!

- Oh, nice!

- [bar-goers cheer]

Why do you drink

[all]

To get drunk!

- And why do you all smoke

- [all]

To get high!

Now everybody Have you heard

All right, place your bets.

Thank you.

Nine...

- Thirty, thirty-one...

- [Frank]

Uh-oh.

[Lip]

Thirty-two...

Oh!

[Driving electronic music]

Do it!

[groaning]

[officiant]

You may kiss the bride.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah!

[laughter]

Do you wanna open a whorehouse?

No, of course not.

Just a rub and tug.

Just wanna know if you, uh...

want a hand job.

Hey, hand me my phone, would you?

Might wanna toss that minnow back into the lake, Lorenzo.

Holy sh*t, look at the hog on Stan.

I've heard rumors about that thing.

[Kev]

What's he doing with the belt around his neck while he's taking a piss?

He was jacking off, Kev.

And strangling himself at the same time.

Why?

'Cause it feels good.

[Upbeat music]

[Velcro ripping sound]

-Oh -[murmuring, snickering]

You said we were all doing the full Monty.

[Svetlana]

Out.

- [knock at door]

- [Kev]

City of Chicago says all bars are closed until further notice.

- [pounding continues]

- [Veronica]

Go, go, go!

Hide in the back.

This is what we practiced.

We are absolutely complying with the mayor's very smart decision to close all bars and taverns.

- [Frank]

What the f*ck, Kev?

- Oh, my...

come on.

Hail, 'rona survivors!

What?

Where is everyone?

[Rock music]

[telephone rings]

It's our parent-teacher call, Kev.

Okay, be right there.

Okay, girls.

Breakfast of champions.

Have a good day at school.

- [Veronica]

Kev!

- Coming.

Hi, Mrs.

Cardenas.

How's it going?

Good morning, Kev.

I was just telling Veronica...

Amy is smart and Gemma's a dumbass.

- What?

- I didn't say it exactly like that, but... yes.

Gemma's been falling behind in her schoolwork.

There's schoolwork in kindergarten?

Gemma's been logging off the Zoom call right after I take attendance.

That's genius.

- Kev.

- That's wrong.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Is she watching a YouTube video?

Looks that way from here.

Children this age, most parents stay on the Zoom call with their kids.

The whole time?

That's, like, six hours of our day.

If you want Gemma to keep up with the other children, I suggest you participate in her education.

What work could they possibly have?

It's kindergarten.

- This is all my fault.

- What is?

Why Gemma's dumb.

It's my eggs.

I wasn't supposed to have kids in the first place.

[Soft music]

I think we should have our own kid.

Could we start right now?

[laughs]

[squeals]

[Kev]

Veronica...

I got minutes left on my break.

That should give us enough time to go three times, easy.

Just...

hey.

It's okay.

I'll do all the work.

- Maybe later.

- Oh, come on.

The best part about making a baby is you get to have sex while we're doing it.

I need to know the truth.

Can I have a damn baby or not?

You have a .

chance of not getting pregnant.

[Jazzy music]

[Carol]

So I'll just be carrying it, and you two take it from me when it comes out?

- Yes, Mom.

- 'Cause Lord knows I am too old to be raising an infant.

Not much in there.

We could've used an eyedropper.

Jeez, Kevin.

[Rock music]

[Kev]

Bottoms up.

[both]

Are you out of your f*cking mind?

Kev is just gonna lie down with you for procreation, not sex.

What is the difference?

It's clinical, so no one enjoys it.

Millions of sperm d*ed in that turkey baster.

Uh-uh, no.

Honey, this is an express bus to The Maury Povich Show.

What kind of hard liquor you got, and how much?

[Kev]

Okay, let's get this going.

- [Carol laughing]

- Knock it off, Mama.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

W-what's with the KKK costume?

I saw them use something like this at that super-Jewy wedding I went to last year.

It keeps the skin from touching, acts as a barrier.

[Carol]

I feel like a ghost prost*tute.

Why she didn't cut me a mouth hole.

How am I supposed to...

whoa!

Hello.

Looks like I got a visitor down there.

Can I take this off my face?

No!

No!

How many more times are we gonna have to do this?

Until we complete the mission.

You're Luke Skywalker, and it's up to you to sh**t one in and destroy the Death Star.

[Rock music]

N-n-no, not there.

No.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

You-you got a-a shoehorn or something?

Can you not talk, please?

Just don't say a word.

- Come on, you piece of sh*t!

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

- Mama, get on it.

- Mm.

[Kevin]

Oh!

Ah!

[sighs]

[Kev]

Oh, man.

Hold that thought.

Mom!

Jump in between us.

Hurry up.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

Ooh, yeah, that's it.

Ooh, bring it home.

Bring it home, baby.

Ooh!

[gasps]

Stop, stop.

- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

- [clicking]

- [music stops]

- Stop!

You people wanna have a baby?

Beautiful.

Find another way to do it.

I can't be working under these conditions.

All right, we'll call you.

- ♪ Jump, jump ♪

♪ Jump, jump for joy ♪

♪ Jump, jump ♪

- [gasping]

- Oh, flex.

Flex.

[gasps]

[both panting]

[urine splashing]

You gotta be sh1tting me.

Attention, people!

Kevin is gonna be a daddy!

[bar cheers]

Really?

Look at the stick, people!

Beware.

For the rest of the night, I am stirring cocktails with this stick.

[laughs]

You are doing amazing, honey.

- How would you know?

- Because you're making all the right sounds.

Remember that birthing video with the chick making all the buffalo noises?

You're totally making those noises.

Would you like to stand around here with us?

No, I'm good.

You don't wanna watch?

Oh, honey, I was over there earlier, and I saw some...

hardcore sh*t, like, horror movie sh*t.

- No, I'm gonna stay with you.

- [muffled groan]

Nnh!

I am so sorry I can't help.

I'm useless at this.

You know, Tommy says that in some cultures, men aren't even allowed near the birth, just a bunch of women in tents, which makes sense, because I would be so much more useful if I was out hunting moose or something.

Ooh, shut up.

Shut the f*ck up, Kevin.

- Please shut the f*ck up.

- Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The nurses just left them here like we know what the f*ck we're doing.

This is Amy, and that's Gemma.

Right, now, uh, tell me again.

Um, this one's Amy.

Uh...

I think so.

I mean, I know their names.

I'm just not percent yet on which one is which.

[Dramatic chords]

[bell dinging]

[buzzer]

This is not your fault, V.

Gemma is not dumb.

Mrs.

Cardenas has no idea what she's talking about.

[Operatic classical overture]

[Kev]

Is she drawing on her face?

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪

If Gemma were in real school, this wouldn't even be an issue.

How the hell is anybody supposed to learn anything on a damn iPad?

She doesn't even have to go to kindergarten.

It's not like it's a law or something.

Yeah, but I don't want her to fall behind.

Okay, fine.

You home-school Gemma.

You're a smarty-pants.

- [Jaunty music]

- _ Wait, so you're a nurse, Veronica?

- [Veronica]

Used to be.

- Lying bitch.

Fine... but I was offered a place in the nursing school.

Fine, but it never happened.

They fired her for selling medical supplies on eBay.

Holy crap.

I'm a ghetto nurse.

Better for folks around here to come to me than wait hours in the emergency room.

No, no!

Always elevate extremities.

Move before you give him a f*cking embolism.

The nose is the most commonly broken bone in boys between the ages of and .

Uh, that's-that's fascinating, but who's the old dude?

Eww, that's nasty.

Almost looks like shingles.

Scabies, maybe?

Been hiking in the woods lately?

Changing your diet?

Does your throat hurt?

- No.

- Stress rash.

- [Fiona]

V?

- [Veronica]

Making a video for one of those do-it-yourself websites online.

Pays bucks.

This one's on a high colonic.

Next week, I bleach my exit ramp.

What do you want?

Vicodin, morphine, peyote?

- Tetrodotoxin.

- These red ones.

Give me, uh, the horse tranquilizer, enough to knock out a Clydesdale.

This baby is coming.

- Now?

- She's crowning.

[Debbie screams]

All right, ambulance is on its way.

When I was having my girls, the doc told me to do three quick pants and then one long blow.

Okay?

- I'm gonna do it with you.

- Start pushing now, okay?

Push, push.

Push, baby.

Push, push, push.

Ooh.

[yelling]

Is the baby okay?

She's great.

She?

Frederick Douglass.

- Who?

- [Veronica]

Author, orator, escaped sl*ve.

The life expectancy

- for an average white man is .

- Exactly.

For a poor white man from the South Side, it's if you're lucky.

- Jesus was a blond?

- [Veronica]

No, Jesus was Black and had nappy hair, but no one ever wants to talk about that.

What does this have to do with pickles?

Pickles provide essential vitamins, minerals, and antioxidants, improve digestion and liver protection.

Your drug is like a jar of pickles, but better.

How do you know so much about pickles?

- How'd it go?

- You are a genius.

If this one pill had been around when my daddy was juggling two pills and three jobs, he would still be here...

to be a grandfather.

Don't cry.

Please don't cry.

I'm-I'm sorry.

So it's one pill instead of two, huh?

[Veronica]

What if you were to, say, misplace your scrip pad?

All right, ladies.

Saddle up.

We're going on a field trip.

[pharmacist]

Mifepristone.

You need an abortion.

Here's my copay.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to pay full price.

Medicare only covers abortion in cases of r*pe, incest, or when the mother's life is in danger.

I'm years old.

Having a baby'll probably k*ll me.

I was r*ped.

- Incest for me.

- Me too!

[woman]

r*pe again.

- [woman]

I was r*ped too.

- [woman]

Incest too.

Bullshit.

I'm not homeschooling her.

- You home-school her.

- f*ck that.

I got a bar to run.

[Veronica]

You run the bar?

I run the bar.

Alibi.

Alibi.

Alibi.

I gotta go to The Alibi.

Vamoose.

I gotta go to the bar.

Who wants a drink?

Come on, V.

Free pour it like Kev does.

That's why the bar's losing money.

Gonna take real money, Frank.

Kev's not here for you to confuse.

[drunk]

Uhh...

Drag him to the sober chair.

- Where is everybody?

- It's a.m.

Shut up, Billy.

Nobody asked you.

[Kev]

All right, you know what?

f*ck it.

I'll home-school Gemma.

How hard can it be?

"Learning is knowing a few tricks."

"For example, to learn the color spectrum, just remember ROY G.

BIV." "Which stands for red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet."

What the hell is indigo?

Purple.

I thought violet was purple.

I-I don't know.

PEMDAS, which stands for "parentheses, exponents, multiplication, division, addition, subtraction."

Yeah, this is way too hard.

Jaunty music - Are you calling me dumb?

- No.

Well, it sounds like you are.

Maybe I'm just too dumb to understand.

- I'm not calling you dumb.

- You applied it.

- "Implied." - I know.

It's not like I'm "unliterate."

Como se huh?

The Alibi Room.

I'm gonna buy it.

With what, your silver chains?

No, I'm gonna go to the loan store today and pick up some forms.

- You mean the bank?

- Yeah.

Well, does it start with an S?

What the f*ck?

Cat.

I know that sh*t, bitch.

That's a cat!

You learning sh*t off the TV again?

Just a little bit of this, honey.

Just a little bit of this.

[yells]

Son of a bitch, that's hot.

My super "spermazoa" too much for her?

Spermatozoa.

And what, now you're-you're the arbiter on where everybody's supposed to be?

Yeah, maybe, if I knew what "arbiter" meant.

GFY.

Eh, TGIF.

_ You realize that's not how you spell "come," right?

Diplomas are overrated.

I didn't get a diploma, and look at me.

[falsetto]

And don't be giving me no sh*t, Kev!

I do not sound like that.

- [pops balloons]

- Oh!

Takes two to tangle, you know.

It's "tango," and I've tried to f*ck you plenty of times.

They're not identical twins.

They're...

whatever it is when...

when you're not identical.

- Whee!

Whee!

- [giggling]

Separate individuals.

Too many damn countries in Asia.

They should just make it one country.

No, no, no.

Heatstroke.

Isn't that when the heat...

strokes you gently?

Kev, you misspelled "résumé" on your résumé.

[man screaming]

[blows]

It was benign, but the scare was very...

v...

sh*t.

What is the word again?

- Malignant.

- [Kev]

Malignant.

Do you remember what the doctor said?

They're inbred.

What if they try to eat us?

- I think that's cannibals.

- [Kev]

Well, whatever.

Why is it so much worse for her to take a tiny little pill that makes her "crazy" than it is for me to get my testicle lobbed off?

[nurse]

Your testicle will not be "lobbed off," sir.

Only your vas deferens tubes are blocked.

All right.

I think I went overboard with my background.

It's less cowboy and more hick.

Your wife is... a knockout.

Hell, she could be cousins with my wife.

Oh, that runs in the family, too.

Or hillbilly.

Bumpkin?

I have so much to learn.

We need a Jesus for the Festival of St. Felicity pageant next weekend, and Mr. Ball looks like he works out.

You want Kev to be Jesus?

Dramatic high note Maybe I will go suck a d*ck.

I could be all gender liquid like you.

You don't know.

You mean gender-fluid?

Fluids, liquids, whatever.

V, what the hell are we supposed to do again?

Make a face story on graham cr*cker?

What have we done, Kev?

We have increased our demand...

or our supply.

One of those two things, we've increased...

or decreased.

We can't keep going around in circles like the "our-oh-beris."

- [Veronica]

The what?

- The "our-oh-beris."

We keep going around in the same circle like the snake eating its own tail.

The ouroboros.

Yes.

I was saying it wrong.

Oh, that's such a badass word.

- Maybe we get a tutor.

- No money, V.

We need somebody that'll work for free.

[both]

Svetlana.

Too bad she isn't here right now.

Where's our throuple when we need it most?

V...

Eh, what the hell?

Uh...

what the?

I cook.

I clean.

Wifely duty.

- Are you kidding?

I'm not gay.

- Tongue is tongue, no?

What the hell?

I'm halfway home already.

Oh!

Holy f*ck.

Mother of God.

[moaning]

[Svetlana]

Consider it like rent check.

I go mop now.

[Kev]

First shower.

Anybody wanna wash my back?

[Upbeat music]

Don't use all the hot water!

- [Kev]

Girls...

- I'll do it.

[mutters]

[trainer]

Four, and lift...

Cover bar with baby?

It's okay.

I babysit.

[Kev]

Ah, Svet, thank...

[Kev]

I thought we were good in the sack, but she's like the Michael Jordan of erotic stimuli.

- It's done.

- What?

How?

- I'm good with numbers.

- Since when do we have

- a karaoke machine?

- Since half-hour ago.

We strip now.

Pimp, watch babies.

Your husband f*cked your mother to make babies.

You want to ride on high horse?

Family meeting tonight.

He will not be interested in baby girls until they reach at least ten years old.

Ready for a family meeting.

[Svetlana]

This is about family finances.

Sit.

- [heavy pounding]

- Oh, sh*t.

f*ck.

Immigration.

f*ck!

Don't forget your lines.

[insistent pounding continues]

[rock music]

Coming!

Morning.

Lester from USCIS.

- Oh.

- [Lester]

Immigration?

This is the home you and your ex share with your two children?

Yes.

Yes, it is, until she fell for that no-good commie slut.

You discovered your employee's being deported.

Moments later, your live-in partner of many years dumps you.

- Can you f*cking believe that sh*t?

- No.

- He didn't buy any of it?

- Not one word.

- And when is he coming back?

- Could be tomorrow, next week.

I'm gonna break my neck flying down those stairs like that again.

Maybe you should just stay down there.

So are we gonna have a f*ck schedule, or a f*ck calendar?

You see, like, Sunday will be V and Kev.

- You never hang up wet towels.

- [moaning]

You never refill the ice tray.

Monday will be V and Kev and Svetlana.

- [Kev]

Ohh...

- [Svetlana]

No, you cannot come yet.

[Veronica gasping]

- [Svetlana]

Now you may come.

- [groans]

[Kev]

Tuesday will just be V and Svetlana.

Am I gonna get my own night with Svetlana?

Oh, sh*t.

That's awesome.

Part of me wants to brag, but the other part's like, "Whoa, this is kind of freaky-deaky."

No other dudes.

No other dudes.

[gasps]

We know about Ivan.

- Ivan is husband.

- So you didn't f*ck your dad?

- Not since I left Russia.

- So what brings you here?

So, um...

me and my two wives are having trouble seeing eye to eye...

eyes to eyes.

I cook.

I give oral.

I protect from dangerous Russian.

Everything for these two.

[therapist]

Kev and V, are you hearing Lana?

-[Kev and V]

Yes.

- [therapist]

What is she saying?

She gives oral.

I always thought you were just some hand job whore.

[Svetlana]

Oh, that's okay.

I thought you were illiterate bartender pimp.

Paperwork says Svetlana Fisher owns the joint.

I am new owner of Alibi.

To being a family again.

Hoorah!

[Upbeat music]

Immigration!

Nobody move!

[overlapping shouting]

- What the hell is going on?

- That's her.

She's the leader.

[Dramatic folk music]

Yeah, no.

I'm never doing that again.

- [Rock music]

Here's your breakfast, girls.

And Amy, you have a new job.

You are gonna teach Gemma everything you know.

Isn't that exciting?

It's like a game.

You make Gemma as smart as you, you get a big prize at the end.

[Veronica]

And make sure that Gemma doesn't leave Zoom until school is over.

Okay?

Mommy and Daddy are gonna go to work..

[Jaunty music]

- You think it'll work?

- [Veronica]

Well, it's better her teaching home-school than us.

It's actually my fault, V.

- What is?

- [Kev]

Gemma.

I was a bad student, too.

Gemma got it from me.

I passed on my bad student gene to Gemma.

sh*t.

I hope I don't pass on my breast cancer gene, too.

- [Dance music]

- [whooping, whistling]

[man]

When's the last time you did a self-exam?

- [record scratch effect]

- A what?

You have a lump.

[Piano and drum music]

[oncologist]

There is a four-centimeter mass in your right breast.

We need to do a biopsy immediately.

[Randi]

Kevin, do you wanna share?

Uh, yeah.

Hello.

- Hello.

- Hi Glad to be here.

Tomorrow, I get this guy cut into.

And I got all these thoughts swimming around my head, like "Will I survive surgery?"

"Has the cancer spread?"

"Will I get to watch my kids grow up?"

"Will I ever be able to take my shirt off again in the gym or let men feel me up for tips?"

[group members]

Mm?

[Randi]

Would you be comfortable if we gave you a group hug?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

[group]

Together we stand.

Together we fight.

We do it with power.

We do it with might.

Cancer, you assh*le, get out of our sight.

Cancer, you assh*le, get out of our sight.

[quickening]

Cancer, you assh*le, get out of our sight.

Cancer, you assh*le, get out of our sight.

Go on, make a wish.

sh*t.

It's still there.

Kev, let's pray.

Mm.

God, please protect Kev during his surgery.

Let him wake up cancer-free, God.

And God, when I'm under, please, please don't let anyone probe me where they're not supposed to.

Kev...

No, I read about it in my cancer chat rooms.

[heart monitor beeping]

[starts]

V!

What happened?

Am I alive?

Baby, what happened?

[Veronica]

Okay, I'ma go get the nurse, okay?

What happened with my titty?

Did they take my nipple?

Oh, hey there, fella.

How are you doing?

- How do you feel, Mr. Ball?

- Does he have cancer?

I'll get the doctor.

I'm not qualified to discuss what needs to be discussed.

The f*ck is that supposed to mean?

I don't know.

It sounded bad.

It did sound bad, didn't it?

Baby...

I want you to set up a memorial for me at The Alibi.

Everyone drinks at the exact time I die every year.

And I want you to play Boyz II Men "End of the Road" really loud.

Sorry for the delay, folks.

I biopsied your lump, Mr.

Ball.

It's benign.

Why?

Why?

What?

What... is that good or bad?

I can never remember.

Oh, it's good, baby.

You don't have cancer.

I don't have cancer?

- Oh, thank you, Lord!

- Oh, thank God.

Not the brightest bulb.

Well, God doesn't give with both hands.

You have other great qualities.

Yeah, I do, don't I?

Like what?

You're a great dad.

Now, the players in the black and white...

They're the White Sox.

That's our team.

And the pussies in the gray and blue...

They're the Twins.

We hate the Twins.

- [baby fussing]

- No, no, no, no.

Not the baby girl twins.

[Kev on tape]

You're the best tennis players on the planet.

Gemma, you have the number one backhand smash

- in the world.

- [Veronica]

Kev...

I'm thinking the subliminal message thing is really working.

There is no Gemma.

Gemma doesn't exist anymore.

Only Amy.

And you're devout Catholics, so cross yourselves a lot like this.

[Rock music]

In my house, the way to get closer to God on Saturday is to play.

- Is that in Ezekiel?

- Yeah, the updated version.

- Holy f*ck.

- I'm ready for you, sir.

Clyde usually had me on Tuesdays, but if you want me on Saturday...

No, I don't want you on Saturdays.

- I don't want you ever...

- Hey, Deb, we're all ready to...

[laughing]

Whoa.

- [Liam]

Hey.

- Hey, what's up, man?

What are you doing?

Giving Santiago more of an American look before we go to The Alibi.

Final touch.

- How's he look?

- Like a cheesy American.

[crowd cheers]

Kid brought the heat.

- My God, he's got a cannon!

- This is gonna be the best summer ever.

[Amy and Gemma yipping]

Come on.

Come on, let's go.

- What are you doing?

- [Kev]

We're gonna go play fetch.

It worked for that dog walker lady.

Maybe it'll work for our kids.

Okay, girls, you ready?

You ready?

Go get it!

Go get it!

Bring it back.

Run fast.

Okay, drop it.

Drop it.

Drop it.

You have rocking bod, and you know how to stick the stones to me real good.

Well, I am a genius in that department.

[Veronica laughs]

Get naked...

now.

[Peppy music]

- [Veronica]

Yes!

Yes!

- Oh, sorry.

I came in the back way.

[Veronica]

You're not the only one.

[laughing]

- Debbie?

- No, stay focused, baby.

Are the Gallaghers in our bathroom?

- Don't know where you been - [Kev moaning]

Take off your clothes and get on the bed on all fours.

Now I will spank you with this paddle...

you bad wife.

French fry.

French fry.

Just a really quick French fry.

V, I don't really wanna hurt you,

- but this could scar you.

- It's not gonna scar.

Okay.

Okay, I can do this.

Now, brace yourself for my wrath, because it's paddle time.

[Funky music]

French fry.

Oh!

Oh, sorry.

- Ow.

- Yeah, take it, you old gimp.

Turn over.

Mama's gonna give you an exam.

Ah.

- [slap]

- That didn't hurt half as much as I thought it would.

You're a sharp businessman.

- Uh-oh.

- What uh-oh?

Sometimes your plans can be a little crazy-pants, Kev.

- [Lip]

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

- What?

We may need to sell some pot.

- Isn't that what we always do?

- A lot of pot.

- [groans]

- I know.

Baby, I know.

- I got carried away.

- Isn't it wonderful?

Mr.

Kevin is gonna help all the old people who are going blind.

What can I get you, champ?

Lemon-lime sh*t, chocolate chip cookie bar,

- and a Molson's.

- Molson's?

We sell American beer here to children of age.

Come back for a Bud Light when you're .

Two Buds and a spliff, please.

- How old are you?

- [child]

.

- Here's four fives.

Keep the change.

- Raise your arms.

Come back when you grow some hair in your pits.

Well, it's dorms, right?

I mean, they're our permanent ice cream truck.

I always wanted to go to college.

[party-goers cheering]

[upbeat rock music]

[all cheer]

I'm a gentleman, Lip.

I'm just escorting them home.

Our r*pe blocker to the rescue.

I'm here about the bartending job.

[Upbeat dance music]

[overlapping shouting, whooping]

[onlooker]

Oh!

Come on, Milo.

Push that .

There you go.

You gotta work off that Avocado Kombucha smoothie, or whatever the f*ck you drink.

Full rotations, man.

Do you want your name under "p*ssy of the Day"?

Is that what you want, Jasper?

Way to go, Oscar.

Puke is pride.

I wanna join.

Uh, you take Amex?

Cash only.

ATM is right there.

We could open up a dry cleaner.

- No.

- [Kev]

Mattress store.

- [Veronica]

Uh-uh.

- Think t*nk.

[Veronica]

What the hell is a think t*nk?

It's where people sit around and think.

[Veronica]

That's The Alibi.

Got some TVs fell off the back of a truck.

This where you sell stuff?

No, this is not the place that...

sells stolen goods as a side hustle.

That's a relic.

I'll give you five for it.

Pleasure doing business with you.

[Rock music]

Check it out!

Sister wives.

Whoo.

All right, stop.

You're gonna give me

- a big head.

- [laughs]

- What are we gonna do about Gemma?

- Well, at least we got one good one.

- Kev.

- I'm joking.

I love those girls the same, but I do feel better that Amy's probably gonna take care of us when we're older.

- Mm.

- [Amy and Gemma laugh]

Mama, how do I look?

- Amy?

- Gemma did my makeup.

What?

How?

Binge watching Huda Kattan YouTube videos.

What's a Huddacatan?

Is that what you've been doing instead of going to Zoom school?

Uh-huh.

[Jaunty music]

- God doesn't give with both hands.

- No, she doesn't.

There you go.

Wow.

I look great.

Thank you.

- My baby does a good job, huh?

- I'd say so.

[laughs]

That'll be $ , plus whatever tip you'd like to leave.

- Mm, here is $ .

- Thank you.

- See you again?

- [Kev]

Definitely.

- Pimping out your daughter?

- Hell no.

I don't objectify women.

You know me.

What the hell?

They made a list of the rapiest bars in the South Side, and The Alibi's number one?

I haven't r*ped anybody in here.

No one's ever r*ped anyone in here, at least not on the inside.

Out in the alleyway, maybe.

Who says we're rapey?

Some stupid article.

I mean, look around.

W-w-what- what's so rapey about this place, anyway?

♪ Do your thing, girl ♪

♪ What's your preference? ♪

- ♪ Man of your dreams or a death wish ♪

- ♪ Somebody to live on the edge with ♪

♪ Girl, I teach you oh so special ♪

- ♪ I get nasty, boys get raspy ♪

I don't know, V.

Maybe this place is

- a little rapey.

- [Veronica]

You think?

Craig has his d*ck out right now.

Craig!

I have two daughters.

What kind of father am I if I'm also the owner of the local rapery?

The bottom line is that the bar can't be rapey anymore.

If women stay away,

- bad for business.

- Plus rapey is wrong.

And-and more importantly, rapey is wrong.

[Cheerful music]

_ [Veronica]

You don't think someone could misinterpret that sign?

[Kev]

What?

How?

If you have a vag*na, you're safe.

vag*na safe zone.

There's no way we are still on that rapiest bar list.

We have all the signed sex consent forms.

We took down all the rapey posters and the bondage stuff.

You're the, uh, vag*na Safe guy?

Yes.

I'm Bill Doyle.

I own the Spread Eagle on nd.

Oh, yeah, I know the place.

Uh, deep-fried pickles, right?

I was number two on the rapey bar list.

Then you got off it, so now I'm number one.

You already got women coming in.

Wow.

How'd you turn it around?

I had to take an honest inventory about how The Alibi was contributing to the oppression of women and helped furthering the patriarchy.

[Bluesy music]

- [Bill]

Hey, how you doing?

- Hi.

- What can I get you?

- May I have a vodka cranberry, please?

[Bill]

Vodka cranberry coming right up.

[Kev]

Hey.

How you doing?

Would you like a little lime with that, or...

- Please.

- [Bill]

All right.

[quietly]

Four topless mermaids with nipples exposed.

Approximately pairs of panties hanging from the ceiling.

Centerfold pinup behind the bar with dart sticking out of her posterior area.

Man at end of bar visually undressing subject Veronica.

Subject Veronica going to bathroom as planned.

No one following her into the bathroom as of yet.

Hold on.

Man approaching subject's cocktail.

Man has slipped unknown pharmaceutical into subject's cocktail.

Assume a roofie.

Second man approaching subject cocktail, also dropping unknown pharmaceutical into drink.

Third man approaching with unknown pharmaceutical, and he has dropped unknown pharmaceutical into her drink.

[clears throat]

[mouths silently]

♪ To satisfy my soul ♪

[mouthing words]

I wanna hug all women, all of them, everywhere I see them, to apologize.

A random hug from a giant white stranger ain't gonna make us feel any more comfortable about men.

But we will capitalize on their strengths.

We got two good ones, babe.

[Kev]

Yeah, we do.

It's all my fault.

- What is?

- How great they are.

No, it's not your fault.

That's my fault.

- [Funky music]

- _ My baby daddy can take care of me!

And your baby, and your mama's baby.

Ooh-hoo, we a regular modern family, baby.

[both laughing]

[Kev]

Hey!

And I'm sorry, but I would never leave you, ever.

You gotta know that.

I'm putting a force field around us now.

- Babe.

- Taking care of what's mine.

Come here.

Get in my force field.

I'm really sorry I didn't f*ck you before, but...

I really, really wanna f*ck you now.

I borrowed Lip's school computer to get online, and I found that p*rn that we made, and then I jerked off to it.

That's so sweet.

[Heavy metal music]

That's what I'm talking about.

- Yeah!

- [Kev]

Aww.

[laughing]

You!

Oh, my gosh.

Ask me.

Veronica Fisher, will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Kev squeals]

Oh, sh*t!

That's cold!

What the hell?

Veronica!

There's no hot water.

f*cking Gallaghers.

No wonder those foster kids are messed up.

That's why they need a positive influence.

Where's my damn toaster?

Huh?

- You live here now?

- Toaster.

My cell's gone.

Help me look for my cell.

- It's gone.

- I gave Lip your cell so he could call around, see if anybody knew

- where Frank was.

- So now both my bills are being run up over there.

We need more time.

Can you stall him?

[car alarm blaring]

Chopped up some leftover chuck for a bolognaise ragout.

I hope everybody is good and hungry.

Hey, Kev, you got a Bears jersey I can borrow?

Borrow as in I get it right back, or borrow as in you plan to keep it forever and forget it isn't yours?

He wants me to come over to his place tonight.

Oh.

You should go.

I'll keep an eye on the kids.

I need the kid practice now.

- Yeah, times two.

- Oh.

[whispering]

What about her?

[Fiona]

You're not gonna get fired for letting us borrow an old lady, right?

- Or what?

- [Veronica]

Ah, sh*t.

Can you watch him for minutes?

Damn, Fi, you see I'm in the middle of doing my...

- [Fiona]

Thanks.

- Okay, sure.

Hey.

- Who the f*ck are you?

- Is this that missing kid?

[Fiona]

Debbie stole him, and now we have to figure out how to give him back without giving her months of juvie.

I'm not sure what's going on with her.

Oh, maybe it's 'cause your mom bailed and Frank's a big drunk.

Oh, what, I'm the assh*le now?

She's the one who stole a baby.

[Lip]

Kev, what time you going to work today?

Uh, I go in at : .

All right, you're going in early.

You should go in, tell them you saw a little boy in a Superman costume walking down Grand Avenue.

I was walking to work, and I saw this cute little kid wearing a Superman costume.

Cute little kid.

- A little kid in a Superman costume?

- Superman costume.

Sandy hair.

That's the little boy that's missing.

Where did you see him?

On Grand.

I just passed him, like, five minutes ago.

[sighs]

Well, we have to call that in, Kev.

Yes, we do.

Two virgin piña coladas.

Thank you, Kate.

I had no idea people I knew could die.

Honey, he was old.

Yeah, but that means my family is gonna die, too, and then I'll be all alone.

Debs, there are way too many things in life you gonna have to worry about.

Don't stress about this right now.

- What's wrong with me?

- What?

Ethel's got a boy into her, and she's already has a husband.

You're a guy.

Don't spare my feelings.

Are you sure you're sending strong enough signals?

- I've tried.

- Guys are pretty dumb.

Sometimes you have to put something shiny in a window

- to get them to the store.

- Thanks, Kevin.

So you gonna tell me what happened?

Why do you wanna know anyway?

'Cause you been running your ass around here like a Black Scarface, and I care about you, okay?

That stupid dumbass.

He seemed scared, Kev, made me swear

- that I wouldn't tell Fiona.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- That's why you're here.

- Well, we have to do something.

No, you want me to do something.

- I promised I wouldn't say anything.

- You know I can't keep secrets.

Exactly, so you'll tell Fiona.

God damn it, V.

- May I see some ID, please?

- What, are you kidding me?

Show me something.

I gotta cover my ass.

Thank you, Dwayne Foster.

What if we adopt Lip as our own?

Wouldn't that change everything?

I'll go chase the rats out of the cooler.

Hey, guys.

[Kev yelling, rats squeaking]

Dude, who the hell around here is gonna go to school if the one really smart guy quits?

Go to school and enjoy being smarter than everyone and become master of the universe.

- I mean, f*ck.

- Well, what if I don't wanna be

- master of the universe?

- [Kev]

Tough.

You gotta be one of those ridiculously rich successful dudes and put my kid through college someday.

No pressure.

Joking, right, about not going back to college?

- [Lip]

Serious.

I'm done.

- College is a racket, huh?

Well, guess what.

There's no one better at b*ating the system than you.

Hell, man, you got them to give you four f*cking years for free.

Why don't you get your damn diploma, spit in their faces, and have a f*cking future?

You know, I'm getting pretty damn tired

- of everybody telling...

- Stop making them have to.

Grow the f*ck up.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I told her.

Lip, you can't tell her that sh*t.

That's like waving the flag in front of the bull.

Well, hide the car keys, stop showering, and you tell her nothing, and whatever you do, do not...

Lip, do not let her bone you, because that oxytocin stuff makes them adhesive.

You got it?

[Upbeat rock music]

[Carl]

sh*t.

Jesus.

[Veronica]

She's fine.

Just passed out.

Sweet dreams, baby girl.

Well, she's all yours.

We gotta get back to the bar.

[laughing maniacally]

[Kev]

Holy Jesus.

Are you okay?

I can't tell if you're laughing or crying.

I'll help you out in here.

You'll help me out in here.

- You're on.

- I brought help.

[Tommy]

Everybody shovel all this broken tile out.

- Get it the hell out of here.

- [crowd cheering]

Oh, f*ck off!

Have you examined your breasts in the shower this morning, Fiona?

It's not just here.

It's here too, and under the arms here.

All right?

Last one.

If I had a dime for every time I heard you say that...

I'd have exactly one dime.

W-Wendy!

- Give me the phone!

- [Wendy]

Hello?

Hello?

You're not gonna slap me, are you?

[Debbie]

No.

Usually, after Veronica asks me to level with her, she slaps me.

My husband f*cked my mother to get pregnant.

Sorry we can't all have our baby the normal way!

Just remember, if you're gonna sit on my face, I have that sinus thing.

Okay?

I thought that's what you ladies wanted, is shared housework, wage equality, and all that Hunger Games Lady Gaga girl power sh*t.

Don't haggle with a woman who looks this fly in a power suit.

Let's get those b*tches tugging.

Here's to good old-fashioned American capitalism.

You can keep a man down, but you can never keep him from getting it up.

- Yes, sir!

Ow!

- [Kev]

Mm.

Boom, there it is.

Boom, there it is.

Toilets?

Toilets.

Kids drown in toilets all the time.

Close the lid.

You gotta be on it all the time.

I mean, what kind of person doesn't worry about this sh*t?

Fine.

I will go home and f*ck my husband.

Maybe with a little more enthusiasm?

I'm more like a refugee who sells weed.

Lots of noises in the ghetto.

a*t*matic g*nf*re, people begging for their lives...

I changed your diaper, so I know your little pudding pop ain't never been chocolate.

Four hundred years of oppression makes you Black, and if you keep up with this wigger bullshit, I'm gonna reverse George Zimmerman your ass.

They're a day old, but no mold.

I checked.

Praise Jesus.

I've been dealing with toddlers all day, talking ABCs, telling them what sounds a cow makes.

It's moo, m*therf*cker.

It's moo.

Is this really her aunt, or are we gonna find her f*cking her in our bed a week from now?

When I started dating Kev, I was like, "You're my man, I'm your girl, and if you're not happy with that, I'll k*ll you in your sleep."

It's true.

Too tired to jump up and down with me?

Yeah, but if it helps, this is my happy face now.

You're madder than a hornet in a Coke can.

"Well, slap my ass and call me Sally."

"Well, sit on my face and call me Bernard."

Look at you two.

You're like two friends from that old show...

Friends.

Nipple piercing.

It's small but meaningful.

I would legit not say hello to you if I saw you in public.

V!

V!

Holy sh*t.

You had sex with her, too.

V, that-that is...

really hot.

- My husband's a slut.

- V, that's a little harsh.

Kev, what the hell are you talking about?

- God damn it, V.

- Love you, Kev.

Marriage is a sacred institution.

- Did she go down on you?

- Yes!

- Did she do that thing with her tongue?

- [Veronica]

Yes.

Did you come a lot?

- Kev...

- [Kev]

Right.

You two just...

lick each other like cats all day while I'm gone.

The guy offered me $ , - for an hour with you.

- Mm.

He thinks I'm a whore?

- Of course.

- No.

It's just a misunderstanding, V.

That's all.

[Veronica]

Kev, can you come up for a sec?

V, look how hard I am for you.

[Alison]

You Kevin Ball?

- You a health inspector?

- Uh, no.

Jehovah's Witness?

- No.

- IRS?

- No.

- Then yes, I'm Kevin Ball.

Kev.

[snores]

Uh, what?

V?

V!

V, your mom's here.

V, don't start that sh*t.

- Kevin...

- V!

- Kevin Ball.

- V!

No, I'm done.

No more breastfeeding.

Kev, wake up.

V, we're doing it, baby.

[Veronica laughs]

V, we gotta talk.

Kevin?

Kevin?

Kevin?

Kevin!

Kevin Ball, get your ass down here.

What the f*ck, V?

Kev, please stop talking.

Snookums...

[Veronica]

Kev, come on.

We're gonna be late.

Kevin Ball, get your ass out here right now before I Lorena Bobbitt you myself.

Kev, no one needs to know about our sex life.

- [Kev]

Uh...

- Kev?

Kev?

Kevin?

- Kevin.

- [Kev]

Mm.

- V?

- Kev!

I'm coming.

- Kev!

- Shh.

- Come on.

- Let me have this.

- Kev?

- Yeah?

[Veronica]

Kev?

Kevin.

Hey, hey, hey.

[quietly]

V.

♪ La la la la la ♪

♪ Stupid in love ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la la la la la la ♪