07x03 - Giving Mike the Business

[bunniefuu]

CHUCK: Okay.

I got it.

Oh, no, no, no.

But is it safe with me?

What am I gonna do?

Make a big announcement?

Big announcement, everybody.

The rumor is true.

Arvo Industries just bought Ted's Tackle Box.

-(all groaning)

-That means we're next.

What's gonna keep them from buying us?

Okay, but calm down, Joe.

Hey, I have cats, okay?

They need sweaters.

They're hairless.

-You guys hear about Ted's?

-Yes!

How does Arvo have that much money?

They make linoleum and baby food.

You know, the peach is surprisingly tangy.

I...

Arvo is laying off 30% of Ted's staff.

-It's a bloodbath over there.

-(people groaning, sighing)

My friend works at Ted's.

He's got three cats.

He just invested in a claw tower.

-Hey, there's Mike.

Mike?

-(loud, overlapping chatter)

You know, and I was afraid I was gonna walk into a panic.

The entire kitchen staff is freaking out, and they all have knives.

Hey, where's Kyle?

He comes in with you.

He's been fired, hasn't he?

It's happening, people!

It's happening already!

All right, all right, calm down.

Nothing's happening.

Kyle took a personal day off.

Look, Arvo Industries can smash Ted's Tackle Box all they want.

They can't smash this store.

You understand that?

I'm not worried.

Don't be worried.

Come on!

Back to work.

(Kristin sighs)

Thanks, Dad.

We all needed to hear that.

Yeah.

I think we're screwed.

* You think we're screwed?

You just told everybody that things are gonna be okay.

Because I didn't want everybody freaking out.

That's what a good boss does.

Sometimes you have to tell people stuff they want to hear.

That's a nice jacket, by the way.

Oh.

Thank you.

Wait.

So, what's the plan, Baxter?

Arvo bought Ted's Tackle Box 'cause Ted refuses to grow.

I have a plan here to expand Outdoor Man so we can take advantage of the economies of scale.

Wow.

This looks great.

What are we waiting for?

Well, there's an obstacle-- old, grumpy and hates change.

Is it you?

Old and grumpy, but I like change.

Like, maybe eliminating your job.

How about that?

He's talking about Ed.

I want to expand five stores, you know, and upgrade them, turn them into marketing showcases.

So what's Ed's problem?

Well...

he is majority owner, right?

So for 30 years, I've had to always take him kicking and screaming towards change.

It's kind of, like, our little dance.

(chuckles)

I can't picture you dancing, Baxter.

What do you do?

Put your left foot in and shake it all about?

Floss?

-Does Ed know about Arvo?

-Probably not, 'cause he's fishing right now.

-Oh.

-Well, call him.

Uh, he's probably fishing up in his favorite spot at Idaho Springs.

There's no cell service on the river, so, if we want to talk to him, we'd have to drive up there, so...

-Not it!

-Not it.

-Oh.

Damn it.

I hate this game.

Listen, I was in Mandy and Kyle's room, and I was looking under the bed.

I found these.

Look.

"Aunt." (laughs softly)

"Uncle." And...

(giggling)

You know what this means, right?

Uh...

Kyle made shirts to keep track of who's who in the family?

No.

No, no.

These are for us.

No.

This is...

this is how they're announcing they're having a baby.

Hmm.

That's really clever.

That's how I know that's not what it is.

MANDY: We're back!

-Hide the loot.

-Yeah.

-Hey, hey, hey.

Hey.

Oh.

-What?

Hey, you guys.

Where'd you get that, Eve?

What T-shirts?

Mom snooped.

Kyle, I thought you were gonna hide these.

I did.

Under the bed, in a box marked "nothing in here." Look, honey, I am so happy for you.

(laughs)

-Oh!

-Oh.

Mom.

Mom, Mom.

I'm not pregnant.

Uh, Kyle jumped the g*n on the T-shirts.

Oh.

O-Okay.

All right.

Well, um, so-so maybe you're trying.

Like crazy.

-Ew!

-MANDY: Kyle!

Uh, sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

I meant...

we're mating.

Boundaries, Kyle.

I eat in here.

She is such a child.

People have sex.

-Hey, Mrs.

B?

-Mm?

How long should it take?

Oh, uh, well, it's different for everybody.

I mean, there's no set time.

-It's already been, like, three months.

-Mm.

I'm starting to be a little concerned it might have something to do with my vasectomy.

You, uh...

you...

you had-had a vasectomy?

-Yeah, you want to see the scar?

-Uh, no.

No.

-Oh, no.

It's pretty awesome.

-No, no.

I...

-It takes up, like, half my belly.

-No, I...

but...

Your belly?

What?

No.

Oh, Kyle.

Kyle.

(sighs)

That's a scar from an appendectomy.

I always do that.

I hate operations that rhyme.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, obviously, I'm entitled to a large compensation if I'm laid off.

More if I have dependents, right?

My cats.

It's my lawyer.

I'm just gonna be a minute.

No, I am not gonna sue Mike Baxter 'cause the man is a prince.

All right?

Good day to you, sir.

-Lawyers.

Hate 'em.

-Yeah.

How long you been waiting out here for me to walk out?

About an hour.

Do you feel it was worth it?

Probably not.

Mikey.

We need to talk.

Damn right we do.

Um...

-I know about Ted's Tackle Box.

-Great.

-Great.

So you know we need to do something.

-Yeah.

At our size, Outdoor Man is like a hot dog, and Arvo Industries is like Joey Chestnut.

Is that the kid who eats all those hot dogs?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Dips them in water first?

-Right.

-Why isn't that cheating?

I don't know.

He probably does that so he can get more...

-You know, I think we're off track here.

-Yeah.

-Sit down for a second, Ed.

-Sure.

-I got to ask you a question.

-Okay.

(clears throat)

Did you read this proposal I wrote up for you?

-Yes.

Yes, yes.

-You read all 60 pages of it?

-Yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

-That's interesting-- there's only 30 pages in there.

I read it twice.

Y-You've said this before.

I don't see why you need me to analyze every single pie chart.

Yeah, I do, because we're partners, you know, like-like Ben and Jerry, if Ben did all the work and Jerry fished all the time.

You do a lot of work, but do you ever ask me what I'm working on?

-Of course I do.

-Hmm?

I often walk into your office, look at you and go, "What are you doing?" -Look, your premise is right.

-Good.

If we don't do something, we'll get swallowed up, but why is that a bad idea?

What do you mean?

I've just returned from a private lodge on a beautiful lake in Wyoming.

Trout the size of your arm.

Guess who invited me.

-Wild guess?

-Hmm.

Arvo Industries, or some wacky billionaire hunting you for sport.

They want to buy Outdoor Man, Mikey.

(clears throat)

And you said no.

Well, you said it yourself-- they're Joey Chestnut, we're the soggy dog.

We have to sell, Mikey.

No, no, no, We do not have to sell.

Ed?

Ed.

Ed, hold on a second.

Ed.

What the hell, man?

You-you sent me to Idaho Springs.

Yeah.

(chuckles)

Turn-Turns out...

-he was actually in Wyoming.

-Uh-huh.

Ah.

You know what is on that river?

A lot of old, bald white guys.

And they can run.

(sighs)

(on TV): Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man.

I'm sitting here, thinking about my least favorite phrases.

Top of my list: "Good government." Actually, a hilarious oxymoron.

But today, it's this nugget a boss drops right before he becomes your former boss.

"It's not personal.

It's business." Well, I promise you, it's personal to the dude losing his job.

I guarantee he'd rather you hated him personally but he get to keep his job, instead of hearing, (chuckling): "Gary, you're a swell guy.

"Now pack your crap and b*at it.

"That job you poured your heart and soul into-- "we've given it to a robot.

"And you know what we don't have to give the robot?

"Money.

But don't take it personally.

"After you train your replacement "in China how to run this lathe, you're out on your ass.

"But don't take it personally.

"The money your family relies on for food and clothes-- "we're gonna spread that around India.

But don't take it personally." Well, here at this American business, it's about the workers.

We're not breaking faith with those workers who built it.

Yes, it's about workers.

I said "workers" three or four times.

Now, before you go raising the hammer and sickle and saying, "What, are you channeling Bernie Sanders?," I promise I'm willing to pass or fail in the free market system, but my coworkers are my family.

It's called "Outdoor Man," not "Outdoor Spreadsheet" or "Outdoor Revenue." Great outdoor goods made by people, sold by people to people.

However, if your Labrador can operate it safely, I'll sell him a crossbow.

Great job, Mike.

They're gonna love it.

It's not for them.

It's for you.

Follow me.

-(knocking)

-Hey, honey.

-Hey, Mom.

-Hey.

Ooh, busy, busy, busy.

(laughs)

Yeah.

I, um, was talking to Kyle earlier.

God, he seems pretty excited about starting a family.

Yeah, Kyle's really eager to be a dad.

He's already been online looking at pediatricians.

Well, that is important.

Mostly, he wants one with a bow tie.

(Vanessa laughs)

Well, I just think it's great that you want to have a baby.

Sure.

S-Sure?

No, I didn't mean "sure" as in "kind of." I meant "sure" as in...

"Yay, baby." And I mean, "I'm not buying it" as in "I'm not buying it." I'm just worried this isn't the right time.

I'm-I'm putting a lot of work into my business.

Kyle just started his new job.

And, like, no pediatricians still wear bow ties.

(sighs)

All right.

Wait, wait, wait.

Listen, listen, listen.

Listen.

As much as I can't wait to be a grandma again, you waiting until you're ready is more important.

Look, your-your life changes big-time when you become a mom.

Beautifully.

But big-time.

What if I'm not as good at it as you?

Oh, stop, stop.

Come on, you will be.

You will be, but when you are ready.

Wait.

If you feel that way, then why are you trying?

I'm sort of not.

I mean, I know the best times to try, and I've been avoiding them.

Well, is that fair to Kyle?

No, it's okay.

We...

(laughing): We more than make up -for it other times.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Um, honey, it's okay if you feel that way, but-but, really, you need to tell your husband.

Do I?

Mandy.

It's not like I'm lying to him.

I'm just not telling him the truth.

Mandy.

Fine.

Fine.

I'll stop lying.

-Mandy.

-Fine.

I just want to show you something that I forgot to put in that proposal that you didn't read.

Now, listen, I'm sure you don't know who that is.

ED: Uh, that's Connor from Fishing Gear.

Yeah, well, his wife, she, uh, his wife, um...

Liz.

Liz.

They just had a kid, remember?

Of course they did.

Beautiful little girl.

That's not exactly what I want to show you, though.

-Yeah.

-What I want to show you is...

-Mm-hmm.

-...over there.

-That-that woman there.

She, um..

-ED: Yeah.

Leslie.

We just went to her housewarming party last month.

-I gave her a toaster.

-Right.

Richest guy in the room gave her a toaster.

Okay.

All right.

(chuckles)

I get where you're going with this, Mike.

-Uh, think so?

-Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

They're not just, uh, numbers on a spreadsheet, they're people, hmm?

They're-they're our people, right?

And if we sell, our people will be taken care of.

But for how long?

I mean, I think Connor wants to keep that kid for a while.

Same with Leslie and her house.

Despite the toaster fire.

But if Arvo buys Outdoor Man, they're still gonna need our people.

Yeah?

Why don't you tell that to all the people just laid off from Ted's Tackle Box?

Yeah, well...

you're right, Mike.

I can't throw these people to the wolves.

So we're not gonna sell.

Won't sell.

Now it's time we took a look at my proposal.

Actually, I have a proposal of my own: I'm gonna retire.

-(chuckles)

-Yeah.

From what?

It's time you took the reins, Mike.

Yes, you said yourself, you don't need me anymore.

Come on.

You know, this...

this is why I hate doing the hokeypokey.

VANESSA: Wow.

So Ed just quit?

That's what he said.

Well, I'm sure that's hard for him, but, you know, he knows what's best for himself.

Really?

Three marriages, no prenups?

And I'm supposed to trust his judgment?

Well, I don't know, maybe he just feels like it's time to try something else.

Trust me, within a week, he'll be going crazy without me being around to bust his balls.

Will he?

What'd you mean by that?

Look, Mike, I...

-You like to kid around a lot.

-Mm-hmm.

A-And I know you're just trying to be funny with people.

Trying to be funny?

A lot of people use my jokes.

I've heard them.

Well, I'm just saying that some people-- I mean, not me or the kids or, you know, that waiter from last night-- -(chuckles)

-but some people might think you were saying what you actually felt.

That's ridiculous.

What kind of moron would think that?

So maybe you give Ed the impression that he's not that important to you anymore.

-I don't do that.

-All right, well, what did you say to him when he came back from the fishing trip?

I said something nice.

I compared us to Ben and Jerry.

A cat and mouse?

That would be Tom and Jerry.

(laughing): Oh.

Oh, right, yeah.

Well, look, if-if you want Ed to stay, then maybe you should tell him how important he is to you.

Perfect.

Give us something to talk about while we're spooning.

(gasps)

Kyle.

There you are.

What's wrong?

(exhales)

Bad day.

I know something that'll cheer you up.

A kiss from your turtle.

Turtle kiss.

(laughs)

There's my happy hubby.

Yeah, well, it's hard to be sad when you're a turtle.

You know, honey, if...

if you're still worried because we haven't been able to get pregnant yet, I think I can make you feel better.

No.

You can't.

I went to the doctor.

You're not still worried about the vasectomy, are you?

I told you that is a kidney thing.

No, I already had the appointment.

But while I was there, I...

had my sperm counted.

They can do that?

It seems like they'd be hard to catch.

Yeah, I-I don't know how they do it.

But they did.

And mine is low.

Sorry I let you down.

Oh, honey, you-you didn't.

Look, the truth is...

I'm not sure I want to have a baby yet.

You don't?

No.

So maybe it's a good thing we have to wait.

(sighs)

Wow.

How lucky am I?

You love me so much, you'd make up this lie just to make me feel better.

No, no.

I'm not lying.

I have serious doubts this is the right time.

How do you get dressed in the morning with those angel wings?

Kyle, listen to me, I am telling the truth.

Then I'm gonna tell you the truth.

I hate you.

-I'm doing your lying thing, -Oh.

-You got that, right?

-Yeah.

You're just not gonna believe me, are you?

No.

But I appreciate it.

And we still have hope.

The-the doctor suggested things to help boost my numbers.

-Like what?

-Well...

I have to start wearing boxer shorts.

And eating superfoods.

Oh, and...

I might have to give up the unicycle.

MIKE: Ed.

What are you doing?

Packing up, Mikey.

Oh, yes, and I'm leaving you my-my copy of Laughs for the Lavatory.

From what I understand, it's in poor taste now.

Put that stuff back.

You're not gonna want to leave after you see this.

-The hell is that?

-It's the first commercial we ever did together on, literally, the last VCR in America.

Come on.

Oh, man.

* Hello, I'm Mike Baxter.

Hey, actually that's my line.

(chuckles)

That's right.

And this is my line.

And my hook and sinker.

Mm-hmm.

That's right.

This is wh...

this is the Bull Taylor -rod and reel.

-Mm-hmm.

Yup.

Available exclusively at...

BOTH (echoing): Outdoor Man.

-Mm-hmm.

-You don't have to be in Miami -to enjoy this vice.

-Ooh.

Ah.

(chuckles)

If you don't get it here, you don't get it.

-Get it?

(chuckles)

-Get it.

We were idiots.

All right, what's the point?

The-the point is look at those two idiots.

They're having a great time.

Yeah, we were a good team, huh?

What do you mean?

We're still a good team.

Outdoor Man works because we work.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

The only thing in my life that ever did.

Okay, look, if I've ever made fun of you in a joke or two...

dozen, -I-I'm sorry.

-Yeah, I see, I see what you're saying-- so you think I'm a crybaby because I can't take a joke, huh?

Please.

I sat in the front row at a Rickles show.

Okay, so what is it?

-It's time, Mike.

-For what?

That's all.

Here.

It-It's time.

Come on, I've worked my ass off my whole life.

I-I didn't stay in this kind of shape so I could sit behind my desk for-for another 30 years.

I-I want to enjoy the time I've got left, that's all.

(chuckles)

Well, if you last another 30 years, you won't be enjoying it, I'll tell you that.

Listen, wh-why are you making this so hard?

Wh-Why don't you let me leave?

We-Well, we, you know, we got to, um...

We, you know, there...

We have the...

Let me...

All right, um, let me help you here, okay?

You've lost a lot lately.

Haven't you?

Hmm?

You know, Mike.

Your girls are growing up.

Your father passed away.

And now you don't want to lose your best friend.

I'm gonna miss you, man.

Okay.

I'll miss you, too.

Yeah.

Here.

I don't have a VCR.

-CHUCK: There he is!

-(applause)

-The man who saved our jobs.

-All right, all right.

When you do right, we got to give it up.

And, look, my cats are smiling, and not just 'cause -they k*lled a lizard.

Check that out.

-Oh.

Well, this, uh, new era is gonna be great for all of us.

But we'll all have to do some more work.

-How's that, now?

-Hmm?

Well, I want all the stores to be up to Denver standards.

All department heads-- we're gonna need proposals, budgets, training manuals.

That sounds like a lot of work.

(laughs)

You clearly just said "some" more work.

Well, this is a big job.

That means extra work.

That means late nights.

Weekends.

Oh, during football season.

(laughs): Oh, man.

I'm all for expansion, Baxter, but we don't have to take over the whole damn world.

Well, a lot of people at Ted's Tackle Box are looking for work right about now.

Look, I can't do it all, everybody.

Come on, let's get to work.

Come on, let's do it.

(chicken clucking)