07x11 - Common Ground

[bunniefuu]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that the banner

Mom put up for me when I came home?

Yes, it is.

Can you see where we changed it?

No.

It's a marvel of engineering.

God bless America.

So, did the Academy hassle you
for taking a couple days off?

No. I told my C.O. that
Mom was having another kid,

so if anyone asks, Jen is
a newborn, and Dad is Asian.

I can't believe Dad agreed

to let a foreign exchange
student live here.

He hates guests.

No, he doesn't. He loves them.

Every time I talk about
eventually moving out,

he always says he's "counting the days."

All right, let's go.

I just got a text from
your mom. She's on her way.

Not real good with the
emojis, unless she's actually

bringing a unicorn, an
eggplant and three little turds.

Hey, are you gonna be able to
get through the next six months

with a stranger living in this house?

Yeah, it's like a horror
movie... It Came from Abroad.

Relax. I'm gonna be fine.

Those two girls'll be
talking to each other.

That means I don't have to
talk to either one of them.

No, I-I think you two
are gonna get super close,

and you're gonna be
heartbroken when she's gone.

Just like me, right, Mr. B?

Yeah. Counting the days, Kyle.

- Oh. Hey, babe.
- Guess who I have with me?

- (Laughing): Hey. Hi.
- I hope it's Jen. We made a sign.

Hello, everyone.

- Hi, Jen. It's good to see you again.
- Mike: Hi, Jen.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.

Hong Kong is British, right?

Morning, Jen.

- Good morning, Mr. Baxter.
- (Laughs)

(Groans)

Wow, the coffee looks a lot like tea.

I'm sorry. I couldn't find a kettle.

Yeah, I hide the kettle
so no one will make tea.

You're up early.

The early bird. That's an expression.

I know. It means I get to eat the worm.

I've learned a lot of
American expressions.

Don't count your chickens,
a bird in the hand,

all your eggs in one basket.

You people learn a lot
of lessons from birds.

You should see us flip
them while we're in traffic.

So, you got the paper.

Yes, reading the paper
helps me with my English.

Good.

If I see a word I want
to use more, I circle it.

Hey. Oh, look at that.

You circled "boundaries."
Have you looked that up?

(Stammers)

All right. Let's see
what's in the news today.

The stock market's up, voters
in Ohio approved a new racetrack,

and one of the bachelorettes
is back in rehab.

Saved me a little bit
of time, didn't you?

If you'd just finish
the crossword puzzle,

I won't have anything to...
Look it. You've done that.

You finished the crossword puzzle.

Oh, no. I'm upsetting your routine.

I hope you don't also do the Sudoku.

Not today.

Morning.

Vanessa! Yay!

Oh, hi.

(Laughing): Okay.

Oh, my goodness, so, you're
also a morning person.

My, it's a small world.

And a small kitchen.

Hey, the mail came.

It came yesterday, too, Kyle.

That's what mail does.

You know, Mr. Alzate sent away

to this company to
find out his ancestry.

Hey, wouldn't it be cool if in
a previous life he was Cleopatra?

That's not how it works.

And-and he already knows
who his ancestors are.

He tells me twice a
day that they're from

(Imitating Ed): "the great
Basque region of Spain."

Hey, Kyle. Kyle, did it come?

Uh, let's see. Mr. B, Mr. B. Nah.

It doesn't look like it's here,
Mr. Alzate. Uh, maybe tomorrow.

Oh, damn it.

You know who has the best mail service?

The great Basque region of Spain.

Isn't that where your
people are from, Ed?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, and
another little-known fact...

the Basque invented soup.

Oddly enough, a bisque.

Hey, uh, why is it so important
for you to get this report

if you already know what it's gonna say?

Because I want to be certain.

You don't know who you truly are

unless you know where you come from.

- Yeah, he's right.
- (Chuckles)

For years, I thought my
father was an arsonist.

Mm-hmm.

And then, my mom explained to me
that he was actually a bigamist.

- Talk about relief.
- (Laughs)

Hey, hey. Hey, look here.

On this website, they have an example

of one of their DNA reports.

You know, with a little photoshopping,

we could get this to
say whatever we want

about where Ed comes from.

Why would we do that?

Well, it'd be fun to see Ed find out

he isn't as Basque as he thinks he is.

Mike: This is great.

Broncos on TV, you and I

drinking, cursing, no women around.

Want me to pull your
finger for old times' sake?

Only if we're trailing
in the fourth quarter.

Ah, it's always so nice to see
you guys having fun together.

We're not having fun.

Sitting here on this couch together

guarantees a Broncos victory.

Well, I thought it'd
be nice if you asked Jen

to watch the game with you.

I was, I was just about to.

Are you sure? I don't really know much

about American football.

Well, that's just about to change.

Uh, sit down.

Careful where you sit.
He's superstitious.

I'm not that superstitious. Sit down.

- Okay.
- Uh, no, no. Don't, don't, don't.

All right, well, I am off to
teach osmosis to a fifth grader.

I just hope he absorbs it.

Ah! That wasn't a bad pun.

That was pretty funny, actually.

Uh, no. No, that wasn't a pun.

He's not smart.

Okay, still first quarter.

We're playing the Chargers.

White helmet with the
little lightning bolt.

We don't like them.

All right, you got any
questions, just fire 'em out.

Let's watch a little, huh?

Why do they wear their face masks?

Is that so they don't bite each other?

I...

I-I don't know.

They use their hands much
more than they use their feet.

Why isn't it called handball?

Uh, I-I don't know.

Punt.

Okay, go, go, go, go.

(Grunts softly)

- Fair catch.
- Fair catch.

Mr. Baxter, does it help your team

when you wear their blouses?

They're actually...
they're called jerseys.

You know what? We should
just watch the game

and then, ask the questions at
the end or something like that.

Oh, there's a commercial.
I got a ball in the yard.

- You want to go kick it around?
- No, no, no, no!

- Yes!
- If you leave,

you take the mojo with ya.

Sorry, Dad. Got to be a good host.

Well, I hope we're not
trailing in the fourth quarter.

I can't pull my own finger.

Mike, can we talk?

Or you still not over
your little disappointment?

Listen, a little disappointment
would be the doctor saying,

- "You're going to have another girl."
- Oh.

This is a big thing.

The Broncos lost.

So how is that my fault?

Because you made Jen
watch the game with us.

Then she and Eve took off,

went outside, took the mojo with them.

The Broncos end up losing the game.

- It's science.
- Oh.

Well, I'm sorry.

I just want you two to get along.

- Why is that so important?
- (Sighs)

Because, honey, Jen is
gonna be here for six months.

I want her to feel
like this is her home,

and-and not feel like

she's got to tiptoe around
the master of the house.

"Master of the house."

How come we don't use
that term more often?

Come on. This is supposed to
be a great experience for her.

I'm not asking you
to be her best friend.

- You just have to be nice.
- Go with me on this.

How about if I'm absent?

'Cause if you think about
it, that would be nice.

You're going to find something
you two have in common,

and you're gonna bond.

I'm a middle-aged man from Colorado.

She's a teenager from Hong Kong.

The only thing on that
Venn diagram are egg rolls.

(Scoffs) Well, keep-keep
trying things, okay?

Why-why don't you take
Jen to Outdoor Man?

It's everything you love under one roof.

Your solution to not getting
along with her at home

is take her to work with me?

He hasn't come out yet?

You gave him that fake
report, like, two hours ago.

Yeah. I don't know.

I still don't know if we should
be messing with a person's DNA.

You know, we're not scientists.

It's just a joke, Kyle.

It still says he's Basque.

I just added a little
French, a little Russian...

and a whole lot of black.

(Both laugh quietly)

ED: Chuck! Chuck, get in here!

Wait. Did he sound mad to you?

Really mad, but the Russians
are a hot-tempered people.

Hey, Ed.

My brother!

Oh. Uh, what's happening?

I have great, great news.

I want to share it
with one of my people.

Chuck, I'm black.

Wow. Ed, that DNA report...

Has changed my life.

Look at this.

I'm and a half percent West African.

- Uh-huh.
- All right?

My people were traced
to what is now Nigeria.

Ah.

Uh, uh, where are your
people from, Chuck?

St. Louis. Ed,

don't you find it a little hard
to believe that you're black?

No, no, th-this answers everything. No.

See, my-my father always seemed
like he was keeping a secret,

but now that I know what it
was, I finally feel close to him.

This... this is a blessing.

Oh, God.

Hey, Kyle? Kyle?

Kyle, would you...? Uh, oh! Okay.

- Just stay close, Kyle. Come on.
- Yes, sir.

Ed just found out he's black,

and his whole childhood
suddenly makes sense.

- Mr. Alzate's black?
- Yeah.

That doesn't seem possible.

For too long the white man has tried

to tell us what's
possible. Right, Chuck?

Yeah, man.

It's really held you back.

Listen, I-I-I got
to get back to work.

No, no, no, no, just-just... (Chuckles)

You're sticking close to me. No, no.

You have to enlighten me on
everything about our culture.

- Our culture?
- Yeah, sit down. How we eat.

- Oh.
- How we dance, how we love.

Uh, I am not showing
you how we love, Ed.

We'll start with our history, all right?

Kyle, go find us a copy of Roots.

Roots.

That's nine and a half hours!

Oh, we've been through
worse, my brother!

We got hunting, fishing,
rock climbing over here.

It's ski season now, so got ski masks.

Very popular with the bank robbers.

Oh, dear.

I'm kidding.

It's a joke.

But you do have a lot of
crime in America, right?

We're number one.

Um... hey, hey, like boats?

We'll go see the boats.
They're, uh, beautiful.

It's a whole area, um...

What am I saying? You're from Hong Kong.

You're a huge seaport.

You're, like, lousy with boats.

Yes, but I still get
excited seeing new ones.

I think you're just
being polite with me.

No, not at all.

That would be the polite thing to say.

Uh, let's take a different tack.

What are your interests?
We have a huge store.

There's got to be something
in here that'd be cool for you.

I really like origami.

We don't have that.

Oh, hey, Kris, come here a minute.

- Hi.
- Jen, I'd like you to meet Kristin,

my eldest daughter.

She runs the restaurant here.

Jen, finally.

Mom won't stop talking about you.

I mean, she loves talking in general,

but she really loves talking about you.

(Chuckles) How, uh, how's
my old room treating you?

Oh, that's your room? It's awesome.

Good, good. Later, I'll, uh, show you

the best way to... (Quietly):
sneak out the window.

- (Chuckling)
- After that,

you can introduce her to your son Boyd,

the result of sneaking out the window.

He's kidding. It...

It's funny 'cause it's true.

(Chuckles)

It is so cool you manage this place.

My auntie runs a noodle
shop in Hong Kong.

I practically grew up there.

Oh, well, the lunch rush is almost over.

Do you want to tour the kitchen?

Yes, that would be awesome.

Mr. Baxter, may I please
be excused to join Kristin?

Sure, I think you and
I have had enough fun.

Oh, that was another joke.

(Forced laugh)

Uh, do you want something to eat first?

We have coconut shrimp in the buffet.

- I love coconut shrimp.
- (Chuckles)

- (Squeals)
- (Laughs)

- I hate coconut shrimp.
- Oh,

I know that look.

It's the same one you had

when Mom told you to
try and bond with Ryan.

This is unbelievable.

She gets along with
every human she runs into.

But she can't get over
being polite to me.

Well, you just have to find
something to do with her

that makes her so comfortable

she forgets that you
make her uncomfortable.

What time do you want her back?

I'm thinking, um...

June.

And then you fold that corner to there

and that triangle to there

and...

origami.

Boop.

More like bore-igami.

I can't believe they k*lled
a tree for this stuff.

Hey, you want to learn origami or not?

Oh, God, no, I do not want to.
I'm doing this for your mom.

I'm just doing this so that
Jen will feel more at home here.

It'd be easier to get rid of your mom.

- Ah.
- What?

I just think it's funny that
you think sharing an interest

with her is the key to getting along.

I feel at home here,

and you're not interested
in anything I care about.

I care about a lot of
stuff you're interested in.

Why didn't you come to
my first beauty pageant?

You-you were in a beauty pageant?

Yeah, second place.

Completely rigged.

Look, it doesn't matter
if you're interested.

We love hanging out with each other.

That's 'cause I'm your dad,

and, by law, I'm required to do that.

And I have grown to appreciate
your hurtful sense of humor.

Because I think you know that mockery

is the sincerest form of flattery.

No.

You're just not comfortable when
you have to be nice to people.

Maybe that's your problem with Jen.

I think you might have just nailed it.

Thank you.

Hey, wait, is that more
of your hurtful humor?

ED: Okay, now,

- so, we've covered soul food.
- Uh-huh.

- And soul music, right?
- Mm.

All right. Okay.

Tell me about this-this Soul Train.

(Sighs)

Okay, y-you don't need to
know all this stuff, Ed.

There's not going to be a test.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Please, explain something.

Explain Arsenio.

- (Groans)
- See, I-I just...

- I-I never got him.
- Okay.

All right, I can't do this anymore.

I faked the DNA results.

This whole thing was
supposed to be a joke.

- Excuse me?
- (Scoffs)

You were driving us crazy

with your constant
bragging about being Basque,

and I-I just wanted
to have a little fun.

A little fun?

With a man's ancestry?

With my unresolved father issues?

I-In my defense,

I thought you'd see right through it.

You know, my uncle got his
ear chewed off by a billy goat.

Maybe there's a laugh in that! Huh?

- I'm...
- (Knocking)

Hey.

Hey, guys. Uh, I'm headed home.

I just wanted to see
how everybody's doing.

The world's turned upside down, Kyle.

Turns out I'm not black.

I am shocked...

that somebody would mess with your DNA.

We're not scientists.

You knew.

(Sighs)

Look, I'm-I'm sorry, Mr. Alzate.

I wanted to tell you,
but you kept saying

you were done listening to the Man.

I'm sorry, too, Ed.

And if it makes you feel any better,

it's not easy being
a black man in Denver.

Or anywhere.

Well, then I guess...

I'm back to being Basque.

Hey, being Basque is great, sir.

- Yeah.
- The-the history, the traditions,

the soup.

Well, that's-that's true, yeah.

There's one more good
thing about being Basque.

- Chuck: Mm.
- Yes. (Clears throat)

We can't be fooled.

Uh-oh...

Yeah. Turns out,

Beverly gave me the real test results

before you "found" my report.

Yeah.

I'm % Basque.

And % too smart for you idiots.

(Chuck laughs)

You made me watch Madea Goes to Jail!

(Laughing)

Not cool.

(All laugh)

That's a good one, Ed.

Come on, Kyle.

Kyle, Kyle. (Laughs): Just a minute.

There's just one more thing
I-I found in that report.

(Chuckles) I'm seven percent Norwegian.

Hey, I'm Norwegian.

Yes, I know, I know. (Chuckles)

Come sit down, my little brother.

All right, now,

Chuck, uh, Chuck, go
find us a copy of Frozen.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, yes, but I-I don't have to be.

No, no, no, you're-you're
fine where you are.

Listen, um, do me a favor
and cut the TV off, okay?

Thanks.

Listen, um...

do you think I'm a nice guy?

Of course, Mr. Baxter.

I'm not.

I'm really...

sometimes quite a jerk.

I don't know how to respond to that.

I'm looking for things
that we have in common

so that we're comfortable
around each other.

Well, that doesn't seem right.

My father and I get along great,

and we don't have anything in common.

Except that we both think I'm adorable.

(Chuckles) That's the
kind of stuff you...

you shouldn't actually say out loud.

So I think you should
say more stuff like that.

But wouldn't that be rude?

(Sighs)

Would you rather be
polite and uncomfortable

or rude and comfortable?

Can't you be polite and comfortable?

Eh...

Being polite so often
requires you to just care

about what other people are
doing and what they're feeling.

Being comfortable, sometimes...

you just do what you want

and other people just deal with it.

(Chuckles)

- I think I get it.
- Yeah?

So, if I wanted to be comfortable,

I would say...

football sucks, soccer rules,

and I do all my shopping online.

Sure.

Origami's boring,

and playing football
with your feet is stupid.

(Scoffs)

And tea is for old women.

So, from now on, I should
just act the way I want

and not worry about being polite?

Yeah. Do whatever you want
to do until I say don't.

That's the way it works around here.

(Speaking Chinese)

It's a little fast. I didn't
catch the last of that.

Something my father says.

Roughly translated, "I
pay for that cell phone

and the clothes on your back,
so watch it, Miss Thing."

God, I like your dad a lot already.

So, just let me see the remote here.

- I was watching a movie.
- Don't care.

That's not fair.

You have a whole nother
room you can watch TV in.

Eh, still,

don't care.

Ugh!

I feel like I'm at home.

There we go.

(Speaks Chinese)

Hey. Morning.

Morning.

It's coffee.

As it should be.

(Clears throat)

(Clears throat) No.

(Sighs)

(Scoffs) Did you read
this thing about...

(Clears throat)

Good morning, you two!

(Both clear throats)

Huh. I knew they'd find
something in common.